In another life, I will be better.

Hello, today I decided to start my blog. Actually, I do not know how to begin my writings. Please bear with me, if my grammar sucks. Also, I decided to write in my own language. I’m a Filipino, btw.

Well, I decided to create this account because I need a platform to express my thoughts and feelings about my life. To vent if I’m stress, sad, lonely etc. Not exactly venting out but uhm.. cope up??

Anyways, I just want to be myself for once. Even if no one knows me here, or understand me. I just want to talk all the things I have in my mind.

Grabe, almost a year na akong hindi napapadpad dito. Is it a good thing? I guess.. hindi. Lol. Busy lang talaga ako sa buhay.

Sheesh, hirap pala talagang maging adult noh? Hirap humanap ng oras.. yung tipong sarili mong oras pero parang hindi sayo :(

Grabe talaga, parang 2 years ago.. nagdadasal pa ako na makahanap ako ng trabaho. Then, 1 year ago excited pa ako pumasok.. pero ngayon. Ayoko na.. nakakapagod na.

This was never on my list of expectations sa buhay. Nandito nanaman ako sa phase na puro regrets and what ifs..

Noon, sabi ko gusto ko makakuha ng trabaho na at the same time ay balance.. nahahawakan ko pa rin yung oras ko.. pero ngayon para akong nabubuhay sa routine.. para akong robot na nakaprogram.

Gusto kong kumawala.. umalis. Nalulungkot ako kung kailan pa yun dadating..

Nawawalan na ako ng motivation sa buhay. Gustuhin ko man, hangarin ko man pero parang walang nangyayare.. ganun pa rin :(

Ayoko na.. gusto ko na kumawala.

Minsan nga nag-iimagine ako na what if isang araw magising ako tapos bumalik ulit ako sa panahon na bata pa ako, wala akong pinoproblema.

Gusto kong bumalik na wala akong idea sa future pero gusto ko guided pa rin ako sa mga decisions ko. Gusto ko magreset tapos yung uulit na tama na lahat. Uulit na masaya ako.

Nakakapagod. Pero so far hindi pa ako naiiyak, ewan siguro napuno na lang rin. Ayoko mabuhay sa middle part ng life ko. Ito ba yung tinatawag nilang middle life crisis? :(

Gusto ko lang naman ng mapayapa. Yung susuportahan ako. Yung sasabihan ako na kung pagod nako.. may iba pang options. Yung masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Gusto ko maging ganon. Gusto ko mabuhay sa buhay na magaan lang lahat. Walang problema, walang chaos. Impossible ba yun?

Gusto ko mahanap yung sarili ko.. Nawawala nanaman kasi siya kaya minsan napapatanong na lang ako kung ano ba talaga purpose ko?

Bakit ba ako nandito? Alam kong everything has their own reasons. Pero gusto ko na rin malaman yung reason na yun.

This might be one of the saddest birthdays I've had. Or did I celebrate it at all?

It feels like I'm at my lowest, with no one around. People are too busy with their own lives to mind anyone else's.

But I love my mum for trying to make my day special, even if just for a while. She bought me a simple cake and my favorite ice cream, but she didn’t eat it with me.

I ended up eating it while crying, wondering how this day could get any sadder.

I welcomed my birthday while at work and ended it still working. I "celebrated" by sleeping, getting ready for my next 12-hour shift.

My supervisor asked if I wanted to work on my birthday, and I said yes even though I had a choice. I felt like I didn’t really have a choice because if I had taken the day off, I might have felt even sadder.

I just don’t want to be sad anymore, but this situation makes me feel that way.

Each year on my birthday, it feels like the only person I expect to meet is my old self from a year ago.

I'm thankful for the decision to write a letter to my future self on my birthday. It helps make the day a little more bearable.

Today.. I just wanted to live my life care-free.

Gusto ko lang mabuhay sa paraang gusto ko.. na wala akong kinakabahala.. wala akong iniisip at hindi ako naghahabol.

Gusto ko mabuhay na sumasabay sa agos.. walang katiyakang landas pero may patutunguhan.

I just don't want to overthink it.

I just don't want to have regrets.

Pero I know all of my decisions ay walang kasiguraduhan.

If ever magawa ko yung bagay na gusto ko.. hindi ko pa rin masasabi na sa huli ay hindi ako magsisisi..

Or kung piliin ko yung mga bagay na dapat kong gawin.. hindi ko rin masasabi kung sa dulo ay magiging masaya ako.

I don't really know what will the future holds me.

Or do I even have a future?

All I can do is to live in the present.. happy.

There will always be time.

Kung paglipasan ka man ng panahon, meron pa ring oras.

