jump in it

Everyone sees things differently, but here is the world through my eyes

It’s so hard to say goodbye, but almost harder to say goodbye and hello at the same moment in time. 

I haven’t been writing out of the gaping hole I used to have in my heart anymore. Mainly because of fear, jinxing myself, and mostly just not containing bloggy feelings anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still think the same. A good analogy I thought was like those songwriters who go through something in life then make the BEST songs/albums. I had made my #1 Billboard album. Now I feel like Kreayshawn hitting “the studio” now knowing I’ll never produce the same content/magic again. Cue “gucci gucci louie louie fendi fendi prada” . . .

There’s something comforting about knowing that now. I will never allow my self to feel so inferior to a human again. I have more control over my brain and heart. I know my boundaries, limits and the difference between “I love yous”. 

For a few years now, those wounds were healing, some scabs still itching or wounds reopening, but for the most part I was recovering better than I thought i ever would. 

11/21/15: It was the AMA weekend. I was thinking back to 2 years ago when I was apart of the most iconic performance I had done to date. It was with Katy Perry opening the AMA’s in 2013 to my theme song then “Unconditionally” . My boyfriend had finally said stop. Stop everything. Cancel thanksgiving plans, flights and what it seemed to me in that sad little moment, the rest of my life. That weekend, that award show, will never leave me. I thought I was blindsided, but I now see it was the LONGEST time coming. I thoroughly saw the meaning of what “BLIND love” was. 

As I sit at dinner staring into my lovely man’s eyes, drinking a marvelous glass of red wine sitting out at a patio sharing spoonfuls of our meals, laughing over the most mindless things, I realized time was flying and to check the time. I had looked at my phone with 30 text messages. Not my foolish group texts, but from certain individuals I was concerned that were blowing me up. I open the first text to read to my dismay, my friend Gavi had passed away that evening.

Dropping my spoon then my head into my hands I became lifeless. Emotions came flooding back to me about the last 8 years of me being in LA, meeting that man, the memories we shared and how I never told him the past two years how much he meant to me. I live life with no regrets, ever. This was the very first time I was to experience this disgusting feeling. I went home that evening with a pit in my stomach about WHY I hadn’t told this man how big of an impact he had on my life, goals, dreams, and personality traits. Then I remembered, because he wound up being my ex boyfriends roommate after we had broken up. . .

I had let my ex boyfriend dictate friendships of mine that I had prior to even knowing him. I lost touch with friends I cared for because of him. I pushed some of them out of my life for good reason. But others like Gavi, I couldn’t bear to see tweets, instagrams or anything relating to my ex-boyfriend and his “new life”. It made me really upset for a while because he had met a lot of people through me then wound up claiming his own. (Thankfully I had lots of friends to “go around” ha). It really bothered me because some, like Gavi, were really meaningful to me. I never wanted to be that ex girlfriend hitting up the roommates. He never fully grasped that people can remain in touch and not have ulterior motives... #maturity 

So for that reason, the last 2 years I lost touch with Gavi. Now sitting looking at these texts that Gavi is gone I couldn’t help but to hate him all over again. 2 years later, on that same day he is affecting me nearly the same way. 

But this time I decide to act as the woman I want to be. I apologized. Even though in my stubbornness he didn’t deserve it lol. I wasn’t sorry for what ended us, I was saying sorry for everything after. For containing so much hate, animosity, hurt and disgust. That in turn ruined relationships of mine and especially with that beautiful human Gavi. 

Gavi was the man that worked with me at restaurants we hated, but we both knew the end goal. We carried with us everyday the “bigger picture” of life in our server aprons, and knew that bussing tables was a stepping stone to traveling the world playing the piano and dancing. He showed me the most beautiful side to dreaming at 17 years old. That dreams aren’t just thoughts, they exist, and you have to be ready to pursue them when they present themselves. Which is everyday when you wake up, can breath, and think. 

After that coincidence of a day, a few days later we all celebrated Gavi. It was the biggest, saddest, funniest reunion I will ever experience. Employees I have known since the day I came here in my little Ohio car, with my hair dye job from senior prom and dreams bigger than my curly Aussie product scrunched hair..

In that moment it dawned on me. Standing in this room with an ex I thought I never was or wanted to see again, friends I lost touch with, and next to the man I love with every ounce of me, that Life is short. I don’t have the capacity anymore to let someone else dictate my own life, and I will never go a day without telling at least 1 person what they mean to me. Whether it’s a person in line at coffee bean, the lady that has the shitty dog next door, or my mom on the phone. 

You never know when it will be your last day, or anyone else’s. 

