Heartbreaker

He couldn’t know of the other’s grudges towards love. Tarek, for his part, was very fond of the general idea of love; he wanted to have someone by his side, he wanted to show them off for the rest of his life and brag about the wonderful decision he had made by promising to stay forever with his counterpart. But he was also perfectly aware of the fact that it took two to get this far. As romantic and dreamy as his illusions were, if he couldn’t find someone else to share these dreams with him then they weren’t going to be realized; it was as simple as that.

❝Is it like that, then? My bad. I was assuming you were like me because I have felt lonely before, even though someone was always around me.❞ Jongdae had a point though: Tarek was beyond ridiculous. It was childish naivity but it was sweet and genuine, something that was hard to find in young people these days. He didn’t use someone else’s thoughts or words against them, instead chose to pick them apart and analyze them in his very own way before comparing them to another situation that would make the other see the error in their ways. The younger was pretty sure that Jongdae knew he wasn’t telling the truth, but he didn’t want to call him out on that. It wasn’t his job to do so.

❝You know, my parents are divorced too. They went their separate ways when I was five. I remember my mother crying a lot about that, and then she got angry. Cursed at him through the phone, wished him to hell and all that but he never let that out on me. He always welcomed me with open arms, never rubbed it into my face that I was a product of an unhappy marriage that had ended in a disaster, even though he knew that I knew.❞ He paused, taking a moment to think of his next words. Sometimes, Tarek was too open for his own good but it seemed like the right thing to share what was on his mind. He had pried too much already anyway, it seemed only fair now.

Tarek clearly knew his way around words and Jongdae could feel his resolve breaking. The million words of a story he hated to tell began to bubble up his throat, accompanied with the emotions he despised with everything he had. This wasn’t professional of him-- but this also wasn’t... a professional setting where he could whip himself back into thinking in a certain manner. The brunette looked away from Tarek-- he knew he was lying. Rarely did anyone find out the points in time where a lawyer was lying, the look in Tarek’s eyes made him doubt himself.

 “Familial love is the only thing that isn’t fabricated,” Jongdae tried to reason “You love your children because they are a part of you-- the continuation of what you were.” But, Jongdae never knew his real parents. He didn’t know who he was to become the successor of. His adoptive parents were well off in a wealthy setting, business meetings and jet-setting across the oceans--it was the reason of their divorce, despite being in love. “Love isn’t enough, though. It never is.”

-

“mm,” he hummed out with a small nod, leaning forward in his seat and joining his hands to place his forehead against his palms. “i always ask her not to get the expensive kind, but she insists that it’s because she wants me to have something nice. i think she thinks i live in box…” rubbing away the last of his tiredness in his eyes like a child, he looked up once more and stuck out his tongue at his friend playfully.

“try not to leave a mess. i’d feel bad if you ended up getting chocolate all over your papers. after all, it’s my job to sabotage you, so you can’t go around doing it yourself.”

“Don’t most students end up seemingly living in boxes anyway?” Jongdae chuckled lightly to himself and checking his watch--for no apparent reason, because he had nowhere to be in the next few hours, it still proved to be a habit of the older man. He played with the box of chocolates and checked out the ingredients, though it was a fact that Jongdae would eat any type of sweet.

-

Admittedly, it must seem somewhat hypocritical for such a young man who knew so little of love to be talking about it with the fake wisdom of an old bishop. Hadn’t the church always prayed for marriage until death do them part? It was slightly interesting, come to think of it - back in the day, love wasn’t what it was today and nobody had truly cared for the desires of the female gender, much less even so when she was of noble birth and destined to be part of political affairs by marriage. Lips pursed in a manner that told anyone who looked at the young boy that he detested the very thought, causing him to cut it off and focus on the task at hand once more; how could he possibly sit by and watch a friend missing out on something as beautiful as love?

It was strange for Tarek to talk about friends when he had left all of his behind in the States; truly, he did miss them. But he had come back to look after his mother every now and then ( even though he hadn’t had the guts to so much as visit her once so far ). However, he wasn’t too keen on bringing this up either since it was not related to the topic of love anyway, more so to the emotions of fear and anxiety. ❝No, you don’t understand. I asked for your life, for you. I didn’t ask for who’s around you. I know that a lawyer probably sees and meets a lot of new people every day, just like I do at school but that doesn’t mean you’re not lonely. Don’t try to mess with my brain.❞

A lighthearted laugh followed, implying that Tarek didn’t want his last words to be taken all too seriously. It was strange how a young man could keep so much boyishness in the way he phrased his questions without coming across as too noisy, like he’d likely appear to be most of the time if he didn’t have this charm to save him from being titled as dumb or just too young to understand when he was everything but.