As God said, everything is beautiful in its time.

At ako lang ang may kontrol sa sarili kong oras.

Ako lang ang may kontrol sa sarili kong buhay.

That's why I should always and in all ways think of myself.

Dahil sarili ko lang ang kakampi ko sa oras na kamuhian ko ang mundo.

To be productive.

To love what i am doing.

To surround myself with good people.

To find good people.

To escape negativity.

To be hopeful.

To find peace.

To feel excitement each day.

Just trying a new routine for this new year!

I am hoping to write each day.. to be able to express and monitor my emotions lol.

I-check ko lang rin kung ano-anong nangyayari sakin on daily basis.

My problems, rants or just whatever happens in my life this year.

I just want to track my growth and development, wow! big words hahaha

Adulting hit me so hard.. that i really don't know what to do.

What steps should I take.. To whom should I listen..

Adulting is meeting new people and losing old ones.

It is sad.. hurtful.. frustrating..

Nakakapagod.

Nakakalungkot.

Ayoko nang ganito.

If I had the chance na magmove forward sa buhay ko.. I will skip this phase.

At this age.. I realized tons of things in my life..

Kung gaano ako kalungkot as a person..

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko haha..

Alam ko naman walang kasalanan yung mga taong nakapaligid sakin..

It's just.. habang nakikita ko.. how they live their lives.. hinihiniling ko na sana ako rin..

Sana naranasan ko rin.. That's why when they made me feel that kind of situation I'm not familiar with..

I felt awkward and sad..

Awkward kasi hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman..

Dapat ba akong matuwa kasi may mga taong nagpaparamdam sakin na belong ako.. or maging malungkot kasi pakiramdam ko hindi naman talaga ako belong at pinipilit ko lang yung sarili ko..

I'm so fucking confused..

Natatakot rin ako sa future..

Natatakot ako kung anong next step na kailangan kong gawin.. na parang constantly kailangan kong may mapatunayan..

I am tired of living my life in constant..

In a routine..

I'm starting to feel na pakonti-konti na akong dumudulas sa mga taong malalapit sakin..

It's scary..

Ayokong mabuhay na hindi ko kaya ihandle yung mga bagay-bagay sa buhay ko..

Natatakot rin ako na dumating yung panahon na mawala na lang lahat..

Na wala na akong malalapitan..

Na ni isa.. wala nang gustong malaman kung kamusta na ako..

Baka pati sarili ko.. makalimutan ko nang kamustahin..

Hindi ko na alam..

Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa pinapanood ko nagiging unstable na naman utak ko..

That's one of the reasons why I don't want to watch series na masyadong malungkot hahaha

Slice of life.. dark.. and lifeless.

Kasi pakiramdam ko kinakain rin pati loob ko.. pati ang utak ko..

But I have this melancholy feelings for a long time now..

I know I'm in deep sadness pero hindi ko lang bini-big deal para hindi ko palagi isipin..

And again, I hate this feeling..

Nararamdaman ko siya pero kinokontra ng utak ko..

Kasi alam ng utak ko na hindi tama.. hindi dapat maramdaman ko toh..

I am seeking for validation.. kung dapat bang maramdaman ko ito sa sitwasyon na ito..

I know it has jealousy.

Insercurity.

Pity. Self-pity.

Demanding and wanting to have a sense of belonginess is sad.

Kasi pakiramdam ko it's a bare minimum, that everyone deserves to have.

I hate.. hating people.. hating people na wala namang ginawang kasalanan sakin.

I hate this feeling of competition kahit wala namang kumakalaban sakin.

It's like I feel.. minsan sinisiksik ko lang yung sarili ko sa buhay ng ibang tao.

Iniisip ko minsan baka.. napipilitan lang sila.. kasi wala naman silang magagawa.

Nakakaiyak.

Ang sakit.

Kung iisipin.

I'm trying..

I'm trying to please people..

Minsan, napapaisip na rin talaga ako kung kagusto-gusto ba ako?

O baka nagugustuhan lang ako kasi selective lang sila sa kung anong gusto nilang magustuhan sakin.

Or maybe because I hate myself, that even myself.. can't even like my own self.

I'm just seeking for assurance.

I want to be happy..

Being happy for a long time.

We're people will just love me because they love.

Hindi dahil "wala eh, nandyan ka na.. wala nakong magagawa kundi tanggapin ka"

God, I'm upset again. in everything that is currently going on in my life.

I haven't been happy since I turned 23.

I'm sad, hurt and angry.

I'm sad about everything.. I feel like i'm a prisoner in my own life.. that I have no control over it. I'm angry most of the time because people are not letting me do what I wanted to do..

