The Rouse Moan

Mancini has swapped and changed to try and find the right formula this season.

   It’s often the case that when a team uses high number of players they will underachieve. So far this campaign, Queens Park Rangers and Newcastle United have used the most personnel with 29 each, and both have fallen well below expectations.

   It is perhaps surprising then that the top two, Manchester United and Manchester City, aren’t far behind the number of players used by the Hoops and the Magpies.

   The squad makeup of the two north-west giants is actually very similar: they’ve both started 24 different players; they have one player each who has been used just as a substitute; seven of the players they’ve used have been 21 or under; United have used just 2 more players who are 30 or over; City fall just under and United just over the average age of a Premier League player this season. So what has made United 12 points better than City so far?

   Last season when City won the title in such dramatic circumstances they started just 21 different players, the lowest in the league. City haven’t suffered a huge injury crisis this campaign though, so there is no real excuse for the amount of players used; it’s just that manager Roberto Mancini still seems undecided on his best team, while Ferguson at United seems to have a favoured eleven.

   City’s season began with a 3-5-2 formation, which had mixed results in the Premier League and horrendous results in the Champions’ League. Mancini drew criticism for his new tactic – if it’s not broken, why fix it? – and soon returned to four at the back after their awful performance in Europe. Returning to a 4-4-2 obviously meant changes in personnel.

   The commitment of players at Eastlands has been questionable over the 2012/13 season. Selection changes have been prevalent over the last few weeks as Mancini excludes more people from his plans since tennis ace Rafael Nadal took out 247 separate restraining orders on those idiots who follow him every time he plays poker on his mobile phone.

   The most high profile exclusions from the first team have been Samir Nasri and Gareth Barry, £34m worth of talent. The latter has struggled for form in recent months, culminating in an own goal against Southampton which is destined for all the own goals and gaffes video releases next Christmas. Samir Nasri, meanwhile, has never hit his Arsenal form at City, but in his second season at the club has seen the Frenchman regress from anonymous to torpid. A lack of work ethic does not wash with Roberto Mancini.

   What Mancini does point to as a problem at Manchester City is a lack of success in last summer’s transfer window. They did sign six players, but they were beaten to their most high profile targets, Eden Hazard and Robin Van Persie, who were snapped up by Chelsea and Manchester United respectively.

   Of the players that were brought in, Matija Nastastic has been the most successful. He’s still a teenager, but his unflappable demeanour and fantastic strength has put him ahead of established internationals Kolo Touré and Joleon Lescott in the pecking order.

   Jack Rodwell was brought in from Everton and endured a shaky start down the M62. His last performance against Chelsea provided a glimpse of why Mancini chose to bring him to Manchester but Rodwell, along with Javi Garcia and Scott Sinclair, have yet to perform consistently since they moved in the summer. Maicon, who joined from Inter Milan, had a roly-poly physique on his arrival but has since looked slimmer, but it will take a lot more than a strict Weight Watchers diet to usurp the outstanding Pablo Zabaleta.

   In 2011/12 City were eight points behind United with six games to go and still won the title. This season United look much stronger, so the chances of City overcoming twelve points and an inferior goal difference in eleven games is unlikely. There has to be further investment in the summer. Brian Marwood, who has been repeatedly criticised by Roberto Mancini, is no longer involved in the transfer dealings of the club, and instead the baton has been passed to Txiki Begiristain, who was formerly director of football at Barcelona.

Rooney and Ronaldo on international duty when team "mates"

   Manchester United face Real Madrid on Wednesday in what should be the most daunting task of their campaign so far.

   Current English champions and arch rivals Manchester City haven’t really mounted much of a challenge in the Premier League this term. They are in second place, ten points worse-off than at this point last season, and twelve points behind United. It’s quite a feeble defence of the Citizen’s title thus far, but they’ll be hard-pressed to beat the worst title defence in Premier League history: when Leeds’s bid for a consecutive English championship in 1993, after winning the old First Division the previous season, fell 33 points short.

   At their current rate of points per game, La Liga champions Real Madrid would fall 27 deplorable points short of inevitable winners Barcelona. Their Catalan rivals have been irresistible, with Lionel Messi running out of records to break. However, the relentless charge of Tito Vilanova’s outfit will provide little sympathy for Los Blancos boss José Mourinho from the Bernabéu faithful, and, more tellingly, from Real’s president Florentino Pérez.

