Imperfect but I Tries

Playlist: Updated with every released chapter

CHAPTERS

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30 - BOOK 2

Maya/Namjoon Camera Roll💙💛🐨🌻

Photos 1  -  Photos 2 -  First Date -  Boyfriend at Work - His Angry Side & Backside - When He’s Not Looking - Photos 3 - California Stay - So-Fi 2021

******************

It was the third time I was calling in, having decided to spend the time with J-Hope and the rest of the guys rather than go to work at my uncle’s shop. I was one of my uncle’s best mechanics so I got why he was pissed I was passing work again. But at the same time, I had never called in before. In the years I had been working for him, I was one of his hardest workers: I filled others’ shifts and showed up while sick like a dog. I deserved a break myself, no?

“I’ll be there by Tuesday,” I told my uncle, trying to make my voice sound as if I was in fact sick.

Thankfully, I had every other weekend off and luckily this was my weekend off. Plus Mondays the shop so I had the following three days off. And it worked well for me because the guys would be flying back to South Korea on that day.

The thought of them leaving made my stomach turn. I was getting closer to some of the other guys and I was positive I would be missing all of them.

A chiming laughter filled the room I was in. I looked up and noticed J-Hope getting entertained by something Jimin and V were doing on the dance floor. Seeing that bright, wide smile pushed away all sad feelings.

“Who was that?” my uncle asked, irritably.

“No one. Look, Unc. I promise I’ll make up my shifts.”

“Yeah, you will. I heard you’re not even sleeping at home. Who you staying with while you supposedly sick?”

“My boy Seb,” I said without thinking.

The moment it came out of my lips, I regretted it. My family had been asking who I was staying with and I had managed to dodge the question. Truth was, I didn’t want them to know I was staying over at Sebastian’s because I knew what their reactions were going to be.

And sure enough, I was proven right as to why I had kept this a secret. My uncle didn’t disappoint.

“The fairy?” he asked, sounding disgusted. “You ain’t worried he’s gonna come to you when you sleeping?”

When Sebastian came out to me and a lot of his friends some years back, it was a shock but I never saw it as a problem. However, in the culture we had grown up in, being gay didn’t work for his benefit. Luckily, Sebastian was a boxer and scary looking. Not many dared say or do anything to his face.

I had never enjoyed the judgments Sebastian got about his sexual orientation but my uncle’s words were irritating. They made my blood boil. I wanted to tell the man off; I could feel it in the tip of my tongue. However, I swallowed my words. “Gotta go. I’ll see you next week.” I hung up before either of us could say another word.

An odd feeling began to stir within me. It was like I wanted to punch something…and my uncle’s face seemed like the perfect object. Strange, though. I had heard worse from others when they spoke about Seb being gay, so why was it that I was this annoyed this time around?

“Zee!”

I looked up to find J-Hope a few feet from me.

A look of concern came across his sweet features. “Ok?” he asked as he held up a thumb.

The slight frown on his face was something I didn’t like to see. Immediately, I found myself giving him a smile. “Yeah. Everything’s good.”

I got up and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. “Go back to work,” I said as I led him back to the center of the room.

His smile came back, making me feel at ease.

Thankfully, he listened and continued to practice with his group.

For the next several hours, I stayed seated in the room as I watched everyone dance. My eyes mostly stayed on J-Hope. It was hard not to. He really was really amazing; didn’t appear to miss a step. It was quite a thing to witness him go from having a wide, cheerful smile to having a stoic, intense stare.

In the few days I had known J-Hope, I quickly noticed his importance in the group. While Rapmon was the leader, it was J-Hope who everyone turned to for their performance.

I brought this up to Maya out of curiosity.

The guys were currently working by themselves as Maya stood away to analyze.

“Rapmon actually sees J-Hope as the leader, too,” Maya said as her eyes stayed on the guys. “But all the other guys are quick to claim Rapmon as their leader. He does a lot for them on the surface. He’s the one who has more direct contact with their boss. He’s one of the main lyricists, very articulate—did you know he’s a certified genius?”

“No shit,” I asked, shifting my focus to the tallest in the group.

Rapmon was currently being berated by J-Hope on a move he just missed. He tried to repeat the move but ended up tripping a bit.

The scene was quite comical. Even the guys didn’t get upset with him but laughed together at his clumsiness.

“A genius, huh?” I asked, teasingly.

“Mind and body usually don’t work in the same capacity,” May said with a smile as she took in the endearing scene in front of us.

We continued observing the guys run their practice over and over again. I checked the time, feeling my stomach begin to rumble.

“They really should be eating by now,” Maya said, catching what I had just done. “They chowed down their small lunch hours ago.” Making her way to the center of the room, she called out to them and said their time was done.

Immediately, several of the guys began to protest.

Jungkook, V, and Jimin surrounded Maya, pouts filling their faces.

Smiling, I made my way towards them. They were all hard workers, wanting to practice as much as possible. They had been this way yesterday, too.

Maya shook her head at them, closing her eyes—probably because she didn’t want to see their pouts. She had a soft spot for the three youngest ones, I had come to realize. I was sure they had figured it out themselves too and were trying to use it to their advantage. Brats.

J-Hope was a few steps away from Maya but even from this distance, I could see how physically tired he was. He was panting and drops of sweat were coming down his face, practically making a puddle on the floor beneath him.

Noticing a few bottles on the ground, I picked them up and walked over to the guys, handing a bottle to each of them.

J-Hope took the water bottle but his focus and attention stayed with Maya.

Everyone was speaking in Korean. While I didn’t know the language, I certainly picked up on the tones and feelings. The three young ones and J-Hope had a desire to continue practicing even though their bodies clearly needed a break.

As they argued with Maya, I noticed J-Hope still had not taken a sip from the water. I reached over and twisted off the cap, shoving it back into his hands. When J-Hope still didn’t drink it, I reached over and pushed the bottle closer to him.

The prompt worked because he managed to take a good sip.

A proud smile spread across my face.

“One more, one more,” J-Hope said to Maya, insistently.

Maya gave him a look. “You always say ‘one more’.”

Jimin laughed.

J-Hope cracked a smile. “Promise. Promise. One more.”

Maya thought for a moment, took a breath, and gave in.

Out of the corner of my eye Rapmon, Jin, and Suga’s heads hung in disappointment. Obediently, they still took their spots in the middle of the floor as J-Hope began to bark directions.

About an hour later, the nine of us finally left the dance room and headed out for another meal. The guys’ managers entrusted Maya with the group once again. After we were done eating, we went straight to the tracks again.

J-Hope wanted more lessons.

For a solid hour, I was alone with him again as I taught him a few more tricks behind the wheel. More laughter took place in my car—so much of it coming from me.

The language was becoming less of a problem and didn’t feel at all like a solid barrier. Using gestures and small words allowed the two of us to get along quite easily.

As the years passed, I got to learn the language. Not enough to be fully fluent but enough to watch a show and get the gist of what was happening.

A small part of me wishes I knew Korean back then so I could have communicated more with J-Hope but the better part of me liked to believe our connection had transcended language. There was something beautiful in knowing I had connected so quickly and greatly with an individual who was so much different than me. I had never felt special but my time with J-Hope during that week certainly made me feel almost special.

After we were done with the lessons, I wanted to test him on everything he learned.

“You alone,” I told him as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

“Uh?” he asked, his mouth pouting a little and his eyebrows slightly knitted together.

“You got this,” I said, patting him on the shoulder and reaching for the door handle.

A smile quickly spread across his face and he let out a nervous laugh. “Jinjja?”

I nodded and gave him an encouraging smile. “Do all.”

“All?” His eyes almost bulged out of his sockets.

“Come on, J-Hope,” I said as I stepped out of the car and closed the door. “Let’s go! Gaja!”

After letting out a giggle he nodded. “Ok ok. Gaja!”

Making my way over to the rest of the guys and Maya, they all had confused looks.

“He’s doing it himself,” I explained as J-Hope drove the car further from us so he could start.

He hadn’t learned much; however, in the small amount of time we had spent together, I was impressed with how quickly he had absorbed everything. He went around the track a few times, speeding up to 120 with ease. He easily transitioned closer to us and came to a smooth stop close to us and began to do donuts.

The guys all clapped for their member, impressed with his new skills.

I could easily pick up on J-Hope’s happy face.

He was close by that I was able to scream something out to him that he could easily hear. “New trick!”

Perfectly, he understood me. He sent me a quick thumbs up and shifted the car back to gear, letting go of the wheel so the car could straighten. Once the tires faced forward, he went on to do another quick lap around the track, getting himself ready for the newest trick I had shown him last night.

Once he was just a hundred feet away, he spun his wheel and applied the throttle. Beautifully, the car began to drift.

As J-Hope successfully completed a drift, everyone began to cheer. I was the loudest of us all. Last night he had a little bit of trouble transitioning but this time he had done it flawlessly.

Enjoying the cheers, J-Hope did his trick another two times before he finally slowed down the car and parked next to us.

“J-Hoooooooooooooooope!” I called out to him as he exited the car and headed towards us.

Everyone began to laugh at my cheer.

J-Hope laughed hardest of all, enjoying my over-the-top reaction.

Honestly, the feeling of making him laugh was a kind of happiness I could not explain. And I was proud to say that I did it a lot that entire week.

*********

In the last two days I spent time with J-Hope, I came to accept the obvious. J-Hope had awakened something in me—had taught me something I didn’t know about myself. And judging by the looks Jimin kept giving me whenever he caught me staring at his dance leader, I was sure other people came to the same conclusion.

I’m not sure if J-Hope had ever found out. If he did, he never let it deter it from still hanging out with me—or being alone with me. He still asked to ride with me whenever we drove somewhere. Still sought me when he wasn’t practicing.

After their concert, it was me he came rushing towards—all proud and happy.

I didn’t get to see him off to the airport but we did all hang out the night before their flight. It had been another night full of laughter and memories. We exchanged emails and he promised to email me as soon as he landed in Korea.

And he kept the promise. For the months following, we became email pen pals. We wrote to each other a few times a month. At first, we were both good at responding to one another. However, as the years rolled by, things changed.

After accepting the truth about myself, the people around me started to notice.

I was in a relationship that none of my family approved of. The judgments and hatred became too much. It didn’t take long for my uncle to fire me. Not only did I end up with no family support but I had no income.

The only ones who accepted me and supported me were the Luna family; however, Maya’s stardom grew. I genuinely believe they tried to stay in touch but I didn’t want to be a bother.

I couldn’t stay in LA anymore so I moved in with a friend halfway across the country, landing in Chicago.

My communication with J-Hope came to a full stop after that and I eventually lost all phone numbers of the Lunas.

 I started a new phase in my life. One where I didn’t have to hide myself anymore. One where I wasn’t scared of being more open with people.

And while I had moments of pride for what I had done, I also had many times of loneliness. I didn’t pick the best partners. And I didn’t always make the right decisions. I made some bad calls and I suffered the consequences for it.

Just some months ago, I hit a new low after my latest breakup. I started to question my existence—my sanity. I was in a dark place.

However, just before I could do something stupid, I saw the notification on social media.

J-Hope’s involvement in Lollapalooza.

My mood changed in an instant. Because I had worked at multiple festivals in the past, I knew there was a great chance of me being present when he performed.

I promised myself something that day: I wanted to live until I could see him at least one more time.

******

Grant Park, 2022

I continued following the petite Korean woman who had dragged me from my post. A good number of staff surrounded and followed us. We passed many other posts, and some of my coworkers gave me questionable looks. I was just as clueless as they were.

We finally came to the trailers where all the performers stayed before their shows. Maybe the staff needed me to cover another artist? Fuck. That meant I was going to miss J-Hope.

As we turned the corner, my eyes immediately fell on a medium-height Latin woman. One I had known for two decades but had fallen out of touch with.

Maya smiled once our eyes met. “He was right. I didn’t believe him. Now I owe him $20.” She walked over to me. “How you been, Zee?”

Her arms were wrapped around me and it took a good moment to snap out of my shock and hug her back. “I thought you wouldn’t have recognized me,” I admitted without intending to.

She stepped back, her brows knitted together in confusion. “How? You’re not one to easily forget, man.”

I felt myself smile a little, a sense of relief taking over.

Reaching down, she took my hand. “We don’t have much time. Come on.” She pulled me over to the trailer nearest to us.

That’s when it hit me. Her words began to make their way to my brain cells: He was right. I didn’t believe him. She and J-Hope had discussed me. He had recognized me! And then it hit me where she was taking me: into a trailer. His! She was going to take me to him! I was going to be seeing him again!

My heart raced; my head felt a little light.

Maya opened the door and stepped in. “Guess who I found,” she said in Korean. She pulled me inside with her.

I stumbled in, my eyes scanning the room. Several people were present. There was a thin Korean woman with bleached hair sitting on a chair near the couch. On the couch were two very good-looking Korean men, two I immediately recognized: Jimin and J-Hope.

As my eyes stumbled upon J-Hope’s I noticed the bright smile that years ago had been the cause of my sexual awakening.

Damn, he had aged like fine wine. He was even better looking than he was when we were younger.

While I stood like a statue and gawked, J-Hope’s reaction differed. He jumped off the couch and let out a small yell. “Zee!”

Before I could react, his arms were around me, hugging me tightly.

“How are you?” I heard his light, high voice say.

I felt a shove and turned to see Maya laughing at me. “React, man.”

Shaking my head a bit out of embarrassment, I couldn’t help the words that came out of me, “This is surreal.”

“Did you really think we wouldn’t have remembered you?” Maya asked.

J-Hope stepped back confused himself. “What’s happening?” he asked as he turned to Maya and then me.

“He thought we forgot him,” Maya said gently.

J-Hope’s face drained of color, looking shocked and sad. “No, no, no. Me remember.”

Just like many years ago, seeing him feeling any negative emotions didn’t sit well with me. I forced myself to snap out of it.

Giving him a smile, I reached over and squeezed his shoulder. “Many years passed. I wasn’t sure. It’s good to see you.”

Seeing my smile, his face got some color back.

He moved towards the couch to wear his group member was now standing. “Jimin. You remember?” he asked as he pushed Jimin closer to me.

Jimin’s eye smile and open arms greeted me.

I stepped in and welcomed the hug. “Of course. How are you, man? Jal jinaesyosseoyo?”

Jimin laughed impressively. I had been told my accent was pretty good when speaking Korean. He gave a slight bow. “Gwaenchanhayo. And you?”

“I’m feeling excited to see J-Hope perform,” I responded fully in Korean.

J-Hope clapped and let out laughter. Jimin’s face dropped in shock as well.

“Your Korean is better than my English,” J-Hope said.

I shook my head. “Ani. I speak very little. I only understand when people speak it slowly and clearly.”

“We’ll speak slowly,” J-Hope promised.

“That’ll be hard for you,” said one of the women in the room, the one sitting down.

J-Hope giggled and turned to her. He said her name and walked over to her. “Girlfriend,” he said to me.

She had a very kind face and smile. She was gorgeous. Standing up, it became apparent her height was equal to J-Hope’s. With those long legs of hers, thin figure, and flawless skin I wondered if she was a model. “Hi. Nice to meet you,” Nari said, extending her hand to me. She held no accent and judging by the way she carried herself made me believe she was American.

Before anyone else could say anything else, a staff member entered the trailer and announced J-Hope had to start heading toward the stage.

“You work after show?” J-Hope asked me.

“What time is your shift over?” Maya asked right after.

“Two hours after the show finishes,” I responded. “Got to clear everyone out and run security to make sure everything is in the clear.”

“Come to hotel,” J-Hope said. “Have dinner.” He began to make motions of grabbing an imaginary spoon and taking air bites. “Nam nam nam nam.”

In the many years, we hadn’t seen each other and he hadn’t changed. I let out a laugh.

He giggled back. “Dinner?”

I nodded.

“Promise?” he asked with a hopeful smile.

There was no way I could say no to him. I gave him another nod.

“Hoseokssi,” called out a staff member from the door.

J-Hope acknowledged the staff and muttered he was on his way. He turned to Maya. “Get his information. See if it’s possible if his work will let him out early.”

As much as I wanted to ditch my work to hang out with J-Hope, I knew it wasn’t right. “I’ll come right after my shift. It’s only two hours,” I said to Maya, not needing translation. Then I turned to J-Hope. “It gives you some time to rest.”

J-Hope gave me a thumbs up, understanding. “Ok. See you for dinner.” And then he was off.

Quickly, I gave Maya my phone number and socials. As we parted, I felt myself on a high. As if I was in a dream. Throughout the show, I kept pinching myself to make sure I was awake.

A few times, J-Hope pointed towards me and sent me a smile and I swear, it felt like no time had passed.

*******

After my shift, I made true to my promise and went straight to J-Hope’s hotel. There, I met with him, Jimin, and Maya. J-Hope’s girlfriend was there for a while before taking off.

As the night continued, we relived a lot of memories from the single week we spent together. However, as happy as I was that J-Hope remembered me, I was truly baffled he recognized me. According to Maya, it had been J-Hope who had spotted me first.

I was itching to know. “How did you remember me? It was so long ago?”

“Hobi-hyung took so many pictures. And we have so much video footage,” Jimin explained.

J-Hope nodded. “Our staff put a lot of our old photos and videos into memory cards as well. I go back and watch a lot of it from time to time.”

“He loves watching old memories,” Jimin said. “He still talks about you. Says you are part of the reason he was able to do this event.”

Jimin’s face looked so genuine, I had no reason to doubt him. However, I still couldn’t believe it. “How?”

I had said it in English, but J-Hope understood. He began to explain. “I wanted to do something by myself but I was frightened. Seriously. Doing something without my group members scared me. But then I remembered you teaching me how to drive. And how I learned all those scary and dangerous tricks all on my own. You made me drive all by myself and show you everything I had learned, remember?”

I nodded, recalling that night vividly.

“It served as motivation that I could do it on my own. It was that memory that gave me the confidence and knowledge that I could do it on my own. Seriously.” J-Hope’s eyes held mine. He looked a bit teary-eyed but had a sweet smile on his face.

His emotions reached into my soul and moved me. Fearing that if I used words I would fall apart, I raised my bottle of beer to him.

He mirrored the gesture and we took our sips in unison.

After a good while, Maya then spoke up. “What has your life been like these last few years, Zee?” Her eyes and tone were gentle and careful. I wondered if word had spread her way about the struggles I had gone through. Despite living over a thousand miles away from LA, I wouldn’t doubt the gossip about me had continued well after me no longer living there.

I hesitated at first in giving too much detail—especially about my lows. However, feeling the safety and encouragement of J-Hope, I came clean about a few things.

Well into the next morning, I felt myself open up to them. And for the first time in years, I felt the support and safety I had been needing.

J-Hope was the first to ask how he could help. On more than a dozen occasions, Jimin had wrapped his arms around me. Maya gave encouraging words.

I was grateful to the three of them.

Jimin often messaged me with comforting words.

Maya helped relocate me to a place I was happier in and found me a job.

And J-Hope never went longer than a week to reach out to me, sending photos, images, and private videos that were full of laughter and love.

For possibly the second time, it seemed J-Hope had given me life.

It shouldn’t be so surprising to me. He had helped save countless others. I was just one of the lucky ones that had come to know him on a personal one. I was one of the most fortunate ones to have been blessed to call him a friend.

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AN: This story was supposed to be finished weeks ago; however, due to the business of life it came a little late. My apologies. Thank you to everyone who gave the story a chance. I appreciate it. :D

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I - II - III - IV

Masterlist

A part of me wondered if Maya would recognize me. However, she too was far away.

Feeling down that I hadn’t gotten the chance to at least catch their attention, I tried to focus on the event itself—and my job.

Some of the acts had done a good job, but most people were here for one guy—like I was.

And finally, the last artist before J-Hope finished. It was time to transition for his show. The moment was close.

However, as I made my way to my spot, I was held back by someone.

“Zee?” asked the person with their hand on my shoulder.

I turned to them and noticed it was a young, petite Asian woman with a slight accent. I had never noticed her before. But she had a lanyard around her neck like the majority of the staff and several wristbands. She must be one of the higher-ups because she wasn’t wearing the uniform. “Yes?” I asked.

She smiled. “Would you please come with me? It’ll only be a second.”

“Is everything alright?” I asked. We were told not to leave our posts.

“Yes. I’ve spoken to your supervisor already. I just need your assistance with something. It’ll be quick.”

I was confused but decided to follow.

I hoped it would be quick. I didn’t want to miss the show. Sure there was plenty of time left, but I didn’t want to risk it.

***********

2014

The next day I entered some old building in the city. I was quite surprised that I had arrived at the right place. Considering that J-Hope had said he was in some group, I would think his company would get him a decent place to work in. Surely, his label was able to afford a better place than some downtown sketchy area. It wasn’t a place that seemed safe after hours.

Suddenly, I found myself worried and hoping he wasn’t made to stay to practice in such a place well into the night. LA wasn’t as bad as the media made it out to be but one still had to be cautious in certain areas.

I sent Maya a text telling her I was outside. She must have been on a break because she immediately answered.

She was one of J-Hope’s and his group’s dance instructors during their stay; that’s how they had met. It was odd that Maya had taken a side job of the sort seeing that her stardom was really taking off. She had her career now she could focus on. However, she had mentioned she had taken on the instructor position as a favor for someone. Plus, it was a good business plan for her own girl group. J-Hope’s group was filming their practices and show, so Maya would be getting exposure overseas for her group. It was smart, honestly.

Just as I entered the building and made my way into the hall, I was greeted by Maya jogging my way.

“You can get lost here easily,” she said as she got to me. “Plus, there’s a guy in the staff who’s kind of an ass. I can see him giving you trouble and attitude if you get to us alone.”

I gave a slight nod, understanding. “You guys on break?”

“Yeah. Just for a bit. Gonna practice for another two hours and then we’re gonna catch lunch. Hopefully. If Mr. Asshole lets them.”

“Mr. Asshole?” I asked, confused.

She rolled her eyes. “The staff is overall really kind. But there’s one or two of them that are extremely strict. I’d like to tell you the details but we’re about to arrive,” she said as she slowed her walk as we got to a turn.

I looked up and took the turn with her. Upon turning, there were two Asian men sitting outside a door, looking at us skeptically.

Maya muttered something to them.

One of the men nodded but the other kept his eyes on me. I swear if looks could kill….

Pretending as if nothing was wrong, Maya made her way past them and opened the door. She held it for me and waited for me to enter first. As I took a few steps in, we exchanged a look. I guess I had just met Mr. Asshole.

Once inside the room, I could see people scattered in little groups throughout the room. There were cameramen, young girls chatting in the corner, some guys in the middle of the room dancing, and others off in a corner goofing off.

My eyes seem to immediately scout and spot J-Hope. He was among the group off in the corner. Without even thinking, my voice just took over. “J-Hoooooope!”

J-Hope’s neck snapped towards me, his eyes wide with concern. The frightened look on his face didn’t last. Upon seeing it was me, that bright smile took over.

Letting out a booming laugh, he made his way over to me. “Zee!”

After giving dap and slapping each other on the back, I noticed Jimin and Suga had come over as well. Greeting the pair of them in a similar fashion, J-Hope called over the rest of his group mates.

I met the broad-shoulder guy with too much eye-liner, Jin, the leader of the group—whatever that meant—who was tall and a little lanky, Rapmon, the little kid with the deep voice, V, and the youngest of them, Jungkook. They all were all smiles and seemed excited and eager when the end of their break was called. Hell, if it was me, I would have looked crabby.

As the guys continued with practice, I sat against the wall and watched.

I was surprised by how good they were. Not all of them seemed like natural dancers but there was no denying they all equally cared to perfect the job.

But in spite of their working hard, they also seemed to be playful. At one point, the kid with the deep voice—V—made a mistake and stepped on Jimin. The pair of them started to “fight” about it. The rest of the guys paid their bickering no mind but the youngest of them kept laughing at their banter.

I quickly took notice how Jimin kept physically close to some of the other guys. It wasn’t just J-Hope that he seemed touchy with. Also, I took note how some of the other guys acted in a similar fashion to Jimin—there was close contact and back hugs. Maybe it was the culture.

Maybe J-Hope and Jimin weren’t romantically involved.

My heart made a flutter at this thought.

Doing my best to stay focused on the guys’ dancing, I tried to squash these emotions down.

For the next couple of hours, I watched practice without getting the slightest bit bored. J-Hope sent me a lot of smiles and laughs. We exchanged a few words but mostly, I let him work.

Maya had stated practice was soon going to be over; however, a guy walked into the room and the whole mood seemed to change. It was Mr. Asshole.

The guys grew quiet. There was no more laughter.

Maya’s facial features altered as well. She suddenly had a resting bitch face.

“Ok, guys. One last time and then we can call it a day,” she said pretty loudly. Then said some words in Korean.

The cameras followed her as she got into position in front of the guys. The crew looked excited that the day was finally going to be over.

Mr. Asshole said something out loud.

I didn’t understand but judging by everyone's faces and groans, I reasoned whatever he said wasn’t good.

Maya placed her hands on her hips and responded back in Korean.

The man ignored her and we left the room.

She looked ready to punch someone.

J-Hope reached over to her and muttered something. “It’s ok,” I heard him say gently.

Taking a deep breath, she gave a nod. Turning to me, she gave a short description of what had just occurred. Their manager, Mr. Asshole, was wanting the guys to continue practicing.

For the next hour, the guys continued their work.

I started noticing a change with them, though. Their energy was clearly dropping. And some of the guys didn’t look too hot.

Maya called for a small break, holding V and leading him over to where the water was.

J-Hope walked over to where I was. I handed him a bottle of water. “You ok, man?”

He nodded and gladly took the water. He was out of breath but looked ok.

The same couldn’t be said about the rest of the guys, though. Even the staff looked to be a bit overworked. Although all they were doing was waiting, I had to remember that I had been here for well over three hours and none of them had eaten much. It was pushing past five already.

A bit later, Maya seemed to make a call. She spoke to one of the other staff present and they agreed the guys had gotten enough practice.

“Let’s go,” Maya told the guys. “Time to eat.”

V looked more than happy.

Some of the guys exchanged a look of worry, almost as if they wanted to get the ok from someone else.

One of the staff stepped in and said something to them, a smile on her face. She seemed more pleasant than Mr. Asshole.

“What’s happening?” I asked Maya as the staff spoke to Rapmon and J-Hope.

“Nothing. They practiced enough. Mr. Asshole stepped outside a while ago and we’re not sure when he’s gonna be back. One of the staff tried reaching him but he’s not answering. I think it’s good that we stop. They’ve practiced enough but they don’t seem to go unless Mr. Asshole says it’s ok.” Maya didn’t seem at all happy saying this. “Hopefully, this staff member is able to convince them to leave.”

A few minutes later, the guys finally gave in but didn’t seem happy about it.

I took the lead to show them where I was parked. J-Hope was right next to me.

We made our way over to my car and I took out my keys. “Wanna drive?” I asked a smiling J-Hope.

However, before he could answer a yell from behind us made us stop and turn around.

Mr. Asshole was making his way toward us.

Suddenly, I saw seven tall males turn into little children. All of their necks bowed down as Mr. Asshole seemed to scold them.

Maya stepped in between, though, keeping him from getting close to the guys. She said something quick in Korean—almost with a matter-of-fact tone. Then she turned away from him and pushed the guys towards our cars.

“We’ll bring them back by 11,” Maya said as she made eye contact with me, shoving Jungkook in front of her.

I was quick to notice how she kept her hands on the young one’s shoulders, keeping him from turning around towards the manager. A look of slight worry washed over Jungkook’s face.

A little confused as to what was happening, I opened my mouth to say something but then the guy yelled out something in Korean.

I wasn’t fluent in the language, but the tone made it clear he was unhappy and looked absolutely pissed at Maya.

Before I could even think to react, Maya turned to the fool. Her face also didn’t look so thrilled and while she kept her voice at an even volume, the tone she carried was stern and icy. She wasn’t to be messed with.

I couldn’t understand a word she was saying but by the looks coming out of the guys, she was saying something pretty ballsy.

Not waiting for a response, she turned back around and muttered something to Jungkook. She pushed him forward again.

Jungkook followed instructions and allowed her to maneuver him to the car. At his side, V was being handled as well. Maya managed to take hold of his shirt and drag him along.

I made my way over to my car, catching J-Hope’s eyes, which were wide with shock by what had occurred.

“Zee, you drive this time. I got V, Jungkook, Jimin, and Suga. Take J-Hope, Rapmon, and Jin.” Maya had a look and demeanor about her that I could not describe better than a mama bear.

I wasn’t about to be stupid enough to question her, so I made my way over to the driver’s side, telling J-Hope, Rapmon, and Jin to get into the car with me.

We wasted no time. Maya didn’t even wait for the guys in her car to buckle up. The moment all the doors were closed in her car, she drove off. I followed suit.

After checking the rearview mirror to ensure we weren’t being followed, I finally spoke up. “What happened back there?” I asked, turning slightly to J-Hope.

Stuttering for a moment as he tried to explain to me, J-Hope finally turned back to Rapmon. The two exchanged some words in Korean before Rapmon finally spoke up.

“Our manager wanted us to continue practice. Maya was just reminding him that we hadn’t eaten since morning. She was telling him we had to eat,” said Rapmon.

I filled everything in my head as I thought back to the day. Maya had mentioned that practice was supposed to only be another 2 hours when I arrived. However, the guys were pushing close to 4. Suddenly, I remembered how faint V looked and how off-color Jungkook appeared as well. Her mama-bear attitude made sense.

“She’s looking after you guys,” I said out loud. “She’s right—you need to eat.”

They didn’t agree with me, but they also visibly didn’t disagree. They stayed quiet.

A thought came to my head. “Will you guys get in trouble?” I asked, feeling concerned.

Rapmon spoke up. “No. He will probably forget. He was only in town today. He’s not coming back until the day of the concert. He might have forgotten by then. But Sejin will be there. He keeps things calm.”

There was an uncomfortable silence in the car for a good while. There were so many questions lingering in my head—concerns I had about their well-being. However, I kept my questions to myself. I didn’t know the guys well enough to ask such personal questions. I wasn’t like Maya who seemed to have immediately inserted herself in the guys’ business—in a good way. But that was Maya. She was a spitfire and not one to shy away from anything.

It wasn’t surprising that over the years she had stayed close to the guys. There was a famous clip on the internet of her calling some DJs who were saying grotesque words about the guys. It was right around the time when they started to get popular in the States. Many people in the media had been disrespectful towards the group. In the beginning, Maya seemed to never miss an opportunity to publicly snap back at anyone who mistreated the guys. She had swept the floor with the DJs and had brought down their popularity after she exposed them.

I wish I could have seen the future during that awkward drive with J-Hope, Rapmon, and Jin. I was concerned about their well-being: afraid their manager would make their life hell later. But I shouldn’t have worried. Later on, through fan forums, I learned this manager had been fired.

A while later, we arrived at the beach. I had followed Maya, not knowing where we would be going. However, after getting to the parking lot, I knew exactly where we would be eating.

“My treat,” Maya said as she headed to the small restaurant.

We all followed and ordered together.

Taking the largest table, I was grateful that the place was mostly empty. Fitting 9 people would have taken too long.

My eyes glazed over to the ocean view. While I lived in close proximity to the beach, I hardly ever visited. I turned to J-Hope who was sitting next to me. “How’s the water in Korea?”

He didn’t understand.

“Temperature. Water. Cold? Hot?” I asked as I motioned to the beach. “Beach?”

His face became clear. “Oh. Cold.”

“Have you been to the beach here yet?” Once again, he looked confused. I really needed to only use simple words. I tried again. “You touch this beach?”

“Yes! Touch before,” he answered.

“We went to the beach a few days ago,” Maya explained. “They say the water is a lot warmer here than there.”

“You like?” I asked J-Hope, holding a thumbs up.

He nodded happily and gave me a thumbs-up.

“Wanna go?” I asked J-Hope, motioning to the beach.

“Yeah!” A bright smile came across his face. He turned to his members and spoke to them in Korean.

They all shook their heads and gave their excuses.

 Maya laughed at something V said. She must have noticed my face. “He’s afraid if he goes, some of the guys will eat his food.”

“One will eat,” Jin muttered as he eyed Rapmon.

Rapmon looked a bit embarrassed and ducked his head.

Suga pointed to the leader and said something in between laughter.

“Jinjja?!” Maya exclaimed. It was one of the few phrases I had picked up on.

Rapmon didn’t say a word but gave a small smile.

Maya met my gaze. “Apparently there’s a story about Rapmon eating people’s food. I’ll get the whole story and tell you later.”

Giving a nod, I turned towards the beach and motioned J-Hope. “Come on. Let’s enjoy the view.”

J-Hope understood and followed.

We reached a spot on the beach with no people around. Again, the weekday kept the crowd at a minimum.

For several minutes we communicated using simple words. It was fun and entertaining. But eventually, we got to a topic I wasn’t too happy to have.

“Scar? How?” J-Hope asked, motioning to my cheek.

Not many people asked about it; I imagined it was because they were afraid of my answer. I had always been aware of how intimidating I could come across, especially with the brutal scar on my face. Secretly, I preferred when people didn’t ask.

“I was a kid,” I muttered, looking away from him, hoping that was enough.

“Oh. Kid? Young?”

I nodded.

“Age?”

A sense of boiling began to linger in my skin, my stomach producing knots. “8.”

“How?”

I shook my head and looked away, not wanting him to see or sense my anger.

My past was something I never liked talking about. Other than the people that were present when my scar took place, not a single soul knew the origins of my mutilation. And I believed at the time that it would always be that way.

The pair of us didn’t say a word for a good while. We stayed sitting in silence for a good moment. For the first time, I was hoping one of our friends would come over and interrupt us.

I looked out towards our friends, all still too far away. I was getting ready to just get up and suggest we head to them instead of waiting.

But that’s when J-Hope finally decided to cut the silence. And he didn’t speak English. He was talking in Korean.

At first, I thought he hadn’t noticed what he was doing, but when I caught the look on his face, I suddenly understood what was happening.

While I had known J-Hope for less than 48 hours, his face usually radiated with happiness. He never went too long without showing off his pearly whites. This time, though, there was a frown on his face as he spoke passionately in his native tongue.

I recalled earlier in the day—his practice with his members. How exhausted he had looked. Maya mentioned how they had a very tight schedule with little to no free time. Their manager, Mr. Asshole, making demands of them. All the while, J-Hope had kept his cool. As I understood it, he was one of the older ones and a leader—it made sense why he was putting up a front that everything was ok. However, deep down I wondered if everything was ok.

As he passionately spoke with a frown on his face, I was certain that he was venting. I might not know Korean, but he needed to let it out. What better person to let out his frustrations than a person who wouldn’t know what he was saying?

For a few minutes, he spoke without taking too many breaths. Maybe for the umpteenth time, I wished I knew Korean and vowed to learn it as soon as possible. Finally, when it looked like he was satisfied, he took a breath. It took a long moment for the frown to leave his face.

Then, he turned to me pointed to my scar, and said, “You turn.”

I felt like I was going to break down at that moment. In the next several years, I often wondered if J-Hope had decided to vent first so I was able to do so. Was there something written on my face that day that he immediately picked up on? Was there something that told him I was going through a rough time and somehow it tied to my scar?

