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my happiness - my brother graduating as a chemical engineer

yesterday we gathered in our flat to celebrate him, we had food, drink and lots of fun. i decided not to post a picture, staying faceless and nameless as long as i can.

he was always the typical middle child. lazy, goofy and a rebel. we had our fights but he was always a sweet borther , and we loved each other. i’ve always have been proud to call him my big brother but yesterday i’ve never fel prouder of him.

we are two weeks in 2017 and i just made a resolution i want to keep this year. i want to preserve as much memory as i can. be it as a blog post, or a photo, or just a note i keep. i want to take a lot of pictures :)

new years eve was fun with friends, drinking and playing cards against humanity, as we all had to study a lot the next day we went home half an hour in the next year :D it was worth it though

for the next few days i had to study, on the 4th i went from conservative and i got the easiest 5 i have ever gotten. it was basically me telling my topic, a few questions which i answered and that was it, i was so shocked as it had never happened to me before.

the next day barna and i went home, altough i had crazy lot to study because i had exams on 10 and 11! anyways i am happy i went home, my grandparents were so proud of me i hope i’ll never forget their faces how happy they were for a simple 5 in an exam. we had a really nice lunch with my parents and barna, we pre-ordered we wanted to eat goulash and pancakes :) after that i got back to debrecen i ate the remaining food.

the next day Dad came in to help Barna, while he was at work we did some shopping and for the next few days I was studying. it was really strange because i always felt i didn’t study enough, even on the day before I watched BBC War and Peace (6 hours!!).

on my pediatrics exam i experienced TK’s suffering from the universe (aka Csongor). we don’t know what happened, but something must have happened, because neither before nor after we saw anything like it from him. he kept asking questions, not even related to the topic. i didn’t even know where should we know all those from, but Csongor was keep telling her that she went to high school, she had phisiology, biochemistry, internal medicine , she should know all this. after all she couldn’t even name the hormones of the hypophysis..which was a low point. he asked how she wanted to be called a doctor if she doesn’t know these basic facts. she started crying and he still had some questions she didn’t know the answer to, and after that he gave her a 2, and let her go. he congratulated her on a successfull exam after all it was a pass.. i came after her, i was nervous as shit, but nothing happened!! not even close! i told my topic and he let me go with a 5. i think it was karma, or at least i’d like to think.

that afternoon i was VERY tired, and had no mood to study for next day’s exam, but i had to... eventually i gave up and realized i wouldn’t be able to study everything. luckily i picked two really good topics!!! thank god!! but of course i didn’t know any related questions, first because i was really tired to think, second because i didn’t study that much to have an overall look on the subject, so i got a 4! :-) i am really happy how this exam period turned out.

i met whith the shy resident guy!! he said hi and asked which exam i have, i told him it was oral medicine, and he asked if it wasn’t a 3rd year subject, and i told him no!! that’s oral biology!! he smiled and said ohh this is in place of perio, and i was like yeah!! “oh now i remember, good luck then :-))” thank you bye!! :-) he was really sweet to stop for a moment

this is the earliest i have ever finished an exam period, and with such good grades! i am happy and blessed.

Looking back on 2016

·        1:What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?

·        idk really, it’s sad. i’ve had downs when i had to go to C chance from prostho. i think i did a lot of new things profession-wise but other than that nothing much.

·        2:Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

·        i didn’t have a new year’s resolution. this year (2017) i want to aim for my best self, as i become a dentist this year

·        3:Did anyone close to you give birth?

·        nope

·        4:Did anyone close to you die?

·        no, thank god…

·        5:What countries did you visit?

·        none

·        6:What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016

·        love (it’s sad, it was last years word too)

·        7:What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

·        first time in years i finished earlier in my exam period in the winter i did my first prostho work, for which i got like 8 books, all of them romantic novels from my really sweet patient dr. sweetlove flirted with me in klinika for which i fell in love with him, and after that we kept seeing each other with googly heart eyes dr. shyboy - i met him, and was kinda attracted to him all semester, all year the day i passed my ortho exam - i was crying all day for hours, dad was so worried about me, also because he couldn’t do anything spending my summer with dad at home that one day trip to the arboratory with mom in the fall going to see jesus christ superstar my brother passing the state exam :)

 ·        8:What was your biggest achievement of the year?

