i am here to live out loud

Book boy looked up, startled, then wary. “Sorry did I do something?” In one swift move, Sirius swiped the book from his hands, holding it high above his head. Well, that got book boy riled up. Sirius was grateful for his height, then, because he was able to hold the book just out of reach. “What was that for?” Book boy said, standing on his tiptoes in a feeble attempt to snatch the book back.

“You’re at a party and you’re reading a book,” Sirius stated, obviously.

“And I’d quite like to keep reading it, so if you’d - if you’d just -”

“Why’d you come?”

“Why do you care?” Book boy asked. Sirius blinked, impressed. He could hold his own more than expected. Sirius cocked his head, sizing him up.

“Because it’s my party and I wanna make sure all of my guests are having a good time,” Sirius said, making sure they both knew he didn’t mean it.

Book boy looked down and back up at Sirius, clearly making an effort to keep his cool. “Look, can you - can you just - ?” He started, but Sirius thrusted the book out of reach again, and that was enough to cause it to tumble out of his hands and onto the ground where the group of dancers that Sirius’ back was smushed against were. Almost like in slow motion, Sirius watched a foot of a dancer step on half of the book and tear the flimsy thing in two.

Book boy dove for it, holding the two useless halves in his hands, his mouth open in shock. Sirius made sure his face didn’t give up his guilt. Finally, he regained his senses.

“That’s a library copy!” His eyes flashed with anger. “I’ll have to pay!” Sirius groaned, digging into his wallet and pressing a fifty into book boy’s hand. “I don’t need this much.”

“Keep it. Might as well be a quarter to me.” This only seemed to anger book boy more, but he shoved it deep into his pocket, then pulled out a phone.

“I’m gonna call my roommate.”

“Who’s your roommate?” Sirius asked him, yelling over the loud music. And then, as if on cue, James - clearly drunk - sloppily slung his arm around Sirius’ neck. “Sirus! You’ve met my roommate, Remus!”

It wasn’t until an hour after that things really got started. “The dean’s coming!” Frantic shouts rippled through the crowd, and Sirius rolled his eyes taking another swig of beer. Within two minutes, the entire place was cleared. Dean Russell had recently made a rule about parties - his, in particular.

“Hey, Sirius, you coming?” James poked his head through the door. Sirius look around, letting out a low whistle. Red solo cups and crumpled beer cans littered the floor.

“Go,” he told James. James rolled his eyes, grinning.

“Your funeral, mate.” Sirius scooped up the discarded napkins and threw them into the trash can. He heard the door creak open.

“Well, Dean, you sure know how to kill a party.” He didn’t even turn around. He didn’t have to. He could imagine her, face beet red with frustration.

“My office, Mr. Black.”

“At two in the morning?”

“At two in the morning.”

“You can’t carry on like this. With any other student, they would’ve been long since expelled. But considering your parents’ generous donations,” Dean Russell trailed off, rubbing her forefingers into her temple, closing her eyes.

“So do it, then,” he said, daring her to finally pull the trigger and do the one thing that would piss his parents off most. But of course she wouldn’t. She never would.

“I don’t understand. I know you’re smart. Your entrance tests have proven that. And yet, you’re insistent on throwing it all away for a ‘good time,’” she sneered. It’s more than that, Sirius wanted to say, but he kept his mouth shut. “I was going to bring this up at our upcoming meeting that you were undoubtedly going to skip, but I assume you’re aware that you’re failing four classes?”

Sirius laughed, low and easy. “Wow, I didn’t realize it was that many. Good on me.”

“I’ve arranged you a tutor.”

“Do you honestly expect me to go?” “Yes. I do. Because if you don’t I’ll revoke your right to live off campus.” Instantly, the smile slid off Sirius’ face. “That would mean no more parties.”

“I know what it means,” Sirius said, sullenly. Dean Russell nodded and then sighed.

“Mr. Lupin, would you come in, please?” And then, oh, of course, just Sirius’ bloody luck, in walked book boy. He was different than he’d been at the party, all sulky and silent. Now he was smiling, warmly, reaching out to shake Dean Russell’s hand.

“Oh, perfect. Why does it have to be him?”

“Because,” Dean Russell said, icily, “he’s the only one who didn’t want to. And so, he’s the only one who can be trusted to take this seriously. It seems you are a very popular young gentleman, Mr. Black.” Sirius didn’t respond. She wasn’t messing around this time. “You’re to meet every night from nine to half past eleven. Non-negotiable.” Sirius’ jaw tightened. He gave a sharp nod.

“Sirius, is it?” Book boy again. “I’m Remus.” He extended his hand.

Now, Sirius couldn’t have known that this was the night everything would start. That this moment, right there and then, would solidify the path they were rapidly heading down, would set into motion everything that was to come. In the time following, Sirius would have days where he’d feel like he was flying, soaring high above his parents’ grasp, above everything trying to anchor him to them and then days when the sadness creeped into his heart so severely and unexpectedly that it left him paralyzed, struggling for air and grasping for him to pull him through. All of that was to come. But Sirius didn’t know it yet.

And though Remus was nothing but respectful in front of the Dean, and the smile didn’t slide off of his face for one moment, looking into his eyes, there was a glint of something at first unrecognizable to Sirius, something he hadn’t encountered for a long time. A challenge. Oh, Sirius thought, oh, this is going to be interesting.

Sirius almost didn’t show up. He wanted to call the Dean on her bluff - he hoped it was a bluff, he thought it was, but he couldn’t be sure. And besides, though Sirius was reluctant to admit it, there was something about book boy - Remus - that intrigued him. It had been so, so long since Sirius had been unsettled, challenged, pulled out of his boredom.

And the most infuriating, exciting bit was that Remus seemed to know this too. He didn’t flaunt it like Sirius tended to. But he had taunted Sirius in the Dean’s office the night before. This boy was something new. So, on a Wednesday night, Sirius found himself in the library, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

“Wasn’t sure you’d show. You’re late,” Remus said, without even looking up from his book. A new one from the party just two nights earlier. “It’s fine,” he said, closing the book and slipping it into his backpack, “we’ll just go ten minutes after.” Sirius wanted to protest, but lost his resolve when Remus had already started to move on. “So, you’re failing U.S. History, Anatomy, Philosophy and American Lit. Since we’re meeting every day, I figure we’ll use each week day for a review of each class, and Friday through Sunday can be review.”

Sirius shrugged. “Whatever you say, boss.”

“So, today is Philosophy. You bring your book with you?” Sirius just laughed and shook his head. Truth was, Philosophy was the only class he actually had thought he might enjoy taking. He’d read Aristotle’s Poetics for class in high school and liked it a great deal more than his friends had. And he thought that maybe he could get one worthwhile experience from this hellhole that accepted him only because his parents had donated.

It wasn’t long after when he decided it was going to be all or nothing, so he gave up on all his classes, and that meant all his classes. So, Philosophy had to be sacrificed. Remus laid the book down on the table. After listening for two minutes of him reading from it, Sirius stopped him.

“How much did she pay you?”

“What?”

“I can double it. Say we did what she wanted and we can all call it day. How does that sound?”

“What? No.”

“No?”

“Sirius, I take this seriously. You’re not the only person I tutor, okay? If I mess up with you I won’t be allowed to tutor anymore.”

“So?” Sirius asked. Remus’ face was turning red, now, and Sirius felt his pulse rushing with excitement.

“Some people actually need the money, Sirius, unlike you!” He stared at Sirius a moment longer, then looked down and away at his book. There was a tense moment of silence as Sirius collected his thoughts.

“I didn’t know, sorry.”

“It’s fine. I didn’t tell. Let’s just… get back to studying, alright?” Sirius nodded, confused for a moment by his sudden burst of guilt. “What do you know about Socrates?” Sirius shrugged again, already bored.

“I don’t know. Isn’t he the one who was ordered to be executed?” There was a pause as Remus studied him, so Sirius continued. “And then the executioner left the door intentionally open so he’d leave and never come back, but he took the poison anyway.”