I’ve never truly known J-Hope’s need to have opened up to me that night but I was grateful. For the next few minutes, I explained how I got my scar. It felt liberating, honestly. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I caught myself about to cry a few times but I managed to hold it in.

Feeling I couldn’t continue speaking on the subject, I stopped. I knew if I went on, I would have had a meltdown. And this was not the place to do it. My friends would notice and ask. And I didn’t want them to ask. I was only telling J-Hope because he couldn’t understand me.

A long moment later, J-Hope placed a hand on my shoulder and smiled sweetly.

The urge to lean over and know how those lips tasted ran through my body.

Did he feel the same?

Before my dumbass could do anything idiotic, I heard my phone buzz. Snapping myself out of it, I reached for it and noticed Maya’s number.

“What’s up?”

“Food’s ready. Hurry. We’re starving,” Maya said from the other end.

I hung up and relayed the message to J-Hope.

He quickly got up and we headed back to the restaurant.

The nine of us enjoyed the meal together. While we ate, I noticed how some of the guys were extra playful and communicative with Maya. V was especially chatty with her, a light in his eyes as he looked at her and didn’t seem to stop smiling at her.

It didn’t seem like a crush but looked more like a wandering gaze a small sibling gave an older sibling they admired. Maya used to have a similar look in her eyes when she stared at her brothers when she was younger.

Once our bellies were full, we made our way to our vehicles again.

“Tracks?” J-Hope asked with a big smile, getting into the passenger seat.

I laughed and turned to Maya.

She nodded.

“Oh, yes,” J-Hope said excitedly.

It didn’t take long to arrive and we didn’t have much time to spend there. However, J-Hope made the best of it.

The moment we arrived, he didn’t hesitate to get behind my wheel and do numerous laps around the tracks. We all applauded his technique. He was quite good.

I kept cheering the loudest, clapping and calling out his name. Suga found it especially entertaining in the way I called out J-Hope’s name.

“J-Hoooooooooope,” he mimicked me, putting his first in the air.

Everyone burst out in laughter, most especially me.

************

I - II - III - IV

My manager looked towards me, surprised.

I didn’t blame the guy. I think I had spoken a total of 10 words in front of him since I was hired. I wasn’t one to stand or speak out.

“What was that?” he asked me.

“His name is J-Hope. Not I-Hope,” I emphasized, feeling all eyes on me.

He looked ready to roll his eyes. “Whatever. I’m running on a 3-hour shift and I don’t get off for another 13 hours.” He turned back to his list and continued to tell everyone their tasks.

As he did that my eyes went over to the stage. Soundcheck was taking place.

Of course, I had followed J-Hope throughout the years and had noticed the number of physical changes he went through. The clothes he was wearing now were worn with more conviction. Although there were currently at least a hundred of yards between us, I could see how different he carried himself compared to many years ago.

As I watched him taking charge of dozens of his staff members, one could clearly see the confidence the man exuberated. Back when I first met him he had been so green and almost timid. But that had been long ago….

************

8 Years Ago…Los Angeles

“Ok, so you want to move the shift left to right,” I instructed, making sure J-Hope understood what I was saying.

He was currently behind the wheel while I was in the passenger seat. Maya was in the back seat; only there to assist in interpreting.

J-Hope was quick to follow instructions. His long, slender fingers lightly held onto the shift and tried to move it. However, it wasn’t budging. He let out a nervous giggle, knowing he was doing it wrong.

I couldn’t hold back a smile of my own as I heard his giggle. It was cute.

Quickly, I was shocked by my thought and felt embarrassed by it. It was dumb, really, seeing no one could hear my thoughts. I shook my head, trying to shove whatever stupidity I had in there down.

“Like this,” I said, placing my own hand on the shift and moving it easily.

“Oh,” J-Hope said with amazement, then muttered something in Korean.

Maya giggled.

I turned to Maya then back at J-Hope. “What? What did he say?”

“He said you have big, strong, manly hands,” Maya said, still laughing.

“Much strong,” J-Hope somewhat echoed with that bright, wide smile of his. “Wow!” His eyes went back to admiring my hand.

I felt a heat come over my neck. I decided to ignore it as I heard the pair of them share another chuckle. “You want to grip it very well, but not too strong. Gentle but firm.” As I said this, I moved the shift and I couldn’t help but notice how the words were coming out almost sexual. Once again, I tried to shove my thoughts away. “Now you,” I said as I pulled away.

Maya interpreted what I said to J-Hope. J-Hope nodded, confirming he understood. This time he gripped the gear shifter as I instructed.

“Good,” I praised. “I wanted you to get used to how that feels, to move it back and forth. Next, I need you to push the clutch all the way to the floor and then turn the ignition.”

As I spoke, Maya interpreted everything.

The three of us soon fell into a groove of communicating. Not too long later, we were doing a lap around the track. While J-Hope was a bit timid, he was up for trying a donut.

We moved to Maya’s Mustang since it would be an easier vehicle to do a donut on. My muscle car seemed to not agree so well with J-Hope, so we figured maybe a Mustang would work better for him.

After settling into Maya’s car, I gave J-Hope simple instructions. He had done well so far, so I had little doubt he could do it.

“Ok!” He said with shaking confidence.

I gave him a smile and patted him on the shoulder. “You got this.”

“Hwaiting!” Maya said behind us. I wasn’t sure what that meant but I imagine it was something encouraging.

Outside, Seb, Suga, and Jimin looked excited and cheered J-Hope on. The three of them shouted out the same phrase to J-Hope as Maya, which solidified my thought that it meant “good luck” or something like it.

While Seb and Suga were leaning on Seb’s car and looking chill as they rooted for J-Hope, Jimin had his arms up and acting almost like a cheerleader.

It was sweet how he was rooting for his boyfriend? Friend? I still wasn’t quite sure.

J-Hope took a few deep breaths and then got the car ready, his hands clearly looking a little clammy from the nerves.

“Be sure to keep your eyes on the cone. As long as you focus on that, you’ll be ok,” I instructed, hearing Maya’s voice behind me.

After J-Hope steered the wheel to the left, he mashed the throttle and let go of the clutch. As the car began to move, J-Hope began to counter-steer.

I gave him quick instructions, seeing he was forgetting what to do next, motioning to the shift. As Maya began to interpret, J-Hope was already doing what I had instructed. He fully understood what I had meant. Suddenly, we were turning, our bodies swaying to the right as he drove around the cone.

“Ahhhhhh!” J-Hope screeched out in excitement, letting out a happy laugh after.

I joined in on the happy laughter, quickly liking how proud of himself he looked.

“Wooooooo!”

Turning to the outside of the car, I could see both Suga and Jimin were now jumping up and down in excitement as they witnessed their bandmate live out a dream, however small it might have seemed to others.

Maya had explained to me how big of a fan J-Hope was of the Fast movies. Apparently, in Korea, there wasn’t a place where he could drive as fast as we were on the track, much less do donuts. As an idol—Maya explained this term to me was similar to pop stars in the US but was more intense—J-Hope was expected to have a clean-cut image, despite their bad boy looks. Almost as if they were Disney child actors. This honestly was his only opportunity to live out his Fast and Furious fantasy.

And by the pure happiness written on his face, J-Hope was seeing it happen.

However, it didn’t last too long. J-Hope quickly muttered he was getting dizzy.

After assisting him in safely stopping, we let out a burst of applause. J-Hope moved out of the car, looking a bit green.

Maya and I got out of the car next and continued with the applause.

Maya hurried over to J-Hope and shook him with excitement.

Suga and Jimin were next to physically show their congratulations to him.

J-Hope’s stomach didn’t take long to settle, his face looking more normal now that things were spinning. He said something in Korean.

“What did he say?” I asked after Maya hadn’t interpreted.

“He said he can’t believe he did that,” Seb answered.

J-Hope and I made eye contact and there seemed to be something in my stomach that did a flip. “You did good,” I said, giving him a thumbs up.

That smile appeared again. “You good teacher,” he said.

I shook my head. “That was all you. You’re a quick learner.”

When J-Hope didn’t look as if he fully understood, he turned to Maya.

Maya interpreted.

J-Hope turned back to me, his smile—if possible—bigger than before. “Thank you!”

Suga began to say something, pulling J-Hope’s eyes away from me.

While Suga was the one speaking and everyone was looking at him, I found myself still staring at J-Hope. Quickly, I began to notice small things about him. I was shocked to find out his mouth had an almost-heart shape to it. There also seemed to be tiny indents on either side of the top of his lips that almost looked like dimples. I also noticed the mole on his lip. Or was that a piece of chocolate? Suddenly, the urge to reach over and touch it came over.

Catching myself have such a thought, I snapped out of it. I shook my head for maybe the twelfth time. What the hell was going on with me?

I looked around, hoping no one had noticed me. I didn’t think so, seeing that Suga and J-Hope were now in full conversation. Maya and Seb looked fully listening to them that they seemed to have forgotten about me and interpret for me.

Thinking I was safe, I turned to my right and noticed there was someone who noticed me. Jimin was looking at me, a look on his face that spoke volumes. I had been caught red-handed looking at his guy. However, he didn’t look angry or jealous. There was a smile on him with an almost teasing expression. Pulling my eyes quickly away from Jimin’s, I tried to pull off as if I had done nothing wrong.

It was pathetic, honestly. Embarrassment took over and I felt my entire body light on fire.

I turned away, wanting the ground to swallow me whole. Fuck.

I prayed something would save me or at the very least that Jimin wouldn’t say a thing.

Luckily, my savior came in the shape of Maya.

“Again?” She asked J-Hope simply. I imagine it was for my benefit, so I could understand.

Thankfully it worked. Jimin’s attention shifted from me and went to Maya and J-Hope. Everyone’s eyes were on the pair as well—nowhere near me.

J-Hope shook his head and placed a hand on his stomach. “Tummy,” he said and then made an odd sound I had never heard before. However, everyone understood it. He was worried about getting motion sickness again.

The act made me laugh out loud.

I could see Maya and Seb slightly chuckle at J-Hope as well.

Jimin let out a small giggle and Suga simply smiled.

“He sound affect,” Suga said to me.

J-Hope let out a high-pitched laugh of his own, covering his mouth in almost embarrassment.

“Ok. Finish?” Maya asked again in her simple form.

“Finish-uh, finish-uh” J-hope agreed.

“Ok. Tacos?” Maya looked at everyone.

We all understood and together answered with an enthusiastic, “Yes!”

“Who’s gonna go with who?” asked Seb.

There were 6 of us and 3 cars.

I don’t know what came over but I immediately spoke up as an idea came to mind. “I can take J-Hope. I’ll have him drive on the way there.”

“Will it be ok? There’s the language barrier,” said Maya, showing a bit of concern, but turning to J-Hope and interpreting what I had just suggested.

J-Hope immediately nodded. “Good.”

“It’s not too far and we understand each other, right?” I said as I addressed J-Hope.

He fully got what I said and moved over to me. “Yes! I drive!”

Once he was at my side, I clapped him on the shoulder and squeezed in a friendly manner, hoping it didn’t come off as weird.

Out of the corner of my eye, Jimin had a closed smile. I didn’t want to look at him, afraid I would give attention to him and everyone would ask what he was smiling about.

Seb and Maya quickly figured out who Jimin and Suga would be riding with. Suga was more of the quiet type and understood English better than Jimin, so he went with Seb. Seb fared well in Korean, according to the siblings so this pairing made sense. Jimin wasn’t very good at English and appeared to be very friendly with Maya, so he went with her.

The way to the taco place was about a thirty-minute ride. It would have taken a lot less time but they were taking back streets and avoiding the busy ones to make J-Hope more comfortable. As J-Hope drove, we made small talk. I didn’t want to distract him too much from the road and knew speaking for him in English took effort. However, I couldn’t help but ask him questions.

I couldn’t help but be interested in him. How old he was—he said 21. What city he lived in—Seoul. How long he had been singing—he was quick to say he was a rapper, not a singer.

“Me bad voice,” J-Hope said with a giggle.

If I knew what I know now, I would have told him how wrong he was. But maybe at the time I met him, he didn’t have good vocals. Maybe years after we met he worked on his vocals because he actually had a good singing voice.

We went on to discuss his family. After gathering his parents were still together, I asked if he had siblings.

The word confused him, so I thought of how to make him understand. “Brothers? Sisters? Maya and Sebastian, sister and brother. You? You have brother? Sister?”

“Oh, oh, oh,” he said, his facial features clearing. “One sister.”

“Older or younger?”

J-Hope understood. “Old. She old. Me young.” That heart-shaped smile didn’t seem to leave his face. My focus went to that mole again. I was thankful that it was on his left side and I couldn’t see it very well since he was facing forward to drive.

“You? Sister? Brother?” he asked, his eyes staying on the road.

I let him know my family situation in simple terms, not wanting to complicate things. He was limited by the language and my life was too complex. Even with my own friends, I didn’t explain to them about my family. I didn’t like talking about it; however, I found myself wanting to tell J-Hope. A strange urge of sharing my troubles came over. There was a feeling that came over that if J-Hope had been fully fluent in English, I would have told him. And that he would have been kind about it.

The realization that I wanted to let someone in was foreign to me. Looking back, that’s what was going through me: internal struggle because I was developing a crush on the guy. I had never really found my same-sex appealing. In fact, I never found myself drawn to a single person. Sure, I had had girlfriends in my life and had lost my virginity—at too young an age, if I might add. But despite having been in relationships, I had never felt the butterflies and sweaty palms as I did during that week of knowing J-Hope.

At the time, I thought I was only interested in him because I thought he would make a good friend. Plus, he passed the vibe check with Seb, who was a great judge in character. Maya tended to not fare so well when it came to guys, which was why I was hesitant earlier that day to trust her judgment. Seb liked the guy and this gave me an excuse to think it was normal and fine for me to want to befriend J-Hope so fast and easily.

During that drive, I found myself smiling a lot as well. He was a funny guy. Most of the facial expressions and little sound effects he did made me crack up. Without anyone else around, I was allowed to look at him for as long as I wanted. And laughed as much as I could.

J-Hope seemed to enjoy that he was entertaining me as well. Once he found out how his noises affected me, he did it more.

Sadly, our destination came too fast and we weren’t going to be given privacy anymore. We arrived at the taco trucks.

After everyone made their way out of the cars, we gathered in line. Maya and Seb explained to the guys the food. It didn’t take long for them to figure out what they wanted.

Once it was our turn, J-Hope insisted on wanting to order.

Even with his broken English, he was able to be understood.

“And two beef tacos,” he finished telling the cashier.

“Beef?” the cashier asked, needing clarification.

“Uh,” J-Hope confirmed with a nod. “Mooooo! Beef.”

I found myself letting out a booming laugh, feeling my sides burn.

The rest of our party also laughed.

Suga said something to him in between a chuckle; I imagine he was teasing him.

J-Hope turned to him and joined in the laughter, responding in Korean.

The sudden urge to learn the language took over. Maybe I could ask Seb if he had any books he could recommend on learning Korean.

We went to sit at a table and continued hanging out. Apparently, we didn’t have that much time, though. The guys were expected back by midnight—their curfew.

Finishing our food, I thanked Maya—seeing she had paid for me. We went over to our cars.

J-Hope stopped in between Maya’s and my car. He turned to Maya and asked something in Korean.

Maya answered in Korean first and then interpreted. “I’ll take the guys back.”

Jimin and Suga both headed toward Maya’s car.

“Why?” my voice let out without thinking. “J-Hope can use my car to drive back,” I immediately added, not wanting to sound pathetic.

J-Hope didn’t need interpreting. He asked Maya something. Maybe it was because I was getting used to the language and J-Hope’s mannerisms and facial expressions—despite me only knowing him for a few hours—but I imagine he was asking Maya if it was ok if he drove with me. It almost felt as if Maya was like a babysitter to the guys. However, I did remember Seb making a comment about Maya being in constant communication with the guys’ managers. She was being entrusted with their clients, one of which was just a year above adult age. It made sense why he was asking her permission.

Maya gave a nod and then turned to me. “Back streets again.”

I nodded. “You’re the boss,” I said and made my way to the passenger seat. “C’mon, J-Hope. Catch,” I said and tossed him the keys.

“Oh,” he let out and reached for the keys. Thankfully, he caught them. “Nice!” He turned to Maya and muttered something to her.

I heard a word he and the other two used when speaking to Maya.

“I’ll see you guys later. I got plans after,” Seb said as he got into his car.

J-Hope, Jimin, and Suga said their goodbyes to Seb as everyone walked to a car.

Once inside my car, I asked J-Hope about the word I was curious about. “What’s noona?”

“Uh?” J-Hope asked, his brows furrowed. He buckled himself in just as Maya began to pull out of her spot.

“Noona?” I asked again.

His face cleared and he too pulled out of his spot, following Maya. “Ah. Noona is old sister.”

I was confused.

“We say noona to old sister.”

“Sister?”

“Ah…?” I could see him thinking about how he could better explain. “Maya old. Me young. Young respect old. Young call old girls noona.”

“Girls or sisters?”

We continued talking about this. He did his best to explain to me the hierarchy of age. It was a good thing that we were taking the backstreets, it was allowing us time to talk to each other without any pressure.

It was a different kind of experience, communicating with someone in this way. We were patient with one another and after a while, I noticed how much easier it got to understand one another.

The conversation then led to his group. From what I could gather he and his group were here to train and learn about American culture. He seemed excited and voiced how he hoped for good things for his group.

Another question popped into my head that immediately voiced. “What are your dreams?”

“Dreams?”

“Yeah. What do you want for future? Goals? Dreams? Hope?”

“Hope?” he asked and giggled as he placed a hand on his chest.

It wasn’t the first time he had done this. Anytime his name was mentioned, he would grin widely and motion to himself. It was kind of adorable. And like every time, I chuckled. “Yeah. What are your hopes, J-Hope? What are your dreams?”

It didn’t take long for him to answer. “Awards. Concert.”

“You got a concert lined up already,” I said.

He looked at me, puzzled. “Uh?”

I pulled out the flyer Maya had given me earlier. “Concert,” I said as I pointed to it.

“No. Big concert. Small,” he said as he motioned to the flyer.

I nodded, understanding.

“You go?” he asked, looking a little hopeful.

It was a face I was discovering I couldn’t say ‘no’ to. “Want me to go?”

He nodded excitedly. “Maya, Sebastian, Carlos, you. All friends go.”

I smiled. “Ok. I’ll go.”

“Woo-hoo!” He let out a laugh at his sound.

“But what about your dreams?” I asked.

“Huh?”

“Your dreams. No group, no members. J-Hope’s dreams—what are they?”

He thought for a long moment; I was certain he got what I was asking but didn’t know how to answer. “Concert,” he said finally. There were crinkles in the corner of his eyes as he gave a simple smile.

“Why concert?” I wondered out loud.

“I like…perform. I like dance.” He then did some robot moves, putting physical emphasis on what he was saying.

I fully believed him. I was quickly learning the star quality he had. It made sense why I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. Back then, I believed he must be the center of the team. There was no way there was another member that had a brighter than he did. Suga seemed pretty chill and the type that was satisfied taking the sidelines. Jimin’s personality made me believe he too had star quality.

Of course, I hadn’t met the other moments at that point. And I had yet to see them perform. My judgment of them changed in the upcoming days.

“Do you want your own album? Solo?” I asked, curious.

I noticed we were getting near the neighborhood Maya had described the guys were staying at. Shit, we didn’t have much time.

J-Hope thought for a moment and what looked like a sad look came across his face. “Yes. But much much much years. Future. BTS now. And forever. Team better.”

I didn’t say anything, seeing that this had upset him. In the many hours I had been around the three guys, I could see the closeness. It honestly felt more like a brotherhood. To J-Hope, I was going to quickly discover in the next few days, the members meant everything to him. I imagine the thought of doing anything without his members was a bit troubling.

Not more than two minutes later, we arrived at our destination.

We got out of the car and J-Hope gave me my keys.

“Tomorrow you to practice?” J-Hope asked as he looked at me and then at Maya. He spoke quickly to Maya in Korean.

Maya turned to me. “Wanna watch them practice tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” I said quickly, not hesitating.

J-Hope clapped.

It wasn’t until Maya was giving me details that I realized I had said yes without considering work. Whatever, I didn’t care. The next morning, I called in sick, having no regrets.

****************

I - II - III - IV

Masterlist

I was ready to fall dead myself but I needed to hold it together for another 12 hours at least. It had been a rough year and an even more gruesome month. This day honestly felt like the light at the end of the tunnel. I just needed to get through today. After that…well, I wasn’t too sure how things would be after today. But at least today there was one thing I was excited about.

The leader continued to list everything that needed to be done today. Some of my coworkers took notes, while others looked incredibly bored. I, on the other hand, was looking toward the stage. People were setting up.

I was bound to see him face-to-face, right? I mean, I was in charge of being the closest to the stage and would be taking guard outside his trailer. I had caught glimpses of him throughout the week, but he was always so far away.

Suddenly, the sound of my name pulled me away from the stage.

One of my coworkers, the one who called my name, looked at me and then turned toward the stage. “You a fan?”

I nodded, my eyes going back to the people setting things up.

“I am too. Pretty sweet that we’re gonna be right next to him. This is gonna be my first time seeing him, though. Have you been to one of their concerts?”

Another nod.

“Have you seen him close-up before?” my coworker asked.

A feeling of longing came over. “Yeah.”

“How is he like?”

It didn’t take long to answer. “Absolutely fucking perfect.”

And then, just like that, I was pulled back to a past life.

*********

8 Years Earlier…Los Angeles, CA

I was in my uncle’s shop minding my own business when my life changed forever.

My uncle’s shop was the place I was most at. If it wasn’t there, it was the speedway. Cars were almost a religion for me. Driving was my church. I wasn’t the best mechanic or driver but I was definitely someone who was devoted to it. Maybe because it reminded me of my grandfather. Maybe because it was the one thing I thought I was good at. Maybe it was because cars were inanimate objects that didn’t look at me or judge me.

I was a mopey even back then. It’s not that I was shy or didn’t have friends. I just always felt something was off about me. It always seemed everyone around me had their shit together. Everyone had goals. Dreams. And I had none.

Cars were the only thing that made me feel something. And I was good at it.

The day had been pretty normal. I was in the middle of working on a new engine when a couple of my boys showed up.

It wasn’t odd that I was being visited by them at work—they did that often—it’s that they had arrived with one of their sisters. It was a pretty testosterone-driven business that brought in a shitload of pigs. One look at anything with boobs and almost every male in the building became a fucking animal. All my friends knew this, so it was strange that Sebastian decided to bring his sister with him to a place like this.

Especially someone like her. She was sure to create a commotion.

Immediately after seeing her get out of the car, my eyes went everywhere, wondering how many males had already spotted her.

“Hey, Zee,” she called out to me as she made her way to me.

She had made it five steps before her brother was at her side, already sending the guys manning the front desk a lethal look.

My boy, Sebastian, was a former boxer. He was of average height and had the muscles to make anyone cower. A simple scowl from him would make any sane male avoid his little sister.

I looked around and saw most guys were now looking away. I relaxed a bit. I honestly hated being present for pig behavior. I turned back towards my boys and the sister. “Hi, Maya.”

She gave me a smile and hugged me once she reached me.

“When you get back to town?” I asked as she pulled away.

Maya was a big-shot singer now, so she didn’t often hang in this side of town anymore. She was in a girl group that was doing fairly well. Of course, it wasn’t such a surprise seeing her do well. I had grown up with her brothers and seen how talented she was from an early age.

“I’ve been here a good while,” she said simply. “Just haven’t had time to come say hi, sorry.”

“It’s all good.” I gave dab to my two boys. “What do I owe your lovely presence?”

“I got a favor,” she said with a sweet smile, cocking her head to the side.

I let out a laugh. She had always been direct. And a bit of a flirt.

“Shit, sis, at least butter him up first,” Sebastian muttered.

“Maya likes to be direct,” my other boy, Carlos, said. He, too, had grown up around Maya and knew her very well.

“Well, it’s not like I expect him to do it for free,” Maya responded.

“Nice. How much am I getting paid?” I asked, fully intrigued now.

“How about some concert tickets?” Maya had that flirtatious smile again.

“You got another concert coming?” I asked, confused because the last that I knew from her other brother was that she was working on a new album.

She shook her head. “Not mine. I got some friends that I’m helping put together a show. They’re really good. I think you’d have fun.”

“Is it my type of music?” I asked, skeptical.

“Just have an open mind.”

That didn’t sound promising.

Even her brother was rolling his eyes. “Just pay the man in cash.”

“Or get him tacos for the week,” suggested Carlos.

I nodded immediately. “I’ll take that offer.”

Maya looked ready to offer. “How about half a week of tacos, but also the tickets?”

“Wait, is that the favor you want: me going to some show?” I asked, confused.

“No, that’s not the favor.”

“Then what is it?”

She took a breath and looked ready to face a difficult task. “I know you haven’t taught anyone how to drive in a long time but could you—”

“Nope,” I immediately intercepted. I knew what she was gonna ask now.

“Just this once—”

“No.”

“What will I hurt—?”

“My soul.”

“Oh, come on. Teaching couldn’t have been that bad,” she argued.

She was very wrong about that. Because driving was like church for me, it was sacred. I was a driving instructor and almost like a coach for drag racers. At first, it had been a way of making easy money. However, I ended up with too many who didn’t have a love for the art and only did it for status and money. I quickly noticed it wasn’t good for my soul and had put a stop to teaching anyone how to handle a car.

“Have you ever taught someone how to drive?” I asked Maya.

“…no?”

“Then you don’t know how bad it was.”

Maya did a little stomp. “Just this once! C’mon.”

“Why me?”

“You’re the best one. I learned better when you taught me. The two teachers I had before you were a pain in the ass and did a shitty job.”

“Hey, I was one of those two,” Seb countered.

Maya dismissed him. “He’s a really nice guy and has never been on a track before. He has only a week here. It might be his only chance.”

“So this is about a boy?” I asked, suddenly understanding where the desperation was coming from. “Don’t you got a guy already?”

“Don’t remind me,” Seb muttered next to his sister. It was no secret he was never a fan of whoever Maya was dating.

“It’s not like that at all. He’s a friend,” Maya assured me.

I let out a groan.

“At least give him a drive around the track.”

“Ask Seb to do it,” I offered.

“Seb is the most impatient person in the world. And Victor is currently too busy. And while I may be good at it, I can’t teach it for shit.”

“Well, that’s too bad.” I turned around, wishing to be done with the conversation.

“Ok! How about just driving him around the track? Tacos for a whole week!” Maya was not letting up.

I never could say no to free tacos. “Just driving?”

“Just driving,” she agreed.

I let out a sigh. “I get off in an hour.”

Maya did a happy jump. “Cool. They’re not free until this afternoon.”

I was quick to hear that. “They?”

She waved her hand dismissively. “Oh, the rest of the guys are cowards, they don't want to participate. But some of them want to see the driving.” She pulled out a piece of paper that kind of looked like a flyer. "This is them."

I took it and looked at it. Staring back at me were 7 Asian dudes and information about when their show was going to be. I really wasn't believing Maya that she didn't have a crush on this guy—whichever one of these he was.

“You’ll like him. He’s amazing,” Maya said with a wide smile.

Feeling a smile come over me, I teased her. “He must be some looker.”

Sebastian shook his head. “Not her type at all. He’s kind of scrawny. Really upbeat.”

“A bit too happy, if you ask me,” added Carlos.

“He’s funny, though. Real cool,” Seb was quick to say.

“He’s a really nice guy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with coming off as happy,” Maya said while sending a look to Carlos.

Having known Maya as long as I had, seeing her be protective wasn’t something new. It was in her nature.

“Anyway, see you at 6? I’ll have the tacos ready,” Maya said with a smile.

After giving her a nod, the three of them took off.

And I went back to my engine.

******

There weren’t too many in the speedway when I arrived. It wasn’t too much of a surprise. It was the middle of the week and the sun still had a while before it went down. Most preferred the night feel because it made things more exciting.

I owned three vehicles. One for my normal daily use and two that I used for my pleasure, which I considered my babies. Both could handle different tracks and required different driving styles. I had brought one of those babies with me, the Camaro, which worked better on the speedway.

While waiting for them, I took a few laps, killing time. I hadn’t driven it in a good while. Mostly because I had been racing in the streets, where it was more exciting to take a drive on. The speedway was a bit more controlled and steady and predictable. The streets were raw and unpredictable. More challenging. It was the only time that I felt a sense of excitement.

After a handful of laps, I noticed Seb’s Nova and Maya’s Mustang arrive.

I noticed a few people come out of the cars. I figured one of them was the guy Maya wanted me to drive. I decided to indulge Maya’s friend and show off a little. I kicked the gear and went faster. Even with the distance between us, I was sure they could hear my engine rev up. Once I got close to them, I made the car break loose and drifted very close to them.

From my rearview mirror, I saw a thin figure close to Maya’s Mustang jump up a little and make some noise.

That must be him, I thought to myself. I quickly took a look at the other people present and noticed two shorter guys next to Scrawny. One of them was clutching Scrawny. They must be a couple, seeing how close they were to each other. Why else would two guys be so touchy with each other?

I felt a slight discomfort like I usually did whenever I met someone who was gay. I don’t know why I got this uneasy feeling. I didn’t mean to but I couldn’t help it. It had taken a good while for me to feel comfortable around Sebastian again when he came out many years ago. However, we had been friends for so long, which was why I deduced how I was able to feel casual around him.

Pushing away my negative thoughts, I made my way out of the car. “Hey,” I let out.

Seb, Maya, and three Asian guys stood in front of me. All were wearing sleeveless t-shirts, ripped jeans, and backward baseball caps. While one of them looked more natural and at ease, the other two—Scrawny and the one clutching his arm—looked a little out of place. Their wide-eyed look and open mouths didn’t quite fit their chill attire.

Maya turned to the guys and motioned toward me. “This is Zee, guys. Zee, meet the guys.”

The mellow guy gave a slight nod. “I’m Suga.”

The small guy clutching to Scrawny pulled himself upright and gave a smile, a long dimple appearing on his right cheek. “I’m Jimin,” he said while raising his hand as if he was in class. It was a bit comical, but I held back a laugh.

Finally, I turned towards Scrawny. “I’m J-Hope!” he said, and a bright and wide smile materialized almost out of nowhere.

Suddenly, I wasn’t seeing a scrawny-looking guy anymore. Instead, it felt like I was looking right into the sun. A feeling of warmth came over me…along with a stir somewhere deep within me. It was strange.

I didn’t know it then, probably because I didn’t want to admit it, but it was that smile that ultimately made me agree to give J-Hope as many driving lessons as he wanted. I think I would have agreed to almost anything he asked of me at that point.

*******

I - II - III - IV

Masterlist

NOTE: I'll be honest. I thought this was going to be easier than December. I was doing good. I was sad, of course, but I held it together. And then he posted on Live and I came undone.

I've been working on this story for over a month but nothing seemed to work. I wanted to "gift" Hobi something similar to what I did with Jin, but every story kept feeling forced. However, these last few days everything has been flooding out. The story is short and sweet.

Currently, they were walking through security in their apartment complex and it was a space they had deemed safe to display some affection. Their home and their company's private halls and rooms were locations they were free to act themselves. And this was only possible due to NDAs being signed by security and staff at both locations. The community they lived in catered to the powerful and wealthy in South Korea, meaning they were guaranteed full privacy.

Namjoon had chosen this community a while ago for this precise reason: guaranteed privacy. So when Maya needed to find another apartment, he made sure to point this detail out to her. It didn't take long for Maya to agree. If the public were to find out an idol as big as RM was dating Maya, who was a well-known American artist, their company, Big Hit, would surely have a field day at its hands. Things would be chaotic.

The possibility of the public finding out about them was scary to imagine, so Maya forced herself to not think of it. She reminded herself of the little chance of their secret leaking. If someone spilled, they would then spend the rest of their days behind bars. Maya's new record label, which was also Namjoon's, had the funds to hire the best lawyers in the country and as part of Maya and Namjoon's contracts, their privacy was something the label would protect at all costs.

As Maya tried to settle herself down, Namjoon felt her uneasiness. Even though she had made great strides, Namjoon knew that it was a work in progress for her. There would always be moments her anxiety would try to beat the best of her.

He turned to her and noticed the change in her breathing. She was calming herself down.

He knew she felt his stare and turned towards him.

The moment her rich, maple eyes met his, he could feel her body fully relax. He sent her a soft smile. Her body then gravitated to his. Her head pressed against his shoulder as her other hand clutched his forearm. He could almost see her anxiety be swallowed down. That's my girl, he thought to himself. Maya was full of fight; her anxiety might win some battles, but his girl would always win the fucking war. He leaned over and pressed his lips on her head, feeling himself falling more in love with her.

The couple finally arrived at Namjoon's front door. He opened it and allowed her to enter first. They left their shoes at the entrance and walked down the halls to get to the living room.

Namjoon helped Maya take off her jacket.

It was late January and the weather was still pretty cold, would be for another few weeks.

"Want me to put your stuff in the room?" he asked as he motioned to the suitcase and bag on the floor. She had brought them in earlier in the day.

With her family in town and taking over her apartment, Namjoon had suggested she stay at his place for the time being.

She nodded. "Want some of the wine I brought earlier?"

"So I can get drunk and you can take advantage of me?" he teased, sending her one of his dimpled smiles he knew drove her crazy. He took her stuff and sent her a wink.

"You're lucky you're cute," she said, sending him a mocking glare then walked into his kitchen to find some glasses.

Just like during their first try at a relationship, Maya had given Namjoon control over when they were ready to take their physical relationship to the next level. She wanted him to be fully comfortable once they decided to have sex again. The only thing she asked was for him to be completely honest and sure. While he didn't believe in regrets, there was such a thing as learning from past experiences. He never regrated having sex with Maya but did think that they might have started things too quickly.

During their breakup, in the heat of anger, Namjoon had told Maya they shouldn't have had sex so soon but he hadn't fully meant it. Since they got back together, they talked about it at length. He wanted to be physically intimate again, but he wanted to make sure their heads and emotions were in the right place before they did so. He wanted their relationship to be more solid before they took that step. Also, he wanted to wait for the perfect moment.

And tonight felt right. Everything had been perfect. His parents and Maya's aunt and uncle, who she loved like parents, had a lovely dinner together. They all got along splendidly. There had been a lot of laughs and warmth as the six shared food with one another. This had been what Namjoon wanted: a full closeness with her. And he felt the way to do so would be to further bond with her surrogate parents and for her to get closer to his.

They had been working on strengthening their relationship—being more open with each other and expanding their communication. Emotionally, they had become incredibly intimate. Maya had been the one who struggled with vulnerability, which had been the reason for their breakup less than two months ago. However, after restarting therapy, she started to heal old wounds and was able to allow Namjoon in.

Namjoon was now seeing a completely different side of Maya. Every time she was honest with him, every secret she revealed to him, every concern she voiced made him want to fall to his knees and worship her. And because his emotions were getting more intense with her, it was more difficult to control his body around hers.

And after the perfect night they had, there was only one way to end it.

