dawn graham

I was able to get “Parts of the Whole” workshopped, which is a series of vignettes related to different parts of my body. Thanks to the group’s insights, I’ll probably end up spending a lot more time reworking it. But a preliminary version will go out as the text for my submission to The Sketchbook Project.

Another nonfiction piece in process uses my senior year of high school as the jumping off point. The original impetus for it came out of reflections on my own experiences in high school (thanks to working in one now), as well as thinking about the instability of memory and how relationships shift over time. It has turned out to be a bigger, harder project than I originally intended. With so many other unfinished projects already out there, I’m trying to decide if this is one I want to pursue.

In other news…

I’ve been trying to carve out time to bring back Stay Kind! with a more focused vision based on giving profits to causes. One of the dilemmas I’ve been trying to sort out is the balance between ethical printing practices and low costs.

The project I work with submitted a panel proposal to the DML2015 Conference. We found out yesterday that it was accepted, which is pretty exciting!

Dr. Jan Oaks passed away earlier this month. She was a professor in the University of Kentucky’s Gender & Women’s Studies department and one of my mentors. I had been thinking about reaching out to her. Another reminder not to put things off.

I am currently taking a break from social media channels. It has raised a strange fear that my friends will forget about me if I’m not showing up in their feeds somehow. But the relief of being removed from those spaces is even greater right now. I’m not trying to disconnect from folks though. Please do stay in touch via mail, email, calls, or texts.

And last, Hemingway is a fun tool. I ran this article through it.

Over the summer, my partner and I moved to a new apartment. Soon after that, I started a new job working in a high school, which is something I had never imagined myself doing. In September, I turned 30, which doesn't actually mean anything, but somehow still feels like it does. And a couple weeks ago, my partner moved back to New England. This last change shook me pretty hard (Am I making a mistake by not going with him right away? Where are my priorities? Am I messing stuff up by staying here? Would I mess stuff up by going with him now?) and ironically gives me a little more of that space and time I need to re-evaluate.

There are some things that have been becoming clear over the past few weeks:

Other people's stories and experiences matter to me. So does finding ways to hear and share them.

I care deeply about issues related to gender, sexuality, and sexual violence.

I also care deeply about other issues related to social and environmental justice, but feel less comfortable addressing issues where I know my knowledge and experience are extremely limited.

I care about friendship and community and do not want to become (more) distant from other people.

I miss creating and working on my own projects, even though I question how much value they have.

I am still struggling with a lot and need to be intentional about taking care of myself.

The things I am struggling with often keep me from being involved with the people and things I care about.

Taking care of myself also keeps me from being involved with people and things I care about.

And so with all of that being said, I'm trying. Trying to figure out how to navigate, regroup, and reconnect. As part of this endeavor, I am trying to write again. And that has meant reading again.

Last night, I started Ned Vizzini's It's Kind of a Funny Story. A friend recommended it to me awhile back, but the idea of reading it after his death made me feel strange, so I had been putting it off. Today, I went to Quimby's and picked up a few things:

Postcards: To help with staying connected with other people. (If you want one, let me know.)

it's down to this: A zine regarding "community and collective response to sexual violence, abuse, and accountability."

Sascha Altman DuBrul's Maps to the Other Side: Because it looked interesting. But I wasn't paying attention to the fact that it was put out by Microcosm, and now I'm really uncomfortable about having it and want to return it.

Dear Sister: Letters from Survivors of Sexual Violence: Because the stories are important, despite what made me cringe - that the book's title suggests only a concern for women who have experienced sexual violence and the blurb from Gloria Steinem naming "body-invasion as the most traumatic of crimes."

Aside from being reading material, I'm hoping the book and zine will also help me get my head back into Break the Silence Project and how to revive it.

As for writing, it's tough because I know I just need to do it and put it out there some place where other people can see it. Be open. Be vulnerable. And so I'm starting here, with these updates. But I never feel like these are finished or worthwhile pieces. So much stuff gets put out into the world, and I don't want to contribute to all the junk. I don't want to waste your time. Yet I know if I wait to have something that feels really worthwhile, I'll stay hidden and silent, which is part of what I'm trying to break out of.