·        i’d like to think that my personality formed well

·        9:What was your biggest failure?

·      studying wise a lot

·        10:Did you suffer illness or injury?

·        no

·        11:What was the best thing you bought?

·       birthday present for dora, a onsie

·        12:Whose behaviour merited celebration?

·        mom

·        13:Whose behaviour made you appalled?

·        my group leader in the fall semester

·        14:Where did most of your money go?

·        food probably, and the body shop and that second hand shop

·        15:What did you get really, really, really excited about?

·        getting a job for next year

·        16:What song will always remind you of 2016?

·        rihanna maybe? :D idk

·        17:Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

·        happier, thinner, richer

·        18:What do you wish you’d done more of?

·        loved more, went out more in the summer

·        19:What do you wish you’d done less of?

·        worry, laying in the bed doing nothing waiting for the day to end, cry

·        20:How did you spend Christmas?

·        with family and eating

·        21:Did you fall in love in 2015?

·        noooooooooo L

·        22:What was your favourite TV program?

·        timeless,lucifer,this is us, homeland

·        23:Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

·        no

·        24:What was the best book you read?

·        it’s sad

·        25:What was your greatest musical discovery?

·        spotify brings up all the best

·        26:What did you want and get?

·        i didn’t want anything in particular

·        27:What did you want and not get?

·        love :D

·        28:What was your favourite film of this year?

·        finding nemo 2,

·        29:What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

·        the guy from oral surgery dr. sweetlove and the other shy doctor

·        30:How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

·        getting there

·        31:What kept you sane?

·        knowing that it will be all soon, and i just have to suffer through the hard part

·        32:Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

·        the main character from timeless

·        33:What political issue stirred you the most?

·        bombings

·        34:Who did you miss?

·        someone from beside me

·        35:Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.

·        you have to be honest with yourself and with everyone around you. this is the only way of having an inner peace. if you know what you want you can move towards it, but knowing it you have to be honest with yourself and not fool yourself. you should be thankful for your friends who sorround you and know that they are there for you even when you don’t see them.

·        36:Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

2016 is almost over, and I just realized how long ago was my previous entry.

so today, christmas is just over.. it went so fine :-) only one day with the family but it was worth it. i got a really nice present from my parents, a children’s book about life and death. it has touched my heart, really.

i want to write a bit about this semester, because i skipped all of it, and much happened.

we got dr. mehdi for our teacher, at first she was very harsh, and not symphatic at all. she told us she doesn’t have old patients, because she doesn’t like them, that’s why she doesn’t do RPDs either... it was very odd, and kind of depressing to hear, especially because i like the elderly.

weeks has passed, she had some weird stuff, but eventually she’s grown to like me more, than i her... i think she’s a really hard person to like, but once you know her you’ll like her, and the same goes for her. once she sees who you really are she is very protective and loving..until then you’re no other than the next person. she invited me to work with her on our last practice, which was very kind of her, and very shocking for me..it was a good feedback on my work :) im thinking about accepting it.

the resident guy..the shy one. :) hm we assisted his group in the mornings, and he now knows me.. and on several occasions he tried to flirt with me, even though i know she has his weird looking girlfriend.. that’s why i tried to stop him, but you know what? i liked it. it was harmless and fun and nothing happened. i always looked forward to see him, and i still do. i added him on facebook, so my long lasting urge to know him is done. :D

on the other hand my oral surgery love is still staring at me.he is clearly looking for something. i would gladly give it to him. i really want to go out with him, even for a drink, just to get him know better.

and last thing: i’ve decided. i want to be an oral surgeon. dentoalveolar oral surgeon. im hopeful.

Trying to keep track of my life is harder than I thought, even tho I don’t do anything. Sometimes I get tired, but not that I wouldn’t have 10 minutes to type something about my day. So I’ll just try to summarize this past week and a half.