After placing Maya's stuff on the left side of his room—which was the side she took—he walked back to the living room and noticed two full glasses waiting on the counter.

He raised his eyebrows at her in mock surprise. "That's a lot of wine, no?"

"You have a high alcohol tolerance," she commented. "Don't pretend you don't."

"I'm worried about you," he said, reaching for a glass.

"The Latina blood runs powerful in these veins, baby." She took the other glass.

He let out a chuckle and raised his glass to her.

She tapped his glass with her own.

As they drank the wine, Namjoon took notice of a slight shiver coming off her. He turned to her arms and noticed the goosebumps.

Full concern took over. "Babe, you're freezing." He turned towards the thermostat.

"No." She said quickly, taking hold of his arm. "It's ok."

"It's not ok. Look at you." He reached over and rubbed her arms. Sure enough, she was cold to the touch. He knew he ran on hot, so she always felt cold to him.

"I'll put on a sweater," she whined as she kept him from moving away.

"But you'll be cold tonight. You know it takes a while for the ondol to heat the place."

A small look of sadness appeared on her face. "But then you'll be hot."

"I'll sleep without covers," he said simply, pulling away and walking to the thermostat.

But it wasn't that simple. Maya knew that if he got too hot, he would be too uncomfortable to fall asleep...and wouldn't sleep close to her.

And there lay the real reason and issue. There was a secret Maya was keeping from Namjoon. Something she had discovered long ago but had been too embarrassed to admit. However, Dr. Rob's voice made its way to her head.

"Any time you feel something but hesitate to voice it to Namjoon, I want you to take a step back and ask yourself what is preventing you from sharing that emotion with him. Is it due to legit concern or could it be the fear of rejection that's keeping you from opening yourself to him? If it's the latter, take a breath, and voice it to him. However little it might be."

She took a breath and ripped the bandage. "I sleep better when you're holding me."

Namjoon was in the middle of fidgeting with the thermostat and stopped abruptly when she spoke. He turned to her, giving her his full attention.

Taking another breath, Maya further explained. "You know it's difficult for me to fall asleep. Since I was a kid. Unless I'm physically and mentally exhausted, it can take me an hour to do so. I have to either drink a lot of chamomile or take melatonin drops and I have a weighted blanket that helps, too. But when I'm sleeping with you...." She let the words hang there. A blush made its way through her neck and face.

She felt so vulnerable, revealing such an intimate thought was incredibly difficult. There was no way Namjoon was going to make fun of her, but past experiences still dictated her emotions.

Namjoon wasn't saying anything, though. He was being completely quiet and patient. He knew her well and knew where she was getting at. But it was important for her to say the words out loud, on her own. So, he waited.

Maya forced herself to look back up and continued. "I noticed I don't need any of those things when I sleep next to you. I always get cold at night, but your body keeps me warm. When you hold me, it feels like a weighted blanket." She could have ended it there but she wanted to share everything with him. "Dr. Rob mentioned years ago that my inability to fall asleep might be due to past trauma. Nights at my house were...." The memories would lead Maya to a bad place. She wanted to tell Namjoon about those stories, but not right now. She needed to focus on one subject at a time. "Not so good. I never felt safe falling asleep. It continued throughout my adulthood. Dr. Rob recommended sleep therapy, but because of the pandemic, I never went. So, I continued with my methods. But after a while of us sleeping together, I noticed it. With you, I'm able to relax. There's no danger." Her voice was trembling; her body slightly shaking. She was about to share the key part of my secret. Vulnerable information. "You make me feel safe."

There were so many tears coming down. Despite her clothes, Maya felt naked.

Suddenly, those warm arms that protected her at night were surrounding her. "Thank you for sharing with me."

She snuggled closer, bathing in his heat. She let out a laugh, trying to lighten the mood. "My emotions are all over the place with you. My body feels safe with you at night, but my heart kept you away," she said, referring to what caused their breakup about two months ago.

He squeezed her. "Emotions are complicated. Just got to navigate through them."

After a while, she finally pulled away and thanked him. "It was a good day. Long, but good. My mood has been on quite a high. I signed a new contract I'm very satisfied with, we had a nice dinner with our families." She took a step back and ogled at the outfit he had on—just like she had done countless times throughout the day. "You wore my favorite suit. It was a great day."

He smiled at her, seeing the happy tears in her eyes. "It was a perfect day." His hands came to her shoulder and he pulled her closer. "It's good if we just relax for the rest of the night."

She took the lips he offered her and nodded. "I agree."

"How about we get you a bath?" His voice was gentle but his eyes were full of fire as his large hands smoothed down her sides.

Maya was pretty sure what he meant by this. "Will you be joining me in that bath?"

"Only if you want me to," he said with complete sincerity, his hands exploring her back.

"Of course I do. But will it be only a bath we take? Or will there be more?" Maya asked, giving him a coy smile.

He bit his lip in a way that drove her crazy. "Only if you behave."

The words and tone went straight to Maya's pussy, making it quiver.

Namjoon didn't have a daddy kink, and neither did Maya; however, she quickly discovered on their first night together that she did have a good girl kink. He came to swiftly enjoy the kink himself, loving how her body responded to it.

"I've been wanting to give you a bath for so long," he said, bending down so his lips hovered just above her shoulder blade. "You've been so good—I want to reward you."

Maya's pussy clenched and whimpered, turning very wet very quickly.

He noticed her shiver and couldn't help but give a sinister smile. He moved her collar down so his lips could leave butterfly kisses on her skin.

She let out a high gasp. "Namjoon." Her fingers gripped at his jacket.

"Hmmm," he murmured as he explored her exposed neck, his fingers coming to her upper back so he could fiddle with the buttons. She had on a semi-conservative dress, one that she normally never wore but had done so since they had gone out with their parents. While he preferred clothes that showed off her shoulders and curves, she looked damn good in anything she had on. Right now, though, he preferred she was wearing nothing.

"Are you sure?" she made herself ask. She hated to ask but knew she should.

He made his way to her earlobe. "Yes." His tongue tasted her pulse. When he felt her moan, he took her skin in between his teeth and bit a little. "I want to make love to you." His mouth went lower, skimming down her neck.

Another shiver went through her but then she immediately went still.

He pulled away and looked down into her rich, maple eyes. They were a little wide as she processed what he had just said. But then there was a slight look of humor in her eyes and the corner of her lips turned up the tiniest bit. He knew her facial expressions so well. He smiled, knowing how the phrase might have come out. "That came out corny—"

She giggled. "No. I mean, yes it kind of did, but I definitely didn't take it that way at first."

"Then what's so funny?" He asked not helping a chuckle from coming out.

She held back another giggle. "You totally made me swoon," she said as a light blush appeared on her cheeks. "And it was corny. If any other guy would have said that I would have walked right out the door. How the hell do you do that?"

"Do what?" He was pretty sure he knew what she meant, but his ego wanted to hear it.

"You know what." Her blush was coming back.

"I want to hear you say it," he admitted, pulling her back because she was backing away.

She let out a sigh and let him pull her back. "You have this way with words. And so many times the things you say are so simple, but you still manage to make me turn to mush." She stared up at him with an incredulous look. "'Make love'??? No one can make that sound good. Not unless you have Kim Namjoon's deep, timbre voice of course. A voice so goddamn low, it can soak any woman's panties."

It was his turn to blush. "Thanks?"

She smacked him, playfully, still looking a little shy. "We haven't done this in a while. You have to take it easy on me."

He let out a low chuckle as he dipped down, his mouth claiming hers in a soft kiss. "I'll take it nice and slow."

She felt the twelfth shudder at the last minute come over her body.

His lips pecked the tip of her nose. "How about you get ready? Bring the wine glasses with you. I'll start the bath." He didn't give her time to respond. He pulled away, squeezed her ass, and headed to his room.

Maya stood there, frozen for a moment. She smacked her face, snapping herself out of it. Walking into Namjoon's room, she took her luggage and took out her robe and fresh underwear. She didn't bring any sleepwear since Namjoon liked her in his clothes. She poked her head into the hall that lead to the bath, making sure she had full privacy as she undressed and put on her robe. Stuffing her clean underwear into one of the robe pockets, she went back to the kitchen to retrieve the wine glasses.

When she returned to the room, she noticed Namjoon standing over her things. "Where's your bath stuff?"

She handed the wine to him as she took out the items she used when she bathed. Before she could make her way to the bathroom, Namjoon blocked her. He placed the wine on his desk and took the items.

"I'll take care of it. Give me a few minutes," he said and disappeared to the end of the hall.

Maya tried not to laugh at his cuteness. As he prepared the bath, she organized the side of the bed she usually took up when she slept over at Namjoon's. She didn't miss how some of her old items were still there. Despite them having broken up for a month, he had left everything of hers where it was. Her heart fluttered at this.

"Ready babe," came Namjoon's voice.

She turned to the hall and just about let out a loud moan. The Adonis-like man she called her boyfriend was standing in nothing but a pair of boxers, his hands clutched together, covering his flat stomach.

Namjoon didn't have a model-like body but he worked out plenty. He had lost a lot of weight during their breakup, but he had gone back to the gym. His thick, muscled arms and broad chest gave evidence of that. And those thick-ass thighs showed off the fact that he cycled often.

"Stop ogling or your bath is gonna get cold," he chided, his face looking a little shy.

She walked over to him, giving him a flirtatious smile. “Kind of hard not to, handsome.” When she got to him, her hands reached out to his chest and gave both sets of his boobs a squeeze. They were so firm.

"Stop," he said, moving his body away.

She laughed and began to walk towards the bathroom.

He smacked her ass as she passed him. The robe was thin enough that she felt the intensity of it. "Hey!" She covered her ass as she sent him a glare.

"You don't like it, do you?"

"I didn't smack you. Plus, you grabbed my ass earlier."

The couple came to the bathtub and Maya just about came down to her knees. This man had lit several candles, added bubbles to the bath, and there was some soft music playing from the speaker on the sink.

Namjoon came behind her, his arms wrapping around her middle. He brought his lips next to her ear. "I'm the one who does the smacking in this relationship," he let out in a low whisper.

This time, Maya almost did come to her knees. She held tight to his forearms. "Damn you," she hissed at him when he caught her and let out a laugh.

"Let's get you inside, baby. It's full of your favorite bath salts," he explained and moved them closer to the tub. His fingers came to her belt and started to undo it.

She leaned back into his big, tall frame, loving how sturdy he felt.

His fingers came up to her neck. He began to push down the only piece of cloth that was covering her. As he pulled it down her shoulders, his lips traced her exposed skin. He was teasing her by how long he took to take off a simple robe off her. That was definitely what she thought he was doing, but in reality, Namjoon wanted to take his time. He wanted to marvel and soak in little bits of the beauty that was Maya. He hadn't seen her naked in months and he wanted to ease into it. That was the whole reason for the bath—to ease into each other again.

When her robe finally fell to their feet, Namjoon's eyes roamed over her gorgeous bust. Nipples so pretty and pointy, clearly aroused. Clearly inviting. His fingers moved forward, tracing patterns on the sides of her heavy breasts. He wanted nothing more than to bury his face in them. But he kept himself controlled. He had all night.

"Inside you go," he said to her, his hand coming to her lower back and giving her a slight push.

Maya shook her head, trying to make herself alert. She was about to take a step into the tub but felt Namjoon's hand take hold of hers. The hand he had on her waist steadied her. She understood what he was doing. Using him as support, Maya got into the tub, loving the way how hot the water felt. She was a fan of hot showers and baths; Namjoon of course knew this. He didn't enjoy the hot showers but had mentioned in the past that hot baths he could tolerate since they felt like a jacuzzi.

She let out a satisfying moan in the water as she felt Namjoon stepping in. She opened her eyes, internally cursing at herself. She was about to miss his naked glory!

However, she was quickly disappointed. "You're not taking them off?" she pouted as her eyes became level with his boxers instead of his naked cock.

Holding onto both ends of the tub, Namjoon let out a smile. "Not yet."

He almost laughed at her huff but held back. It would only irritate her. And he wanted her to fully enjoy this.

"No fair you get to see me naked—that's sexist."

He rolled his eyes and took the cup he had set aside. "I can't see anything at the moment, now can I?" he asked as he motioned to the bubbles. "Head back, please."

Another huff came out of her but she complied. She rested her head on his chest as he wet her hair, making sure he didn't get her face.

"I should have taken off my makeup," she said, helping him keep the water off her face.

"Your facial products are there. How about you handle your face and I handle your hair?" he suggested as he motioned to a spot that contained her cleaning products.

She did as he suggested. Namjoon focused on her hair as she used wipes to clean her face. She could do a full facial cleaning in the morning. She wanted to enjoy the pampering.

Namjoon was good with his fingers as he worked the product into her scalp.

"That feels amazing," she moaned as she fell into his chest.

"Good," he whispered. He took the cup again to rinse her hair, his fingers still massaging her. Once satisfied with his work, he took her bar soap and washcloth.

Maya's eyes were fully closed and lost to her surroundings, which was why her body jerked at the feel of Namjoon's hands taking hold of her breasts. She looked down and quickly noticed what he was doing. "Warn a girl next time."

He let out a low chuckle. "Just relax, girl. I got you." One of his hands contained the washcloth and was cleaning one of her breasts, while his other hand simply held onto its twin. He was gentle, once again, ensuring he took his time cleaning every inch of her. He took both of her nipples in his fingers and rolled them softly.

Maya twisted on top of him, rubbing against his groin. Her hands went behind her and she took him into her hands.

He pulled away. "It's not about me tonight, babe. Tonight's all about you," he said, his hand squeezing a breast and his fingers giving her nipple a light pinch. "Just enjoy it."

"I want you to enjoy it, too," she said, feeling her skin melting into his.

"I am." He placed light kisses on her neck. "Really."

She turned her face to look up at his. "You're not just saying that?"

He gave her a small smile. "When it comes to loving you, I'll always be fully honest with you. Promise." He pressed his nose against hers.

Her hand went to capture his neck, pulling him back to her so she could kiss him. "When you say things like that I don't feel I deserve you. You're too good."

He pushed her back so they could look into each other's eyes. "You deserve the world."

A single tear came down as stared up at him. "You are my world." She reached up to his lips once again.

The kiss was slow and steady at first. His tongue grazed her bottom lip. She let out a moan and opened her mouth, allowing him more access to her. His tongue danced with hers for a while, both of their arousals heating up. His hands went down her stomach, rubbing and cleaning her sides with slow tenderness. He got to her thighs and went at a turtle's pace, fingers moving an inch at a time. His fingers gradually made their way toward her middle.

She sucked in a breath of air once his fingers reached her center. He hadn't touched her clit or lips yet, but the fact that he was closer than before drove her wild. "Namjoon."

"Tell me," he whispered into her ear, his fingers tracing small patterns just millimeters from her clit. His fingers pressed a little harder, loving how her moan turned deeper.

"I need your fingers," she breathed out, her ass grinding onto his cock. "On my pussy."

"That's a good girl, using your words," he said as his fingers moved to where she wanted.

Her fingers dug into his thighs as she felt his fingertips finally touch her throbbing clit.

His lips came to her neck, nipping and biting her slightly. He took in her moans and increased his speed, feeling her clit pulse and grow hot. The moment her breath pitched and her back arched, he slowed down. He took her button in between two fingers and lightly pinched it.

A small sob came out of her lips when he continued to go at a snail's pace. The buildup within her was getting restless. She needed release. "Baby, pleeeease."

Her sounds made his dick hard. "What?" he asked innocently as if he wasn't aware of the chaos he was stirring inside her. "My fingers are on your pussy."

She dug her nails into his upper thighs, making him inhale sharply. "Inside me."

"All you had to do was ask," he said then his fingers further down. Once they reached her opening, he felt her relax a little.

He pressed his middle finger into her inner lips, moving it up and down, exciting her. His pace was steady and firm. After a few strokes, he then moved into her opening. Then, ever so gently, his fingertip went inside of her.

They let out a moan in unison, each loving the feeling for different reasons.

Namjoon could feel Maya's walls pulse around his finger as they swallowed it in. Maya's restlessness tamed at his touch.

His finger moved in and out of her, loving the way it made her ass rub harder against him. He was sure if she kept it up, he was going to cum in his boxers. However, he pressed down his orgasm and focused on bringing her to full satisfaction. She had taken enough teasing from him. She deserved a bit of release.

Using another finger, he inserted it inside her and picked up the pace. He went a little harder on her, knowing how quickly she came undone when he did so.

Having two fingers stimulating her caused Maya's toes to curl. Her climax was just a breath away. She could feel it. She could taste it.

Namjoon's strokes became a little rougher and harder. His other fingers pressed onto her clit and rubbed at a fast and hard pace.

Maya's legs began to quiver at his touch. "So close."

His fingers curled in, grazing at a special spot inside her. His fingers went further in, the tips pressing against that spongy sack. "Come on, baby. Be a good girl. Cum for me."

Her entire body jerked and exploded above his as she finally reached her climax. Her heart raced; her skin caught on fire. God, she almost forgot how good this felt.

While her toys and her fingers had kept her satisfied the last couple of months, nothing compared to when Namjoon brought her to fruition. When she self-pleasured herself, it was all about physical hunger and an itch she needed to scratch. With Namjoon...it was always more than that. It was always physical, of course, but the emotional element she brought out of her added an extra layer of bliss.

It took a couple of minutes for Maya's body to calm down and for her breaths to become steady. All the while, Namjoon's hands caressed her, helping bring her down to earth.

Once settled, she cuddled against him, rubbing her head to his neck.

"Have you come back to me?" he asked, his hand making circles on her stomach.

She gave a simple nod. "I think it's time for us to get to bed." She turned her neck and pecked his chest.

"Yeah?"

Another nod.

He pressed her back a little, signaling her to move forward.

She obeyed with a pout. He made his way out of the tub and she was quick to notice the tent on his boxers. She really needed to fix that once they got to bed.

He dried himself quickly and then offered her his hand. Taking it, she got to her feet and held onto both his hands as she climbed out. She didn't miss how he stared at her naked frame for a good, long moment before he wrapped a towel around her soaking skin.

Taking his time, he dried her hair, his eyes mostly on her tits and pussy than where he was drying. She didn't mind. Her eyes were feeding on his own titties and arms. He had wrapped the towel around his damn middle so she couldn't drool over his tent.

After drying her skin, he took her robe off the floor and tied it around her.

She turned to the side and noticed the wine. "We forgot about that."

He took the glasses and offered her one. "One last sip, so they don't go completely to waste."

"It lost its fizzle," she argued.

"Just one sip," he urged.

She rolled her eyes. Of course, he wouldn't want to waste an expensive product. She gave in and took a good, long sip. She knew if she didn't, he would only have her drink more.

He took one more sip himself, making a face as he gulped.

Maya laughed. "Told you."

He set the glasses back down. "I'll clean all this up tomorrow. Promise."

Maya knew he said it because he knew she had a bit of a cleaning problem. It's not like she had OCD, but messiness did bother her a little.

He offered her his arm to take. She did so and forgot about the mess they were walking out of. Together they made their way down the hall and to his bed.

Once they arrived at the foot of the bed, Maya turned towards Namjoon and tugged at the towel around his waist. "Your turn," she said with a coy smile.

He smiled back at her but took her hands in his. "Maybe another night. I told you; tonight is all about you. I meant it."

"But I like giving you attention. If this is about me, then shouldn't you give in to my wants?" She sulked.

He chuckled. "Tonight being about you has nothing to do with giving into your demands. Even if you do look super cute pouting."

Maya narrowed her eyes at him. "Don't call me—"

He shut her up with a heated kiss. His fingers threaded into her hair as he pulled her roughly against his body.

Maya forgot about what she was arguing about. His lips worked magic and made her forget everything else.

His fingers came between them and untied her robe. The cloth was on the floor in under two seconds. All that foreplay in the tub was making him want to be inside her. Soon.

It was only after she was fully naked that she was then allowed to tug at his towel and push down his boxers. She might not be able to go down on him tonight, but she was grateful that she could at least touch his thick member.

Her hands took full advantage, wrapping around him and squeezing him.

The action caused him to pull his lips from hers to let out a hiss.

She took the opportunity to bend her head and look down at his throbbing member.

God, he was fucking gorgeous. He was so thick and hard and had a nice girth. Using her tongue and mouth, she gathered a good amount of spit and aimed. The liquid fell off her mouth and landed at the base of his cock. She heard him let out another hiss once it made contact with his skin. Using her spit as lube, she moved her hands up and down his length, taking pleasure in hearing his sounds.

She took the head of his cock and twisted her wrist during her movements. Her thumb pressed onto his piss slit. Her other hand reached beneath him and took hold of one of his balls.

"Shit," he hissed. He couldn't contain himself anymore. It had been a mistake to let her touch him. Just as he knew her body well, she knew his.

He took hold of her curvy waist and lifted her easily.

A squeak escaped her.

He dropped her down on his bed. She read him well and went further up the bed. Once she was settled at the head and lying on the pillows, Namjoon simply stared at her.

"Shit, baby. You're beautiful," he said as his eyes tried to take in all of her.

Her eyes dropped to his member, standing fully erect and pointing right at her. It looked furious, needing a pussy to settle inside of. Her pussy only got wetter at the anticipation. "You're one to talk." She reached for him. "Come here."

His knees came to the bed and he crawled over to her, his body moving above hers. "I wanted to take this slow. But you're making it difficult."

She bit his lip, loving how he hovered above her. "Sorry."

He shook his head. "Not being a really good girl."

A loud moan came out from her lips.

Using his legs, he maneuvered her, making her spread her legs wide open. "Bad girls get bad treatment, did you know that?" His hand boldly pressed through her lower lips then came down with a light smack.

Maya almost came for the second time right at that moment. "Fuck!" Her hips twisted underneath him; her hands reached up to take hold of his forearms to keep steady.

He did it one more time, loving seeing her come apart.

She dug her fingernails into his skin, letting out a hiss.

He took hold of her thighs and pushed her legs straight up. Using one hand to hold her that way, he took his cock in his other hand and pressed the head of his cock onto her opening. "You on the pill, baby?"

She mewled. "Mmm-hmmm."

Both had a breeding kink. He knew once he put his dick inside her, it was going to be difficult cuming anywhere else other than her pussy.

He stroked his member against her pussy lips a few times, wanting her wetter. He was fairly big and they hadn't been sexually active for so long. He wanted this to be as easy for her as possible, which meant she needed to be as much around as possible.

Placing his cock head on her clit, he used two fingers to stretch her. Her walls welcomed him, squeezing his fingers. He pushed knuckle-deep, easily due to her arousal. He pulled back and came back inside her with a third finger.

"Yeeeesss," she moaned, moving her hips. She didn't have control over her legs since he was still holding them straight up, so it was the only thing she could do.

After several rubs, he pulled his digits out and placed the head of his cock onto her entrance. Her hole easily took him in. He felt her squeeze around him. "Easy, baby."

"Want you in," she moaned.

He pushed in a little further and her cunt suckled everything he gave. "Shit, you feel better than I remember," he let out as he pulled out slowly.

A whimper escaped her top lips. "Want you fully in," she nearly begged as she wiggled her hips. Hated that he had control over her legs. She wanted to wrap them around his waist and push him further in. Bring all of his long inches inside of her.

"We got time, baby. Just enjoy it." With the same slow rhythm, he moved back into her.

He continued at this pace for far too long, tipping her near the edge but not allowing her to fully fall. The slow strokes allowed the lube he needed to go balls-deep but also made the knot in her stomach go insane.

Maya felt insanely stretched. Even though she had been playing with herself lately with a dildo almost as big as Namjoon's cock, nothing could have prepped her for the real thing. There was something about Namjoon's cock that hit every sensitive area in her. It was long enough to pound a sweet spot deep inside, but not long enough that made the experience more uncomfortable than pleasurable. Its girth was thick enough to stretch her in sweet ecstasy, but not too much for it to be considered painful. And that thick vein along the underside of his length rubbed her walls just right. He really had a Goldie Locks kind of cock that complimented her pussy just right.

He popped his dick inside and pulled out almost immediately. Then, ever so slowly, he would press back inside her, only to pull out until just the head was inside her. He waited a few moments and pressed into her in a rough stroke. He pulled back out slowly once again and came back in with the same excruciating pace.

"Goddddd," she whined.

He moved her legs to her side, his cock hitting another sweet spot. "Ready to cum, baby?" His hips pushed forward, hard and rough, igniting a gasp out of her. He smiled.

"Yes," she moaned out. "Please." She reached forward and took ahold of his forearms. She had better control of her hips now, so she twisted them with desperation. "I need you."

He finally quickened his thrusts, loving the feel of her wetness and tightness around him. "You feel so fucking good, baby."

His movements were now causing squishing sounds to come out of their joined organs. She felt a gush of wetness coming out of her at hearing this. "Oh my god."

As he went faster, her boobs began to move. They looked so fucking appetizing. He bent forward and took one of her breasts into his mouth, sucking on her nipple.

Reaching out, she scratched at his chest. Her mouth opened to let out another sound, but she found her voice got stuck in her throat. He was hitting a spot that felt so damn good, it was causing her to go voiceless.

Seeing her mouth so wide open, he caught drool coming out of the corner of her mouth. Fuck, that was hot. He pulled his lips from her tit and sat straight up again, taking hold of her thigh and using it as leverage to pump faster into her. He could feel his balls tighten. He was close. But he wanted more time.

He moved her legs again. He spread them wide on either side of him but wrapped his hands on the front of her thighs to keep her from wrapping around him. He used this new angle to grip her and pull her towards him harder.

This new angle allowed him to have a great view of her bouncing breasts and face that was full of ecstasy.

Bucking her hips vigorously, she felt herself getting to the edge. "Almost."

He let go of one of her legs, moving his fingers to her clit. His fingers moved at the same vigorous pace as his hips. "Come on, baby."

Her eyes rolled back as her spine arched against his body. His cock was hitting such a honied area and his fingers were working beautiful magic on her. She was on the very tip, ready to erupt around him. His voice and words duplicated the amount of energy she was about to send out.

He bent at the waist, his rhythm never changed, and whispered ever so deep, "Be my good girl. Give me one more."

Her entire world came apart. Light no longer existed, touch and feel had ceased to exist.

Feeling her walls tighten around him, her body quiver underneath him, and hearing her let out a strong wail was all he needed. He pressed forward one last time and felt himself spill inside her. His body too shook from the intensity.

She let out a moan at the feel of his seed. Her arms wrapped around him, inviting his full weight on her.

He stayed like that, on top of her, forgetting how much he weighed. She just felt so nice underneath him. Her softness felt like a pillow.

It took a couple of minutes for him to realize he was probably crushing her. He immediately pushed off. "Sorry, babe."

She let out a small whine. "Mmm. You felt nice." A shiver came over her body at being separated from his warmth.

He noticed her coldness and pulled her to his chest, warming her.

She let out a sigh and snuggled. "So that's what making love is?" she asked, a little chuckle coming out.

He smiled at her teasing and kissed her forehead. "Did you enjoy it?"

She nodded. After several moments of silence, she spoke again. "You won't put on the ondol tonight?" There was a hint of concern in her tone.

"Well, it is winter. If I leave it off, we'll freeze to death," he teased. "But I'll keep it low. I promise."

Her next words were just above a whisper. He was certain she was falling asleep. "I just don't want it to be too warm. If I'm too warm, my body won't need you to keep warm. And I want to need you."

Other than when she told him she loved him, no other words she had said had moved him like this. He bent down and took her mouth into his.

Even as she was half asleep, she still felt the passion. They'd had plenty of intense, hot kisses. But this one reminded her of that first one they shared when they got back together. It was beyond passion. Beyond longing. It was full of love.

He pulled away slowly. "I want you to need me, too."

She smiled at him, her eyes heavy and closing.

He kissed her shut eyelids, marveling at her beauty. "Mai?"

"Mmmmm," she barely let out.

"I love you," he said with his full heart.

"I love you," she breathed out, her voice full of contentment. He swore that if she was a cat, she'd be purring.

----------------------

It sucked having to quarantine in a home that wasn’t mine. However, I was grateful to Jimin for lending me his house for the time being. My apartment wasn’t ready, so Jimin had been my only hope. He wasn’t scheduled to get back to town for a couple more weeks. I have no idea where I would be crashing after that, but that was something I could worry about later.

Right now, I only had the energy to stress about money. And food.

I had finished almost everything edible in Jimin’s kitchen. I was running out of resources and needed the damn banks to allow me access to my accounts. Of course, they wanted me to be there in person, but it was difficult to do so in the middle of a mandatory 10-day quarantine. After landing in Seoul, which by some miracle no one leaked to the media, I came straight to Jimin’s house, tested, and was told to stay until I was cleared.

Asking for favors was not easy for me and I had asked enough of Jimin already. Messaging him about needing him to use his own funds to get me food had been embarrassing. He said he would have things delivered to me by the morning. I would just have to hold tight for the night.

My stress was causing great strain and the only thing I could think to calm myself was to set my phone down and do something else. I read a book, listened to music, and finally decided to take a long bath. I had kept my phone away on purpose.

And that had been a bad idea.

Had I kept my phone next to me, I would have gotten a heads-up from Jimin.

But I hadn’t. And now I was staring at a perfectly chiseled Adonis, at a loss for words.

This had not been part of the plan.

His splendor made me stop in my tracks as I exited Jimin’s room after showering. My eyes took in his face. His leveled, smoothed nose, his heavy-lidded eyes, and round, luscious lips couldn’t look more perfect. His jaw was set, his eyes round in an almost-wondered look.

The sudden realization that I hadn’t seen him in a month was physically catching up to me. My legs wanted to run to him. My arms wanted to wrap themselves around his shoulders. My lips wanted to claim his. My soul had missed him, but so had my body. And it was needing to make contact. It was craving him.

“What are you doing here?” he suddenly asked, his eyes glaring at me now.

I had never seen his face switch so quickly. One moment he looked too stunned to speak and the next he was looking at me like some bug he wanted to squash.

But rather than react sadly to hearing his tone, my body seemed to melt. My ears had also missed the deep timbre of his voice. Even if it had some venom in it.

“You were just gonna come back to town and not even call?” Namjoon demanded. His words began to make snap me out of my hypnotism. “You’ve ignored all my messages, so it shouldn’t surprise me you want to physically avoid me.”

My brain caught up and my body finally caught up. My mouth opened to speak, but I was silenced before I could even start.

Namjoon continued with his anger. Continued voicing his hurt. “Do you have any idea how shitty that feels? I calledyou, messaged you. I fucking sounded like a goddamn dog begging for forgiveness. And you couldn’t even bother giving me a response? You contacted Jimin right away but not me? Am I unworthy?”

His thinking or saying that he was unworthy of anything ripped something inside. I finally spoke. “I wanted to wait until my quarantine was over. I’m stuck here for 10 days. If I were to have called you, I would have immediately wanted to see you—and I can’t. There’s a mandate.”

He shakes his head. His eyes are looking at me, but he doesn’t see me. It’s like he’s looking at a stranger who’s feeding him lies.

“Ask my Tia Jia,” I said desperately, needing him to believe me. “My quarantine is up in a few days. After, I was going to call you so we could meet.”

“She’ll lie for you,” he accused.

“Then ask Yoongi. I told him I was going to call you first thing after I got the green light.”

He snickered, the glare in his eyes still there. “Of course, you still communicate with Yoongi. You tell me him more than you tell me.”

He was so full of anger that he wasn’t seeing things clearly. He was putting up walls. It was a defense mechanism, I knew it. I needed to keep my calm, make him see. “No one knows me the way you know me, Namjoon,” I said gently, hoping he recognized this was true.

My calmness wasn’t having the effect I wanted to have on him. He didn’t want me calm. But he wanted me to meet his energy.

“Except those other guys who slid inside you like I did that night. They know you like I know you,” he said without thinking, going for the jugular. Needing me hurt the way he was hurting.

His eyes went wide with horror as soon as the words left his mouth. Instant regret.

But the words couldn’t be sucked back in. They were in the air, shooting straight at me like daggers. And they hurt me exactly the way he intended.

I took in a sharp breath, feeling the blades cut right through my skin and hit my chest.

I turned away, feeling the tears sting my eyes. My body reacted like it always did at being wounded, it recoiled. My feet took some towards Jimin’s room. I couldn’t lose it in front of him.

But he was faster. His body blocked me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I—I’m a fucking idiot.” His voice was strained. “Maya, I am so sorry. I don’t know why I said it. I was wrong.”

My feet moved back, keeping my body safe from his.

“I am so sorry. I’m a fucking prick.” He went down to his knees, his face twisted in remorse. He got on the ground, bowing down and pleading. “Please.”

Hot tears came streaming down as I spoke. “I wasn’t with you for the sex. No one knows me like you—emotionally. No one makes me feel the way you do. I felt safe around you, but then…when you said that—” A sob came out as I remembered.

Walking down the halls barefoot with only my skirt and top.

Tears had smeared off my makeup. I looked like a goddamn wreck. My shoes and undergarments had been left behind. Security both gawked at me and looked away in shame.

Humiliation of a slut.

“I’m sorry; I’m sorry,” he repeated, his head bowing as low as it could.

I took breaths to get ahold of myself. “This is why it’s difficult to let someone in. Because when I do, they have ammunition to use against me. They know what to say, what information to use to belittle me.” It felt so foreign to be this honest with him; it was uncomfortable. But I forced myself to feel the discomfort. “No one’s ever known me the way you have. Every time I’m with you, you reveal some knowledge you have of me that no one has ever noticed about it. It makes me feel so naked. I hated it.”

His head remained on the ground, his body slightly shaking from his own sobs.

Unlike seeing my mother in a state of disarray, I’m fully moved by seeing Namjoon like this. Seeing his regret made me want to immediately give in and forgive him.

But I shouldn’t. I needed to be smart about all of this. It was not ok what he had said to me. Both times.

“Why did you say it?” I demanded.

“I don’t know," he answered with his head still down.

No, I wasn't going to accept that. “You must know. As you said, it’s been a month. You’re telling me you haven’t thought about why you said it all this time?”

He calmed himself and then lifted his head, his eyes meeting mine. “It was out of anger.”

“You wanted to hurt me?”

“Yes.” He looked at me with pain in his eyes. “When I said it that night, it was because I thought I meant nothing to you. It made me angry and I wanted to hurt you. I remember what your exes used to say to you and it slipped. This time, the same thing happened. I felt you cared more for Yoongi and Jimin—feels like I’m not high on your list.”

To think he would stoop so low and try to damage me—on purpose—the same way my exes had ripped something in me. I never would have thought Namjoon to be someone so…normal. Such a human quality to be imperfect.

“I need to know," I forced myself to say. I didn't want to continue this talk. I was feeling so much, but I knew I had to continue. "You have to be honest. Do you have a problem with my sexual past?”

He shook his head, his face serious and steady. “No. You have a past and I would be foolish and selfish to not want you to have one. What I’ve always cared about is how you treat and see me. That's where all the anger came from, I swear.”

I understood. He had been an ass for saying it—twice—but anger was something I could easily understand.

He hung his head again and apologized once more. He was clearly remorseful.

