How to Tour in a Band or Whatever
by Thor Harris
1-Donāt Complain. Bitching, moaning, whining is tour cancer. If something is wrong fix it or shut the fuck up you fucking dick. goddamn.
3-Donāt Lose shit. Everybody loses shit. Donāt fucking do it. Asshole.
4-Donāt fuck anyone in the band. There are tons of people to fuck who are not in this band. Dumbass.
5-If you feel like shit all the time, drink less beer at the gig. You will play better & feel better. What are youā¦ a child? Some have the endurance for self abuse. Most donāt.
6-Remember the soundmanās name. He will do a better job.
7- Eat oranges. Cures constipation & prevents colds.
8-Masturbate. Duhā¦ Where & when? Be creative. Youāre an artist right?
9-If YOU canāt carry your suitcase 3 blocks, itās too goddamn big.
10-Respect public space in the van. Donāt clutter, you Fuck.
11-If you borrow something, return it. Not Fucked Up.
12-Do not let the promoter dick you or talk you out of the guarantee. If there were not enuf people there, itās their fault.
13- Driver picks the music.
14-One navigator only (usually sitting shotgun). Everyone else shut the fuck up.
15-Soundcheck is for checking sounds. Shut the fuck up while everyone else is checking.
16-Donāt wander off. Let someone know where you are.
17-Clean up after yourself. What are youā¦ a goddamn toddler?
18-Touring makes everyone bi-polar. Ride the waves as best you can and remember, moods pass. So donāt make any snap decisions or declarations when you are drunk or insane.
20-The guestlist is for friends, family & people you might want to fuck. Everyone else can pay. They have day jobs.
21- Donāt evaluate your whole life while youāre sitting in a janitor closet waiting to go on. You think youāre above having shitty days at work? Shut up & do your goddamn job.
This list was written under the influence of lots of esspresso & anti-depressants while on tour w/ such greats as Shearwater, Swans, Smog, Lisa Germano, Angels of Light, Bill Callahan & many more. I hope this list will help you get along w/ your co-workers whatever your job is. Contributions to the list by Jordan Geiger, Kimberly Burke, Brian Orloff, Brian Phillips Celebrity Gang Bang, Kevin Schneider, Jonathan Meiburg, Michael Gira and some other folks.
Thanks for not being an asshole, Thor Harris
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