I’m not sure where I left with the previous entry, but now 2nd week of the practice have ended, with my favourite teacher NL. We found out that he graduated 12 years ago, which means he is at least 35 years old. It was an OK week, I met my love from oral surgary 2 times this week, and now he clearly recognizes me, and knows who I am, I’m gonna get to the end of this. I have to do something about him. Forget him or act on my feelings. Anyhow, the 5th year gonna bring me the answers.

I usually see that resident guy I really like aswell, he’s always so shy with saying hi, which is kinda cute, makes me kinda tingly. :P

About the summer: I am really concerned about my legs, future me , you know why. Also my weight. I don’t want to develop an eating disorder, but I feel like I am on the track. I feel really bad after eating a good meal, and always counting how much should I eat.

Mom and Dad are fine, Grandma and Grandpa I am worried about. Hopefully they’ll be fine.

Maybe I should continue the one sentiment a day thingy.

Dora got engaged to his boyfriend. I don’t know about you, future me, but I’m pissed. He’s clearly not for her, he’s hardly ideal to anyone. Anyhow I couldn’t even congratulate I was shocked, I think I’ll never forget that moment she told me. I don’t know how to act when he’s mentioning him, and now it’s even harder. I feel like he’s fooling her, lurin her in some kind of trap, tricking her into thinking their relationship has a future. They wouldn’t get married until Dora gets her degree, and if so, why bother getting engaged so soon? What does he have to prove? Why is he doing this? Anyhow, this is ridicoulous.

In the next post I1m going to write about the exam period. It was exhausting, and I had a lot of mixed feelings.

Today was the first day of my 4th year practice. It was a strange feeling. 2 years ago I was here, on the assisting practice, adoring the 4th years students. Watching their moves and listening to their stories, and now I’m on the other end. I hope I can help the assisting students as much I can and give them some good advice.

The teachers are pretty good!! Ms. Sz M, Mr. N L my love :D, Ms. T. I, aka Ms Piggy and Mr. P. L the future dean :D

There are only 3 hungarian students and it’s weird, why only 3 of us chose this as our practice place, however in 4th year there were like a TON of students. We are running low on members in the year, but it’s still not much. I remember, 2 years ago I was really tired, my legs hurt, now I’m almost as exhausted, however I didn’t do much.

yesterday we were assisting again, and i just checked if i have written anything about the resident guy in the previous post...and of course i did. my eyes are always on boys...somehow.

i saw his girlfriend ans she’s really not pretty. i tried not to be mean but she’s not special at all. and he was so nice to me yesterday...altough he looks like he really likes his girlfriend which is of course good...but come on. so i tried to be nice to him, and he was nice to me. and i caught him looking at me ;) he was asking me stuff how do we say things in english so it was nice. and we did have a strange looking at each other when we were discussing an x ray and he looked back to me and didn’t expect me to be so close, and i didn’t expect him to look back so we were like really close. and he looked in my eye and got really nervous and looked away quickly. he was so cute.

i was thinking about what if he thinks of me when he’s with his girlfriend.

i saw him today too, and he was really careful not to look at me, but he did notice me...it was weird but....whatever i don’t know him or why he does things.

i had 3 cups of today.

something’s starting. i hope it’s studying and not just wasting time with more energy. :D

8th week. yesterday was easter monday, friday is my birthday.

I should be studying, perio stuff. I am really tired....idk what to do. I think I like this new resident guy. He’s making me go crazy, but he’s so cute. I like him. He’s the perfect height for me. He works with the prostho department, and he just finished uni last year. So he may be 2 to 4 years older than me. Perfect. I really want to get to know him, just enough so I can decide if he’s a no go or a go go.

We had our last assistance day a month ago, and then he was there aswell....and I was hoping that today he’s going to come, and he did. and I was sooooo happy. I think I’m going to say hi from now on when we meet. He did look at me with wanting to say hi. How nice it’d be if he didn’t have a girlfriend, I could fuck it up myself :D

Easter was horrible, with my birthday coming up my parents wanted to buy me a golden ring, and I said no, partly because I don’t wear any rings or bracelets. Then they told me to choose an earring, but I didn’t want them to spend so much money on an aerring. I’m not materialistic girl, but I know I hurt my parents with refusing their gift. Then my mom was acting up about it, and it made me cry, because I tried to explain to them why I didn’t want it, but instead my mom hurt me aswell, so I just ended up crying in my room, and falling asleep early for 4 days, and waiting to get back to Debrecen.