However, I needed to set boundaries. I needed to stand up for myself. “When I open up to you, I expect you not to throw it back at me. It will only make me pull away from you.”

He sat back up and nodded. His face was flushed, tears still coming down. He apologized again.

“I appreciate the apology,” I said genuinely. I turned towards the couch. “Let’s sit down. You’re gonna hurt your knees.” I didn’t wait for his response and went towards the couch.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him get up and walk toward the empty chair. I wasn’t sure if it was because of his presence or due to feeling a sudden chill, but I shivered. Either reason was valid for my body reacting that way. I looked around for the hoodie I had been using in quarantine. I found it on the chair that Namjoon was starting to descend on. Before I could ask if he could hand it over, I noticed something about it.

It was his.

Of course, I knew it was his hoodie I had been wearing. He had left it in LA and I had used it several times since our breakup. However, wearing it in front of him wasn't appropriate.

I tried not to disguise the fact that I was looking for something, pretending it was the blanket on the couch I had been looking for. However, it was no use. He had noticed. His eyes went to the hoodie behind him and a slightly embarrassed look spread across his face.

However, even though he looked awkward, he still reached for it. “You can—”

Grabbing the blanket, I made sure to be extra noise in wrapping it around me, draining out his words. Thankfully, he was quick to catch onto what I was doing and shut up.

As I turned to him, I noticed we were a little too close. And even though my body wanted to get closer to him than I already was, my brain reminded me of the mandate. I was already breaking so many laws with Namjoon being here, I at least wanted to make sure we followed the six feet rule.

After a few moments of silence, Namjoon opened his mouth, ready to start the talk but I cut him off. “Let me start.”

He nodded and kept silent.

Meeting his eyes, I said some words I wanted to say that night. “I need to apologize as well.”

His eyes stayed on me and said nothing.

I took a breath and started what I had set out to do after walking out of Sihyuk’s house about a week ago. “You told me multiple times what you wanted from the relationship—you were very clear. You wanted transparency and I didn’t give you that. I was wrong for how I behaved. For keeping our relationship a secret from my family. I recognize I was dismissive of your emotions. I am very sorry for that.”

He nodded, accepting my apology, but he needed more words from me. “Why did you want to keep me a secret from them? It felt like I was this dirty little secret. I’ll be honest, these last few weeks, the thought that you might have someone on the side came to mind.”

I shook my head, appalled. “I never—”

“I know,” he cut me off. “You would never do something like that. It was a thought that came to mind several times. I want to be fully honest about it. My head went into some pretty dark places these last few weeks. My opinion of you wasn’t very good.”

Guilt stabbed at my chest. I knew he was being with these words. “I’m sorry.”

“Can I know why you refused to tell your family?” He did his best not to sound hurt.

But I knew Namjoon well enough to hear it. “I genuinely thought that not telling my brothers had been an oversight, but after talking to Dr. Rob, I see things differently now.”

He looked a bit shocked. “You’re seeing your therapist again?”

I nodded. “After that night, I kind of had a breakdown. Similar to years ago when I was in the middle of an anxiety attack. After a few days, I knew I needed help. Dr. Rob has been helping me figure some things out—find out why I’ve had this wall up with you.” Using the blanket as a guard, I tugged it tighter around my body as I felt my anxiety start spiking. “I learned that me keeping you at a distance stems from childhood trauma.”

I went on to explain what I had discovered with Dr. Rob. I went into a little more detail about what I witnessed as a kid with my parents. Made the connection that the toxic relationship I grew up watching damaged my trust in a partner. Boyfriends, to me, were a tainted category.

“I didn’t tell my parents about us at first because I don’t have a close relationship with them. I might talk to them on a weekly basis, but it’s always short and I never share anything meaningful. Plus, I’m sure my mother’s ability to taint anything I care about had something to do with it. Not telling her kept you safe for me. I can easily see her make a comment about how wrong I am for you. She did it several times with Jerry. I didn’t want her doing that with you.”

Namjoon’s face was calm, but his eyes were very loud about how he felt about hearing this.

“And I think there are a few reasons why I didn’t tell my brothers. One of them was because it would make us more real. Which increased the possibility of you leaving. And that scared me.” The abandonment issues I didn’t know I had started to resurface. Now that I could identify the feeling, I took notice of it quickly. “The only guys who stuck around were the bad ones.”

“Jerry was willing to stick around,” he pointed out immediately. “And he was great.”

“But he didn’t really know me. I kept a lot of things from him. And the things I did tell him, he dismissed,” I countered back.

“But I do and I want to be with you,” he said without hesitation.

My heart ached for multiple reasons. “Which makes you more dangerous. It’s a double-edged sword.”

“I know I fucked up. And I am more than willing to ask for forgiveness every day—”

I cut him off. “No. I know you regret it and know you mean your apology. I forgive you. I don’t want it to become something that hangs over us. I’m still hurt by it, but it won’t last.”

He gave a slight nod. After a quiet moment, he spoke up. “I really don’t want to push you away. But I want to be let in. And I want to know that you’ll allow me in.”

I held onto his eyes, noticing how pleading they looked. I had to be honest. I couldn’t sugarcoat this. “It’s gonna be tough for me. Letting someone in is not easy. The last people I let in and depended on ended up fucking me up. I put a wall up for survival and it’s been hard bringing it down. I’ve always been aware of the wall’s presence and I’ve never minded it. But with you, I mind. I don’t want to keep you out. Even if my fight or flight instincts are screaming at me.”

He looked away, seeming to think about something.

It was a look I had seen far too often, especially more toward the end of our relationship. He was holding back. And like always, I wanted to know what was on his mind. “What? Tell me.” I braced myself for whatever he was about to say.

He didn’t meet my eyes but answered my question. “When we fought that one night—not the very last one, but the one when you almost left in the middle of the night…?”

“Yeah…?”

“You were reliving something….”

I thought back, trying to recall that night.

“Your anxiety kicked in…”

I remembered. “Mm-hmmm.”

“What was it?” There was a slight look of reluctance like he was afraid to ask. Afraid of my reaction. Afraid I might not answer.

I had told him I wanted to let him in, now I had to prove it. “A fight between my parents.”

His facial features relaxed a bit. “What was it about what I did that triggered the memory?”

The image of his fiery brown eyes crossed my mind. Eyes that were always so warm when I looked into them had been icy that night. “Your anger. You’ve gotten mad at me before, but that look…that was real anger towards me.” My eyes stayed on his as I told him what I discovered with Dr. Rob. “I know you’re nothing like my parents. But that night emotions were already escalating. My feelings for you were getting more intense. Internally, I was fighting with my defenses. I wanted to let you in and I also wanted to keep you away. Sadly, the wall won that night. The image of my parents fighting pushed me to keep it up. Not to mention that I’ve had prior relationships that around the four-month period, their demeanor changed. The thought did cross my mind that you were going to turn into one of them.”

He thought for a long moment, considering my words. He looked down at his feet, which were joined. He moved his feet a bit, thinking.

“What?” I asked, knowing he was hesitating in asking something serious.

He didn’t meet my eyes but did speak up. “I thought you might have been reliving something else that night.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“Something you haven’t been able to tell me. Something you’re keeping secret.” The cocoa browns that pulled so many feelings out of me came up. “There’s something I want to know. I’ve been holding back in asking because I’ve never wanted to push you to tell me anything you’re not ready to. But it’s gotten to the point where I keep imagining the absolute worst.” A stream of tears began to come down as he braved himself. “What happened to you that caused the anxiety attack years ago?”

Another difficult hurdle had come. Tears were also coming out of me and I took a few breaths to get myself under control. “I want to share everything with you, Namjoon. But some things are difficult to talk about. Some things that,” flashes of the scariest moments of my life came to the forefront, threatening to suck me in. The bulwark I had built since childhood stood tall and strong, though, keeping the old memories at a distance. That fucking wall was my protector just as much as it was my poison. “I don’t want to ever relive,” I finished as I caught on to my words again. “There are some things I suppressed and can’t remember. There are other memories I wish I could forget.”

He cut me off, a look full of concern as he witnessed my state. “I don’t want you to relive something that is going to do more damage. I don’t want you to have to dig in too deep that you get lost.” The tears coming down from him were probably thicker than mine. “I just wanted to help you. It seemed like there was something you were going through and I wanted to comfort you. Especially since you weren’t seeing your therapist anymore.”

I nodded, agreeing with him wholeheartedly. “I shouldn’t have stopped therapy. I should have continued it. I thought I had a handle on things, but I didn’t.” I took a breath and finally said the words I had practiced so much with Dr. Rob. “I wasn’t prepared before in letting a significant other in. But I want to. I want to let you in. And I promise that I am working on it and will continue to work on it. I will tell you in more detail about what happened, but I won’t tell you everything this time.”

He waited patiently. “Whatever you want to tell me. And whatever you don’t or can’t, that’s ok with me, too. As long as you’re getting help is what matters.”

******Tugging the blanket around me, I finally told him. “Around the time my contract was about to expire, I was to have a meeting with some executives and Ky was supposed to be there. However, things happened and Ky couldn’t be there and neither could some of the executives. Only one of them met with me. The meeting started ok, but somehow it turned into a nightmare. The executive made comments that hinted at me doing him sexual favors in exchange for a better contract. It was surreal at first; I thought it was some joke. But then he walked over to me. He got too close. I froze. I felt my shirt come undone.”*******

I took the chance of stealing a look at Namjoon, wondering how he was taking this.

His face was expressionless. He kept his eyes on me with no hint of anger or pain. I let out a breath, relieved. It was something I feared a little. Namjoon had always been one to control his emotions, always relying on his head. But there was always the possibility of his emotions getting the best of him. I knew if he did lose control, I would focus on him rather than myself.

I was about to continue but then I noticed his fists. They were clenched. His arms tightened. He was angry, I could feel it now.

I instantly began to worry about him.

“What then, babe?” Namjoon said, pulling my focus away. “Don’t focus on me. Go on.” He had caught my stare.

I took a breath and continued to speak about my assault. I didn’t give him too many details, still not feeling ready to tell him everything. He sat still and listened. I told him about my talk with my mother and when I got a bit emotional, he made a move to move toward me.

With a shake of the head, I pleaded him to stay where he was. “If you hug me, I’ll come apart. And I want to get through this.”

He respected this and stayed in his seat. However, he did lean forward, looking ready to rush to my side as soon as I gave him the go-ahead.

A good while later, I was certain I had shared as much as I could about my trauma. I shed many tears, but I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I would.

Looking out the window, I could only imagine what time it was. It was pitch black. This had taken a lot longer than I thought.

“Thank you for sharing that with me. I bet it wasn’t easy,” he said genuinely, a look of complete care on his face.

“Thank you for listening,” I responded.

“I like listening to you.” His words moved something in me.

Having just shared so much with him, I felt a shift between us. I felt a shift in myself. The fact that he had sat there for hours listening to me and respecting my boundaries moved something in me. Suddenly, I had the urge to tell him everything; tell him exactly what I thought of him but had been too afraid to share in the past.

“There's more I need to tell you," I said, building up even more courage.

I was certain he could tell I was getting nervous. He offered me one of my favorite smiles. "I'm all ears."

I took a deep breath and began to let my heart pour out. "You are, without a doubt, the best human I know. You’re kind, gentle, resilient, positive, and empathetic. You deserve the goddamn world.” Talking about my admiration for him was making me quite emotional. So emotional that I started to cry. What I felt for Namjoon was not something that I had ever allowed myself to feel. Dr. Rob said that it would take some time to talk openly about this positive emotion without my body physically responding this way.

I was quick to notice how Namjoon shook his head, disagreeing with my view of him.

But I needed him to know how I saw him. “Despite the negativity thrown at you, you keep your composure. You stay collected when it matters most. It’s one of the many reasons why I fell for you.” Looking into his beautiful features, I continued my praises. “And there are so many qualities that made me fall for you—many physical. Like your pout. The pout you make when you mutter to yourself. And how you look when you come out of the shower in all your gloriousperfection.” He blushed wildly at this. But I wasn’t done. “When you chow down your third bowl of noodles, your Adam’s apple bobs in this very sexy way. And my favorite thing about you is how you make me feel happy.” A burst of crazed laughter came out of me, thinking of all the little moments with Namjoon. The last few weeks we had been together, this was one of the emotions I had felt and tried to block: happiness. It was so foreign to me, so I had naturally recoiled from it. However, in the month away from him, I came to find that not feeling happiness was a feeling I did not want.

He took a breath, wiped some tears, and looked directly at me. He opened his mouth, ready to say something.

But I wasn’t done. There was one last thing I needed to tell him. The most important thing I knew I would ever say. “I love you, Kim Namjoon.”

It felt like a breath of fresh air saying it. While it was difficult getting to this point, letting out the words felt good. Felt so right.

My eyes did not sway from his cocoa browns. His body relaxed—he looked relieved.

I was bathing in the happiness of finally saying the words to him but then noticed him getting to his feet. I acted instinctively and got up, wanting to get close to him. However, I remembered I was under quarantine. If I had the virus, he might get sick again. It would mess up his entire schedule. I backed away as he made a reach for him. “Six feet,” I reminded him.

He followed me, a determined look in his eyes. “Fuck the six feet.” He reached out, catching my upper arm and keeping me in place.

“Namjoon—” The air got caught in my lungs as his touch sent thrills throughout my skin. Every cell sang in joy. However, my brain demanded I take back control. I tried to pull away.

His bold and gentle hands came to my face, keeping me. His mystic eyes held my gaze.

My brain and body became mush at that point, giving up the battle. I sighed into his touch.

“Say it again,” his honeyed voice said above a whisper.

I don’t think I could ever deny him anything. “I love you, Kim Namjoon.” My heart fluttered at hearing myself say it.

I was entrusting him with my heart. And as I felt him around me, I was positive he would protect it and me at all costs.

He let out a kind of laugh I had never heard him make. It was high and kind of panty. He sounded a bit delirious. I saw the smile I had been missing for over a month. His eyes squinted as his smile widened. His nose scrunched up a bit, changing the freckled constellations on his beautiful canvas. How had I lasted so long without seeing this expression every day?

“I really missed these,” I said, my fingers reaching up and tracing the cluster of marks around his eyes and nose.

His hands moved down to my middle and tightened around me. His face came down to my neck, his nose hitting the spot between my ear and neck. He took a deep inhale. “I missed you.”

I turned my head towards his own neck, wanting to smell him back. My nose grazed his skin and I breathed in his woodsy scent.

We stayed like that for a long time, until he finally pulled up. His arms stayed around me. “I found out how I felt about you while I was with my last girlfriend,” he said, almost out of nowhere.

My state of happiness made my mind not work fast enough. “Huh?”

He went out to further explain. “I broke up with my ex a year ago because I was falling for you. By the time we were in the backhouse in the soop, I was a goner. I knew that week.” His eyes stayed on me, one of his palms back to stroking my face. “I love you, Mayahuel.”

I never thought my heart would feel ready to combust. Every fiber of my body tingled as small amounts of electricity danced inside my cells. Tears of happiness erupted once again.

More happy pecks were shared.

It started light, but I quickly felt the heat start kicking in. Not wanting Jimin’s house to be the next place we consummated our new relationship, I decided to kid around with him. “Just don’t forget I’m the one who said it first.”

He let out a light laugh. “You might have said it first, but I definitely felt it first. I let you say it first, know that,” he said teasingly, biting my lower lip.

I gave him a light smack. “You really don’t want to turn this into a competition,” I warned. “I probably fell in love with you years ago, I just was suppressing it.”

“You said it was only a crush!”

I shrugged my shoulders. “That’s not the story I’ll be telling everyone,” I said, giving him a playful smile.

“You better play nice or I won’t feed you tomorrow,” he warned. “I know you’re running out of food. I’ll let you starve,” he joked with a flirtatious smile.

Giving him another smack, I let out a pout. “Be nice to me. All I’ve had today has been ramen which was probably five years old. I found it way in the back of some dirty cupboard.”

With that, Namjoon immediately pulled out his phone and ordered multiple dishes from one of my favorite places. He went on to order me groceries that would probably last me a week. He ignored the dozen times I told him he was going overboard.

I openly rolled my eyes at him.

He didn’t answer me; his eyes looking at my arms. We were both now on the couch, waiting on the food. His body and the blanket were providing a nice warmth, but it wasn’t enough for my body. “How are you still cold?” He reached over to grab the hoodie on the chair.

However, I stopped him. “Can I have the one you have on instead?”

“Why?” he asked with a frown, but I didn’t miss how he started to take off his hoodie.

“The other one has lost your smell,” I said honestly. “Plus, this one is already warm.”

He let out a chuckle, the hoodie now off him. He handed it to me gently.

As I put it on, I took in his body. I hadn’t noticed before because Namjoon tended to wear baggy clothes. He rarely put on clothes that rightly fit his frame. But now, without the sweater, I saw how much weight he had lost.

“Namjoon,” I said, concerned.

“What?” he asked, confused by my reaction.

“You look…different.” I wanted to say scrawny, but that wasn’t a nice word to use.

He waved his hand, dismissing it. “It’s not just because of what happened. I was traveling, remember? No time for the gym. Then I ended up being stuck indoors for close to three weeks. I got an appointment to meet with my trainer in a few days.”

I gave a nod, but still couldn’t help but feel guilty for my part in his state.

Namjoon was quick to catch on to my emotions. “Hey,” he said, tipping my chin up to meet his gaze. “No guilt, ok? It was a bad time, but we’re not going back there. We’re looking ahead.”

The next nod I gave was a little more confident.

Then, a chime came on, signaling our delivery had arrived. After retrieving the bags of food, we sat on the floor to eat. I probably shouldn’t be eating this late, but I was starving.

“What are your plans after coming out of quarantine? Can your apartment be ready by the time Jimin gets back?” Namjoon asked as he fed me some of his noodles.

I took them, hungrily. “I’m hoping so. I really hate apartment shopping.”

“Stay with me until it’s ready,” Namjoon immediately offered.

“Are we ready for that?” I asked him honestly.

He thought for a moment. “I want to be, but maybe we aren’t?”

“If you have to ask, then we aren’t. I don’t want to take a step we’re unsure of.”

He nodded and took a big bite from his noodles.

“Where do you want from us?” I asked. “I know you’ve always wanted to share your thoughts but held back. I don’t want to keep you from voicing what you want to say.”

He thought for a moment. “I want a nice dinner with you and my parents. I want to properly introduce you. I’d like to see if it’s at all possible to meet with your aunt Jia and Uncle John, formally. You consider them more like your parents.”

I smiled, thinking his wants were easy to meet. “My aunt and uncle will be here in a few weeks, so that’s easy to make happen.”

He frowned. “They’re coming? What for? Just for a visit?”

“Well, Sihyuk actually invited them. They’ll be visiting for about two weeks.”

“Why does Sihyuk want to meet with them?”

I then told him.

*********

~NAMJOON~

Weeks later….

There was only reason Namjoon had gone to HYBE on his day off was for moral support. Today was the day. And he was positive Maya’s anxiety would be spiking. He had seen her over his place earlier and her nerves were already jittery.

The elevator doors opened to his designated floor. He walked out and headed to the lobby, seeing one man and two women speaking to each other. The man and the older woman were sitting on the couch as the younger woman paced in front of them.

Yeah, her anxiety was spiking, Namjoon thought as he quickened his pace.

They were in such heavy discussion; he was positive they hadn’t heard him.

The couple was the first to notice him. He gave them a smile and polite bow.

Maya’s aunt and uncle got to their feet and greeted Namjoon back.

From the corner of his eye, he noticed Maya had stopped pacing and making her way to him. “What are you doing here?” she asked him. She was trying to hide the feeling of relief.

If her aunt and uncle hadn’t been present, he would have wrapped her in his arms to calm her. However, he had been raised to be a proper, Korean man and kept a proper distance. He got as close as he felt was respectful. “I told you I would meet you here,” he reminded her.

“Yeah, but I thought you meant it would be after the meeting.” He noticed how her legs leaned towards him, but she also kept her distance. She knew him well to know what he was comfortable with when it came to PDA. They had met with her aunt and uncle a few times for her to know.

“I wanted to be here to escort you if you wanted. And to answer any last-minute questions.”

“So, it really is going to be just the three of us and him? No other executives? No lawyers?” Asked Jia, still looking like she didn’t believe what had been said to her several times.

Namjoon smiled and nodded. “Sihyuknim cares and respects his artists. Having a meeting with the artist and their parents is something very important to him. He wants the parents to know he’s taking good care of their child. That he is willing to treat the artist like extended family. He did the same with us. It was just us, our parents—no lawyers—and we signed the contracts. It’s the reason why Big Hit is so small. He wants it to be a family business.”

John’s chest puffed a bit like he loved the idea that he was considered to be Maya’s parent. Jia’s smile spread wide, clearly feeling the same. There were even some tears in her eyes.

Jia seemed to shake herself out of it. “Namjoonah, is there a particular wine your parents really like? Mayita says they like wine but is unsure which is their favorite,” Jia said.

“I’ll message you an image of it,” Namjoon promised.

Maya’s aunt and uncle were going to meet Namjoon’s parents tonight. It had been Namjoon’s mother who had invited Maya’s family over.

Maya had been over for dinner at his parents' every weekend. Namjoon also had a feeling Eomuni would be inviting them to the house for Seollol.

“We would appreciate that, thank you,” responded Jia.

“How have you guys been sleeping?” Namjoon asked, curious. He remembered John mentioning the other day how the time difference was affecting his sleep.

“Better last night,” John said.

They were staying in Maya’s new apartment. Her old apartment was having too many issues with the renovations and wasn’t going to be ready for the initial date they had given Maya. The landlord let Maya out of her lease early, so she was able to look for another apartment.

While it had caused a lot of stress for Maya for a couple of weeks, something good came out of it. She had found an apartment in Namjoon’s community, so she was now a lot closer. They wouldn’t need to use so many drivers now since they were only walking distance from one another.

But even though they saw each other every day, they didn’t sleep in each other’s place. This time, Namjoon wanted to make sure their emotions were stable before they took that next step. Like before, Maya assured Namjoon that once he was ready then she would be, too. And it’s not like he didn’t want to sleep with her, because goddammit he did.

However, he was really enjoying the stage they were in. During the few weeks they had gotten back together, Maya had done such a turn-around. She was emotionally open and communicated very well with Namjoon. Gone were the days that she kept things to herself. The only time she did this was when she wasn’t sure what she was going through. And she told Namjoon so. When she got confused about something, rather than closing up, she let Namjoon know she needed time to decipher what she was feeling or thinking. This change in her made Namjoon fall deeper in love with her. He hadn’t thought it was possible, but it was the truth.

And the more he fell in love with her, the more he was drawn to her physically. It was getting harder to keep his hands off her. He was ready to make that next step with her. And he had a feeling it might be tonight. There were just a few things he needed to take care of.

“Should we start heading up?” asked John as he looked down at his watch.

We all turned to Maya.

She nodded, looking at little nervous.

Jia reached over and squeezed her arm before taking her husband’s hand. “Let’s go.”

John made a motion for Maya to lead the way.

As Maya walked, she took hold of Namjoon’s arm.

Together, they all walked towards the elevator. Plenty of eyes turned towards the four of them, their gaze lingering on Maya’s arm linked through Namjoon’s. He was sure Maya noticed the stares as well.

She didn’t seem bothered by them, though. She kept her head high in confidence.

Namjoon felt his heart swell and witnessed Maya feeling indifferent to the staff learning about her possibly romantic relationship with Bagntan’s leader, RM.

Yeah, he was definitely taking her to bed tonight.

**************

MASTERLIST

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30 Sequel (Book II)

***********************

AN: This concludes the story I planned for Maya and Namjoon! Thank you everyone for coming along on this journey! I adored writing these two.

However, I do have some news—good or bad, I don't know. This story will be continuing. I haven’t been able to get rid of these two from my head. Mostly it’s because RM smutty songs keep inspiring me. The first chapter of their new story is up and linked here.

I have the story (mostly) mapped out. It won’t be a story as long as this one ( I hope). It will work mostly as a journey of the two learning how to navigate through a mature, adult relationship. I intend to have an equal amount of fluff and smut in every chapter. It will work more like chapters of drabbles than one, big story.

************

Chapter 2: “어제와 같은 하늘색인데” [eojewa gateun haneulsaeginde]

 Language: Korean

 Translation: “It’s the same sky blue as yesterday”

 Song: “FALLING LEAVES ARE BEAUTIFUL” by HEIZE

************

Chapter 3: “Fading In and Out of Long Nights”

 Language: English

 Song: “What a Heavenly Way to Die” by Troye Sivan

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Chapter 4: “Las reglas siempre fueron claras”

 Language: Spanish

 Translation: “The rules were always clear”

 Song: “Subtitulos” by Lasso & Danna Paola

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Chapter 5: “Asi fue que me rendí”

 Language: Spanish

 Translation: “That’s how I gave up/in”

 Song: “Lluvia de verano” by Kira Brown & AMEX

Chapter 6: “Conversations With Nothing But Their Eyes”

***************

 Language: English

 Song: “Friends Don’t” by Maddie & Tae

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Chapter 7: “Midnight into Morning Coffee”

 Language: English

 Song: “I Like Me Better” by Lauv

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Chapter 8: “갑작스런 내 고백이” [gabjagseuleon nae gobaegi]

 Language: Korean

 Translation: “My sudden confusion”

 Song: “DO YOU LOVE ME” by LUNA & george

***************

Chapter 9: “Collide the Spaces that Divide Us”

 Language: English

 Song: “Superposition” by Young the Giant

***************

Chapter 10: “아주 고요한 너와 나의 속삭임” [aju goyohan neon nauw sogsag-im]

 Language: Korean

 Translation: “Very quiet whispers of you and me”

 Song: “midnight” by offonoff

***************

Chapter 11 (M): “Move So Different When You’re Watching”

 Language: English

 Song: “Read My Hips” by Lulise

***************

Chapter 12 (M):  “널 알고 싶은데” [neol algo sipeunde]

 Language: Korean

 Translation: “I want to know you”

 Song: “All Night” by Jane B

***************

Chapter 13 (M): “Like We Could Make it Real”

 Language: English

 Song: “Intimidated” by KAYTRANADA feat. H.E.R.

***************

Chapter 14: “Creando memorias”

 Language: Spanish

 Translation: “Creating memories”

 Song: “Pastelitos de guayaba” by Lilly Yan

***************

Chapter 15: “꿈처럼 뛰어들 때” [kkumcheoleom ttwiodeul ttae]

  Language: Korean

  Translation: “When you jump like a dream”

  Song: “Dive with you” by Seori (feat. eaJ)

***************

Chapter 16(M): “Hoy me estoy rindiendo a ti”

  Language: Spanish

  Translation: “Today I’m surrendering to you”

  Song: “A un beso” by Dana Paola

***************

Chapter 17 (M): “Tus besos partenecen a mi vida”

 Language: Spanish

 Translation: “Your kisses belong in my life”

 Song: “La Cita” by Deorro (feat. Ally Brooke)

***************

Chapter 18 (M): “Loving Me Might Be Dangerous”

 Language: English

 Song: “Gangster of Love” by Aiyanna-Lee

***************

Chapter 19 (M): “Cosas que yo no busqué”

 Language: Spanish

 Translation: “Things I Didn’t Look For”

 Song: “Me Quemé” by Gonza Silva, Luisa

***************

Chapter 20 (M): "좀 급하지만 네 마음속에 이미 꽉 찬"

[jom geubhajiman ne ma-eumsog-e imi kkwag chan]

 Language: Korean

 Translation: “It’s a bit rushed (to call it love), but your heart is already full”

 Song: “BeBe” by Seo In Guk

***************

Chapter 21: “Whenever I Get Around You”

 Language: English

 Song: “Comfortable” by H.E.R.

***************

Chapter 22: “Busco lo que escondes”

 Language: Spanish

 Translation: “I look for what you hide”

 Song: “Tú” by maye

***************

Chapter 23: “자꾸 멀어져가” [jakku meol-eojyeoga]

 Language: Korean

 Translation: “keep getting farther away”

 Song: “Fade Away” by Moon Sujin

***************

Chapter 24: “Si lo forzás se marchita”

 Language: Spanish

 Translation: “If you force it, it will wither”

 Song: “Que Lloro” by Sin Bandera

***************

Chapter 25: “어둠 내린 바다의 등대가” [edam marlin badaui deungdaega]

 Language: Korean

 Translation: “Lighthouse in the dark sea”

 Song: “Milky Way Between Us” by O3ohn

***************

Chapter 26: “You Don’t Mean to Hurt Me”

 Language: English

 Song: “Mercy” by Shawn Mendes

***************

Chapter 27: “난 온기 없는 어둠 속을” [nan ongi eobsneun eodum sog-eul]

 Language: Korean

 Translation: “I’m in the dark without warmth”

 Song: Gravity by Taeyeon

***************

Chapter 28: “우릴 향해 비추는 빛이 있으니” [ulil hyanghae bichuneun bichi isseuni]

 Language: Korean

 Translation: There is a light shining towards us

 Song: Sunrise by Wildberry feat. Eunbii

***************

Chapter 29: “Fragmentos de mi alma en pedazos”

 Language: Spanish

 Translation: “Fragments of my soul in pieces”

 Song: Yo Estaré by Santana feat. Ally Brooke

***************

Chapter 30: “Every Line in Our Hands”

 Language: English

Sometimes he thought he saw it in her eyes—he thought he felt it. If he was being completely honest, believing she felt deeply for him had been the reason why he had given her so many passes these last few weeks. His emotions for her had evolved a while back ago. He had noticed it, but kept those emotions at bay, not wanting to rush things. Not wanting to pressure her. He thought all she needed was a little bit of time to come to terms with her own feelings for him. Because he was sure she felt similar.

But he had been wrong. If she felt for him the way he did for her, she wouldn’t have treated him like this. She wouldn’t have dismissed his words. Wouldn’t have lied.

It was painful to feel the way he did and it not be reciprocated. There were so many things he wanted to say to her but couldn’t. It was like he had to censor himself more and more when he was around her. He had never needed to be mindful of his words around Maya—he told his best friend everything. However, since becoming a couple, things had gotten worse with them.

Namjoon bathed in his anger and disappointment as he walked through the hotel. The staff didn’t follow him, clearly seeing he needed space. Needed time with his emotions.

After a couple of hours, he felt calm enough to head back to his room. It was a good thing he had calmed down because he felt a fan had spotted him. He didn’t want to chance it.

When he entered his room, her aroma was in every corner. Their carnal act lingered in the air. He went to the sliding doors that lead to the balcony. He opened them wide, wanting her scent gone. He might be calmer but was still angry at her.

Not wanting to be near the bed, he took a sheet from the closet and laid on the couch.

The remaining hours of the night were spent tossing and turning, getting little sleep. He kept replaying everything about the night. Replaying Maya’s refusal to let him in.

After years of friendship, how could she still keep him at a distance? And why lie to him? Had he not shown he was worthy of being let into her heart—her world?

His self-loathing that he managed to keep buried crawled to the surface. It had made its way up and was making him doubt everything about her. He questioned if Maya ever cared for him. Questioned if she ever saw him as more than just a sex toy.

Namjoon was awake when the alarm went off. He had two hours before he had to leave for the airport to meet his friends for their trip. He had set up the alarm yesterday. It was to go off with plenty of time for him to spend with Maya. He had planned on wrapping his arms around her as she slept on. She was a heavy sleeper. The only way she woke was with an alarm or her name being called.

As someone who was a light sleeper, Namjoon would think he would be jealous of how easy it was for her to stay asleep. But he genuinely was happy to see her rest so peacefully. He liked knowing she woke to him calling for her.

Today marked their 100 days together. He had planned to gently wake her and present her with a gift. Even though he was set to fly out today, he had planned out the few hours they would have together. Maya wasn’t one to be sentimental, not being much of a fan of materials, but he was certain of the jewelry he had bought her. He, too, wasn’t one to lavish on gifts, but he liked the idea of splurging on her.

He could play the scenario in his head: after giving her the gift, she would have given him that smile that always melted him. She would have attacked him with kisses. Maybe they would have time for cuddles and breakfast in bed before he took off.

It was all a lie, the self-loathing voice whispered in the darkness.

But Namjoon managed to recognize the demon and shut him down. After years of practice, he learned to push down the side of himself that he was not proud of. He needed to find his voice of confidence. The one who was logical and reasonable.

Maya might have lied to you last night about talking to her mother, but her feelings for you are genuine—his reasonable voice said loudly.

With the demon locked down, Namjoon began to think clearly.

Suddenly, he replayed all last night with a different filter. One that was more observant and not so engulfed with anger.

God, what the fuck had happened? Things had seemed to be good between them. But then she had lied—again. She kept blocking him off for some reason he couldn’t understand. Why wouldn’t she let him in?

Racking his brain, he tried to search for the answer.

And as he did, his thoughts eventually came to a memory from a couple of years ago….

Seollal 2021 – Kim Household

“Thank you for doing the dishes, Maya. You really didn’t have to,” Eomuni said to Maya as Maya finished cleaning the last dish.

Maya smiled at Eomuni. “It’s the least I could do. Thank you so much for the meal,” she said for maybe the 10th time that night.

Maya’s constant gratitude made Namjoon smile. He found her so cute like this, so polite.

He’d gotten used to the foul-mouth, free-spirited side of Maya in the last year. Around older people and in the public eye, she had perfect manners. It was nice to see different sides of her.

The Kim family made their way to the living room where they spent it playing games for the next few hours. Maya fit well with Appa, who was very much like her and got competitive. She managed to keep things light and fun, mixing well with Namjoon’s parents and sister.

After a couple of hours playing, his parents seemed to have gotten tired and got ready to call it a day. Before heading to bed, though, Eomuni and Appa went on their nightly walk with Rapmon, Namjoon’s dog.

Namjoon, Maya, and Sissy continued playing their game and having light conversations.

Sissy excused herself to the bathroom, leaving Namjoon alone with Maya.

“Thanks for inviting me, Namjoon. I really appreciate it,” Maya said with a smile.

He smiled back. “No one should spend Seollal alone. Plus, my mom always has extra food.”

“Gotta thank Sissy for letting me room with her. I hate she has to share it with me.”

“She doesn’t mind. She really likes your company,” Namjoon said honestly.

His entire family enjoyed Maya’s company. His mother had talked non-stop with her and his father had laughed all evening. His sister clung to Maya’s every word, much like a little sister would admire an older sister. Even his dog, Rapmon, had constantly been at Maya’s side.

Namjoon was happy the entire household had welcomed her so well. He felt bad she spent the holidays alone. While she wasn’t Korean and the holidays didn’t mean anything to her, he didn’t like the idea of her not being around loved ones. She must be missing her parents.

It had been the second holiday Namjoon had invited her to spend with his family. Last time she had insisted on leaving after dinner; this time, his mother convinced Maya to stay the night.

He was glad for his mother; he truly disliked the thought of Maya driving this late at night.

Just as Sissy came back from the bathroom, Namjoon’s parents and Rapmon walked into the home. Rampon ran immediately to Maya, who welcomed him with plenty of love and petting.

“Well, we’re gonna call it a night, everyone,” Eomuni said with a smile. She waved to pair as she and Appa started to climb the stairs.