Sometimes, I just wanted to let everyone leave me alone.. I want my freedom back.

Nakakasakal lang talaga..

Nakakalungkot kasi maramdaman na parang walang tiwala sayo yung mga tao..

Gusto kong umiyak..

Gusto kong sumigaw..

Pero walang nakakaintindi sakin..

He said.. this is just a little sacrifice that I need to do..

But do I have to?

Am I selfish if I choose myself?

Masama na ba ako kung mas pinipili ko yung sarili ko kasi alam ko naman na no matter what happened, walang pipili saken kasi ako yung nasa mali?

God, I hate this part..

I wanted to move forward at magpakalayo-layo..

Another thing that I have a problem with..

is my fucking insecurity..

God, I hated myself..

I fucking hate myself for feeling this way..

Wanting..

Needing..

To feel some sense of belongingness..

God..

When life seems so good.. that you desired for it to cherish each day.. for every moment.

Death has become the thing you are most afraid of.

When life appears to be too good to be true, you don't want it to end.

You wished you could keep it for a longer period of time..

If there's forever, you've wish it's easy to come true.

Sometimes, you want death to be there when you're sad. Yet, sometimes you want to get away with it when you're in your happiest.

Life has been busy for several months. I'm pleased that I don't have time to visit this account and share negative sad stories or rants about life.

Though I have so many realizations about myself and feeling sad about it, I feel like I'm losing patience in each day that I live my life. I felt irritated by everything around me, especially by each individual I encountered on a daily basis.

I'm losing patience to the point where I'm grateful to everyone who chooses to stay. But I am aware that there are times when I have valid reasons to be impatient with people.

People who intentionally act as a dumb.

People who are extremely maarte. I dislike people who are overly maarte, as if she is trying to catch everyone's attention. She goes so far as to share everything, even though no one is interested.

Also, to those who are very self-centered and only think about themselves. Only believes the things she will benefit from.

I currently have these kinds of people in my life. and I've decided not to put up with them. If I ever have the opportunity to disconnect them, I will without a doubt do so. But I can't because I can't sacrifice the people around us, which is why I choose to ignore it.

Just trying to get by. and wait for the day when they will finally leave my life 😌

hays.. yun lang..

bye

I can tell.. co'z I have no time visiting on this account and writing about my rants about the world..

Yes.. Life gets tough sometimes.. but I am proud to say that.. I am handling it good.. or better most of the time now.

Life has been full of love.. these past months.. and I feel.. I'm genuinely happy.. though, every day I still hopes that it will last.. longer.. being this happy.

Grateful to have the love of my life.. my bestfriend.. my lover.. my person.. my support system.. the reason why I continue living a good life lately..

He's the reason.. why my clouds are vibrant.. why my flowers bloom.. the big smile and giggles.. why my world continues to revolve..

No.. I don't want him to be my world.. I want him to be with me.. in our own world. I love him so much that it hurts.

He's the only person in my life.. in this world.. that constantly tries to understand me. To love me with all of his capabilities. I appreciate him so much.. And I love him.. that only God knows how big is my love for him..

I know.. that he knows that. And I also know how he loves me so much.. Can't imagine my world without me thinking of him.. every day.. always.

I just want to be this happy.. for a long.. and never ending time.

Iniisip ko kung kailan ako makakawala sa phase na ito.. nandito nanaman ako kasi wala naman ako mapagsasabihan.. sa totoo lang, pagod na pagod na ako. Gusto ko na lang gumising isang araw na tapos na lahat ng pinoproblema ko.

Nakakapagod na kasi.. pagod na pagod nako.. Habang tumatagal mas pumupurol na yung utak ko, mas tinatamad nakong kumilos..

Nawawalan na ako ng energy.. pakiramdam ko kasi para na lang akong pushover.. Wala naman talagang may pakialam..

Gusto ko magmura.. ang tanga-tanga ko lang kasi.. kitang-kita naman ng dalawang mata ko.. malinaw na malinaw pa interpretasyon ko.. pero pilit ko pa rin pinapalagpas.. kasi iniisip ko baka naman.. baka naman worth it ito sa dulo.. baka naman sa dulo mabigyan ako ng halaga..

Gusto ko lang naman mabigyan ng halaga.. pero parang hanggang salita lang naman lahat sila.. bakit hindi ko maramdaman.. naiinis ako.. hindi ko alam baka nagagalit na talaga ako.. gusto kong magsabi ng mga masasamang salita, gusto ko murahin sarili ko bakit ang tanga-tanga ko.. frustrated na frustrated nako.. gusto ko na lang mawalan ng meaning sa mundo..