   During Pérez’s first term as club president he was famed for forming the Galácticos, the lavishly assembled quartet of David Beckham, Zinedine Zidane, Luís Figo, and Brazilian striker Ronaldo for a fee which would have been in excess of £139.7m (or just under $220m). This period between 2000-2006 also saw six managers. Pérez’s spendthrift style means that if Real Madrid don’t win the Champions’ League final in May, Mourinho will be ousted. Even if they win it he’s probably gone.

   It’s strange for readers of the English press to believe that Mourinho is not popular in Spain. Previously a media darling back in Blighty for his openness and ability to deliver quotes that filled thousands upon thousands of column inches, his cocky demeanour and  failure to re-establish Real as the powerhouse in Spanish football has seen him castigated in the Real Madrid dominated sport newspaper Marca, as well as national publications.

   Real Madrid’s defence is second only to Malaga’s in La Liga, but they’ll be missing captain and goalkeeper Iker Casillas through injury. This will be met with great encouragement by Manchester United, as their attack this season has been formidable.

   Wayne Rooney averages 0.7 goals a start with Robin Van Persie claiming 0.8 goals a start. Javier Hernandez’s skill of popping up behind defences unseen, like a sniggering pantomime villain, has proved a great outlet for manager Alex Ferguson, with the Mexican scoring 8 in just 5 starts. England first-teamer Danny Welbeck has disappointed but it hasn’t proven costly due to his teammates’ achievements. The striker with the early nineties hair-do is being forced onto the periphery of the Red Devils’ plans, and it may do him good if he moves in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

   If Manchester United have a weakness it’s their defence. For all the criticism that Liverpool have received this season, United have only conceded three less goals. United’s defence is just as good as Stoke City’s and, with all due respect to Tony Pulis’s outfit, I wouldn’t fancy them coming out of a two-legger against Karim Benzema, Gonzalo Higuaín, Cristiano Ronaldo and many other world class players unscathed.

   At a push, most would opt for Manchester United to conquer Real Madrid over the two games, given performances in their domestic leagues and the English club having home advantage for the second leg. But Spanish football has been at the forefront of the game since their Euro 2008 triumph, and their league is currently the strongest in the world.

   Barcelona players dominate the Spanish team and they have topped UEFA’s club rankings for the last two years. It has forced Florentino Pérez’s hand in his second term as president at Real Madrid, and his new generation of Galácticos is stronger than the league table suggests.

Argentine’s claims nearly a year ago are proven to be true

   After being continually labelled as selfish and disloyal during his time at Manchester City, it has been revealed that Carlos Tevez is, in fact, treated like a canine by Roberto Mancini.

   Paparazzi snapped the Citizens’ boss today balancing a doggy chocolate on his nose, with the striker, who allegedly cost £42m, then proceeding to flick the treat up into the air and catch it in his mouth.

   This follows rumours that, after visiting family, Tevez was flown back to Manchester from Buenos Aires in the hold.

   In an exclusive interview with The Rouse Moan, City coach David Platt tells us the origins of Mancini’s training methods, where it went wrong, and how Tevez is faring since his return.

   “When I joined Bobby (Roberto Mancini) at City, he said that after his sacking at Inter he’d spent an awful lot of time sat in his underpants, eating Jammie Dodgers and playing FIFA 2010. It was from Martin Tyler, who described Carlos as having a ‘bulldog-like approach’ on the game, that Bobby got the idea of honing Carlos into a man’s best friend.

   “First we began by getting Carlos to poo on newspaper. We gradually moved the paper outside, and he was potty trained pretty quick. He’s cleverer than he looks.”

   Platt also stressed there was a clear explanation for what happened between Mancini and Tevez at the Allianz Arena in September 2011.

   “What happened in Munich is a simple misunderstanding: Bobby asked Carlos to ‘stay’ – he was going to let him out later – but Fido – that’s what we took to calling him – mistook it for ‘play dead’ and was very upset as there was a ball bouncing around the park.”

   “This season we’ve had Carlos training a lot with balls – you should see the amount he’s ravaged when fetching Scott Sinclair’s wayward crosses. Also, because Mario Balotelli’s adept at diving, we’ve actually got him involved in coaching and he’s made great progress in teaching Carlos ‘roll-over’.”

