#idol!rm

Currently, they were walking through security in their apartment complex and it was a space they had deemed safe to display some affection. Their home and their company's private halls and rooms were locations they were free to act themselves. And this was only possible due to NDAs being signed by security and staff at both locations. The community they lived in catered to the powerful and wealthy in South Korea, meaning they were guaranteed full privacy.

Namjoon had chosen this community a while ago for this precise reason: guaranteed privacy. So when Maya needed to find another apartment, he made sure to point this detail out to her. It didn't take long for Maya to agree. If the public were to find out an idol as big as RM was dating Maya, who was a well-known American artist, their company, Big Hit, would surely have a field day at its hands. Things would be chaotic.

The possibility of the public finding out about them was scary to imagine, so Maya forced herself to not think of it. She reminded herself of the little chance of their secret leaking. If someone spilled, they would then spend the rest of their days behind bars. Maya's new record label, which was also Namjoon's, had the funds to hire the best lawyers in the country and as part of Maya and Namjoon's contracts, their privacy was something the label would protect at all costs.

As Maya tried to settle herself down, Namjoon felt her uneasiness. Even though she had made great strides, Namjoon knew that it was a work in progress for her. There would always be moments her anxiety would try to beat the best of her.

He turned to her and noticed the change in her breathing. She was calming herself down.

He knew she felt his stare and turned towards him.

The moment her rich, maple eyes met his, he could feel her body fully relax. He sent her a soft smile. Her body then gravitated to his. Her head pressed against his shoulder as her other hand clutched his forearm. He could almost see her anxiety be swallowed down. That's my girl, he thought to himself. Maya was full of fight; her anxiety might win some battles, but his girl would always win the fucking war. He leaned over and pressed his lips on her head, feeling himself falling more in love with her.

The couple finally arrived at Namjoon's front door. He opened it and allowed her to enter first. They left their shoes at the entrance and walked down the halls to get to the living room.

Namjoon helped Maya take off her jacket.

It was late January and the weather was still pretty cold, would be for another few weeks.

"Want me to put your stuff in the room?" he asked as he motioned to the suitcase and bag on the floor. She had brought them in earlier in the day.

With her family in town and taking over her apartment, Namjoon had suggested she stay at his place for the time being.

She nodded. "Want some of the wine I brought earlier?"

"So I can get drunk and you can take advantage of me?" he teased, sending her one of his dimpled smiles he knew drove her crazy. He took her stuff and sent her a wink.

"You're lucky you're cute," she said, sending him a mocking glare then walked into his kitchen to find some glasses.

Just like during their first try at a relationship, Maya had given Namjoon control over when they were ready to take their physical relationship to the next level. She wanted him to be fully comfortable once they decided to have sex again. The only thing she asked was for him to be completely honest and sure. While he didn't believe in regrets, there was such a thing as learning from past experiences. He never regrated having sex with Maya but did think that they might have started things too quickly.

During their breakup, in the heat of anger, Namjoon had told Maya they shouldn't have had sex so soon but he hadn't fully meant it. Since they got back together, they talked about it at length. He wanted to be physically intimate again, but he wanted to make sure their heads and emotions were in the right place before they did so. He wanted their relationship to be more solid before they took that step. Also, he wanted to wait for the perfect moment.

And tonight felt right. Everything had been perfect. His parents and Maya's aunt and uncle, who she loved like parents, had a lovely dinner together. They all got along splendidly. There had been a lot of laughs and warmth as the six shared food with one another. This had been what Namjoon wanted: a full closeness with her. And he felt the way to do so would be to further bond with her surrogate parents and for her to get closer to his.

They had been working on strengthening their relationship—being more open with each other and expanding their communication. Emotionally, they had become incredibly intimate. Maya had been the one who struggled with vulnerability, which had been the reason for their breakup less than two months ago. However, after restarting therapy, she started to heal old wounds and was able to allow Namjoon in.

Namjoon was now seeing a completely different side of Maya. Every time she was honest with him, every secret she revealed to him, every concern she voiced made him want to fall to his knees and worship her. And because his emotions were getting more intense with her, it was more difficult to control his body around hers.

And after the perfect night they had, there was only one way to end it.

After placing Maya's stuff on the left side of his room—which was the side she took—he walked back to the living room and noticed two full glasses waiting on the counter.

He raised his eyebrows at her in mock surprise. "That's a lot of wine, no?"

"You have a high alcohol tolerance," she commented. "Don't pretend you don't."

"I'm worried about you," he said, reaching for a glass.

"The Latina blood runs powerful in these veins, baby." She took the other glass.

He let out a chuckle and raised his glass to her.

She tapped his glass with her own.

As they drank the wine, Namjoon took notice of a slight shiver coming off her. He turned to her arms and noticed the goosebumps.

Full concern took over. "Babe, you're freezing." He turned towards the thermostat.

"No." She said quickly, taking hold of his arm. "It's ok."

"It's not ok. Look at you." He reached over and rubbed her arms. Sure enough, she was cold to the touch. He knew he ran on hot, so she always felt cold to him.

"I'll put on a sweater," she whined as she kept him from moving away.

"But you'll be cold tonight. You know it takes a while for the ondol to heat the place."

A small look of sadness appeared on her face. "But then you'll be hot."

"I'll sleep without covers," he said simply, pulling away and walking to the thermostat.

But it wasn't that simple. Maya knew that if he got too hot, he would be too uncomfortable to fall asleep...and wouldn't sleep close to her.

And there lay the real reason and issue. There was a secret Maya was keeping from Namjoon. Something she had discovered long ago but had been too embarrassed to admit. However, Dr. Rob's voice made its way to her head.

"Any time you feel something but hesitate to voice it to Namjoon, I want you to take a step back and ask yourself what is preventing you from sharing that emotion with him. Is it due to legit concern or could it be the fear of rejection that's keeping you from opening yourself to him? If it's the latter, take a breath, and voice it to him. However little it might be."

She took a breath and ripped the bandage. "I sleep better when you're holding me."

Namjoon was in the middle of fidgeting with the thermostat and stopped abruptly when she spoke. He turned to her, giving her his full attention.

Taking another breath, Maya further explained. "You know it's difficult for me to fall asleep. Since I was a kid. Unless I'm physically and mentally exhausted, it can take me an hour to do so. I have to either drink a lot of chamomile or take melatonin drops and I have a weighted blanket that helps, too. But when I'm sleeping with you...." She let the words hang there. A blush made its way through her neck and face.

She felt so vulnerable, revealing such an intimate thought was incredibly difficult. There was no way Namjoon was going to make fun of her, but past experiences still dictated her emotions.

Namjoon wasn't saying anything, though. He was being completely quiet and patient. He knew her well and knew where she was getting at. But it was important for her to say the words out loud, on her own. So, he waited.

Maya forced herself to look back up and continued. "I noticed I don't need any of those things when I sleep next to you. I always get cold at night, but your body keeps me warm. When you hold me, it feels like a weighted blanket." She could have ended it there but she wanted to share everything with him. "Dr. Rob mentioned years ago that my inability to fall asleep might be due to past trauma. Nights at my house were...." The memories would lead Maya to a bad place. She wanted to tell Namjoon about those stories, but not right now. She needed to focus on one subject at a time. "Not so good. I never felt safe falling asleep. It continued throughout my adulthood. Dr. Rob recommended sleep therapy, but because of the pandemic, I never went. So, I continued with my methods. But after a while of us sleeping together, I noticed it. With you, I'm able to relax. There's no danger." Her voice was trembling; her body slightly shaking. She was about to share the key part of my secret. Vulnerable information. "You make me feel safe."

There were so many tears coming down. Despite her clothes, Maya felt naked.

Suddenly, those warm arms that protected her at night were surrounding her. "Thank you for sharing with me."

She snuggled closer, bathing in his heat. She let out a laugh, trying to lighten the mood. "My emotions are all over the place with you. My body feels safe with you at night, but my heart kept you away," she said, referring to what caused their breakup about two months ago.

He squeezed her. "Emotions are complicated. Just got to navigate through them."

After a while, she finally pulled away and thanked him. "It was a good day. Long, but good. My mood has been on quite a high. I signed a new contract I'm very satisfied with, we had a nice dinner with our families." She took a step back and ogled at the outfit he had on—just like she had done countless times throughout the day. "You wore my favorite suit. It was a great day."

He smiled at her, seeing the happy tears in her eyes. "It was a perfect day." His hands came to her shoulder and he pulled her closer. "It's good if we just relax for the rest of the night."

She took the lips he offered her and nodded. "I agree."

"How about we get you a bath?" His voice was gentle but his eyes were full of fire as his large hands smoothed down her sides.

Maya was pretty sure what he meant by this. "Will you be joining me in that bath?"

"Only if you want me to," he said with complete sincerity, his hands exploring her back.

"Of course I do. But will it be only a bath we take? Or will there be more?" Maya asked, giving him a coy smile.

He bit his lip in a way that drove her crazy. "Only if you behave."

The words and tone went straight to Maya's pussy, making it quiver.

Namjoon didn't have a daddy kink, and neither did Maya; however, she quickly discovered on their first night together that she did have a good girl kink. He came to swiftly enjoy the kink himself, loving how her body responded to it.

"I've been wanting to give you a bath for so long," he said, bending down so his lips hovered just above her shoulder blade. "You've been so good—I want to reward you."

Maya's pussy clenched and whimpered, turning very wet very quickly.

He noticed her shiver and couldn't help but give a sinister smile. He moved her collar down so his lips could leave butterfly kisses on her skin.

She let out a high gasp. "Namjoon." Her fingers gripped at his jacket.

"Hmmm," he murmured as he explored her exposed neck, his fingers coming to her upper back so he could fiddle with the buttons. She had on a semi-conservative dress, one that she normally never wore but had done so since they had gone out with their parents. While he preferred clothes that showed off her shoulders and curves, she looked damn good in anything she had on. Right now, though, he preferred she was wearing nothing.

"Are you sure?" she made herself ask. She hated to ask but knew she should.

He made his way to her earlobe. "Yes." His tongue tasted her pulse. When he felt her moan, he took her skin in between his teeth and bit a little. "I want to make love to you." His mouth went lower, skimming down her neck.

Another shiver went through her but then she immediately went still.

He pulled away and looked down into her rich, maple eyes. They were a little wide as she processed what he had just said. But then there was a slight look of humor in her eyes and the corner of her lips turned up the tiniest bit. He knew her facial expressions so well. He smiled, knowing how the phrase might have come out. "That came out corny—"

She giggled. "No. I mean, yes it kind of did, but I definitely didn't take it that way at first."

"Then what's so funny?" He asked not helping a chuckle from coming out.

She held back another giggle. "You totally made me swoon," she said as a light blush appeared on her cheeks. "And it was corny. If any other guy would have said that I would have walked right out the door. How the hell do you do that?"

"Do what?" He was pretty sure he knew what she meant, but his ego wanted to hear it.

"You know what." Her blush was coming back.

"I want to hear you say it," he admitted, pulling her back because she was backing away.

She let out a sigh and let him pull her back. "You have this way with words. And so many times the things you say are so simple, but you still manage to make me turn to mush." She stared up at him with an incredulous look. "'Make love'??? No one can make that sound good. Not unless you have Kim Namjoon's deep, timbre voice of course. A voice so goddamn low, it can soak any woman's panties."

It was his turn to blush. "Thanks?"

She smacked him, playfully, still looking a little shy. "We haven't done this in a while. You have to take it easy on me."

He let out a low chuckle as he dipped down, his mouth claiming hers in a soft kiss. "I'll take it nice and slow."

She felt the twelfth shudder at the last minute come over her body.

His lips pecked the tip of her nose. "How about you get ready? Bring the wine glasses with you. I'll start the bath." He didn't give her time to respond. He pulled away, squeezed her ass, and headed to his room.

Maya stood there, frozen for a moment. She smacked her face, snapping herself out of it. Walking into Namjoon's room, she took her luggage and took out her robe and fresh underwear. She didn't bring any sleepwear since Namjoon liked her in his clothes. She poked her head into the hall that lead to the bath, making sure she had full privacy as she undressed and put on her robe. Stuffing her clean underwear into one of the robe pockets, she went back to the kitchen to retrieve the wine glasses.

When she returned to the room, she noticed Namjoon standing over her things. "Where's your bath stuff?"

She handed the wine to him as she took out the items she used when she bathed. Before she could make her way to the bathroom, Namjoon blocked her. He placed the wine on his desk and took the items.

"I'll take care of it. Give me a few minutes," he said and disappeared to the end of the hall.

Maya tried not to laugh at his cuteness. As he prepared the bath, she organized the side of the bed she usually took up when she slept over at Namjoon's. She didn't miss how some of her old items were still there. Despite them having broken up for a month, he had left everything of hers where it was. Her heart fluttered at this.

"Ready babe," came Namjoon's voice.

She turned to the hall and just about let out a loud moan. The Adonis-like man she called her boyfriend was standing in nothing but a pair of boxers, his hands clutched together, covering his flat stomach.

Namjoon didn't have a model-like body but he worked out plenty. He had lost a lot of weight during their breakup, but he had gone back to the gym. His thick, muscled arms and broad chest gave evidence of that. And those thick-ass thighs showed off the fact that he cycled often.

"Stop ogling or your bath is gonna get cold," he chided, his face looking a little shy.

She walked over to him, giving him a flirtatious smile. “Kind of hard not to, handsome.” When she got to him, her hands reached out to his chest and gave both sets of his boobs a squeeze. They were so firm.

"Stop," he said, moving his body away.

She laughed and began to walk towards the bathroom.

He smacked her ass as she passed him. The robe was thin enough that she felt the intensity of it. "Hey!" She covered her ass as she sent him a glare.

"You don't like it, do you?"

"I didn't smack you. Plus, you grabbed my ass earlier."

The couple came to the bathtub and Maya just about came down to her knees. This man had lit several candles, added bubbles to the bath, and there was some soft music playing from the speaker on the sink.

Namjoon came behind her, his arms wrapping around her middle. He brought his lips next to her ear. "I'm the one who does the smacking in this relationship," he let out in a low whisper.

This time, Maya almost did come to her knees. She held tight to his forearms. "Damn you," she hissed at him when he caught her and let out a laugh.

"Let's get you inside, baby. It's full of your favorite bath salts," he explained and moved them closer to the tub. His fingers came to her belt and started to undo it.

She leaned back into his big, tall frame, loving how sturdy he felt.

His fingers came up to her neck. He began to push down the only piece of cloth that was covering her. As he pulled it down her shoulders, his lips traced her exposed skin. He was teasing her by how long he took to take off a simple robe off her. That was definitely what she thought he was doing, but in reality, Namjoon wanted to take his time. He wanted to marvel and soak in little bits of the beauty that was Maya. He hadn't seen her naked in months and he wanted to ease into it. That was the whole reason for the bath—to ease into each other again.

When her robe finally fell to their feet, Namjoon's eyes roamed over her gorgeous bust. Nipples so pretty and pointy, clearly aroused. Clearly inviting. His fingers moved forward, tracing patterns on the sides of her heavy breasts. He wanted nothing more than to bury his face in them. But he kept himself controlled. He had all night.

"Inside you go," he said to her, his hand coming to her lower back and giving her a slight push.

Maya shook her head, trying to make herself alert. She was about to take a step into the tub but felt Namjoon's hand take hold of hers. The hand he had on her waist steadied her. She understood what he was doing. Using him as support, Maya got into the tub, loving the way how hot the water felt. She was a fan of hot showers and baths; Namjoon of course knew this. He didn't enjoy the hot showers but had mentioned in the past that hot baths he could tolerate since they felt like a jacuzzi.

She let out a satisfying moan in the water as she felt Namjoon stepping in. She opened her eyes, internally cursing at herself. She was about to miss his naked glory!

However, she was quickly disappointed. "You're not taking them off?" she pouted as her eyes became level with his boxers instead of his naked cock.

Holding onto both ends of the tub, Namjoon let out a smile. "Not yet."

He almost laughed at her huff but held back. It would only irritate her. And he wanted her to fully enjoy this.

"No fair you get to see me naked—that's sexist."

He rolled his eyes and took the cup he had set aside. "I can't see anything at the moment, now can I?" he asked as he motioned to the bubbles. "Head back, please."

Another huff came out of her but she complied. She rested her head on his chest as he wet her hair, making sure he didn't get her face.

"I should have taken off my makeup," she said, helping him keep the water off her face.

"Your facial products are there. How about you handle your face and I handle your hair?" he suggested as he motioned to a spot that contained her cleaning products.

She did as he suggested. Namjoon focused on her hair as she used wipes to clean her face. She could do a full facial cleaning in the morning. She wanted to enjoy the pampering.

Namjoon was good with his fingers as he worked the product into her scalp.

"That feels amazing," she moaned as she fell into his chest.

"Good," he whispered. He took the cup again to rinse her hair, his fingers still massaging her. Once satisfied with his work, he took her bar soap and washcloth.

Maya's eyes were fully closed and lost to her surroundings, which was why her body jerked at the feel of Namjoon's hands taking hold of her breasts. She looked down and quickly noticed what he was doing. "Warn a girl next time."

He let out a low chuckle. "Just relax, girl. I got you." One of his hands contained the washcloth and was cleaning one of her breasts, while his other hand simply held onto its twin. He was gentle, once again, ensuring he took his time cleaning every inch of her. He took both of her nipples in his fingers and rolled them softly.

Maya twisted on top of him, rubbing against his groin. Her hands went behind her and she took him into her hands.

He pulled away. "It's not about me tonight, babe. Tonight's all about you," he said, his hand squeezing a breast and his fingers giving her nipple a light pinch. "Just enjoy it."

"I want you to enjoy it, too," she said, feeling her skin melting into his.

"I am." He placed light kisses on her neck. "Really."

She turned her face to look up at his. "You're not just saying that?"

He gave her a small smile. "When it comes to loving you, I'll always be fully honest with you. Promise." He pressed his nose against hers.

Her hand went to capture his neck, pulling him back to her so she could kiss him. "When you say things like that I don't feel I deserve you. You're too good."

He pushed her back so they could look into each other's eyes. "You deserve the world."

A single tear came down as stared up at him. "You are my world." She reached up to his lips once again.

The kiss was slow and steady at first. His tongue grazed her bottom lip. She let out a moan and opened her mouth, allowing him more access to her. His tongue danced with hers for a while, both of their arousals heating up. His hands went down her stomach, rubbing and cleaning her sides with slow tenderness. He got to her thighs and went at a turtle's pace, fingers moving an inch at a time. His fingers gradually made their way toward her middle.

She sucked in a breath of air once his fingers reached her center. He hadn't touched her clit or lips yet, but the fact that he was closer than before drove her wild. "Namjoon."

"Tell me," he whispered into her ear, his fingers tracing small patterns just millimeters from her clit. His fingers pressed a little harder, loving how her moan turned deeper.

"I need your fingers," she breathed out, her ass grinding onto his cock. "On my pussy."

"That's a good girl, using your words," he said as his fingers moved to where she wanted.

Her fingers dug into his thighs as she felt his fingertips finally touch her throbbing clit.

His lips came to her neck, nipping and biting her slightly. He took in her moans and increased his speed, feeling her clit pulse and grow hot. The moment her breath pitched and her back arched, he slowed down. He took her button in between two fingers and lightly pinched it.

A small sob came out of her lips when he continued to go at a snail's pace. The buildup within her was getting restless. She needed release. "Baby, pleeeease."

Her sounds made his dick hard. "What?" he asked innocently as if he wasn't aware of the chaos he was stirring inside her. "My fingers are on your pussy."

She dug her nails into his upper thighs, making him inhale sharply. "Inside me."

"All you had to do was ask," he said then his fingers further down. Once they reached her opening, he felt her relax a little.

He pressed his middle finger into her inner lips, moving it up and down, exciting her. His pace was steady and firm. After a few strokes, he then moved into her opening. Then, ever so gently, his fingertip went inside of her.

They let out a moan in unison, each loving the feeling for different reasons.

Namjoon could feel Maya's walls pulse around his finger as they swallowed it in. Maya's restlessness tamed at his touch.

His finger moved in and out of her, loving the way it made her ass rub harder against him. He was sure if she kept it up, he was going to cum in his boxers. However, he pressed down his orgasm and focused on bringing her to full satisfaction. She had taken enough teasing from him. She deserved a bit of release.

Using another finger, he inserted it inside her and picked up the pace. He went a little harder on her, knowing how quickly she came undone when he did so.

Having two fingers stimulating her caused Maya's toes to curl. Her climax was just a breath away. She could feel it. She could taste it.

Namjoon's strokes became a little rougher and harder. His other fingers pressed onto her clit and rubbed at a fast and hard pace.

Maya's legs began to quiver at his touch. "So close."

His fingers curled in, grazing at a special spot inside her. His fingers went further in, the tips pressing against that spongy sack. "Come on, baby. Be a good girl. Cum for me."

Her entire body jerked and exploded above his as she finally reached her climax. Her heart raced; her skin caught on fire. God, she almost forgot how good this felt.