The younger didn’t know whether his words had hit home or if the other was just unwilling to elaborate on the topic, but now he surely wasn’t going to give up. Something told him it was better to pry than to leave Jongdae hanging; perhaps all he needed was someone to talk to? He too, remembered circumstances where he would have liked to talk to someone but didn’t have a single soul with him who would have listened, let alone cared. ❝You know, true love and a relationship and then something or someone got in the way or they just left or whatever. You know, the stuff that books are made of. I can’t believe you’d be so bitter about love without ever having experienced it before. No offence.❞

Once upon a time, perhaps the idea of love was something which Jongdae accepted with open arms and shy smiles, but not anymore. Too drastic were the changes which had happened in his life, and too much was the emptiness which filled him, an early November morning. It might have been the thoughts which were already running through his mind when Tarek spoke which caused him to delve into a million memories which he never wanted to rediscover--not sober, at least. Who’s around him? No one of important, sadly. He shook himself out of the thoughts and he clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

“You’re ridiculous,” he bit out, rolling his eyes, though there lacked venom in his tone. “If you have people around you, then you can’t be lonely. That’s a mental thing, and I like to live alongside the cold hard facts,” he added. A lie, because sometimes, he still thought about when she was still around. Love was never something he appreciated discussing, but the words seemed to want to spill from his lips--his story, that was; where he stood in this ridiculous game of tearing couples apart and feigning emotionlessness. Lawyers were actors, dammit.

Ah, but experience is what made things bitter. Experience was what made things bitter because every decision in the world was final-- there was nothing more concrete than a decision-- the way black coffee turned beige when a dollop of cream was added to it, because you couldn’t remove that dollop of cream once it was added because things had already changed; the way once poison was consumed, even if removed, there would be remnants of what was once inevitably toxic; the way the taste of her lips would always linger on his--his lips, his thoughts, his mind, his every single memory--, and it was impossible to erase.

- yifan rolled his eyes at the other’s feigned shock, as if he really thought that the taller would grow sick of him. of course, that had yet to come. for now, he placed the chocolates on jongdae’s desk, pursed lips forming a small frown.

“you caught me. i’m madly and hopelessly in love with you,” the student mused as he zipped the backpack back up and placed it beside his chair, an eyebrow arched as he looked back towards the lawyer. “that’s why i’m giving you the chocolates that i can’t bear to eat so they don’t go to waste. as always, the conclusions you draw are flawless.”

A cackle left Jongdae’s lips at Yifan’s response. The younger man was always a good sport when he made jokes-- never failed to make him laugh. Jongdae grinned and looked to the box of chocolates on his desk, “Oh, but these are really good chocolates,” he remarked. The lawyer drummed his fingers against the table and spun his lollipop.

-

rather than reply, yifan stayed quiet and hid his small smile as he spun idly on his chair and chewed on the candy. if they were choosing to not be professional, then jongdae would have to deal with yifan acting like a nine year old rather than his actual age. 

“anyway… i’m not mean enough to come here without a good reason,” he murmured as he reached behind him to remove his backpack. the tall male dug into it before pulling out a box with wrapping paper that he messily tried to put back together. “my mother sent me a package from china the other day, and she sent some chocolate with it. “i don’t want to tell her that i’m not big on sweets, but i thought it would be a waste if no one ate them, so.”

“You wouldn’t just visit me on your own accord, Yifan?” Jongdae feigned his hurt with a hand over his chest and a falsely pained expression. “I am severely wounded by this implication,” he added-- he wasn’t at work, and there was no need for him to play professional in the comfort of his own apartment.

-

Sitting there in peace, Yoobin couldn’t help but let her eyes wander once more. Yet again, her eyes met with the strangers and stuck there. He seemed to be mocking the entire party there; completely shameless about it. Though it was amusing, the curator hesitated to laugh. She didn’t want to bring attention to their little game, neither did she want a bad rap for making fun of people who had enough money (if put together) to buy her. Parting her lips slightly, she mumbles softly while looking at the man across the room. “He really has no shame—” Nonetheless, she follows his actions as closely as she can. Taking the flute glass in her hand and swirling the non-existent wine within. Her faces sours up; an exaggerated mockery of the people that surrounded her. 

Before she could find herself getting more ‘into character’, the next round of wine had begun, and another glass was in front of her. Quickly though, she took a sip, and then downed the rest within’ a minute…Or two. To ‘pace’ herself; not really stick out within her circle of snobs. Though, not long after, the curator had met eyes with the handsome boy across the room and stuck out her pinky. A stereotype for all wealthy people (even she did it as a kid to mock her parents and their friends). Taking a whiff of the nearly clear liquid within her large round glass, Yoobin couldn’t help but stifle a laugh before continuing on with her act. He was the only person in the room who understood the struggle of being constantly surrounded by people who were (mostly) uneducated, and had their wealth and status handed down to them. 