“Don’t stay up too late,” Appa said as he too climbed the stairs.

“Daughter, come on,” Eomuni called out to Sissy.

Sissy had just sat down next to Maya. She looked devasted. “I’m not sleepy, though.”

“You’re waking up early with me to make breakfast, come on,” Eomuni insisted.

Maya sat up. “I can help with breakfast, too.”

Eomuni waved her hand at Maya. “You’ll do no such thing as a guest. Come, daughter.”

Sissy was obedient but she still left with a pout. Despite his sister being in her mid-20s, Namjoon still saw a baby in her and smiled fondly at her. He watched her stomp off.

After his parents were gone, Namjoon found himself and Maya talking deep into the night.

He wasn’t sure how the conversation led to him telling her a story of a family trip when he was younger. It was one from his childhood, before joining Bangtan. Throughout the trip, the four family members had been inseparable. It had been full of fun, laughter, and love.

While Maya had a sweet smile on her face as he told the story, Namjoon took notice there was some sadness in her eyes as well. Could it be because the story was bringing a memory of her own childhood with her family?

“What were your family trips like?” Namjoon asked, curiously.

Much of Maya’s childhood was a secret. He knew she had a complicated relationship with her mother and she never mentioned her father. But that always couldn’t have been the case, right? She grew up wealthy—surely, she must have traveled to some pretty amazing places.

“We only ever went to Mexico. Mostly, we were sent there to visit my grandparents during the holidays. I don’t remember many holidays with my parents,” she said as a matter of fact, but Namjoon was quick to notice how she tugged at her long sleeves, pulling them over her hands.

He didn’t think she was cold. She had taken off her sweater a few minutes ago. He wondered if the action was caused for another reason. “You never traveled with your parents?”

Maya nodded. “My parents mostly spent their money on our extracurricular activities. Anything to get us out of the house.” She muttered the last part, throwing Namjoon off. “I only started to travel when I was in my girl group. I took a trip to Busan when I was a teenager, but that was because of my Tia Jia. My mother thought it was a waste but didn’t forbid me since it was my Tia Jia’s graduation present for me.”

“No travel?” Namjoon asked again, still not believing it.

“Just a ton of lessons from the top teachers money could afford.”

“How many activities were you in?” he asked her, shocked.

She thought for a moment. “Ballet, gymnastics, horseback riding, violin, piano, vocal training, guitar, soccer, volleyball. I eventually gave up ballet and gymnastics and took different dancing classes. I hated putting my horse Selena in competitions, so I only did it for like three years. And then I grew tired of the music lessons. My mom didn’t like me at home, though, so I had to pick other activities. That’s when I decided on asking my tia Jia to teach me Korean.”

“Why didn’t your mom want you home?” he asked, not bothering to think if it was appropriate to ask or not.

“So my mom and dad could continue their fights in peace,” she muttered.

Namjoon’s heart sank at hearing this. The hints had been there about Maya’s parents being abusive. But she was now verbally confirming the suspicions. A part of him didn’t want to know the question that came out of him next, but a more significant part of him needed to know. “How bad were the arguments?”

She tugged at her sleeves again, pulling them down past her fingers now. Namjoon now believed she did this to self-soothe. She was feeling vulnerable. “Someone called the cops once. I think it must have been Seb.” She stopped speaking and quickly looked away.

But Namjoon had noticed. Tears.

He didn’t want to press it, not wanting to push her too much. Instead, he went to her and sat close, rubbing her shoulder in a comforting way.

She didn’t turn back to him, but he heard the sniffles. After a long while, she took a deep breath. “Thank you, Namjoonie. Goes to show how compassionate you are. Not the same can be said about everyone.”

Namjoon frowned at this. “Who else did you tell?”

“My exes. One tried to normalize my childhood and another ex thought my crying was funny.” She finally turned to Namjoon, a sad smile on her face. “I always picked the best guys.”

Namjoon didn’t know what to say. He didn’t get it. How could a great and beautiful person like Maya ever date such scum? He witnessed how protective Maya was towards her loved ones and how she did not hesitate to defend a complete stranger. How did she not do that for herself with all her shitty exes? She deserved a great guy. Someone who would protect her as much as she protected others. Jerry had seemed to be a good guy—why hadn’t it worked with him?

And why in the fuck were her parents so crappy? He didn’t like passing judgment on complete strangers, especially those who were older than him. He couldn’t help himself, though. They had treated Maya so poorly when she had just been a kid.

Namjoon wanted to tell Maya this. Tell her she—like every person in the world—deserved to have good parents. But he held back, feeling it wasn’t his place. He didn’t want to openly criticize her parents. He didn’t know their background. He really shouldn’t judge.

Instead, he pulled her into a hug, allowing her to cry into his chest for as long as she wanted.

Thinking about this story made his brain work. Suddenly, everything about last night and the last month started to make sense.

Maya had mentioned how shitty her exes were. She wasn’t one to easily open up, so the story she had shared during Seollal had been a big deal. That had been the night she had opened up the most about her past to him. Probably the night that she started to consider him a best friend.

Maya had opened up to Namjoon before because they were friends. But Namjoon was no longer a “friend” in Maya’s eyes. He was now put into the “boyfriend” category.

Her past relationships had all been toxic—except the one with Jerry.

She might be fighting her and Namjoon’s progress due to a subconscious instinct. Maybe she thought if she were to open up to him, he would treat her the same as her past boyfriends.

Namjoon then remembered Maya’s story about what led to her and Jerry’s breakup.

They were in the backhouse in the Soop. Days before their relationship evolved.

Maya explained how Jerry proposed. “We got back to the hotel that night and he proposed. Big, diamond ring and everything.”

“You hate diamonds,” Namjoon had said quickly, confused.

Maya nodded slowly, a sad smile on her face—the same one she had had when she told Namjoon about her exes. “I think he forgot.”

Jerry had become another boyfriend who had dismissed her emotions. Another boyfriend who didn’t know her. Another boyfriend who had failed.

Things started to make sense to Namjoon. Her lies made sense—she was protecting herself.

And then, panic took over.

What the fuck had he done?

Everything about last night replayed in his head but he was viewing it in Maya’s perspective.

As he replayed last night, his eyes scanned the room. Something caught his attention. Her bra, panties, and shoes were on the floor. The sudden image of Maya walking down the hotel hall in nothing but a tank top, short skirt, and barefoot came into his head. The staff would have seen. Her smeared makeup. Her unruly hair.

Namjoon could practically feel her embarrassment. Her hurt. That he had caused.

Acting on impulse, he went to his phone, opening Kakao app. He wanted to call her, badly. But his brain told him she wouldn’t pick up anyway. It would be best to send her a voice memo.

He recorded himself, hoping she would hear it soon and answer back. It had been hours since she left, but maybe she would listen to it later today and get back to him.

“Hey, b—” he suppressed his automatic want and need to call her ‘babe’. This wasn’t the time for pet names. He didn’t want her to think he was sweet-talking her, playing her. “I’m sorry for how things went last night. I…can you call me as soon as you can? I’m flying out soon, but I really don’t want to leave things like this. Please. I didn’t handle it well.”

He wanted to tell her more. Tell her he didn’t want to break up. Tell her he regretted the words he used. Regretted letting her leave. Felt like shit for walking out on her. Fuck! He had left her! Walked out on her—how many times must she have experienced that in her past?! Her parents hadn’t been there for her. And now he hadn’t been. SHIT! He had majorly fucked up.

He needed to talk to her—hear her voice. “Call me. Please,” he pleaded and hit ‘send’.

At that moment, a staff knocked at his door, announcing his transportation was ready.

Namjoon gave instructions to his staff on what to take. Then quickly headed over to see Yoongi. He was the only other member left in the hotel. He was planning on staying at Maya’s.

Yoongi looked dead tired when he swung open his door.

“What happened?” Yoongi’s tired look suddenly vanished as he observed Namjoon’s face.

“When are you going over Maya’s?” Namjoon asked, not answering Yoongi’s question.

“Tomorrow around noon—after checkout. Why?”

“After you talk to her, call me as soon as possible. I want to make sure she’s alright.”

“Namjoon, what happened?” Yoongi’s face was stern now.

Namjoon shook his head, unable to answer. He felt tears come down as his throat tightened.

“Shit,” Yoongi let out. “Did you guys break up?”

Namjoon could only nod.

Yoongi shook his head in disappointment. “What happened?”

From the corner of his eye, Namjoon noticed the staff waiting for him. One of them was checking their watches, clearly noticing how late they were running.

“I’ll call you after I land. Just, please, hyung. Call me right after?” he sounded so desperate.

Yoongi gave a small nod. “Ok.”

“Look after her?” Namjoon pleaded.

“Of course.”

He left, praying to whatever fake elemental god or fairy or angel would listen to him.

*******

Weeks later…

He was back in Seoul and under quarantine. Normally, he would have hated the idea of needing to stay indoors for this long, but the trip had exhausted him.

He had enjoyed the experience, and had fun with his friends on the trip. But during the down times when he had nothing to do, nothing to think about, she was constantly on his mind. Every so often, he would look at his phone to look at his notifications. Nothing.

By now, Namjoon had sent her dozens of messages. Countless voice notes. Every morning, every night; he never went more than 12 hours without writing or sending her something. Sometimes they were paragraphs of words. Sometimes it was simple lines. A “good morning”. An “I miss you”.

Unread.

He hid his pain well from his friends throughout the trip. They noticed there was something off but he insisted it was “work stuff” at first. However, right before coming back to Seoul, the ache became too unbearable. He got drunk. Spilled some truths. He had bawled his eyes out.

Hakun and Yongrae were surprised to know he had kept the relationship a secret for so long. They were sympathetic to what was happening and gave words of comfort. Insisted she would call back. She needed time.

His other friend, however, didn’t have the same empathetic response as Hakun and Yongrae.

“There’s something she’s hiding,” his friend, Gaeul, said as Namjoon took another sip of beer. “Might be another guy, man.”

“Maya wouldn’t do that,” Yongrae immediately shot down.

“Well, what else could it be? Why want a secret relationship so badly?” Gaeul asked back.

“Privacy, maybe. She knows how bad a scandal can get if this relationship gets out,” Hakun said. “Maya might be liked by the public, but that can change if they find out she’s dating one of the seven most treasured people of the country.”

Gaeul waved his hand, dismissing this. “Whatever her excuse is, she certainly doesn’t respect him.”

“You can’t say that for a mistake she made,” Hakun said. “She cares about Namjoon.”

“She has a shitty way of showing it,” Gaeul muttered.

“We don’t know her side of the story,” Yongrae said.

“Maybe if she actually responded back to him, he could know. But it’s been weeks and she hasn’t given him at least the decency in responding back with a simple ‘I need time’. She’s just ghosting him at this time. Does a person who cares about someone else act that way?” Gaeul looked more upset than Namjoon did.

Namjoon just sat there and listened. He didn’t agree or disagree with any of his friends, but he certainly soaked in all the words.

Namjoon looked through his phone, checking his notifications.

Nothing.

He tried to distract himself and went onto his socials, wondering what was treading. Several rumors about a possible girlfriend he had. Instinctively, he dug a little deeper into that rumor. Thankfully, it wasn’t. Just some girl craving attention. Nothing to give any energy to.

Not more than five minutes later, a Kakao notification came up.

New Message.

Namjoon didn’t think he had ever opened a message so fast. However, when the feed came up, disappointment flooded through him.

It was Gaeul

 G: Yo, have you seen that girl going all over social media claiming to be your gf? Wtf

Welcoming any distractions, Namjoon responded back.

NJ: Well, she’s technically hinting at being my gf. She’s not explicitly saying it.

G: Everyone knows where she’s getting at, man.

NJ: 🤷🏻

G: Gonna respond back?

NJ: Nah. Not worth the energy. If I were to respond to every claim on social media about a possible romance, I would need to retire from music.

G: Probably best. You seen the paparazzi photos of Maya spreading around. That girl don’t look at all upset. She keeps getting pictured all dolled up.

Namjoon had seen Maya’s paparazzi photos. He hated to admit that he had gone so low as to actually search for them. He hadn’t seen her in weeks, he just wanted a glimpse of her at least.

Of course, she looked goddamn gorgeous in all the photos, but she wasn’t exactly “dolled up” as Gaeul described it. Maya was naturally photogenic. She could put on a garbage bag and still look like a goddamn runway model. Most of the time, he found it hard to believe that someone with her goddess features would find him attractive.

Namjoon was a realist. He knew he attracted plenty of people, but he mostly believed it was due to his fame. He had lived almost two decades of his life constantly being told he didn’t fit the standard of beauty. Maya, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. The media had always been enchanted with her looks. As far as looks went, Namjoon and Maya didn’t make any sense. However, since the first time he had kissed her, Namjoon believed they made sense together in everything else—in everything that mattered.

Namjoon’s phone buzzed again, pulling his thoughts back to the present.

G: Maybe Maya will see the crazy chick’s posts and get all jealous and shit. kkkk

With Gaeul saying it, the thought now crossed Namjoon’s mind. A scene played out in his head with Maya being in her bed and stumbling upon the story of him being with someone else. A twisted sort of satisfaction went through him at visioning her in tears—hurting just as much as he was hurting.

The feeling didn’t last long, though. He suddenly felt sick at allowing his head to get there.

NJ: Gotta go. ttyl

Namjoon put down his phone, promising himself not to touch it for a few hours.

*******

~ YOONGI ~

January; Bangtan Dorms, Seoul

“How is she?”

Yoongi and Namjoon were both finally out of quarantine and able to meet face-to-face. Both had caught the virus and they stayed in longer than planned. They had talked a little on the phone about Maya. Namjoon always asked about her. Yoongi never gave Namjoon too many specifics. During quarantine, Yoongi had the power of just hitting a button to stop Namjoon’s questions. Now that Namjoon was physically next to him, it would be harder to get rid of his tall leader.

Yoongi was quick to notice how strained and tired Namjoon looked. “She’s getting better.”

Yoongi had hinted to Namjoon the breakup had left Maya in a bad state. He didn’t want to give her business to Namjoon, but he also didn’t want Namjoon to think she wasn’t hurting either. Namjoon should know at least that.

“You still talk to her regularly?” he asked, his tone sounding bitter and angry.

The older of the two let out a sigh. He was bracing himself for the ugly side of Namjoon that rarely came out. It had been a while since they last fought, but Yoongi could always tell when one was about to happen. Usually, it was when one of them was under a copious amount of stress. And right now, Namjoon had a lot of shit going on. “Yeah, we talk.”

“Through Kakao?” Namjoon pressed.

Yoongi knew what the leader meant by this. “Another app. Or it’s through an international call.”

“Why?” Namjoon asked, confused.

“I don’t think she’s ready to open up that app,” Yoongi said. It was the truth. He hadn’t asked Maya why she was contacting him through another message app or international call, but he was certain of the answer. If she opened Kakao, she would see all the notifications.

“Why?” Namjoon was starting to sound angrier.

“When you talk to her, you can ask her.” Yoongi wasn’t about to open up that gate because he was certain it would lead to an argument pretty quickly.

“It’s been a month and she hasn’t called. There’s no way for me to reach her. I might as well be a fucking one-night stand to her,” Namjoon snapped.

Yoongi kept his calm. He knew Maya’s issues were the main reason why she and Namjoon had broken up, but it wasn’t the only reason. Namjoon took participation in why the relationship failed. What he had told Maya that night and the way he walked out had done damage. Maya was recoiling this intensely due to Namjoon’s response. And Yoongi wasn’t about to let Namjoon believe he was fully innocent. “Is that why you had to publicly announce you weren’t in a relationship on social media a few days ago? You’re hoping she sees it?”

There had been someone on social media claiming to be Namjoon’s girlfriend. It had been circulating for a while and get to the point where the company had asked Namjoon how he wanted to handle the situation. Yoongi thought Namjoon would have simply ignored it, or at most declared he didn’t know the girl. However, after Namjoon wrote his statement saying he did “not know the person at all”, the company wanted to release its own statement. It was “not true that he [RM] is in a relationship,” were the words used by the company that Namjoon had ok’d. Yoongi was certain Namjoon was being vindictive in ok’ing the last part.

Namjoon’s eyes shot daggers at Yoongi. “Someone was claiming to be in a relationship with me on social media. I wanted to squash those rumors and set the record straight.”

“All you had to do was claim you didn’t know her. The added bit of you not being in a relationship was personal,” Yoongi stated. “You tend to do that when you reach a certain point of anger. You wanted her to see it. You were wanting to hurt her.”

“Did she read it?” Namjoon asked immediately. The look in his eyes contained hope and regret. He was losing it.

“She only uses her phone to communicate with a few people. She’s stayed away from all social media and the news. She hasn’t seen it, sorry to disappoint,” Yoongi said, annoyed.

For a long moment, the pair didn’t speak. Yoongi waited for his younger brother to come down from his anger.

After time had passed for too long, Yoongi sensed a change in the air. He felt Namjoon crying before hearing the sniffles. The hyung’s heart tugged for his younger brother. He reached out and rubbed Namjoon’s shoulder.

He let Namjoon cry, feeling tears sting his own eyes. “You don’t open easily yourself,” Yoongi said. “Took years for your walls to come down. Same with me.”

Namjoon didn’t say anything, just listened.

“She’s like us. She’s cautious on who she lets in. And even after letting people in, she has her moments of hiding. You and I have our reasons why we are detached like this. She has hers.”

“I just…” Namjoon tried to control his sobs to let out what he was feeling. “I’ve let her in. I’ve trusted her. Why can’t she trust me?” He stared at his hyung with eyes full of hurt.

Yoongi tried to keep himself together. “That’s not the way it works. Just because you allow someone in does not mean you are entitled to be let in with her. But I’m positive she wants to let you in. She has her reasons as to why she hasn’t or can’t. And she’ll want to tell you once she’s ready. But know sometimes it takes a good while for people to be ready.”

Namjoon went back to crying, looking more than defeated. “God, I just want to talk to her. I fucking miss her. It’s been a month. I can’t remember the last time I went more than a day without talking to her.”

Another long period went without words being said.

Yoongi finally spoke, saying something he really wanted to let out. “She hasn’t told me anything.” He continued to look forward, not making eye contact.

“Huh?” Namjoon asked, not understanding Yoongi’s words.

“I don’t know what happened with her. The seven of us suspect something happened to her before she came to Seoul—maybe sexually assaulted.” Yoongi’s heart weighted down even more at saying this, but he needed to. “None of us think it was Jerry. We all agree he’s too much of a good guy. But someone did something to her. Jimin shared with us the incident that occurred backstage during the awards show in 2019. Months later, she was helping us with a song and while on video chat with her, we noticed she was quieter and had circles under her eyes. Her leaving America suddenly and not going back was concerning.” It broke Yoongi’s heart to think something so horrible had happened to a dear friend of his.

Namjoon’s hands clenched into fists. Yoongi could only imagine what Namjoon was feeling. Namjoon cared for her more than Yoongi ever could.

Despite being incredibly close to Maya, Yoongi had never been able to break through with Maya but Yoongi suspected Namjoon questioned whether Yoongi was honest. Namjoon would give Yoongi looks whenever the topic came up: did Yoongi know about Maya’s secret? Yoongi’s answer was always ‘no’. Namjoon never looked convinced.

Yoongi had hoped she would have opened up to Namjoon. Sadly, she hadn’t. He needed Namjoon to know that Maya had that wall up for him as well. “It must be bad if she hasn’t told any of us,” Yoongi said out loud.

Longer moments of quiet.

Yoongi thought Namjoon was about to take it upon himself and leave, but there was something that still needed to be said. Another hidden truth that needed to be shed into the light.

“You love her,” Yoongi let into the air.

Namjoon didn’t respond, but there was a slight look of shock on his face.

“You think we don’t notice,” Yoongi said with a laugh. “The way you touch her; how you gravitate towards her whenever she’s in the same room; how your eyes scan to find her. You always manage to get right next to her. Only a few of us have caught it. You’re not much into physical affection, but with her, there’s always a part of you that’s on her. I’ve caught you plenty of times pressing your shoe against hers.”

Namjoon turned away, looking somewhat embarrassed.

“And she loves you.” Another truth.

Namjoon shook his head slightly, seeming bothered.

Yoongi misread him, thinking Namjoon didn’t believe this to be true. “She does,” Yoongi insisted. “You’re witty and funny, but the way she laughs at your jokes, you’d think you were a combination of Einstein and Junha. She never looks more amazed or more entertained than when she’s around you.” He pressed on Namjoon’s arm, making the younger one turn to him. Once their eyes met, Yoongi repeated the words. “She loves you.”

Tears came back. “Being with her makes me happy; makes me feel like I’m not losing my mind. I get so in my head sometimes and I feel she brings me back to the real world. But…not having her—not talking to her—is making me question whether that’s a good thing. I’ve noticed myself go deeper these few weeks and I’m seeing that ugly side of myself again. I was able to have control over him before. Now, it seems as if she’s in control.”

“You’re still the one in control, Namjoonah,” Yoongi encouraged. “It’s just a new phase you’re transitioning into. You’re in a team of two instead of one. It’s learning how to balance it all again. And you’ll get there.”

“That’s only if she’ll have me,” Namjoon said sadly.

Yoongi was about to continue with his pep talk, but his phone buzzed. He looked down, ready to send whoever it was to voicemail. However, once he saw he was, he changed his mind.

It was Jimin. Yoongi picked up and without thinking, put him on speaker. “Yeah?”

“Hyung,” Jimin said on the other end. “Can you do me a favor?”

“What?”

“I’m out of food at my place. Can you get some basic groceries and take them to my house? Everyone at the company is still out on holiday.”

“Why’s it gotta be me? Namjoonie lives in the same complex. Ask him.” Yoongi whined.

“It can’t be Namjoon,” Jimin said, sounding stressed.

Suddenly, things felt awkward. The seven rarely kept secrets from each other, which was why Yoongi immediately answered and put his younger member on speaker without thinking. Anything Jimin would say to him, he was certain Jimin would be fine in Namjoon overhearing. However, it was now apparent that Jimin was wanting to keep this from their leader.

Yoongi was stuck. He didn’t know how to react. He couldn’t hang up, Namjoon would be hurt in knowing the two were keeping something from him. But he couldn’t announce to Jimin that Namjoon was present either and overhearing everything.

Namjoon frowned a bit and waited for Yoongi’s decision, not knowing what to do either.

But it was too late for Yoongi to react. Jimin kept talking. “Don’t tell Namjoon—I already told Maya I would keep it between me and her.”

Yeah, there was no way Yoongi would be able to keep Jimin from talking if Maya was involved.

Namjoon took the phone from Yoongi and hit the mute button, ensuring Yoongi didn’t disrupt Jimin from talking.

Yoongi stayed frozen, though.

Jimin sounded a bit stressed and began to ramble and talk fast. “Maya decided to come back to Seoul earlier than planned. Her place isn’t ready obviously, so she asked if she could stay at my place, knowing my house is empty since I’m in Busan with my family. I don’t have much food at home and she’s been having issues with her accounts. I told her I would get it for her, but I forgot I had a few drinks last night, and…well, I lost my wallet—I had to freeze my accounts to be on the safe side. I’ve been trying to get ahold of her for a few hours and she’s not responding and everyone at the company isn’t answering either. Can you get the stuff that she’ll need and maybe check on her? She has a few days left of her quarantine.”

Yoongi was surprised by the last bit of information. How long had Maya been back?

Namjoon looked just as shocked, taking the phone off mute. “Maya’s been here for days?”

Jimin went silent for a moment. “Ssibal. Hyung, why didn’t you say he was there?!”

******

~NAMJOON~

There was zero hesitation. He reacted. He got his keys, called a car, and exited the dorms.

Because he often visited Jimin, he knew Jimin’s passcode to his home. He put in the code without a second guess, not bothering to knock. He didn’t want to give her the choice. She had had a choice for over a month and she had chosen to avoid him. The ball was in his court now. Plus, he was positive Jimin had called her to give her a heads-up.

As he made his way through the entrance hall, he heard the chimes announcing his arrival.

He walked into the living room, looking towards the bedrooms, and wondered what bedroom she was in. However, he spotted something on the couch. He made his way over and saw the blankets folded neatly, along with a pillow. He’d crashed on Jimin’s couch enough to recognize she was making camp there.

He looked around the living room and noticed a few knickknacks that were definitely hers. A bottle of melatonin on the table. Her favorite lotion. Hair ties. Her phone. With the slightest movement, her phone turned on. Missed calls. The phone didn’t recognize his face and it was set to private, so he couldn’t see whose calls were missed. However, he could make a guess.

His eyes continued to skim the room. He saw it. On top of the armchair. A sweater of his.

His eyes stayed on that sweater, remembering the last time he had worn it. Two nights before they broke up. He had forgotten it at her house.

The sound of a door opening pulled his attention away. He turned right on time.

She walked out of the bedroom, a stunned look on her face at seeing him there. She wore baggy pants that hung loosely on her hips, had an old shirt he knew to be a favorite of hers despite its multiple holes, fuzzy socks on her feet because he was sure she was freezing, her hair soaking wet, and her face was a bit puffy from having clearly taken a hot bath. God, he had forgotten how incredibly beautiful she was.

Like some stunning, majestic goddess who was blessing him with her presence.

He forced himself not to be caught in her mist. He was supposed to be angry at her, dammit. “What are you doing here?” Namjoon demanded.

-----------------------------------------

NOTE: I hope the last chapter is up next week, but there might be a 2-week wait.

I'm really excited to give this story's last chapter next week.

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

Ky was definitely ecstatic at hearing me say I still wanted to continue our search for a new label. I was really his only recording artist, so he was rather bored in not having much to do. However, he insisted he was mostly happy because I was getting back to the real world.

He had a point. After the breakup, I had gone a whole week without much human contact. That wasn’t normal for me. Besides during the beginning of the pandemic, I had never gone so long without going outside. Thankfully, sessions with Dr. Rob forced me to leave the comfort of my home where I felt safe. Finally, I had to go back to the real world and it scared me a little. I was expecting cameras to come out of nowhere immediately after leaving my residence. Feared that they would capture my disheveled state and post it online for everyone to see—for Namjoon to see.

There had been a few paparazzi waiting for me outside my home, but after a few days of doing this daily, it became easier to manage. I still refused to get on social media or read the news, so I never saw what was written about me.

Now, after all the sessions with Dr. Rob and using music to help me heal, I could feel my confidence being regained. I was now able to tolerate the guys creeping in the bushes. I relearned how to live my life.

I was pulling into my garage after another some therapy shopping at a used bookstore when I got a call from an international number. I was positive it was Yoongi.

Immediately, I answered. “Yups?”

“What are you doing?” came a gruff voice from the other end of the phone.

I let out a laugh. “You sound so bored. How are you feeling?”

Yoongi had arrived back in Korea and as per COVID regulations, he had to quarantine for 10 days. Sadly, he had also tested positive. “Not too bad.” He let out a light cough. “Got some news that I wanted you to hear from me.”

“What?” I asked.

“Namjoon tested positive.”

I almost dropped my books. “What?!” I began to worry and think the worse.

“He says he’s feeling ok. We get tested every day as a precaution, so that’s how we found out. Poor guy was almost done with quarantine, too. Now he has to wait at least another 10 days. The company is going to make the announcement later today. Thought it was best you heard before it was announced. And that he’s ok.” He let out a small cough.

“Be sure you’re taking care of yourself, Yoongwa,” I said with concern. I knew the virus was less intense and there was better medicine now to treat it. Plus, all the guys were vaccinated. However, I still was concerned for them.

"Ah, shit," Yoongi let out on the other end of the line.

"What?"

"I just got a message from the team. Jin-hyung tested positive."

"What the hell?" I said, shocked. That was three members already. What the hell was going on?

"Hyungie just sent a message to us. Says he mostly has a headache and some body aches, so he tested to be sure. Unnie-noona has it worse, he says."

I could only imagine how Namjoon was probably feeling. What were his symptoms? Did I have a right to ask Yoongi that question? How much personal information about my ex could I ask his friend? “Are the staff taking care of Namjoon? And Jin and Unnie?”

”Yeah. We have staff members getting us medicine. We’ll be ok. There are doctors coming to us as a precaution.”

We went on to talk for a good while. We discussed his long plane ride, his ideas of what he would do during quarantine, and how my therapy had gone.

Eventually, the conversation led to a question Yoongi had asked me before. I did my best to not keep asking questions about Namjoon, not wanting to come across as needy. Plus, I had no claim or right to know all of Namjoon’s business, right? We were broken up. Yoongi had just done me a favor as a friend by giving me a heads-up about it.

“Any idea when you’re going to start using Kakao again? Having to call you internationally is getting expensive,” he said jokingly as he gave a light laugh. A cough came out as he laughed, though.

“I’m not sure,” I said after he was done coughing. I knew what Yoongi was hinting at. He was wanting me to get in touch with Namjoon.

“You know it’s been almost a month since you last spoke,” Yoongi said, done with beating around the bush.

I had always used KakaoTalk to communicate with Bangtan but since my breakup with Namjoon, I had refused to open the app. I was still afraid of what the messages might possibly say. His hurt. His anger. And then there was the possibility that he wouldn’t have contacted me at all. It was highly unlikely, especially since Yoongi had been hinting at it for a while that Namjoon was trying to reach out to me. But there was a chance of it. And if it was true that he hadn’t tried reaching out, I had a feeling that would hurt more.

I made Yoongi call me internationally instead. The other guys were busy on their personal vacations with their families, so they had only reached out through email, asking about my well-being.

I let out a heavy sigh, feeling my stomach turn. “I know. There are a few things I need to take care of before I finally face him, though.”

“Like what?”

“Talking with my mother. I need to face things with her first before meeting with Namjoon.”

“Hmmm.” Then he was quiet. Oddly quiet.

“What?” I asked, feeling there was something Yoongi was concerned about but was hesitating in telling me.

“Nothing you need to concern yourself with right now. Take care of yourself first. Then we’ll talk. When are you meeting your mother?”

“Tomorrow.”

Suddenly, my phone rang with someone on the other line. I checked to see who it was. “Hey, I’ll call you later. Ky is calling.”

“Ok. But definitely call me back—I’ll be bored.”

“Call Jimin,” I said.

Yoongi let out a grunt. “I talked to him all day yesterday. Seriously, for three hours he would not let me hang up.”

“You love it, don’t pretend you don’t,” I accused before just bluntly hanging up on him. I knew how much it annoyed him when I did it. Smiling, I accepted Ky’s call. “Yups?”

“Get yourself dolled up—but not in a whorish way,” Ky greeted.

“What the fuck,” I responded, thrown off just a little.

“We have a very important dinner tomorrow, be sure to dress nicely.”

“With who?” I asked, curiously.

***********

Ky and I pulled into a private property the next day. It was a lavish home and we were welcomed by security of all tall, buff Korean men. I recognized the head of security, having crossed paths with him plenty of times at HYBE. He welcomed us at the entrance of the house. Before we could reach the front doors, Bang Sihyuk came out to greet us with a smile.

After we all gave respectful bows, Sihyuk shook hands warmly with Ky and patted my hands. He led us into his extravagant home. I had heard rumors of him having purchased a home in California but I wasn’t about to ask if the rumors were true.

His wife and children greeted us as well. We all headed to their dining room where we had Sihyuk's wife's cooking.

I knew how important and intimate this meeting was. The few times I had dinner with Sihyuk, it had been at a restaurant; never was it at his home and with his wife's cooking. Sihyuk definitely wanted us to feel at ease.

After dinner was done and his wife and kids excused themselves, Sihyuk invited Ky and me to another room. It seemed he was finally going to get to the reason for our meeting. Although, I was positive what that reason was. A contract.

I had so many thoughts in my head but I managed to keep calm, even as Sihyuk began to speak.

“I had a phone meeting some days ago with members of the board and they’re interested in an idea I have that involves you, Maya.”

“And what would that be?” I asked, trying my best to hide the fact that my heart was beating a mile a minute.

It had been about two months that I had been in the States and every deal offered to me by record labels was shit. Since getting back to music, I was feeling the bug again of wanting to make an album. I needed to be back in the studio. I wanted to be back on the stage. And if no American record label would have me, I would do it independently, just as Ky had suggested. However, if an offer from HYBE—a great one—was being offered, then I definitely want to take it. I just hoped Sihyuk would be involved somehow.

Sihyuk continued speaking, “The two of us spoke a while back about me throwing your name to the board. They’re looking to sign an established artist on their new subsidiary in America before they form their newest girl group. You countered that you want me to run that subsidiary. However, I’m not willing to leave Big Hit and/or run another company. I am, though, willing to meet you halfway,” he said with a smile.

I stayed calm, waiting.

“I can offer you a place at Big Hit Music. You would have full ownership to your masters, as you have always requested in your contracts, and would call the shots to how your music is released.”

I wanted to immediately say yes to the deal, but I wouldn’t be the successful artist I am today if I wasn’t brilliant at handling my contracts. There was a catch for this, I could feel it. “What would HYBE need from me to have this deal?”

Sihyuk warm smile did not waiver, though. “I am fully in charge of Big Hit Music—HYBE has no control over who I decide to sign onto my record label.”

“Then why did you talk to the heads of the board?” I asked.

“Because even though I am the one in charge of Big Hit, my interest is still with HYBE. Having you join us would benefit the entire corporation. It’s a good thing to include the board because in the meeting I made a mention how you could still be a potential mentor to any girl group they decide to form—both present and future ones. CEO of ADOR, Heejin-nim, was part of the meeting and she was quite supportive of the idea. Even asked if she could be the first to use your assistance with her girl group debuting next year. Being part of HYBE allows you the freedom to go through countless rooms—especially under Big Hit. I know you enjoy being a songwriter and I saw how influential you were with Bangtan at the beginning of their careers. You could continue writing for other artists under HYBE and could help lead the new generation of artists.”

I turned to Ky, who was doing his best from smiling so wide. I could feel the thrill coming off of him. “What do you think?”

Ky gave a slight shrug. “You’re the boss.”

I took a breath, thought a moment, and made a quick decision. “There are a few things I need to tell you first, though.”

Sihyuk nodded and leaned forward. “Tell me.”

**********

I had left the meeting with Sihyuk with a plan mapped out. It happened fast and quickly. I barely had enough time to tell Ky about it. He had thoughts on it, but I didn’t give him a chance to voice them. I had a limited time to get all of this done. Like a bandage, I needed to rip it off fast. It was the only way to deal with it.

The first part of this plan was to meet with my mother. I hadn’t spoken to her since our argument weeks ago. Following my meeting with Sihyuk, I messaged her about wanting to meet. She was the first person I needed to straighten things with.

I was walking on my family’s farm early the next morning. I could feel my nerves work their way through me. Taking breaths, I did my best to calm myself.

My mother immediately answered the door. She didn’t have a smile on her face, but she also didn’t give her usual criticism upon seeing me. So…improvement?

She led the way to the kitchen, already having a coffee pot ready.

I served myself. “Where’s my dad?”

My mom took a sip of her coffee. “Went for a ride.”

I didn’t know my father very well but knew that whenever he went on one of his horse rides, he was gone for hours. My mother and I would be alone for a while. I would have wanted to also talk to him, but I needed to take what I could get.