While her toys and her fingers had kept her satisfied the last couple of months, nothing compared to when Namjoon brought her to fruition. When she self-pleasured herself, it was all about physical hunger and an itch she needed to scratch. With Namjoon...it was always more than that. It was always physical, of course, but the emotional element she brought out of her added an extra layer of bliss.

It took a couple of minutes for Maya's body to calm down and for her breaths to become steady. All the while, Namjoon's hands caressed her, helping bring her down to earth.

Once settled, she cuddled against him, rubbing her head to his neck.

"Have you come back to me?" he asked, his hand making circles on her stomach.

She gave a simple nod. "I think it's time for us to get to bed." She turned her neck and pecked his chest.

"Yeah?"

Another nod.

He pressed her back a little, signaling her to move forward.

She obeyed with a pout. He made his way out of the tub and she was quick to notice the tent on his boxers. She really needed to fix that once they got to bed.

He dried himself quickly and then offered her his hand. Taking it, she got to her feet and held onto both his hands as she climbed out. She didn't miss how he stared at her naked frame for a good, long moment before he wrapped a towel around her soaking skin.

Taking his time, he dried her hair, his eyes mostly on her tits and pussy than where he was drying. She didn't mind. Her eyes were feeding on his own titties and arms. He had wrapped the towel around his damn middle so she couldn't drool over his tent.

After drying her skin, he took her robe off the floor and tied it around her.

She turned to the side and noticed the wine. "We forgot about that."

He took the glasses and offered her one. "One last sip, so they don't go completely to waste."

"It lost its fizzle," she argued.

"Just one sip," he urged.

She rolled her eyes. Of course, he wouldn't want to waste an expensive product. She gave in and took a good, long sip. She knew if she didn't, he would only have her drink more.

He took one more sip himself, making a face as he gulped.

Maya laughed. "Told you."

He set the glasses back down. "I'll clean all this up tomorrow. Promise."

Maya knew he said it because he knew she had a bit of a cleaning problem. It's not like she had OCD, but messiness did bother her a little.

He offered her his arm to take. She did so and forgot about the mess they were walking out of. Together they made their way down the hall and to his bed.

Once they arrived at the foot of the bed, Maya turned towards Namjoon and tugged at the towel around his waist. "Your turn," she said with a coy smile.

He smiled back at her but took her hands in his. "Maybe another night. I told you; tonight is all about you. I meant it."

"But I like giving you attention. If this is about me, then shouldn't you give in to my wants?" She sulked.

He chuckled. "Tonight being about you has nothing to do with giving into your demands. Even if you do look super cute pouting."

Maya narrowed her eyes at him. "Don't call me—"

He shut her up with a heated kiss. His fingers threaded into her hair as he pulled her roughly against his body.

Maya forgot about what she was arguing about. His lips worked magic and made her forget everything else.

His fingers came between them and untied her robe. The cloth was on the floor in under two seconds. All that foreplay in the tub was making him want to be inside her. Soon.

It was only after she was fully naked that she was then allowed to tug at his towel and push down his boxers. She might not be able to go down on him tonight, but she was grateful that she could at least touch his thick member.

Her hands took full advantage, wrapping around him and squeezing him.

The action caused him to pull his lips from hers to let out a hiss.

She took the opportunity to bend her head and look down at his throbbing member.

God, he was fucking gorgeous. He was so thick and hard and had a nice girth. Using her tongue and mouth, she gathered a good amount of spit and aimed. The liquid fell off her mouth and landed at the base of his cock. She heard him let out another hiss once it made contact with his skin. Using her spit as lube, she moved her hands up and down his length, taking pleasure in hearing his sounds.

She took the head of his cock and twisted her wrist during her movements. Her thumb pressed onto his piss slit. Her other hand reached beneath him and took hold of one of his balls.

"Shit," he hissed. He couldn't contain himself anymore. It had been a mistake to let her touch him. Just as he knew her body well, she knew his.

He took hold of her curvy waist and lifted her easily.

A squeak escaped her.

He dropped her down on his bed. She read him well and went further up the bed. Once she was settled at the head and lying on the pillows, Namjoon simply stared at her.

"Shit, baby. You're beautiful," he said as his eyes tried to take in all of her.

Her eyes dropped to his member, standing fully erect and pointing right at her. It looked furious, needing a pussy to settle inside of. Her pussy only got wetter at the anticipation. "You're one to talk." She reached for him. "Come here."

His knees came to the bed and he crawled over to her, his body moving above hers. "I wanted to take this slow. But you're making it difficult."

She bit his lip, loving how he hovered above her. "Sorry."

He shook his head. "Not being a really good girl."

A loud moan came out from her lips.

Using his legs, he maneuvered her, making her spread her legs wide open. "Bad girls get bad treatment, did you know that?" His hand boldly pressed through her lower lips then came down with a light smack.

Maya almost came for the second time right at that moment. "Fuck!" Her hips twisted underneath him; her hands reached up to take hold of his forearms to keep steady.

He did it one more time, loving seeing her come apart.

She dug her fingernails into his skin, letting out a hiss.

He took hold of her thighs and pushed her legs straight up. Using one hand to hold her that way, he took his cock in his other hand and pressed the head of his cock onto her opening. "You on the pill, baby?"

She mewled. "Mmm-hmmm."

Both had a breeding kink. He knew once he put his dick inside her, it was going to be difficult cuming anywhere else other than her pussy.

He stroked his member against her pussy lips a few times, wanting her wetter. He was fairly big and they hadn't been sexually active for so long. He wanted this to be as easy for her as possible, which meant she needed to be as much around as possible.

Placing his cock head on her clit, he used two fingers to stretch her. Her walls welcomed him, squeezing his fingers. He pushed knuckle-deep, easily due to her arousal. He pulled back and came back inside her with a third finger.

"Yeeeesss," she moaned, moving her hips. She didn't have control over her legs since he was still holding them straight up, so it was the only thing she could do.

After several rubs, he pulled his digits out and placed the head of his cock onto her entrance. Her hole easily took him in. He felt her squeeze around him. "Easy, baby."

"Want you in," she moaned.

He pushed in a little further and her cunt suckled everything he gave. "Shit, you feel better than I remember," he let out as he pulled out slowly.

A whimper escaped her top lips. "Want you fully in," she nearly begged as she wiggled her hips. Hated that he had control over her legs. She wanted to wrap them around his waist and push him further in. Bring all of his long inches inside of her.

"We got time, baby. Just enjoy it." With the same slow rhythm, he moved back into her.

He continued at this pace for far too long, tipping her near the edge but not allowing her to fully fall. The slow strokes allowed the lube he needed to go balls-deep but also made the knot in her stomach go insane.

Maya felt insanely stretched. Even though she had been playing with herself lately with a dildo almost as big as Namjoon's cock, nothing could have prepped her for the real thing. There was something about Namjoon's cock that hit every sensitive area in her. It was long enough to pound a sweet spot deep inside, but not long enough that made the experience more uncomfortable than pleasurable. Its girth was thick enough to stretch her in sweet ecstasy, but not too much for it to be considered painful. And that thick vein along the underside of his length rubbed her walls just right. He really had a Goldie Locks kind of cock that complimented her pussy just right.

He popped his dick inside and pulled out almost immediately. Then, ever so slowly, he would press back inside her, only to pull out until just the head was inside her. He waited a few moments and pressed into her in a rough stroke. He pulled back out slowly once again and came back in with the same excruciating pace.

"Goddddd," she whined.

He moved her legs to her side, his cock hitting another sweet spot. "Ready to cum, baby?" His hips pushed forward, hard and rough, igniting a gasp out of her. He smiled.

"Yes," she moaned out. "Please." She reached forward and took ahold of his forearms. She had better control of her hips now, so she twisted them with desperation. "I need you."

He finally quickened his thrusts, loving the feel of her wetness and tightness around him. "You feel so fucking good, baby."

His movements were now causing squishing sounds to come out of their joined organs. She felt a gush of wetness coming out of her at hearing this. "Oh my god."

As he went faster, her boobs began to move. They looked so fucking appetizing. He bent forward and took one of her breasts into his mouth, sucking on her nipple.

Reaching out, she scratched at his chest. Her mouth opened to let out another sound, but she found her voice got stuck in her throat. He was hitting a spot that felt so damn good, it was causing her to go voiceless.

Seeing her mouth so wide open, he caught drool coming out of the corner of her mouth. Fuck, that was hot. He pulled his lips from her tit and sat straight up again, taking hold of her thigh and using it as leverage to pump faster into her. He could feel his balls tighten. He was close. But he wanted more time.

He moved her legs again. He spread them wide on either side of him but wrapped his hands on the front of her thighs to keep her from wrapping around him. He used this new angle to grip her and pull her towards him harder.

This new angle allowed him to have a great view of her bouncing breasts and face that was full of ecstasy.

Bucking her hips vigorously, she felt herself getting to the edge. "Almost."

He let go of one of her legs, moving his fingers to her clit. His fingers moved at the same vigorous pace as his hips. "Come on, baby."

Her eyes rolled back as her spine arched against his body. His cock was hitting such a honied area and his fingers were working beautiful magic on her. She was on the very tip, ready to erupt around him. His voice and words duplicated the amount of energy she was about to send out.

He bent at the waist, his rhythm never changed, and whispered ever so deep, "Be my good girl. Give me one more."

Her entire world came apart. Light no longer existed, touch and feel had ceased to exist.

Feeling her walls tighten around him, her body quiver underneath him, and hearing her let out a strong wail was all he needed. He pressed forward one last time and felt himself spill inside her. His body too shook from the intensity.

She let out a moan at the feel of his seed. Her arms wrapped around him, inviting his full weight on her.

He stayed like that, on top of her, forgetting how much he weighed. She just felt so nice underneath him. Her softness felt like a pillow.

It took a couple of minutes for him to realize he was probably crushing her. He immediately pushed off. "Sorry, babe."

She let out a small whine. "Mmm. You felt nice." A shiver came over her body at being separated from his warmth.

He noticed her coldness and pulled her to his chest, warming her.

She let out a sigh and snuggled. "So that's what making love is?" she asked, a little chuckle coming out.

He smiled at her teasing and kissed her forehead. "Did you enjoy it?"

She nodded. After several moments of silence, she spoke again. "You won't put on the ondol tonight?" There was a hint of concern in her tone.

"Well, it is winter. If I leave it off, we'll freeze to death," he teased. "But I'll keep it low. I promise."

Her next words were just above a whisper. He was certain she was falling asleep. "I just don't want it to be too warm. If I'm too warm, my body won't need you to keep warm. And I want to need you."

Other than when she told him she loved him, no other words she had said had moved him like this. He bent down and took her mouth into his.

Even as she was half asleep, she still felt the passion. They'd had plenty of intense, hot kisses. But this one reminded her of that first one they shared when they got back together. It was beyond passion. Beyond longing. It was full of love.

He pulled away slowly. "I want you to need me, too."

She smiled at him, her eyes heavy and closing.

He kissed her shut eyelids, marveling at her beauty. "Mai?"

"Mmmmm," she barely let out.

"I love you," he said with his full heart.

"I love you," she breathed out, her voice full of contentment. He swore that if she was a cat, she'd be purring.

----------------------

“I want to give you a blowjob.”

Namjoon choked on the swig of water he had just taken. The two of you were watching TV. Actually, Namjoon was watching TV. You were sitting on the floor at the coffee table with your laptop out to answer some work emails. But, you were distracted. Specifically by Namjoon’s shorts. More specifically, Namjoon’s thighs in said shorts. The smooth golden skin was begging for your lips and your fingers itched to scratch your nails down to his knees. Then, your eyes naturally glided further up to the apex of his thighs. Where you knew his cock was resting. Again, just begging to be in your mouth. The thought of your jaw and throat aching while he lost it above you consumed your mind. All hope was lost then.

“You…um. Sorry. You want to do that?”

You cocked your head to the side. “Uh, yeah. Wait, did you want me to ask? I’ll ask. Can I give you a blowjob? Please?”

Namjoon chuckled. “No, no. You don’t have to ask. It’s just, y’know, are you sure?”

“Yes,” you said slowly. What was he not getting? “Do you not want one?”

“No! No, oh my god. I want that. I definitely want that. That’s not the issue.”

“Then, what is?”

Namjoon blew out a breath that fluttered the hair that rested on his forehead. He cupped the back of his neck and rubbed awkwardly. “I’ve never had someone do that to me before. So-”

“What?” You would have been less shocked if he had told you that he was a closeted furry. The two of you had only been dating for about a month so the in-depth what things did your ex do in bed conversation hadn’t been fully fleshed out yet. You knew he had lost his virginity to his previous girlfriend and they had had a healthy sex life, so you had just assumed that him receiving oral was part of that. Yet…this man, this absolute Adonis of a man had never gotten his cock sucked? It was the most absurd thing you had ever heard in your life. “Hold on. You had a girlfriend before me, right? She didn’t go down on you? Ever?”

Namjoon looked like he wanted the couch to swallow him whole but you barely noticed. You were too busy experiencing the shock of your fucking life. “I did. But she - uh, no. She didn’t want to and I didn’t want to pressure her.”

Your heart melted a little before you shut your laptop. Healthy sex life your ass. You were sucking this mans dick and that was final. “I’m going to give you a blowjob, Namjoon. Right now.” You turned to him and began crawling forward. His eyes flew to your ass that swayed in the air and he audibly swallowed. “If you don’t want me to then you need to tell me within the next thirty seconds.”

“Oh God,” he whimpered and spread his legs a little wider. You were salivating. “Yes. As long as you’re sure-” Whatever he was going to say was cut off by a heavy groan as your hands slid up his thighs. Finally, you smiled to yourself as you bent your fingers and allowed your nails to dig into the meat of his inner thigh.

“I have a thing for your thighs,” you murmured. “Never realized I had a thigh kink until I met you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I want to ride your thighs. Will you let me?”

“God, yes.” Namjoon went to reach for your arms but you batted his hands away. This wasn’t about you right now. This was about him. You reached for your hair and quickly pulled it into a sloppy bun. His eyes followed your movements and you didn’t miss how the bulge in his shorts twitched.

“I need you to tell me if I do something that you don’t like, okay? I want to make you feel good. Don’t be afraid to talk to me. If you like something, let me know. If not, then definitely let me know.” Namjoon nodded feverishly. His eyes were almost black and his chest was straining against his white top. You smirked to yourself. This was going to be fun.

Bending down, you pressed a kiss to the top of his thigh. Your mouth dragged along his skin and you relished in the way he quivered beneath you. Following the seam of his leg before doing the same on the other. Nails pressed little crescent moons into his flesh before your thumbs smoothed over the marks. Your nose lifted the loose material of his shorts up to his hips and skimmed the exposed areas as your tongue reached out to flick the little freckle that found a home on his hip before you set your sights on his dick that was straining for you. Lips that had previously kissed his skin now moved to the fabric that jailed his heavy cock. Sitting back, your thumb traced the underside of his dick softly before you barely brushed over the head. The cotton dragged against your finger and Namjoon huffed loudly before lifting his hips further into your touch.

“Don’t tease.” Namjoon’s voice had lowered a few octaves and the deep tone had you clenching your thighs. His hands fisted the pillows next to him and you could feel the restraint he was exacting on himself through the trembling of his muscles.

“I’m not,” you promised. “I’m just making sure you’re ready.”

“I am. Swear to God.”

Unable to keep the smile off your face, you nodded and reached for the waistband of his shorts. He lifted his hips and helped you shove the material to his ankles. That was when you realized two things.

One, he was right. His cock laid thick and proud on his stomach and was weeping for you. He was of average length but his girth let you know that were going to struggle to fit him in your mouth. The thought only made you shiver in delight. A phantom pain panged in your gut when you took in the slight curve of the head, knowing it was going to hit everything you needed.

Second, he had the prettiest cock you had ever seen. You never thought dicks were pretty. In fact, you were pretty resolute on that thought. Most likely due to the disgusting amount of unsolicited dick pics you had received in your life. But, Namjoon’s?  You wanted to take a picture, frame it and admire it whenever you wanted to. The skin that stretched around his width was a shade darker than the rest of him and his cock head, a pretty red color, made you want to see how far down you could get the flush to go.

You wrapped your hand around his length and twisted up. Namjoon’s back arched off the couch and a string of curses fell off of his lips. Your thumb collected the glistening pre-cum on his tip and used it to smooth your palm over him.

“I normally don’t say this,” you said as you became infatuated with the vein that ran along the underside of his cock, “but if you want to send me a dick pic, I definitely won’t complain. Like, ever.”

“B-baby, I’ll give you whatever you want. Just keep doing what you’re doing.” Namjoon moaned, throwing his head back when your thumb pressed against the delicate skin that resided under the his mushroom tip.

You giggled lightly. “So sensitive. I’ve barely even started.”

Namjoon opened his mouth to say something but you didn’t give him a chance. You licked the vein that had caught your eye earlier and followed it to the top before enveloping the head of him into the heat of your mouth. You relished the broken groan that he let out. Several kitten licks were placed on his weeping slit before taking him deeper. You worked slowly, gauging his reaction as you took him further. He responded well, panting and moaning in encouragement, head still thrown back against the couch.

“You can look at me, you know,” you reminded him as he popped out of your mouth. Kisses were mouthed over the soft skin that was wrapped around the steel of his erection. Your hand used your spit as lube to tug him harder.

“Can’t,” Namjoon gasped. “Gonna blow my load if I watch you.”

“That’s kind of the whole point.”

“Not yet,” he whined. “I don’t want this to be over.”

You pinched his hip until he met your gaze, offering him a sweet smile. “This isn’t going to be the last time I get on my knees for you, baby.” You held his wide-eyed stare as you took him back into your mouth. Ignoring how his hands seemed to flutter around you, unsure of what to touch, you focused on sliding him further into your mouth. Then, you sucked hard, using your tongue to lave at the warm skin.

Namjoon lost it above you. He released a strangled moan that caused your core to absolutely gush. One hand finally tangled into your hair and the other gripped your shoulder with warning, which you ignored. You merely sucked and pulled harder. Namjoon’s hips flexed, causing the tip of him to slam into the back of your throat. Not expecting it, you couldn’t help but cough around him as your eyes watered.

“Oh, God! I’m so sorry.” Namjoon used the hand on your shoulder to yank you off. His thumbs wiped at the tears that trickled down your cheeks, the concern etched across his face made you feel warm inside. “Shit, are you okay?”

“I am, promise,” you assured him. “Just give me a second, okay?”

He nodded while pushing back some of your hair that had escaped your sloppy up-do. You gently removed his hands before looking down at his length that was still clutched in yours. As much as he had shocked you, the thought of him fucking your face was not something you shied away from. Really, it was exactly what you wanted. But you needed to prep a bit first.

When you took him back in your mouth, you focused on relaxing the muscles in your throat. Breathing deeply through your nose, you slowly worked yourself further down until your nose was pressed into the base of him. Spit trickled out of your mouth and over his balls as you pulled back. You did this a few more times, working past your gag reflex and allowing your throat to get used to the intrusion.

Namjoon was anything but quiet as you deep throated him. It was honestly the sexiest thing you had ever heard. While your past lovers hadn’t necessarily been quiet, the praises Namjoon kept raining on you and the beautiful noises he made were music to your ears. Your body certainly agreed. Your cunt ached to be filled and the fabric of your panties was soaked through. But, you ignored your needs and focused on the panting man before you.

“Okay,” you nodded as you popped him out of your mouth. “I’m ready.”

It took Namjoon’s brain a few seconds to process what you said. He shifted restlessly on the couch cushions as you ran your hands over his thighs. “Huh? W-what did you say?”

“I’m ready for you to fuck my face.”

His pupils were blown wide as he stared at you with an open mouth. “Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.”

“What if I want it to hurt?” You stared at him while purring the words that was his undoing. Namjoon’s eyes got impossibly darker as his chest expanded with a sharp intake of breath. He spread his legs wider and gently held the back of your head as he guided you down his shaft. You held eye contact with him as he cautiously raised his hips to meet your lips. Once he saw no signs of distress from you, he began thrusting more consistently as you bobbed your head to match his rhythm.

His steady movements didn’t last long but it didn’t bother you. You were more than happy to take over for him. Like you said, this wasn’t going to be the last time you worshipped his cock. The two of you had plenty of time to figure things out. Plus, knowing how much you clearly affected him gave you all the motivation you needed.

Your throat began to tense up again so you focused your attentions on his sensitive head and let your hands twist up to your mouth and back down. The sounds of your palm gliding along his slick skin and your lips sucking tightly filled the spacious living room. They were nearly drowned out by Namjoon, though.

“Baby, oh f-fuck…shit,” he keened loud and hard when your other hand moved to brush over his swollen balls. You cupped them gently and rolled them between your fingers. Even as he was practically thrashing against you, hips thrusting in an aimless rhythm, the hand he had originally placed on the back of your head remained there. He applied no pressure, allowing you to set the pace, but it also seemed to ground him. To remind him that this wasn’t a dream.

