having OCD is so funny because I can promise you that any given point I am having a complex and heated inner dialogue with myself, and I am losing.
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@dazaivoids
having OCD is so funny because I can promise you that any given point I am having a complex and heated inner dialogue with myself, and I am losing.

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the worst part about ocd and ocd-like tendencies is that you think hyper-analyzing your thoughts and constantly psychoanalyzing yourself will fix you but that's actually part of the disorder. it's the disorder. disordering.
Jeremy Knox turns 5 and there is too much birthday cake. Pointy hats, a trampoline and an immeasurable amount of gifts. His mother scolds his grandmother for making such a fuss and Angelica Laslo, former movie star, brushes her off with a "you only turn 7 once!" His older brother steals Jeremy's brand new Hot Wheels and his sister sneaks the frosting rose off his corner piece of cake and his youngest brother spits up his own cake on his blue baby onesie. His dad doesn't show
Jeremy Knox turns 11 and there's no time for a party. It's an election year. His mom's new-husband's father is a senator dreaming of a presidential nomination and every minute counts. Even though its only March. Isn't Jeremy too old for parties anyway? His oldest brother gives him 12 punches; one for each year and one for luck but the last one hurts. He watches his favorite movie with his sister and his younger brothers make him construction paper cards. His dad doesn't show.
Jeremy Knox turns 18 and he's high. Bryson gave him the pills last night with a "Happy Birthday" and a twisted smile that didn't feel genuine. His mother and sister might've wished him a "Happy Birthday" when he left for school but he doesn't remember. His youngest brother refused to get out of bed this morning, no matter how much his step father screamed through the door. Jeremy's sure that took priority. His dad doesn't show.
Jeremy Knox turns 19 and his youngest brother never will. Mathilda doesn't say anything. Annalise doesn't say anything. Joshua doesn't say anything. Trent Knox doesn't show.
Jeremy Knox turns 20
Jeremy Knox turns 21
Jeremy Knox turns 22
Jeremy Knox turns 23 and there's too much birthday cake. Cat insisted they make a 3-layer cake from scratch and Laila could only find 9-inch pans at the store. The frosting is blue. The stack of three presents on the dining room table are all wrapped in blue wrapping paper. Jean's shirt is blue. "Your favorite color," Jean says. Cat cuts Jeremy a slice that would have even the Trojan's flexible nutritionist wince. The girls sing and Jeremy swears he hears Jean humming along. Later, the floozies join them. There's more cake and a movie and silly-joke birthday cards full of puns that make Jeremy laugh.
Jeremy turns 23 and Jean asks him "Good Birthday?"
And his smile is big and bright and real when he says "Yes"
Woof, Woof!
Call me, Jeremy Knox!
ĐŃпОПниНа ŃŃĐž СаваНŃНиŃŃ Đ´ĐśĐľŃĐľĐśĐ°Đ˝Ń 0_0

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I need Jean to crowd Jeremy against a wall next book. We almost had it with the car in Rhemannâs driveway, but Jean stepped back. Next time I need him to step forward, closer, and closer, until Jeremyâs forced to tilt his head back to see him fully and theyâre so close Jeanâs worried Jeremy can hear his heartbeat, and Jeremyâs worried Jean can hear his. Breathing each otherâs air, and Jeanâs hand on the wall beside Jeremyâs head. Eyes only flickering away from each otherâs when they glance down at the otherâs mouthâŚ
my body is a machine that turns normal situations into psychological horror
I need jerejean to get their shower scene so badly. Jeremy crashing his car and getting injured to a point that he needs help washing himself. Jean climbing in with him. Getting to have the choice of climbing in. Jean facing his worst fears in the name of helping his partner, his friend. His Jeremy. Jeremy having no choice but to accept help in something he probably wouldnât otherwise. Maybe Jeanâs still clothed. Or half clothed. Maybe Jeremy is fully nude. The symbolism of itâJean whoâs always been bared. Jean who has never had the luxury of armor , of boundaries, getting to have them here. Jeremy who is usually hidden behind a mask stripped bare. Jeremy who is used to men seeing him naked being so nervous here, because this is different, somehow. Because this is Jean. Because he is used to attending to others and not having others attend to him. Because Jean is tending to him so gently, treating his body like itâs something precious. Like he is something to be cared for instead of used
Or maybe even Jeremy nearly relapsing and struggling with it. He passes the LSATs and Bryson plants the drugs in his room. Or he crashes his car and is fighting with the accessibility of pain meds, and climbs into the shower and turns on the water and sits in it in parallel with Jean at the beginning of tsc. Maybe heâs at the lofts when it happens. Maybe jeans been paying far too much attention to him, more than Jeremy knows what to do with, and when Jeremy climbs in the shower and is gone for half an hour, he notices. Maybe it doesnât even take that long. Jean knocks on the door but thereâs no answer and itâs locked. And doors have never stopped monsters so they shouldnât be able to stop him. And he gets it open and finds Jeremy shivering and soaking and crashing out and breaking down , and gets into the shower and just holds him. Despite the water. Barely even registering it. Because His focus is Jeremy and only Jeremy
Jeremy wakes to an empty bed.