Taking my cup of coffee to the kitchen island, I took a seat and went straight to it.

“I was dating Namjoon for three months,” I confessed to my mother.

She frowned at me, not understanding. “Who?”

She had always been bad with names. It didn’t anger me she didn’t know who I was referring to. “Namjoon is part of Bangtan, the friends I invited to Thanksgiving dinner.”

My mother gave a nod, understanding. “Is he the one who's invited you over to his family’s home for Korean New Year’s?”

I was genuinely surprised she remembered. “Yes.”

My mother took another sip of her coffee. “I had a feeling something was going on between you for the last two years. Whenever you call us from Korea, you always talk about him. His name never sticks, though.”

“Nothing happened between the two of us for the longest time. Not until some months ago.” It felt good to admit my relationship with Namjoon. It solidified it. Like it was something real and not something I had dreamed. I hadn’t seen him in so long that it was starting to feel like a fairy tale from long ago. A fairy tale I was longing to relive.

“So, what happened? You said you were dating him,” my mother asked.

“He broke it off. I closed off,” I admitted. “He wanted more and I couldn’t give it to him.”

“Same thing that happened to Jerry?”

I frowned, thrown off once again.

My mother gave me a sad smile. “I may not know you as well as Jia does, but I can see the person you are. You’ve always been very closed off. Jerry was always friendly and a good man. You’ve always been guarded. It was only a matter of time before you and Jerry broke up.”

We went silent. My mother’s words echoed, moving something within me. I took a breath and continued with the task I had given myself. “Do you know why I’m so guarded?”

My mother didn’t answer, but her eyes stayed on me. There was a fragileness there. A weakness and almost fear. I knew she knew what was coming next. She was preparing herself.

I found the courage to say aloud the words I had been needing to voice for years. “Since I was young, I felt I only had myself to rely on. I didn’t feel protected or safe to be vulnerable. Vic and Seb were older and never home—they also never felt protected with the two of you. It was years before they started taking me with them wherever they went, wanting to protect me from the chaos. But the damage had been done. I saw the violence and felt the fear.”

There was a stream of tears coming down my mother’s face and weirdly, none were coming from me. My voice was steady and calm despite the fact that my insides were trembling. It was frightening to admit all of this out loud to one of the people who had caused me the most damage.

I continued speaking, not wanting to lose my momentum. “My teen years and twenties were spent with shitty guys who treated me like crap. There was violence in them because I thought it was normal—I learned from my childhood. It wasn’t until I started surrounding myself with good people—good men—that I became aware of the toxicity I was living in. I didn’t want it anymore. I wanted more.”

My mother nodded, still crying, but she finally spoke. “I knew what we were doing was horrible. I saw that drinking lead the two of us to become monsters to each other. I saw the…” she let out a sob and it took her a moment to continue. “I saw how scared we made you three kids.” Her eyes were bloodshot, and filled with pain and agony, and regret as she stared at me. “I knew we were doing wrong, but I didn’t know how to stop myself.”

As my petite mother sobbed and let out her regrets, I just sat there, looking at her. A part of me felt bad for the emotions she was going through. A part of me knew this was all generational trauma. My mother never spoke of her childhood, but I was certain she grew up in an abusive household. While I had a good relationship with my grandparents, I had always been aware that my mother was never able to stay in the same room as her parents. I noticed the hatred. I caught on to the bitter tone my grandparents would use towards my mother, whereas opposed to me, the tone was kind and sweet. A part of me felt bad for that small child that lived inside my mother that lived through far greater nightmares than mine, but the bigger part of me was unmoved. Not because I didn’t care, but because it was difficult to think of herhurt when I had my own demons I was fighting. I didn’t want to hug her and tell her it was ok because it wasn’t. Things weren't ok. We were broken. She needed to feel her feelings, just as I had to feel mine.

“I honestly thought quitting drinking was going to fix everything,” my mother admitted after calming down a little. “The fights stopped, at least. And it got me to finally start talking to you kids, but…there’s still so much more.”

It was true. My parents had stopped drinking some years back. I never considered them alcoholics. Their fights would occur with or without a bottle in their hands, but things definitely got more intense with alcohol. I wasn’t sure what it was that caused my parents to quit, but my mother was right that it had fixed a lot of things. They no longer argued. My mom did actively talk to us now. But as she had said, there was still so much more. To say. To fix. To heal.

And I wasn’t sure if I had the patience or care to deal with that right now. “It’s been three decades of this, Madre. And I’m not sure if I have the energy to continue trying.”

My mother looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I need a break from you guys. I not only need physical space from you like a couple of years back, but I need emotional space.”

“Is this because of the whole Chad thing?” she asked. “Because I’m insisting you press charges? Mija, I’m only wanting what’s best for you.”

Irritation came to the surface. “My assault is something I’m dealing with in my own way, Madre. It is my decision. If I decide later to press charges, it’s because I will want to. I’m trying to move past Chad. I’m trying to move past the whole goddamn label because I know they know about him and are covering for him. I want to continue with my life. A new phase.”

“And what does that new phase entail?” she asked, almost looking scared of the answer.

I don’t tell her about my entire plan in full detail; I just tell her the parts I believe she should know. She is still the person who birthed me and a part of me still holds some respect for her.

We talked for a bit longer, she gave me professional advice and I listened. She brought up good points and I took notes. My mother might not have been great for me emotionally, but professionally, she was a great mentor.

After speaking about my musical life, the talk died down and we were both quiet.

“I’m grateful for Jia,” my mother said into the silence. She had my full attention. “Even as kids, she felt like my guardian angel. When things got hard at home, I would sneak off to her house. Her home was like a shelter for me. Her parents were always sweet. Made me feel safe in their presence.” My mother stared out of the window as if she was reliving old, forgotten days. Tears streamed down. “She saved me in so many ways. I’m glad she was able to be an angel for you as well. And I’m grateful you recognize you need something different. Something more. Those Korean boys were the extra help you needed, I think, to stop the cycle.”

My silent tears joined hers at hearing this.

She might be right. With the guys being in my life, I saw how real men were supposed to be and I refused to lower the bar. It wasn’t a surprise I had fallen for one of the Bangtan members. And I was lucky he loved me back.

I just hoped my plan worked.

A little bit later, I finally left my mother’s house. We gave our goodbyes and I drove off without looking back.

I had said the most important things I wanted to my mother. I would have wanted to have said more, but I was on a time crunch. A part of me was disappointed my mother never apologized for her past mistakes, but as I drove home, I thought about whether I really needed her to be sorry. If I needed her to say the words. She had never made excuses for her mistakes, never got defensive, and never got angry at my accusations. She accepted them. Allowed me to let out what I needed to let out. That’s what I needed.

Had she apologized to me, what would I have said back? I wasn’t ready to work on my relationship with her. There was another relationship that took priority. Her apologies would come later…maybe. That was a journey that was fully hers.

*************

“Do you think this is a good deal?” Dr. Rob asked.

We were currently doing a video call later that day. He was out of the state and with his family for the holidays. I felt a little bad for taking his time away from his family. He shouldn’t have to deal with work. However, he insisted it was ok. I had messaged him an SOS right after talking to Sihyuk, needing advice on how to handle this, not knowing he was on vacation. He was off in the mountains but said he could make time.

I didn’t want to waste too much of his time, so as soon as we started the video call, I told him about the talk I had with my mother. We went over it a little; he was proud I had finally taken the step of being honest with her.

But, I didn't want to waste too much time on my mother. I didn't have much time with Dr. Rob, so I wanted to spend it wisely. I turned the focus of the conversation to the deal. I didn’t give any specific details, obviously, but an overall view of it.

“I really trust the executive that’s offering the deal,” I said genuinely. “I don’t see myself signing with anyone here in the States. I’m constantly being blocked. But also, I like this label. I’ve worked with these people during my time in Korea. It would be a good change.”

“And it would place you back in Korea…next to Namjoon,” Dr. Rob added. “Is that where you want to be?”

“I do. I want to work things out with him. It’ll be difficult to do that here in California.”

“You’re right. So…what’s stopping you?”

I didn’t hesitate to answer, “Nothing.”

“Do you feel ready to go back?”

“No,” I said honestly. “But I feel if I waste any more time, it’ll only get more difficult.”

“What will happen with your sessions?” he asked, curiously.

“Would we be able to proceed through video calls?”

“We could. You would have to really commit, Maya. We’ve done this before. You did very well at first and then…you let it go.”

“I know. But I’ll continue it this time. I have a lot of work to do and I want to continue working on me.”

Dr. Rob smiled at me. “Good to hear. Well, it seems like you have your mindset. Was I really needed?” he asked with a slight chuckle.

“Well, I was wondering if you have any advice before I go.”

Dr. Rob thought for a moment, then finally let out, “Follow Jerry’s advice.”

“Jerry?” I asked, thrown off by the sudden mention of my ex.

“His words to you when the two of you met for the last time before you left for Korea.”

I thought back to the memory.

Jerry came over to my face for a final meeting. We hadn’t spoken at all since the breakup. After I rejected his proposal, he immediately took a flight out of Honduras, which was where we were staying. He sent a friend a week later to my house to pick up his few possessions. I didn’t have much at his place, so I never bothered in picking my stuff up. Now, months later and we were meeting again, feeling it was only right if I gave him closer.

I felt I owed it to him and our past relationship to have that one last conversation. Out of all my boyfriends, he had treated me well. Maybe he didn't love me the way I wanted and needed, but he still cared for me.

It didn't take long for the apologies to start. A few tears made their way down. I wanted to tell him about my assault so he could understand—but why would it matter? Ultimately, the assault had not been why we broke up. He didn’t need to know.

A couple of hours later, it seemed we both had closure.

I escorted him out and right as we got to the front door, we shared a final hug.

As he pulled away, he looked at me with the saddest eyes. “Can I give you a bit of advice?”

His tone sounded a bit strange. I nodded.

“When the right guy comes around, don’t be afraid to let him in.”

I frowned, still confused.

He explained himself. “You tend to keep people at bay, never fully letting them in. These last few months I’ve been thinking more about it. While you did share with me things about you, I think I might have dismissed them. I don’t think I gave you the full attention you deserved. Hell, I failed to remember how much you hated diamonds. Yet, I still proposed to you with one.” His eyes were misty while looking at me. “I think you think there isn’t a point in sharing your thoughts and emotions because you don't think your guy will care. If I, your guy, can’t seem to remember the small things about you, what’s the point of telling me the deeper information?”

It was the first time I felt fully seen by Jerry. He had just voiced something about myself that very much played in the back of my head. I didn’t like that he was seeing me.

He gave me a small smile. “I wish you luck in finding a better guy. Let him in.” He leaned over and pecked my forehead, leaving immediately after.

“If you don’t have full transparency with him from the beginning, it won’t work out, Maya,” Dr. Rob said after helping me remember what my last meeting with Jerry had been like.

I nodded. “I know.”

“So, when do you leave?”

***********

“Well, at least we had you for the holidays. It would have been nice to have you here a little longer,” Tia Jia said.

I was in the passenger’s seat driving to the airport and she was driving. “I know. I’m sorry.”

She sent me a smile. “Don’t be. I’m just happy that you’re going after what you really want.”

“Thank you, by the way,” I said genuinely.

“Oh, sweetie. It’s nothing. I’m retired. What else am I doing?” she asked with a chuckle. She thought I meant I was thanking her for the ride to the airport, but that was far from it.

“I mean for everything, tia. For thirty years, you’ve been the mom I’ve really needed.” I had told her this before—dozens of times, I had thanked her. But it always made me emotional, thanking her.

She got emotional, too. She reached out and took my hand. “I love you.”

I squeezed her hand back. “Love you, too.”

"Do you know how Namjoon, Yoongi, Jin, and Unnie have been?" my tia asked, changing the subject, but giving my hand another squeeze before letting me go.

"Yoongi says they're ok. Just feels like a really bad cold. Yoongi kind of hinted at Namjoon not having such intense symptoms. At least that's what it sounds like Namjoon told him," I said with uncertainty. While I believe Yoongi would never lie to me, I wouldn't put it pass Namjoon in sugarcoating his symptoms to the members. He didn't like concerning anyone, so he easily dodged questions so they wouldn't know what he was actually going through. It was hard to tell how he was actually feeling without anyone actually physically seeing.

Before my mind wandered and worried about Namjoon, my phone began to buzz. I looked down and noticed who it was.

“Is that him?” my tia asked.

I nodded. I had finally gotten the courage to open KakaoTalk to reach out to the individual I really needed to talk to. But it had been to just send him an SOS. I wanted to talk to him through voice, rather than through text. However, I didn’t think it would take him this long to respond.

“Hey, thanks for calling back,” I said as I answered the call.

“Of course, noona. Sorry I didn’t answer sooner. I’m in Busan with my family and don’t use my phone on purpose. How are you?” Jimin’s voice sounded concerned.

“I need a favor,” I said, needing to beat around the bush before I get to the airport.

“What is it?” asked Jimin.

I told him my situation.

-----------------------------------------

NOTE: What's going to happen next????  👀👀👀😂

It will be another 2 weeks until the next update. The last chapter is being a little punk with me 😅. I think if I do a biweekly post for the last two chapters, it'll help me to not rush the story. Honestly, the chapters are done, it's just one big important part that is being difficult.

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

It had taken more than one session for me to tell the full story to Dr. Rob. There were pieces I couldn’t remember; I had to ask Yoongi to help me fill in the gaps. Dr. Rob continued to ask questions—wanting more details in certain parts of the stories.

“You and Namjoon didn’t start getting close until after your move to Korea, right?” Dr. Rob asked, looking down at his notes, and wrote something down.

“Yes.”

“That was two years after you two reconciled?”

I nodded.

He took a long pause and looked to consider something before talking again. “You describe your friendship with Jin as playful and platonic. When did you start feeling close to him? You mentioned Jungkook, Jin, and Namjoon were the last ones you still hadn't gotten close to.”

It didn’t seem odd that Dr. Rob was asking me questions about my friendship with the other guys. He had been asking similar questions throughout the last two sessions as I told him the story of Namjoon and my fight. However, I was interested in how all of this mattered with my relationship with Namjoon—and even more so, how it tied to the walls I put up.

“I think it was after Namjoon and my fight. The guys went on vacation days after. Jin and I messaged each other a lot. He sent me a lot of silly photos of their trip. There’s a video of Yoongi being drunk and Jin convincing him to perform a girl group song all on his own,” I said, laughing at the memory. I still had the video and watched it whenever I wanted a good laugh.

Dr. Rob gave a nod and noted something else. “So, it’s right to say that out of all the guys, Namjoon was the last one you became friends with?”

I nodded.

“And that it took two years longer than the rest of the guys?”

And then I finally caught on to what he might be implying. “Do you think I kept Namjoon at a distance after we reconciled?”

Dr. Rob shrugged. “In those two years, before he called you during your panic attack, did you guys exchange messages with each other—just as friends, nothing to do with work?”

Thinking deeply, I couldn’t give him an answer. I couldn’t remember.

“You said on multiple occasions that your friendship with Namjoon really took off after he helped you through your panic attack. That was two years after your fight. Perhaps in those previous years, deep within you, you held onto that fight,” Dr. Rob suggested.

After taking a step back and considering Dr. Rob’s words, I spoke up. “You mean to say, subconsciously I’m unable to trust Namjoon because of that fight? All those years ago?”

“It might be multilayered,” Dr. Rob answered. “There’s the hurt from the fight. You thought of him as a friend and entrusted him with information about yourself that was very personal only to find out he didn’t think of you as a friend back. That created trust issues. Then there’s the layer of your view of friends and partners—you trust your friends with your emotions, but with your partners, you’re very guarded. In the past, you felt shame in sharing emotions. You were ridiculed by your exes. You were made fun of and dismissed by them. There's also the layer of Namjoon reacting similarly to those exes. He made a judgment of your sexuality. You shared personal information with him, believing it was safe for you to do so, only for him to throw it to your face. And then there’s the possibility that you’re self-sabotaging this relationship.

“After years of unhealthy relationships, this bond with Namjoon seems very alien to you. Your fight or flight responses are kicking in—making you want to run off or do whatever you can to drive Namjoon off. You did it years ago when you guys were only friends—or colleagues. You wanted to rid him of your life before he had another chance to hurt you. And then you did it the night of your break up. Rather than stay while the argument is happening, or wait for him to come back, you took off.”

I let Dr. Rob’s words sink in. I thought carefully about what he had observed, but something wasn’t sitting right with me. “I know Namjoon would never treat me the same as my exes, though. There’s not an ounce of meanness in his body.”

“Then why did it hurt so much when he said you ‘give it up easily’?” Dr. Rob challenged.

I was too stunned to respond. He had a point there. Those words had brought out emotions that were familiar. Emotions I hadn't felt since my last asshole ex.

Dr. Rob’s face softened as he looked straight at me. “I’m not saying Namjoon’s cruel. I’m saying he’s human. Everyone makes mistakes. We’re all capable of saying things we don’t mean when we’re angry and regret it later. It’s not an excuse. But it’s important for you not to put him on a pedestal. Because there’s only one way he can go when he makes a mistake: down.”

“I put Namjoon on a pedestal?” I asked, taken aback by his use of the word.

“I think you do. It goes along with your belief you’re not his ‘exception’. You said, and I quote,” he looked down at his notes and read, “‘He knows how to make everyone feel special. I don’t think I’m an exception'. You are the one who put emphasis on ‘everyone’.” Dr. Rob stared at me for a while, allowing the words to sink in. “He must be extraordinary to make everyone feel special. And that’s how you see him: extraordinary. But after the two occasions he messed up, walls come up which blocked this extraordinary person from coming in and knowing you—someone who can be hisexception.”

I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt wetness on my lap. I wiped the tears off and internally screamed at myself. Dr. Rob’s analysis of me was making complete sense and answered so many questions. And it was angering me. “Why am I doing that to him?”

“It’s a defense mechanism, Maya,” Dr. Rob said gently. “Your entire childhood, your emotions weren’t protected. Your primitive role models neglected every emotion you had. Your physical needs were met, but your emotional ones were not. You don’t see yourself as special outside of your musical talents. You’re rejecting him before he can reject you. Just take a look at your response just now: ‘Why am I doing that to him?’ Rather than trying to figure out why you’re doing this to yourself, you keep thinking of him. I’m not saying not to think of him—but you must put your emotional needs in higher regard.”

“How do I stop doing that?” I asked.

“Hard work—like last time,” he said.

I took a breath. I remember that hard work. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting. But it had been worth it. I felt more centered and whole the more sessions I had with Dr. Rob. I was ready to have that feeling again.

*************

I arrived at my house with the clear determination to head straight to bed; however, Yoongi was having none of that.

“I made budae jjigae,” he said, leading me from the living room to the kitchen.

Pouting and almost stomping my feet, I followed. “Where are Kiwoo and Dal?” I asked, referring to the two Big Hit staff who were also staying at the house.

“Taking a nap. We were out the entire day.”

“Is Ky being a good chauffeur?” I asked as we arrived at the kitchen island. “Be sure you’re getting your money’s worth with that stingy ass.”

Yoongi chuckled. “Today he asked for seafood.”

“He really has no shame. Don’t tell me you got him VIP passes for your show in Seoul.”

“I did.”

“That cheap, son of a bitch needs to start paying for stuff. You should have given him nosebleed seats.”

“He took us to a Clippers game again. We took normal seats, though. No press noticed, so I was able to enjoy the game.”

“Did he buy?”

“Why do you think we had normal seats?” Yoongi asked with a smile.

Figures. Kyong would never pay for floor seats.

I took a seat as Yoongi went to the stove.

“So, how did it go today?” he asked, taking a bowl, and starting to serve me.

I gave a stretch and let out a groan. “There was a lot to unpack.”

Giving a brief summary of the session and what Dr. Rob had analyzed, Yoongi listened intently. He gave little nods here and there, agreeing mostly with Dr. Rob’s words.

“Do you think I put Namjoon on a pedestal?” I asked Yoongi after I was done telling him about Dr. Ron’s analysis.

There was a moment of quietness as Yoongi looked to think about his next words. “Namjoonie is quite the individual. Brilliant, talented, and hardworking. It’s impossible to know him and not notice how special he is. Before even meeting him, I was told how gifted he was. I was jealous, I won’t lie. I hadn’t even met the guy and everyone around me was praising this son of a bitch like he was the next Tablo. But then I met him, and I understood what the hype was about. I wasn’t about to admit it, though," he said with a laugh as he remembered.

I smiled back a little. Namjoon and Yoongi's relationship had been quite intense from the beginning. Looking at them, one wouldn't understand how they could ever belong in the same group; let alone, live together 24/7.

Yoongi let out a sigh, his face going back to serious. "That jealousy didn't last long, though. You know why?”

“Why?” I asked, hanging onto his every word.

“I saw the weight he carried. I saw the light he brought to everyone’s eyes. And I witnessed the damage it caused him when people realized he was only a man. He would make a mistake and the way they looked at Namjoonie completely changed. And disappointing others was one of Namjoonie’s worst fears. He was only 17 and he was carrying so much shit. I was grateful that wasn’t me. But I felt empathy for the poor kid.

“For over a decade, I have seen how people look at him like he’s a god. At stadiums, fan meetings, crowds, and random people in public. He’s up on a pedestal to countless individuals. I’ve seen it with some of the guys as well. But I don’t think I’ve seen that look as intense as I’ve seen it in you.”

I took it in, opening myself up to accepting it. “I didn’t know I was doing it. It’s not fair to him,” I said.

Yoongi let out a heavy sigh. “It’s not fair for you either, Maiwa. Dr. Rob is right: you need to start considering your emotional needs.”

I nodded, agreeing with him. I had done it again without realizing it.

“Did Dr. Rob recommend any exercises for that? Give you any homework?” Yoongi asked.

I had and I told Yoongi what they were. “He said I should also get back to writing.”

Yoongi frowned at my use of words. “You haven’t written?”

I shook my head.

“On purpose?”

Nod.

“Why?”

Dr. Rob had asked me the same question. When Yoongi asked it, I reacted the same. Nerves started to kick in. I disliked talking about my emotions, especially when it dealt with my vulnerabilities. “I’ve been too scared to. I reach for a pen or pencil, but then I start panicking. Dr. Rob thinks it’s still tied to my fear. Writing about that night will open up the floodgates to everything I’ve been holding in about him.”

There was a long silence.

I had said a lot and was too chicken shit to say more.

But Yoongi dared to ask. “What have you been holding in?”

A heaviness in my chest appeared. I felt the tears coming before they escaped my eyes. Thinking about this made me feel fucking scared. It was a fear I had always felt but suppressed. But Namjoon had brought it to the surface. In the months we had been together, he had managed to fish it out of me.

But I was reacting like a fish would once it was brought to the surface—suffocated, struggling, fighting to get back in the water. Craving to swim back deep into the sea that was full of darkness. It was a darkness that I was familiar with; however dangerous it might be. But there was no way I could go back. Namjoon’s hook would not let me go.

Warm arms held me, giving me a bit of oxygen as I struggled here on the surface.

“Perhaps it would be better to let it out on paper first,” Yoongi said gently.

I stayed in his embrace for a while, needing some time to calm down. Once I was settled, I made my way up the stairs and forced myself to go to my small office slash mini studio.

Deciding I wasn’t going to hide anymore, I decided to write.

Making my way to my stool, I took out one of my journals and grabbed my favorite guitar. I let my fingers do the work. My voice was shit, but I still hit the record button, not allowing myself to pause. For an hour, I let the mic pick up everything.

Didn’t know how to tell you the truth/ Don’t know why I do what I do/ Don’t know what I’m trying to prove/ Want to know the reasons why I do what I do

 I care for you/ But I’ve acted a fool

 Need a shot glass in my fist/ So I can spill away all my business/ Telling this stranger about you/ I ’m getting too personal

 Can they tell I’ve been crying all night/ I told myself I don’t care for you/ But I know it’s a lie/ Because I do

**************

As much as I was grateful for Yoongi being there, he couldn't stay forever. His departure day had finally arrived.

He allowed me to hug him, making me promise to call him if I needed a friend.

It was hard to see him go, but it was good for me. I needed time by myself to collect my thoughts. Needed to be left alone to write and sing freely. Dr. Rob had been right. Now that I had gotten back to my art, I felt more grounded. The fear I had was starting to get more tolerable.

The day after Yoongi left, I was back at Dr. Rob’s office.

We were in the middle of another session when he caught onto something I had said and he was wanting me to further explain myself.

We were going over the breakup night again and I made a mention how I was silly in trying to hide my fight with my mother in the bathroom. I should have known better than to think Namjoon wouldn’t know I was lying to him. He always knew when I was lying, he knew me too damn well.

“Why is it such a bad thing that he knows you so well?” Dr. Rob asked, curiously. “Every time you say or hint towards how well Namjoon knows you, you have this look on your face. Like you don’t like it.”

“I don’t,” I said honestly, tugging at the ends of my shirt.

“Why is that?”

“I don’t know…. Namjoon always seems to know what’s going on in my head before I do. It’s a little scary.”

Dr. Rob was quiet for a moment as he looked through his notes. “I remember an ex of yours—I believe he was your first serious relationship. You described him as—and I quote, ‘a sick fuck who knew me so well, he knew what to say and do to embarrass and belittle me. It didn’t matter if we were alone or in public, but he had this special power that made him able to read people—especially me—very well. And he used it all for evil.’”

I remembered that ex. He was my first serious boyfriend. He never hit me, but he certainly used words to fuck me up. But Namjoon had never made me feel that way. “Namjoon would never use my secrets against me.”

Dr. Rob gave me a long look before presenting me with an interesting viewpoint. “On the night of your breakup, Namjoon telling you, you ‘gave it up so easily’ made you feel negative. You had entrusted him with something very intimate about your past sexual experiences. You felt safe to do so and that night, he used it against you," he reminded me.

I don't know why I kept forgetting that part.

“Again, Namjoon is human. You need to see him as so. Negating his faults is not fair to him or you,” Dr. Rob said. “He hurt you with those words. Whether he intended to or not. And it’s ok to be upset with him for it.”

I nodded, understanding. “It’s definitely something I’m going to need to talk to him about. It’s just…I don’t like being angry with him. I don’t think I have ever been upset with him for too long—even during our big fight all those years ago. I mostly was hurt but didn’t feel furious with him. Thinking about talking to him regarding this makes me feel anxious, to be honest.”

“I don’t remember you having anxiety when you met with your ex after your breakup. You met with him shortly after starting sessions with me. You wanted closure with him and you seemed pretty relaxed about it. Namjoon is different.”

“He is.”

Dr. Rob stared at me for a long while. “Being upset with Namjoon won’t make you care for him any less. And you care for him a lot.”

I nodded in agreement.

Once again, he was quiet. “I think you know what I’m indirectly saying when I use that word….”

My heart began to race because I do know what he was alluding to. And I knew he was going to make me say it. Because in the many sessions, we had had the past three weeks, I hadn’t said it.

“Well….” He pressed.

I took a breath. I knew I needed to let it out. I needed to face it. Namjoon had always made me feel so incredibly vulnerable and even though he wasn’t here, it certainly felt like he could hear me; as if he was waiting for the words.

 “I love him,” I admitted, feeling my chest crack as I did.

I went through a series of emotions. I was a blubbering mess for a good while. “I’ve never said it first. It always took me months to say it back when my past boyfriends said it to me.”

“Similar to the question I asked earlier about the problem you have with Namjoon knowing you so well: why is it such a bad thing to admit the feeling? Why not ever say it first?”

It took a long moment for me to admit it. I had always known the answer, discovered it a while back right after my breakup with Jerry, but had never let anyone know. “It seems silly, but it feels as if I was giving away a vulnerability as soon as I say it. And I don’t like feeling vulnerable.”

Dr. Rob nodded. “Makes sense you hate feeling vulnerable. If you did, who could you turn to? You’ve shared the stories of the rare times you sought help from your parents only to be brushed away—made to think your emotions were unimportant. It's the fear of being abandoned and/or rejected. It’s manifested into your adulthood and your adult relationships. You allow people in, but only up to a certain point. You draw a line. It was the root of your and Jerry’s problems. You didn't let Jerry in. And now you're doing it with Namjoon.”

A rotten thought made its way into my insecurity. “Jerry wanted to stay,” I pointed out. “He proposed even though we had our problems. Does that mean he loved me more than Namjoon?” The thought was enough to make it feel like a knife was cutting straight into me. To think Namjoon didn’t love me the way I wanted him to….

Dr. Rob took a moment before answering. “That’s one way you can look at it. Or you can look at it like Namjoon knows his worth. Knows that a relationship that isn’t open and honest will fail. He doesn’t want a failed relationship with you.”

He had a point there. Namjoon was fully confident in his worth; he had moments of low self-esteem but would never stay in a situation that would cause him damage.

“How do you think he feels about you?” Dr. Rob asked.

With every fiber in my body, I was certain I knew the answer. It had been a while since I had known the answer. It thrilled me to know it but terrified me. “He loves me.”

“Has he told you he loved you?”

I shook my head, wiping away some tears and keeping my head slightly down.

“Why do you think he hasn’t said it first?”

It was another answer I knew and it broke my heart to know it. “Because he knew how I would react. He was afraid of scaring me off.”

“So you know him just as well as he knows you,” Dr. Rob observed.

We were quiet for a moment. I bathed in the feeling I had admitted those words out loud. Bathed in the scary notion that Namjoon possessed a part of me that no longer belonged to solely me. My heart hadn’t been my own in a while and facing that fact was causing me to go through some frightening emotions.

“Your past boyfriends always judged your male friendships. It was one of the reasons why the relationships didn’t work out. Their accusations would make you angry, and defensive. That’s how you handled disagreements in the past. With Namjoon, you closed up. Like you did many years ago. Back then, he’s the one who messed up and he did his best to correct it.”

“Now I need to correct things. I need to open up,” I concluded.

“If you want a relationship with him—or anyone, for that matter—you’re going to have to. At least, a healthy one.”

“I want to fix things,” I said with determination.

I had messed up this time. It was my turn to correct it. And to correct it, I needed to view these emotions I had for Namjoon as something not scary. Because it wasn’t. It shouldn’t be.

********

AN: So, I woke up sick! Thankfully, I worked on most of the editing on this chapter earlier in the week. That being said, I'm not sure I'll have enough strength and/or time to go over the next chapter before next Friday. I might either post late on the weekend (depending on how I feel) or just take my time with it and post Chapter 28 in two weeks...

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

I had driven to their hotel with my ex in the passenger seat. I honestly didn’t know why I invited him to go with me. Maybe I thought it would make him less pouty about me hanging out with guy friends. He had an issue with every friend I had that was of the opposite sex. And when I told him I would be hanging out with seven guys, he was a whining nightmare. I felt obligated to invite him.

Out of all my bad boyfriends, he was the worst. At the time, I didn’t think our relationship was unhealthy. We weren’t as extreme as my parents were, so in my eyes, we were stable. We didn’t throw heavy or dangerous items at each other. That was a plus.

The entire drive to the hotel had been quite unbearable. The argument just kept escalating. By the time we arrived at the parking lot, he was at the peak of yelling.

“If you don’t want to be here—you don’t have to,” I said to him, putting my car in park.

“So, you’re gonna hang out the entire night with a bunch of guys without your boyfriend there? That’s disrespectful,” he said loudly as I got out of my car.

“They’re just my friends,” I said back for maybe the tenth time.

“It looks like you’re their call girl,” he said loudly as he made his way toward me.

I knew other people were in the parking lot with us, but I didn’t dare look up. It wasn't our first argument in public; I was certain we had their full attention. I didn’t want to see the looks, so I kept my eyes away and did my best to keep my voice down.

“Fuck off,” I muttered to him.

He got to me and grabbed my arm, pulling me tightly towards him.

This physical maneuver was pretty common that my body reacted automatically. I pushed him off with vigor. “If you’re gonna be acting like an ass, then it’s best you don’t go.”

“This is gonna come out on the tabloids—you meeting them in their room. You’re gonna look like a whore to those—”

He used a term that ignited something in me. Angered me and made me see red. It changed everything. Up until that point, I had brushed off my ex’s verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. I didn’t see it as abuse back then because I always physically pushed him back—I, too, used words to call him names. Everything about his behavior had been excusable back then, but not the term he used. The term made me see him for what he really was: a racist, homophobic piece of shit.

I had never felt angrier at another person than at that moment. I couldn’t understand how I was ever with a guy that was like this—someone who would say such a vile thing.

“What’s wrong with you?! Why would you say that? They’re seven of the kindest people. They would never allow something like that to come out. Unlike you, they’re real fucking men. So go fuck off. We’re done. Find your way back home.”

I turned to leave as he said some obnoxious thing behind me, but I didn’t listen. He wasn’t worth it. Plus, I didn’t want to show up at the guys’ room upset.

From the corner of my eye, I could tell the people on the other side of the parking lot were making their way toward us. I didn’t want to get involved with other people, so I dodged away and left in the opposite direction. I would take the long way up to the hotel.

I sent a message to Hoseok letting him know I was on my way up. After getting into the hotel, I made sure to go into one of the restrooms and calmed myself down. Minutes later, I got to their floor and was met with a group of their team that welcomed me and guided me to Hoseok’s room.

Stepping inside, I was welcomed by sweet smiles. Most of the guys were there.

Hugging all of them, we settled into the room and hung out.

Even though I was friendly with them, I was most close with Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, and Suga. Jin, Jungkook, and RM were still quiet around me. Hoseok had invited me, convinced it was only a matter of time before I fully blended with the other guys.

So, there we were, all of us minus Namjoon, having drinks. Jin was talking a little more, which I appreciated. He was making jokes and keeping things light.

Jimin and he were bickering for a moment, which made me laugh.

Jin stared at me. “What?” I asked, curious about the look.

Jin smiled. “You’re like Hobi.”

Jimin nodded, agreeing. “I’ve said the same thing. There’s a reason they hit it off when we met.”

“They both laugh with their entire body; they're loud and push you when they laugh,” Suga added. “Hobi makes a lot of sound effects and Maya hums a lot.”

Taehyung nodded. “It’s almost like they were separated at birth.”

"Also, both are scary when they get angry," Jimin said with a teasing laugh.

Hoseok and I exchanged a look. We had discussed this with ourselves in the past. From the start of our friendship, we saw a lot of similarities in our personalities. I told him he must have been Latino in another life because his energy was starkly different than most Koreans I had met and aligned more with my culture.

“Maya and I were already having deep conversations within the first week of knowing each other,” Hoseok said. “We were even crying to each other.”

I nodded, remembering. “I think we were comparing the struggle of being an artist.”

Hobi agreed. “I was having trouble being far away from family and you were having trouble with a former boyfriend. I think you were missing him.”

I shook my head. “It wasn’t because I missed him. We were fighting. He was trying to make me feel guilty for always being on the road.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Hoseok said, his face falling a little. “Well, it’s a good thing he’s gone.”

I nodded. “I know how to pick them.” I grabbed the beer the guys had handed to me and took a sip, remembering the fight I had earlier with my now-ex.

“How are things with your current boyfriend?” asked Jimin carefully. “We thought he was coming with you.”