“Yes. Based on your marks, I’m surprised you remembered that,” Remus said, running a hand through his hair. Sirius made a noncommittal hum, and tore his eyes away from him. “Well, anyway, Socrates said that self-knowledge can only come about through examining yourself in the mirror of self-consciousness.” Sirius tilted his head, scooting his chair closer to Remus so he could see the book better. He stared at the words for a bit, considering them, swallowing them, mouthing them to see how they would feel on his tongue. And when he looked back at Remus, he thought he saw the ghost of a smile. He pushed his chair away, further than it was before the session.

“Remus! Sirius! How goes it?” Behind him, Sirius could hear the unmistakable voice of James. He saw James flinch, mouthing an apology as the red-haired librarian shushed him. “Hitting the books, are we?” He turned to Sirius. “You’re lucky. This one pulled me through trig last semester.”

Remus spun around in his chair, facing James. “We’re a bit busy, you know,” he said, annoyed. Except he wasn’t, really. This was a look Sirius hadn’t seen on Remus yet. A certain type of fondness, amusement. He really did smile, then, a reluctant, close-lipped one, but a smile all the same.

“Right. Yes, of course. I just had to see it. My roommate and my best mate. Together at last. I’ve always thought you two would be good together!” “James…” “Oi! Potter. What about libraries don’t you understand?”

“Sorry, Evans, I’ll be out of your hair,” James laughed. She pointed a warning finger at him, and then smiled, seemingly losing her resolve. “Remus, keep better control of him for me?”

“Sure thing, boss,” Remus replied. Sirius studied them. He’d been friends with James since the first day, but he’d never really gotten close with anyone else. These three seemed like a proper friend group. Sirius hadn’t seen that in ages. Really, the closest he got was his parents’ monthly dinner parties, but there was always some layer of tension Sirius could never quite figure out.

Remus’ voice jolted Sirius back into the present. “Sirius, let’s get back to work, yeah? We’ve barely gotten anything done yet.”

“Alright, then, I get when I’m not wanted,” James said, faking a hurt expression while walking out. Sirius smiled. He was fond of James too.

“We should move on to your written assignments. I want you to read the third chapter for Friday, that way we can get more done,” Remus instructed him.

“Hang on, you’re my tutor? Shouldn’t you be guiding me through this?”

“Maybe.” Remus set his pencil down. “Maybe. But I think I’ve figured you out. Well, at least a little. Because you’re smart, Sirius. Really smart, maybe. Your problem is that you just don’t care. I can get you caught up, I can spell it out for you if I must, but I don’t think it’ll be of any use. The task, Sirius, isn’t teaching you the material. It’s making you want to learn.”

Sirius  sighed, adjusting his backpack so it was more secure on his shoulders. For whatever reason, he’d listened to Remus and brought his textbook. If he was going to have to do the sessions, he might as well make them as painless as possible. It had been one week, and little progress. He was starting to wonder what the bloody point was, and he was starting to convince himself that this was just Dean Russell’s way of torturing him.

Sirius pushed open the door to the library, scanning the tables, trying to remember where they sat the last time. And then he saw Remus, hunched over a book. Sirius checked his watch - half an hour early.

He walked over to the table and slapped his bag down with a loud bang, earning him a glare from Lily. Remus jumped, yanked abruptly out of his intentness, and then, upon seeing Sirius, relaxed.

“You’re early,” he said, smiling.

“Thought I’d get set up, I s’pose. Besides, Lily finds me ever-so-charming, and I’m sure she’d love to have some nice conversation, right, Evans?”

Lily laughed, rolling her eyes. “Stuff it, Sirius, I’m working.”

“Should we just get to work early, then?” Remus asked.

“I guess.” Sirius rested his chin on his hand, tilting his head to look at Remus more clearly. “Why were you here so early?”

“Studying.” “Studying?”

“I have class, too, y’know.” Remus laughed.

“Tell me, what are you planning on doing when you’re out of college and don’t have anything to study for? Twiddle your thumbs and stare at the wall all day? Take extensive course notes on nature documentaries?”

“If I don’t keep up my grades, I’ll lose my scholarship,” Remus pointed out. “I mean, not everyone’s parents can buy out half the school.”

Sirius’ insides ran cold. He was half-tempted to get up and leave. He clenched his jaw to keep from saying something he would regret. Why did people always have to do that? Assume Sirius was living pretty, that his parents were at his beck and call? Because he never asked for that! He never wanted that! They should try becoming their own person with a last name like Black following them around! Remus looked up at Sirius’ sudden silence, face softening.

“Sorry. I hit a nerve, didn’t I? I didn’t mean to imply-”

“It’s fine,” Sirius said, coolly, looking down at the weathered cover of his textbook. A used copy he’d insisted on paying for himself. “Because you’re above me, right? You’re smart, and I’m not, so you get to hate me and feel okay about it because I’m just not as good as you.”

Remus shook his head, pausing for a long time before saying anything. It had gotten so tense so quickly and Sirius could feel the tension encircling them like a shark. “I don’t hate you, Sirius.” Remus started making lopsided circles on his worksheet with his pencil, avoiding Sirius’ gaze. “It’s just - don’t you know how lucky you are? You’re smart, Sirius. Any idiot who talks to you for more than five minutes - when you’re sober, mind you - can tell that. But you take it for granted. You don’t even use that incredible mind you’ve got for anything beyond planning your next party. And it’s hard to watch someone throw away the same thing I’ve been working for all my life.”

They were silent for a moment. Sirius didn’t quite want to apologize, because he hadn’t done anything wrong, he hadn’t. But still, there was the nagging feeling that he owed it to Remus to say he was sorry. But he was still a little bit angry and more than a little confused.  Remus sighed flipping to another page in his book. After a moment of hesitation, he looked up at Sirius.

“It’s just… it’s hard, you know? Never mind. I shouldn’t have said anything about your parents. I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay,” Sirius found himself saying, “I never said anything. You couldn’t have known.” Remus nodded, slowly, then looked back down at his textbook. Sirius was puzzled with himself. He had never been so forgiving, not about his family. And yet, without even thinking about it, he let Remus off the hook. He’d even let Remus challenge him, fight back.

One week, and already Sirius was treating Remus differently than even James. One week. Well, Sirius thought, better hurry up and make some progress. Who knows where we’ll be in a month if we had the time?

Week two. Day fourteen. How was it possible Sirius was still going at it? Even the Dean seemed surprised at his check-in. The only one who didn’t seem shocked was Remus, apparently that confident in his tutoring abilities. Still, Thursdays proved to be Sirius’ favorite days. Despite his resistance, he was actually taking a liking to philosophy.

“I suppose we ought to get started on your thesis. You’ll be covering this question: ‘What is it to live a happy life?’” Remus explained to Sirius.

“Well, that’s rather boring, isn’t it?”

“Boring? It’s practically the eternal question of humanity.”

“Right, well, tell me which philosopher to research for this one.”

“Can’t. That’s the tricky bit. Answers vary drastically from philosopher to philosopher. Aristippus thinks it’s found in the pursuit of pleasure.”

“Yeah? Well, that’s pretty indisputable, don’t you reckon?” Sirius looked at Remus, waiting for a response.

“You think so?”

“Well, isn’t that what everyone says? You should do what makes you happy.”

“Sure, yeah, but isn’t it sort of rewarding to work for something, to try for something? Maybe it’s hard, maybe it’s not always fun, but at the end, doesn’t it make life worth it? If you only exist to please yourself, then wouldn’t that life be… I don’t know…. empty?”

“Mm.” Sirius hummed, noncommittally. “What do you reckon is better?”

“Life of virtue, maybe. Life of duty.”

“Yeah? Who said that, then?”

“Aristotle had some things to say.” Remus paused for a moment, then laughed. “I don’t know. You might have to ignore me on this one.”