   After talking to David Platt we bumped into Brian Kidd, Roberto Mancini’s assistant, who talked of their continued efforts to keep Tevez in Manchester.

Armstrong: persumably cold-turkeying.

   Lance Armstrong spoke to “The Most Influencial Woman in the World” about his drug doping and subsequent stripping of his seven Tour de France titles on Monday. The interview will air on both Thursday and Friday this week.

   Previously a media darling, brave survivor of cancer and phenomenal sportsman against-all-odds, countless allegations of him using banned substances throughout his career were proven to be true and he will now try to shirk the label of ‘drug cheat’.

   I don’t know much about cycling, but I can’t help but think riding a bike on drugs could prove quite difficult. I went out on a bike ride with my dad once, and we stopped at a pub. My dad was at the time 15 stone-plus (210 pounds) plus so, while he had the grace of a bear on a tightrope on his bicycle, his mass allowed him to take a lot more drink than me. Post-Railway Inn booze-up my dad rode off, wobbly yet confidently, into the night while my two-wheeler proceeded to lead me into every hedge in sight. Thorn-torn and bumped up with nettles, my predicament was of great amusement to my family when I finally got home.

   Okay, okay: Lance was on the performance-enhancing types. Obviously he had some discernible talent before he signed up to the Motorola Cycling Team in 1992 – don’t think you just stock up on drugs and then become a coveted world star – but taking these banned substances could be the difference between, in Tour de France terms, the yellow jersey or rolling backwards down the Col du Tourmalet.

   Over his career he regularly shouted down rumours of him using needle nourishment.

   It’s bad enough already, but he also ran a quite successful pharmaceutical business on the side in encouraging younger cyclists to take the banned substances. Not many young bucks would say no to a legend of the sport – he will try to amends for jeopardising their careers too.

   When Tiger Woods’s twelve affairs were outed and he managed to flee from his wife flailing a golf club in his direction, he was put in front of the cameras for what has to be the most publicised apology thus far.

   And it was awful. Sexual predator Tiger, in front of a selected audience, conducted an apology with the insincerity of a naughty toddler. It was like he was saying sorry for getting caught.

   Alas, it seems to have worked: Woods is seen whacking balls into peoples’ water glasses with Rory McIlroy in the latest Nike advert. I suppose with the sportswear company’s slogan – ‘Just Do It’ – Woods is a great advocate for the brand.

   The only reason the athletes publicly apologise in the fashion of Woods and now Armstrong is not because they feel guilty as they’ve undervalued the support that has seen them reach this fame. Oh no. It’s because they want it to endure, they don’t want their coffers to empty. Or their beds.

   So why will Lance Armstrong’s interview have so many viewers? It will partly be because it’s Oprah. She’s a nice lady, but it seems that people go a little crazy over her. Of course, fans of cycling will be watching as well. However, the main reason for the large audience is because it’s reality television.

   We enjoy watching people slut around in New Jersey. We like seeing horrendous personalities telling squawkers they have the X Factor when in two years they’ll be struggling to get a gig in their gran’s back garden. We watch channels like ITV3 and Much More.

   I’m not protesting in not joining the Armstrong audience, I’d just rather watch Downtown Abbey.

   Sandwiched between my very own international break - I wasn't called up or anything, I just fancied a break - I have contributed two more articles to Red Nation Online.

www.guardian.co.uk

   Firstly, an exploration of Britishness in 'The most British person in football? Arsene Wenger'.

www.mirrorfootball.co.uk

   Posted up today, a look into the warring words between Swindon's Paolo Di Canio and Crawley's Steve Evans, as well as a brief exploration into some managers who'd be handy in a fight: 'Hands back Hans Backe, you fighting machine'.

What an accepting, lovely bunch you Canadians are

and then...

Eyelash curlers, Labradors, and the solution to Premier League debt

   There will be another one up on Red Nation Online tomorrow. I'm sorry I've been neglecting the blog - life has been pretty hectic lately. Hopefully there will be regular posts starting again in the next couple of weeks.

   Remember to follow me on Twitter.

   Now for football's international break. Yawn.

