Dear Diary, Love Red x

Fire go out and friendships die,

I wish you felt the way that I still do,

Life is so crazy right now. It feels like it never calms and time just flies by before I know it. I need to see people but I'm finding it hard to find the time to. I just need everything to stop. Please. Just for a couple of days. Also need my brain to stop. I'm not sleeping much because it's just constant. It can be so loud in my head with all the over lapping thoughts. Then when I dream... it's filled with people I miss and can seem so realistic. Until I wake up of course, then I realise they're not here. They still don't talk to me. I'm probably not even a passing thought to them. Then friends who do supposedly still like me and are "still in contact" haven't replied to any messages in over a year. I know having friends as an adult is hard but I didn't know it would be this hard.

So much has happened since I last talked to him. I've grown loads since then. Its silly little things really. No longer hang blankets from nails as curtains, I've got my own place, I'm independent and don't take people's shit quite as much. I power through stuff more despite my pain. Im a bit more mentally stable than I was. I wish I could tell him all about it. I wish he would talk. I hope he'd be proud.

I was looking for an old message earlier and happened to come across some from Skeleface. I know I shouldn't have tormented myself by reading them but I did. Stupid, I know! At one time in our friendship, he said I'd never upset him and I had nothing to worry about in regards to losing him as a friend, that we'd always be friends. So what happened that made him completely cut me out of his life? I wish I could get some closure so he wouldn't play on my mind so much. I wish my brain would just fuck off in general sometimes.

Well... bye for now, diary.