“M’gonna cum. Baby…baby, I’m gonna cum. Soon, oh God,” he babbled. You appreciated the warning but you didn’t need it. He was twitching wildly in your mouth and your tongue was coated with the salty essence of his pre-cum. In response, you ran your index finger on that sensitive spot behind his balls and that’s when Namjoon exploded.

Thick ropes of white shot down your throat, causing you to almost gag. Instead, you swallowed past the reflex and took as much as you could. By the fourth stream, a bit had managed to slip past the suction of your mouth and dribble down his cock. You were quick to clean up, licking at the mess the both of you had made before returning to his tip. You suckled the sensitive head until Namjoon practically shoved you away from him.

When you looked up you were met with a glorious sight. Namjoon was completely fucked out, twitching against the couch and his broad chest heaving for air. Sweat beaded his sharp jaw line and trickled down the column of his throat. His face was tilted towards the ceiling and his hair was haphazardly pushed off of his forehead. He looked completely ruined and entirely yours.

“Was that good?” You asked softly as you rose to your feet, ignoring the sharp ache in your knees. Namjoon made an unintelligible sound in the back of his throat that you took as a resounding yes. He cracked his eyes open and looked at you with such adoration you couldn’t help but blush.

“Really?” He murmured. “Don’t get shy on me now. You can’t just suck the life out of me one second and then start blushing like a school girl immediately after.”

“It’s called duality,” you muttered as your cheeks flushed darker. Namjoon snorted and reached for you, pulling you onto his lap. His spent cock nestled between your thighs and his eyes rolled back into his head when he felt the simmering heat through the fabric of your shorts.

“I need five minutes. Then, I swear to God, I’m going to eat you out like you deserve.”

Giggling, you wrapped your arms around his neck, playing with the strands of hair at the base of his neck. “You don’t have to. This wasn’t a quid pro quo situation. I gave you a blowjob because I wanted to. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“It’s either you give me five minutes so that I can eat you out or ten minutes so I can fuck you into next week. You decide.”

His determination brought a smile to your face until you took in the purple bags under his eyes and how his eyelids kept drooping lower and lower. “How about a nap first, hm? I’ll decide after you get some sleep.”

Namjoon looked like he wanted to protest but you kissed him instead. His argument clearly wasn’t that strong because when you pulled away he was nodding in resignation. You helped him pull up his shorts and squealed when he lifted you up into his arms. Wrapping your legs around his waist, you let him carry you into the bedroom and wrap the both of you up in the comforter. You hadn’t planned on sleeping with him, wanting to get more work done while he slept. But the faint scent of his aftershave and the soft way he caressed your spine could lull an insomniac to sleep. Who were you to refuse?

“Wake me up when you decide,” Namjoon whispered into your hair. You nodded against his chest, and within minutes the two of you slipped into a deep slumber. Happy and content.

©jcwritings Do not repost, translate, or use my stories without my permission.

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masterlist

I reached for the phone in my pocket. I was so glued to my spot that if the phone had been in any location in my house, I wouldn’t have been able to reach it. My legs would not have had the strength to take me there.

I sent a quick and short message to the person I always could lean on my aunt Jia.

Even though my emotions were out of whack, my brain still functioned enough to remind me that my Tia Jia had a busy day today. And because of this, I made the message I wrote her sound like I wanted to have a casual conversation with her. Knowing she was busy with other stuff made me feel guilty. I hated to feel like a bother—thank you, childhood trauma.

As I waited for her response, I tried to remember the methods she would use to calm me.

I took a breath, held it for a few seconds, and let it out slowly. I repeated the process a few more times.

After what seemed like an eternity, I received a response from my Tia Jia, telling me she would call me once she got home. That would be hours from now.

Keeping the phone clutched in my hand, I took another breath and tried to settle down. I had managed to get myself to the living room and to the couch. I was able to regain some calmness, but I desperately wanted to talk to my tia.

I didn’t know how long I had been sitting down, but eventually, my phone rang. I was certain it was my tia. Without looking at the caller ID, I picked up, “Hey.” My voice sounded weak.

But the voice on the other end was much deeper than my Tia Jia’s. “Hey, I just finished listening to the track. Sounds great.”

“Who’s this?” I asked, confused. I looked down at the phone, then I noticed the Korean app logo on top of the call.

“Namjoon—RM,” the voice responded.

It clicked. I was cowriting a song for some friends of mine who were in a Korean group, BTS. RM was one of the members and one of the other cowriters. I sent him an email earlier today on the latest version of the track. He was simply calling me regarding it.

“Sorry,” I said.

“It’s ok,” he responded but didn’t say anything else. It was as if he was waiting, listening intently.

I wanted to hang up—I felt the need to lie about being busy and that I could call him later. But I didn’t have it in me to do so. Somehow, a part of me wanted to stay on the phone with RM. Over the years, we mainly had been colleagues. When I first met him, I developed a crush on him. However, I quickly learned how serious and private he was. Unlike most of his team members, who were more open and playful, RM was more reserved and kept a distance from people. I had always been quite the social butterfly and befriended people easily. I learned the hard way that RM took a while to break through. Today, after many years, I could confidently say we were friends. And I knew that’s what I needed right now: a friend. Someone to ground me.

After several long moments of silence, RM spoke. “Maya? Everything ok?” he asks, his voice full of concern.

I wanted to spill my guts, but once again, feeling like I didn’t want to be a burden, I lied. “I’m ok,” I said with a strained voice. But saying this lie out loud was bringing forth the emotions I had been avoiding lately. My breathing became uneven again. I was having difficulty getting the air through my lungs and I was certain RM heard it.

“Maya, slow breaths,” I heard RM say on the other end of the call.

I listened to his voice, feeling like it could be used as an anchor. I followed his instructions.

“Ok, touch each of your fingers as you count them slowly,” he instructed.

I pressed my thumb and pinky together. “One.” I moved my thumb and ring finger together. “Two.” I counted my remaining fingers at the same pace and felt myself feeling a little lighter.

“Good.” RM’s deep voice sounded clearer and I was positive it was due to regaining clarity. “How you feeling?”

“Better.” The emotions were still lingering, but they weren’t too uncontrollable.

“What happened?” Technically, it was a question but the tone in his voice made it sound more like a demand.

And I did. With all the buildup of the last months, having RM as an ear allowed me to lift some of the burden I felt off my shoulders. I spilled everything out. I admitted to my contract ending, my fear of an unclear future, the countless arguments I'd been having with my mother, my breakup with Jerry (I didn’t tell RM the reason we broke up), and the shittiness I felt for not being more upset over my breakup with Jerry—we had been together for years. Why was I not more upset??

RM let me let it all out for a good hour, giving out simple “yeahs” here and there, but mostly listening intently. And it felt good. I was never one to vent but knew I needed to. I was grateful RM allowed me to do this with him.

When it seemed as if I was done, he didn’t give advice but seemed to validate my feelings. “It’s only natural you’re going to feel stressed. All of that going through your head is bound to make your body react the way it did. I’m sure it was a panic attack you had?” It seemed more of a question than a statement.

“Yeah. I’ve had them a few times before. Usually, my aunt Jia is the one who calms things down a bit,” I said.

“Is she your Korean aunt? The one who taught you the language?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“How often do you get panic attacks?”

I thought about it for a moment. “Not very often. Just when things are too stressful, I think.”

“You think? You’ve never looked into it? To know what the cause is?”

“No, I don’t like medication. And I hate going to a doctor.” I didn’t want prescribed medication. There was too much of a history there.

“Well, you might not have to take medication. Perhaps a therapist can help figure out the root of the problem. They could assist in figuring out methods you could use to balance things to prevent the attacks from even happening—notice the signs before it gets too out of control.” He wasn’t the first to suggest therapy.

I wasn’t sure what it was about this time hearing I should see a therapist. Maybe it was because it was right after an episode had occurred or maybe because, in the past year, RM was the third person to suggest professional help. I knew about RM’s mental health struggles and knew he had sought assistance as well.

“Maybe I should see someone,” I said, surprising myself.

