thoughts.

“If you love yourself, you love others. If you hate yourself, you hate others. Because in relationship with others … the other is nothing but a mirror.”

“One of the best feelings in the world is knowing that your presence and absence both mean something to someone.”

“Solitude is dangerous. It’s addictive. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t want to deal with people.”

“Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more, and shut people out.”

I must have dialed your number a thousand times, or what seems like a thousand times. I must have typed out “hey how have you been” a thousand times before deleting it. I must have… more times than I can count, but was never able to press call, or press send… it’s so dumb. I told you I would never contact you again, yet here I am, typing out a thousand “I miss talking to you” and deleting it again and again.

Maybe in a million miles, somewhere someday we could be together, and it would last forever…just maybe

Is it bad that I wonder if you’re speaking to anyone new? If you are, does she have brown eyes? Or do horrendous attempts at accents? Is she talented or smart? Does she love her cars like you? I know you said you didn’t want a girl like Madga but Grant always looked so damn happy with her. And I just looked out of place. Did your heart stay open when I waved the white flag? Or did you snap your doors shut like the chapel after Sunday service? Is she like me at all? Or are we nothing alike? Does it make your heart ache or are you glad I’m gone? Do you ever regret me? I guess I’ll never know. I only regret hurting you. Never the rest of us. None of that. Just not knowing how to love you better. She might not even exist. But if she doesn’t now she will. Oh God I love him I really do. He makes me weak. I smile so big around him. I love him the way I loved that boy I was so desperate to forget when we met. The one that had my heart on a string on his keys. But he isn’t safe. Loving him is like standing in the same spot at the beach every day. Sometimes I’m enjoying life in the shallows and other days the tide drags me under and pulls me out to sea. Loving you was steady and sure like a mountain. Until the day we found out you were an active volcano. And it wasn’t hot lava that burned my insides. It was a simple sentence that went ‘I’m not sure I love you like I used to’. I didn’t scream or cry or yell. I said nothing at all. But remember the girl ten minutes before that you kissed on the driveway. So when you meet my replacement. I hope it burns like the liquor we drank when I was twenty one. I hope it leaves a bitter taste in your throat that you can’t rinse out. When you marry someone else I hope you wish we had handled each other with care. Knowing if we loved each other like we were fragile, it could’ve been me.

“You confuse me so much. I wish you knew what you wanted.”

“Distance doesn’t separate people. Silence does.”

Rest and self care are so important. When you take to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.

Don’t allow others’ negative remarks to distinguish the flame of kindness in your heart. Only spread this flame to those who are willing to handle it delicately with grateful acceptance, for showing concern over another’s wellbeing is an act that deserves only thankfulness and love.