⚾ the ace⚾

The Aces are Back! (Get them here!)

And that’s fair- it’s not like people that age can’t have opinions or be right, they’re people.

But when I think about how long it took me to work out my own damn sexuality, gender, and all that crap, and how gently I stepped once I realised I was queer, and how much listening to people I did to see who the hell was out there…how much I am STILL learning about people who have different experiences…

…it feels really odd to see people this young being so secure in their belief of who should be excluded from the community. 

Not how to support and include, to help and support, but how to exclude.

Like…being confident in your own sexuality at 19? Fuck yeah, good for you, I’m happy you had a better chance and an earlier start than I did.

But… telling other people they’re not queer enough to be in ‘your’ space?

Your space? Not mine anymore? Huh.

I’m over here at 35 still listening and learning and trying to understand everyone’s perspectives, discovering that sexuality is even more complex and nuanced than I know…and all these people barely out of their teens are talking like they know everything there is to know about being LGBT, ever. Like it’s all been written down, stamped, sealed, confirmed by some Authority.

Mmmm. No. Just… have an ounce of humility. Try gaining some perspective, please.

You haven’t lived long enough to even really listen to real life aces, to really think about what LGBT means. I don’t mean this as an ageist insult, I just really think that this kind of shit deserves TIME- hell I know it deserves time and thought because I am STILL unlearning bad assumptions and behaviours, and STILL meeting people who define themselves outside of the frame that I was once taught meant ‘LGBT’. And you, a teen raised in a world that’s still pretty fucking homophobic and doesn’t recognise half of what the LGBT community itself has taken years to acknowledge, you think you know it all?

Because you’re online? While you’re here, read some posts where ace people talk about how they’re treated. Forget semantics for a while: read the experiences. I’m online too, I have been for some time. Doesn’t make me right, but experience is of some value. Experience in listening to queer people who aren’t quite like me, that is, in trying to understand how I am similar, instead of trying to figure out how they do not belong. In how people rework things, figure out how they can be less harmful, more inclusive, more representative of all those who are marginalised. See, Q is queer but also often Questioning. It’s still important to let people be Questioning, there is an astounding amount of queerphobia in the world and we are NOT done working out the labels. We may never be. Not so long ago, the T in lgbt was under question. Bisexuals are still being excluded.  So I’m being told I don’t matter by people who weren’t even born yet when I realised I wasn’t straight. They’re skipping right over all the reflection and going straight to self-affirmation by exclusion. 

Which, again- if you are born into a world where you never have to question your identity, oh good grief I hope that’s real for everyone some day. But we’re not there yet, yanno? And I resent being told that after all these years of soul-searching and careful, very careful questioning of whether I belong and how I can be a good member of the community, people arrive so 100% certain of their claim to being LGBT that the first thing they do is try to kick others out.

Enthusiastic consent:

When I want you

When I don’t fear the consequences of saying yes OR saying no

When saying no means missing out on something I want

Willing consent:

When I care about you though I don’t desire you (right now)

When I’m pretty sure saying yes will have an okay result and I think maybe that I’d regret saying no

When I believe that desire may begin after I say yes

Which is a definition of consent that gives sex workers agency and sees their consent as a choice made again and again based on the pros and cons, not something that is coerced and also not something that always exists by default simply because they are sex workers.

My husband often feels when Im not giving enthusiastic that he’s coercing me, which is rapey and he doesn’t want to do that obvi! He also feels like he’s bugging me when he asks for sex. He knows that when he brings up (very valid) concerns about our sex life, he hits a sore spot for me and then I start to feel bad about not having a sex drive, which is not his intention.

Neither of us likes these feelings of guilt and shame related to sex that we keep feeding into.

Three Essays by Black Asexual Women

“Romance Is Not the Only Type of Black Love that Matters” by Sherronda J. Brown

“The bonds that Black womxn share amongst ourselves are unlike any other. It is with Black womxn that I am able to be completely and unapologetically myself. It is with Black womxn that I have been able to foster a sisterhood, kinship, and camaraderie that fulfills me and will never let me be alone.”

“As a Black Woman, Celebrating Pride This Year Has Been Hard” by Yasmin Benoit

“Now is the time to remember that queer culture wouldn’t exist without Black culture and Stonewall wouldn’t have happened without Black trans women. Even if none of that were true, it wouldn’t make our struggle any less significant to the LGBTQ+ community. All Black Lives Matter, no ifs, no buts, no justification. That includes Black trans lives, Black gay lives, Black bisexual lives, Black asexual lives, Black non-binary lives. That’s what I’m going to make some noise about, and you should too.“

“The Hardships of Being an Asexual Woman of Color” by Kimberly Steele

Some asexuality/aromanticism related essays Trudy wrote:

Asexuality: Rethinking Romantic Orientation and Attraction Types As “Required” Identifiers

Black Womanhood, Asexuality and Agency

The Large Space That White Supremacy Occupies In Conversations About Sexuality

Asexuality ≠ Being Single, Celibate Or A “Virgin”

For Me, Sex Positivity Involves The Word “NO”

hiya! I figured id make an informational post about the little things ive noticed about being on testosterone that I found weren’t talked about a lot when I was starting my transition and even before when I was doing my research. I think that trans sexual health is an extremely important part of trans peoples lives (and that doesnt necessarily mean sex) seeing as the physical changes that happen during transition are often foreign to us. Sexual health keeps us healthy and comfortable in our bodies, so do your best to stay attentive to your body’s changes! As always, consult your doctor if you feel the need to. These are only tips ive learned from transitioning myself and from my doctor when I asked about certain things.

Black asexual people. Black aromantic people. Black aroace people. ANY BLACK ACEPEC OR AROSPEC PEOPLE.

Stop treating us as "Ace Lite™".

Stop assuming all aromantics are also asexual.

Stop making pride posts that don't include aromantics.

Stop using aromantic and asexual as synonyms.

trans women are real women

Galaxy/Space Theme

Gay/Queer | Lesbian | Transgender

Bisexual | Pansexual | Asexual

Aromantic | Aroace | Oriented Aroace