&#9775 Be yourself &#9775

Stormzy (2018) and Dave (2020) at the Brit Awards

Once upon a time you were the most beautiful thing in my life, you made me feel happy, you were my light, you made me feel like everything was just perfect without even trying. Now you’re just a painful fading memory, a ghost of my past. I don’t blame you for not feeling the same way about me or for being so cold and leaving me abandoned when I needed you the most. I try to convince myself that I hate you but how can I hate the only person I’ve loved so deeply? You were my first love and I’ll always care about you and love you even if you don’t. I don’t hate you for breaking my heart and giving me the most unbearable pain I’ve had to feel. I wish I did but I don’t, I could never hate you. It’s been close to 7 months since you walked out of my life without much of an explanation. The first few months were rough, I cried myself to sleep, wondered where I went wrong, started doubting myself, wondered why I wasn’t enough. I felt like I wouldn’t ever be able to make it through the pain that you caused me. Slowly I started to breathe a little easy. I wanted to do right by the advice you gave me the last time we spoke over call. I started to smile again, laugh a little more again, live outside my comfort zone, meet new people. See that’s the thing, even when you’re not there, your memories are always there to haunt me, even when I try to write a fresh chapter, one without you in it. I can’t deny the fact that you’ll always be a part of me no matter where I go or how old I become. You’ve helped me become the person I am today, both through the pain that you caused me and the advices that you gave. It still hurts knowing that I gave my all and it still didn’t work out. Maybe it would have had I done something differently or said it sooner, just maybe. We’re both in our 20s now and neither of us are the people we were as teenagers. I’m not the same girl I was when I fell in love with you and you’re no longer the same boy I fell in love with. 7 months later, I realised that I was holding onto the ghost of what you once were. I kept ripping myself apart for someone who’s not even there anymore. And even though you’re no longer the person I fell in love with, I’ll always continue to love you, even the darkest parts of you. Maybe we will meet each other again in a different city few years from now or in a different lifetime and maybe this time things won’t be so bad and just maybe this time, you won’t abandon me. Until then, I need to let you go as much as I don’t want to. I need to let you go so I can finally start living and so that I can be all that you made me believe I was capable of and maybe someday you’ll be the man I knew you were deep down.