victoria

i was surprised at the honey’s silence this morning, just slid down the spoon in one long golden string, like the sound of your hair when it falls down the pillow, like i expected birdsong, the sort of serenade that accompanies the sunbeams as they melt through the fog

all of a sudden we’re old friends, i kept you around and no one else came along and i love you because i know you, because whenever you do a thing you always do i laugh and say that’s so you, and it’s not as annoying that way, like pressing down on a bruise, a good kind of pain

i never know what to do with your pain, not when it looks just like mine, not when you, drunk you, tell me everything and i just can’t, the words won’t become sounds, just stay put in my throat, a mere foot away from your ears and it’s so embarrassing and, in a way, cruel

friday five pm

weekend pregame music on the radio but i’m working tomorrow

at seven i see two girls on bikes through the green lights wearing pink cowboy hats

boys drink beer next to me on the tram

i’ll be back here in twelve hours doing the same thing not thinking

my memory’s already worse

the brain is a muscle like the others

open your eyes, count the lies you’ve wound up in your life, spun into the tapestry,

a torn thread that goes on anyway, weaving a vision to shine out to the others, father and

mother, made in their image of you, smooth and true with a few blink-and-you’ll-miss-it lies

to hide the pattern taking shape, the kind you only think of from afar, a wide starry

1. stand in way of sun.

2. let wind blow through hair.

3. eat slowly. chew persistently.

4. vacuum. make peace with eternal dust.

5. blow nose until able to breathe through it.

6. skin to skin contact. ten seconds or longer.

7. stretch. let head float to sky like balloon.

8. use hands to turn yarn into sweater.

9. sing and dance alone in room.

shallots, butter, thyme, white wine. a warm

shower. flowers that can stand the snow.

we thought it was all over but it wasn’t!!!! it really wasn’t!!!!!! we thought this was our last time here but it wasn’t!!!!!!! here we all are!!!!!!

after my shower tonight, body warm and clean i felt for a moment it was beautiful, my body round and soft, bellybutton stranger i draped it in beige wool and a vest i made once, damp-dark hair wrapped in sheer silk-like

i filmed it, posed, contrapposto, grainy yellow while watching, it was still beautiful not in a way i will ever show to anyone not in a way that changes anything

similar to sparkly buzzed nights, red lipstick it feels so good to run your hands through your hair when you’re tipsy, sexy, just to me

i want to bathe in feathers, feel a butterfly flutter, earthy not dirty, bare but hidden

sunday: almost march

leftovers: still good

confidence: hesitant hopes

movie night: documentary

reminder: write application

messy already: spider web ceiling

not enough rest: same as yesterday

tomorrow too close: get through

i will do that when Life Begins

when True Life truly Begins

(since this life can’t be Life)

i will Begin when The Wait is over

when i know who i Am

(since this me can’t be Me)

then i will do it

dinner time on the tram, knees aching the drunks with their bikes, a sharp smell sweat and sour pineapple juice, a memory the best week so far, sun burns everywhere i wish i could stop measuring my days compared to then, even the least bad dark winter tuesdays can’t compete

on the drive home through the city tonight

we pass apartment windows, still lit

i catch a glimpse of the living rooms

and i can’t believe they all made it.

they all got far enough to have a home with

picture frames and bookshelves and they

must not be so different from me.

it just feels so unlikely now, that i will

buy plants and paint the walls any color.

it’s all nothing like i imagined know too much and too little know what’s wrong but not what i should do about it

thought i would know more people and be a person in the world more often thought i’d wear ironed shirts and perfume and listen to small bands in warm bars

when i feel bad i pretend it’s 2004 somehow it helps to think that my older brothers had times like this they just didn’t photograph it for me to see

i look at you, a moment longer than usual sitting in front of you, brushing my teeth the way i used to every morning and evening sitting in your lap while you brushed my teeth you would tip your feet, rock me up and down

i keep looking at you for another second trying to remember the way you used to look dyed brown hair, same soft skin on your neck right where my head fits when you hold me you tap my knee, tell me to go on, get to bed

before i spit, i pay attention to my brushstrokes moving in small deliberate motions that my five year old hands didn’t have the precision to perform, although i was convinced they did but you told me to sit, smiled and sang for me

reach out to me, i need to know that

i didn’t make you up, that i will have someone

still, when i’m too weak to speak out and

ask for help, ask for you to come over,

reach out to me, come over, i need to know that

last summer, the four of us at the party, it was funny until it wasn’t, you couldn’t make the promise, the four of us holding each other, crying, begging, i love you, please don’t, please don’t, and eventually you gave in, at least that’s how i remember it.

now winter and you still joke about it, we never said anything to you like we planned to do, because what can you say, what can i say, of all people, having run out of good arguments to make you stay, reasons to keep living, i just know we’re still here.