“Ignore you?” Sirius looked at Remus, confused. “You’re my tutor.”

“Right. But I can’t teach you what it is to lead a happy life. I can’t teach you how to be happy. You have to make up your mind on it. I’m fairly certain I’m no wiser than Aristippus. So if a life of pleasure calls to you, then you should write on it.”

“I guess. I don’t know.” Sirius paused, looking at Remus. I can’t teach you how to be happy, he’d said. And like an uncharacteristically cold gust of wind on a warm sunny day, without any warning, a thought sprang up in Sirius’ head, only for a second: Couldn’t he?

He felt his spine stiffen, and he chased the thought away, trying to erase the fact that the thought had ever been there. He had no reason to believe him and Remus would be… anything to each other once this whole tutoring thing ended. No reason at all. And why would he think this boy, this annoying, boring prat of a boy could make him happy if no one else, nothing else, ever had?

“Ah, shoot, I gotta run, I’m taking a late shift tonight. Pick this up tomorrow?” Remus was already packing up, and Sirius only vaguely heard him. He nodded, taking a glimpse at Remus and looking quickly away.

It was a long time before he finally put his books back into his bag and left the table.

It was a Wednesday night when everything changed. Sirius had woken up early for a morning class - which he had actually started to attend, god knows why.  He wasn’t even failing that one. And that was when Remus called.

What a prat, Sirius thought, reaching for his phone, calling so early in the morning. “Hello?”

“Hey, Sirius, uh, it’s Remus. So, I don’t… um, I don’t know I’ll be able to make it tonight.”

Sirius sat upright. “Really? Why not?”

“Something came up.” “What’s that, then?”

“I’ve had to pick up another shift at work. Only for tonight. I’ve just been really strapped for cash lately.”

“Oh.” Sirius could practically hear Remus scratching that spot behind his ear, something he always did when he was trying to figure something out.

“So…”

“Anything else, Remus?”

“No. No, I just…”

“Oh. You need my permission. Well, sure. Dean Russell never has to know,” Sirius said, shifting the phone to his other ear.

“One more thing, Sirius,” Remus said and Sirius rolled his eyes.

“What?”

“No parties.”

“Seriously? What’s the use of getting you out of my hair for the night, then?”

“I mean it. I’ll be in huge trouble. I’m trusting you tonight. Don’t let me down, okay?”

Sirius paused, and then nodded, even though he knew Remus couldn’t see him. “I won’t.”

The rest of the day should have gone normally. Sirius had it all mapped out. Go to his other class, grab something to eat, and maybe even study on his own for a change. What could he say? He was a creature of habit. If he hadn’t spoken to Peter, who knows when the change would have come, if it would have come at all. But he did speak to Peter, and so it came, rumbling around the corner like a summer drizzle, the kind where you don’t realize how soaking wet you are until you go inside and you’re dripping all over the carpet.

He was just heading back towards his motorcycle after spending an hour at the library while Peter walked alongside him. Sirius liked Peter. He was friendly, he was kind - a bit of a suck-up - but a good friend. They’d been closer in freshman year - they were roommates. But when Sirius got his apartment to himself, Peter started drifting away - different classes, different living spaces, different friends and eventually, different lives. But they still spoke with each other from time to time.

“Hey, Sirius, you know that bloke you were complaining about? The really annoying tutor you got?” Peter asked him, struggling to keep up. Sirius’ legs were much longer than his.

Sirius felt a twinge of guilt run through him. He remembered, but things felt different now. Was Remus still annoying? Sure, but in a different way. But he didn’t say that to Peter, he merely shrugged.

“Well, you know that bike he’s always riding around everywhere?” Peter asked. Again, Sirius shrugged, but he knew the one. “Well, I paid Snape twenty bucks to nick it and sell it off to some random.”

Sirius stopped cold in his tracks, then whirled around to face Peter. “What the hell did you do that for?” Peter’s eyes grew as big as saucers, and Sirius noticed he was looming over Peter. Good, he thought. He should be scared. “Do you know how much money bikes cost?”

Peter blinked, rapidly. “Well, that was kind of the point, I mean -”

“Honestly, what were you thinking?”

“I thought you didn’t like him!” Peter cried. Sirius was standing so close to him that Peter was almost cowering. He gripped the fabric of Peter’s shirt. Peter’s eyes shifted nervously, looking everywhere but at Sirius.

“You can dislike someone without being an asshole.” He shoved Peter away and turned, walking quicker now. Remus’ shift would be over in half an hour.

“I’m sorry, mate!” Peter yelled from behind him, but Sirius didn’t break his stride. He walked for about two more minutes until finally he hopped on his motorcycle and drove to the first place he knew Snape would be: Lantern Lane.

Now, there’s no telling what happened when Sirius got there. No one could explain except for Sirius and Snape, and even years later they would not tell and Remus still would not know. It was just a bike. That was right, wasn’t it? It was just a bike. Except, Sirius knew Remus and he knew that the bike was his lifeline. James had told him how proud Remus was, because he’d saved up and bought himself a nice one, even though it was every extra bit of money he’d had left over that wasn’t going towards his tuition. Sirius knew Remus rode it everywhere, that he didn’t have a car or a bus pass or anything, just that blue bike.

So, when Severus didn’t give the bike back easily, things went a little awry. Words were exchanged, punches were thrown, until finally. threats were made. And only then, did Snape cave. He knew Sirius was more powerful than him, he knew he had more pull, and yet, withholding something Sirius Black wanted gave Snape a rush - but a short-lived one.

It was an hour and a half after speaking with Peter that the whole ordeal was done. Remus hadn’t known what to think. He found his bike lock cut and his bike gone. He could have walked, or called James, but it was his bike. He’d had it for two years and he used it every day. It was probably the only thing he owned that was worth anything that he had paid for. And somebody took it.

So he sat on the curb with his head in his hands. He felt the night sky press against his closed eyelids and he could hear the full moon. He could actually hear it, whistling to him, and the wind was flowing in and out of the craters, like wind chimes. And though he was upset and embarrassed, there was something peaceful about it, too. He stayed like that for a long time, until he heard the shuffling of footsteps coming near him and the rustling of bike tires on dirt road.

He looked up. There was Sirius with a dark purple ring of bruises starting to form around his left eye and a steady stream of blood dripping from his nose and onto his shirt, staining it a dark brown. His jaw was set - at first glance, it seemed as though it was set in pain, but closer, it looked to be set in some bizarre determined air. And his hands, though his knuckles were purple, were clutching the handlebars of Remus’ bike. Sirius stopped directly in front of Remus, their feet almost touching. Sirius thrusted the bike forward into Remus’ hands.

“I got you your bike back,” he said. And then he gave a sort of half-shrug, and walked back into shadow, as if he was dissolving into the darkness.

Remus sat there a few moments more, curiously staring off into the space just past the tinny light of the street lamp, where Sirius had walked off. And it was that precise moment, when Remus put two and two together, that the change happened. Neither Sirius nor Remus realized it, not then, and not for a long time after, but from that moment forward, nothing was the same.

There was a kind of nervousness playing at Remus when he went in for their session the next day. Remus was a nervous guy, but it had been a long time since he’d felt nervous around Sirius. He got there a little but early, sat at the table and fidgeted for a bit.

He heard Sirius before he saw him. “James, can’t you leave it?” Remus could hear the smile in his voice.

“I’m just trying to piece it together, though. I mean, you’re bleeding and you don’t even call me, you call my girlfriend - I mean, my friend who happens to be, er, female-”

“Look, story for another time, mate. I’ve got studying to do.” He heard James give a disbelieving sigh, and felt Sirius slide into the chair next to him. Finally, Remus looked at him.

He didn’t look good. His left eye was sort of swollen and had turned a blueish-purple color, and his knuckles were bruised. There was a little ring of red scratches and cuts on his right cheek. Remus was at a loss for words. “Take a picture, mate,” Sirius said, though it lacked his usual gusto, and Remus forced himself to look away. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sirius turning red, and he hoped it wasn’t because he was embarrassed. After what he’d done the night before, the last thing he should have been was embarrassed.

