BLOGGU

My heart feels heavy and I don't know why. Maybe lately we haven't been as in sync as usual? I feel like I'm being punished whenever I'm not home as much as he wants me to. Or when I'm staying up to do some work I procastinated on, I mean, I don't like some of them but I feel like we can't only be doing works that we like? Also the money? But I'm tired of mentioning it, tired of justifying why I work the way I do or choose the work that I do, again and again. I just can feel the difference. He'd stop talking to me, like he disapproves of my actions. We'd stop playing boardgames, we just watch whatever videos he wants to watch. He doesn't want to play the games I wanted to play. I miss playing boardgames. I miss not having to tiptoe around his feelings and mental load to talk about our wedding. Sometimes when I was excited talking about my day, he'd cut me off because he needs to work on something, but 10 minutes later came out to chatter about his interests. I bought a new book today, so excited about it I post a video on it, and he didn't even remember I think haha

Feels like everything I do is wrong, or not enough? Whenever there's something missing or not right or not on, his first instinct is to blame me, because of course its not his fault (even when sometimes it is his fault or him misremembering)... feels like the conversation got more bite? More sharp? And I don't know why...

Sometimes I also assume things tho, anticipating that he'd be burdened and so saying no, or trying to make other plans. Turns out when I did ask him, he looks okay and unbothered. Feels like I never now which is which sometimes, what will bother him and what will be okay.

Maybe we're just you know, tired? I'm not sure. I love him, but it feels heavy somehow? Sure these feelings will pass I guess. We're in the middle of premarital counselling and we get an A+ for compatibility so maybe this is just me memendam things trying to please him while feeling like I fail and its percuma cause he's very opinionated about what he wants and doesn't like about me at any given time.

I've been remembering all the things he doesn't like about me instead of the things that he lovingly said about me and I don't think that's healthy. Also, I miss not planning a wedding or navigating family expectations and different customs. Sometimes its exciting, sometimes its fun, but sometimes I feel like whoa yea no how about we just do this as soon as possible so I could stop thinking about it yet postponing on actually doing some things on it. Like, looking forward to not have that going on endlessly on my mental load

3:26 AM

Today we visited the custom jeweller for our wedding rings, and my proposal ring. He chose a design from a few inspo I gave, and mix and match his own stones for it. We also picked a classic wedding ring design which we both love.

I'm ecstatic the whole way back. I want to scream at the top of my lungs I'M GETTING MARRIED

And currently I cried silent terharu tears because whoa. I thought I want a proposal and a surprise ring, the whole romantic gesture. Instead I see him cleaning the house when after some tukang made a mess and allow me to rest a bit before session. I see him buying me ice creams and never touching my chocolate stash, even adding to it. I see him seriously saying yes to my ridiculous demand of a chocolate fountain on our wedding day. I see him carving up time to meet my family, my grandmas. I see him a little nervous planning to face my parents, especially my dad. I see him discussing ring budget with the jeweller, saying there's no hard limit even though we agreed on a budget. I see him angry and hurt whenever I had the silly assumption that only I care about this marriage, this wedding. I see him calling me "bojo" affectionately. I see him willingly trying to make me happy, every day.

Good God I wish it will be real, soon. I really truly cannot wait. I think I'm going to cry a fountain when he put that ring into me, not even close to listening whatever else he said.

So we fought. It's not big per se, but it's serious. I went to sleep on the spare bedroom and he went to bed angry. Sure he's gonna blame his lack of sleep on me tomorrow morning

This feels major and actually I'm so crushed and scared. I genuinely can't imagine life without him yet maybe I should start preparing? I feel like we should've got married long time ago, then things like these we'd have to face together instead of considering separating. Damn. Even writing it feels like my heart's cleaved in two. I know it's just my mind playing tricks on me and I'll survive whatever the outcome but holyshit. Did not expect this. Did not think it might end this way. Quite shock with how I don't have energy to respond either.. maybe tomorrow I'll fight for us? Right now I just feel empty and sad. I don't think I'm mad even.. its just like well maybe he could go ahead and have his much needed sleep without me? How hellish. But I can't

Another random "how much i love him" moment.

You know that I don't like watching movies. More like, I don't care much about them? I can watch shitty movie and enjoy it, or a profound quality one and thinking it's okay. I just don't really have an opinion about it cause I'm usually not interested.

Hi Bloggu, been awhile. Today is another episode of "wow I love him so much" moments.

Sooo it's the week of graduation & sumprof hassle, my family and friends are around, everything is hot, everyone is tired.