It shouldnât be so jarring. He has woken up alone before, whether because he slept late, or because Jean had to peeâor had to take Jabberwocky to peeâbut itâs different, this time. And it is jarring.
Heâs suddenly aware of every inch of his skin where it touches the sheets, suddenly aware of his lack of clothing. Suddenly aware of his heartbeat, in his throat; of his stomach where itâs sinking through the floor.
He should wait, he thinks. And try not to jump to conclusions.
A minute passes, two. But still, no Jean. No Jabberwocky, either. Jeremy bites his lip, and remembers the way Jeanâs teeth had gently nipped the same spot just hours before.
A flush heats his face. He remembers all of itâthe press of Jeanâs fingers, the caress of his kisses. The heat of him, the weight of him. The nervous laughter, and the shaky breaths they took when they pressed their foreheads together.
For their first time, Jeremy had thought it went well. Heâd thoughtâwell, he hadnât thought much at the time, really, unable to think past a chant of Jean Jean Jean and the realization that for all the sex he had, that it had never quite felt like this.
But maybe heâd read it wrong. Maybe Jean hadnât felt the same way. Maybe Jeremy had crossed a line, crossed a boundary. Maybe it hadnât been as good for Jean as it had been for him. Maybe he shouldâve focused more on Jean, instead of letting Jean focus on him.
He knew how men liked him, in sex. But he also knows Jean, and Jean isnât like other men.
âŚRight?
Jeremy glances over to Jeanâs empty side again, and suddenly feels sick with himself for even comparing the two. Jean isnât the love âem and leave âem type, but he did love Jeremy, and he did leave, for whatever that reason may be.
Jeremyâs heart kicks up in his chest. What if heâd ruined it? What if, like all the other men in Jeremyâs life, Jean had him, and decided Jeremy wasnât the one? What ifâ
The door swings open.
Jeremy goes still as stone. Jean steps in, hands wrapped around the edge of a breakfast tray.
Jeremy blinks at him. And then down at its contents. There are eggs and coffee and ⌠bacon? He glances back up to Jean, and this time, when he does, Jean is staring back at him.
âOh,â Jean says, as a beautiful blush spreads across his face. âYouâre awake.â
âIâm awake,â Jeremy repeats. He hesitates, pushes himself up to a sitting position, and then, because he has never quite learned to control his mouth completely, adds, âYou were gone.â
He tries to play it off as a joke, as a lighthearted observation , but his voice cracks, and his expression must give him away, because Jean shoots him an odd look.
âI was coming back,â he tells Jeremy, and Jeremy does his best not to squirm under the weight of his unblinking stare. âI was just making us breakfast.â
âNo, yeah,â Jeremy says. âI see that now. But I justâI donât know. Itâs stupid.â
âIt is not,â Jean counters. âI should have left a note.â
Jeremyâs flush deepens. âYou shouldnât have to leave a note because you went to the kitchen, Jean.â
âI was supposed to be back before you were up,â Jean tells him. He places the tray on the end of the bed, and then comes to sit at Jeremyâs hip. âTo wake you with me, and breakfast. Not to have you wake up alone.â
He pauses,and when Jeremy looks away, refusing to meet his eye, asks, âDid you think I left?â
Jeremy opens his mouth. Closes it. Jean says, âJeremy.â
âI told you,â Jeremy says, âItâs stupid.â
âItâs not stupid.â Jean puts a hand on either side of his face, and holds him there. âI will tell you as many times as you need. I am not going anywhere. You will not lose me. I will always, always come back to you. Each and every time.â
Jeremy stares at him. âYou canât know that.â
âI can, and I do,â Jean says. âI promise you this. And I do not ever break my promises.â
He reaches for Jeremyâs hand, and brings it up to his mouth; kisses his knuckles. Jeremy closes Jeanâs hand in both of his, and holds it to his chest, over his heart. âWhat did I ever do to deserve you, Jean Moreau?â
âYou deserve the world,â Jean tells him. âI only hope that I can give it to you.â

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Christmas is soon, so naturally Iâm thinking about Jeremy locked up in the Wilshire mansion with his wretched family for the holidays. He wanted so badly to make sure Jean had an amazing first Christmas with them, but now heâs just alone with the knowledge Cat and Laila are doing it instead. And he realizes he wouldnât have been able to give Jean a proper Christmas anyway, because every Christmas for him has been miserable as well (of course, not as bad as anything Jean has experienced, so he canât ever complain, right?). He doesnât even know Jean is having a miserable Christmas too, because all he can do is stare at his phone with worry in hopes for a text from Jeremy, a text that will never come. Jeremyâs too busy being belittled and beaten down by his family who he wishes so desperately would be nice to him, just this once, just for the sake of the holiday. But theyâre worse if anything and now he just wants to crawl out of his skin and be someone better. Be someone worthy of receiving love on Christmas. Itâs the one gift heâs always asked for but never been able to have. And when he finally (finally) manages to call Jean, too far past midnight and Christmas is already over but Jean answers anyway because heâs been dying to hear from Jeremy all day, he doesnât sound like himself at all. His voice is hoarse and itâs a horrible attempt at composure. He goes away when he goes home, and Jean canât stand it. Jeremy was able to make sure Jean had a Christmas spent surrounded by people who love him, but Jean wasnât able to do the same for Jeremy.