“You should,” he said gently.

~~~~~

Three weeks and two therapists later, I found myself sitting in the waiting room of my third therapist, feeling a combination of nerves and slight pessimism. The previous therapists I had met with didn’t seem to fit well—I had felt disappointed both times.

As much as I wanted to give up on finding the right person to help me, I tried to keep optimistic about getting the help I knew I needed.

Being a good support system, RM checked on me often. It felt as if we spoke every day, whether it was through messages or on the phone. He wanted to ensure I kept looking for the right person to assist me.

I was currently messaging RM as I sat in the lobby of my third therapist. He had sent me a paragraph of words of encouragement when the lady at the desk called my name. “Dr. Rob is ready for you, miss,” she stated.

I made my way over to the door, sending a quick response to RM to tell him I was about to meet my third (and hopefully last) therapist.

“hwaiting!” he responded.

I took a breath and reached to open the door.

But someone beat me to it. The door swung open and standing on the other side of the door, was a tall redhead. An easy smile was on his face as he said, “Welcome Maya."

*************

AN: Thank you to whoever is reading this. I appreciate you giving this story a shot. I have been working on it for close to a year, not wanting to start posting until I had the majority of the story finished. I want to release a chapter on a weekly basis and I know myself well enough to know I get writer's block every once in a while; I don't want it to get in the way of a regular posting. 🥰 Also, I posted this as "reader" to bring in more audience. I'm doing my best not to be too specific in Maya's look. I gave her a name because it works better for me as a writer. I find "Y/N" too much of a distraction. I always end up calling the reader "Yoon" or "Yuna" in my head to make it easier. There WILL be smut, but it will be many chapters from now.

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

Sometimes he thought he saw it in her eyes—he thought he felt it. If he was being completely honest, believing she felt deeply for him had been the reason why he had given her so many passes these last few weeks. His emotions for her had evolved a while back ago. He had noticed it, but kept those emotions at bay, not wanting to rush things. Not wanting to pressure her. He thought all she needed was a little bit of time to come to terms with her own feelings for him. Because he was sure she felt similar.

But he had been wrong. If she felt for him the way he did for her, she wouldn’t have treated him like this. She wouldn’t have dismissed his words. Wouldn’t have lied.

It was painful to feel the way he did and it not be reciprocated. There were so many things he wanted to say to her but couldn’t. It was like he had to censor himself more and more when he was around her. He had never needed to be mindful of his words around Maya—he told his best friend everything. However, since becoming a couple, things had gotten worse with them.

Namjoon bathed in his anger and disappointment as he walked through the hotel. The staff didn’t follow him, clearly seeing he needed space. Needed time with his emotions.

After a couple of hours, he felt calm enough to head back to his room. It was a good thing he had calmed down because he felt a fan had spotted him. He didn’t want to chance it.

When he entered his room, her aroma was in every corner. Their carnal act lingered in the air. He went to the sliding doors that lead to the balcony. He opened them wide, wanting her scent gone. He might be calmer but was still angry at her.

Not wanting to be near the bed, he took a sheet from the closet and laid on the couch.

The remaining hours of the night were spent tossing and turning, getting little sleep. He kept replaying everything about the night. Replaying Maya’s refusal to let him in.

After years of friendship, how could she still keep him at a distance? And why lie to him? Had he not shown he was worthy of being let into her heart—her world?

His self-loathing that he managed to keep buried crawled to the surface. It had made its way up and was making him doubt everything about her. He questioned if Maya ever cared for him. Questioned if she ever saw him as more than just a sex toy.

Namjoon was awake when the alarm went off. He had two hours before he had to leave for the airport to meet his friends for their trip. He had set up the alarm yesterday. It was to go off with plenty of time for him to spend with Maya. He had planned on wrapping his arms around her as she slept on. She was a heavy sleeper. The only way she woke was with an alarm or her name being called.

As someone who was a light sleeper, Namjoon would think he would be jealous of how easy it was for her to stay asleep. But he genuinely was happy to see her rest so peacefully. He liked knowing she woke to him calling for her.

Today marked their 100 days together. He had planned to gently wake her and present her with a gift. Even though he was set to fly out today, he had planned out the few hours they would have together. Maya wasn’t one to be sentimental, not being much of a fan of materials, but he was certain of the jewelry he had bought her. He, too, wasn’t one to lavish on gifts, but he liked the idea of splurging on her.

He could play the scenario in his head: after giving her the gift, she would have given him that smile that always melted him. She would have attacked him with kisses. Maybe they would have time for cuddles and breakfast in bed before he took off.

It was all a lie, the self-loathing voice whispered in the darkness.

But Namjoon managed to recognize the demon and shut him down. After years of practice, he learned to push down the side of himself that he was not proud of. He needed to find his voice of confidence. The one who was logical and reasonable.

Maya might have lied to you last night about talking to her mother, but her feelings for you are genuine—his reasonable voice said loudly.

With the demon locked down, Namjoon began to think clearly.

Suddenly, he replayed all last night with a different filter. One that was more observant and not so engulfed with anger.

God, what the fuck had happened? Things had seemed to be good between them. But then she had lied—again. She kept blocking him off for some reason he couldn’t understand. Why wouldn’t she let him in?

Racking his brain, he tried to search for the answer.

And as he did, his thoughts eventually came to a memory from a couple of years ago….

Seollal 2021 – Kim Household

“Thank you for doing the dishes, Maya. You really didn’t have to,” Eomuni said to Maya as Maya finished cleaning the last dish.

Maya smiled at Eomuni. “It’s the least I could do. Thank you so much for the meal,” she said for maybe the 10th time that night.

Maya’s constant gratitude made Namjoon smile. He found her so cute like this, so polite.

He’d gotten used to the foul-mouth, free-spirited side of Maya in the last year. Around older people and in the public eye, she had perfect manners. It was nice to see different sides of her.

The Kim family made their way to the living room where they spent it playing games for the next few hours. Maya fit well with Appa, who was very much like her and got competitive. She managed to keep things light and fun, mixing well with Namjoon’s parents and sister.

After a couple of hours playing, his parents seemed to have gotten tired and got ready to call it a day. Before heading to bed, though, Eomuni and Appa went on their nightly walk with Rapmon, Namjoon’s dog.

Namjoon, Maya, and Sissy continued playing their game and having light conversations.

Sissy excused herself to the bathroom, leaving Namjoon alone with Maya.

“Thanks for inviting me, Namjoon. I really appreciate it,” Maya said with a smile.

He smiled back. “No one should spend Seollal alone. Plus, my mom always has extra food.”

“Gotta thank Sissy for letting me room with her. I hate she has to share it with me.”

“She doesn’t mind. She really likes your company,” Namjoon said honestly.

His entire family enjoyed Maya’s company. His mother had talked non-stop with her and his father had laughed all evening. His sister clung to Maya’s every word, much like a little sister would admire an older sister. Even his dog, Rapmon, had constantly been at Maya’s side.

Namjoon was happy the entire household had welcomed her so well. He felt bad she spent the holidays alone. While she wasn’t Korean and the holidays didn’t mean anything to her, he didn’t like the idea of her not being around loved ones. She must be missing her parents.

It had been the second holiday Namjoon had invited her to spend with his family. Last time she had insisted on leaving after dinner; this time, his mother convinced Maya to stay the night.

He was glad for his mother; he truly disliked the thought of Maya driving this late at night.

Just as Sissy came back from the bathroom, Namjoon’s parents and Rapmon walked into the home. Rampon ran immediately to Maya, who welcomed him with plenty of love and petting.

“Well, we’re gonna call it a night, everyone,” Eomuni said with a smile. She waved to pair as she and Appa started to climb the stairs.

“Don’t stay up too late,” Appa said as he too climbed the stairs.

“Daughter, come on,” Eomuni called out to Sissy.

Sissy had just sat down next to Maya. She looked devasted. “I’m not sleepy, though.”

“You’re waking up early with me to make breakfast, come on,” Eomuni insisted.

Maya sat up. “I can help with breakfast, too.”

Eomuni waved her hand at Maya. “You’ll do no such thing as a guest. Come, daughter.”

Sissy was obedient but she still left with a pout. Despite his sister being in her mid-20s, Namjoon still saw a baby in her and smiled fondly at her. He watched her stomp off.

After his parents were gone, Namjoon found himself and Maya talking deep into the night.

He wasn’t sure how the conversation led to him telling her a story of a family trip when he was younger. It was one from his childhood, before joining Bangtan. Throughout the trip, the four family members had been inseparable. It had been full of fun, laughter, and love.

While Maya had a sweet smile on her face as he told the story, Namjoon took notice there was some sadness in her eyes as well. Could it be because the story was bringing a memory of her own childhood with her family?

“What were your family trips like?” Namjoon asked, curiously.

Much of Maya’s childhood was a secret. He knew she had a complicated relationship with her mother and she never mentioned her father. But that always couldn’t have been the case, right? She grew up wealthy—surely, she must have traveled to some pretty amazing places.

“We only ever went to Mexico. Mostly, we were sent there to visit my grandparents during the holidays. I don’t remember many holidays with my parents,” she said as a matter of fact, but Namjoon was quick to notice how she tugged at her long sleeves, pulling them over her hands.

He didn’t think she was cold. She had taken off her sweater a few minutes ago. He wondered if the action was caused for another reason. “You never traveled with your parents?”

Maya nodded. “My parents mostly spent their money on our extracurricular activities. Anything to get us out of the house.” She muttered the last part, throwing Namjoon off. “I only started to travel when I was in my girl group. I took a trip to Busan when I was a teenager, but that was because of my Tia Jia. My mother thought it was a waste but didn’t forbid me since it was my Tia Jia’s graduation present for me.”

“No travel?” Namjoon asked again, still not believing it.

“Just a ton of lessons from the top teachers money could afford.”

“How many activities were you in?” he asked her, shocked.

She thought for a moment. “Ballet, gymnastics, horseback riding, violin, piano, vocal training, guitar, soccer, volleyball. I eventually gave up ballet and gymnastics and took different dancing classes. I hated putting my horse Selena in competitions, so I only did it for like three years. And then I grew tired of the music lessons. My mom didn’t like me at home, though, so I had to pick other activities. That’s when I decided on asking my tia Jia to teach me Korean.”

“Why didn’t your mom want you home?” he asked, not bothering to think if it was appropriate to ask or not.

“So my mom and dad could continue their fights in peace,” she muttered.

Namjoon’s heart sank at hearing this. The hints had been there about Maya’s parents being abusive. But she was now verbally confirming the suspicions. A part of him didn’t want to know the question that came out of him next, but a more significant part of him needed to know. “How bad were the arguments?”

She tugged at her sleeves again, pulling them down past her fingers now. Namjoon now believed she did this to self-soothe. She was feeling vulnerable. “Someone called the cops once. I think it must have been Seb.” She stopped speaking and quickly looked away.

But Namjoon had noticed. Tears.

He didn’t want to press it, not wanting to push her too much. Instead, he went to her and sat close, rubbing her shoulder in a comforting way.

She didn’t turn back to him, but he heard the sniffles. After a long while, she took a deep breath. “Thank you, Namjoonie. Goes to show how compassionate you are. Not the same can be said about everyone.”

Namjoon frowned at this. “Who else did you tell?”

“My exes. One tried to normalize my childhood and another ex thought my crying was funny.” She finally turned to Namjoon, a sad smile on her face. “I always picked the best guys.”

Namjoon didn’t know what to say. He didn’t get it. How could a great and beautiful person like Maya ever date such scum? He witnessed how protective Maya was towards her loved ones and how she did not hesitate to defend a complete stranger. How did she not do that for herself with all her shitty exes? She deserved a great guy. Someone who would protect her as much as she protected others. Jerry had seemed to be a good guy—why hadn’t it worked with him?

And why in the fuck were her parents so crappy? He didn’t like passing judgment on complete strangers, especially those who were older than him. He couldn’t help himself, though. They had treated Maya so poorly when she had just been a kid.

Namjoon wanted to tell Maya this. Tell her she—like every person in the world—deserved to have good parents. But he held back, feeling it wasn’t his place. He didn’t want to openly criticize her parents. He didn’t know their background. He really shouldn’t judge.

Instead, he pulled her into a hug, allowing her to cry into his chest for as long as she wanted.

Thinking about this story made his brain work. Suddenly, everything about last night and the last month started to make sense.

Maya had mentioned how shitty her exes were. She wasn’t one to easily open up, so the story she had shared during Seollal had been a big deal. That had been the night she had opened up the most about her past to him. Probably the night that she started to consider him a best friend.

Maya had opened up to Namjoon before because they were friends. But Namjoon was no longer a “friend” in Maya’s eyes. He was now put into the “boyfriend” category.

Her past relationships had all been toxic—except the one with Jerry.

She might be fighting her and Namjoon’s progress due to a subconscious instinct. Maybe she thought if she were to open up to him, he would treat her the same as her past boyfriends.

Namjoon then remembered Maya’s story about what led to her and Jerry’s breakup.

They were in the backhouse in the Soop. Days before their relationship evolved.

Maya explained how Jerry proposed. “We got back to the hotel that night and he proposed. Big, diamond ring and everything.”

“You hate diamonds,” Namjoon had said quickly, confused.

Maya nodded slowly, a sad smile on her face—the same one she had had when she told Namjoon about her exes. “I think he forgot.”

Jerry had become another boyfriend who had dismissed her emotions. Another boyfriend who didn’t know her. Another boyfriend who had failed.

Things started to make sense to Namjoon. Her lies made sense—she was protecting herself.

And then, panic took over.

What the fuck had he done?

Everything about last night replayed in his head but he was viewing it in Maya’s perspective.

As he replayed last night, his eyes scanned the room. Something caught his attention. Her bra, panties, and shoes were on the floor. The sudden image of Maya walking down the hotel hall in nothing but a tank top, short skirt, and barefoot came into his head. The staff would have seen. Her smeared makeup. Her unruly hair.

Namjoon could practically feel her embarrassment. Her hurt. That he had caused.

Acting on impulse, he went to his phone, opening Kakao app. He wanted to call her, badly. But his brain told him she wouldn’t pick up anyway. It would be best to send her a voice memo.

He recorded himself, hoping she would hear it soon and answer back. It had been hours since she left, but maybe she would listen to it later today and get back to him.

“Hey, b—” he suppressed his automatic want and need to call her ‘babe’. This wasn’t the time for pet names. He didn’t want her to think he was sweet-talking her, playing her. “I’m sorry for how things went last night. I…can you call me as soon as you can? I’m flying out soon, but I really don’t want to leave things like this. Please. I didn’t handle it well.”

He wanted to tell her more. Tell her he didn’t want to break up. Tell her he regretted the words he used. Regretted letting her leave. Felt like shit for walking out on her. Fuck! He had left her! Walked out on her—how many times must she have experienced that in her past?! Her parents hadn’t been there for her. And now he hadn’t been. SHIT! He had majorly fucked up.

He needed to talk to her—hear her voice. “Call me. Please,” he pleaded and hit ‘send’.

At that moment, a staff knocked at his door, announcing his transportation was ready.

Namjoon gave instructions to his staff on what to take. Then quickly headed over to see Yoongi. He was the only other member left in the hotel. He was planning on staying at Maya’s.

Yoongi looked dead tired when he swung open his door.

“What happened?” Yoongi’s tired look suddenly vanished as he observed Namjoon’s face.

“When are you going over Maya’s?” Namjoon asked, not answering Yoongi’s question.

“Tomorrow around noon—after checkout. Why?”

“After you talk to her, call me as soon as possible. I want to make sure she’s alright.”

“Namjoon, what happened?” Yoongi’s face was stern now.

Namjoon shook his head, unable to answer. He felt tears come down as his throat tightened.

“Shit,” Yoongi let out. “Did you guys break up?”

Namjoon could only nod.

Yoongi shook his head in disappointment. “What happened?”

From the corner of his eye, Namjoon noticed the staff waiting for him. One of them was checking their watches, clearly noticing how late they were running.

“I’ll call you after I land. Just, please, hyung. Call me right after?” he sounded so desperate.

Yoongi gave a small nod. “Ok.”

“Look after her?” Namjoon pleaded.

“Of course.”

He left, praying to whatever fake elemental god or fairy or angel would listen to him.

*******

Weeks later…

He was back in Seoul and under quarantine. Normally, he would have hated the idea of needing to stay indoors for this long, but the trip had exhausted him.

He had enjoyed the experience, and had fun with his friends on the trip. But during the down times when he had nothing to do, nothing to think about, she was constantly on his mind. Every so often, he would look at his phone to look at his notifications. Nothing.

By now, Namjoon had sent her dozens of messages. Countless voice notes. Every morning, every night; he never went more than 12 hours without writing or sending her something. Sometimes they were paragraphs of words. Sometimes it was simple lines. A “good morning”. An “I miss you”.

Unread.

He hid his pain well from his friends throughout the trip. They noticed there was something off but he insisted it was “work stuff” at first. However, right before coming back to Seoul, the ache became too unbearable. He got drunk. Spilled some truths. He had bawled his eyes out.

Hakun and Yongrae were surprised to know he had kept the relationship a secret for so long. They were sympathetic to what was happening and gave words of comfort. Insisted she would call back. She needed time.

His other friend, however, didn’t have the same empathetic response as Hakun and Yongrae.

“There’s something she’s hiding,” his friend, Gaeul, said as Namjoon took another sip of beer. “Might be another guy, man.”

“Maya wouldn’t do that,” Yongrae immediately shot down.

“Well, what else could it be? Why want a secret relationship so badly?” Gaeul asked back.

“Privacy, maybe. She knows how bad a scandal can get if this relationship gets out,” Hakun said. “Maya might be liked by the public, but that can change if they find out she’s dating one of the seven most treasured people of the country.”

Gaeul waved his hand, dismissing this. “Whatever her excuse is, she certainly doesn’t respect him.”

“You can’t say that for a mistake she made,” Hakun said. “She cares about Namjoon.”

“She has a shitty way of showing it,” Gaeul muttered.

“We don’t know her side of the story,” Yongrae said.

“Maybe if she actually responded back to him, he could know. But it’s been weeks and she hasn’t given him at least the decency in responding back with a simple ‘I need time’. She’s just ghosting him at this time. Does a person who cares about someone else act that way?” Gaeul looked more upset than Namjoon did.

Namjoon just sat there and listened. He didn’t agree or disagree with any of his friends, but he certainly soaked in all the words.

Namjoon looked through his phone, checking his notifications.

Nothing.

He tried to distract himself and went onto his socials, wondering what was treading. Several rumors about a possible girlfriend he had. Instinctively, he dug a little deeper into that rumor. Thankfully, it wasn’t. Just some girl craving attention. Nothing to give any energy to.

Not more than five minutes later, a Kakao notification came up.

New Message.

Namjoon didn’t think he had ever opened a message so fast. However, when the feed came up, disappointment flooded through him.

It was Gaeul

 G: Yo, have you seen that girl going all over social media claiming to be your gf? Wtf

Welcoming any distractions, Namjoon responded back.

NJ: Well, she’s technically hinting at being my gf. She’s not explicitly saying it.

G: Everyone knows where she’s getting at, man.

NJ: 🤷🏻

G: Gonna respond back?

NJ: Nah. Not worth the energy. If I were to respond to every claim on social media about a possible romance, I would need to retire from music.

G: Probably best. You seen the paparazzi photos of Maya spreading around. That girl don’t look at all upset. She keeps getting pictured all dolled up.

Namjoon had seen Maya’s paparazzi photos. He hated to admit that he had gone so low as to actually search for them. He hadn’t seen her in weeks, he just wanted a glimpse of her at least.

Of course, she looked goddamn gorgeous in all the photos, but she wasn’t exactly “dolled up” as Gaeul described it. Maya was naturally photogenic. She could put on a garbage bag and still look like a goddamn runway model. Most of the time, he found it hard to believe that someone with her goddess features would find him attractive.

Namjoon was a realist. He knew he attracted plenty of people, but he mostly believed it was due to his fame. He had lived almost two decades of his life constantly being told he didn’t fit the standard of beauty. Maya, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. The media had always been enchanted with her looks. As far as looks went, Namjoon and Maya didn’t make any sense. However, since the first time he had kissed her, Namjoon believed they made sense together in everything else—in everything that mattered.

Namjoon’s phone buzzed again, pulling his thoughts back to the present.

G: Maybe Maya will see the crazy chick’s posts and get all jealous and shit. kkkk

With Gaeul saying it, the thought now crossed Namjoon’s mind. A scene played out in his head with Maya being in her bed and stumbling upon the story of him being with someone else. A twisted sort of satisfaction went through him at visioning her in tears—hurting just as much as he was hurting.

The feeling didn’t last long, though. He suddenly felt sick at allowing his head to get there.

NJ: Gotta go. ttyl

Namjoon put down his phone, promising himself not to touch it for a few hours.

*******

~ YOONGI ~

January; Bangtan Dorms, Seoul

“How is she?”

Yoongi and Namjoon were both finally out of quarantine and able to meet face-to-face. Both had caught the virus and they stayed in longer than planned. They had talked a little on the phone about Maya. Namjoon always asked about her. Yoongi never gave Namjoon too many specifics. During quarantine, Yoongi had the power of just hitting a button to stop Namjoon’s questions. Now that Namjoon was physically next to him, it would be harder to get rid of his tall leader.

Yoongi was quick to notice how strained and tired Namjoon looked. “She’s getting better.”

Yoongi had hinted to Namjoon the breakup had left Maya in a bad state. He didn’t want to give her business to Namjoon, but he also didn’t want Namjoon to think she wasn’t hurting either. Namjoon should know at least that.

“You still talk to her regularly?” he asked, his tone sounding bitter and angry.

The older of the two let out a sigh. He was bracing himself for the ugly side of Namjoon that rarely came out. It had been a while since they last fought, but Yoongi could always tell when one was about to happen. Usually, it was when one of them was under a copious amount of stress. And right now, Namjoon had a lot of shit going on. “Yeah, we talk.”

“Through Kakao?” Namjoon pressed.

Yoongi knew what the leader meant by this. “Another app. Or it’s through an international call.”

“Why?” Namjoon asked, confused.

“I don’t think she’s ready to open up that app,” Yoongi said. It was the truth. He hadn’t asked Maya why she was contacting him through another message app or international call, but he was certain of the answer. If she opened Kakao, she would see all the notifications.

“Why?” Namjoon was starting to sound angrier.

“When you talk to her, you can ask her.” Yoongi wasn’t about to open up that gate because he was certain it would lead to an argument pretty quickly.

“It’s been a month and she hasn’t called. There’s no way for me to reach her. I might as well be a fucking one-night stand to her,” Namjoon snapped.

Yoongi kept his calm. He knew Maya’s issues were the main reason why she and Namjoon had broken up, but it wasn’t the only reason. Namjoon took participation in why the relationship failed. What he had told Maya that night and the way he walked out had done damage. Maya was recoiling this intensely due to Namjoon’s response. And Yoongi wasn’t about to let Namjoon believe he was fully innocent. “Is that why you had to publicly announce you weren’t in a relationship on social media a few days ago? You’re hoping she sees it?”

There had been someone on social media claiming to be Namjoon’s girlfriend. It had been circulating for a while and get to the point where the company had asked Namjoon how he wanted to handle the situation. Yoongi thought Namjoon would have simply ignored it, or at most declared he didn’t know the girl. However, after Namjoon wrote his statement saying he did “not know the person at all”, the company wanted to release its own statement. It was “not true that he [RM] is in a relationship,” were the words used by the company that Namjoon had ok’d. Yoongi was certain Namjoon was being vindictive in ok’ing the last part.

Namjoon’s eyes shot daggers at Yoongi. “Someone was claiming to be in a relationship with me on social media. I wanted to squash those rumors and set the record straight.”

“All you had to do was claim you didn’t know her. The added bit of you not being in a relationship was personal,” Yoongi stated. “You tend to do that when you reach a certain point of anger. You wanted her to see it. You were wanting to hurt her.”

“Did she read it?” Namjoon asked immediately. The look in his eyes contained hope and regret. He was losing it.

“She only uses her phone to communicate with a few people. She’s stayed away from all social media and the news. She hasn’t seen it, sorry to disappoint,” Yoongi said, annoyed.

For a long moment, the pair didn’t speak. Yoongi waited for his younger brother to come down from his anger.

After time had passed for too long, Yoongi sensed a change in the air. He felt Namjoon crying before hearing the sniffles. The hyung’s heart tugged for his younger brother. He reached out and rubbed Namjoon’s shoulder.

He let Namjoon cry, feeling tears sting his own eyes. “You don’t open easily yourself,” Yoongi said. “Took years for your walls to come down. Same with me.”

