I just can’t do it anymore.
I grew up with an innate aversion to conflict. I guess it came from noticing the way that my extended family passive-aggressively danced around tough issues during our holiday gatherings. Each family member had their own reaction to growing tension and the little guy you see above mostly just froze and prayed those moments would end. In high school, my hatred of conflict spawned a learned ability to fill awkward conversational vacancies with jovial anecdotes in an attempt to join hands with those around me for the sake of social unity. Above all else, I wanted everyone to get along, sit in a circle and sing songs together.
As you can imagine, it’s been a hard act to keep up in our hyper-polarized modern day. As ideologies hardened and rifts widened, I became more and more agitated that I couldn’t be the “Kumbaya, everyone-get-along, song and dance man” anymore.
Yet still I tried.
I kept quiet about my own thoughts (as much as my soul would let me get away with) so that I could maybe eke out a small little piece of communal pie where we could all live in harmony as long as I didn’t say anything that rocked the boat.
But now, I’m the “liberal” amongst my people and I just can’t do it anymore. The cracks are showing in my game of silence and I just can’t. Repression has led me down a lonely, dark road that I chose for myself. The defense mechanisms of my youth became my prison as an adult. My fear of conflict and tension has devastated my ability to speak from the heart and in turn, has stunted my ability to communicate emotionally. But I just can’t do it anymore. No matter how awkward it feels or how many people in my life I alienate, I have to speak from my heart.
If you’re reading this and you’ve known me for a long time, (first off, hi!) second, there’s a chance that I’m going to offend you and I don’t apologize for it one bit. You and I (or probably just me) are going to have to learn to love each other through our disagreements. If there’s anything I’ve learned through my travels, new experiences or new friends, it’s that they shape you largely through the differences. To meet someone with all the same thoughts, likes and dislikes is an exciting feeling, but I don’t know how much it does for our ability to grow and become as people. But to meet someone completely different is an often grating, but supremely rewarding feeling that has the opportunity to grow us into much better versions of ourselves. It’s in this thought where I am sad that I robbed my friends and family of that kind of a relationship with me. In keeping my real thoughts quiet for the sake of pleasantness, I stole from my loved ones a chance to grow, stretch and become something greater.
As a former “professional Christian” (and current Christian… don’t get crazy, you jackals), I’ve seen and heard some shockingly offensive and profoundly ignorant things spouted from many surprising places. I’m not here to expose anything to cause harm within the Church. I still believe that the Church and followers of Jesus Christ can be the greatest agents for positive change in our world today. I really do. I’m not saying that it is or isn’t happening, but it can and I believe it will. Its with that in mind that I speak now. I’ve been mostly silent for the last few years because I was still working through a lot of really unhealthy bitterness toward the Church that had built up over the years. That kind of bitterness renders any set of words, no matter how well-written, totally toxic. Bitterness, as a root, poisons everything it touches. If not dealt with, it can be like an onion with deep layers built up over time that can take much work to undo. I’m still on that “undoing” journey and as I discern which topics I can write about without seething behind my tiny computer, I will. It really is my intention to approach those I may disagree with in love. I also want to offer us both the chance to grow!
However, we must disagree well. As much as the internet beckons us to spew the “fire and fury” at each other because we can’t agree on which Game of Thrones episode is best (Answer: none of them), we must be civil. You are not crazy and I am not crazy. We both came to our own set of beliefs and standards through a series of rational thoughts that were informed by an infinitely complex web of experiences and relationships… and all of that makes perfect sense to us! So really, the goal should be understanding, patience and grace. We’re not going get there this very second and we may not ever in some cases. But I guess there still is that part of me that wants everyone to get along, but now I think I’m ready to acknowledge that they probably won’t and I can’t let that cripple me.
So, hi.
I’m Davey.
I love God, but most times His Church makes me want to barf. I’m probably not nearly as loving or holy as you ever expected a worship leader to be and it’s probably best that you internalize that now as we go forward. I voted for the woman president. I think Fox News is the worst thing to happen to television since the internet. I’m glad that my wife and I share an anniversary with Federal Gay Marriage. I think you can be both a follower of Jesus and a Democrat. I think socialism is a nice idea that wouldn’t need to be a reality if the Church wasn’t so ridiculously self-centered. I think that if you look around your church on a Sunday and everyone looks like you, you should be worried. I think Christians should care about treating the homeless as well as they treat fetuses. Lots more things, but I’m probably not brave enough to talk about them yet.
P.S. Speaking of fetuses….
BRI IS PREGNANT.