“So,” Sirius started. “James and Lily really think we don’t know they’re dating?” Remus felt himself laugh.

“Frankly, I’m surprised Lily’s managed to get James to keep it to himself for this long,” he said, and just like that, things shifted, and it was easy again. Though, it still wasn’t quite the same. Remus didn’t know why that was. All he knew was that no one had ever done something like what Sirius had for him before.

“So, boss, what’s on deck for today?” Sirius said, opening his book without prompting.

“What makes good good?”

“Ah, a hard-hitter today, then?”

“You could say. George Moore said that ‘good’ as a concept can’t be explained, just as you can’t explain the color yellow. That we all have some innate sense of what is right and what is wrong.” Remus paused.

“Well, that’s a bit of a cop-out, isn’t it?” Sirius said. Remus raised an eyebrow in question. “Well, it doesn’t explain where this feeling of ‘good’ comes from. And is it the same for all people? He doesn’t say.”

Remus looked at Sirius for a moment, considering this. “Huh. I never thought of that.”

“I guess George Moore didn’t either.”

“You know, you’ve got a real knack for this, Sirius.”

“Comes from having a good tutor.”

“I don’t think that’s it.” Remus could feel Sirius’ eyes on him, so he gave a little shrug. “You’re better at this than me.”

“Oh, c’mon-”

“No, really, I can quote these guys, but you understand what they’re saying.”

“What, and you don’t?”

“Not like you.”

There was a long silence. “Yeah, whatever,” Sirius said, finally, but Remus could see the ghost of a smile playing at his lips.

When Remus called Sirius the next morning, Sirius was sure he was going to cancel again. Remus rarely called or texted and if he did, it was really only about their sessions. That’s why Sirius was so surprised when Remus invited him for coffee. Not as his tutor, or his closest pal’s roommate, but as friends. Sirius almost surprised himself by saying yes.

“It’s weird, seeing you before noon,” Sirius said when he walked in. Some irrational part of him thought maybe Remus wouldn’t even be there, that he’d dreamed the whole phone call up.

“Yeah, well,” Remus laughed.

“No, really. I mean, before the whole tutoring thing, I’d never even seen you before dark. I used to think you were nocturnal.”

“That’s probably because I only really went out when James dragged me, and the only time he could tear me away was night time.”

“Well, you’re out now, aren’t you?”

“That’s true,” Remus said, smiling, and they lapsed into a comfortable silence. Sirius looked around for a bit. He’d rarely gone into the coffee shop closest to campus. He hadn’t been much of a coffee drinker, anyway. If he needed a boost, he’d just drink a redbull. It was a nice place. The lights were dim, because most of the light came from the several windows around the shop. A soft yellow fell on everything. The walls were painted a warm orange color except for the one on the far left, which was a mural undoubtedly painted by an art major. It really was a pleasant place.

“So, do you come here a lot?” Sirius asked Remus, then inwardly cringed at how awkward he sounded, but Remus didn’t seem to notice.

“Yeah, between classes. It’s a nice place to study.” There was another silence. “You know, there’s a lot we don’t know about each other.” Sirius waited for Remus to go on, but when he didn’t, Sirius nodded.

“Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

“You told me, way back at the beginning, that I didn’t like you. And I told you it wasn’t true. But I think I lied, even if I didn’t realize. I’d been writing you off for so long and…”

“And you’re not anymore?” Sirius finished, hoping that’s what Remus was about to say.

“No, I don’t think I am. And I don’t think you are to me, either.”

“So, what’s the point, then?” Sirius said, not unkindly, but a bit confused.

“I want us to be friends. What you did with the bike-”

“Really, don’t mention it.”

“No, I’m gonna mention it. You didn’t have to do that.” Remus said, and for once, Sirius didn’t say anything or look away. He looked at Remus and he let Remus look at him and he finally let himself accept what it meant. He cared about Remus, more than he thought he could. Remus looked away and took a long sip of his coffee, but Sirius let his gaze linger on him.

The sunlight filtering through the window had turned him golden and there was a misplaced strand of hair that Sirius wanted to tuck back into place. There were little freckles on Remus’ nose that Sirius had never noticed before. His eyes were green. Funny, Sirius had always thought they were blue. After what seemed like a lifetime of staring, Remus turned back to Sirius.

“So, friends?” Sirius nodded, slowly.

“Yeah, okay. Friends.”

“Seriously, Remus, how much can you eat?” Sirius was sitting across Remus watching Remus shove half a burger in his mouth.

“I’m hungry,” he replied, mouth still full, and Sirius laughed, wrinkling his nose in fond disgust.

“I didn’t peg you as a meat-lover.”

“You thought wrong, then,” Remus said. “Okay, I can’t believe you just introduced me to this place now. We have to come here more often.” He was still transfixed with his burger. Sirius grinned, leaning his head on his hands and watching Remus. He should take Remus out to eat more often.

“You’re kidding. You own one pair of pants? How do you manage?” Remus looked at Sirius with disbelief and Sirius held his hands up in surrender.

“I do a lot of laundry?”

“That’s it, we’re going shopping.”

“What do you dream about, Sirius?” Remus looked at him, then away. Sirius leaned back on his couch and stared up at the ceiling. He’d forgotten he’d taped a bunch of photos there. James featured in a lot of them, but there were a lot of candids of students he’d only seen around a few times. He still remembered the day he’d made James hold the ladder as he put them up. It had been a while since Sirius had taken pictures, but he was starting to think of how good Remus would look up there.

“I don’t know. I haven’t dreamed for a few years now.”

“Everyone has dreams.”

“I don’t know, I don’t remember mine.” That was only half a lie. He didn’t exactly remember his dreams, but there were flashes of a face pressed to his eyelids when he woke up - well, he wasn’t going to tell Remus that.

“That’s sad.”

“I guess.” He paused and pushed himself onto his elbows, looking at Remus. “Do you dream?”

“Every night. I even keep a dream journal.”

“Oh, of course you do. Of course you do.” Sirius laughed, and Remus joined it, and for no reason at all, soon they couldn’t stop. It was the kind of contagious belly-ache laughter that Sirius hadn’t gotten since he was a kid.

Well, he was learning that he wasn’t half as grown up as he’d thought he was, anyway. He was pretty much still a kid, and weirdly enough, he wasn’t as upset at that revelation as he would’ve been a few months ago.

“I want you to try to go out for drinks and enjoy yourself, and if The Clash comes on, you’re going to dance to it, alright?”

“I don’t know, Sirius. I never really learned how to dance. Though, my Dad did teach me how to slow dance when I was little, but I don’t think that’s really the kind of dancing that-”

“Oh, you can definitely slow dance to The Clash.”

“How?”

“We’ll figure it out. Get your coat.”

“Remus?”

“Sirius?”

“No, no, don’t turn the light on.”

“Alright.”

“I just wanted to say thanks, in general, I guess. I never really - My parents, well they never-”

“You don’t have to, Sirius. I mean, if you don’t want to.”

“No, I do want to. If I have to talk to someone, I guess I’d want it to be you.”

“Oh. Okay… I want it to be me, too.”

“Good. Because it’s not all pretty.”

“That’s okay. I’m not so pretty either.”

“That’s okay, too.”

“Good… Sirius?”

“Remus?”

“Say something. It’s dark, and I’m tired, and I want you to talk to me.”

Remus set his jacket down on the table. Sirius had been leaving the door unlocked, lately. He barely looked up from his books when Remus walked in. “Need a place to crash?”

“To study. James is snoring again and - hey, are those textbooks I see? I guess I rubbed off on you more than I thought.” Sirius raised an eyebrow, and let his gaze linger just a moment too long on Remus’ fond smirk.

“Don’t get cocky.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna grab something to eat, that alright?”

