nothing to see here

there really is a big timer on this whole thing i have going on and im so scared. i need to pick a fucking lane, though. i wanna push this guy away but i keep getting irrationally mad when they even imply they’re leaving. help meeeee take me out back and show me the flowers and shoot me

god, i hate this. i hate you. i want you to tell me that im a freak and that i should fuck right off. is that so hard? i tell you i’ve done disgusting things and you still ask me if i wanna hang out. you still look at me like that. you still make poor excuses as you lean on me and get all touchy and sweet. this won’t last. we can’t stay in this little bubble. i’m leaving in less than a year and you’re gonna stay. you’ve stayed here for so long. i don’t think you wanna leave. at least a part of you doesn’t. i hate you so much and i hate how fucking cheesy it is when my throat knots up because you bumped your head against mine. i hate how happy i am that you grabbed my arm or held my hand or the way you’ve been getting more and more affectionate and i can’t do a fucking thing about it. i can’t tell you i love you because of this stupid situation. it would only make things worse, honestly. maybe i fucking should, i’m sure it’d drive you off. i hate this so much i want to cry. we can’t keep doing this, but then again what even is “this”? being friends? it feels like we’re simultaneously more and infinitely less than that. maybe i should just tell you i love you so i can see the dread form on your face in real time.

i feel so embarrassed about the degree of care i want. i’m embarrassed that i regress. i’m so ashamed that i can’t even blatantly call it what it is out loud. i feel weak and stupid for not being able to be a normal fucking adult. i’m ashamed of almost everything about me, but this is one of the bigger issues. i don’t think i could ever have someone care for me or accommodate for me because if someone was that aware of it i would crash the fuck out.

i’m sooooooo normal about being the object of blatant favoritism. i’m so normal about people recognizing that i’m Special to someone and basically telling me to boss said someone around a little at work because they’ll listen to me and only me. i’m so normal about people assigning me as said someone’s veritable caretaker. yep. all normal here.

old men fucking nasty on my dash I must've done something right

staring at the block button uhhhh how committed am I to my boundaries? a question for my therapist

I do want tattoos, but I'm a little anxious about it. I'm by no means orthodox, neither is my family, but my bubbe's always been a little disapproving of tattoos and most piercings. I think I would feel a little guilty. maybe I should wait until she passes.

mentioned that i might be plural to my hb today while shaking and nervously laughing a little and they were remarkably chill about it which was insane. like oh god you’re actually a healthy person i can trust. fuck. oh my god.

i don’t think christians understand that in the torah when it talks of satan that’s more of a proverbial term for an enemy? like, for example if you’re keeping me from doing something i need to do, you are a satan to me. it’s a role. and in the bible ‘satan’ is then assigned as a real individual. but ‘satan’ is only seen/phrased as an individual in the torah figuratively like in the book of isaiah. wtvr im just having thoughts 🫤

i wanna be your dog. its so stupid. i hate it. i just wanna lay at the foot of your bed. i want you to show me affection so simply and so naturally. i wanna lay my head in your lap while you watch TV, i don’t wanna have to think about anything. i just want you to make decisions for me and take care of me. i wanna be able to comfort you right when you’re upset. god, whatever, this feels so embarrassing. i’m sorry.

guy texts its therapist asking to come back and do weekly sessions with its hands shaking with the heart rate of an animal being hunted for sport 37 dead 490 injured