Looking around the room and seeing they all had their eyes on me felt a bit embarrassing. I would have felt comfortable talking more openly if only Hoseok, Jimin, Suga, and Taehyung were present. I didn’t want to lay all my baggage out in the open for Jin and Jungkook to see.

I took another sip of my beer, deciding to just give a little bit of truth. “We had a big fight in the parking lot. Decided to end things with him.”

They immediately began to voice their sympathies and give me comforting words.

“What was the argument about?” Taehyung asked as he soothed my arm.

At that moment, I heard the door open. I turned towards it and found RM walking in. The guys told me upon arriving that RM was taking a call from his girlfriend, which was why he had been missing since I had arrived.

RM caught my eye and gave me a greeting.

The dimples he displayed made butterflies suddenly appear in my stomach. Since meeting him, I had a small crush on the guy, but it always seemed to come in waves. The fact that he had a girlfriend made it easy to ignore whatever attraction I had for him.

“You don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable doing so,” Suga immediately commented, sending Tae a glance. The look contained a lot of words.

Taehyung pulled back a little, giving a small pout.

My heart tugged at seeing the scolding. Taehyung was only being considerate. I didn’t want to talk about the fight—feeling embarrassed and angry for what my ex had said, but I also didn’t want Taehyung to think he had done anything wrong. I wanted to let Suga know I was perfectly fine with being asked the question.

“It’s fine that he asked,” I told Suga. I turned to Taehyung, gaining the courage to suppress my uncomfortableness. “The fight was similar to many we’ve had. He thinks I’m unfaithful, believes I care too much about my career and hates that I have too many guy friends. He didn’t like me coming over. Thinks guys and girls can’t be friends.”

“Yes they can,” Jungkook said out of nowhere. He hadn’t spoken much the entire night.

Seven pairs of eyes turned to him.

With a full look of valor, Jungkook confidently said, “I think of you as my friend. What does he know about male and female friendships?”

“Thank you, Jungkookie,” I said with a smile.

The guys wore proud grins on their faces as they looked at their youngest member. He was growing up quite rapidly. The timid boy they all had come to raise was developing into a young man with full confidence.

While the guys felt pride for their maknae, I felt gratitude for what he said.

I looked around and noticed Jin’s eyes fall on me at the same time. He gave me a small smile, almost as if he was silently agreeing with Jungkook’s words. Like he, too, saw in me a friend.

A warmth spread through my chest at the feeling that the two of them saw me just as the other guys did: a friend.

I turned to Namjoon, who also wore a small smile.

But before I could decipher his look, Hoseok’s voice pulled me away.

“Mai-Mai, we have a confession to make to you.” Hoseok held my eyes, his face fully serious. It was almost scary to see him without his signature smile. “We saw you in the parking lot.”

I frowned, not understanding.

“We were there for your argument. We saw your ex grab you,” he said sadly.

Now, I understood. A feeling of embarrassment came over, realizing it had been them who had been there to witness it all. I had cussed and yelled—I had not been well-behaved. And I don’t know why, but in their eyes, I never wanted them to see the worst in me. And that moment in the parking lot was not my finest moment.

“We went over as soon as he grabbed you,” Jungkook said, a scowl on his face. “But you left before we could get to you.”

“We know the nasty words he said to you. And you don’t deserve that,” Jimin said, a similar look of anger on his face.

“Namjoonie made sure security escorted him out,” Suga said, assuredly. “We had some of our team stay behind to ensure he didn’t come back. Security of the hotel has been informed about him.”

I looked around, reading all of their faces as they gave me comforting words. The look of concern on all of their faces told me that they didn’t think I had misbehaved. They looked over my moments of anger and seemed to focus on my ex’s behavior toward me.

I was grateful they were concerned about me and even more that they were looking after me. I thanked them.

“Namjoonie told us what he said about us,” Jin said, his eyes right on me. “We want to thank you for being a good friend and standing up for us.”

A blush swept over my cheeks.

“We’re glad to call you our friend,” Teahyung said proudly.

My eyes went around the room again, seeing how they were all looking at me so kindly. They all gave small nods, agreeing with Taehyung’s words. The last one my eyes fell on was RM. He was the one I still wasn’t sure of in our friendship.

He gave me a half smile. “Thank you.”

I gave a slight nod, feeling uncomfortable. It was odd that I was being thanked for being a decent human being. Why were they making me feel as if I had done something so courageous?

“How are you feeling?” Jimin asked, worriedly.

I thought for a moment, not knowing how to answer. How was I feeling? I had never thought of that. My initial reaction was to say “angry”. But the anger faded after spending time with the guys. Seeing looks full of concern staring back at me, I wondered if there was something to be concerned about.

“You just broke up with your ex, it’s normal for you not to have processed everything yet. It’s ok,” Suga said calmly. “The sadness and loss and confusion will come when it comes.”

Suga and I had had plenty of deep conversations in the last year. He knew me almost as well as Hoseok did.

But now that he said it, I was now starting to feel those exact emotions: sadness, loss, and confusion. The fight replayed back in my mind and a concern popped into my head as I did this. “I don’t know why I keep choosing these assholes. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

We were all quiet for a long moment.

“What would he say to you?” Hobi asked as Jimin came over to hand me a tissue.

It was then I noticed I had been crying. I apologized as I took the tissue and thanked Jimin.

I felt slight embarrassment in the state I was in. But knowing I was in the comfort of a group of friends, I felt ok in sharing. “Stupid shit like I don’t know how to prioritize a relationship. I make him feel like a second choice. My clothing is too revealing—men are going to take advantage of me. I’ll get groped and it’ll be my fault.” I shook my head in disgust. “I would tell him to fuck off, but yet I still went back like an idiot.”

“You deserve someone who is going to always respect you,” Jin said. “Disagreements happen but respect should always be there.”

Jimin nodded. “If he’s not kind to you, then what’s the point in being with him? You should be with someone who is going to treat you right.”

Wiping away my tears, I kept my eyes down, still feeling shame.

“There, no need to cry over some loser,” Suga encouraged.

“Aw, if she wants to cry, let her cry,” RM said immediately.

“Yeah. What’s wrong with crying?” Jin challenged.

My heart warmed at the two of them defending me, even though Suga only meant well with his words.

“That’s not what I meant. I just mean she should save her tears for someone who's worth it. That piece of shit doesn’t deserve anything from her,” Suga said defensively.

“That doesn’t change how she feels about him. He might be an asshole, but that doesn’t take away the fact that she cared for him,” RM argued back.

Soon, the three of them were starting a nonsense argument as Jimin tried to interfere and calm all of them down. Hobi tried to crack a few jokes to diffuse the situation, but Taehyung and Jungkook sat closer to me and offered me some of the fried chicken that had now turned cold, They watched the entertainment with Cheshire smiles.

“It gets pretty juicy sometimes. Let’s hope Jimini and Hobi-hyung are unsuccessful,” Jungkook said as he took a bite of his chicken and giggled.

“Be sure to take cover if Yoongi-hyung gets ahold of a shoe, though,” Taehyung muttered.

I was about to ask for clarification on this, but all of a sudden Jimin’s voice pulled my attention back to the argument.

“Hyung, put that down!”

Suga had taken hold of a pillow and Jimin had his arms extended out, creating a small shield in front of a massive RM.

The look on RM and Suga’s faces was stern, but it was hard to take them seriously as the two evil maknaes next to me giggled like children. Jimin also looked like a tiny character; did he think he could protect RM? He was so tiny. Jin was currently sitting down and also enjoying the show with a wide smile. This was how I knew there was nothing to be too concerned about. Surely if things got too out of control, Jin would step in….. Right?

The argument didn’t escalate too much. Suga did end up throwing the pillow at RM, but less than a few minutes later things calmed down. From the look of things, this happened every now and then as they all continued as if nothing happened. Occasionally, Jimin and Jungkook would replay bits and pieces of RM and Suga's argument, finding it comical.

We all went back to discussing other things. As I continued to hang out with all of them throughout the night, it was like I went through a Grinch moment on Christmas day. I felt my heart grow three sizes that night. I don’t know why it felt this good to know I was great friends with all these individuals. What was it about these seven men that could make anyone think they could conquer the world?

*******

Even though I only got a few hours of sleep that night, I still felt energized the next day. There was a song I was working on with the rap line. There was a time crunch, so we only had a day in the studio. Whatever didn't get done today, we would have to do electronically—something my brother Seb and I both disliked doing. We liked working with an artist physically in a room together. Doing things through email and phone calls muddied up the work.

We had a lot of ground to cover. When the guys arrived at my brother's studio, they went directly to work. Even though the guys were a bit worn out, they still gave it their all as they recorded. They were used to the workload.

Thankfully, everything went smoothly and we got done everything we set out to do. This was mostly because we had worked together before and knew how to speed up the process without risking the quality of work.

After Suga and Hoseok were satisfied with their parts, they left for some rest. My brother also stepped away for an important call. He announced he would be back in an hour or two. RM, however, wanted to stay longer to go over the record a little more. I stayed behind to assist.

RM was a perfectionist, so I knew it would be a few hours before he was satisfied. I decided to order us pizza. However, it was another half hour after the pizza arrived that RM was finally satisfied with the day’s work.

As RM took a few slices and served the both of us, I went into my brother’s mini-fridge and pulled out a couple of beers. RM and I had a similar way of working: we didn’t drink while we recorded, only until after.

It was the first time we hung out alone. Usually, someone else was always in the room. Now considering him a friend, I didn’t feel discomfort. I started asking personal questions that I hadn’t before. The topic of old relationships came up and it led me to ask what caused his last breakup. I knew he was head over heels for his current girlfriend, but I was curious about his past rather than his present.

“We broke up because it felt like she disrespected me,” he said finally after I had pushed a little. He originally didn’t want to talk about it, but somehow I convinced him to talk about it. “She had too many guy friends that were too physical with her.”

I couldn’t help but feel similarities to the argument my ex and I had last night. While I didn’t want anything to do with my asshole ex, I certainly wanted to get a different viewpoint on girl and guy friendships. Maybe RM could give me a glimpse into my ex’s thought process. Maybe there was a different perspective I was missing. I mean, if two of them seemed to have a problem with me having a lot of guy friends, maybe there was an angle I wasn’t considering?

“So you broke up because of the guy friends she had?” I asked, curiously.

“It’s not that she had guy friends—it was how close she was with them. And how many of them she had. There’s just a way you behave with guys and another that you behave with a boyfriend. It shouldn’t be physical—that gets reserved for boyfriends.”

“Physical—how?”

“Hugging and touching too much.”

I thought about how my relationship with Hobi and Jimin. We goofed off a bit. They had tickled me a few times. I didn’t see the big deal.

“And also the type of things that are talked about. There are topics reserved for only significant others. Things you can discuss with friends of the same sex, but not the opposite sex.”

“Like what?”

He hesitated. “Personal stuff.”

“Like?” I pressed.

He was getting shy, avoiding eye contact. A slight blush came across his cheeks. “Just personal stuff.”

Sex. Koreans and their shyness on the topic, especially when talking to the opposite sex, let me know he was referring to this.

As I considered his perspective, I still didn’t feel swayed from my opinion on female and male friendships. I didn’t see why and how that would affect a romantic relationship.

“I don't think I could be with someone who wanted me to stop being friends with Hoseok and Jimin. To not have Hoseok, who is the epitome of happiness and positivity, or Jimin who is incredibly kind… just seems wrong. I probably wouldn't want to be in a relationship where the guy doesn’t want me to be friends with other guys. Sounds kind of like it’s insecurity.”

Namjoon was quiet for a moment, deep in thought and considering his next words. “I don't think it's about insecurity. It's about respect.”

This somewhat annoyed me because it was a similar word my ex had used: ‘disrespectful’. “You think having a close relationship with the opposite sex is disrespectful?”

RM’s face was serious as he looked right at me, not breaking eye contact. “When there is a significant other involved, yes.”

A sudden urge to challenge him came over, especially after some of the guys had validated me last night about the topic. “But you and I are friends. Do you side with my ex when he said we shouldn’t be friends?”

RM shook his head in a dismissive manner. “That's different. We're work friends. You’re helping me out with something work-related. There’s nothing personal happening between us. Different rules.”

His words sank at a rapid pace.

Work friends. Not friends, but work friends. Someone you only spoke about certain topics with. Nothing personal. 

A feeling of nausea took over.

Work friends? Is that how he saw me? Someone to only hang out with during work hours? Only if he was getting paid to do so?

How could he think of me this way? We had known each other for years. I had been present for group trips, dinners, music video shoots, and recordings. I had been present during dress rehearsals and mic checks. Been to many live shows. I had seen some of RM’s lows: recording him had brought him to near exhaustion once and I had been present when a doctor was called. I made sure not to leave his side until the color came back to his face. We shared many stories while drinking a beer. I was his go-to person when he had English grammar questions. And just last night, we had an entire night full of laughter—I had shared thoughts and emotions because I thought we were friends.

And then it hit me. All of those shared moments had been alongside the rest of the guys. The group trips were always done with all members. The dinners and hangouts were always with the other guys present. And it was always Hoseok, Jimin, or Taehyung who would invite me to their shows and music video shoots. I never really hung out with RM, even more notably now that he had a girlfriend. Last night, it had only been Jin and Jungkook who verbally confirmed our friendship. RM had never agreed with the rest of the guys that he was friends with me.

Even after showing my tears and hurt last night, there was still a barrier between RM and me.

But, if I took a step back, I couldn't blame him. He had always created a line between us. I just had never seen it. I was a fool to think differently. A feeling of embarrassment took over. And hurt.

“Hey, you guys get done?” came a voice from the door as it swung open.

It was Sebastian, my brother. He was back.

I couldn’t be here. It was far too awkward. Not to mention I was feeling my heart rate accelerate.

“I gotta go,” I said suddenly, searching for my keys. There was pressure in my chest. I could feel my breathing change.

I cursed at myself silently as I spun around franticly. Where the hell were my keys?

“Mayita.” My brother’s voice pulled me.

Turning around, I saw him holding my keys, a look full of concern across his face. “Qué pasó?” He took a step close to me, blocking me from RM. He was trying to spare my embarrassment. He knew I felt self-conscious about my episodes, he was trying to ensure RM didn’t see me like this.

I shook my head, not being able to speak.

“Ve. Está bien,” he encouraged as he handed me my keys.

“Maya, what’s wrong?” RM asked. He took a few steps closer.

Hurrying out of the room, I heard my brother ask RM what had happened.

As I drove out of the property, I felt a stream of tears start coming down. My chest felt like it was being squeezed.

I felt like such an idiot. How could I have ever been so stupid to not see RM didn’t want to be friends? Just because he was nice and friendly did not mean that he wanted to be friends.

******

After an hour of driving around and crying, my negative thoughts began to go out of control. I began to doubt my friendship with the other guys. Were they also just being friendly with me and nice, like RM? Was it only Hoseok and Jimin who I had a genuine friendship with?

I felt the need to know the truth. There was no way Hoseok would ever be honest with me. He was much too kind for that. There was only one person who would be completely honest if I asked him to be.

Using some sunglasses, I made my way to the guys’ hotel. I had sent a message to the person I needed to see so the staff had been informed about my visit.

“What is it?” Suga asked as soon as he opened his door.

He looked concerned as soon as I took off my sunglasses. I must have looked like shit.

He stepped back, inviting me in.

“I'm sorry,” I said immediately. “I just...I need a direct answer and I know you’re the one who would be most honest with me.”

Suga looked a little uncomfortable. Maybe it was because he was only in his boxers.

“Hold on.” He reached over to a bathrobe and put it on. Poor guy, I hadn’t given him ample time for him to get ready.

Once again, I felt like an idiot. Of course, he would feel uncomfortable with me here. He probably saw me the same way RM did. We were work friends. Work friends didn’t visit each other in their personal bedrooms for non-work-related reasons.

“Are we friends?” I blurted out, not able to keep it in.

He looked even more confused. “What?”

“Would you consider us friends?” I asked a little more clearly this time.

“Yes. Of course.”

It seemed like I wasn’t being clear, so I became more specific. “I'm not talking about work friends or associates, but friends-friends. Someone you feel comfortable having deep conversations with? To share secrets with? Trust important information with?”

He couldn’t look more lost. “Yes. You are a friend of mine. Maiwa, what’s wrong?”

And then the tears just streamed down.

Suga reached over and gave me a one-arm hug. He held me for a good while. Once I had settled down, he asked again, “What’s wrong?”

I took a breath. “I was talking to RM and I found out the friendship I thought we had really only existed in my head. And if I was wrong about my friendship with him, maybe I’m wrong about my friendship with the rest of you guys.”

He pulled back a bit to look me in the eye. “Why would you say such a thing? Namjoonie values your friendship.”

I shook her head. “He sees us as associates. ‘Work friends’ were his exact words. Had I known he didn't see me as a friend, I would have waited until he was out of the room to talk so openly with you guys.”

Yoongi seemed to consider my words before he spoke again. “What you said last night was important. We're all grateful you trust us enough to share that with us. I'm sure he didn't mean what he said.”

“RM is one of the best communicators I know. He dissects everything he says. He’s careful and articulate. I’m more than sure he meant what he said. Especially when I’m the one who referred to the two of us being friends and he was quick to correct me. He said we were different from friends. We were work friends.”

Suga stayed quiet for a long while. Surely, he was going over what might have occurred in his head, questioning if I was overreacting.

It felt like another punch in the gut. A level of anger began to build toward RM. His words were making me doubt Suga. I had never thought negatively about any of the guys but now I was overanalyzing everything. Allowing self-pity to win over.

“You know Hobi once called us business partners? Not friends, but business partners,” he said carefully.

This was shocking to me. It didn't seem right. Hoseok would never say this about Suga or any of the other guys. He loved his six members more than brothers.

Suga seemed to have read my mind. “He did...but he wasn’t serious. It took a moment to figure out he was only messing around, but I remember that horrible feeling that someone I cared for, thought of me as something so insignificant. To me, the six guys are an eternal family. My brothers for life. So, hearing those words, it cut something deep.” He looked sad at the memory. “Thankfully, it was a misunderstanding. Hopefully, for your circumstance, it was as well.”

New, warm tears began to stream down. “I don’t think so, Suga. I’ve been thinking about it. RM and I never hung out. Not by ourselves, that is. And whenever we talk, he doesn’t really ask personal questions. I ask him about his family and girlfriend and past, but he’s never shown interest in me. I don’t think that’s how friends are.”

Suga was quiet again. “Namjoonie is someone who holds up many walls. It takes a good deal to bring them down. I’ll be honest, there are moments when he doesn’t let us in. He carries a lot on his shoulders. Sometimes Jin can get through to him, but when he shuts down, there’s no way of getting him to open up. He has to be the one who’s ready to do so. A lot is going on lately. I’m not trying to make excuses for him, but I’m sure he’s stressed and not thinking clearly.

“I know his heart. He’s an incredible person and someone who would never want to hurt someone. I’m sure if he sees he’s upset you, he’ll do everything in his power to set things right.”

I didn’t say anything. A part of me believed Suga, but a bigger part was buried deep in the pain and I couldn’t see straight. I was stuck in a negative headspace.

We didn’t speak much for the remainder of the night. Suga kept his arm around me for a while longer.

This moment I was having with Suda reminded me of last year when we were recording a song for their current album. I was asked to help assist with a solo song for him. While writing for the track, the two of us went the entire night drinking and comparing childhood stories. We found we shared a complicated relationship with music. We were both born to be musicians but there came a point in our lives where we resented it for different reasons. His thoughts about it were similar to mine and together, we created a song that held a special place in my heart. It was a song that after the recording was done, I only listened to once due to the power it had over me. It was one of the few songs I had taken part in writing but couldn’t listen to.

As I sat next to Suga, I began to feel sleepy. When he noticed this, he offered me his bed. I insisted on using the couch in his room, knowing I couldn’t drive at this stage but not wanting to inconvenience my friend either. He had none of it. He placed the covers around me and took the couch for himself.

My doubts about the rest of the guys seeing me as their friend began to float away.

******

-NAMJOON-

The next day was full of activity. The schedule for the guys was set from the start of the day and would carry on until the night. The next day, they were set to leave LA for their next destination.

Having the responsibility of ensuring everyone was awake today, Namjoon woke early the next morning. He knew his hyungs were more than likely awake, so he went directly to the three youngest rooms first. After ensuring they woke up, Namjoon then made his way to Hobi and Jin’s rooms; not surprisingly, the two of them were easier to stir awake. Finally, he headed to Yoongi’s room. Namjoon was certain he was awake, but he’d rather play it safe and check.

Just as Namjoon got to Yoongi’s room, he saw his hyung’s door open. And out came a curly-haired brunette.

Namjoon stopped in his tracks. It had been a while since Yoongi had brought a girl to a hotel room, but he had never done so while they were overseas. What chick had he hooked up with last night? He didn’t know any Americans. And judging from this girl’s backside and figure, she was not Korean, so it couldn’t be one of their staff.

“Thanks again, Yoongi,” said the girl as Yoongi stepped up to the doorway to see her off.

He gave her a small smile and a half hug.

It took Namjoon a moment, but he finally recognized the voice. “Maya?”

Maya turned; her almond-shaped eyes wide. Did she look…scared?

Namjoon remembered how she had left so abruptly from the studio yesterday. Sebastian had asked him what had happened, but he genuinely didn’t know. One moment they were having a conversation and the next Maya was gone. He had noticed the change in her breathing right as Sebastian tried blocking him from looking at her. Namjoon asked Sebastian what had been wrong with Maya, but Sebastian simply said that she got sick every once in a while but didn’t give specifics. It worried Namjoon. He had even sent Maya a couple of messages, wishing she felt better.

But Namjoon figured she had gone home to rest. Why was she here? Had she spent the night with Yoongi? Was there more going on between them that he hadn’t noticed?

“What are you doing here?” Namjoon asked her bluntly, stepping forward.

Maya took several steps away from him. Some tears began to make their way down her eyes. “I gotta go.” She gave Yoongi a quick look and walked away in a hurry.

As she left, Namjoon could hear her take deep breaths, just as she had last night.

He wanted to go after her to see if she was ok, but something made his feet stay where they were. “Why was she crying?” Namjoon asked.

“How about you tell me?” Yoongi asked, a lethal note detected in his tone.

Namjoon frowned, not understanding. “Did I do something wrong?”

“I would say so. What the hell were you on yesterday?” he asked, the lethal note sounding deadlier.

“Excuse me?” Namjoon’s patience began to wear thin. His defenses started to come up.

He and Yoongi got into intense arguments, sometimes it seemed out of nowhere. Since meeting each other, Namjoon and Yoongi’s relationship had been intense. It mostly stemmed from their competitiveness and different personalities. Yoongi tended to be stubborn and blunt while Namjoon was more docile and subtle. Their opposite traits tended to create the most intense fights.

Namjoon did his best to avoid arguing as much as he could, but the guy always knew what buttons to press. Just like he was now.

“What did you tell Maiwi last night?” Yoongi demanded.

Namjoon was quick to notice the nickname. Hobi and Jimin usually called her 'Mai-Mai', but Yoongi had created a nickname for Maya that was fully Korean. That could only mean one thing, right?

“Are you guys together?” Namjoon asked, shocked.

Yoongi looked completely unimpressed. “You know, for a genius, you really are daft sometimes. Nothing’s going on between me and Maya. She’s a friend. And she only sees a friend in me as well. Wish she could say the same thing about how she sees you, though.”

Namjoon’s confusion only deepened. “What?”

“Did you seriously tell her that you guys were work friends?”

Namjoon thought for a moment. “Yeah.”

“Aishhhh,” Yoongi hissed out as he shook his head disappointedly.

“What?”

“You hurt her feelings, Namjoon,” Yoongi emphasized.

Namjoon was taken about by these words. He didn’t know how to react. But he continued to listen to Yoongi as he spoke.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but last night was the first time Maya has ever opened up about how toxic her relationships are. Hobi even pointed out that even with him, Maya is pretty quiet about her relationships. He’s noticed markings on her arms in the past, but she’s always dismissed the bruises. I’ve seen a couple of bruises on her as well, but never asked her about it, fearing what her answer would be. And last night she confirmed our suspicions.

“She opened up to us because she thought she was talking to friends. She felt safe bringing down those walls. And then you go and tell her she’s not a friend? What the fuck do you think that did to her?” Yoongi demanded.

The realization of his mistake made Namjoon want to start digging a hole for himself to live inside. “Shit,” he let out. He replayed the entire conversation from last night in his head. What the hell had possessed him to say such a thing?

So much was going on lately, that he had behaved and spoken without thinking. But it was no excuse for him acting like a jerk.

Yoongi was right, Maya had entrusted them and opened up to them. And she was a friend. Last night during her breakup with her ex, she had proved how great of a friend she was. He had fucked up.

He turned towards the hall, but Maya was long gone. "I didn't mean it that way; just that we're not that close like I am with you guys or my other friends."

“Listen, whatever backward, caveman mentality you have on guy and girl friendships, I couldn't give two shits about. But the rest of us do consider her a friend. She's shown great loyalty to us not only professionally—she's defended us countless times in the media whenever some idiot makes a racist or homophobic comment about us—but just last night she even defended us privately. It looked like she was about to fight her ex after he said what he said."

"I know," Namjoon agreed. "She's amazing. We're lucky to have an ally like her."

"We're lucky to have a friend like her," Yoongi corrected him.

Namjoon just gave a nod, his eyes still on the hall, where Maya had disappeared into. He was still debating on going after her.

"We have a full schedule today,” Yoongi said, knowing exactly what was going through Namjoon’s head. “It’s best to call her. See if you can meet tonight or tomorrow morning before we fly out.”

Namjoon nodded, taking out his phone.

“I know you can be blunt with your honesty, but you really need to think before you speak. Especially when it comes to someone who hasn't come to fully know you quite yet. Set things right with her, Namjoon. Don’t fuck it up with her. She’s a good person,” Yoongi said then turned back to his room.

Namjoon pressed Maya’s name on his contacts. He left a message, apologizing over and over.

Around noon, she still hadn’t responded, so he called again.

That night, he called again.

And again.

And again….

***********

~MAYA~

I had only agreed to meet with him after the 10th voicemail. Plus, Yoongi had sent me a message, telling me to give RM an opportunity to explain.

It was the following morning when we met. The guys always booked out an entire floor, meaning there were plenty of empty rooms. When I entered the room, RM was already inside waiting.

He stood up once he saw me. “Thank you for coming,” he said politely.

Instantly, I felt an uneasiness in my stomach. No words came out of me; I remained standing, just staring at him.

RM took a breath, a look of regret washing over his face. “I want to apologize for yesterday. What I said, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I do value your friendship. Please, do not think I don’t,” RM sounded like he was pleading.

A rush feeling of flight took over, I didn’t want to be here. However, my feet remained still “You don’t have to apologize for something you feel. I shouldn’t have made assumptions. I feel embarrassed for putting you in an awkward position.”

“No. Not at all. I—”

My feet jerked and I could feel them wanting to make their way to the door. I forced my body to remain still. “I don’t want to keep talking about this; it’s upsetting. And I don’t want to cry in front of you.” I don’t know what possessed me to be so blunt and honest. Maybe it was because it was my best bet for him to let me leave without causing a scene.

I took a deep breath, trying my best to maintain control of my emotions. “Let’s continue as we have. When the guys invite me over, I’ll come over like normal. If you need some advice with English, it’s fine if you email me or text me like you usually do. I’ll be sure to stop inviting you over to hang out. Now, all these years later, I understand why you never accepted my invitations, so I’ll stop putting you in an uncomfortable situation.”

“Maya—”

“I know you have your flight to catch, so I’ll be on my way out.” My feet finally won the battle and moved towards the door.

RM’s long legs were quick; he made his way in front of me, blocking me. “I’m sorry, Maya. Please. I want to set things right.”

I always spoke in Korean with all the guys. Every once in a while I would say some English words, but normally I stuck with Korean. It was a struggle since Korean was not my first language and one that I didn’t use daily. Even with my Tia Jia and her family, I spoke more English with them than Korean. I never told any of the guys, not even Hoseok, but it certainly took a lot of energy when I was with them. It never felt stressful, though, because the guys were worth it—they were my friends. But I suddenly didn’t feel the drive to overwork my brain. Maybe it was because RM wasn’t a friend.

I decided to stick to English. “You meant what you said. As shitty as it felt, you meant it. I don’t want you to let Suga make you feel guilty. Everything is fine with us professionally. Personally, I’m hurt. I don’t want to be here because I know I’m going to cry and I don’t want to do that in front of you.”

It was like someone had just slapped him in the face, RM looked so taken aback and hurt. He composed himself and gave a nod. “Ok. Can we talk later?” He asked softly in English.

He looked like a kicked puppy and the sad tone in his voice made my stomach turn. Guilt. I wanted to forgive him and forget all the words from nights ago because he did look to mean his apology, but my pride kept me from accepting it. “Maybe. I don't know.”

He leaned forward like he was about to take a step closer to me but he stopped himself and stayed at a distance. “I'll call you this weekend,” he said with determination, still in English.

I didn’t say anything. I walked out and went into the hall, heading to the elevator.

He stayed at the doorway, watching me as I waited for the elevator doors to open.

I kept my head high, doing my best to not give in and cry. Even as I entered the elevator, I kept it in, not allowing my emotions to come undone until I was on the highway.

RM did call me that weekend. Several times. At all times of the day. But I didn’t pick up.

********

He called again several days later. But still, I did not answer.

He sent messages, asking when I was free. He would make time. I didn’t reply.

A couple of weeks after, there were a few emails, asking the same question. But they all went unanswered.

In the months that followed, my communication with the rest of the guys increased. Not only was I chatting with Hoseok, Jimin, Tae, and Yoongi, but Jungkook and Jin would randomly send me messages as well. Jungkook's were scarce, but knowing he wasn’t much of a texter meant a lot. Jin's messages were mostly funny video clips of them. We played a few mobile games together. With the two of them, I felt a sweet and genuine friendship. 

But even though it felt nice to have six of them in my life, it felt like something was missing. I would get the urge to message RM, but I didn’t know how to start a conversation. I slowly began to see things more logically; my anger faded, and my hurt no longer took precedence. However, my pride would then take over. I became determined not to allow myself to be weak again. RM had hurt me and I shouldn’t let him do it again. I didn’t need to beg someone to be friends with me. Hoseok and Jimin had been right that night I had broken up with my ex. I needed to start cutting bad people out of my life. Not that I thought RM was a bad person, but he certainly was someone who didn’t care about me. Why should I keep someone in my life if I didn’t matter to them?

As the months went on, RM’s phone calls stopped. His text messages didn’t come anymore. Some emails were exchanged. But they were always work-related and kept cordial on my end.

I took notice he always signed off with, “Call me anytime.”

But I didn’t do so.

*****

-November 2017-

In the many months that followed, I managed to make drastic changes in my life. I cut off anyone in my life that was not a good influence. Taking the guys’ advice to me, I made sure to only keep people who I knew had my best interest at heart. The guys I normally went for, I made sure to avoid. No artists, no musicians, no guys dressed in that homeboy style. Those were my rules. If a guy came up to me with any one of those characteristics, I dodged them.

I managed to catch a couple of good guys but dumped them pretty quickly after finding no real chemistry with them.

It was a good and positive change for me. I felt better than ever knowing I was actively being more positive.

However, something seemed off still. And I knew why that was.

After many talks with Hoseok, Yoongi, and my Tia Jia, I finally got the courage to send Namjoon a message.

The guys were scheduled to come back to LA and it felt like a good time to meet with RM.

Once again, we met at one of the many rooms they had checked out in their hotel.

This time, I made sure to be the first to arrive. I felt it was only fair. It was difficult not to acknowledge that he had in fact all he could to set things right. He had done his best to reach out to me; it was my turn to reach out just as much.

As he entered the room, I got to my feet. “Hi.”

Being the ever-polite young man he was, RM gave me a proper bow, thanking me for meeting him.

 My heart squeezed at seeing this. Guilt came over. How could I ever have thought any part of RM was negative? He had made a mistake. He was allowed to do so. He was human.

RM had a whole speech prepared. It was like he had rehearsed it several times, hardly taking a breath. “I do see you as a friend. I always have. I was an idiot to have said what I said," was how he ended his speech.

I gave him a small nod. “I appreciate your apology. And I’m sorry on my end for not reaching out earlier. I think it was my pride mixed in with my embarrassment for my overreaction, but—”

“You didn’t overreact,” RM cut me off. “You were right to be upset. I spoke without thinking. Just like you told me, you shouldn’t apologize for how you feel.”

I was quiet for a moment, considering his words.

“So, can we be friends?” RM asked with a teasing smile.

His dimples made the butterflies in my stomach go wild. I felt the crush I had for him emerging. I did my best to squash it. “Yes,” I answered.

The dimples on his cheeks deepened.

Wanting to forget the last half year, I decided to move the conversation to something lighter. “Ok, I need some guy advice and Hoseok and Yoongi still haven’t answered my damn messages.”

“I’m all ears,” he said, taking a seat on the couch and giving me all of his attention. He seemed eager to prove himself.

“So, there’s these two guys I’m talking to—only talking. Nothing physical has happened with either one of them…yet,” I said with a snicker.

“Ok, I see where this is going,” RM said with a smile. “Been on dates with either one of them? Gone to dinner with them?”

“Went on a couple of dates so far with both of them. Dinner with both.”

“How did they treat the staff?”

I frowned, not understanding.

He read my confusion. “Go on a dinner date with both of them again. Look for an opportunity for the staff to make a mistake and see how they react. You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat staff. If he’s an ass, don’t make excuses, and stop talking to him. Keep the one who is humble and treats the staff like a decent human being.”

I considered his advice and concluded it was a pretty damn good one. “Thanks. I’ll do that.”

“What do these two guys do? What vocation are they in?”

“One is a talent agent, really hot and a pretty good smooth talker—very fun to be around. And the other one is an attorney. He’s alright, but a little boring.”

“What makes him boring?” RM asked curiously.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Just doesn’t seem to be too exciting. A real homebody, which I’m cool with, but you know—I like to go out, you know. Possibly travel; have some fun. This talent agent and I have gone to the club and I had a good time with him. The attorney I have yet to have fun with.”

RM stopped me. “Wait, I’m remembering something. Weren’t you dating some actor? I thought I saw you at one of the premieres with him.”

“Oh, yeah. We dated for a few months, but it didn’t last. His schedule got to be too much.”

RM seemed to be thinking. “Was it just the schedule that was an issue? You’re an artist, you should be able to understand a busy schedule and work it out.”

I felt I was being called out. “Fine. It wasn’t his schedule. He just…he was a bit bland.”

RM chuckled. “Bland?”

“Yeah, he tended to like the quieter dates. A simple dinner and a movie at his place. He never wanted to go out.”

RM cocked his eyebrow, signaling to me that he suspected something about me.

I was sure I knew what he was thinking. “So, I prefer to have fun. What’s wrong with that?”

RM put a hand in defense and laughed lightly. “No, I don’t mean to judge. It’s just that…it seems like you aren’t willing to bend a little to the guys’ preference. Being part of a couple is sometimes doing things for the other person. Just like you want to go to the club with him, maybe give him that night in.”