“Help yourself.” He heard Remus rummaging around in the kitchen. He always seemed able to make do with Sirius’ limited ingredients. Sirius was happen with dry cereal, but Remus loved cooking. Over the past few weeks, Sirius had learned a lot about Remus.

“Hey, Remus? James just texted. He’s on his way over with Lily. Sorry.”

“Oh, just my luck.” Remus laughed and Sirius could feel it rumble in his own chest, even from the kitchen. “Well, the more the merrier, I guess. And I better get some studying done before it’s too late.”

“Yeah, like you need it.” Sirius found himself smiling, in spite of himself. And after a little while, he was trouble keeping his eyes open, so he stopped resisting. He let himself drift off, face down on his philosophy textbook, to the sound of Remus humming Should I Stay or Should I Go.

When he woke up, the world was on fire.

The first thing Sirius could even comprehend was the smoke. There was too much smoke, and he almost rolled off the couch coughing, but he wobbily pushed himself to his feet, covering his mouth with his shirt like he was taught to. Stay calm and find the nearest exit. The rules for a fire drill were starting to echo in his head.

The alarms weren’t going off. He would have woken up if the alarms went off. Something was very, very wrong. And then, it was hot, so hot he felt like the flames must have been licking right at his back, but they weren’t. And then everything flew into clarity and his first thought went to Remus. Remus. Sirius didn’t know how long he’d slept. Remus could’ve gone home hours ago. But he still called his name, risking breathing smoke in. No response.

The smoke was thick but not too thick that he couldn’t see, and though his body was screaming at him to get out he ran through the apartment, just in case. Just when he thought Remus had already gone, he found him in his bedroom, at Sirius’ desk, slumped over a textbook. He must have fallen asleep. How late was it? Sirius thought. He pushed it out of his mind. He had bigger things to worry about. He ran to Remus and shook him violently, because it was getting hotter. Sirius could feel sweat forming at the nape of his neck.

Remus didn’t move. Sirius’ insides constricted with terror. He shook him harder. Nothing. The last of Sirius’ breath seemed to run out, and then his breath seemed to come back in full force just a moment later, quick, too quick. Sirius scolded himself, slipping Remus’ arm over his shoulders so he could carry him out. Panicking was for later. The smoke was stinging his eyes, but he managed to get them to the door. He flung it open. The hall was full of people, but it was better than his apartment, and Sirius took a small but refreshing gasp of air. The smoke was less thick, but not much better, and the heat was worse.

Remus gave a few loose coughs and Sirius felt more relief than he had thought was possible. He shifted Remus, whose closed eyes had started twitching. After what seemed like an eternity of time, they opened, but Sirius could tell he wasn’t quite with it yet. And then his body was wracked with violent coughs, but no one was paying Remus attention.

Sirius grabbed Remus tighter, still supporting most of his weight, and pulled him through the crowds. He pulled him through the second floor. By the time they reached the fire escape, Remus was much more alert, though still coughing, and Sirius knew his own lungs couldn’t hold out too much longer. And though the smoke wasn’t too much better, being so close to the building, he wanted to cry out of relief for the fresh air. Together, they half-stumbled down the stairs and then tumbled to the ground, hands and knees, panting. The sweet-tasting air filled Sirius’ lungs, but Remus was still coughing and wheezing.

After only a moment, Sirius pushed himself to his feet and looked around. Whoever hadn’t been running with he and Remus had already made it out. Sirius dragged Remus to his feet and got him farther from the building.

“Sirius…” Remus rasped out.

“Stop, just catch your breath,” Sirius said, surprised to hear how hoarse his own voice sounded. And then someone came barrelling into him, almost taking him to the ground. He pulled back. It was Marlene McKinnon, who lived just down the hall. She had Anatomy with him, her and Lily were close. He hadn’t even thought. He pulled away from her, and saw she was crying. “Stop, it’s okay, we’re out, Marlene.”

“No. James and Lily are still in there,” she squeaked out. “I can’t - they’re -”

He didn’t wait to hear what she was going to say. He didn’t pause to make a choice; there wasn’t a choice to make. He was going back inside, even though he felt clammy at the thought of the smoke-filled hall that must be even worse, even after only a few minutes. Sirius felt a feeble hand on his arm.

“Please,” Remus whispered, catching him halfway to the fire escape. “Don’t go back in there.” He was pale, and his eyes were wide as dinner plates, and even though Sirius wanted nothing more than to stay with him, he held out his hand.

“Stay put. I’ll be back before you know it.” Remus’ face contorted with a mixture of what looked like terror and anger, but when he looked up at Sirius there was tears in his eyes. “I’ll be back, Remus, okay?” And then Sirius ripped his arm away - there wasn’t much time. Taking one final breath, Sirius tore up the fire escape quick as he could. The heat was near unbearable, and instantly, Sirius dropped to his stomach. Easier to avoid the smoke when you’re low to the ground. He had no clue where he’d heard that, but he hoped it was true.

He also didn’t know where to look for James and Lily, and it was only now occurring to him that it may be a problem. It was no longer just smoke. Flames were almost surrounding him. He made it to the hallway, and oh thank god. There was a loud banging coming from just a ways down the hall. He crawled there, holding his breath, and finally, he found the source - he stopped outside the storage closet, the one that locked from the outside. They must have been inside and the door was pushed closed.

“James?” Sirius tried to call, but his voice was too weak. “James?” He tried, and, though wobbly, his voice was loud enough to make the banging stop.

“Sirius?” He could just barely make out James’ voice, and in spite of himself, he felt tears of relief spring up in his eyes. The handle was blazing hot, but Sirius didn’t care. He unlocked it and ripped the door open, spotting James and Lily nestled on the ground. James’ large jacket was covering both their faces, and Lily was leaning against James, dazed-looking. James’ eyes were wide with fear. “She’s been in and out.”

“C’mon,” Sirius said, pushing himself to his feet, though he knew it was dumb, and extending a hand to James. “Fire escape.”

But as soon as he turned around, he saw the flames licking at the door he’d entered from. There was no way to the fire escape. There was no way out. Everything was orange-looking, and white-hot, and painful, but if they could just get out. Remus was down there waiting for him. He’d promised he’d come back - and just like that, Sirius found his second wind.

“Stairwell!”

“That’s dangerous!” Lily said, and Sirius bit back a smile. She might be dazed, but she was still Lily.

“Hate to break it to you, love, but this whole place is a death trap. And we don’t exactly have other options.” He pushed the door open and held it open for James and Lily. Now that Lily was on her feet, she seemed far more alert. Maybe she’d found her second wind, too. He bustled them ahead of him, making sure he could see them. And then, he started to head down them, too.

He heard the fire ripping the stairs apart before he felt it, and he felt it before he saw it. As soon as his foot hit the fifth step, the stairs gave way. Sirius’ foot lurched beneath him, and instantly the pain was nearly unbearable. He felt hot blood rushing down his leg, staining his sock. He heard himself howling in pain, almost unearthly sounding, but could barely register that it was coming from him. The only thing in the whole world that existed was the pain. No Remus, no fire, no James, no Lily, no Sirius, no college, no parents, only his throbbing leg, pulsing with pain so strong it felt like it was tearing his entire skin open.

He was only brought back to his senses when James and Lily pulled him out and the pain was even worse, worse than Sirius thought possible to feel. And, oh god, Sirius really didn’t think his leg was meant to be bent that way. He held his hand in front of him and he really didn’t think skin was meant to look so deathly white. His entire leg was stained with red. That was his blood? No, blood didn’t exist, only pain existed. Only the pain.

He didn’t even notice James and Lily carrying him, but he felt his fingers digging into their skin. “Sirius!” James was shouting now. “Sirius, say something!” He felt like he might throw up. The fire was all around them now, and James wasn’t shouting anything anymore. They were working steadily towards the exit, but the potted plant in front had been lit on fire. How long had they been in there? An eternity, it seemed. Nothing existed before his leg fell through, and nothing would exist after, only the pain, the pain was going to last forever. He wanted it to go away.