Namjoon didn’t say anything, just listened.

“She’s like us. She’s cautious on who she lets in. And even after letting people in, she has her moments of hiding. You and I have our reasons why we are detached like this. She has hers.”

“I just…” Namjoon tried to control his sobs to let out what he was feeling. “I’ve let her in. I’ve trusted her. Why can’t she trust me?” He stared at his hyung with eyes full of hurt.

Yoongi tried to keep himself together. “That’s not the way it works. Just because you allow someone in does not mean you are entitled to be let in with her. But I’m positive she wants to let you in. She has her reasons as to why she hasn’t or can’t. And she’ll want to tell you once she’s ready. But know sometimes it takes a good while for people to be ready.”

Namjoon went back to crying, looking more than defeated. “God, I just want to talk to her. I fucking miss her. It’s been a month. I can’t remember the last time I went more than a day without talking to her.”

Another long period went without words being said.

Yoongi finally spoke, saying something he really wanted to let out. “She hasn’t told me anything.” He continued to look forward, not making eye contact.

“Huh?” Namjoon asked, not understanding Yoongi’s words.

“I don’t know what happened with her. The seven of us suspect something happened to her before she came to Seoul—maybe sexually assaulted.” Yoongi’s heart weighted down even more at saying this, but he needed to. “None of us think it was Jerry. We all agree he’s too much of a good guy. But someone did something to her. Jimin shared with us the incident that occurred backstage during the awards show in 2019. Months later, she was helping us with a song and while on video chat with her, we noticed she was quieter and had circles under her eyes. Her leaving America suddenly and not going back was concerning.” It broke Yoongi’s heart to think something so horrible had happened to a dear friend of his.

Namjoon’s hands clenched into fists. Yoongi could only imagine what Namjoon was feeling. Namjoon cared for her more than Yoongi ever could.

Despite being incredibly close to Maya, Yoongi had never been able to break through with Maya but Yoongi suspected Namjoon questioned whether Yoongi was honest. Namjoon would give Yoongi looks whenever the topic came up: did Yoongi know about Maya’s secret? Yoongi’s answer was always ‘no’. Namjoon never looked convinced.

Yoongi had hoped she would have opened up to Namjoon. Sadly, she hadn’t. He needed Namjoon to know that Maya had that wall up for him as well. “It must be bad if she hasn’t told any of us,” Yoongi said out loud.

Longer moments of quiet.

Yoongi thought Namjoon was about to take it upon himself and leave, but there was something that still needed to be said. Another hidden truth that needed to be shed into the light.

“You love her,” Yoongi let into the air.

Namjoon didn’t respond, but there was a slight look of shock on his face.

“You think we don’t notice,” Yoongi said with a laugh. “The way you touch her; how you gravitate towards her whenever she’s in the same room; how your eyes scan to find her. You always manage to get right next to her. Only a few of us have caught it. You’re not much into physical affection, but with her, there’s always a part of you that’s on her. I’ve caught you plenty of times pressing your shoe against hers.”

Namjoon turned away, looking somewhat embarrassed.

“And she loves you.” Another truth.

Namjoon shook his head slightly, seeming bothered.

Yoongi misread him, thinking Namjoon didn’t believe this to be true. “She does,” Yoongi insisted. “You’re witty and funny, but the way she laughs at your jokes, you’d think you were a combination of Einstein and Junha. She never looks more amazed or more entertained than when she’s around you.” He pressed on Namjoon’s arm, making the younger one turn to him. Once their eyes met, Yoongi repeated the words. “She loves you.”

Tears came back. “Being with her makes me happy; makes me feel like I’m not losing my mind. I get so in my head sometimes and I feel she brings me back to the real world. But…not having her—not talking to her—is making me question whether that’s a good thing. I’ve noticed myself go deeper these few weeks and I’m seeing that ugly side of myself again. I was able to have control over him before. Now, it seems as if she’s in control.”

“You’re still the one in control, Namjoonah,” Yoongi encouraged. “It’s just a new phase you’re transitioning into. You’re in a team of two instead of one. It’s learning how to balance it all again. And you’ll get there.”

“That’s only if she’ll have me,” Namjoon said sadly.

Yoongi was about to continue with his pep talk, but his phone buzzed. He looked down, ready to send whoever it was to voicemail. However, once he saw he was, he changed his mind.

It was Jimin. Yoongi picked up and without thinking, put him on speaker. “Yeah?”

“Hyung,” Jimin said on the other end. “Can you do me a favor?”

“What?”

“I’m out of food at my place. Can you get some basic groceries and take them to my house? Everyone at the company is still out on holiday.”

“Why’s it gotta be me? Namjoonie lives in the same complex. Ask him.” Yoongi whined.

“It can’t be Namjoon,” Jimin said, sounding stressed.

Suddenly, things felt awkward. The seven rarely kept secrets from each other, which was why Yoongi immediately answered and put his younger member on speaker without thinking. Anything Jimin would say to him, he was certain Jimin would be fine in Namjoon overhearing. However, it was now apparent that Jimin was wanting to keep this from their leader.

Yoongi was stuck. He didn’t know how to react. He couldn’t hang up, Namjoon would be hurt in knowing the two were keeping something from him. But he couldn’t announce to Jimin that Namjoon was present either and overhearing everything.

Namjoon frowned a bit and waited for Yoongi’s decision, not knowing what to do either.

But it was too late for Yoongi to react. Jimin kept talking. “Don’t tell Namjoon—I already told Maya I would keep it between me and her.”

Yeah, there was no way Yoongi would be able to keep Jimin from talking if Maya was involved.

Namjoon took the phone from Yoongi and hit the mute button, ensuring Yoongi didn’t disrupt Jimin from talking.

Yoongi stayed frozen, though.

Jimin sounded a bit stressed and began to ramble and talk fast. “Maya decided to come back to Seoul earlier than planned. Her place isn’t ready obviously, so she asked if she could stay at my place, knowing my house is empty since I’m in Busan with my family. I don’t have much food at home and she’s been having issues with her accounts. I told her I would get it for her, but I forgot I had a few drinks last night, and…well, I lost my wallet—I had to freeze my accounts to be on the safe side. I’ve been trying to get ahold of her for a few hours and she’s not responding and everyone at the company isn’t answering either. Can you get the stuff that she’ll need and maybe check on her? She has a few days left of her quarantine.”

Yoongi was surprised by the last bit of information. How long had Maya been back?

Namjoon looked just as shocked, taking the phone off mute. “Maya’s been here for days?”

Jimin went silent for a moment. “Ssibal. Hyung, why didn’t you say he was there?!”

******

~NAMJOON~

There was zero hesitation. He reacted. He got his keys, called a car, and exited the dorms.

Because he often visited Jimin, he knew Jimin’s passcode to his home. He put in the code without a second guess, not bothering to knock. He didn’t want to give her the choice. She had had a choice for over a month and she had chosen to avoid him. The ball was in his court now. Plus, he was positive Jimin had called her to give her a heads-up.

As he made his way through the entrance hall, he heard the chimes announcing his arrival.

He walked into the living room, looking towards the bedrooms, and wondered what bedroom she was in. However, he spotted something on the couch. He made his way over and saw the blankets folded neatly, along with a pillow. He’d crashed on Jimin’s couch enough to recognize she was making camp there.

He looked around the living room and noticed a few knickknacks that were definitely hers. A bottle of melatonin on the table. Her favorite lotion. Hair ties. Her phone. With the slightest movement, her phone turned on. Missed calls. The phone didn’t recognize his face and it was set to private, so he couldn’t see whose calls were missed. However, he could make a guess.

His eyes continued to skim the room. He saw it. On top of the armchair. A sweater of his.

His eyes stayed on that sweater, remembering the last time he had worn it. Two nights before they broke up. He had forgotten it at her house.

The sound of a door opening pulled his attention away. He turned right on time.

She walked out of the bedroom, a stunned look on her face at seeing him there. She wore baggy pants that hung loosely on her hips, had an old shirt he knew to be a favorite of hers despite its multiple holes, fuzzy socks on her feet because he was sure she was freezing, her hair soaking wet, and her face was a bit puffy from having clearly taken a hot bath. God, he had forgotten how incredibly beautiful she was.

Like some stunning, majestic goddess who was blessing him with her presence.

He forced himself not to be caught in her mist. He was supposed to be angry at her, dammit. “What are you doing here?” Namjoon demanded.

-----------------------------------------

NOTE: I hope the last chapter is up next week, but there might be a 2-week wait.

I'm really excited to give this story's last chapter next week.

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

I had been in LA for over a week and I still hadn’t seen my parents. I had made every excuse in the book not to visit, but finally, I ran out of shit excuses to avoid them. Thankfully, I was planning on staying for only a couple of hours. I had already made Ky promise to call me to give me an excuse to leave. Plus, there was my Tia Jia who had agreed to come over as well, so that would help.

Taking a breath, I settled myself and knocked on the door.

A brunette, petite woman who looked like a retired model answered. Her hair and makeup were perfectly applied; the clothes on her making her glow like a goddess. My mother really was a beauty….

Her brown eyes did a once-over on me. “You haven’t been exercising while you’ve been gone? Mayahuel, you know noodles always make your face plump.”

…too bad her soul was rotten. “Hello to you too, Madre.”

She dismissed me and barely grazed my body with her arms—her version of a hug. More criticism came out of her mouth as she led the way into the house.

I noticed my father—tall, dark, and with the world’s thickest mustache—sitting on his normal chair in the corner of the living room. He was reading one of his many magazines. He barely looked up at seeing me and sent me a nod. Nice to see you too, Dad, I said silently to myself.

When we got to the kitchen, she went directly to the coffee. It was one of the few things I agreed wholeheartedly with my mother: coffee was good at any time of the day. She took out two cups and poured them to the rim. She put creamer in one and was about to put some in the other one when I stopped her, reminding her that I took mine with sugar only.

My mother gave a dismissive wave. “I always confuse you with your brothers.”

I really wanted to respond with the fact that one of my brothers didn’t like coffee and the other drank it straight black—no creamer or sugar. I was only going to be here for a couple of hours, though. I really didn’t want to spend it picking fights.

“So, I hear that you’ve been meeting up with some labels during your stay here,” my mother said bluntly.

I just about spat out my coffee. “Who told you?”

My mother looked unimpressed, almost offended. “You do realize that I’ve been in this industry for decades before you. I may no longer be a recording artist, but I am a songwriter and producer—I have ears almost everywhere.”

Of course I knew, but I didn’t think that word would get to her so quickly. I took another sip of coffee, wishing there was some kalua in it. “I’ve met with a couple already.”

“How have they gone?”

Horribly, I want to say, but I won’t. It’s my pride. I don’t want to admit that I—a platinum-selling, record-breaking, multi-winning recording artist—had just been offered two very shit deals. Honestly, I didn’t even want to think about their offers; it felt like a slap in the face.

Kyung had laughed in their faces, believing at first it was a joke, but when he saw they were serious, he hadn’t been interested in continuing the meetings—both times. We were in and out of that building in less than twenty minutes. The first time had felt bizarre, but this second one we had the other day went similarly and gave me self-doubt. Had I put too much value on myself?

Before I had a chance to answer my mother, we heard a voice coming from the front door.

As we turned towards the hall entrance, I was welcomed by a Korean woman making her way toward us. She was of medium height, slightly heavy, and had the warmest smile. Every time I saw it, I felt an ease run through me.

Tia Jia immediately hugged and kissed me. This was the ninth time we had seen each other since I had arrived, but I wasn’t about to tell my mother that.

“You come in right on time,” my mother said, grabbing another mug. “Mayahuel was about to tell us how these meetings have gone with some labels.”

Tia Jia gave a blank smile. I fought back a laugh. Truth was, my Tia Jia already knew everything. I had called her no more than ten minutes after walking out of each meeting. But, again, I wasn’t about to tell my mother that.

My mother continued to talk. “If they aren’t able to meet your list of demands, just know your old label would meet every one of them. I talked to Chad not so long ago and he said—”

“You what?” I asked. Hearing the name made my stomach drop.

“I talked to Chad—” My mother continued.

“Why?” Anger began to rumble. I had told my mother long ago that I had gotten into an argument with one of the heads, which was the reason why I had left. She had been badgering me so much about why I had decided not to resign from my contract, that I felt pressured to tell her something. Mostly, because I believed she would have started snooping around if I didn’t give her something.

“Oh, it’s not that big of a deal, Mayahuel. Let bygones be bygones,” she said dismissively. “You never were one to have the patience for a few disagreements.”

No, I just wasn’t one who had the patience for the screaming, yelling, name-calling, and throwing objects, I wanted to say to her. But I kept on topic. “Madre, I told you that this wasn’t some small argument. This was serious. I was disrespected and there is no way in hell that I’m going to ever work with them again.”

Before my mother could let out another word, my tia Jia interceded. She settled my mother down. She had dealt with the woman for almost all her life—they had been best friends since they were teenage girls. No one seemed to settle my mother better than my tia Jia.

Thankfully, my mother agreed to change the topic.

I gave my tia a look of complete gratefulness.

“Have you told your mother about Thanksgiving?” Tia Jia asked.

My mother’s face did not look pleased. “What about it?”

I decided to just rip the Band-Aid. “Well, I wanted to have it over my place. My friends from Korea are going to be here for their concert and I wanted to invite them. They’ve been great with me while I’ve been living there—especially Namjoon. He always had me over during a holiday. His entire family was always welcoming.”

“Namjoon is a good man,” Tia Jia said warmly. “You’ve met him before, Tlali. He’s the tall one. Incredibly smart—very handsome.”

“Who?” my mother looked utterly lost.

“From the group of friends Mayita has. The Korean group.”

It took a while for my mother to figure it out. “Oh. They’re all tall.”

“Well, he’s the tallest,” I said. “And I’m going to invite them for Thanksgiving. I figured it would be nice to do something for them. I would like all my loved ones in one room.”

My mother didn’t say anything, just wore a slight frown and looked out into the distance. It was the look I knew all too well: she was trying to be polite and not say anything rude.

The unsettling feeling in my stomach I usually felt when I knew my mother was judging me immediately took over. Honestly, sometimes I preferred hearing her be rude than imagining what she might be thinking.

“It’s going to be fun,” Tia Jia insisted, her voice upbeat and light. “Do you want to make the menu right now? We have time.”

Tia Jia’s excitement rubbed off. I took out my phone and the pair of us began to look up dishes.

“Want some more, honey?” my tia Jia asked, motioning to my empty mug.

I nodded.

She took it and poured some coffee, adding two tablespoons of sugar and handing it to me.

As I took a sip of the coffee, I noticed my mother's demeanor change. I know she had noticed it. Tia Jia knew my preference for coffee. A small part of me felt bad….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later, I walked out of my third meeting with label. And for the third time, I was walking away feeling completely off. Enough so that I knew it wasn’t something I could ignore anymore. My intuition was screaming at me that something was going on.

Kyung was walking with me, getting into the driver’s side as I got into the passenger’s side. Once both inside, I let it out. “What the fuck is going on?”

Kyung drove out of the parking spot. He was silent until we were out of the lot. “I was really hoping it was just me or that the other two labels were just being dickheads for other reasons. But now….” He shook his head in disgust.

I finished his thinking. “It’s like they’re offering me a shitty contract on purpose so I won’t sign with them. That deal is something you offer a rookie who doesn’t know the first thing about the industry. They might as well spit at me.” Anger was starting to boil inside me.

Kyong began to speak again, “I wasn’t lying to you when I said they were the ones who wanted you more than the other labels. I scheduled to meet them third on purpose. I wanted to see what the other two companies were offering so we could work that to our advantage. But it seems as if the offers are getting worse.” He looked more pissed than how he sounded.

I had known Kyung all my life. Before he was my manager and business partner, he had been an important figure growing up. As much as Tia Jia was like a mother to me, Kyung was like a brother. From his facial expressions, I knew when he was controlling his anger. “What’s up?”

It took a moment. He was trying to gather his thoughts and emotions before speaking up. “A buddy of mine who still works at the old label tipped me off the other day. Some rumor he had heard from top executives. Apparently, some didn’t take well with you rejecting to meet with them. We shouldn’t be surprised that they heard of us meeting with other companies for possible contracts—it’s hard to keep a secret in this industry. According to my buddy, the execs in the old label are trying to block you from signing.”

Suddenly, I remembered my mother’s words about talking to Chad. Had she known about my meetings with other labels before talking to Chad? Had she told Chad? Had Chad tried using my mother to get to me—to get me to come crawling to them? Fuck, he probably did.

Kyung’s eyes were on the road; he couldn’t see how upset I was. “I knew they weren’t going to be happy about us rejecting their meeting, but to go this far? Maybe I should give them a call and try to settle things with them.”

“No,” I said as I turned away so he wouldn’t see how pissed I was at this suggestion.

I knew he was looking at me. “Why?”

“I don’t want anything to do with them, Kyung. I’ve said this too many times.” I was getting snappy and I didn’t want to.

Kyung wasn’t one to easily let things go, though. “Maya, I really don’t know why you can’t give me an answer. What happened? I know something did—I thought maybe it was with one individual in the company you had an issue with, but now it seems as if it’s the entire company that fucked you over.”

I refused to tell him. For too many reasons, he couldn’t know. I had told two people about the incident—my tia Jia and Dr. Rob. I don’t think I could ever tell another soul.

Kyung let out a heavy sigh. “It must be bad if you can’t even tell me. It only makes me think the worse, you know? You tell me almost everything. How bad is it that you can’t tell me?”

I stayed silent.

Then, I noticed us pulling into a parking lot. It was mostly empty. I turned to Kyung, confused about why we were here.

He parked the car, unbuckled himself, and fully turned to me. His face was a pale white, his hands and lips were shaking slightly. I had never seen him look like this. “It’s scaring me, Maya. I’m thinking the unimaginable here.” His eyes were watery and desperate. “Please don’t tell me it’s what I think it is.”

My own eyes were starting to form tears of their own. Horrible images creeping their way up. I fought to keep control.

“Did someone…do something to you?” he was struggling getting the words out. The tears were coming down.

I couldn’t hold it together anymore. Seeing him come apart sent me downward. I felt myself shaking, feeling the anger, the disgust, the hurt, and the embarrassment all at once.

His arms were around me, pulling me into a warm embrace. I clutched to him, letting myself feel it all as those goddamn images came flooding back to the surface.

**He squeezed. As if he had done it before. As if it belonged to him.

There was an eerie glint in his eyes. The clear-blue eyes that I once thought to be full of kindness were now baring down at me in a vile way.

My skin crawled and I wanted nothing more than to push him off and run out of there. But for the first time in my life, I had no control of my body. With a simple claw on my body, this piece of shit had overpowered me.

Hot breath was on me and I wanted to be stabbed, just so I could feel something else.** 

“You don’t have to talk about it.” Kyung’s voice pulled me out of my horrific past. “We won’t ever deal with them, I promise. But know I’m here for whenever you want to talk, ok?”

I only nodded, not trusting my voice.

He kissed the top of my head. “If you’re scared of how I’ll react, I swear on Yori and my kids I won’t say a thing to the guys. I promise.”

It was one of the reasons I didn’t want him to know the truth. Kyung was close with my brothers and guy cousins. We had all grown up together and the guys had an old school mentality when it came to handling certain things. I still remember the hell they gave my first ex who treated me like shit. The piece of shit who assaulted me had done worse. I had enough reason to suspect that this could lead to legal trouble for the guys if they found out.

Then, there was the added layer of them be disappointed in me. Growing up, they had taught me how to defend myself. Taught me what to do if anyone dared put his hands on me. I knew how to box, for crying out loud. How had I just let it happen? Their disappointment in me would only deepen the disappointment I had on myself.

Dr. Rob had emphasized time and time again that it wasn’t my fault. Shock was common in assault victims. However, I had never accepted that in myself.

Once out of his embrace, he smiled sweetly. “Eomma knows?”

I nodded.

“Good. As long as she knows, it’s all that matters,” he said with complete sincerity. He continued to soothe me until I was calm and no more tears were coming down. “You good?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Thank you.”

He held my eyes as he spoke, “You call the shots, Maya. You always have. I’ll find you the perfect home, I promise. And then you’re gonna kick ass, record the most amazing album, win a shit ton of awards, and break multiple records. Those sons of bitches are going to regret it.”

The fire in his eyes and voice gave me some power.

“Hell, even if we can’t find the perfect home, you can still record and release this album without backup. And I’ll be sure to spread the word that you released it on your own because no label took you seriously. They’ll be walking with their tail between their legs from the embarrassment.”

I felt a boost of confidence, Kyung’s words affecting me in a positive way.

He was right, we were going to use this as fuel. We’d make them all regret it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day, things began to look up. Bangtan had landed in LA. Because I had a close relationship with the coordinator of the trip, I managed to sneak my way into the vehicle Namjoon was going to be riding in. I had made it seem as if I was doing a prank on him that the rest of the guys were in on.

It worked and I was currently in the back seat of the black van. The van was parked in a section inside LAX that had a private exit. I had told the coordinator and guys about the exit.

The partition on the vehicle was up, so we would have privacy.

Namjoon was the first to enter the vehicle. Those dark brown, dragon eyes were the first thing I saw. He had his mask on, so I couldn’t see his deep dimples. I felt like I was six years old seeing Disneyworld for the first time.

He made his way to the back of the van, pulled down his mask, and leaned his entire body into me. His lips immediately sought my own. His baseball cap bumped into me, so I took it off.

I enthusiastically welcomed him, throwing the cap to the side, and wrapping my arms around his wide back. “Hi,” I mumbled in between kisses. “How was the flight?”

“Long,” he mumbled back, his lips not wanting to leave mine as well.

“Get a room!” came Jimin’s voice.

Namjoon pulled away at the reminder we weren’t alone. He let out an irritated sigh and sat down properly. His arm came around the back of my seat.

I took his seatbelt and buckled him in, noticing he had forgotten to do so. “It’s a good thing you guys were able to use this terminal.” I reached over to Jimin and pinched his cheeks in a greeting fashion. He gave me one of his eye smiles.

“It’s a good thing you told the team about it,” J-Hope said as he buckled himself into his seat. “If you hadn’t mentioned it, we would have gone through the main terminal.” He reached over and gave me a high five.

“I thought I had told you guys about it before. It’s a major benefit after flying private all my life, I got to learn all the hacks of LAX,” I said as the door closed.

I turned back to Namjoon who was looking fondly at me. My cheeks were starting to hurt from all the smiling. I fell into my seat, his arm circling my shoulders. “I missed you,” I whispered to him, letting out what I had been feeling since leaving his apartment in Seoul.

His face inched closer to mine, his hand caressing my neck and pulling my face to his. “I missed you, too.” With his forehead against mine, he closed his eyes and breathed in. He looked calm, at ease.

I reached up to touch his face and noticed a change. His strips were gone. He had gotten a new cut and the strips had faded. While I had enjoyed the strips along his hair, he hadn’t been a fan of them. He tended to prefer a mullet style—which, personally, was my least favorite on him. But it was his hair, and I really didn’t care too much how he styled or cut it. As long as I had hair to pull and hold on to…..

The sudden image of his mouth wrapped around my pussy and his tongue inside me came to mind. I tried to shake it off. It hadn’t been two weeks since the last time we slept together and already I was horny. I blamed him. If he wasn’t so great, I wouldn’t crave him so much.

“I wouldn’t get too attached to it,” he warned as I stroked his hair.

Instantly, I hoped he didn’t mean he was going to dye it again. It really was the only thing that slightly bothered me. The constant dyeing and bleaching worried me. “Are you getting another haircut?” I asked, hopeful.

“No, I’m bleaching it again,” he said cautiously.

I must have made a face.

“You say I look good blond,” he said immediately as if he was trying to ease my worry.

He really did good as a blond, but I doubted his scalp felt it was worth it.

“I promise to keep away from the mullet,” he offered like a negotiation—like I wouldn’t let him. “And it won’t be toobleached.”

I really didn’t want to make this a big deal. It was his goddamn hair. And he was a grown adult. No one in the company bullied him into doing anything he really didn’t want to do. That was years in the past. I really shouldn’t be a Debbie Downer about this.

I shook my head at myself. “Namjoon, I’m not your mother. It’s your hair. It’s up to you what you want to do with it.”

“Yeah, but you’re my girl. You’re gonna be the one mostly looking at it.”

I smiled at his title for me. I had missed it. And, honestly, it’s all I needed to make me stop worrying about his hair. I took ahold of his shirt and tugged at it, pulling his beauty closer. “Handsome, I mostly look at your gorgeous face. The hair is just there for me to pull at.”

