I don’t know how to not be this way. I don’t know how to not allow myself to sink in to what I’m used to. I hope I’m not making a mistake.

I’m up past my bedtime again. I can’t keep myself from looking further and further into the past and making myself more and more cold and abrasive with every hole in her story. I never thought I’d feel so much like a stupid fucking teenager at 23 years old. I don’t want to, but I know I’ll probably start resorting to my old techniques for dealing with myself when I’m like this: sleeping to avoid hurting myself, taking pills to make me go to sleep. Wake up, pretend to be a human for 8 hours, then come home and do it again.

Even now, I can feel myself settling into our old routine. Deep down I don’t want anything to change but I also know that I deserve to be in a better situation. We want different things out of a relationship, I know that, but it’s so hard to let go. I wish things could just be easy so they could be done. I feel like I’ll never be done.