The original background to his blog: Peter Beardsley with his meat-and-two-veg hanging out; www.winningiseverything.co.uk

   There is going to be a change of direction for The Daniel Rouse Football Blog. Well, for starters, it is now catchily named The Daniel Rouse Miscellaneous Blog.

   Because that's what it is: pretty miscellaneous. What goes on here is whatever I feel an urge to write about. I'm now writing a weekly column for Red Nation Online, so a lot of my football writing effort will go into that.

   Can I be more specific about what's going to go on here? Well, I expect there will still be some football - perhaps the stuff that's a bit too rude to stick on the RNO column - and then there should be some music (I'm a bit of a geek on that front), beer appreciation, and little bits and pieces of things I do or see that I deem interesting enough to write about.

   So stick around if you've enjoyed my pieces like the article which was mostly a celebration of urination (BMO Field article), my tendency to make comparisons between a famous person's face and something rather unsightly, and my love of self-deprecation.

   All the best.

Richard Dunne with a sweat-on in Hong Kong; www.metro.co.uk

   Finally, the Premier League is back on Saturday. While friendlies are nice money spinners for clubs, and also offer opportunities for football fans from around the world to see European teams on their doorstep, they are often dire.

   Aston Villa vs Blackburn Rovers. The kind of tie that would find itself last on Match of the Day but, in the world of pre-season friendlies, is a lucrative semi-final in the 2011 Barclays Asia Trophy.

   I watched the first half of the game before I instead opted to decipher the rules of Gaelic Football instead. It just wasn't very nice to see an extremely soggy claret and blue shirt cling to the generous exterior of Richard Dunne. We can safely rule out that he wasn't struggling with the job of marking Jason Roberts (who has averaged under 5 goals a season in his 5 years at Blackburn), it was because Hong Kong was so humid.

   This meant the game was played at a pace well under the norm - it was simply a very warm warm-up - and it made Dion Dublin's job as commentator extremely difficult as he continually lied about what an interesting game it was, and how competitive.

   But now, following Manchester United's Community Shield win over their 'noisy neighbours' on Sunday, we are close to the start of the best league in the world.

   So, club-by-club, what have we got to look forward to? Who are the important players?

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain unveiled today; www.arsenal.com

Arsenal - Today Arsene Wenger signed 17 year-old Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain from Southampton. He's not expected to make an instant impact at the Emirates, but is a huge talent who should make at least a couple of contributions off the bench. Other signings include Ivorian forward Gervinho for £11m, who helped Lille to the Ligue 1 title and Coupe de France last season. Sought-after pair Fabregas and Nasri are somehow still at the club; as are snort-laughter pair Emmanuel Eboué and Nicklas Bendtner.

Aston Villa - Villa actually beat Blackburn courtesy of a Darren Bent goal, but lost in the Asia Trophy final to Chelsea. The main spotlight will obviously be on Alex McLeish's attempts to win over the Villa Park faithful following his controversial move from arch-rivals Birmingham City. Marc Albrighton will be given more responsibility and Charles N'Zogbia expected to settle immediately after the exits of Stuart Downing and Ashley Young.

Blackburn Rovers - Blackburn finished third in the Asia Trophy, beating Hong Kong side Kitchee in the third-place playoff. Steve Kean currently has the unwanted title as the Premier League manager most likely to lose his job first, so will be looking to the now-fit Mauro Formica and the improving David Hoilett to help Blackburn on their way to safety. Despite the signing of David Goodwillie (a very presumptuous name) a few days ago, Rovers look a bit thin on the ground.

Bolton Wanderers - The loss of Lee Chung-Yong to injury is massive, so Owen Coyle will be looking towards new boy Chris Eagles to raise his game and compensate for a lack of fire-power following the departures of Johan Elmander and Daniel Sturridge. Kevin Davies will continue to lead the side in what will be his ninth season at the club.

Chelsea - Andre Villas-Boas will hope to have a deal for teenage striker Romelu Lukaku wrapped up before the season starts, and will also expect an impact from Daniel Sturridge after his successful loan spell at Bolton. Otherwise, much of the focus will again be on Fernando Torres who has been a flop since his record £50m move from Liverpool.