He let out a low moan and filled the gap between us, kissing me open-mouthed.

Nothing but fake gags could be heard in the vehicle.

I pulled away from Namjoon, settling in my seat. “Anything I missed since I last saw you?”

“Just a bit of a mess with Jungkook and Yuna,” Jimin said, a mischievous look on his face.

“What happened?” I asked, fully absorbed in the gossip.

Hoseok went on to explain the mess the youngest member had recently gotten into that involved his girlfriend. It hadn’t been pleasant but thankfully had been cleaned up. The news outlets didn’t get wind of it, thankfully.

By the sounds of it, it seemed as if there was trouble in paradise with the young couple.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a nice visit to LACMA, Namjoon and I arrived at my house with Kogi. We had eaten some of the tacos on the drive with Namjoon feeding me. The original idea had been to eat once getting to my house, but the smell had been too intoxicating. It was one of my favorite places to eat in LA and hadn’t had it in years. Initially, Namjoon didn’t deem it safe enough for me to eat while driving. I tried using logic, reminding him how good of a driver I was—I had been taught how to drive by my brother and cousins who were drag racers. When that didn’t work, I pouted. And finally, I got my first bite. At seeing my happy wiggle, he kept feeding me. I made a mental note about this—now I knew what would work later for my benefit.

We spoke a little about the crappy offers by the labels, Namjoon also believed there was something fishy going on.

"Haven't you mentioned before that your mother knows a lot of people?" he asked. "Why not see if she can snoop around to see what she can find?"

My stomach churned at the thought.

I didn't have to say anything for Namjoon to understand my physical response. I think he could even hear how upset my stomach was. "Is it really that difficult asking her for a favor? She's your mother, Maya."

Namjoon always wanted to see the best in people, but he had been blessed with amazing parents. He had never known what it felt like to be neglected—and I was grateful for that ignorance. "I trusted my mother a long time ago. More times than I can count. And she always manages to let me down. Do you know what that feels like? At age 2, 8, 14, 23 to trust another person enough with your emotions only for them to spit at them? I tell my mother I have a feeling that someone at my own old company is trying to sabotage me and she'll openly laugh at me—she's done it before on multiple occasions. I lost count of the number of times when she has said, word for word, 'no one cares about your feelings.'"

When I first started therapy, it had been difficult to admit these feelings I had about my mother—I could never get through it without crying. Now, it was easier. But it still cut deep.

"I'm sorry," Namjoon said gently, his hand soothing me.

I took a breath. "It's easy to let people in. But thanks to my parents' shitty job, it's hard to let someone back in. And I hit my limit with my parents. I can't anymore with them."

We finally arrived at my home. In silence, we got out of the vehicle once we were parked in the garage.

Namjoon grabbed his overnight bag and the bags of take-out and followed me into the home.

As I led us through the hall, I thought of the other guys. Namjoon and I decided to spend the day together visiting different spots in the LA area, the other guys were off doing their own thing, but I didn’t know what. As soon as I picked up Namjoon, I had forgotten to ask about the guys.

“What are the rest of the others doing today?” I asked, setting down the bag of leftovers on the kitchen island. I had eaten three tacos on the drive here, but I was still craving more.

Namjoon opened the containers; he was always down for eating. “Jin and Yoongi stayed at the hotel. The rest went to the Harry Styles concert. Tae’s the most excited. He’s been wanting to see him for a while.”

“That’s tonight?” I asked. The days sure were passing fast.

“Yeah. They might already be there.”

“That’s gonna be fun for them. Two years of being so cooped up, they deserve to have fun.”

Namjoon and I picked up the rest of the dishes we had bought. We had bought almost every item on the menu due to our indecisive.

As we ate, Namjoon went over one of the artists we had observed today at LACMA. I sat back, enjoying hearing him talk. He leaned over to my dish, which was across the table, and took a fork full of food. As he reached, his glasses slid down his nose a little. He pushed them back up. He in glasses was definitely one of my favorite looks on him.

He looked up at me, catching me. “What?”

I simply smiled and leaned into him. “Have I told you today that you’re pretty hot?”

“That’s out of nowhere.” He gave a shy smile but still filled the gap to capture my lips.

“I’m finding your bookworm look pretty damn sexy. You sit there with your hoodie, Timberlands, baseball cap, prescribed glasses, and talk about books and art—it’s a total turn-on.” My upper body was now fully on the counter, being pulled to his gravity.

There was a glint in his eye that looked a little mischievous. “Is it a fantasy of yours—doing it with a bookworm?”

The image made my pussy drip. “I can totally picture riding your face with those glasses on. They’ll be fogged and juiced up by the end of the night.”

Those dragon eyes came swam to the surface, making my skin burn. “You think it’s going to take me all night to get them foggy and juicy? Baby, I’ll have you cuming in less than 10 minutes.”

My cunt squeezed at the promise. It’d been two weeks since the last time we had had sex. But it honestly felt like two years.

Without another word, he walked around the counter, took my hand, and led me into the hall. “Where’s the master bedroom?” he asked, his voice tight and controlled.

“Double doors at the end of the hall,” I answered excitedly.

The moment we entered our destination, his lips were on mine, his tongue slipping in.

He was true to his word; no more than seven minutes later, I fell apart. My knees clenched around Namjoon’s head, my thighs holding his face captive around my center. His glasses were wrecked and soaking wet. His face was flushed and glistering with my juices. A laugh escaped me at the sight of him.

“I told you I was going to break them,” I let out as I pulled off his cracked specs and put them on the nightstand before his eyes could get damaged.

“And I told you it wouldn’t take me all night,” he countered. He leaned in and kissed my inner thigh.

I let out a giggle, pulling myself off him.

He rolled to his side and took me in his arms, his lips searching mine.

We stayed like that for a moment, with simple touches, and kisses until I regained my strength.

And then my hunger for him began to surface. I needed more. I needed him.

I found myself pushing him onto his back while I made my way down his massive physique. My hands tugged at his clothing while I gave attention to every piece of skin I could reach. I don’t think I had ever been so obsessed over a man’s body as I was with this divine creature before me. There wasn’t an inch of him that wasn’t glorious.

My mouth salivated at the sight of his cock waving in the air, dying for attention.

My hands and mouth wasted no time. My lips kissed the long vein on the underside of his shaft, holding eye contact with him the entire time. Once at the head, I wrapped both lips around it and sucked a little. My hand went up and down his thick girth. I let spit fall down his cock, which allowed my hand to work him with a better grip.

“Fuuuuuuuck, baby.” His hand twitched towards me, making a gesture towards my head, but held my cheek instead.

I pulled off his dick with a nice popping sound, liquid coming down the corners of my mouth. I stroked him as I asked him something I had been wanting to know since the first time I gave him head. “Do you want to fuck my mouth?”

His brown eyes went wide and his hand froze on my cheek.

I laughed darkly and I sank my head back down, not stopping until the head hit the back of my throat. I then quickly came back up and stroked him at a higher speed. “We have a safe signal. If it gets to be too much, I’ll let you know.”

He finally spoke up. “Are you sure?” he asked in the middle of a moan.

I nodded eagerly. “I really want to.” I twisted my wrist.

He let out a groan. “I want you to be sure,” he said gruffly.

“I trust you,” I said as my eyes looked directly at him.

His eyes turned soft for a moment and then the dragon eyes took over.

I maneuvered my way to the side of the bed and climbed off. I took Namjoon’s hand and tugged at it, signaling him to move towards me. He did, finding a seat on the side of the bed as I came to the ground, kneeling before him. There was a fire radiating off of his eyes. He had yet to blink, it seemed.

Taking his cock member in my mouth, I worked a good rhythm. When he still hadn’t moved, I placed my hands on his thick hips and went further down, sending his dick deep into my throat.

He let out a groan and began to move his hips on his own.

It didn’t take long for the feeling of his head hit the back of my throat. My jaw opened wider and I moved a different angle, allowing more of him inside me. My throat muscles clenched around his girth, a gag naturally coming out.

“Shit,” he let out, his hands holding onto my head.

I moved my body so it could allow my throat more room. I took more of him down my throat. His length pushed through my pharynx.

“Oh shit,” he let out, his hips acting on their own accord and pressing further in me.

It was too much, so my throat tightened hard against him. I took a deep breath from my nose, trying to ensure I got enough oxygen. I wanted to come up for full air, but the desire to live out the fantasy of Namjoon face fucking me was too great.

I pulled out a little and went back in, letting him know what pace I was good with.

He took the hint and began to rock and hips in the same rhythm. With every thrust, he goes a little further in me.

Because of his long length, it took a while before his full cock engulfed my throat. His face appeared to be full of ecstasy. His body was sweating bullets.

I wanted to keep the rhythm going but noticed the vein in his throat. He was trying to control his orgasm.

After taking a few breaths, he started to rock himself again. He fully pulled out of me, allowing me to take a full breath of fresh air before he went back in. Keeping eye contact with me, he pushed back into my mouth.

He bottomed out a lot easier and quicker this time. His eyes never left my face, ensuring I was ok with this. Once he was satisfied and confident that I was comfortable, he allowed himself to be in the moment.

As he worked himself in my throat, my pussy craved attention. I brought my fingers to my core, giving myself pleasure.

Namjoon’s hips crashed a little harder against me, his fingers dug into my hair with a little more force. I let out a hum as he impaled me, wanting to heighten his pleasure.

He cursed again. His member almost fully exited my throat but plunged back into me with plenty of vigor. There was a pause, looking for my reaction before he reenacted the same move.

My gagging was getting louder, the saliva coming down my throat in buckets, and my pussy was creating a pool at my feet.

“You look so fucking hot right now,” he lets out, almost breathless. His eyes fall to my legs. “Speed up those fingers, baby. Don’t cum yet.”

I let out a mewl, as I usually do when I hear that commanding tone of his.

“Almost,” he lets out, his powerful thighs hitting my face. I didn’t care, though. The look on his face was well worth it. “I’m cuming,” he warned.

While he thrust a few more times, I pushed the tip of my tongue along the bottom of his length. With one more push, my nose was pressed against his stomach as his warm seed went down my throat.

There was so much coming out of him; more than any of our other times together. I swallowed as much as I could, but plenty managed to spill out. Slowly, I pulled out of him, making sure to give the tip of him one final peck.

He was sweating bullets and he took in deep breaths. He looked as if he had just come out of the gym.

I reached over to the side of the bed where I had a box of tissues. I cleaned the both of us up. Usually, it was Namjoon that took care of us, but he was still trying to catch his breath. Once we were cleaned, we made our way to the center of the bed, cuddling.

Normally, oral sex tended to be foreplay for us. But we were both exhausted. It had been a long day of physical activity—inside and outside of the bedroom

With his arm around me, I found myself falling into a sweet sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Apparently, we had been more exhausted than we realized. It was close to sundown when we realized how long we had slept. Knowing we would just continue to sleep if we stayed in bed, we forced ourselves out and decided to take a stroll along the beach. We needed physical activity to wake us up. Plus, the sunset setting would be a nice view for a picture I could take of Namjoon. My property was incredibly close to the beach and had a private entrance that no many used.

As we made our way down the path that led to the water, I kept an eye out for people, making sure we were alone before reaching out to take his hand in mine.

The move made him smile. “Have you talked to your parents?” he asked.

I imagine he was referring to Thanksgiving dinner. I knew he was excited to meet my family. “A little. I haven’t talked to my mother much—except for the other day that I met with her. I told her that I wanted to have Thanksgiving at my place.”

“What did she say?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Nothing, really. I’m not too sure she was happy at the idea of it being at my place. She likes to host. But Seb and Victor already agreed with my place. She also didn’t say anything about that. So, I’m taking silence as compliance. She was pretty non-verbal after that.”

Remembering the conversation just brought irritation. Why my mother could never act like an adult was beyond me. She dodged talking about issues and would later be passive-aggressive. I had been here for only a few weeks, but I already wanted to leave again.

Namjoon reached over to me and gave me a side hug, trying to soothe me.

I leaned into his embrace, allowing myself to relax at his touch. I had already vented to him about the meetings I had with the labels during our car ride. It really had been a long day.

We continued to walk down the path, hearing the ocean waves. We came apart once we were down in the sand. We took notice of a few people present. We kept a small distance between us but weren’t too far from each other.

We walked side by side along the shore, only saying a few words. Our focus was mostly on the scenery in front of us. As the sun set, I took full advantage and took several photos of Namjoon. He insisted on taking one together. I gave in and he handled the selfie.

There was no one present anymore, except for a couple off in the far distance. The sun was fully gone and now the moon was starting to shine. And the coast still looked just as gorgeous.

In the two years I had been gone, I had almost forgotten how beautiful it was. Although I had come to love Seoul, there was something about California that made it irreplaceable. The water, beach, sands, mountains, and coast couldn’t be matched. I had traveled the world and California was still among the most beautiful places.

“I can see why you chose this place,” Namjoon’s voice lingered in the chilly air. His face was turned towards the sea, watching the waves lightly crashing onto the shore.

My eyes stayed on his face, admiring how the moon’s light bounced on all the right angles. Shadows were created but only amplified his features. The wind moved through the water and his hair. It really looked like he belonged to the night.

I took it back, there was another beauty that took top tier.

“What?” he asked, catching me ogling at him.

There was zero embarrassments I felt. Without shame, I would openly gawk at his magnificence. “You’re so handsome,” I said dreamingly. “When moon rise, it’s your time to shine.”

He turned away, trying to hide his shy smile.

I let out a laugh. “So cute.” I poked his side.

His dimples deepened. I saw the glint in his eyes before he could make a move.

I was already planning on dodging him before he reached for me. But before he made a move, I noticed something from the corner of my eye. I turned my head and found a couple several yards away, walking towards us. They were both young Asian women.

 My heard accelerated, frightened at being caught. I moved several feet away from Namjoon just as he made to reach me.

I turned my head away from the pair of eyes that were getting closer to us. I put some more distance between the two young women as they reached. We exchanged smiles, but I did my best to hide my face in the shadows. I hoped Namjoon did the same.

The two women walked between us and continued on their walk opposite us. They didn’t show any indication of knowing either one of us. Their faces and strides kept forward. Once they were far away, I fell into step with Namjoon. I let out a sigh, relieved we hadn’t been caught.

However, Namjoon stepped away from me. “No, maybe we should wait until we’re back at your place before you get too close. Wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable.” His voice was harsh and bitter.

I turned to him, confused. His eyes were knitted together, his chin set forward, and his jaw clenched. “What?”

“You must have jumped a good ten feet. Even with complete strangers, you don’t like the thought of anyone knowing we’re an item.” I could hear the hurt in his words, but his main emotion was annoyance.

I chose my words carefully and did my best to keep my voice steady and soft. “Namjoon, we do the same thing in Korea. On the rare times when we’re in public, we keep a good amount of distance between us. I didn’t jump away from you because I’m ashamed of you. I stepped away because I was worried they would recognize us.”

His facial features didn’t waiver. “We’re in America, I’m not as recognized here as I am in Korea. And just because they’re Asian doesn’t automatically mean they know me.”

There was an accusation in his statement that hinted at my being ignorant. It stung because he was right, I had made an assumption: they were Asian, so more than likely they knew about BTS. However, the harshness in his words made it seem as if my assumption was more sinister than naïveté.

I tried to mask the hurt. “Even you guys have mentioned whenever you’re in a foreign land that the ones who recognize you immediately are Asian. And I was only being careful. Especially after Jungkook’s close call. I apologize if it came off wrong; that wasn’t my intent.”

It was moments when we walked in silence, letting the incident hang in the air. Our thoughts played the scene over and over again and I was positive he was wondering the same as I: what would have been a better way of handling that situation?

The chill in the air started to physically affect me. I felt goosebumps along my arm and my body began to involuntarily shiver. No more than a few seconds later, I felt a heaviness around my shoulders, Namjoon’s scent hit me powerfully. He had taken off his hoodie for me.

“I’m sorry,” he said deeply. “I shouldn’t have said it that way. It’s a constant reminder that we can’t be ourselves whenever we want. Jungkook and Yuna did have a close call and it was a mess covering it up. Most of what I have, I’m grateful for. But every now and then I’m reminded of the negative attributes of being an idol.”

I could see and hear his own hurt. Even though I was well-known myself, my dating life was kept under the radar due to my own personal decisions. I was a private person who never confirmed or denied any of my relationships. But I never worried about any paparazzi taking pictures of me with my partner. If I was caught holding hands or kissing someone, I didn’t care. It didn’t affect my business. However, the same could not be said about Namjoon or any of the other guys. Our worlds, realities, and cultures differed in that aspect.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly to him, not knowing what else I could say.

He gave a small shrug. “It is what it is.”

I wanted nothing more than to stretch out my fingers to hold his hand. But we were still out in public. Several people were out that could still recognize us. I settled for taking a whiff of his sweater, making sure he saw me doing so.

The dimples on his face told me he understood me. He always understood me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was the first to arrive on the red carpet before the guys, but eventually, they caught up to me.

Namjoon and I hadn’t seen each other beforehand. He had gotten ready at the hotel and I had gotten ready at home. However, we timed so we would arrive at the same time.

As I posed for photos, the guys made their way closer to me. Up at the very front of the line was a damn good-looking Kim Namjoon. He looked dashing in his grey suit and blond hair. As my eyes landed on his handsome facial features, I noticed his eyes roaming over my dress. It was a halter-top, flowy material that had a split along one of my legs. The split reached my upper thigh, almost my pelvic. It hugged and highlighted my best features: legs and chest. And the yellow material complimented my skin tone. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t kept Namjoon in mind while deciding on this outfit a while back ago.

Hearing my name being called out, I snapped me back to the present. I resumed posing and form the corner of my eye, I could see the guys starting to pose as well.

Once the round of photos had ended, I publicly greeted the guys at the first opportunity. We took a few photos together and continued on. Namjoon and I did our best to keep some distance between us.

While most of the time, I spent time doing solo interviews, there were multiple hosts who insisted on interviewing me with the guys. Many forgot we were friends and I had been living in Korea for the last two years. As soon as the media remembered, the guys and I were almost stuck at the hip for a handful of interviews.

As we were talking to one of the hosts, Hoseok had been asked a question. I tried to move back to allow Hoseok to get closer to the mic, but in so doing, I lost my footing. If I had been wearing normal shoes, I would have been able to balance, but I was wearing 5-inch heels. My arms shot up, trying to keep myself upright.

A warm set of hands caught me, keeping me from making a fool of myself in front of millions of people.

I looked up to find Namjoon’s hands on me. His instincts had kicked in. A look of worry on his face. “Are you hurt?” he asked with concern, keeping me steady, and searching me.

Other hands took my arm or held my back, ensuring I was safe.

I let out a nervous laugh. “That would have been embarrassing,” I said to the interviewer.

“Good thing these gentlemen were here to save you,” commented the interviewer. “Nice work, boys.”

“Thanks, guys,” I said. Hoseok and Jimin made sure I looked nice and steady before they let me go. Once they saw I was ok, they too let out a laugh.

“Wow,” said the interviewer. “They got really worried for you.”

Namjoon’s hands were still on me and the look of concern on his face still had not left.

He needed to stop—we were in public. There were dozens of cameras on us. I thought of something quickly to stop any fans and onlookers from reading too much into this. “They’re like my brothers, so they’re pretty protective. Very sweet.” I reached up and pinched Namjoon and Hobi’s cheeks.

Hobi giggled while Namjoon took his hands from me, getting the hint. Quickly, the conversation went elsewhere.

I hoped it worked.

The night continued without any other incident. I ended up winning the award I was up for. As I made my way up the stage with the singer I had created the song for, the guys stood up and cheered the loudest. It was very cute.

The guys went on to win plenty of awards themselves.

Finally, I was up for my least favorite part of the night: presenting.

Even though I was fine at meeting new people and thrived when I performed on stage, I always disliked getting in front of a group of strangers and presenting. While I knew most of the people in the audience, I wasn’t friends with them. They were colleagues and standing in front of all of them was not fun. It was anxiety really, just a dislike. And despite how much I hated it, goddamn Kim Taehyung managed to convince me to take this stupid job.

I was presenting the night’s most important category, which only made it more fun. Among the nominees were the guys which only added to the list of reasons why I didn’t want to do this.

Everyone in the industry knew I was close to them, so I was confident they would be winning. The night had been centered around them. They had won multiple times already. This would be the cherry on top of a record-breaking night for them. However, I was still hesitant to fully believe they would win.

After the last of the nominees had been announced, I got ready to announce the winner. “And the award goes to,” I tore open the paper and read the winner written on it. “BTS!” I cheered.

The fans went wild, of course.

All seven of them took a gracious bow and made their way over to the stage where I stood.

We were keeping social distancing for the awards, but I made sure to fist-bump every one of them at least. I'd hug them later when we were alone.

When I reached Namjoon, I could see him shaking with nerves. I took notice of how the others were wrapped around us, covering us from prying eyes and cameras. I took advantage of the window of opportunity. “Take a breath, baby,” I said under my breath so only he could hear.

His vision refocused as he looked at me. I gave him a smile and turned away.

I took my place off to the side, giving them center stage. Namjoon rubbed his hands together—a habit of his when he got too nervous or anxious—and took a breath as I had suggested, and made his way to the mic.

He stumbled his way into the half-remembered speech he had written and practiced numerous times. Even after all these years and the amount of success he had, he still got genuinely elated and surprised when they were rightly recognized. The beauty of his humbleness squeezed at my heart.

God, he was perfect. And damn me, because I was finding myself falling even deeper for him.

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

I entered the main house and was welcomed with warmth. The only one present was Yoongi. Because I was the only other musician on the premises, Yoongi had asked to borrow one of my guitars. The strings on his had torn and he needed a guitar for today’s workshop.

Thankfully, I had traveled with two.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, taking one of the guitar cases from me. “Do you have a preference?”

I shook my head. He opened both cases and took out the guitars to see which one he would prefer.

I turned to the kitchen, eyeing the stove to see if there was any food prepared. “Have you cooked anything?”

“Jin-hyung said he would take care of breakfast; I’m doing lunch. Not sure who’s handling dinner yet.” Yoongi played around with my guitar, trying to get comfortable with it. “Jin should be here soon.”

Sure enough, I saw Jin making his way towards the main house. “Good morning,” he said as he walked in wearing his neat pajamas. He was the only one who wore proper nightwear. The rest of the guys wore simple t-shirts and gym shorts or close to nothing at all.

He caught me staring. “What?”

“You’re the only guy I know who actually wears pajamas. Just an observation.” I walked over to the espresso machine to prepare my coffee.

“That’s because you don’t know many men,” he said jokingly.

I cracked a smile. “So all the other guys are little boys?”

He nodded as he washed his hands so he could start prepping breakfast. “Don’t worry, Namjoon will evolve eventually.”

I wasn’t going to fall for his trap, so I didn’t answer. Yoongi, on the other hand, let out a loud laugh in the other room.

“Maiwa, what’s going on with you and Namjoonie?” Yoongi asked.

I did my best to come across as confused. “What do you mean?”

“Dr-drop the act, there’s something going on. I'm shore—sure of it,” Yoongi was now in the room, a look of mischief in his eyes. He was definitely excited about his suspicions because he was stuttering, a habit of his when he was either too tired or too excited. “He was too happy yesterday. He kept laughing at everything.”

“Did you guys sleep together?” Jin asked shamelessly.

“Kim Seokjin!” I smacked him.

He laughed. “Why-why-why? Would that be a bad thing? You’re both adults.”

“We’re friends,” I ducked my head, embarrassed by the feeling of heat coursing through my cheek and neck.

“With benefits?” came a voice from above us. A giggle followed.

