beyoncé: hi, you’ve reached the first of her name, queen of the billboard charts, queen of tidal, spotify and apple music, lord of pop, r&b, and country, protector of modern-day intersectional feminism, khaleesi of the music industry, called beyoncé stormborn, the unbothered, mother of blue ivy. who deigns to speak to me?
sufjan: None Other Than I Your Good Pal Sufjan Stevens
beyoncé: oh! good to hear from you, suf! what’s up?
sufjan: Beyoncé I Am Having An Emergencé
beyoncé: uh oh. what’d he do this time?
sufjan: Well Aubrey And I Were Enjoying A Romantic Evening Together Partaking In All The Fine Sights Sounds And Smells Dear Downtown Toronto Has To Offer
beyoncé: uh huh
sufjan: And Aubrey Suggested We Ascend To The Viewing Platform Of The CN Tower And I Of Course Obliged Him
beyoncé: right
sufjan: But We Had Barely Decamped From The Elevator When Aubrey Suggested We Partake In Dinner At The CN Tower’s Dining Establishment
beyoncé: …sufjan, i’m not seeing how this is an emergencé?
sufjan: Well We Took Our Seats And I Noticed That The Restaurant Was Empty And The Viewing Platform Beyond The Restaurant Was Similarly Empty And A String Quartet Gathered Aside Our Table And Begin To Play Aubrey’s 2013 Hit Single Hold On We Are Going Home And Aubrey Knelt By The Table And-
beyoncé: …oh shit! oh shit! he proposed! oh my god, congratu-
sufjan: No! The Moment Aubrey Bent His Knee I Arose From The Table Hollering About Food Poisoning And Availed Myself Of The Bathroom Facility From Whence I Am Now Telephoning You
beyoncé: oh no! you… you don’t want to marry him?
sufjan: No! I Do! Nothing Would Delight Me More!
beyoncé: …well then, why are you faking food poisoning and calling ya girl yoncé when you should be out there getting proposed to? come on, now!
sufjan: Beyoncé My Dear Confidante I Have Laboured For The Last Eighteen Months To Compose A 40-Song Suite For The Acoustic Guitar, Piano, Wurlitzer, Bass Guitar, Drums, Electric Guitar, Oboe, Alto Saxophone, Flute, Banjo, Glockenspiel, Accordion, Vibraphone, Sopranino Recorder, Tambourine, Triangle, and Electronic Organ To Accompany A Symphonic Ballet Entitled “When Aubrey Met Sufjan” With The Intention Of Proposing To Aubrey Myself Upon Completion Of The Inaugural And Only Perfomance
beyoncé: oh… wow
sufjan: So Let Me Tell You What Is Not Going To Happen
beyoncé: tell me
sufjan: I Did Not Strive For Months On End To Compose A Brilliant Ambitious Orchestral Celebration Of Matrimony Through Symphony And Dance Only To Be Unceremoniously Upstaged Atop This Canadian Tourist Attraction By A String Quartet Serenading Me With A Song Originally Written For None Other Than Robyn Rihanna Fenty!
beyoncé: oh shit… ohhhhhhhh shit…
sufjan: I Am Glad You Comprehend The Depth Of My Distress
beyoncé: okay. here’s what we’re gonna do. i’m gonna put out an SOS and have one of my canadian beyhivers yank the fire alarm in the tower’s lobby.
sufjan: All Right
beyoncé: they should evacuate you after that.
sufjan: Good
beyoncé: if they don’t, just text me and i’ll call in a bomb threat.
sufjan: Beyoncé! I Hardly Think That-
beyoncé: alternatively, you stop whining, get your ass back out there, and get proposed to!
sufjan: Yes Ma’am