Rodwell and Jagielka; www.telegraph.co.uk

Everton - Will they continue their trend of starting a season badly, and then finish off looking strong? Consistency is the key for Moyes who has been typically quiet in the transfer window and will see keeping the growing influence of Jack Rodwell and defender Phil Jagielka at the club as a coup.

Fulham - The capture of John Arne Riise from Roma is a shrewd move from Martin Jol, and keeping Andrew Johnson and Bobby Zamora fit is also important. It wouldn't be a surprise if Jol delved into the transfer market a couple more times yet.

Liverpool - Much is expected of Liverpool after some big buys by Kenny Dalglish. Steven Gerrard will miss the start of the season, so new signings Charlie Adam and Jordan Henderson will have a chance to make the central midfield their own. Their defence may be their Achilles' heel though with Jamie Carragher turning 34 this term and no new players brought in to cover any defensive role.

Manchester City - Will Tevez ever play for City again? Who knows. But while the capture of Sergio Aguero is big, Mancini will be hoping for more from Edin Dzeko and Mario Balotelli. Expect a couple more signings before the end of August.

Manchester United - High off a Community Shield win topped-off with impressive performances from the youngsters, United will expect the title again. David de Gea has to fill the void left by Edwin van der Sar but Ashley Young will fit into the side with ease. Whether Ferguson will sign a replacement for the retired Paul Scholes remains to be seen.

Demba Ba in pre-season; www.chroniclelive.co.uk

Newcastle United - Demba Ba is a great signing and exactly what Newcastle needed to strengthen their faltering attack, but it's the gap in central midfield left by Kevin Nolan and Joey Barton (who seems unlikely to appear for the Magpies again) that is vital. The French duo Yohan Cabaye and Sylvain Marveaux have joined, and, along with Cheick Tioté and Dan Gosling, will look to ensure that Nolan and Barton are not missed.

Norwich City - Captain Grant Holt will once again step up a division after spending the 2008/09 season in League Two with Shrewsbury Town, and then moving to Norwich where he has enjoyed back-to-back promotions from League One and then the Championship. Keeping Holt amidst reported interested from Newcastle, as well as sustaining new boy James Vaughan's fitness, is important in a squad with very little Premier League experience.

Neil Warnock; www.guardian.co.uk

Queens Park Rangers - Neil Warnock is back! Cue post-match rants, touchline fallouts, and maybe some sneaky cheating from the Yorkshireman. QPR still, just, have Adel Taarabt as their creative spark in midfield, and have bolstered their attacking options in the acquistions of DJ Campbell from Blackpool for £1.25m and Jay Bothroyd from Cardiff City on a free.

Stoke City - As I have mentioned in a previous article on this blog, Tony Pulis needs to buy. Their midfield isn't the best and, while it is sandwiched by a weighty defence and front-line, it will be found out on numerous occasions this season. The added physical demands of the Europa League will stretch the squad to its limits. A big two-and-a-half weeks in the transfer window for Pulis.

Sunderland - In contrast, Sunderland have been very busy: they have signed no less than ten players. After Darren Bent moved to Aston Villa last January, coupled with a lengthy injury list, Sunderland dropped down the table following a very strong start, and were looking nervously over their shoulders at the relegation places. Steve Bruce has moved to ensure it doesn't happen again: ex-Manchester United duo John O'Shea and Wes Brown and ex-Birmingham City men Sebastian Larsson and Craig Gardner add experience to their defence and midfield respectively, while Ji Dong-Won and Connor Wickham bring youthful exuberance to the Sunderland attack. A deal for James McClean from Derry City also looks on the verge of being completed, while Bruce also weighs up making a bid for Manchester City's Craig Bellamy.

Swansea boss Brendan Rodgers celebrates play-off promotion; www.mirrorfootball.co.uk

Swansea City - Swansea have spent more than the other two promoted sides, bringing in experienced Premier League players Wayne Routledge and Leroy Lita, goalkeepers Jose Moreira and Michel Vorm, last-season's top Championship goalscorer Danny Graham, and young defender Steven Caulker on loan from Tottenham Hotspur. It will be interesting to see if Scott Sinclair can make the step-up from the Championship after he previously failed to make the grade at Chelsea.