Constantly surrounded by people who claimed themselves as intellectuals and independent entrepreneurs…They were all jokes. Though she wasn’t excusing the mere fact that she was a privileged fuck, but at least she knew the meaning of a dollar and how to create a name for herself. 

As a lawyer, despite being of a wealthy heritage already, Jongdae probably should have been a little bit more proper, but the pretty lady across the room was amusing as she seemed to catch onto his mockery. He bit back the chuckle, but the corners of his lips curled into thin amusement, dark locks of hair falling into his eyes as he tore his eyes away to refrain from laughing aloud. It was a pain to be in the company of so many people who thought of themselves as high class because of what they were given as children. The mundane expressions on everyone’s faces and the insistence on making a good impression? No thanks. Jongdae made his impressions just fine-- subtle and mocking of the people around him.

The second round of wine came to him and his eyes scanned the room for a brief moment-- it’s unfortunate that several people handed away their half-full glasses; problems of being proper-- you didn’t get to finish everything that was given to you. It’s a shame. It was good alcohol too, if you were to ask Jongdae; then again, any alcohol could be appreciated if it was strong enough, according the the lawyer. Jongdae took a sip of his wine, letting the taste linger on his tongue for a moment before he peered at the female from over his glass again. Out of everyone at his table, he looked most misplaced. Though well dressed, his posture was straight, though he leaned an elbow against the table, his hand bracing his glass between his fingers and the other hand rested in his lap. Everyone else touched not the glass before them and folded their hands together and rested both elbows on the table with straight posture. Must be uncomfortable, he thought as he shifted to mimic their position.

-

❝Perks of having a good tolerance.❞ He’s grinning and brimming with confidence, because aside from his looks and his brain, the male also has incredible confidence in his drinking abilities as it surpasses most Koreans. With a raised brow, the brown haired male leans back against the leather couch and rests one of his arms along the back, not entirely sure how to draw up a reply to the preposterous statement by Jongdae. ❝You’re telling me what not to do while doing exactly what I shouldn’t be doing. Surely you have more logic than that.❞ Brandon lets out a chortle before shrugging his shoulders as the other brings up a very sharp retort. It’s true that off-hours mean freedom for most professions but in the law world, there really are no off hours and he would have peged Jongdae to understand that. ❝You know I only bring your job into this because I’ll be a lawyer soon too. Speaking of that, here’s your reminder that those off hours you speak of? They don’t exist.❞ The second he finishes speaking he is reaching forward for the bottle of alcohol sitting on the table, holding it out towards the older male out of pure respect. ❝Are you going to try and deny another drink or should I just pour?❞

-

❝Not everything is always fiction.❞ A simple shrug of his shoulders was given by the younger and the tone of his voice implied that he wasn’t going to let the other change his mind, no matter what arguments would be brought up. Tarek was serious when he meant that there was something good about love, even if he couldn’t help but associate the terms heartbreak and sadness with it as well.

But since life in itself held more in store than just the good sides, why bother to try and erase something that was simply meant to happen, whether in a platonical or romantical way? He, for one, truly cherished the love given to him by his parents who broke up when he was a child and still, Tarek had grown up to be an amiable young man whose self-confidence couldn’t be ignored nor pushed aside. ❝Young to you; I can live with that.❞ A crooked grin was cracked that immediately helped to brighten the rather childish man’s features before he nodded once, the smile still fully blooming on his lips.

❝You must live a very lonely life, then. Seeing how people around you get married, only to be there and tell them that you told them it was going to happen if they seperate from each other.❞ Head was tilted to the side as Tarek began to paint said image in his mind, quietly wondering what it must feel like to be the one who stood by the side and witnessed as people closest to him fell in and out of love without ever wanting to experience the same. And that immediately brought him to the next question - had Jongdae ever experienced something like this before? Was this the answer to the other’s bitterness?

❝Have you ever been disappointed by someone you’ve loved?❞ The phrase was, admittedly, somewhat strangely constructed but Tarek didn’t doubt for a second that the lawyer had at least loved once before, and the student was too eager to find out more.

Not everything was always fiction, meaning something was the truth, but how much of that truth was twisted to make-believe something of a truth, which failed to resemble reality? He’d bet on it, because it wasn’t a lot. How much of love lasted? A miniscule amount, and it was the marriages which he and his coworkers never saw again, after their marriage, but how much of those marriages even stayed intact and never grew stale? His parents were victim to that-- madly in love with one another, but distance forced them to grow empty and stale; they loved one another, still, but the divorce was done and finished. Love didn’t push through everything.

Tarek smiled and Jongdae averted his eyes-- definitely young to Jongdae, because he doesn’t remember the last time a smile actually brightened his expression with mirth instead of making it look all the more cynical and judgemental. The remark from the younger man made Jongdae snort in mock amusement. A lonely life, well, where were his friends? Gone, now. He was always the type to stand and just say I told you so, but half those people whom he could talk to vanished from the face of the planet, once they got married-- he understood why.