“Isn’t it too early for you to be up?” I called out to the eavesdropping bunny above us.

Jungkook’s giggle continued. “You were really flirty with him yesterday.”

“I’m always flirty,” I argued.

“Not like that,” Yoongi’s face was beaming as he stared at me. “Come on, be honest. We won’t tell.”

That was a lie. “Please. Let’s say for shits and giggles that there was something going on between Namjoon and me and I decided to tell you. You would be off whispering the gossip into Jimin’s ear. And then Jimin would tell Taehyung and Hoseok. And if it wasn’t for Mean Girls Karen Smith on the second floor at the moment, Jungkook would be the next to know.”

Yoongi looked almost offended by the accusation. “I’m no gossip.”

“You tell Jimin every rumor you hear about,” I said bluntly.

“Jimin hardly tells me any gossip anymore,” Jungkook defended himself.

“Who’s Karen Smith?” Jin asked, looking lost as he worked on the veggies.

“No, I don’t,” Yoongi argued.

We went back and forth for a good while, the topic of discussion changing. I was proud of myself—Yoongi had completely forgotten about his suspicions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the middle of breakfast, another producer, Hiss Noise, dropped by for the workshop. He was only going to stay until the next day. He and Hyunseo were scheduled to leave in the morning. After tomorrow, the eight of us were going to be left fully alone.

Because of Noise’s short stay, we had a lot of work to do today. The workshop was more intense than the previous ones and longer.

During one of the breaks, most of the guys spread out throughout the main house, stretching and regaining energy.

As others walked around the house doing various things, I was sitting on one of the chairs in the living room playing the song we were testing on my guitar. For the last few hours I had been playing the same chords and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something didn’t sound right.

I looked at the sheet notes, thinking of how to fix it. And then it felt like I had found a fix.

“What’s up?” asked Namjoon, almost as if he could hear my thoughts.

Setting my guitar on the floor, I answered, “I don’t think this song calls for strings.”

“Piano?” asked Yoongi, also reading my mind. “I was thinking the same earlier.” He took out his keyboard and plugged it in.

Walking towards his seat I took it as soon as he stood up. I set the music sheet in front of me and played the song on the piano and dropped the tempo, humming the lyrics.

Namjoon and Yoongi, and a couple of the other guys, listened to my changes.

“Blues,” Yoongi said, understanding where I was trying to take the song.

I played it once again from the top, only this time, I sang the lyrics Namjoon had written. At the song’s crescendo, my vocals turned full R&B. Maybe it was due to the Proposal song I had been working on in my free time, but this For Youth song Namjoon had created felt like it needed some soul.

I finished the song softly, using simple and quiet notes.

A few of the members clapped.

“Jungkook is going to have fun on that last part,” Jin said, giving the youngest an encouraging slap on the back.

Jungkook let out a nervous laugh. “That’s going to be difficult.”

“You’ve done runs before,” I reminded him. While Jungkook tended to sing with an R&B/Pop feel, he rarely sang soulful runs and riffs. His runs were usually clean, so I could see how my take on the song was giving him worry.

“Not like you,” Jungkook answered.

“You don’t have to sound like me. Sound like you,” I pointed out. “But push yourself a little more. You said you want to experiment with your voice,” I reminded him.

This made him calm down. He had made mentioned in a private meeting with me that he wanted to do something different with his voice for this next album. Here was an opportunity.

“You got this, bro,” Hobi said enthusiastically.

Jungkook let out a sigh and walked over to the chair next to me.

Together, Jungkook and I practiced on the note as the other guys took a break. Namjoon and Hiss continued to work on the lyrics.

From where I was sitting, Namjoon seemed to be struggling. I tried to keep my focus on Jungkook, making a mental note to ask Namjoon about my worry in private later tonight.

“Ah, shit! What is that?” Hobi ducked down and went around me, who was closest to him.

His frightened state gave little concern to everyone. Most ignored his exclamation while some turned out of mild interest.

Hobi took hold of my arms and kept me in place in front of him—using me as a shield. I followed his eyes and caught sight of the threatening bug.

I followed the flying creature and thought it must be a moth by the way it was maneuvering. It was too dark to be a butterfly.

“Maya, go get it,” Hobi said, pushing me forward.

Most of the guys continued going about their business, paying Hobi no mind.

The moth flew up to the second floor, landing on the staircase rail. I let out a sigh. “Fine.” I knew if the bug wasn’t taken outside, Hobi would be extremely paranoid.

I made my way up the stairs, keeping my eyes directly at it so I wouldn’t lose it.

“You’ll be my hero Mai-Mai,” Hobi called out.

“Where’s she going?” Namjoon said in the distance.

Hobi explained to Namjoon what I was doing just as I got to the staircase where the moth was. I didn’t want to hurt it—I wanted to capture it and let it free outside. Keeping my eyes on it, I called out to the guys downstairs. “Can someone bring me a small container—preferably with a lid?”

“Yup,” Jimin called out.

I stayed put until I felt Jimin at my side, handing me the container. I made slow movements towards it, but the moth took off and flew higher up, landing on one of the posts on the second floor, above the balcony.

My eyes didn’t leave it as I went up the stairs and got to the second-story landing.

“Maya, don’t,” Namjoon’s voice was stern and almost commanding.

I ignored him and reached the post where the moth was.

“Noona, it's dangerous,” Jimin’s voice was full of concern.

“Jungkook, Noise, Jin come here,” Namjoon bellowed. “Stay under the stairs in case she falls.” Namjoon hurried up the stairs.

The guys hurried and followed orders.

“I’m not gonna fall,” I said, already standing on the thin beam, balancing myself.

Several voices below began to lecture me.

They were overreacting. I held onto the post and made a reach for the moth, but it was too far from me.

Suddenly, large hands were keeping hold of me around the waist. “Maya, get down.” Namjoon sounded as if he was on the verge of screaming at me.

I pushed up to my tiptoes, struggling with his strong hold on me.

“Oh! Maya, really, it’s not that serious. Get down,” Hobi’s voice sounded slightly panicked. He was at my other side now, holding my leg from around the post.

I made a final reach and trapped the moth inside the container. Its little wigs flapped violently inside, struggling to get out. I looked down at the concerned faces underneath me. “Here,” I said as I looked at Jimin.

Jimin took it from my hands and stepped back. “Will you get down now, please?”

As carefully as I could, I balanced myself on the beam. Namjoon’s and Hobi’s hands had stayed on me, ensuring they would catch me if I slipped. I was ready to jump off but the hands on my waist were impatient.

“I got her, Hoba,” Namjoon assured with finality.

Once Hoseok’s hands were off my leg, Namjoon took full control and took me off the beam. His solid arms handled me as if I was lightweight. My hands shot to his broad shoulders to keep myself balanced.

With great gentleness that I never would have imagined coming from Namjoon, my feet hit solid ground. His gentle touch made my heart flutter like the moth's wings. I almost forgot we were in front of our friends…and that he was upset with me. However, as my eyes reached his, the warm fuzzy feeling left.

His dark brown eyes scolded me. “What the hell was that?” he demanded.

I let out a sigh and stepped away from his embrace. “I was fine. As if I haven’t climbed on things before.”

“Not something that’s 6 meters above the ground. You could have broken your neck.”

“I was careful.” I did my best to keep my voice steady. I knew Namjoon, along with the rest of the guys, was concerned, but I didn’t like being treated like a child—especially in front of my friends. A light embarrassment came over me at the sight of everyone looking at us.

“Over a moth? It would have been better if we used a broom to swat it out instead. It’s not worth you risking your neck.” Namjoon’s voice was not getting lower. Quite the opposite, his voice was getting louder.

“I know what I was doing. I’ve climbed trees all my life not to mention I did gymnastics and specialized in the balance beam,” I said, irritating in me rising.

“Alright, let’s settle down,” Jimin intercepted, trying to calm things down. He placed a careful hand on Namjoon’s shoulder. “Noona, hyung was only worried. He doesn’t mean to treat you like a child. You scared all of us. He knows you were being careful—we all do, but it still doesn’t stop us from worrying. Just think if it was the reverse: hyungi doing something dangerous.”

The thought of Namjoon standing on top of a 20-foot staircase came to mind and absolute terror came over. Jimin was right, I would have been livid. But I was experienced and not clumsy like Namjoon.

Jimin gave his older brother a light shove, signaling him to say something.

Namjoon didn't look ready to say anything at first, he still looked rather upset. However, after a few seconds, Namjoon let out a sigh and gave a nod, clearly to having calmed himself. “I apologize. I shouldn't have scolded.”

I gave him a nod. “Ok.” I gave a small smile, letting him know I was letting it go.

He looked relieved and returned the small smile.

Jimin’s face brightened, delighted to have settled things. “Ok. Let me take this little one out." He looked into the container to make sure the moth was still ok. Then he made his way down the stairs, Hoseok at his heels.

Namjoon took another breath and brought his hand to my shoulder. “I really am sorry.”

“It’s ok. Jimini’s right. If things were in reverse, I would have been terrified.” I leaned in and gave him a half hug.

Both his arms came around me and held me warmly.

I would have wanted nothing more than to stay like that with him, but we were shortly called down for dinner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We worked a little while more after dinner but were too exhausted to continue. All of us exhausted, we were scattered along the house. The storm had gotten some momentum; the wind had picked up and the rain was coming a little harder. The guys were hesitant to leave to the other houses.

Noise was on the couch staring out into the backyard, watching the mild storm. “Hyunseo, I go half a mind in leavin’ tonight instead. Tomorrow the storm could be worse, man.”

Hyunseo shook his head. “We’ll be without light. Driving through the storm at night is risky. It’s best if we leave first thing.”

Noise nodded and turned to his younger comrades. “Y’all gonna be good here? This storm ain’t leveling up.”

“We got resources for the worse, if it happens,” Jin assured. “We have a plan set up. If things get too bad, we’re all going to take solace here. It’s the most stable of the houses and completely stoked.”

“Eight of you in one house?” Noise asked, shocked. Then he began to get up.

“We’ve lived together for ten years,” Jin pointed out.

“But no longer than that,” I heard Taehyung mutter.

I turned to him and remembered our first day here. They were giving up their shared dorm. I had been distracted by everything else that I had forgotten to ask Namjoon for further details. There was no reason for me to doubt Yoongi when he said everything was good between them, but there was something there that the guys weren’t sharing. I had meant to bring it up with Namjoon, but with our newly discovered feelings, I had forgotten about it.

Noise didn’t seem to hear Yoongi because he made no comment about it and was announcing he was going to head to his room. Hyunseo was right behind him.

As they left, I caught Namjoon’s eyes. He quickly looked away, clearly avoiding the topic.

If he really thought that was going to work, he was about to be proven wrong. I got to my feet. “I’m going to call it a night as well. I want to get out of here before the storm can get worse.”

Namjoon let out a breath. He wasn’t about to let me go outside by myself. He knew I was doing this intentionally. “We’ll message you guys as soon we get to the backhouse. Let’s all make sure we’re communicating. We’re scattered in four houses, so let’s keep in touch.”

Everyone nodded, agreeing with their leader.

After putting on our jackets, Namjoon and I made our mini hike up the small hill to get to the backhouse. The wind wasn’t too harsh, but the constant rain had made the ground muddy. I had to keep hold of Namjoon to keep myself from tripping a few times.

Surprisingly, Namjoon was steady and balanced on our way up the hill. He guided me inside the safety of the house before entering himself.

We couldn’t leave our shoes outside, too worried they might be taken by the wind. We took off our shoes and left them at the entrance of the home.

“Tea?” Namjoon asked, taking my jacket from me as I took it off.

“Yes, please,” I said.

He walked over to the kitchen to turn on the kettle.

I didn’t beat around the bush. “So, care to explain the whole dorm thing?”

He shrugged his shoulders as if the news was no big deal. “None of us are there anymore. Someone sleeps there once a week—tops. What’s the point of keeping it?” He was avoiding eye contact.

“Namjoon.” My voice was clear and serious.

Slowly, he turned to me but didn’t say a word. Just stood there looking…almost sad.

“What’s going on?” I asked, concern filling my voice.

There was a look of hopelessness in his eyes. It took him a moment to speak. “We’re taking a break after the album comes out.”

“What do you mean ‘break’?” My brain went to a dozen different places at the word, but rather than think the worst, I stayed calm. I didn't want to overreact without getting more details.

“I just can’t…do this anymore.” There was a sudden switch in his demeanor. His shoulders sagged, his face was fragile, and his body stiffened in a fight or flight type of way. The usual collected Namjoon was disheveled. “We’re set to come up with a small mini album that will contain new original music along with the anthology. On top of that, I’ve been trying to work on my own personal music that I really want to release, but can't because I should be focusing on music of the group. I have all these ideas of what I want to sing about but struggle in finding a sound for us as a group. And I know the guys are looking at me to give them a direction for a new era—but I can’t think of one. Meanwhile, these other songs I want for myself keep circulating in my head and I can’t get them out because I need to focus on Bangtan.”

He was rambling, talking fast and his pitch was going up and down. I had never seen him so stressed.

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s alright. Breathe, sweetie. Breathe.” I lightly rubbed his arms and tried to keep him still.

He let out a breath, his eyes holding some moisture. He was close to losing it.

That was the thing with Namjoon. He had an overall good hold of his emotions, and kept calm and collected most of the time. But once he opened up, he was like a faucet. His feelings took full over. I had seen him cry several times before, but never looking so disheveled.

I tried to calm him. “First, the mini album is not a must. PD-nim was very specific that this anthology was to be whatever the seven of you decided on. If you guys come up with two or three new songs, then that’s all there will be. It’s supposed to be a no-pressure workshop. That’s what we’re doing here: trying to help you guys figure out what you want this album to be.” I rubbed his arms, trying to soothe him. "If there are not enough songs for a mini-album, then fuck it. Just come up with one and make the rest of the work only an anthology."

His eyes were still hurt, still avoiding me.

“And the guys will completely understand the pressure you’re going through. If you’re at a stump, then you’re at a stump. There’s nothing you can do about it. Take it from someone who is currently there.”

He wasn’t convinced, still showing doubts.

I took his face in my hands, gently rubbing his cheeks. “You worry too much, you know that? And your worry makes me worry.”

It was true. Namjoon often looked like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. Over the years, he had allowed the guys to take some of that burden away, but he still held so much responsibility. Put too much pressure on himself to excel. He was such a perfectionist that if he felt he wasn’t reaching certain expectations, he felt himself a failure. Failure was something Kim Namjoon did not do well.

His eyes met mine and he noticed my worry. “Sorry.” His arms came around me.

“Have you told this to the guys?” I asked, stepping into his embrace.

He nodded. “You didn’t say anything they didn’t already mention to me. I told them….” He stopped himself, looking hurt.

“What?”

Several tears began to form in his eyes again. “I told them I was feeling…lost. I don’t know where in Bangtan I belong. If I can’t be the songwriter the group needs me to be, then what’s my role? At the same time, I feel too linked to them—like I lost my self-identity. I have songs I want to do for myself, but then I feel…guilty.” He lifted his hands off me and rubbed his eyes. “So much shit going on in my head.”

My hands stayed on his arms. “And you think that physical distance will help,” I said, understanding now why they were giving up the dorms.

“It’s a big reason why. I’m hardly there anyway. I sleep there a couple of times a month, but mostly out of obligation. Obligation to the company, the group, PD-nim, the team…. But the more time I spend there, the more I feel out of place. It just doesn’t feel like it’s ours anymore.” He kept talking out loud without a linear thought. Now that he was voicing his concerns, all his worries were spilling out of him—dying to finally be let out.

Judging by his reaction, I had a feeling his previous statement about having told the guys about his worries was only a half-truth. “Have you discussed everything with the guys?”

His eyes dodged mine.

I wanted to scold him. Tell him that keeping all his worries to himself did not help his mental health. But that’s not what he needed at the moment. He was having a moment of vulnerability and needed support.

I reached for his face, my fingers grazed over his chin until his eyes fell on mine. “They love and trust you. If you feel this will help, then there’s no need for guilt. You’re voicing your needs—you should never feel guilty about that.”

There was a slight calmness that came over him, but a grey cloud full of worry still lingered around him.

For a long moment, he kept his brown eyes on me and it seemed as if he wanted to tell me something but was holding back. I knew the feeling. The burden of keeping your worries to yourself and not allowing loved ones to help you. I wanted him to tell me everything, but from personal experience, I knew it was all up to him. He should only tell me once he was ready.

I stayed quiet and continued to hold him, patiently waiting for his next step.

After what seemed like an hour, he took a seat on one of the bar stools along the kitchen island, pulled me with him, and rested his forehead against mine.

He wasn’t ready to vocalize all he wanted to quite yet, but silently, he was asking if I could help with the heavy load. My arms came around his back and I pulled him closer. Without a doubt, I would happily take on his burden. I would take all his worries and carry it all myself if I was able to.

He took in a deep breath, using only his nose. It felt as if he was taking in the full scent around him. Like he was breathing me in.

Slowly, I felt Namjoon’s shoulders relax. The hands he had on my hips had a light touch to them now. The grey cloud had sailed away.

It didn’t take long for our kissing to start. Unlike the previous nights, Namjoon’s movements were softer, sweeter. There was no sense of urgency; we knew we had all night and there was no need to rush. He took his time exploring my lips, neck, and face with his lips. His hands wandered around my back, hips, and sides, but didn't push too much.

As our lips danced with each other, a roar of thunder rumbled in the distance.

---------------

NOTE: Thank you for the support, everyone. It's very much appreciated. As much as I'm enjoying writing fluff, I AM going to be posting some more mature content in the next chapter. I didn't expect this fic to be a long burn to get to the smutty scenes, but Kim Namjoon didn't let me speed things up! He's too much of a damn gentleman. But I'm putting my damn foot down and showing him who's boss! 🤨😅

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

MASTERLIST

Pretty sure I could have arrived faster if I had a driver, but the American side of me prided herself in independence and refused to hire a private driver. My manager, Kyongsoo, and I got into many arguments regarding this. I had been living in Seoul for close to two years. I had come here for inspiration and wanted the freedom to go and see whatever I wanted in my own time.

I came to Seoul because as an artist, I wanted to challenge myself. I had sold millions of albums worldwide, won multiple awards, and performed in sold-out stadiums around the globe. My contract with my old label had expired and for many reasons, I chose not to renew it. One of the reasons I hadn’t was I had hit a wall—I didn’t know what my next album would contain. I had sung about topics important to me: self-worth, women empowerment, and toxic relationships. I didn’t know what else to write about.

After months of therapy with Dr. Rob, I figured this artistic wall was one of the reasons for my panic attack two years ago. I believed the biggest hurdle I needed to overcome was my creativity. While he believed my panic attacks were deeply rooted in something else, he did agree with me that music was a big component and pushed me to discuss my concerns with other music friends. I had the tendency to never speak about my troubles to my closest friends. It would be good for my mental health to talk openly about my problems to loved ones.

It had been uncomfortable doing this, but I did it. I voiced my concerns to a few friends and one of them, Namjoon, suggested moving to Korea. He believed the change in scenery would benefit me. As a songwriter, my creative mind would remain active. I had written for other artists in the past, so this wouldn’t be too new for me. Plus, I wasn’t a stranger to Korea. I had visited the country regularly since my teens. Dr. Rob had agreed a change would be good for me, so as long as we continued our sessions through video chat.

So, I packed up and moved to Seoul in January 2020. I was supposed to be here for 6 months, but everything changed in such a short time. I ended up staying longer due to the pandemic. My tourist visa became a long-term visa. It should have all felt like a nightmare, but it had become a blessing. My creativity had come back from working with other artists. I helped create music I was proud of. And while I still had felt no inspiration to write music for myself, my sense of worth had come back.

But my days in Korea were numbered. My Visa was expiring in a few months. I wasn’t sure what was to come after. Would I return to the States? Extend my Visa for another six months?

Thinking about whether I was going to be leaving Korea caused my heart rate to increase. I settled myself and remembered the steps Dr. Rob had worked with me.

After some months of therapy with Dr. Rob, I had viewed a change in my anxiety. I was calmer. Namjoon had been right: therapy had helped my quality of life. I was forever grateful to my friend for helping push me to get the help I needed.

A sudden ring echoed around me, signaling I had arrived at my floor. It was the noise that I needed to bring me to the present. I hurried to the meeting room. Thankfully, I wasn’t the last to arrive. I greeted everyone and they welcomed me as I made my way to an empty chair. I was about to sit down when I heard someone call out ‘noona’. There were less than a dozen people present, and I was the only female, so I knew it was directed at me.

Taehyung was looking right at me and making a motion with his hand, pointing to a chair closer to him. “Noona,” he repeated.

I didn’t understand why it mattered where I sat but seeing that I adored Tae like a little brother, I often gave in to whatever he wanted. I walked to the chair he wanted me to sit in.

Hoseok waved at me excitedly. It had been a good while since we last hung out; I made a mental note to ask him and his girlfriend if they wanted to come over sometime this week so we could catch up. Yoongi was to Hobi’s right and he was still as a statue. His eyes met mine, but he gave no wave or nod. He liked to ignore me a lot of the time, so I sent him a finger heart. If I didn’t have the mask on and if we were in a more relaxed environment, I would have blown him a kiss, knowing full well it would annoy him. When he saw my finger heart, he turned away.

I next caught eyes with Jin. We stared at each other for a couple of seconds when I finally winked at him. He turned a bit shy and laughed at the fact that I had beat him on winking at him first.

The last person I caught eyes with was Namjoon. I waved at him as he sent me a nod.

The doors opened and we all turned to find the two final members enter. Jimin and Jungkook apologized as they made their way to their seats. As Jimin passed me, I stuck my foot out a little, making him trip. Jungkook gave a low laugh watching his friend almost fall. Jimin sent me a “death stare” and shook his finger at me. “Noona…” he chided.

Jungkook pushed him forward and waved at me as he did so.

“Hi, cutie,” I whispered to him in English. It was a nickname I used on all three of the youngest in the group. Despite all of them being in their mid-20s, I would always view them as little brothers.

The moment Jimin and Jungkook sat down, the meeting started.

The concept for the guys' album had been decided on. It would be an anthology of the group’s work with only a few new songs included. A few ideas had been thrown around as to what old tracks would be included, but the guys still hadn’t collectively decided. Seeing this was going to be an important album and they were perfectionists, they wanted to get the track list right.

During the meeting, many thoughts were voiced about what type of new songs could be written. A good idea suggested was for the group to leave Seoul for a few days for a songwriting bootcamp. It would allow the band time away from distractions and to focus.

The guys liked the idea, but insisted they wanted little to no staff, nor cameras. Only songwriters and producers were welcome. The staff did not take much to convince. They tended to follow whatever wishes the seven men wanted. However, Sihyuk had a different approach.

“How about if there were cameras in the studio room? Only while you record. You can turn them off and on whenever you want,” he explained. “This way, it allows us to show the fans the creative process if we decide to do so in the future.”

The guys looked at each other, specifically at Namjoon. It didn’t take long for them to agree on the compromise.

The meeting was getting near the end. I was doing my best to keep up with my notes.

“Maya, do you have any suggestions?” asked Sihyuk.

In the twenty months I had lived in Korea, I had worked alongside Sihyuk numerous times on songs for his artists. Even though Sihyuk was an important man, he was easygoing and approachable. He was unlike most department heads I had the misfortune of knowing.

I answered his question, “Maybe each member can take lead in a workshop.”

Sihyuk looked intrigued. “What do you mean?”

I voiced the idea I had been thinking of the last few days. “It seems as if the guys all have different ideas on what they would like to include in the album. Let’s have them each come up with an idea or two and present it to the members. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a new song, just an idea for the album—whether that’s the track list or visuals or music video concept.”

The guys nodded, liking the idea.

And then I brought up an unspoken topic that everyone was uncomfortable talking about. “The future is unclear of where the group as a unit will be in a year or two years from now.” I could feel the shift in the air, see everyone’s bodies tense. “This will be the last time in a good while that all of them will be making new music together. I think this project deserves several days of work. It might get emotional,” I said, quickly looking over at Namjoon.

I remembered the last time I was in the room with him while he was writing a song.