Tottenham Hotspur - The biggest news so far for Spurs fans is that they've kept hold of Luka Modric despite interest from Chelsea, and Gareth Bale. Otherwise it has been an uncharacteristically quiet summer from wheeler-dealer 'Arry Redknapp, who will look to take advantage of Arsenal's apparent vulnerability and topple their neighbours. Brad Friedel will give the defence more confidence after having to play in front of Heurelho Gomes, who weakly brushes at high balls more than a Roman Catholic priest, for three seasons.

West Bromwich Albion - Roy Hodgson has made a catalogue of bargain buys as he looks to build on last season's 11th placed finish. Zoltan Gera has re-joined Hodgson on a free from Fulham, and utility player Billy Jones is also a good signing from Preston. Despite having five players bought in for nothing, with Shane Long looking set to join for a club record fee, more of the same from captain Chris Brunt and striker Peter Odemwingie will be the first aim at The Hawthorns.

Wigan Athletic - After miraculously escaping relegation last season, Wigan are expected to endure another season of struggle. Martinez has secured the services of goalkeeper Ali Al-Habsi from Bolton in a permanent deal, and has signed David Jones from Wolves, but the departure of Charles N'Zogbia to Aston Villa is a huge loss and something Martinez will be looking to address before the transfer window closes.

Roger Johnson (left) has a disagreement with former Wolves captain Karl Henry last season; www.skysports.com

From Twitter on 8th August 2011

   I went to watch the baseball for the second time on Thursday night: Toronto Blue Jays vs Baltimore Orioles at the Rogers Centre. It was a pretty bad game, nothing much of note. I was, however, pretty impressed with their beer dispensers. The video above (I didn't film it - it goes on forever) displays this wonderful invention.

   On purchasing a couple of beers, the barman quipped: "I bet you don't get these in England, eh!" - Canadians will be the first to tell you that they like to say "eh" a lot.

   No Mr Barman, you're quite right, all beer in England is served by Betty from Coronation Street. The contraption they use in England is a stiff and rusting pump which coughs out a warm brown liquid.

   But if I had to choose between an ice-cold Budweiser from a futuristic and impeccably clean dispenser even George Jetson would be impressed by, or a pint of 15°C (it may be warmer, depends how the cellar fan is working) Shropshire Lad which negotiates its through a scum-ridden pipe on its way to a glass that is older than me, well, the latter will always win.

   Budweiser is a beer for people who eat McDonald's Breakfast Burritos and wear t-shirts with Xbox games emblazoned across the front. Budweiser is the height of bad taste.

Tony Pulis celebrates during Stoke's emphatic 5-0 victory over Bolton in last season's FA Cup Semi Final; www.dailymail.co.uk

   This Thursday Stoke City welcome Croatian side Hajduk Split to the Britannia Stadium in the third qualifying leg of the Europa League. It's been a while since Stoke were in Europe: 1974/75 was their last campaign, when Stoke boss Tony Pulis was working his way through the youth system as a defender at Newport YMCA.

   It's a credit to the Welshman and his hard-working side that they are about to - much to the dismay of Arsene Wenger - compete in their fourth successive Premier League campaign and also treat their loyal following to a tour of Europe if they get past the Croats. They are famed for not playing the prettiest brand of football but who cares? Playing to their strengths has seen them surpass probably everyone's expectations.

   Pulis will be aware though that the Masters of the Sea - one of Split's nicknames - are no pushovers. Recent graduates from Stadion Poljud include Niko Kranjčar, Igor Tudor and Slaven Bilić, and they have the recent arrival of Bulgarian legend Krasimir Balakov as their manager.

   It's an early test for The Potters, but one they are expected to succeed in. Two seasons ago Fulham made it to the Europa League final, only to be edged out by Atletico Madrid. Have Stoke got what it takes to trump some big sides in this season's competition?

Huth, left, and Shawcross celebrate with Thomas Sorensen; www.mirrorfootball.co.uk

   Defensively Stoke City are tough. Captain Ryan Shawcross and Robert Huth are a strong central pairing and a headache for any Premier League strikeforce; as Mario Balotelli will testify after feeling the sharp end of Huth's elbow in the 2011 FA Cup Final. Pulis has strengthened his options further in defence with the acquisition of Jonathan Woodgate. If fit, Woodgate is one of the best English defenders around, and he has been signed on a pay-as-you-play deal so the risk for Stoke is minimal.