And yet. Masput (cute loving nickname for the boyfriend from my friends), masput somehow find the energy to continuously being his absolute charming cute self. For the whole trip. Like whoa. I was blown and giddy and in love. He keeps making puns with my dad which in turns made my mom laugh, talking TALKING like serious talking not small talks with my sis, taking pictures of me and my friends, and overall being absolutely lovely.

12 Mei 2024

Soooo we talked about the bitterness and resentment, and even if it actually takes quite a bit for us to understand each other, but we're there now. I love how he can finally explain his train of thoughts. It was just rasa penasaran as the result of our trying new kink instead of the cause. I assumed it was the cause, hence the anger, cause like how dare he thinks I'm not enough. And even if he did think that way, he should've told me if there are things I could improve. I can always improve. But that's not it, he loves me properly and I'm not the safety net. I'm the goal, he said. Which is very cute but we were in the middle of arguing so I can't exactly swoon then but am swooning now ❤️‍🔥

Anywayyy the text. You know, he always appreciates my cooking. Whether it's literal tempe goreng with bumbu instan, or a bit more complex veggie soup, or just plain bubur bayi that use cooked water lmao (inside joke). Sometimes I think it's just sweet nothings, he said that to make me happy. Sometimes I do believe it genuine. Either way both are out of love for me so I don't really mind.

You know, kayanya aku sedang merasakan resentment deh ke partner. Soalnya bitter terus, gampang annoyed, dan yg paling parah kaya udah mulai harus ngingetin diri sendiri kalo dia tuh lovable? That I love him? Kaya, disappointments kecil-kecil gitu udah mulai aku yaudahin instead of doing something about it terus kaya aaaaarghhh oh no ini harus gimana.

Makin kesini makin tidak mau menikah :) karena kaya gada bedanya juga nikah malah w sbg istri mendapat stigma buruk. Dan somehow aku merasa partner nggak segitunya memikirkan apa-apa yg perlu dipersiapkan untuk nikah jadi kaya makin yaudah deh ntar aja gausah?

Kalo dibilang bosen sih enggak, sayang pun masih sayang, tp kaya lagi merasa nggak diperlakukan spesial, taken for granted gitu? Aku bahkan udh beberapa kali ga nyari-nyari kegiatan buat dilakukan berdua, kaya ga excited juga, karena merasa "halah pasti nanti dia mager terus gajadi mending aku ajak orang lain" gitu deh? Seremmmm

Bahkan ini udah mendekati pestapora terus masih belom ada persiapan nabung kesana jadi aku mendapat kesan seolah sbenernya dia ga pengen? Jadi takut kalo sama dia nanti ga seru? Apa aku sama girls aku aja ke pestaporanya? Gapaham bgt lagi ini kenapa deh wq

Dia bilang sih kalo denger aku ga ngerasa loved tuh dia sedih dia bingung am I not doing enough TERUS RESPON AKU instead of bilang iya kayanya lagi merasa kurang, AKU MALAH REASSURING KALO GAPAPA KOK UDAH CUKUP AKU AJA YANG ANEH si tolol satu ini

31st March 2024

Hi Bloggu. Just want to update a little, me and the boyfriend officially moved in together since the start of January yay!

Throughout the moving in, there were, of course, many bickering involved.

A particular tell that I want to note is how we both recognize when arguments escalate and it could turn into a fight. Then one of us would de-escalate, plainly said that "I don't want to fight about this" and the other would relent and "Alright we could revisit this again next when the time has come" or "Yes, this is your space so the end decision is up to you. I gave you my advice, what I thought could improve the condition but ultimately it's your choice".

Amazingly, we both really didn't harbor the angry energy. If there's still things to be discuss, we'll discuss technicalities and usually it's like "oh wow yeah apparently that could fit" and then proceed to thought things through more calmly.

So, cute stuff my boyfriend done this time around are:

1. He finally explained to his immediate family about our different religions and apparently his aunt chip in endorsing me in front of his mom & his grandma, saying how I'm "anak baik, pintar, nggak manja" lmaooo he's so cute and such a gentleman, facing his family like that being responsible for me and wanting me to feel comfortable coming to his family🥹

2. He texted my parents on Christmas day saying happy christmas and stuff, VERY very cute and much appreciated! I didn't even know he's going to text them and he didn't say anything either until I mentioned them🖤 warmth

3. I sent a video of a husband gombalin his wife and look what he did a day after

It's been 4 years and the butterflies never let up. He can still make me blush, he still gombalin me sometimes with dirtier jokes. We're still so very in love🖤🖤

Hi Bloggu, life has been tough for some time like academic load literally killing me but the boyfriend is there for me every single day, every step of the way🥹😭 and he's so accommodating and supportive and super duper lovely I don't know what I'd do without him😭

He appreciates me daily but to write it in words, and I know he's not usually so emotional 🥹🥰

My boyfriend is being super cute aaaa I just told him about an annoying borderline creepy ex and here's his response

In between college work, I sneaked in a few off days to meet him in Yogyakarta. Guess what, he just bought a KINDLE and is currently tinkering with Calibre to edit the metadata, cover, and title of each ebooks he's gonna put in the kindle.