My concerns, on the other hand, have been more about safety as targets who are challenging larger institutional structures. We are in a time when rap videos on YouTube are used as evidence of gang activity, social networks are used to identify people for deportation, and journalists and lawyers are resorting to burner phones and clandestine meetings to try to carry out their work. If government agencies see DIY house shows as a threat worthy of tracking and using undercover tactics, to me it seems logical that black and brown kids coming together and questioning the institutions and power structures that impoverish their communities will be seen as something to monitor.

Several months ago, I picked up several books from the public library to help inform the work we were doing. It was right before one of our meetings and I didn't have much time - the selection was more the product of quick grab and scan rather than careful decision making. The assortment of books I took along included a couple of (now outdated) portfolios of innovative web design, books on social media strategy, and one dealing with privacy and anonymity on the web.

Thanks to the setting aside regular, if short, time to read everyday, I just got around to reading Cole Stryker's Hacking the Future: Privacy, Identity, and Anonymity on the Web. It was actually really different than I had expected, touching on the history of Anonymous, background of WikiLeaks, CIA connections to Facebook, and more. A couple weeks ago, the Illinois Humanities Council held a panel discussion: "What Are the Rules? Digital Media and Citizen Action in #Ferguson." The speakers were Susan Smith Richardson from the Chicago Reporter, Alexander Weheliye from Northwestern University's African American Studies, and Daniel O'Neil of the Smart Chicago Collaborative, moderated by Alison Cuddy from the Chicago Humanities Festival.

I was interested in the panel for a few reasons: Ferguson has opened up space for important conversations to take place in a more public sphere than they are usually given access; I am interested in the role digital media has in both supporting and impeding positive social change; and - having just read more about the background of Anonymous - was curious to see how others interpreted their role in Ferguson.

The panelists (and others in the room) raised many important points. After months of being received with blank stares when raising questions about U.S. government surveillance of its own citizens, it was a relief to hear a conversation start with a reminder of COINTELPRO as just one example of an ongoing history of clandestine government operations played out against groups who challenge existing power structures. Other issues raised also mirrored those addressed in Stryker's book:

the right to privacy as a privilege for people protected by power

the responsibility (or lack thereof) of verification by news outlets when sharing information from Anonymous

the creation of alternative spaces for expression is nothing new - the difference is immediacy and reach

even the best intentions can have unexpected and harmful consequences (and we should be wary of assuming that media outlets have the best intentions)

the drive and influence of money in a lot of decision-making, including the field of journalism

the challenge of knowing what (re)sources to believe or trust

The final question of the night was posed to the panelists by another audience member: "What is the future if we don't know what we can believe?" This resonated particularly deeply with me as I have been trying to make sense of who controls information - including production, distribution, censorship, sharing, and surveillance. If any of the panelists had a good answer, I don't remember what it was. I don't have one either. I'd love to hear what other people think.

Two weeks into this endeavor, my entry on August 19th ended with the note "increasingly bummed and frustrated about not getting to work on my own stuff" - followed by a storm cloud with lightning. The next day ends with "REVOLT (i.e. need to do something for myself...)." And that's what I did, although now I can't remember exactly what I did. Since then I have been trying to be more intentional about doing things for myself. Which brings us to...

Don't Break the Chain (Round 2)

Perhaps you've heard of the "Don't Break the Chain" motivational technique. The idea is simple. Cross off each day you have completed a certain goal on a calendar. Do it every day so you don't break the chain.

This was one of many tactics I used for awhile to try to combat depression while living in Burlington, VT. I had several daily chains going: exercise, write a letter, do a journal entry... I think there were others, but can't remember now. Anyway, this turned out to be a really helpful tool for me. I had the calendars posted on my wall, and they gave me specific goals to focus on each day and helped me visualize my progress.

So last Sunday, I created some new "Don't Break the Chain" calendars to stick in the back of my log book and help keep me on track with things I want to get done. I have daily calendars for reading, catching up on the news, and doing a 3 Good Things post. I also have weekly calendars for work on Creative Divergents, sending mail, doing a blog post, doing a Redacted piece, cleaning my work area, and checking my post office box.

So far, so good. Even though I'd hoped to spend time in this week's post addressing some other issues that have been heavy on my mind, we'll save that for next time. The self-imposed deadline means actually getting something published - even if it's not quite what I'd been aiming for - rather than having pieces sit for weeks and never see the light of day.