   The strikeforce at the Britannia Stadium is also focused on strength and physicality. Kenwyne Jones is a class act and a big lad, but he's lazy. Jonathan Walters took some time to settle, but ended up having an impressive season following his move from Ipswich Town. With Ricardo Fuller, the biggest of them all, you have incredible strength and some neat touches.

   The midfield, however, is where you'd expect Pulis to strengthen most with his impending signings. Matthew Etherington has been an important player for Stoke on the left, while Jermaine Pennant is clearly enjoying himself on the right. In the middle they are a bit lightweight. Dean Whitehead must possess the largest face in football - it really is enormous: think the lovechild of Sarah Jessica Parker and the Moon - and is an average midfielder. Glenn Whelan has a creative spark but has never really 'done it', and throw-in specialist Rory Delap may have clocked up 37 appearances in the Premier League last season, but is in the twilight of his career at 35.

Dean Whitehead; www.bbc.co.uk

   So which is the best bet with William Hill? Stoke to surprise some big teams and win the Europa League at 66/1? Or an over-stretched side fatigued from their European exertions drop out of the Premier League at 7/1?

Barton taking a corner at part-timers HVV Hollandia's 2,500 capacity ground on Thursday; www.nufc.co.uk

   Joey Barton is never far from controversy, so much so that it feels rather clichéd to say so. While his aggression has still remained in his football - a major attribute in his game - he has tried to curb his bad behaviour of it with the help of Tony Adams's Sporting Chance clinic - a charity which aims to eradicate addictions and aid recovery for sportsmen and women.

   It may be too early to judge whether the guidance of the clinic has changed Barton, but last season he managed to stay out of the media spotlight most of the time. Despite punching Blackburn's Morten Gamst Pedersen in the chest last November (admittedly a very bad offence), he kept out of trouble, clocking up 32 Premier League appearances and impressing in many.

   However, his previous misdemeanours, such as putting a cigar out in then-Manchester City youth teamer Jamie Tandy's eye (who, in hindsight, deserved it), starting a brawl at a City friendly at Doncaster Rovers, fighting with a 15 year old Everton supporter in Thailand, and, most of all, his charges of common assault and affray after an incident outside a McDonald's in Liverpool and the previous ABH charge on former teammate Ousmane Dabo, have returned to haunt him.

   Barton was refused entry to the USA because of his criminal record, so is instead a part of Peter Beardsley's Newcastle reserve side. So while Newcastle new boys Demba Ba, Sylvain Marveaux and Mehdi Abeid prepare in temperatures reaching the mid-thirties for their game in Florida against Orlando City, Joey Barton, along with another new signing in France international Yohan Cabaye who was refused entry to USA due to an unpaid dental bill, will line up with the youngsters and misfits of the second string on a soggy Dutch pitch against FC Utrecht's reserves.

   While you've got to feel a bit of sympathy for Cabaye being dopey with his bills, it is just that Barton is refused entry.

Yohan Cabaye: forgetful, but has a lovely set of teeth; www.sportsnet.ca

   Last night I went with three friends to Toronto FC's BMO Field for the first time. Here are my top five things from a thoroughly enjoyable evening, with a couple of my piss-poor attempts at photography included.

5. The football.

   I miss going to regular football back in the UK, so to see some infuriating missed headers from TFC's defence, wayward crosses from their wingers, and a lazy new striker for whom it seems everybody has got unnecessarily excited for, well, it was just like being back home. I'd say the standard is the equivalent of League One in England.

   A few nice touches from Toronto FC debutant Ryan Johnson and a steady performance from the experienced and unfit Torsten Frings - also playing in his first game - were the only signs of hope in a largely lacklustre performance by the Reds. They lost 1-0 courtesy of a fantastic goal by Dallas winger Brek Shea.

4. The queues.

   Half-times in British football can be a stressful affair: everybody wants a pie and pint. A struggle ensues, the men with bigger elbows or man-boobs get their overpriced kitty first, then, with everybody on equal footing, it's whoever can shout the loudest. You can't hang around until the queue dies down either - the bar closes when the second half begins.

   At the BMO Field there is a calm but quick queue for a beer, and the bar closes after 65 minutes of the game has elapsed. The queue for the treat that is the urinals (more on that later) was also a speedy affair, my hop-from-foot-to-foot desperate dance at the end of the game was short-lived, unfortunately for some.