I let his words marinade, considering if he was right.

“Maya, I say this as a friend who cares for you: many of your past boyfriends haven’t been the best choices. Maybe try going for a guy completely different than what you’re used to. I’m not saying change your personality, but start being open to someone very different than who you usually go for.”

He was kind of making sense.

“Give this lawyer guy a chance,” he suggested with a warm smile.

I gave him a nod.

On the following dates I had with the talent agent and the attorney, I paid attention to how they were with the staff. The talent agent failed miserably, snapping at staff at the first opportunity. However, the attorney, a guy named Jerry, was a complete gentleman.

I followed my friend’s advice and decided to see where this thing with the attorney would lead.

------------------------

AN: I've been wanting to do a Namjoon POV and I finally found the perfect spot for it! 🥰

ANNOUNCEMENT: The next two weeks will be pretty busy at work. I might go a couple of weekends without posting, my apologies. The good thing is we are closer to the end of this story.

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

“How are you doing?” That had been the question. Such a simple one, but the answer wasn't. I was a mess.

I knew that I was going to end up crying sometime during our session, but I didn’t think it would be this early on.

Dr. Rob was quiet for a moment, allowing me to get through my emotions.

I apologized again once I settled.

“You slipped back,” he said, his eyes bore on me.

I stared back, feeling like he could see right into my pain. Dr. Rob had always been intuitive and read me well.

“I thought we kicked the habit of you apologizing for your emotions two years ago,” he said with observant eyes. “Took a lot of hard work.”

He was right. It was something I had worked hard on. I didn’t cry often, much less around other people. It was an automatic response: apologizing for my emotions. During my very first session with Dr. Rob years ago, I shed a few tears and I said those words to him. It became our first lesson: not apologizing for emotions. I was entitled to feel what I felt without judgment and apologies.

 “I shouldn’t have stopped seeing you, huh?” I asked, voicing the disappointment I had in myself.

“You’re here now, that’s what’s important,” he pointed out, his voice softer. “I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty.”

I felt embarrassed about my tears and wiped them off. But right as I did it, I saw how silly it was to feel embarrassed. I had cried enough times in front of Dr. Rob; there was no reason why I should feel embarrassed by it. “You’re right, though. Old shit is coming up again. And affecting me in new ways. I don't know what's happening.”

He nodded, not saying a word. He was letting me lead the conversation however I wanted. At least for the time being.

I was quiet for a moment, thinking what the best way to beat around the bush was. “I started dating my best friend.”

Dr. Rob showed no reaction, his eyes focused fully on me.

I continued to give a quick summary of Namjoon and me getting together some months back. Said how we both agreed in taking things slow, but in the last month or so things had been picking up quickly. I talked about the night of our breakup: us having sex, me getting a late call from my mother that lead to a fight, which then lead to Namjoon and my breakup.

“He said he needs someone who’s more open. And someone who doesn’t give it up so easily. Those were his words. He needs someone he can respect.” I did my best to keep my voice steady. It was difficult to as his voice saying those words echoed in my head.

Dr. Rob frowned and leaned forward. “Do you think he meant he doesn’t respect you?”

I gave a slight shrug. “That’s what it sounded like.”

“What did he say exactly? What were the words he used?”

“He said he couldn’t be in a relationship where it was just about sex. He wants more. And that he couldn’t go back to being friends. He respects himself too much.” I was amazed at how I was able to let out the words without my voice shaking. It was stable and tears were coming down, but my voice stayed stable.

Dr. Rob looked at me quietly for a long moment, thinking. It took a good while before he spoke up. “Do you agree with him that it was just about sex?”

I paused for a moment and thought, as Dr. Rob had taught me to do a long time ago. I tended to speak before thinking. It was something I worked on during our past sessions. I thought back to the three months Namjoon and I had been together. We spent so much time with each other. Much of it was laughing and hanging out in different settings—dinner, museums, hiking. There had been some deep, meaningful conversations in between, but maybe not as many as we had when we were exclusively friends. In the last month of our relationship, sex did seem to be what we did often. “I can see how he saw it that way. In the last couple of weeks, we hardly left his room or mine. But it wasn’t always like that. We did more than just sex.”

“Why does it hurt so much when he said to you that you ‘gave it up easily’?” Dr. Rob asked.

I thought back to the many emotions that had been running through me. About the words and how they affected me. “I didn't think my sexual appetite was a problem. It’s not like I’ve had many sexual partners. I’m in my 30s and I can count on two hands how many guys I’ve slept with. But, with his words…I don’t know. Maybe I have been with too many guys? Maybe I am too sexual? Maybe I need to change my mindset on sex? Maybe…maybe I’m not over the assault and I’m using sex as a weapon? I don’t know.” I let out some of the many thoughts that had gone through my brain the last few nights.

Dr. Rob seemed to be in deep thought. It was almost like he had dozens of questions he had, but trying to decide which was the best one to ask first. “Being with him, did you ever think about the man who assaulted you?”

“Not while we were having sex. He would come up in my head at random times, especially since I've come back to LA.”

“Why do you think you’re thinking more of him since you came back?” he asked curiously.

My mother immediately came to mind. I told Dr. Rob about Thanksgiving and about my outburst confession regarding my assault. Then I explained in more detail what the fight between my mother and me over the phone was about.

“Do you think I’m not over my assault and it's somehow blocking me from Namjoon?” I asked straight up.

“Well, I don’t think you’ll ever be over your assault. That’s a journey that’ll always stay with you. You will hopefully move on from it. And then it might rise later in life and manifest into something else. Only time and life will tell. Do you think you’re over it? That it’s blocking you from Namjoon?”

I thought for a moment, remembering the year before Namjoon and I had gotten together. I had a brief sexual relationship with a guy in Seoul. It was nothing too serious—I never came to love him, but I was with him for several months. “I think it helped that I had another sexual partner before Namjoon. The assault definitely caused me to be physically closed off. Being with that other guy helped me regain my comfort in my own skin. Getting to the point of being ok with a guy touching me took a while.”

I remembered how broken I had been when I first visited Dr. Rob. I felt like my skin wasn’t mine. Jerry and I had only had sex a few times due to my inability to be ok with his touch. I had never told Jerry about the assault either, yet I don’t believe that it contributed to our breakup. It did, however, contribute to my lack of sexual appetite and self-esteem.

“I imagine if Namjoon had been my first partner after the fucker, things wouldn’t have gone so smoothly between us as far as sex goes,” I admitted after mulling it over. 

“Before the night of the breakup, how were things in the bedroom between the two of you?”

“Great. We were quick to get in tune with one another. I thought it was going to take longer or things would get a bit awkward, but they never really did.”

“You always felt comfortable telling him your sexual needs? Did you ask him openly about his limits and wants?”

I nodded. “He always asks for my consent in everything we do—whether it's verbally or stopping and waiting until I give him a clear nod or clear vocal confirmation. There were a handful of times when we would be eating and I would ask him his preferences and where his line was. I asked when we were alone and sex was not about to take place. We made sure to have these talks when we were clear of mind.”

Dr. Rob nodded. “So, you had discussed anal sex ahead of time?”

I nodded. It felt much easier to talk about sex with someone other than my Tia Jia. “Namjoon doesn’t believe in safe words—to him a ‘no’ or ‘stop’ is more than enough.”

“Did you ever use the safe words—or rather, say ‘no’ or ‘stop’?”

It took a moment to think back. I wanted to be fully honest. “I don’t believe so.”

“Nothing with him felt like it was going over the line?”

I shook my head.

“What about him? Did he ever stop himself or you during an act?”

“Only when he thought I felt uncomfortable or wanted confirmation before he continued. Namjoon tends to be more hesitant, so I usually had him lead. I personally wouldn’t mind pushing the line a little more.”

“Did you tell him that?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“We’re still so new. I have a few kinks and didn’t want to scare him off so quickly,” I said with a slight, nervous chuckle.

However, Dr. Rob didn’t find this to be a joke. “Do you fear your sexual preferences will scare him off?”

I shook my head instantly. “No! I was joking. My kinks aren’t that extreme. What I meant was that I wanted to ease into it and pace our relationship. Isn’t that how a relationship works? You slowly get to know each other and ease into one another’s lives?”

Dr. Rob simply looked at me, a slight frown deepening. He looked away and seemed to think about something.

I was confused by this look. “What?” I asked.

"You've been friends for so long. You considered him your best friend for close to two years when you got together. Don't you think that the pacing between the two of you wouldn't fall under 'normal' pacing?"

"Being a couple and being friends are two very different things," I countered. "How you are with your boyfriend isn't how you would be with your best friend. They're vastly different."

Dr. Rob was quiet for a while, pondering and thinking. I didn't want to push him, knowing how he worked. He usually asked a lot of questions first to get a feel of things and then he hit me with the jugular. After a long moment, he asked another question. “How do you guys get along? What’s the mood like when you guys hang out together?”

I wish I could go into Dr. Rob's mind and see what he was thinking. But I knew I had to wait. I hated waiting.

*****

Hours later, I was walking into my home feeling completely exhausted.

“Hi, sweetheart.” My Tia Jia greeted me and pulled me into a warm embrace.

She had informed me she was going to be coming over. Yoongi had finally decided to go out with his staff. I knew Tia Jia didn’t like the idea of leaving me alone, especially after my session with my therapist.

As she pulled away, she took my face in her hands and cradled it with love. “How was it?”

“Ok, but long.”

Tia Jia pulled away and motioned to the couch. We both went over to it and sat down. “What did you guys discuss?” she asked.

I pulled at my sleeves, tugging the material closer to my skin. “Mostly about Namjoon. That night in particular.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked carefully.

I shook my head. “Not at the moment. I feel so drained from it.”

Tia Jia reached over and rubbed my leg, comforting me. “When’s your next appointment?”

“Saturday.”

“This Saturday? Two days in one week?”

“Yeah.” I pulled my legs up, brought them to my chest, and placed my arms above my knees.

Tia Jia had nothing but concern written on her face.

“It sounds like a lot, but there was still so much to go over. We mostly talked about Namjoon and my relationship. The fucker who assaulted me was hardly brought up. I honestly just want to tackle that issue and figure out how he still has such power over me.”

Tia Jia let out a heavy sigh. “Well, just make sure to take plenty of water. It’s going to exhaust you.”

I nodded and lowered my head, pressing my mouth into the crease of my arm. The pressure eased me a little.

********

Days later, I found myself sitting in the same seat in front of Dr. Rob. This time, I didn’t cry when he asked how I was. I felt more at ease during the session.

“Would you disagree on anything?” Dr. Rob asked about my relationship with Namjoon 15 minutes into our session. The fucker who assaulted me still had not been mentioned, but it seemed as if the topic of Namjoon was going to be the main focus again.

“Doesn’t every couple?” I asked with a slight chuckle.

This time, Dr. Rob cracked a smile. “Obviously. But before the night of the breakup, what would you say your biggest disagreement was on?”

It didn’t take long to know the answer to this. “Being secretive with his team.”

“Did he want to tell his team about the two of you?”

I gave a nod.

“And you didn’t?”

I shook my head.

“Why not?”

I went on to describe to Dr. Rob how the culture was with idols in South Korea. How intrusive the media was. I was worried about the public finding out about us and it backfiring on Namjoon and the group.

“When you used this as an argument, how did Namjoon react?”

“He insisted his team would keep our secret. But I just didn’t want to run the risk.”

“But what about Namjoon? It is his life. Shouldn’t he have a say and decide whether he wants to risk his career or not?” Dr. Rob’s tone wasn’t harsh but it wasn’t gentle either.

“Of course. But what if it didn’t work out? Then he would have risked it for no reason,” I said defensively. “We were only together for three months. That’s way too soon.”

“Too soon?” he said, with a slight look of disbelief.

“Yes. Normally, people date for about six months before things get too serious. There’s progress in a relationship.”

“True, but who says it has to be six months for a couple to be considered serious?”

“No one takes a couple who's only been dating for three months seriously.”

“I know of some couples who were only together for six months when they tied the knot. And they’ve been together for more than two decades. I know another couple who moved in together after only dating a month and they’ve been together for eight years,” he countered.

“Well, they’re the exception, not the rule,” I said automatically.

Dr. Rob cracked a smile. “Are you quoting He’s Just Not That Into You?”

“Well, you did recommend the book to me years ago,” I said back.

He let out a chuckle. “I did. After you voiced to me that you were having a hard time knowing what was in a guy’s head and having trouble dating after you went to Korea.”

I nodded.

He waited a moment before asking his next question. “Do you think you’re a rule—not an exception?”

For a good while, I thought about my life. About never feeling special. Despite my musical talents and physical looks, I never felt exceptional. I had never felt treasured, other than with Tia Jia. But even with Tia Jia, I saw how she was with her two children and grandchildren and friends. She made everyone feel special. My brothers had always treated me like one of the boys growing up—normal, average. It was difficult to feel special when I had gone decades feeling so mediocre.

After I didn’t answer his question, he pressed with another. “Did Namjoon make you feel like the rule?” Dr. Rob asked, pulling me from my negative thoughts.

Memories of Namjoon’s and my first date popped into my head. The dinner he had made me. How he chanced walking next to me in Cheonggyecheon despite the crowd. Had I felt special? Yes. But then again, it was Namjoon. He knew people so well and knew how to make anyone feel special. It was his special power. “He knows how to make everyonefeel special. I don’t think I’m an exception.”

Dr. Rob thought for a good while again, deciphering my words. “So, if you think you can’t be his exception, do you want to be his rule?”

I frowned, not fully understanding.

Dr. Rob went on to clarify. “You might be considering this Rule Vs. Exception as if it's written law. When dating someone, in order for it to work, one must either be the Rule or the Exception. To you, because you have never thought of yourself as special or unique, you will never be someone’s exception. So, in order for your relationship with Namjoon to work, you have to see yourself as The Rule. And the Rule follows social rules in dating. There are progress steps: be together for six months in order to be considered serious in the eyes of society.”

I was left stunned. Was that how I was viewing myself in my relationship with Namjoon? “I never thought about it that way,” I admitted.

“One of the obstacles we didn’t get to fully tackle before was your self-worth and self-esteem when it came to your emotions. We focused mostly on your sexual assault and your prior relationships because those affected you the most during that time. I noted this during our sessions but it kept getting pushed back. I would really like to dive into it this time.”

“What do you mean by my self-worth and self-esteem with my emotions?” I asked, a bit confused.

“When it comes to your musical talents, you’re very sure of yourself. You have the biggest confidence on stage and when you’re in a board meeting about your career. The same can be said about your intellect. But for some reason, your emotions when it comes to personal relationships, they're a different story. I would really like to dig a little deeper into that.”

I thought about how I quickly apologized for crying the other day. I think I understood. My emotions were definitely not something I had full control over.

“We’ll circle to this later, but let’s go back to Namjoon and how the two of you disagreed. When you guys fought, how did you settle those fights?” Dr. Rob asked.

I thought carefully. “We never really get into huge fights—not counting the breakup. We had some disagreements, sure, but nothing too heavy.”

“You’ve never had a big fight?”

Doing my best, I searched my memories. “Well…” I said, suddenly remembering. “We had one years ago.”

“How did you resolve it?”

I thought long and hard and couldn’t remember. It happened such long ago.

Dr. Rob understood my silence. “Ok. Let’s take it from the top. What caused the fight?”

----------------

NOTES: Next chapter will all be a flashback.

MASTERLIST

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

I wanted nothing more than to call him. I would grovel and beg—whatever he wanted, I would do. Whatever demands he had, I would obediently follow. I would do it all just to have him back. To have him close.

I didn’t care how pathetic I sounded. Didn’t care how wrecked I looked.

I just wanted to breathe again. And he was the source of it.

It was in those first hours of crying out in agony that I realized the truth of what Namjoon had become for me. He had become the most vital chemical element to keep my body alive: oxygen. The little air I was able to inhale felt so wrong, almost poisonous. Rather than healing me, it was slowly killing me.

Fuck, I was so pitiful.

I was in pieces for a guy who didn’t feel the same for me as I did for him. Didn’t see a proper woman he wanted to be with. Didn’t recognize me as a person to respect.

“You’ve given it up easy before.”

Fresh, boiling tears made their way down my overheated face as the words echoed over and over and over. The siren came back out.

My stomach began to cramp from the shaking. My body automatically curled up, trying to ease the pain.

I think that’s how my tia found me.

At first, I didn’t recognize the voice. It sounded too high, too screechy. Tia Jia was normally so calm and sweet sounding. Had it not been for the familiar smell of orange blossom, I wouldn’t have known it was her.

I’m not sure where she found me, but I was certain it wasn’t in my room. I don’t know how I managed to drive myself home that night, but I remember parking. I recall entering my house. I think I might have sat on the couch? The living room was the last thing I remembered physically seeing. Everything after was a blur—literally. The tears made it difficult to see anything.

The next time I recognized my surroundings, I was in my bed.

My head felt like it was splitting into pieces, but I was aware of my aunt holding me. Her scent and embrace sent a bit of warmth through me. When I realized she was there, I only cried harder. It was like I was a toddler and the only way I would feel better was through her touch and words. That’s what moms are for, right? To erase all the pain and make everything better?

I clutched her desperately. Praying she would be able to eradicate the ache.

But after what seemed an eternity, it was still there. The fucking pain was still present. It was the first time in my memory that my tia Jia couldn’t make it better. And this made my chest shatter. The siren in me wailed until my vocals gave.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sweetheart, you have to eat.”

My tia Jia was sitting next to me in my bed, a tray on her lap.

The motherly strokes on my hair were comforting, but still not enough. It had been a while since my body exhausted itself. Tears were still coming out and my stomach, chest, and head still felt like they had gone through a car crash, but at least the wailing and shaking stopped. I could take normal breaths now, even though it still felt wrong.

“Sweetheart?” Tia Jia’s voice sounded strained, like in pain. I was alert enough to detect it.

There was another kick to the stomach. I felt guilty for my state. It must be tough on her. I could at least answer her. “No, thank you,” I let out. It hurt to speak.

My aunt heard the scratchiness in my voice. “At least have some water. Please.”

She sounded so desperate. I couldn’t say no. I lifted my hand, motioning for the water.

She quickly handed me the flask, which thankfully had a straw attached to it. I wouldn’t have to sit up to drink from it. Bringing the straw to my lips, I took a sip. My throat and dehydrated skin welcomed it. I was about to put it back down, but my logical mind forced my mouth to take at least one more long sip.

Closing the straw, I set down the flask next to me.

There was silence for a while again. The only thing I could feel was my tia’s touch on my hair and face.

Finally, she spoke up. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Warm, new tears flowed down my cheeks.

“Did something happen with Namjoon?” she asked, gently.

I sniffed. “He broke it off.”

She let out a pained sigh. “Why?”

“I can’t do this, Maya. I can’t be in a relationship where it’s just about sex. I want more.”

New sobs began to make their way through my chest and traveled up my throat and down my eyes. “I’m not what he wants.”

It felt like a knife cut into my chest again. My old wounds still had not healed, so they quickly reopened.

Many years ago I developed a crush on Namjoon. I was quick to recognize it. However, for many reasons, I suppressed those emotions. One of those reasons had been that I knew I wasn’t his type. Physically or emotionally. Sure, he had eventually found me attractive and he started to develop a crush on me back. But he had realized last night I wasn’t built to be someone he could have a relationship with.

Namjoon was someone who loved to talk about philosophy and the human condition. We shared plenty of deep conversations, but I had never been able to fully let him in. There would always be a wall that prevented him from fully entering. And I just couldn’t take it down.

I explained little bits to my tia Jia about what Namjoon had said. I mentioned how my mother had called about the fucker. I admitted that I was still unable to talk to Namjoon about the incident and I wasn’t entirely sure if I wanted to tell him about it. It was because of all my issues that made Namjoon not want me.

I curled into a ball as I finished my story to my tia. My stomach aches were starting again and my heart was racing pretty fast.

My tia applied some pressure on my chest. “Breathe, sweetheart. Breathe.”

I followed her instructions. It took a few minutes but I had settled down again.

When my aunt felt safe to speak again, she did. “Sweetheart…what is keeping you from being fully transparent with Namjoon?”

I gave a pathetic shrug and didn’t answer. I knew it was a childish response.

“Well, I think it would be a good thing to figure out, don’t you think so?” she lightly pressed.

“Even if I did open up, I’m not what he wants, tia,” I mumbled.

“Now what would make you say that?” There was a bit of chiding in her tone.

“Because he’s known me for how long and I just now started catching his eye? He only became interested in me because I was the only girl around him who was available. After his bad break up, he’s been looking for a rebound.” I was finally voicing fleeting thoughts I had had in the starting part of my relationship with Namjoon. These thoughts had never lingered for too long, but in a state of complete low, my self-pity was scrapping for any negativity it could find.

My aunt wasn’t about to let me swim in that self-pity, though. “That breakup happened two years ago. His rebound was that girl he dated briefly earlier in the year. You are not his rebound.”

There was silence again.

My brain internally battled with my broken heart. Logically, I believed my tia Jia’s words, but the ache in my chest was marinading in the words that had shattered me.

“You’ve given it up easily before, whatever. I’m not that way.”

“The fact that…you did that with me…. I just don’t know how to feel about that.”

“We started this wrong. But like a fucking horndog, I gave in.”

“I can’t even say we can go back to being friends because I can’t. I can’t and won’t go back to that. I respect myself too much.”

“He still doesn’t want to be with me,” I said as my throat tightened. “It doesn’t matter if I tell him what he wants to hear. At the end of the day, my self-respect apparently doesn’t align with his. I’ll always be the girl who took it up the ass.”

“What?” Tia Jia asked, thrown off.

I hadn’t shared this piece of information with my aunt. The detail was a little too intimate for me to have shared with her. But I had spilled the beans; she couldn’t unhear it and I couldn’t unsay it.

“We had sex before the fight—before my mother called. It was anal.” I felt a flush of embarrassment hit my cheeks and neck, but I continued speaking. “During the fight, he brought up how he valued the act we had committed and I didn’t. I'm just a slut in his eyes.”

“He did not call you that,” my tia said with conviction. But then a beat later, she doubted herself. “Did he?”

“He might as well have,” I said in a small voice.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she said simply. She didn’t say anything else, though. This time, she let me cry and wallow in my self-pity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I honestly couldn’t remember how that night went. I mostly stayed in my room. My tia stayed the night with me. I caught her a couple of times on my phone. I was sure she was taking care of things for me, not that I had a lot of meetings. I might have had one, but I honestly couldn’t care less about it.

I was grateful she was there to handle it.

I had never felt this vulnerable before. Never been so pathetic. The last time I felt this low had been many years ago when my cousin died. But that had been a different kind of heartache. I dealt with the death mostly in anger. This time, there was no one but me to be angry at.

And as much as I wanted to bathe in self-anger, I couldn’t. Sorrow was all I could feel.

My tia eventually had to leave. “Your Uncle John has an appointment, sweetheart. If you want, I can come right after.”

I shook my head at her. “I’m good.”

She stared at the food next to me on the bed. “At least eat the vegetables, please. You didn’t eat dinner last night and this morning, you only had a few grapes. Lunch was left completely untouched. The least you can do is eat the vegetables.”

I reached out to my plate and grabbed a celery, taking a bite without a word.

“Thank you,” she said genuinely. She began to gather her things. “If you need anything, just go downstairs. Someone’s here to keep an eye on you.”

I wanted to argue with her and tell her I didn’t need looking after. I was positive she had called Jenny, her daughter and my best friend from childhood, to come look after me. However, I knew my tia well enough to know it would do no good.

She came around and gave me a soft kiss. “I’m only a phone call away. Do you want your cell with you?” she asked as she motioned towards my night table.

I shook my head. It was getting close to it being 48 hours since I touched that thing. I wanted to stay away from it for as long as possible.

“Love you,” she said as she disappeared into the hall.

I rolled over and closed my eyes, hoping sleep would come fast.

It did manage to come for several hours but my body had had enough of it. When I woke up, the stars had replaced the sun in the sky. There was a sudden sharp pain in my head. My body was angry at me for neglecting it. I pushed off the bed and felt an immediate cold.

I put on some pajama bottoms and put on thick socks. I think I had showered sometime yesterday because I surprisingly didn’t feel crusty. I touched my hair, feeling it damp. It was the confirmation I needed that I had, in fact showered sometime in the last 24 hours. Sometimes, I tended to put my hair up in a bun right after showering. This only prolonged my thick hair from fully drying.

After applying more layers of clothes and being grateful for not smelling, I took the plate of food that was still on my bed and took my water flask. Maybe I could microwave the food.

As I made my way down the hall, I adjusted the thermostat to warm up the house and went to get my food reheated.

Coming closer to the kitchen, I noticed the lights were on. After entering, I quickly saw the refrigerator open and a person standing behind it. Jenny must be up for a late-night snack.

“Don’t eat the cake; it’s gone bad,” I warned.

“I’m not craving sweets anyway,” came a deep and husky voice.

My heart stopped, panicking. I didn’t recognize the voice right away, so I acted on instinct. I placed down my food and took hold of the nearest, heavy object.

Before I could demand who was in my house, Yoongi’s head popped out from the other side of the fridge.

I let out a heavy and relieved sigh. “Son of a bitch, Yoongi. You scared the shit out of me.” I set down the heavy object, which turned out to be a rather pricey jar. Thank god I hadn’t used it. That would have been an expensive mistake.

He frowned. “I thought eomeonim told you I was here.”

I had completely forgotten I had invited Yoongi and his team to stay at my house. I had mentioned it to my Tia Jia after Yoongi agreed to stay over. The day we decided on Yoongi coming over, I was set to have a meeting. Tia Jia was going to be here to let Yoongi and the two guys in. That must have been last night. Or this morning. Shit, what day were we on?

I rubbed my head, feeling the sharp pain in my head again.

“Hungry?” Yoongi asked, a small hint of concern in his voice.

I nodded. “I was going to heat this up,” I said, motioning to the food.

He stared at the plate for a moment, no emotion given. Then reached over, took it, and placed it away from me. “Want a sandwich?” he asked as he turned around to the refrigerator again.

“It’s fine. I can just heat up the plate.”

“It’s gone bad.”

“Since when are you picky?” I asked, feeling irritated all of a sudden. “I’ve eaten pizza that’s been sitting out for 2 days.”

“Bet your stomach didn’t feel proud about that,” he muttered, taking out ingredients.

“I’m alive still, aren’t I?” I shot back.

He turned to me and did a once-over on me. He shook his head in disbelief. “Have you looked in the mirror? You look like death.”

I flipped him off.

That made him crack a smile. He reached for my water flask and filled it up.

I gladly took it, drinking a long sip.

We were quiet for a while as he put together a sandwich for me. Yoongi and I had eaten together plenty of times, not to mention cooked alongside one another. He knew my preferences.

After a long moment, he finally spoke up. “How you feeling?”

I took a breath, starting to feel my stomach get queasy. “Like shit,” I said genuinely.

I felt his eyes on me. He went still for a long moment, probably assessing what he could and should say.

There was a yearning in me that wanted to ask Yoongi about Namjoon. Fuck, just thinking of his name squeezed at my chest. An image of his beautiful dimples crossed my mind. The cluster of freckles across his nose and eyes would turn into a constellation whenever he smiled a certain way. But then the red eyes that were so full of hurt that night replaced the image, breaking my heart all over again.

The sound of a plate being placed down made me snap to the present. In front of me was a very good-looking sandwich. I knew Yoongi’s skills enough to know it was delicious. Yet, I had little interest in eating it. I knew my body needed to eat, so I took a few bites. I tasted the flavors of the ingredients and knew they were a perfect fusion, but I still felt zero enthusiasm for it. I managed to eat half of it, my stomach somewhat satisfied. After a few more sips of water, I felt the headache start to wear off.

When Yoongi noticed I was done eating, he finally spoke up. “Want to talk about it?”

It was strange because I did and I didn’t. I didn’t want to relive that night. But I also knew I needed to let out my emotions.

I took a breath and tried to control the tears that started to form in my eyes. “I can’t give him what he wants.” Saying the truth out loud hurt a lot more than just thinking about it.

He was silent for a moment before he spoke. “And what does he want?”

The warm tears made their way down. “Not me.”

There was silence for a long moment. The truth lingered in the air and pressed down on me.

After a long moment, Yoongi finally spoke. “Namjoon very rarely goes after something he is not sure about.”

There was almost a somber look on his face. He wasn’t looking at me, but in so many ways, it certainly felt like he was looking right into my eyes.

“He wants you, Maya.”

Conflicting emotions ran through me at hearing this. I knew Yoongi well enough to know that he was always honest. He would never say something he didn’t mean just to spare my feelings or make me feel better. But then Namjoon’s words the other night echoed in my head, telling me that I wasn’t what Namjoon wanted. It was so hard to think clearly.

“You don’t think he does.” Yoongi’s voice was soft and certain.

I gave a short nod, not trusting myself to speak without becoming a sobbing mess.

Yoongi let out a heavy sigh. “Sad.”

I was confused about what he meant by that. But, again, I was too scared to use words at the moment.

He stayed in the kitchen with me as I picked through my food. Eventually, we made our way over to the backyard where he drank his whisky into the night and I curled on the outside couch and looked up into the dark sky. I searched through the constellations, trying to find the freckles that would hopefully give me some solace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next couple of days passed slowly. My tia called several times, checking on me. I didn’t stay long with her on the phone, finding my throat too sore to speak for too long.

She didn’t push it. For a brief moment, I was a little confused why she wasn’t calling more often or insisting I stay on the phone with her longer. However, I noticed how closely Yoongi observed me. He usually was in the room with me or in the next room. I caught him texting a lot.

He used his phone for researching random facts, watching movies, documentaries, and playing odd mobile games. He had plenty of friends he messaged. Yes, he was usually glued to his phone, but I still noticed he was on it more than usual. I was certain he was keeping Tia Jia up to date about me.

Had his staff been around, I would have felt embarrassed about being treated like some fragile kid, but thankfully, Yoongi had sent them away insisting they explore the city on their own. A part of me wondered if they had heard about my walk of shame. Did they hear about how I had left Namjoon’s hotel room looking like some cheap whore?

The sting lingered throughout my chest, cracking my ribs.

“Wanna go for a walk?” Yoongi asked, pulling me away from my heartache.

It was night and I lived in a secluded area. Even if we came across other people, they wouldn’t be able to see us clearly. They wouldn’t notice Yoongi. I thought for a moment, debating with myself. I hadn’t left my house in days; hadn’t seen other faces. I had been bathing in my self-pity for many nights. Maybe it was time I snapped out of it. A walk would be good.

After nodding, we got ourselves ready and headed toward the beach.

We walked along the sand for a long while, and no words were said.

Eventually, Yoongi spoke. “How you feeling?”

Since the first night he had arrived, he asked me this towards the end of the day.

I gave a shrug. “A little better.”

He gave a nod. “Have you gone through your messages yet?” he asked carefully.

I had confessed to him yesterday morning I hadn’t looked through my messages since that night. I was scared to see Namjoon’s name on it—I couldn’t deal with reading through his words. Would they cut deeper? Bury me lower than I already was?

But what if he hadn’t written me? Somehow, his sending me nothing would be much worse.

Looking through my messages right now wouldn’t do me any good. I shook my head.

Yoongi let out a heavy sigh, similar to the one he had given the other night.

The scene replayed in my head and I remembered my unspoken question. I couldn’t ask it that night, but I could tonight. “What did you mean when you said ‘sad’ the other night?”

Yoongi was quiet for a moment. It was like he was thinking about his words carefully before speaking to them out loud. “I find it sad that you’re not allowing someone to truly see you.”

I was too stunned by his words to give a vocal response. My head turned to him, wondering if he was going to further elaborate.

He did. Keeping his eyes ahead, he continued his walk and I kept up. “As a friend of yours, I’ve seen parts of you—some of them aren’t great qualities—and still, I love you.”

Tears came to my eyes. It was rare to hear Yoongi tell me he loved me. Any time he did, it would move me because I knew it wasn't easy for him.

“You’ve been around Namjoon during some of his bad moments; moments that would paint him negatively. Do you feel differently about him—knowing and witnessing his bad qualities?”

Shaking I said softly but strongly, “No.”

“How do you feel after seeing him make mistakes and show his flaws?”

Moments of bad decisions Namjoon had made in his past crossed my mind. Yoongi’s question lingered throughout the memories. And all I could feel was my heart grow warm and expand.

I could feel Yoongi’s eyes on me. I hadn’t said a thing but seemed to be hearing my thoughts. “That’s what it means to care about someone—to accept the good and the bad. Whatever shit you’re afraid of in your past, fuck it. Don’t let it keep you from allowing someone amazing like Namjoon in.”

Suddenly, the face of the fucker entered my mind.

******His hands on me. I sat frozen, feeling my body lit up in flames.*******

Was the fucker the reason why I had this goddamn wall up? I thought I had moved on from him. Had he crept back into my subconscious and made me vulnerable again? Was he the reason why a wall existed that prevented me from allowing Namjoon in?

These last few days I thought it was just the way I was built. I could never be what Namjoon needed. I wasn’t made to let someone fully in. Having gone through therapy years ago I thought that I had grown as much as I could have.

I felt the arms around me before the tears. It wasn’t until Yoongi was hugging me that I noticed I had been crying. My face was wet, my nose was runny.

“It’s not just Namjoon that would like to break down that wall,” Yoongi said softly as he held me. “We all notice it. Some of us understand on a more personal level than others, unfortunately."

We shared a knowing look. He was meaning himself. Yoongi also had his wall. 

"You feel it's easier to keep people at a distance," he said, holding eye contact. "The guys taught me differently."

I looked away, feeling a bit of shame for having my faults.

Yoongi kept talking. "The guys and I normally never push—Namjoon especially. He respects boundaries. He allows everyone to open up at their own pace. But it's different with you. He needs more. And I believe you need more, too.”

Suddenly, my heartache grew. It was no longer just about a breakup. It was about learning that I was broken.

I needed fixing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I picked up my phone. My finger hovered over my KakaoTalk app. Dozens of notifications were still unread. Were any of them from Namjoon?

As much as I wanted to look through them, I knew deep down I shouldn’t click on them.

Not yet.

My finger moved over to Contacts, selecting and calling the person I was needing the most.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My eyes were focused on the assistant’s desk. Since walking through the door, the feeling of déjà vu had been lingering through the air.

The lobby had remained the same. The portraits on the walls hadn’t changed. The couch I was sitting on was the same one as years ago.

I clutched my phone, this time having no one on the other end that was cheering me on for being where I was.

The urge to turn my phone on and go directly to my messages was strong. But like I had the other million times, I ignored it.

In my deluded, damaged mind I saw him sitting next to me. His dimples were deep and beautiful. That proud look was written all over his face.

“Hi, Maya. Come on in,” Dr. Rob said gently with a kind smile.

I returned the smile and got to my feet. As I made my way into his office, I could clearly hear Namjoon’s deep, timber voice behind me.

“hwaiting!”

As pathetic as it appeared, it worked. I felt a sudden burst of courage.

---------------

MASTERLIST

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30