Dear Eccedentesiast

I then asked my friend who is assisting the directors and she gave a back handed complement. "The singing was really beautiful and your monologue was the best I've ever seen from you"..... so my best wasn't enough? Why doesn't anyone just tell me I'm bad? I don't understand. It won't break my heart. I'll either just quit acting or improve but the unknowing why and what is killing me. They cast a couple people who didn't even audition.... How is that fair. Some of them are stand in in the audience....I couldn't be that simple of a character all they do is clap in the audience... I don't know what to do... should I stay or should I go....

Well anyways my psyche is making me doubt people who are my friend. I feel alone and defeated. One of My best friend doesn't support me. As an actor or an designer. It's a long story but basically she thinks other people deserve it more. I'm extremely sure like positive they talk about behind my back.

I want a guy. A guy who will be there for my ups and downs. A guy who holds me at night, not caring about sex but me. A guy who know if I say I don't want him, will wait for my self defeating behaviors to calm down and for me to apologize but say it's ok, I love you. To look at me with want in him eyes and a smile that just says everything will be alright. To just be romantic and be there for me.

But. I know this won't happen. You don't just find people like this. People shouldn't have to be this. This is unhealthy to want perfection. No-one know what someone else needs every second.

Your partner can't cure your problem.

But at least I can dream and fantasize that it would for me, that being with a strong dominating, but gentle and caring guy would solve all my problem, that I wouldn't be sad, be impulsive, hear things, doubt everything in my mind, doubt every relationship in my life.

First of all, I am a victim of racism and micro aggression all the time and it fucks me up. It like I thought you were my friend but then you do fucked up things you know I hate. A white "friend" always greets people with "helroo". The Asian stereotypical accent(they also do it with other things). Then they bring up stuff about me seriously being offended by the style and makeup for a play because they appropriated Asian culture without even research(geisha wigs) and then paints the actors eye to be more closed, upturned, and slanted. They also undermine me and my work/knowledge.

Next is the a theatre world thing but they dint cast asians generally. They have problematic play the consist of asians if they do. They use white actors to portray Asian characters. 2 Asian actors have only won 3 tonys. At my college, I am a performance major and I havent gotten cast and it is frightening cuz I cant graduate if I don't have at least 1 years of performance.

Lastly, we are never thought to be oppressed. We are never thought to be a minority. We are never remembered that we were called colored too. Blacks and asians took two different ways to respond to inequality. Blacks marched, protested, and rebelled. We just were more scared of dying and our kids being hurt so we didn't do that, we just followed and didn't speak. I dislike when white or black people advocate for equality but just for the equality of blacks. I dislike that the term of a diverse movie/tv show/play is when there is several African Americans but no other races. I feel like I am criticize for being Asian but never allowed to feel that I am oppressed.

the answer, religion, and praise.

It's my drug like meth.

It's cleanser just like sage.

It's the light shining on my face.

Fucking fuckitty fuck

Help is just a cage

I have no way

I'm lost and afraid

Hope is just a maze

For if you saw my brain

It's rotting, sobbing decay

For if you take your meds

You'll be brain death

Cause all I want to do is die

All I have are wants

To look good, act, and love

But I don't look good or have talent