3. The atmosphere.

   I have previously expressed my disappointment at the atmosphere at North American sporting venues on this blog. BMO Field, however, is pretty good. I was in the singing contingent that kept up an impressive level of decibels throughout the game and remained stood throughout.

   The 24th minute is always a noisy tribute to much-loved former player and now youth academy coach Danny Dichio. Dichio, who forged a successful career in English football before his move to TFC, scored the club's first ever goal in the 24th minute of a game against Chicago Fire in 2007.

   I was also particularly impressed by the goalkeeper baiting. Whilst the fans partake in the traditional "Woahhhhhhhh" preceding the kick, followed by the declaration of the opposition goalkeeper being poor or overweight, the TFC faithful charmingly accompany this with a repeated chant of "douchebag, douchebag, douchebag".

Kevin Hartman: a massive douchebag; www.theendline.com

2. 28oz beers

   Although they only serve Carlsberg at an astronomical price, you can't fault the cups. A pint is 568ml, or 20oz, and you can buy these. But why when you can look much more impressive with an extra 8oz? That is a whole 227ml, just under an extra half pint.

   They also put the excitable nature of North Americans into consideration too: your pint pot has a spillage-preventing lid on it. The lid has a hole - which also has its own mini-lid - big enough for a generous glug.

1. The urinals.

   Weeing is one of life's greatest pleasures - it's weird but it's a fact. I'm sorry female readers, but some men do showboat somewhat when they are having a wee. I admit that I'm a particularly big fan of the no-hands trick - a very easy skill but impressive-looking. And what about starting your damp, and then slowly stepping backwards, increasing the distance from todger to target as far as you dare? This is regularly followed by an odd legs-apart jog forward as the stream loses energy.

   Sometimes though, it is not socially acceptable to perform these talents when you are in a pub toilet surrounded by strangers.

   The powers-that-be in the land of toilets, however, have recognised that men yearn to maintain having a slash as a sporting event, even when surrounded by unfamiliar folk. Therefore, there has been a surge in urinal entertainment over the past ten years.

   I have urinated at urinals that have a TV showing sport above them, I have squeezed my lemon at glorified metal walls that make satisfying echoey drum-rolls and pepper bouncing piss back on your shoes, and I have siphoned the pyphon at dots in urinals that have been purposely painted due to it being the area which will provide the least splashback.

   The urinals at the BMO Field though had something very very special in them:

   On Friday Canada turned 144. What this means is lots of people paint their faces, fingernails and forearms in red and white and have a weekend of drinking Molson's. For an Englishman it makes a nice change to see people daubed in red and white and being vocal in their love for their country not being labelled as a hooligan and/or racist.

   Living in Toronto I couldn't help think that this year there was a conflict of interest: Canada Day also coincided with the climax of Pride Week - a celebration of homosexuality. Apparently it's unheard of for these two events to occur simulataneously.

   So on Friday, playing football and volleyball on Toronto's Woodbine Beach with four Frenchmen and a Brazilian, there was a bit of confusion about what we should be doing to mark 1st July.

   Down the road from the house I had moved in earlier that day is a venue called Lee's Palace. It is one of Toronto's chief music venues and has hosted the likes of Nirvana, Oasis and Red Hot Chili Peppers; it is also where I'm going to see The Horrors in September. The rest of the time it is a club venue which plays out indie rock to the local scenesters. On Friday though, to please both the patriotic and gays (or gaytriotic, if you like), it changed its schedule for the evening: it put on a male burlesque night under the name of "O Manada".

   At Ryerson University, they took on a more civilised idea: a meet and greet night. It had to be done naked though.

   Now, I'm sure this is fantastic for the gay community of Toronto and the visitors from outside of the city, but it isn't the kind of thing I'm known to get up to at the weekend.

   So what did I do to mark my first Canada Day? I went to Harbour Front to meet up with my friend Ahmed and his friend Steve who is a sports writer in Bermuda (rather unexotically from Walsall in England), watched a drunken blonde lady who used to be in the Black Eyed Peas (before they upgraded with Fergie) gyrate around a stage, and discussed the politics of Carribbean football. I felt so Canadian.