Love so hard, as hard as you can.

especially yourself.

<3

It’s so hard to say goodbye, but almost harder to say goodbye and hello at the same moment in time.

I haven’t been writing out of the gaping hole I used to have in my heart anymore. Mainly because of fear, jinxing myself, and mostly just not containing bloggy feelings anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still think the same. A good analogy I thought was like those songwriters who go through something in life then make the BEST songs/albums. I had made my #1 Billboard album. Now I feel like Kreayshawn hitting “the studio” now knowing I’ll never produce the same content/magic again. Cue “gucci gucci louie louie fendi fendi prada” …

There’s something comforting about knowing that now. I will never allow my self to feel so inferior to a human again. I have more control over my brain and heart. I know my boundaries, limits and the difference between “I love yous”.

For a few years now, those wounds were healing, some scabs still itching or wounds reopening, but for the most part I was recovering better than I thought i ever would.

11/21/15: It was the AMA weekend. I was thinking back to 2 years ago when I was apart of the most iconic performance I had done to date. It was with Katy Perry opening the AMA’s in 2013 to my theme song then “Unconditionally” . My boyfriend had finally said stop. Stop everything. Cancel thanksgiving plans, flights and what it seemed to me in that sad little moment, the rest of my life. That weekend, that award show, will never leave me. I thought I was blindsided, but I now see it was the LONGEST time coming. I thoroughly saw the meaning of what “BLIND love” was.

As I sit at dinner staring into my lovely man’s eyes, drinking a marvelous glass of red wine sitting out at a patio sharing spoonfuls of our meals, laughing over the most mindless things, I realized time was flying and to check the time. I had looked at my phone with 30 text messages. Not my foolish group texts, but from certain individuals I was concerned that were blowing me up. I open the first text to read to my dismay, my friend Gavi had passed away that evening.

Dropping my spoon then my head into my hands I became lifeless. Emotions came flooding back to me about the last 8 years of me being in LA, meeting that man, the memories we shared and how I never told him the past two years how much he meant to me. I live life with no regrets, ever. This was the very first time I was to experience this disgusting feeling. I went home that evening with a pit in my stomach about WHY I hadn’t told this man how big of an impact he had on my life, goals, dreams, and personality traits. Then I remembered, because he wound up being my ex boyfriends roommate after we had broken up…

I had let my ex boyfriend dictate friendships of mine that I had prior to even knowing him. I lost touch with friends I cared for because of him. I pushed some of them out of my life for good reason. But others like Gavi, I couldn’t bear to see tweets, instagrams or anything relating to my ex-boyfriend and his “new life”. It made me really upset for a while because he had met a lot of people through me then wound up claiming his own. (Thankfully I had lots of friends to “go around” ha). It really bothered me because some, like Gavi, were really meaningful to me. I never wanted to be that ex girlfriend hitting up the roommates. He never fully grasped that people can remain in touch and not have ulterior motives… #maturity

So for that reason, the last 2 years I lost touch with Gavi. Now sitting looking at these texts that Gavi is gone I couldn’t help but to hate him all over again. 2 years later, on that same day he is affecting me nearly the same way.

But this time I decide to act as the woman I want to be. I apologized. Even though in my stubbornness he didn’t deserve it lol. I wasn’t sorry for what ended us, I was saying sorry for everything after. For containing so much hate, animosity, hurt and disgust. That in turn ruined relationships of mine and especially with that beautiful human Gavi.

Gavi was the man that worked with me at restaurants we hated, but we both knew the end goal. We carried with us everyday the “bigger picture” of life in our server aprons, and knew that bussing tables was a stepping stone to traveling the world playing the piano and dancing. He showed me the most beautiful side to dreaming at 17 years old. That dreams aren’t just thoughts, they exist, and you have to be ready to pursue them when they present themselves. Which is everyday when you wake up, can breath, and think.

After that coincidence of a day, a few days later we all celebrated Gavi. It was the biggest, saddest, funniest reunion I will ever experience. Employees I have known since the day I came here in my little Ohio car, with my hair dye job from senior prom and dreams bigger than my curly Aussie product scrunched hair..

In that moment it dawned on me. Standing in this room with an ex I thought I never was or wanted to see again, friends I lost touch with, and next to the man I love with every ounce of me, that Life is short. I don’t have the capacity anymore to let someone else dictate my own life, and I will never go a day without telling at least 1 person what they mean to me. Whether it’s a person in line at coffee bean, the lady that has the shitty dog next door, or my mom on the phone.

You never know when it will be your last day, or anyone else’s.

Love so hard, as hard as you can.

especially yourself.

<3