He was saying how time consuming it is, and I laughed and said "well yes, but you loved it cause you're perfectionist"

He replied "yea, that's why I date you. You're perfect" smirking smugly :)

Kepala lagi pusing banget jujur. It's been awhile since I last hate myself and it doesn't feel nice when thay feeling's back.

Been awhile since I'm clean but it gets harder and harder not to cut again. Like, everything pressure me all around and no matter how much I seem to work on myself, I still ended up falling. Doing the wrong thing. Can't control my emotions. Took the wrong decision. Hurt others.

Am I destined to be a monster forever? I tried so hard not to be one. Is it always gonna be this tiring? Should I just be a monster? Will that feels lighter, easier?

I don't even know what kind of monster I am or how to be, but it seems like I'm a failure of human being so maybe I should?

Been awhile since last I want to k myself, there's not even a kms score on the tests but today I come close enough. Like, what if I end my existence today? There'll be no more me. Ain't that freeing? I don't have to think about the classes, how to afford life after graduation, how to talk with clients, how to be a good human, I can just say bye to it all. End it now. Very very tempting.

My boyfriend is being his usual cute self

Also I love Luffy today

Well, here comes the real LDR feels, cause last semester wasn't exactly THAT hard since I get to go home once a month. Now it's actual I-cant-move-cause-classes-are-demanding and he's the one who have to move around and see me. It's harder, costlier, and overall doesn't feel like a holiday that it should feels like. We both hate the city I'm currently in, but the university is good hence we'd have to make do.

Praying with all my might that this relationship can get past this hardship, and we'll move back together in no time. As in, 2 more years kind of no time. Amen.

Hi Bloggu, hehe it's so funny that it's only been a day since my last post hehe

I'm afraid this time it isn't a happy occasion I'm writing about. He's been in pain for the whole day, and I'm away at my hometown. He's alone, hurting, and I just keeps making mistakes and not understanding what he wants me to do, resulting in him being mad and snapping at me.

Am I a bad girlfriend if I don't know what to say? He doesn't want me to tell stories cause he's not in the mood to chat, he doesn't like me asking questions about anything. He especially doesn't want me to try find some tips or solutions. I genuinely at loss at what to say... Everything I say was wrong and only serve to made him mad. I was going to just send some stickers cause I wouldn't leave him on read, but I seriously type and retype and retype variations of sentences, afraid that something I said will just makes him mad.

The last one, he was feeling better and I was just wanting to make sure about his latest condition before he's going to sleep which is a wrong thing, apparently I still don't understand :( i don't know why but I think I was so shock he snapped so hard that my eyes water. Blinking back tears, I tried to say goodnight hoping it's acceptable and what the hell I only just now remember I forgot to say sorry.... He thinks I never say sorry, you see. I've been trying to be better ever since he said that but I guess it's a work in progress? I just can't seem to do anything correctly when he's in a crisis it saddens me. I feel like I'm failing him cause I leave him alone when he's still sick...

I shouldn't feel this way cause he's the one suffering but I'm confused and shock and scared and sad. I don't do well with snappy and loved ones being angry at me, especially when I genuinely can't seem to understand or get better :")

When I was actually with him, physically, I could gouge his mood better, and he's more receptive to my attention. I can just be silent and not asking too many stupid annoying questions while anticipating his needs cause I'm there, I can see, I can do something. And he seems grateful that I'm there with him. Cause I think if I wasn't, he's dealing with everything alone on top of suffering alone and I just... I'm so sad just thinking about it haaaa

I should've been better, I know, but it's kinda hard when I don't know what he wants. How I can help. I can't even ask how I can help cause that counts as a question, see, and I shouldn't overwhelmed him with asking questions. I guess it's harder since I operate differently in crisis? So I actually have no idea what responses is appropriate in his eyes. I don't know, I don't seem to know anything actually haha. What a mess. Can't actually help him either with me being away, nggak guna. Even accompanying from distance, I fail at that.