A frog in boiling water

so much has changed this year. I wouldn’t even consider myself the same person I was last time I posted here to be honest. I used to make personal posts like this all the time with a readmore cause I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. But I wouldn’t actually go out and talk to and open up to anyone either. It was like this passive state in between saying nothing and talking to someone about it. I don’t ever think about my future anymore. I mean, not past the next year or so. And that’s a pretty big difference for me. I used to have this specific ass cookie cutter image of what I wanted in my life, down to the exact detail. It was nice, and comforting for a while but... I guess that’s exactly why I needed to get rid of it. It wasn’t real. It was a way to escape what was happening in my life. That maybe I could hope that one day I’d have things exactly that way. I’m finally accepting that I’m young and figuring things out. Months ago I would have railed against the thought that I don’t know what I want or that I’m still figuring shit out but... it’s kind of freeing in a way. I don’t know if I want a spouse, or a kid. I don’t know where I want to live. Pretty much all I know is the kind of career I want, and that’s only vaguely.. When you go out looking for a specific idea or image of something you created in your mind to comfort yourself, you pass up anything real. You don’t.. allow things to grow on you, or love something for the sake of loving it. You just have this specific cookie cutter, trying to push anything into it that you think will fit, and if it doesn’t fit, even by a little? it’s gone. You become obsessed with a vague intangible idea of what happiness is instead of allowing yourself to look at real things that you can actually feel and experience and finding out whether or not they make you happy. I still have a lot of stuff to work on, but I’m really glad that it’s getting worked on.

Kind back but not really. Unfollowed like 50 people. I might come on every so often, but no promises, I’m still pretty tired of fandoms and cookie cutter humor and it’s difficult to eliminate that completely from my dash without unfollowing like everyone which I don’t want to do. I’ll see if I can find more posts and blogs I enjoy to keep me here