He saw a flash of the trees blowing, and the full moon lit behind them - and anticipating the outside, the blessed cool of the wind, and Remus - oh yes, Remus existed again - he took a huge gulp of air, only to find smoke filling his lungs. And whether it was the smoke, the panic, the blood loss, or the pain, Sirius didn’t know, for only a second after his world smashed to black.

Sirius must have drank a ton last night, judging by the massive headache he was having while waking up. He’d never had one so bad before. He opened his eyes a sliver, and the light was so bright and blaring he squeezed them shut again, letting out an instinctual groan. Why were the curtains open? Remus must have been over. He likes to wake up to sunlight, and thinks Sirius ought to also. He let out an instinctual groan and instantly there was a hand on his arm.

And then, like a button was pressed, all the pain came rushing back into his leg, which felt stiff and swollen, and with the pain came the memory. The smoke. Remus, who wouldn’t wake up. The fire escape. The cool relief of air. James and Lily, trapped. The stairway. The pain - and then - Sirius came up blank. That was where his memories stopped. Well, from the amount of pain he was in, he wasn’t dead, and he definitely wasn’t in his apartment, so he must have been in… Sirius opened his eyes. He forced them to stay open, even though it felt like someone was beating on the inside of his skull with a wooden bat.

The hospital. Right, that made sense. He felt a chair shift closer to his bed. Oh, yes, the hand on his arm. Which belonged to Remus. Who looked frightful. His tall, lanky form looked uncomfortable in the chair, and his eyes were red-rimmed, and wide - just like the last time Sirius saw him, when Remus grabbed his arm and begged him to stay. His hair was messy as James’ usually was, which was surprising for Remus, and he was gripping Sirius’ arm so hard, it almost hurt, but Sirius didn’t say anything. And god, for a second, he looked so scared, that Sirius felt fear spooling in the pit of his own stomach.

Remus shook his head, and Sirius felt his heart start to slam up against his ribcage. “James? Lily?”

Finally, Remus seemed to relax and he sank back against the chair. “They’re fine. Both of them. Lily’s being treated for smoke inhalation. James and I were, too, but she got the worst of it.”

“Thank god.” He paused. For a long time, things felt uncomfortable between the two of them. Remus looked down. “So if we’re all fine, why do you look like that?. I mean, who died?” Sirius said, in a weak attempt to joke. Remus looked at him with a humorless smile.

“You, almost.”

“Oh, right. Well, said I’d be back, didn’t I?” Remus said nothing. “C’mon. It’s a little harder to get rid of me.”

“Stop, Sirius. Just… stop,” Remus said, sharply. He still didn’t meet Sirius’ eye.

“...Okay.”

“It’s just - I told you not to go back in. I mean, all three of you could have - when they carried you out and you weren’t moving and you were - you were covered in blood, Sirius, and you didn’t wake up and I thought - I told you not to go back in.” Remus said, and Sirius laughed, just a little, quiet laugh, but it was enough to make Remus finally look at him.

“Alright. Next time, I’ll leave our closest friends to die.” And it was as easy as that: even though it made his head hurt, Sirius found himself laughing harder, and soon Remus joined in, and both of them were laughing that laughter that hurt, that would start to die down until they looked at each other, and they’d start in again. Finally, they quieted, and Remus’ eyes filled.

“I’m glad you’re not dead.”

“For the record, I’m pretty glad, too.” Sirius smiled. His eyes were drawn to his leg, then, to the bulky white cast on his leg. “So… what’s the verdict? On the leg?” Instantly, Remus’ expression sobered and Sirius steeled himself for bad news.

“It’s not good.”

“By your expression, I gathered that.”

“It’ll heal. That’s the good news. But… you’re gonna have to learn how to walk again.” Sirius waited for the blow from that news to sink in, to hit him like a punch to the gut, to sink like a stone to the bottom of his stomach, but it barely registered. He knew it would come later, then, but he was grateful for a temporary reprieve of pain. Sirius figured that he’d had enough punishment for the day. Remus was prattling on about physical therapy and success rates, but Sirius wasn’t listening. He just sank further into the bed and listened to the rise and fall of Remus’ voice, a small miracle in the midst of the chaos.

It was then the door creaked open, just a crack. and a long hand reached through it, waving a bouquet of flowers. Sirius laughed. He was starting to think he would just have to get used to the headache. James walked in with Lily, who was looking far rosier than she had in the hallway. There were dark circles under James’ eyes. He worried a lot, despite how much he acted like he didn’t, and Sirius knew the day must have been particularly trying, but the wide smile on his face more than made up for the baggy eyes.

“Hey, mate, you’re awake!”

“Oh, am I? Didn’t notice.”

“Very funny, Sirius,” Lily said, grabbing the flowers from James’ hands and setting it on the stand beside Sirius’ bed. “I’ll give you these before he drops them. Again.”

James stepped closer to Sirius and lingered awkwardly a minute. “Sirius, we want to say -”

“Hey, don’t worry. You would have done the same and you know it.”

“Yes,” James said, casting a look at Lily. “Yes, but we should still say it. Thank you.” Lily walked up to the other side of Sirius’ bed and gave him a peck on the cheek, thanking him, too. As much as Sirius loved his friends, the whole thing was starting to make him vaguely uncomfortable. He cleared his throat.

“So, you all thought I was a goner for a sec, huh?” he asked. James knit his brow.

“What? Nah. You scared the living daylights out of us, but we knew you weren’t going to die.”

“Oh, yeah? The way Remus had been acting, I’d guessed you had to rip my heart from my chest and squeeze life back into it,” Sirius joked, sneaking a glimpse at Remus who was still sitting in the chair to make sure he wasn’t upset still, and thankfully, he saw a small smile playing at the corners of his lips.

“Right, well the way he acted when we brought you out, that might as well have been what happened.” James gave Remus a gentle sock to the arm.

“Alright, let’s just - “ Remus finally got to his feet. “We’re all alive, aren’t we? That almost didn’t happen. Let’s just…” He trailed off. He didn’t need to finish the sentence. They all knew what he was thinking. At least Sirius did.

There were lots of things that made Sirius love being alive. Soggy ice cream sandwiches, the dean’s red face after catching him again, his favorite (and only) pair of black jeans, the smell of the coffee shop Remus and him went to, The Clash. But he’d never felt happier to be alive than laying in that hospital bed looking at the tired, beaming faces surrounding him and feeling an involuntary grin on his own face.

It was nice not being in the hospital, Sirius knew that, but it wasn’t as nice having nowhere to go. Miraculously, most of his apartment was intact. The smoke was terrible, but the fire hadn’t reached his floor yet when the firefighters got there.

But there was no question about it: his apartment was uninhabitable. And so, Sirius had to move back into the dorms. “Only temporarily,” Dean Russell had said, and he could see how nervous she was. The only card in her deck was her ability to revoke his right to live off campus. With that gone, there was no need for him to bother going to his sessions. He let her dangle for a bit, before breaking the news to her that there was no need for her to worry.

He wasn’t going to be going to his sessions, because now there was something new taking up his nights. Physical therapy, day and night.

Anyway, she managed to get him a dorm without a roommate, so it wasn’t too bad, if a bit small. He’d met his physical therapist at the hospital already. She was there to teach him how to use the crutches - Sirius was adamant he didn’t want the wheelchair, and she’d told him it was best he started on crutches rather than worked his way up to it.

Sirius rarely got winded playing soccer or doing sprints for gym class, but after a few trips up and down the stairs with crutches, his only working leg was trembling and wobbly, his whole body was sweating, and his lungs were crying out for a break.

His cast had just been taken off, and Sirius hadn’t dared to put even a little bit of pressure on his leg. According to Christie, his physical therapist, the hard part was just starting.