~~~~~

(Early in the year…)

I was in the HYBE building working on music for another artist. It was lunch time and figured I would check on the guys to see if they were free to eat with me. After messaging with Hobi, I knew some of the guys were at working on a new song.

I entered the studio expecting high energy or excitement; however, I walked into a room full of a solemn atmosphere. Even Hobi wasn't his cheery self.

“What’s up?” I asked with caution.

Namjoon and Yoongi were sitting at the desk, looking down at some notes, scratching their heads and frowns on each of their faces. They didn’t even acknowledge my presence.

“They’re at a block,” Hobi answered, closing the door behind me.

Right at that moment, Yoongi let out a grunt and tossed down his pen. “Nothing good is coming out. I’m just going to submit my part as it is.”

Namjoon slouched more on his chair and he too let out a grunt as he shook his head in frustration. “It shouldn’t be this difficult.”

Yoongi got up from his chair. “We can’t do anything about it right now. It’s only going to get more frustrating. Maybe a small break will be good.”

Namjoon shook his head. “I’ll continue working on it a little more.”

“Do what you feel is best,” Yoongi said to him. He turned and finally acknowledged me. “You want to get lunch with us?”

I shook my head and turned to Namjoon. His neck hung off the chair as he massaged his forehead. I hadn’t seen him this stressed before when writing a song; it was concerning.

Yoongi followed my gaze. “Namjoonie will be alright. Just needs a breather. Maybe he’ll listen to you, though.” He gave me a pat on the arm and he and Hobi headed out.

I took Yoongi’s chair and sat in silence as Namjoon kept his eyes closed and tried to gather his emotions and thoughts.

It took a good while for him to straighten up on his chair. When he finally opened his eyes, he looked surprised at my presence. “I thought you left with Yoongi and Hobi.”

“I ate already,” I said, hoping my stomach didn’t make a noise and give me away.

“Liar,” he accused.

I smiled. He knew me well. And if he knew me well enough to know my lies, then he knew me well enough to know I wasn’t going to leave him alone at the moment. “What’s going on?”

He let out a heavy sigh. “This new song we’re set to release…I just can’t seem to write anything for it. The lyrics are to be bland with a pop sound to it. It’s just…” He stopped himself. He didn’t want to say anything too negative.

It had been over a year since my move to Korea and we had gotten quite close. Close enough for me to notice when Namjoon kept himself from being too open and honest. He didn’t like being pessimistic. He felt if he let his thoughts get too dark, it would lead him to his depression. He tried to be as positive as possible.

I didn't think it was a good thing to suppress emotions, though. They needed to be let out from time to time. “What?” I pushed.

He shook his head slightly. “I just want something…else…something more. The beat is there, and it will make people feel good. But the lyrics could be better—I think. There’s no meat to it.” There was a look of slight anger in his eyes, but he kept himself from staring at me for too long.

I let his words sit for a moment as I processed what the problem was. When I finally got it, I was sure how to answer, “Not all songs have to be deep, Namjoon. People, your fans, appreciate the deep meaningful ones that move them. But it was a tough year. During the dark days, sometimes you want to forget your problems and go somewhere happy to forget for a moment.”

“It just doesn’t seem genuine,” he immediately responded.

I nodded. “You’re right. But what’s wrong with pretending for a few minutes? You guys shoot 45-minute episodes of Run BTS with the intention to make people happy, right? How is releasing a 3-minute song any different?”

He didn’t reply, only sat there as if processing what I had said.

“You focus too much on the deep, profound, and heartbreaking emotions we humans go through. But the silly, fun moments need attention as well from time to time.”

It took a good while, but his mood changed slightly.

I managed to convince him to take a lunch with me. He was almost back to normal, but there was an aura around him that left me unsettled for him.

~~~~~~~

The song they had worked on earlier this year had become a global hit and Namjoon had eventually grown to embrace it. But that day had been the start of my suspicions that something wasn’t right. Something was off, and I still hadn't figured out what it was.

Namjoon spoke up at the meeting. “She’s right. We wanted to send a positive message out this summer, despite our own emotions going up and down…,” his words trailed off for a moment, keeping himself from saying something. He looked to think first and then continued. “It’s best if we kept the amount of people working on this project limited. I agree with Maya that emotions are going to come up.”

I could see the guys’ bodies stiffen. Jin began to blink repeatedly, a habit he exhibited when his nerves took over. Hobi’s leg began to shake as he moved his eyes downward. Jimin, Tae, and Jungkook’s eyes all glanced over at their leader, Jin, and Yoongi with a look of worry. Namjoon’s neck tightened. Yoongi appeared calm and collected, but I knew him well enough to tell by the way his arms were crossed that he was tense.

I was sure the worry had to be about Jin’s military enlistment. His and Yoongi's. It was a sensitive topic for the guys to discuss even with me. I wanted to talk about it, but I was always given a vague answer. I wasn’t sure if they didn’t want to discuss it because they themselves didn’t want to or because the label was preventing them to. And as much as I wanted to know my friends’ plan, I respected their wishes and didn’t push the matter.

Namjoon continued to speak but did so more slowly, wanting to ensure he kept himself calm. “We want to enjoy the rest of this year, regardless of what happens the year after. And in order to do so, I think some time away will do us good. This album is going to be the end of an era for us; it’s going to be emotionally draining.”

The members nodded in agreement.

Sihyuk also agreed. “Everyone going on this trip, please be sure to write down any materials you might need for this project so we can ensure you have it before you leave.”

We went on to discuss a little more detail about the workshops. It was decided unanimously that every member would take the lead in at least one workshop. I would be assisting some of the guys. And because of this, I was to go on the trip with them all week long, while the other producers would appear for a couple of days.

When the details were noted, Sihyuk asked, “Does anyone have anything else to add?”

Everyone was quiet.

“So, it’s settled. The guys will go on this trip, along with Maya. PDogg and Rabbit will be there for a couple of the workshops. We’ll use the Soop property. It’s big enough for everyone to be comfortable. And we’ll increase security.” He stood up. “It was a great meeting, everyone. Thank you all for your work.”

As some of Big Hit Music staff began to exit, I made my way over to the members.

Taehyung greeted me with a warm hug. “Hi, noona.”

I hugged him back, tightly. “Hi, cutie. How are you?” I asked.

Seeing him up close, I was getting a sense that something was off.

He gave me a soft look. “I’m doing ok. Today is a little rough.”

I rubbed his back in comfort. “I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

Tae shook his head slightly. “No. I’m trying to focus on the good. This trip will be good. I’ll get to see you more. I forget you live here. Namjoonie-hyung keeps you to himself,” he said with a teasing look and low enough so only I could hear.

I gave him a look of warning.

In the many years of knowing Namjoon, I had always had a small crush on him. The crush came in small waves, never lasting and never too intense. I always made sure to smash it before it got too serious. I had never admitted it to anyone, but I never denied it either when the guys voiced their suspicions. However, it was one thing for the guys to tease me about it in private and another to say it in front of Big Hit employees. Sure, the staff had all signed NDAs which kept the guys' privacy well-protected. But if the wrong person heard the wrong thing, the tabloids would have a field day. Taehyung knew this, so I was annoyed he would take a risk and say something with staff members so close.

Taehyung caught on to my concern. He looked around, taking note who was still in the room. “No one here cares,” he assured me.  

“No one cares about what?” asked Jungkook as he appeared behind me.

The boy was tall, so it was easy for him to place his chin on top of my head. His arms hugged me around the shoulders from behind.

Tae looked at me with a teasing smile. “Noona and Namjoonie-hyung hanging out a lot.”

I noticed the last of the staff leave, so I relaxed a bit. I let out a dramatic sigh. “I’m not good enough for him.” I could play around now that we were alone.

“You’re good enough for anyone,” Taehyung said defensively. He disliked when the people he cared for said anything negative about themselves—even in a joking matter.

Jungkook hugged me a little tighter. “The two should really start dating.”

Hobi appeared. “Who should date? Namjoonie and Mai-Mai?” he looked at me and laughed, calling me by their nickname for me. “Mai-Mai is too forward. Too scary.”

I sent him a glare. “Do you want to die? Ask Jungkook how strong my right hook is.” I shared Jungkook’s interest in boxing and on the rare times I went to the gym, I tagged along with him to box alongside him.

Jungkook laughed and pushed away from me. “Scary noona,” he said in English. He often said that when I boxed.

“Why is Maya scary?” came a deep voice.

Namjoon appeared at Tae’s other side and placed his hand on top of Tae’s shoulders.

“Mai-Mai is scary when she’s boxing,” Jungkook said. “You’ll see when we go to the forest. She looks terrifying.”

I rolled my eyes. “I do not look terrifying.”

“You do when you’re mad,” Hobi teased.

“Noona is very frightening when she’s angry,” came Jimin’s voice as he joined the group.

He was cute as a button, but I had no problem kicking him if he annoyed me too much.

“Remember when she almost got into a fight in that parking lot.” Jin was now a part of the discussion. He and Yoongi had joined the circle.

Not this story again. “I wasn’t going to fight the guy.”

There had been an incident many years ago that involved a rude guy in a parking lot. I had had a screaming match with him, despite the fact he had been twice my size. The guys thought I had been some sort of badass but they overexaggerated the story.

After several seconds of them laughing at me, Namjoon quieted everyone down. “Ok, ok. Let’s not get Mai-Mai upset or she’ll really start punching us.”

They all settled down.

“Eat?” Jungkook asked enthusiastically in English.

“I’m hungry,” Jin said rubbing his belly. “Who’s going? Yoongi made the reservations.”

Most of the group raised their hands.

Hobi looked at my raised hand. “You changed your appointment?”

I nodded. “Yups. I went to the dentist yesterday, so I’m free tonight.”

“Sorry, there’s no room,” Yoongi said with a deadpan tone.

This was our relationship: he was a jerk to me and I was an ass back.

“It’s alright. I’ll take your spot,” I retorted.

He looked unimpressed; his eyes halfway closed. “I’m the one who made the reservation.”

“We’ll just say Jimin is you. He’s the same height. I mean, his happy attitude will be a dead giveaway he’s not a crabby old grandpa, but we can make sure he doesn’t speak.”

The guys stood back and enjoyed our banter.

Yoongi didn’t respond, just continued to look bored with me and turned away.

I loved messing with him. “Yoongi, don’t give me attitude. I promise I’ll tell you I love you and kiss you on the cheek in front of everyone.”

That got a reaction out of him. His head snapped at me with a look full of disgust.

He knew I meant it; I had done it before.

Everyone laughed. Hobi clapped at the entertainment.

“I’ll make room, I’ll make room!” Yoongi promised.

Tae was wiping away tears of laughter. It was nice to see him in a lighter mood.

“Ok, who is going again? Raise both hands if your girlfriends are going. I’ll call the restaurant,” Yoongi said as he reached for his phone.

We all raised our hands, with some of the guys raising both arms.

Jungkook frowned at Namjoon’s raised hand, who a moment ago had not raised it. “I thought you were going to the studio.”

Namjoon shook his head. “And miss out on Maya kissing Yoongi-hyung?”

Yoongi looked “irritated”. “There will be no kissing. I want ten meters between us,” he warned as he motioned to an invisible wall between me and him.

I took a step forward with open arms and stepped forward, pushing through the invisible wall.

“Don’t!” Yoongi swatted me away as he dodged me.

He moved ahead of us and got out of the room, putting his phone to his ear as he made a call.

We all followed him out. And as we walked, I noticed Namjoon was behind with Taehyung.

I turned slightly to see what was going on between them.

Namjoon had his arm around his younger brother and rubbing his shoulder. I could hear Namjoon’s soothing voice but couldn’t hear the words. I noticed Tae’s becoming calm.

Namjoon always had the gift of soothing someone. His gift of words mixed incredibly well with his tone. It had worked on me.

“Hey, baby. We’re done and going to restaurant. Are you ready?”

The sudden English made me turn away from Namjoon. Having lived in Korea for a good while, hearing my primary language usually perked my interest.

I found it had been Jungkook who was speaking. He was a few feet from me and on the phone, surely talking to his European girlfriend, Yuna**.

“I can give her a ride,” I offered. Since I had my car, I might as well take in company. I knew how much Yuna disliked using the group’s drivers. She was a member of the Big Hit staff and able to call the company’s drivers whenever she wanted, but she was humble and preferred to take a taxi or walk rather than bother someone else. It was one of the many qualities of hers that I took a liking to.

Jungkook turned to me, looking grateful. “Maya-noona say she give you ride. No need for driver if you do not want.”

I could hear Yuna respond to Jungkook. He turned to me to give me a thumbs up. “We will be in parking garage…shortly.” He gave a wide smile, proud to have used the word correctly.

His English was improving and seeing how proud he was at his advancement made him adorable. I couldn’t help myself; I reached over and pinched his cheek.

He let me. “See you soon. Bye.” He hung up and thanked me for offering to drive her.

When we got to the garage, we split up. The guys went to their cars while I stayed by the elevators, waiting for Yuna. I could see Jungkook’s car hadn't left yet. I knew he was waiting for his girlfriend. Another thing I found endearing.

It didn’t take too long for her to arrive.

Yuna was of average height and built. She had a pretty face but wasn’t stunning. Jungkook’s prior girlfriends had been gorgeous but not very smart. This new girlfriend had more brains than looks and it was a plus. We greeted each other with a hug and exchanged pleasantries. I turned to Jungkook’s car and gave a small wave as Yuna and I walked over to my car.

At the signal, the car drove off. Yuna and I climbed into my vehicle.

“I wish I could drive. But Seoul is a little too scary,” Yuna said in her Norwegian accent.

“You get accustomed to it,” I said. “The neglect of the turning signal was the hardest thing to get over, but now it’s just slightly annoying.”

We made small talk on our way to the restaurant. Despite Yuna and Jungkook dating for well over a year, I hadn’t hung out much with her. Now that their relationship was more settled, the pair weren’t glued to the hip as much as before, so it was nice to get more one-on-one with her.

“I hear you’ve met new friends,” I said to Yuna as I turned the corner. We were just a few blocks from the restaurant.

“Yes,” she answered. “They’re European as well. We met through Facebook. They’re a nice group. I love hanging out with the guys and being around the staff but it’s nice to have friends that are outside of the BTS world.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I adore those boys, but too much of them drives me nuts.”

“I hear you and Namjoon spend a lot of time together; is he driving you nuts?” There was a teasing tone in her voice.

I shook my head. “What lies has JK been feeding you?”

She laughed. “He’s pointed out a few things.”

I let out a sigh. “Namjoon and I are just friends. I like flirting with him because it’s easy to embarrass him. We spend a lot of time together because we have a lot in common and don’t have significant others. We hang out by default.”

“Sometimes best friends make the best boyfriends,” she said as we arrived at the parking lot.

“Maybe, but not for us. We’re buddies. Namjoon is not interested in me. He has a type and if I showed you pictures, you would see he has as type and would agree I don’t fit into that type.”

It was true. All of Namjoon’s exes were of average height, straight hair, small face, wide-eyed, innocent looking, quiet, and reserved. I was none of those things.

“Is he your type?” Yuna asked with a smile.

I found a good spot. “I don’t even know what my type is. I’ve dated Latinos, white, black. I’ve dated a lawyer, an actor, an investor. I don’t think I have a type.”

“So why can’t Namjoon be a guy you date?” she asked as I put my car in park.

“There’s no physical attraction,” I lied, ignoring the small crush I had on him.

“I’ve seen him stare at your ass and chest plenty of times.”

It was a good thing I had already parked. “What?!”

Yuna laughed. “I’m joking, I’m joking.”

I let out a noise of irritation. “You and Jungkook are made for each other.”

She smiled like it was the biggest compliment.

We made our way into the restaurant, being escorted to a private room.

At entering and seeing his girlfriend, Jungkook got up and pulled out the chair next to him for her. She made her way over to him and gave him a kiss as she sat down.

It was sweet seeing them be so lovey-dovey. It had been two years since my last serious relationship. There were times I missed the intimacy. I had been on a few dates in Korea but none of them worked out. I was convinced I was just picky. It might take a good while before I was in another serious relationship.

“Maya,” someone called out my name.

I turned and saw Namjoon motioning to the chair next to him and Hobi. I walked over and was about to reach for the chair, but Namjoon beat me to it. Ever the gentleman.

I gave him a smile as a thank you. But then turned to Hobi and gave him a light smack on the arm. “Learn from Namjoon and Jungkook.”

Hobi rubbed his arm dramatically and pouted. “You want a kiss too?” He puckered his lips and leaned toward me.

I blocked his face from getting any closer. He didn’t put up much of a struggle.

“It’s not a kiss from you she wants, hyung,” said Jimin. His eyes twinkled as he stared at me.

He was the perfect example of why I was grateful I didn’t grow up with younger brothers.

“She will have to wait. Kookie will eat and breath will have garlic,” Yuna said in broken Korean. “You don’t want kiss from him. Wait for his brush teeth.”

We all laughed. The girl had a good sense of humor. Her Korean was improving.

The next hour was spent eating, talking, and laughing. It had been a while since this large number of us had gotten together. I was grateful the laws had become looser.

Next to me, Namjoon seemed to be more into his kalguksu than any of the other dishes. Summer was going to be ending soon; I was positive he was wanting to enjoy the summer soup for as long as he could.

I usually didn’t eat so much but since it was a special occasion, I treated myself to seconds of the mandu. But after one more, I had hit my limit. I fell back onto my chair and contemplated whether to take the leftovers home or ask someone if they wanted to finish them. Next to me, I noticed Namjoon pushing his bowl of soup closer to me and motioning me to take a bite. My stomach made a growl at me, warning me to leave the soup alone, but my heart wouldn’t listen. Koreans were the same as Mexican women; you rejected their food offers and you might as well tell them you hated them.

I let out a heavy sigh and took a bite from the soup. It was really tasty.

Looking up, I noticed Namjoon staring at me, waiting for my approval. I gave a thumbs up.

His dimpled smile told me he was satisfied with my reaction.

I pushed my plate of mandu over to him.

Unlike me, he didn’t hesitate. He dove right in, widening his mouth but taking the biggest small bite. I tried not to laugh at how silly he ate.

He looked at the rest of my plate. “Are you done?”

I nodded. “Knock yourself out. I’m stuffed.”

“Girl, that’s how you remain in great shape—you don’t eat much,” he said, taking a swift look at my stomach and going back to his food.

“I do too,” I argued. “I just watch what I eat. I hate working out.”

“Weren’t you just in the gym a couple of days ago with Namjoonie?” asked Jin from the other side of the table.

“Only because he made me,” I pouted.

“You felt great afterward,” Namjoon stated. “You’re welcome,” he said with a smile.

“I felt like I wanted to die.” When it came to exercise, I was a drama queen.

Next to me, Hobi agreed. “Seriously, I feel the same after the gym. It’s torture.”

“Wish I could take only dance instead so I don’t have to bother with the workouts,” I whined.

“You would still need the workouts for your core. Don’t dancers still need to go to the gym to be able to execute their routines?” Namjoon said logically.

I just stared at him, annoyed with his valid points.

Namjoon caught onto my mood and simply laughed at it. “You’re cute when you get bothered.” He reached over and pinched my cheeks.

I backed away. “Don’t call me cute.”

“You call me cute all the time,” Jimin pointed out, his mouth full of whatever he was eating.

“You like being called cute,” I reminded him.

We went on to banter for a bit longer, until normal conversations began.

As my group of friends spoke amongst themselves, I took my phone out and took several pictures while they weren’t looking. I personally disliked selfies and posing for pictures. I preferred capturing moments; more realistic rather than trying to create an image.

Most didn’t notice me taking the photos—Jimin had caught me a couple of times and made faces to the camera. I turned to my left, seeing Namjoon looking ahead towards Jin as they conversed. The lighting in the room was hitting Namjoon’s cap perfectly, creating lovely shadows along his profile. His hooded eyes, smooth nose, round cheek, and slender chin were like a painting. I couldn’t help taking multiple photos of him from different angles.

He caught on quickly. He knew my distaste for looking at the camera, so he humored me and posed. All that idol training was coming out for my benefit.

“Maiwi is Namjoonie’s personal photographer,” Jin teased.

“Some of those pictures he posts look like an amateur took them,” Yoongi teased.

“Those would be Yongrae’s. He still takes pictures like he’s in high school,” I half-joked.

It was kind of true. In the last two years, our friend Yongrae and I were primarily the ones who took the photos Namjoon posted on social media. Yongrae took alright photos but he tended to take photos that were more staged.

I got close to Namjoon’s face, my body almost sitting on top of the table as I leaned into him. I could have zoomed in with the camera, but where was the fun in that? His face was resting lightly on his hand, his long-sleeve shirt covering his chin and his fingers curling but relaxing on his upper cheek. He was looking away from me. Click.

“Handsome,” I let out without thinking and positive only he could hear me.

His brown eyes swiftly shifted to my own; the shade of them looked more of cocoa, warmer than usual.

Click.

Yeah, this was now my new favorite photo of him.

Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30

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