Databender by day, dreamweaver by night

It’s not even just that I’m working so much that I’m not getting enough sleep. It’s because my mind has gotten so hyperactive with “unfinished business” that I just can’t sleep. I’ve been working without time boundaries especially in the last two weeks to get the final approach paper and evaluation matrix out to “officially” start the multiple benefits evaluation, while simultaneously setting up the first case study mission in China (where I’m going in less than two weeks!). That meant replying to emails and talking to people on the phone in China to schedule interviews at night soon after I got home from work, to avoid losing another day by waiting till normal work hours to reply. And there’s always family concerns to attend to after (and sometimes during) work, of course.

The other reasons it’s been crazy are things that I’ve brought upon myself entirely through my own “heroism”, if you could call it that :P Because of my desire to help create change in the office, I volunteered to basically design and test a tool to capture all the office staff’s specialized knowledge and skills in preparation for our retreat, which is happening this week. AND I also said yes to a speaking engagement (basically a one-hour lecture) in Canada for a core evaluation course that I had attended myself five years ago, when I first started in this field.

Now on the speaking engagement, of course, it was a great opportunity for me professionally. I had been recommended by our former director who used to do this presentation (which actually I had made for him, because it was based on an evaluation my former boss and I did). I would be speaking to an audience of more than a hundred new evaluators from all around the world, a chance to get my name and my work out, and perhaps to get an annual (unpaid) gig. More importantly, it was a chance for me to spread the word on complexity thinking, to break out from the linearity that evaluators are taught and prefer to work with. But I was not feeling 100% about it because I was already maxed out in terms of work commitments, and my personal policy/ philosophy is that if something creates unnecessary stress in your life, it means you shouldn’t be doing it, and you should say no. Especially since I would have to apply for a visa within a short time frame, which would be another thing to think about on top of everything. I asked for a sign for whether I should pass on the opportunity to my former boss instead, who never got the chance to speak at that course and who would benefit greatly from the networking. And I did get the unlikely sign I asked for...but it was a few days too late, so I was still undecided.

As expected, my family and friends and my current boss said that I should do it, which didn’t help, because YES is my default answer to most opportunities. Which is why I tend to end up in stressful situations that normal people would wisely run away from, all for the sake of experiencing something “interesting”. Then I asked a senior colleague of mine, to get the perspective of someone whom I considered impartial in the matter and knowledgeable about my workload, and he said I should not go since I was too busy, and I would have many other opportunities later on. In a way, this answer was expected from him, because he is the kind of person who gets upset over stressful situations, especially if they’re due to last-minute changes.

But I wanted to clear it first with the people who invited me since at this point I had already said yes (two weeks before the talk). I explained my busy situation, and started to give them my former boss’s name, but as soon as I said “retired”, the organizer said, “Oh no, please, we were really looking forward to having you! Because we didn’t want to have another white old man speaking.” And I laughed, because indeed it had occurred to me as well, when I was weighing my options. I thought, if I went there and managed to inspire someone in the audience -- me who had sat in the very same seat they were sitting in five years ago and now a speaker at the same course, from a developing country, (relatively) young, female, definitely not white -- then that would be an accomplishment in itself. When she said that, I made up my mind to go despite all the additional stress I knew it would bring (which has anyway never scared me off from doing something that’s worth my energy). It also made me feel more at peace and less anxious about my presentation which I kind of had to build from scratch, since I had never delivered a one-hour talk on the topic.

More on what happened on the trip and my lecture in my next post. For now, I just wanted to document here my conversation with my colleague (who is from a rich European country) whom I had earlier asked for advice, when I told him I was leaving for Canada the next day. I wrote this down the same day we had the conversation, and I’ve tried as much as possible to capture the exact phrases that were exchanged.

HIM: Didn’t I tell you not do it?

ME: Yes, but I did call them, and they said they wanted me, because I break the stereotypes....

HIM: ... (uncomprehending look)

ME: Because I‘m not an old white guy.... (feeling uncomfortable to put it in such stereotypical terms because this is exactly what he is)

HIM: (Eyes widening, big smile on his face) Ohhh, I see, because you’re not a bigshot!

ME: No, because, I’m not an old white guy...