“My life is not lonely, I’ve plenty of people around me,” he replied. But, that never really meant that you didn’t feel lonely. Physical loneliness and mental loneliness were two different things and he should have expected for someone at Tarek’s age to point that out, if anything. But, he’d felt lonely for the past four and a half years, ever since his apartment suddenly looked so much bigger upon entrance and the little things scattered over the floor weren’t there anymore.

-

❝you didn’t tell me not to think about it either.❞ he deadpanned quickly, lips pulling into a wide frown as he stared at the other male with wide eyes before shaking his head as if he was literally attempting to get rid of the image that had been previously painted in his head. whatever the younger was aiming to achieve, soon the frown dissolved into a neutral expression upon hearing the last words that were spoken by the older.

❝there are always two sides to the coin. love has bad sides, but i firmly belive it has good sides too. otherwise there wouldn’t be so many books and movies with that topic, hm?❞ he hummed happily, blissfully ignorant of the fact that the other seemed to be rather bitter for whatever reason. but this was just like tarek and whilst he wasn’t blind nor willfully ignoring the other’s obvious distaste for this topic in particular, he couldn’t help the curiosity that settled in. would it be rude of him to ask, would it be inappropriate?

of course he understood that there was need for privacy but someone ( - or well, more like his father ) once told him that even though love sometimes only lasted for a short amount of time, it didn’t always mean that it was a bad thing. in retrospect, good things could come out of a relationship too: children, for example. though this depended from person to person and tarek did understand that not everyone was inclined to share his point of view, even if he truly wanted to make the other see that. ❝i’m not that young. what do you have against love anyway?❞

He bit his tongue on the retort which almost left his lips-- Jongdae’s tongue was sharp and he usually wouldn’t spare the remark, but the person before him-- Tarek was a child, pretty much. Or, in his eyes. Four years made quite the difference. He wouldn’t be too cruel with his words. The lawyer was good at that and his career proved it. But, he did feel the slightest bit guilty for triggering such thoughts into the younger’s mind. His filter usually only worked whilst he was dealing with a case.

Love had its good sides, of course it did. The little things which happened before everything collapsed from the unstable foundation of which everything was built; when it all crashed into the ground and erupted in flames. Of course there were the good things about love, but nothing was permanent and those goods always faded into the bad things. “There are so many happy novels about love because it’s fiction,” he replied, quirking an eyebrow. Rejection of the other’s ideas, but it’s only intent of him to figure out more about the younger man’s mind. There was something about Tarek which quirked more than his physical attention.

-

yifan took the candy with a small grin, fingers promptly tearing it open before he placed it on his tongue. as he chewed, he listened, a slight roll of his eyes resulting from the lawyer’s words. a lawyer eating candy was probably as childish as you could get, really. regardless, yifan took a seat in the nearest chair, slumping just the slightest bit to get comfortable.

“for one thing,” he spoke up, moving the candy to his cheek so he could be heard clearly. “you’re lucky that it’s only me. people find that kind of thing unprofessional, unless you’re a doctor handing out treats to kids. tell you what: when i have my own office, you can take a few lollipops when you visit. or a whole jar if you leave me in a good mood.”

It’s childish of him to be eating candy with so much enthusiasm in becoming sick with it, but it was better for him than if he were to let himself drown in alcohol again. It was the better of his habits, anyway. When Yifan rolled his eyes Jongdae snorted in amusement, placing a lollipop into his mouth and biting down on it with a sound crunch. The twenty-four year old couldn’t care less. 

“you know, there are whole civilizations that used to believe they could see their destinies in the stars.”

“it’s a miracle that you’re alive.”

“have you decided on a major yet?”

“it’s been a long time.”

“you look amazing.”

“i’m sorry! tell them i’m sorry!”

“will you grow up?”

“sorry about my friends. they try to be funny but only succeed at being idiots.”

“did you not see the beautiful boy/girl who just pushed a car to try to talk to you?”

“my ____ thinks you were trying to talk to me the other day.”

“you don’t know how to flirt, do you?”

“come on in here. sit down. let’s play a hand of cards or something.”

“maybe i like smart guys/girls that don’t have it handed to them!”

“you know, i just wanted a date.”

“when i was a kid, i built my own telescope.”

“you’re a bad liar.”

“i’d like to do this again sometime.”

“i guess i wanted to do that.”

“when are you gonna let me get my hands dirty?”

“my parents think you’re dangerous.”

“i can’t have you getting hurt.”

“do you want me?”

“i guess i just wanna know if you’re happy.”

“you ever been in love?”

“you just care so much.”

“we need a song.”

“why are you always right?”

“what would you risk for me?”

“just give him/her the gun!”

“if this was the last time you were ever gonna see me, what would you say?”

“you’ve got a lot of good inside of you.”

“he/she’s got a chance now.”