Concupiscent Nightmares

Sometimes the changes come too fast

One minute

You’re giving your everything to this person

And the next minute

They decide they no longer need you.

And you’re left on your own

Determining what comes next

So you put your interest into something

That turns out to be nothing

Little do they know

This breaks you more.

Cuz you thought

Meanwhile the reality is so different

You’re not the one you thought you’d be

And you wonder if you’re even worth it.

A few weeks ago I was into something I thought was real.

Planning a future

Looking forward to shit

And now I know that even that was a farce

And I am completely on my own.

I dreaded the thought

Of not being your person…

Of you not being mine.

Of days where we didn’t speak

Of nights where my bed lay half empty

I didn’t want to think of myself

Alone

When you were my entire world

I loved being us.

So I sit here now

Thinking where things went wrong

What I could have done differently

What things I left unsaid

Did I not make you feel loved

Respected

Valued

Did I leave you feeling rejected

Shut out

Exhausted

Your words still ring in my ears

You said you felt we weren’t a match

That can’t be a sudden revelation

Why now after all these years?!

But take your words I must

At their full face value

I must move on

Leaving the life I’d pictured behind

Fearful

I am admittedly a little

I took so long to try to know you

To understand you

To learn you

But in that time

I also learned about myself

That this isn’t the end of me

So much so as the end of us

And so I venture forth

As the last few credits roll

On the last chapter of our story

I am thankful for the energy to keep going

Grateful that though I may be bruised

I am far from broken…

I shed tears when you left

It hurt because I felt guilty

Guilty for not giving you more of my time

Guilty for not showing you just how much you meant

Guilty for not being there when you needed me

I told you everything when we last met

You never batted an eye

You loved your friend.

You never changed up.

You remained steadfastly the person I’ve known

Forever

I’m so sorry.

Let fear of losing you keep us apart

Held you at arms length

When I should have held you close

As close in my heart as you truly were.

I’m so sorry

That I let time get away from us.

I let time run out on us.

I let you down.

For that I’m eternally sorry…

Feels like it’s been so long

Since we lost who we used to be

I grieve for the life we used to have

The passion we used to share

I denied the change

Wrote it off as a phase

Became complacent

Accepted what is as status quo

I gave several opportunities

For things to change

Yet they got worse or remained the same

I got so lost in trying to make us

That I neglected me

I thought if I tried really hard

It would work out in the end

Here I am months later

I’m no more sure now than then

That I’m not in this alone

We live in this house

We cohabitate

We aren’t the partners we once were

Or am I just now seeing things

In 4K for the first time

Love had its blinders on me

I guess I only saw what I wanted to see

Not what you clearly showed me

It’s like you left long ago

If you were ever even truly here

You seem comfortable with things as is

I can’t see a future on this course

I’ve been carrying this load alone

I reach out for help that never comes

Or even attempts to

A partnership cannot exist one sided

Is this the end?

He loves me

I know he loves me

He tells me he loves me

He shows me he loves me

He lives in his love for me

But am I worthy of his love?

From the sparkle in your eye

To the melodious curve of your back

From the bass of those supple cheeks

To the crescendo of your laugh

Your real one

Oh, the arch your dimple reaches

Your joviality

Your sincerity

That enigmatically sexy way your mind works

I thirst to peel away those layers

And wrap myself fully into you

Your every mood

Your comedy

Your tragedy

Your all else in between

Grant me your blessings

Show me your art

Words unspoken

Yet felt with all my soul

The urge to caress your entire body, yes

But it’s your heart I yearn to hold

Perhaps a step too far

A bit premature in most eyes

To say it is to change us forever

To deny it is simply lies

I revel in your voice

The things you always say

The way your energy matches mine

Leaves me feeling a kinda way

I get a bit choked up

From holding in how I feel

Scared that too much said now

Will lessen to you how I actually feel

But fuck it

I see you

This beautiful visage before me

All that remains is the question

Do you also adore me?

Before you speak

Know I can accept whatever you feel

Just don’t reply in obligation

Speak only truth in what you reveal

Sincerely

Energies in sync.

Our hearts speaking as one voice.

I hoped this feeling would be

Temporary

Something that would come and go

Leaving me with clarity

But this feeling didn’t sign a lease

It’s squatting here

Living rent free in my head

What am I to you really?

Is the constant question

Am I to you who you are to me?

The meaning of it all

Is fleeting

I try to rationalize

But I’m at a loss

The lack of context clues

Leads me to draw my own conclusion…

Your fragrance lingers in the air

Catching my attention

Instantly making me want you

I take a deep whiff

My eyes close

The scent intoxicates me

I feel you fall into my arms

I cradle you in my embrace

The feeling of your body next to mine

Transports me

I am in heaven

You are its key holder

I hesitate to open my eyes

For in that moment

You were mine

Once my eyes are open

You are no where around

I am alone

With just these fantasies…

Was life so bad before

That everything needed to change?