HIM: Yes, I see, because nobody knows you, you’re not a bigshot! You’re not part of the group, you’re an outsider! So you were forced to do it?

ME: (Deciding to ignore what he just said) Well, it did cross my mind that if I do this, maybe I can inspire someone in the audience if they see someone like me talking there, since I was there five years ago, and they can see what they can accomplish.... So I decided that even though it’s going to stress me out, it’s for a good cause!

HIM: Ah you’re so idealistic! I used to be idealistic, too. Well I still am, but not as much, now I’m more realistic.

It's turned out to be quite a #creative #weekend! Today I went to a #babyshower (that I had thought wasn't till next weekend :P) where we got to paint onesies for my friend’s #twins :D Another new medium for me ;)

Yes, that’s my grand insight from last weekend, which I already mentioned in my last post while I was taking a break from work.

I realized that trying to have “work-life” balance was just adding to my stress, so by giving up “life”, I reduce my anxiety over work not getting done :P Pathetic, I know, but I think this is the philosophy I will have to adopt over the next few weeks (months?) - even though it’s against my core principles - while I sort out the too-much-work that I’ve brought upon myself. But it’s ok, my spirit always finds a way to breathe - I’m blogging right now, aren’t I?? It’s just that something’s gotta give, and if work is the priority, then it’s either rest or wonder that’s going to suffer (my social life has already sunk to the bottom of the barrel as a given :P).

A few weeks ago, while I was feeling extremely stressed and thinking that I should really change my life to be aligned with my vision and spirit, I reflected on the “Essential Me”, meaning what has remained consistent over the years, regardless of all the life and inner-life changes I’ve gone through. (Since I’ve always been a very self-reflective person, you can trace these threads in my journal all the way back to when I was 13 probably).

What gives me joy AND provides value to others?

teaching/ sharing what I know, and seeing people’s lives improve as a result

finding better ways of doing things / creating new things that are both beautiful and useful by experimenting with and combining different ideas and methods

exploring and immersing myself in new places (whether cities or wilderness) / discovering new things with my senses / listening to people’s stories, and then....

capturing truth and beauty/ a unique perspective of these worlds by creating something, and inspiring others or giving them the means to express what is in their soul by sharing this creation

taking care of children and animals

What drives me to do things?

boredom/ repetition a.k.a. the need for variety and novelty

curiosity or ‘why take that road when you already know where it goes?’ (one of the reasons I tend to oversubscribe myself and end up stressed over not having enough time)

compulsion to learn about everything (keeps me up till morning - gotta love the internet! another reason I tend to oversubscribe myself and end up stressed over not having enough time)

obsession with achieving the optimum: maximum value for multiple interests/ objectives, zero waste (which I guess you could say is a specialized form of perfectionism)

momentum (once I start something, I can be very focused and obsessive about it and it’s very hard for me to stop. interestingly, this comes in seasons, meaning I’ll be so hyper about something for hours or days or weeks - even months - and then suddenly lose interest. so I’ve learned to just ride the wave when its there and go with the flow wherever it takes me next. unfortunately, i can’t say for now what triggers these obsessive seasons to begin with)

What are my highest goals/ principles? (since childhood?!)

Balance. Integration. Among all the areas of my life and all aspects of myself.

Inner peace.

What are (some of) my biggest weaknesses?

always wanting to be and do everything all at the same time (see joys and drivers)

lack of consistency / follow-through in things that I do (related to need for variety/ boredom and to momentum/ seasons)

tendency to be easily distracted by inconsequential things and details and not being able to stop (related to momentum, and possibly too much mental stress)

The idea was to look at all of these things together and design - or craft (nicer word) - a life of maximum personal joy and value to the world by focusing only on THESE things, which in the end are the only things that always matter in my life.

In the elevator, after our group photoshoot on the rooftop for our soon-to-be-relaunched website. (I surprised myself by how far I could stretch out my arm for a selfie).

This is almost our entire office of 18 people fitting in this elevator! Only 4 or fewer are missing. But in this small office, we represent 16 nationalities/ ethnic backgrounds, and even greater diversity in terms of communication styles, academic disciplines, and schools of thinking. It’s amazing how we are able to work together the way we do.