2016 March 6th.

Jesus, I should have written a long time ago. Okay, so where to start. Last post was on december 26th, so I guess I’ll write a few words about New years’s Eve.

It was a last minute, well not last minute but we haven’t really planned anything other than studying, but then I went over to Dóri, to celebrate, and it turned out to be a really fun evening. I liked it, and it was so far the best new year’s I’ve been to as I can remember, nothing fancy, just us hanging out. I’ve never liked new years, because of the pressure it puts on you to have fun!! this is the last day of the year!! new beginning, it must be great!!..well no, not when it’s in the exam period.

Okay, so I guess I know why I haven’t kept up with this diary throughout January, I pretty much studied all day, and went to the gym. So I had 8 exams, failed one by my love, but I went back to him and he gave me a 5. Anyway, I finished a week and a half earlier, and that’s when I should have written something, but I didn’t.

New semester started, I have a new teacher now at complex, she’s nice but I’m not very sure she’s going to stay this way.  Everything’s going fine these days, I still miss having someone, I don’t know why I can’t fall in love with anyone. Marica told me the first day we got back to school that she got together with a boy, because the guy saw Marica and he liked her, they went on dates and boom they are together, like what the ...does this happen?? well obviously not to me. I’m happy she found someone, I just can’t help thinking about myself..yeah I know, selfish.

There’s a girl and a boy with Erasmus studying with us now, and I try to help them a lot, the guy looks fineee :P but I haven’t talked to him yet to know if he’s nice or not.

I saw a fucking handsome guy at the gym yesterday, he looked like Mr. G, my favourite oral surgeon and I almost had an AMI on the steps, and he kept looking at me and it was flattering...I was so happy I had a good skin day :P

Oh and something I wanted to write: there was a dental party on the 3rd week, and it was going on nicely as it always does, and then a gorgeous looking guy stepped to me and said the worst line ever: ‘you look like you’re the type  of girl who takes care of their friends not to drink so much’ and i laughed terribly because he just didn’t know, i told him i probably drink as much as all my friends combined and he seemed impressed...i don’t know if that’s the trait i want to impress guys in the future. anyway we chatted, then i left, and did not regret it ever since, on the contrary i am happy i didn’t clinge onto him like i did with Mr. G...

It’s december 26th.

I am grateful for my family. I love them. Xmas was fun, it’s a lot different than it was when I was a kid but I still love it just the same. I went home to see my grandparents aswell. I am worried because my granddad is not in a good shape, and because of this neither is my grandma. I so wish they would get better!!

Ok so the semester sort of ended, exams begin, and I just want to say some thing about this semester. First of all: Cinti is the biggest surprise. She told me a few days ago she’s going to thank God that I was lead into her life and that we became such good friends. And we really did. We just care about each other and it happened so quickly, I mean 4 months? that’s insane. I am grateful for her, because I didn’t really have new friends in the past few years, and I kept losing my old friends. Not only by their fault.. we just didn’t asked about one another.

The semester was drastic, dramatic etc. I learned so much just by being in the field and working a few hours every week. Now I really have to study for my exams, I probably won’t get tuition but ...I’m sort of OK with that.

No guys,...still..there’s that foreign guy who keeps liking my insta photos and showed genuine interest in me keeps poking my mind..I mean why would he do that? And there’s still that old crush I share with my friend. I keep thinking about sending a friend request. What do I wait for? I mean it’s christmas so I’ll probs wait a few more days. :D

Everyone’s getting engaged at christmas!! what the fuck?? why? If anyone would want to ask me on christmas I would be so mad!! That’s already a fucking holiday man. I don’t want my engagement day to be at christmas?! how would I celebrate it? It could be a brand new day in mid May and we could celebrate it every year with a date night or something! It’s horrible.