can't stop thinking about tbc Jean unable to stop fantasising about Jeremy now that the floodgates have opened and he's allowed himself to acknowledge his feelings
Jean having wet dreams about Jeremy. Jean struggling to tear his eyes away from Jeremy in the locker room and then having to go to class and he can't concentrate because thoughts of Jeremy naked and sweaty in a different context keep invading his mind. Jean getting flustered especially when Jeremy smiles at him in the locker rooms, feeling like he needs to leave NOW or things will get very embarrassing
Jean lying in bed at night when Jeremy isn't at the lofts and he can't stop thinking about him, wondering what he's doing, hoping he hasn't gone to another man's bed, wishing he was there with Jean, thinking about all the things he'd like to do to Jeremy in this very bed
Jean seeing Jeremy from behind and feeling the urge to wrap his arms around him. Bc he wants to hold him and he wants to feel the heat of his body and he wants to breathe in his smell and he wants Jeremy to be his but he CAN'T because Jeremy isn't (yet). So instead he stands next to him. Closer than he needs to. But not close enough. Jean thinking to himself that Jeremy's body would fit so perfectly against his
JEREMY seeing Jean and wishing he could lean against him. Wishes he could feel his arms around him. And then chastising himself because he thinks he doesn't deserve that. It has to be Jean's choice and why would Jean ever choose him? And suddenly there are little cracks in Jeremy's smiley facade. Suddenly there's a sadness in his eyes. No one but Jean notices. It's so small, no one else cares to look close enough to see. But Jean can see. And he doesn't know why Jeremy looks so sad all of a sudden but it makes him want to hold him even more
Getting stuck on Jeremy calling himself a "soft-spined failure" when everything in his life should be testament to how far he's managed to grow.
Getting stuck on Jeremy calling his very real trauma "childish" and "self-centered" when it's anything but.
Getting stuck on the fact that when he has to leave the banquet with Jean, he calls his very legitimate reaction a "tantrum".
Getting stuck on the implication that Mathilda and Warren must have called him a variation of these insults (or it must have been implied in their tones and body language; written between the lines as they dismiss him as a person of value; as they dismiss and disregard him as a child, and then as a teenager, and then as an adult, of value) for so long that it's now something that's intrinsic to him, at the very core of how his brain works.
Getting stuck on how deep Jeremy's self-loathing must run, and the fact that we've hardly scratched the surface of it.
Neil and Jeremy being character foils to each other means so much to me:
Neil, you know everything he is thinking, but never what is about to come out his mouth. Jeremy, itâs impossible to get a good read on his thoughts, but his responses are rehearsed.
Neil dyed his hair brown as a cover to craft a persona. Jeremy covered his brown hair to craft a persona.
Neil couldnât care less what the world thinks of him. Jeremy cares what every soul on earth thinks of him.
Neil is on the ace spectrum and doesnât think about sex until Andrew, who he then wants to jump his bones. Jeremy is hyper-sexual, but is holding back his desires when it comes to the object of his.
Neil needed to find a place safe enough to settle down and stop running. Jeremy is trapped and needs to find a safe place to escape and run to.
Both of their smiles are talked about often and at length throughout their books, and how they give away so much depending on which smile they are giving.
Neil wants the short blond. Jeremy wants to tall af brunet.
Renee is all up in their menâs lives.
Both have complexes about their last names.
To name a few.
And I love them both so much, your honor.
Beach day with jeremy enjoying the view

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sleepy jean and his fake blond pillow
tgr ending with jean being slightly more open about his feelings toward jeremy. tbc having a confession scene where jean tells jeremy how he feels and jeremy has twenty million reasons to think itâs impossible that jean could like somebody like him but heâs mostly just thinking about how jean has mistaken his trust into his partner and captain as a crush and jeremy has once again ruined the most important thing in his life. jeremy using this as the last drop that fills the âeverything i touch, burnsâ bucket that spills and finishes his unraveling.