daniel

it made me feel kinda relieved, i remember checking them constantly to see if you still had them saved or not. i saw them as a chance that maybe you would come back and say how much you wanted to try again. i saw music as our love language, i felt like we used music to communicate with one another sometimes. we met at a rave and the loud erractic music is something i barely remember that night, but i remember how beautiful and perfect you looked that night. now that you unsaved most of my playlists, i feel like i can finally let you go, since i have no more false hope of you coming back.

seeing you do this made me really upset also. its nice knowing youre moving on and youre finding peace, but then i remember that i dont think i could ever truly move on from you. i dont get how you could be so cold after leaving me when you loved me just a few days prior. i really hope you are happy because i wish you nothing but the best in your life, but i hope one day you allow yourself to suffer, if not over me, maybe over your next partner or something similar.

as easily as you got over me

in my head i tell myself

"its over she isnt coming back"

but my heart still aches so much

and every morning i find myself wishing

i never let anyone see me so vulnerable like you saw me all those times, i hadnt even let anyone see me without a shirt on in years until i fell so in love with you.

now i hate the idea of even accidentally bumping into someone, i dont think ill ever be able to touch someone again, and i dont think i ever want to anyways.

vincent gallo and my ex girlfriend are both awful humans yet they still have things i love about them

ever since you left i havent recieved a true compliment in ages. my friends and family give me compliments, but they do it because they are obligated to do so. you, atleast maybe at the beginning of me and you, gave me compliments that felt as if its what you were really feeling at that moment. i learned to fall in love with myself through the words you told me- hell i thought we truly were forever because of the way you had with those fucking words you would whisper to me in my most vulnerable state.

i rewatched buffalo 66 last night and when layla holds billy it broke me internally, not because the scene itself is sad, its quite bittersweet actually, but because it made me realize thats how you would hold me when i needed it most. its cliché but i was your baby sometimes, and the love i felt in those moments made me feel as if i really was something in your life that would last forever.

but now i realize that its over and i dont think this love will ever come back.

i am not billy, i am not layla.

everytime i even look at another girl i feel as if im betraying you

you betrayed me by moving on as quickly as you did, even if we are over

how was it so easy for you when this is the most i have ever suffered?

how can you just erase me from your life that easily when i begged and pleaded for you to just stay?

how can we be strangers after everything we have been through together?

did it all mean nothing to you?

now that youre gone i realize they were all lies. i see the new boys in your life and i get sick looking at myself. you made me hate myself when all ive ever felt from you was love.

every day i try convincing myself that i hate you but i know it will never be true. you made me hate myself, how i look how i act the type of music i like the things i do i hate everything about my life and you made me realize all of this. you gave me all this hatred for myself but i still have all this love for you, you told me i am the love i put out and that i should give it to myself but you are the only one i love.

the other day i watched mysterious skin and when neil mccormick, played by joseph gordon-levitt, says "you said i was your fucking angel" it reminded me a lot of you. not in the way of what the movie is about, but what our love is, or i guess was now, and how love in general usually is. im sure the words "you are the love my life and i dont see myself with anyone else ever" have been shouted from the rooftops, whispered, muttered, or written in almost everyones life, possibly multiple times to different people. ive said it to others before you, and im sure ill say it to people after, and you have most likely done the same. but with you it felt so different. it actually felt real like i could trust that you really were the love of my life and i was yours, and that no matter what we would be together forever. you said i was your fucking angel and you lied to me, you shot holes through my wings as easily as you gave me them, you watched me fall from the heavens and you let me die. obviously i didnt actually die but some parts of me did, my ability to find attraction or joy in anything definitely died.

my biggest regret was not giving you the space you asked me for that night, but if i was given the chance i would do it all over again if it meant you knew i really did try to fight for us. i know you said you didnt want that at all but id rather you erase me from your life knowing i atleast tried to repair and save what love we had left rather than us go our seperate ways and have you thinking i wanted this. never in one million years would i have ever wanted any of this and waking up every morning knowing it is my reality makes it hurt so much.

i hope maybe one day we can reconnect, but i dont think i could ever let you know that i still love you with all my heart knowing you moved on as quickly as you left. i was a fool to think that maybe, just maybe we could try again, but was it foolish to think you would atleast wait a little longer than a week to find someone new?