Was my presence so oppressive

That you felt compelled to escape?

Is what I feel now

The way things really are?

Were they always this way for you?

Did I fail to notice?

Is my old life really gone?

Am I now forced into this one

Where I’m left feeling conflicted?

Why does the part of me

That wants to see you fly

Have to contend with a part of me

That feels abandoned?

Is my overthinking overthinking again?

Why does this house our home

Now feel like a strange frontier

For which I have yet to evolve?

Why did things have to change?

Why is this new normal is

So damn overwhelming?

Was it necessary to that it all change

In the blink of an eye?

Our way of living uprooted

Without warning

Without preparation?

If I shift focus

Will our last ties will be severed?

Nothing will be left

If I hold fast to those loose threads

Will it keep us together

As the fabric unravels

Seemingly faster than I can grasp?

Will our warmth be usurped by loneliness?

Security superceded by uncertainty?

What if I want my old life back?

What if I just want US back.

What if I can’t be patient?

What happens if this isn’t temporary?

What if after all this

We drift so far apart

That our connection is to weak to mend?

I miss us.

This feels so lonely

Being the supportive one

I just want to scream.

Conversation cut short

Never resumed

The chasm widens

Darkness fills the void

Hope of reconciliation

Dwindling

Precariously

Hampering on both parties

Releasing their pride

Their sense of self-righteousness

Fear of being the antagonist

Leading to inaction

That begins the downward spiral

You become the villain

In your own story

The beginning

Is also 

Alone in this room

Left only to my thoughts

The sun’s light seems distant

Rays with no heat

My heart is in shambles

Trampled upon

My countenance

No longer able to mask

No more game smiles

Pretending to be ok

Making believe

That things are perfect

Perfectly fucked

Perfectly broken

Perfectly damaged

I have become

A crumpled bag

Discarded

Unuseful

A lost soul

In a maze of my own creation

I felt everything

All at once

Sorrow

Betrayal

Anger

Resentment

I cried myself to sleep

I wept when I woke up

I coaxed myself out of bed

Forced my limbs to submit

Life must go on

Only now

Day turned to night

Without a word uttered

Internalized pain

Tears that won’t come at times

That won’t stop at others

Another sleepless night

Thoughts clearly racing

Wondering what happens next

Wondering how it got here

Remembering how it was

How it may never be again

Is it worth it still

The hearts yells “yes”

The brain whispers “no”

Elaborate…

When are you put first?!

When do you matter?

Now.

I.

Matter.

Now.

Love would surely see that

Love would surely see me

Love would understand

Love would be patient

So then

What

Is

Imagine being my big age

And still worried about

Who doesn’t like me

And why

Who doesn’t approve of me

And their rationale

Why what I eat

suddenly

Makes you shit

Neon green like them

Black ass whoppers

Meanwhile I couldn’t care less

About what makes you

You

I approve of you

I love you

Because you are you.

All I’d want is the same

And yet that is so far

From mundane

Out of the ordinary

That I be afforded the courtesy

To simply exist

Free of your judgement

Your religion

Your scorn

Your oft wrong intuition…

As I look at myself

I’m this mirror I see

The only one holding back

My happiness

Is me

I judge myself

On what others may say

Who’d shun me

Or turn away

All the while hoping to preserve

Relationships built

On a fucking mirage

Of the image I chose to show

But muhfucka no more

At my big age fuck that

And if you truly got beef

Grill it

Cuz what I eat don’t make you shit

And you def can’t get a nutt

Off who I do

Or don’t hit.

So this is me

Like it or hate it

At this big age

I no longer care

Gasp, whisper, stare

Do whatever you must

With the full knowledge

That I

Honestly and truly

and disrespectfully

Incense smoke wafting in my room

While I take a shit

Phone buzzing constantly

These niggas wanna hit

Beating my dick into a coma

Just to stay faithful

Went through hell to get here

But a nigga’s truly grateful

Walking the street with you that night

Was really the shit

The time with you was a highlight

I must admit

Hanging with the clique I met up with

Acting a straight clown

Drinking way too many hand grenades

Chasing that shit with crown

Head beating like a drum

Brain cells devastated

Met a really dope ass soul

Wish I wouldn’t have waited

Last night solo dolo

Walking down bourbon

Taking it all the history

Mixed with grit and urban

The city owes me nothing

But I’m moving on

Next time I’m back tho

I bet not be alone.