But ten minutes in, all she was doing was moving his ankle back and forth and slowly bending her knee. That was all she was doing - and yet, the pain rendered Sirius unable to speak. Every time she noticed, she took a quick break. He was warned that it would be painful, but still, he hadn’t felt prepared. He’d long since grown used to the constant throbbing, but he’d been able to tune that out. This was sharp, jabbing pain.

He breathed in, out, in, out, trying to focus on the sound of his breathing instead of the pain. The other patients at the clinic disappeared. Only his breathing and the pain and - Remus? Remus. Standing at the door and slowly walking in. He’d been Sirius’ shadow practically since the accident, and Sirius couldn’t say he minded. But usually, he let him do the physical therapy stuff alone.

Soon enough, Remus spotted him and walked over to where Sirius was sitting, trying to control his face - which was a mix of bewilderment and concern. Suddenly, Sirius was acutely aware of how he must have looked. He was sweaty all over, and he was biting his bottom lip to keep from crying out in pain.

“What are you doing here?” he breathed out, and Remus blinked as if shaking himself out of a reverie.

“You’ve got a philosophy test Friday.”

“What? Remus, you don’t have to stay.”

“C’mon, I thought we had a deal.” Out of the corner of Sirius’ eye, he saw Remus smiling. “I’m not getting paid for nothing, am I? Actually I’m not getting paid at all anymore-”

“What?” Sirius said, finding his breath again. “Why not?”

“I talked to Dean Russell and told her we were through with the whole tutoring thing now that-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, we’ve talked about it. She wasn’t happy.” There was a pause. “Seriously, you’re off the hook, go.”

Then, Remus smiled, and Sirius swore it felt like a goddamned miracle. He felt the pain subside a little. “Will you come off it? I’m not your tutor anymore. I’m your… friend. And friends help each other when they need it. You came through for me, now it’s my turn. And we’re meant to discuss opinion and truth today.”

Christie bent his leg again, and Sirius managed a nod, finding the pain taking his breath away again. There was a long silence and Sirius didn’t look at Remus.

“But, you know what? We have some time for that, and you’re pretty solid on philosophy so maybe I’ll just… keep you company.” Sirius felt a smile playing at his lips. He knew what was left unsaid. Remus let him know that he wasn’t going to have to go through this alone, and that thought almost made the pain bearable.

“‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.’”

“Shit. Ow, ow. Ow, okay, okay, that was - oh, god - that was Heraclitus.  Heraclitus.”

“Good! That’s right! And who said, ‘suffering exists’?”

Sirius wiped his hair, matted with sweat, away from his forehead and glared at Remus. “Do we have to do that one now?” Christie chuckled, and Sirius leaned his head back, refocusing on the task at hand. Remus slid the notecard to the back of the pile.

“Right, yes, bad idea. ‘To rank the effort above the prize may be called love.’” Remus raised his eyebrows expectantly, and Sirius grinned through the pain.

“At least give me a hard one. Confucius. Come on, I need something to distract me, so don’t hold back. Oh, bloody hell, that hurts.”

“You’re doing well, Sirius,” Christie said, “only ten minutes more.”

“Remus? Keep ‘em coming.”

“Hey, Sirius,” Remus started. Sirius took deep breaths before responding. It was getting easier to talk through the pain lately.

“Mm.”

“You give any thought to your thesis lately? Because I know - trust me, I know there’s been a lot of… other issues to deal with, but we haven’t really spoken about it, and, well, I’m sure they’d give you an extension if you asked-”

“Remus? Can you just-”

“Right, sorry. Other things. In case you forgot, though, the prompt is “What is it to be happy?” And I understand that’s a difficult ques-”

“Remus.” He huffed a little puff of air, trying to ignore his throbbing leg. “I’ve already written the first draft.”

“You - you’ve started? So you’ve chosen a route?”

“Yes,” he gasped out. “You didn’t think I’ve forgotten, did you?”

“No! Well… yes.” Remus leaned in. “Whose side did you take?”

“Can we talk about this when I can actually speak?”

“Right, yes, good idea.”

“Sirius! Remus! Lily and I brought donuts!”

Sirius let out a loud groan. “Next time, I’m going to let you die.”

“Right, okay, bad time?”

Remus gave James a sheepish smile. “Not the best.”

Lily shrugged, and grinned. “Alright, well, we’ll leave this here. We got french cruller.” James leaned down so only Remus could hear him.

“How come he lets you stay?”

“Er… studying?”

“Hey, Christie, I think my leg is still really sore, so maybe we could just do the usual exercises? Sound good?”

“Sirius, you’ve been ready to try walking for a week now. I get if you’re scared, but it’s time to -”

“I’m not scared, I’m sore. What, Remus? What’s the look on your face?”

“Whatever you are, scared, sore, or something else entirely, I’m right here. You’re ready.”

“I’m not - Remus, I don’t -”

“I know. Trust me?”

Sirius let out a long sigh. “Okay. Christie? Get the crutches.”

Each step was unsure. It felt like his leg was gonna collapse from under him into a pile of bones and loose skin. Three steps. Only about eight more to go until Christie would give him his crutches back. Four. Five. He stopped.

His face was wet with sweat, and the exhaustion of staying upright was causing tremors of pain to pulse through his entire body. “I can’t do it. I can’t - I need my crutches.”

“Sirius,” Remus said, and Sirius didn’t even have the energy to turn his head and look at him.

“Please.”

“Sirius. Six more steps. I’ve seen you do a lot harder. This is nothing, yeah?” He took a deep breath. He saw Christie’s face, unsure. The deal was, if he asked for his crutches, she’d give them to him. But he took another step. Six. He heard Remus let out a loud cheer beside him. Seven. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Eight. Nine. In spite of the situation, Sirius was smiling. “Almost there! Almost!” Ten. “C’mon, one more!” Eleven.

Instead of being greeted with his crutches, Sirius was embraced by Remus’ warm arms. Remus’ happiness was almost tangible, and Sirius could feel it radiating off of him in waves. All he wanted to do was collapse, but Remus was keeping him upright, pressed so tightly to him Sirius could feel his heart beating in sync with his own.

“You know, Remus, you don’t have to be here every session.”

“Well, I don’t have anything better to do, do I?”

“Don’t you have work?”

“My hours got… switched around.”

“Did they get switched around or did you change them?”

“Sirius -”

“Look, I just want to thank you. I don’t know if I could have done it alone. And not just the stupid physical therapy stuff, not even the tutoring stuff. I just… no one’s ever come through for me like you have. And… I wanted you to know that I appreciate that.”

“Don’t act like it’s so one-sided, Sirius. I wouldn’t be here if it was.”

“C’mon, Christie, don’t cry, I’ll be back,” Sirius said, giving her a tight, firm hug.

“Oh, shove off. I know that, I’m just proud! You’re my best work, Sirius. Now take that leg and go - oh, I don’t know - go ride a bike or something! You can do all that now!” She pulled away giving him a final handshake. “Don’t forget to say hi.”

“Of course I won’t. You know I won’t. Oh, and thanks for the cake.” “Yes, Christie,” James chimed in, “Thanks for the cake, it’s amazing.”

“You ready, Sirius?” Remus asked him, throwing his arm lazily around Sirius’ shoulders.

“Ready. Let’s go.”

“To conclude, as Kierkegaard puts it - and what I believe it all boils down to in the end - ‘The thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die.’ That’s what it means to be happy.” Sirius let his gaze linger on his paper a moment after finishing before finally looking to Remus to see what he thought. He’d spent so long working on it, keeping quiet to everyone about it, because he knew it wasn’t until Remus heard it that he could begin to think it was good.

“Sirius, that was… blimey, you’re gonna get a way higher mark than me.”

“Oh, don’t be stupid.” Remus raised his eyebrows at Sirius, and Sirius couldn’t mask his grin. “You know,” Sirius began, trying to be nonchalant, “I talked to the professor, and I was thinking… this might be what I want to do… This is what I want to do.”

“Philosophy?”

“Well, yeah. A philosophy professor, like him. I mean, teaching people how to think? And I just… I’ve never felt like this, I don’t know, alive, about anything before.”

“So you’re done? All finished with the thesis?”

“I think I might be.” Sirius shifted a little closer to Remus, and then stood up entirely, heading for the door. As he reached for the knob, he paused for a moment and turned around. “So,” he said, carefully forcing every note of feeling out of his voice, “I guess know that I’m done with physical therapy and my courses… we don’t really need each other anymore, do we?” Remus raised his eyebrows but said nothing so Sirius stupidly continued. “I mean, er, thanks. You’ve done a lot. For me, I mean,” he finished awkwardly, and then, worst of all, he held out his hand for Remus to shake.

And Remus’ face slowly spread into a warm grin, and for a long time he laughed, Sirius’ hand still held out to him. “Come off it, Sirius. We’re friends. You’re in my apartment right now, and I didn’t even have to let you in because you have a key! So, go turn in your thesis and then you wanna get a celebratory drink?”

Sirius’ relief was almost tangible, but instead of replying he found himself focused on the glint in Remus’ green, green eyes. He managed a nod, and started to head out the door, giving Remus a goodbye grin over his shoulder, but as soon as the door closed behind him, his face fell and his steps were slow and careful.

It was as if that was the final test - to see if Remus would stick around - and now that Sirius was sure he would, what had been hibernating in the back of his mind for months had finally come to the surface: Sirius Black was desperately, unreservedly in love with Remus Lupin. What the hell was he going to do now?

The next days after the revelation, Sirius almost felt like a ghost. All the little things that had slipped under the radar had suddenly come into focus: each time Sirius was thrown by Remus’ nearness, the pit in his stomach that nearly ate him alive when Remus wouldn’t wake up in the fire, the way the pain seemed to subside when Remus spoke during physical therapy. It made sense all of a sudden.

And it also made sense that Remus didn’t love Sirius, too. And that was okay. Sirius didn’t need Remus to love him like that, he just needed Remus to love him. In any way he chose to.

It was like magic now, the way Sirius wanted to watch Remus laugh. He didn’t understand how Remus could take a space and make it full and light and happy, and make it feel just that much less empty, less lonely.

Sirius kept thinking back to the beginning, just before it all started. He was so angry. And not only angry, he was bored and restless at the same time. Pushing the Dean’s buttons was the most fun Sirius was able to get. All that felt like a different person, like the veil behind a dream when you first wake up in the morning. No matter what happened, Sirius didn’t want to go back to being that person again. None of the stuff he was doing mattered, and the worst part was, he knew it. He just didn’t care until he met Remus.

He didn’t ask to love Remus, but he did, and now that he knew what it felt like, he wouldn’t give it up for the world. He looked at Remus laughing and smiling, the sun playing hopscotch in his eyes, and he knew that even if Remus never loved him back, being able to look at him would always be enough.

Now that summer was approaching, Sirius was staying in the dorm less and less, and Remus and James’ apartment more and more. He came in, late afternoon one day - no classes for the rest of the day. James and Lily were off somewhere having a picnic, or whatever it was they did together, and so, usually it was just Sirius and Remus at the flat.

But when Sirius walked in that day, Remus was sitting against his bookshelf, knees pulled up to his chest, head ducked down. Instantly, at his side, taking a seat next to him.

“Mate, what’s wrong? Remus?”

When Remus spoke, his voice was raw. “I got fired.”

“You? Fired? For what?”

“No reason. They just didn’t have enough money to keep the whole staff.” There was a long silence. Earlier that year, Sirius knew he wouldn’t have understood why Remus cared so much, but things were different now.

“Look, Remus, if you need some money to get you through rent for the summer -”

“No. You wanna help?”

“Of course I wanna help.”

“Go grab a newspaper. I’ve gotta start looking for a job, and I better start now.” Sirius nodded, putting his arm around Remus’ shoulders, only for a moment and then standing to do as he asked.

But Sirius didn’t want just an arm around the shoulder, something anyone who knew him even a little would do. Sirius fingers itched to wrap themselves around Remus’ body, hold him so close that no one looking could tell where Sirius ended and Remus began. He wanted to empty out his entire bank account and lay it in Remus’ hands so he never had to worry about textbooks and tuition fees and feeding himself ever again. He wanted to give every part of himself to Remus, so that when Remus didn’t feel like enough, he could take some of Sirius to help him.

But he only got up and paid the dollar for the newspaper. It wasn’t enough to give to him.

“You got it? You got it! Oh my god, you got it!” Sirius could hear James from the hallway. Usually, him and Lily were out doing something this time of day, but clearly something else was going on.

Sirius cracked open the door. “Got what?”

“Remus got the job!”

“What job?” Sirius asked, but James ignored him and gave Remus a tight hug.

“We’re gonna miss you, man,” he said. Sirius started to get a queasy feeling.

“Miss him?”

Remus looked everywhere but Sirius. “The new job, it’s… it’s in Scotland.”

All Sirius could think to say was, “oh.” Even though he could feel Lily’s eyes burning holes into him, he couldn’t bring himself to pretend. “I didn’t know you were… Cheers, mate.” “Er, thanks.” Remus paused, finally meeting Sirius’ eye. “This is a good thing, right?” Sirius could tell it was a question meant only for him, and no matter how his heart felt, he knew how he had to answer.

“Of course!” he said, clapping Remus on the back, pretending that he was nothing but happy. “When do you leave?”

“Uh, next week.”

There was so much Sirius didn’t know yet. He knew Remus’ favorite color was blue, but which shade? His favorite band was The Beatles, but which song? He’d thought he’d have unlimited time to learn, but it seemed that he just blinked and it was gone. And even though he’d told himself he was fine with friendship, a part of him had hoped…

He’d never know. He was thinking about it while helping Remus pack. How did Remus wake up? He could picture it. The morning light streaming in through the window, turning Remus’ blonde curls golden. His eyes soft around the edges with sleep and dreams still wearing at them. His lips meeting Sirius’, soft, and warm, and doubling the sun’s beauty.

He wanted to leave in the morning was Remus’ touch still hot on his skin, and he wanted to come home to his smile waiting in the doorway. He wanted to have Remus be the bookends of every day.

He wanted to hold him, really hold him, like it was the most natural thing in the world. He wanted to be allowed to reach for him and have the knowledge that Remus would reach back. There was so much Sirius longed for, but with every item dropped into the suitcase, each dream evaporated.

It was the night before Remus’ plane was set to leave that Sirius decided not to let him go. He’d given up on a lot of things so soon in his life, but he didn’t want Remus to be one of them. If Remus wanted to go, he’d let him go, but for once in his godforsaken life, Sirius was going to say what needed to be said before it was too late.

And so, late on a Friday night, Sirius knocked on Remus’ door for the first time in ages. He’d had a whole speech planned out in his mind, but it disappeared as soon as Remus appeared in the doorway. He just looked so beautiful, standing in the dim light of evening. So he finally did what he’d been longing to do - he closed the gap between them.

He folded Remus up into his arms and felt something in Remus give in. It was then he realized that he might have a chance after all. Sirius stayed like that for a long time, listening to their hearts beat against each other. And all he could think about was that he didn’t want that to be the last time. He wanted to love Remus, and he wanted to be allowed to. He wanted to love Remus just because he did. He wanted to love him unnoticed, naturally, as naturally as taking a breath. He wanted Remus to let him love him.

He wanted to hold Remus as often as he could. He didn’t think he’d ever need to ask for anything else. But finally, he pulled away.

“Sirius -”

“Don’t go.”

Remus was silent.

“Stay… with me.”

And then, before he knew what was happening, Remus had grasped both of his faces and finally, finally confirmed everything Sirius had been hoping was true. Sirius had kissed a lot of people, some with feeling, some drunkenly, but never like how Remus had kissed him that night. This was like melting into something new. This was like creating a new state of being. This was ecstasy in its best form.

That was all Sirius needed to answer his question.