I feel so sick just by thinking about this, why does it bother me? Am I so dry and pessimistic I can’t be happy for someone else?...who knows! :D

I just read my plans for this year, I mean for 2015, and I think I accomplished a lot of things. I learned a lot, partied a lot, had fun, laughs, made new friends, kept the old ones...and I think I’ve grown a lot. I just mentioned it to Cinti the other day, that I might not be friends with her if our practice would have been a year ago. Because I would not have been this mentality. I’d like to think I changed a lot, but probably not.

I still say I hate everyone, but in reality I don’t. I just dislike them in huge groups when no one’s acting as they are really, because everyone wants to fit in. But when I’m with them one on one I like them so much. Well not everybody obviously...future me knows it probably aswell who they are...

I missed a lot of entries again. I just really want to write about this week. I feel it should be well memorised, and not forgotten. I really liked this week and I liked myself in this week. I’ll tell you why.

Last Sunday I decided that on the 12th week I will not get angry, I will be chill and balanced. I will focus on the things that really matter: Friday and Saturday.

On Friday we celebrated my most meaningful friendships I have. Csilla, Betti, Szilvike and my very best friend Dóri. I will not say that my other friends are nothing like them, but these 4 girls mean so much to me, because we share so many nice memories that nothing will come close to it. We spent our high school years together mostly laughing through our 4 years. And for us to celebrate it together after 3 years is such a meaningful present to me, and I’m not even a birthday girl. And the most special gift was Betti of all. I was so happy she was there. We can’t see much of her lately, but I’m happy she’s back in my life, because I missed her terribly. (it makes me so emotional I’m on the edge of crying) It wasn’t exactly the night I imagined, it could have been better in many ways, but after all I will remember it just as beautiful as it was, and as our years together are. Laughing, drinking, loving each other.

Saturday my brother became a doctor. We knew it for a while he’s going to get there, but the time was uncertain for long. And now that is here I couldn’t be more proud of him. I still remember the Sunday afternoons when everyone was shouting as he was getting ready to come back to the university. Those were some stressful weekends, but looking back it makes my cry and laugh at the same time. I was so little I didn’t even know what he was doing there, but I remember that I was also so proud to mention to my friends that my brother goes to university. And after all these years as I am on the path to be a doctor myself, I am even more proud.

I am happy.

For a lot of things actually...but for now I am happy for my friends, and for my big brother...and that I remained balanced and I didn’t let anything get me down all week. I was tired but thankful for having them in my life.

Okay so I missed a lot of entries. The previous one was on the 4th week and in two days time it’s already the 10th week.

Today I went to the gym and studied. That’s all.

So what happened in the last few weeks. I want to be completeley honest, because when I’ll read it back I want to know exactly how I felt at this time. So this semester is harder than I thought. I haven’t given much credit to it but it is hard, I don’t have as much free time as I want to , and I’m always tired to study on weekdays.

Ok so about studying and school: I always feel I should know a lot more than I already am and that I’m so behind on everything. The practice is horrible, and it’s not because of me, but I’m the one who sucks... My teacher is all kinds of asshole and it’s horrible to work with. I feel I don’t learn anything, and I’m wasting this semester on this idiot. I know I should learn on my own then, but the potential!! There are patients on whom I could study and learn, and instead it’s just suffering through 4 hours of this-and-that.

Cinti and I get along really well, we mostly talk over the same stuff all the time, but we chat a lot. Every day even for hours sometimes. And yesterday she told me she would be devestated if she lost me as someone she can talk to about stuff she can’t discuss with anyone else. And that she’s happy she found me. And it made me feel so happy, and appreciated.

Ildi asked me to go shopping with her, because she needed my advice. :-) It was nice of her, and I will go, but she’s getting on my nerves lately. I hope I can discuss it with her.

I miss Regina a lot, she’s on holiday and we haven’t talked in a long time, and I miss a good laugh with her and her thoughts on stuff. I really like talking through things with her..I actually never thought we’d be this close.

And about that thing....I have a crush on him,too... and it doesn’t pain me to talk about it with her, I mean that she has a crush on him. I don’t see them together, so it’s like fantasy for her (as it is for me) but it’s meaningless so it doesn’t bother me... but I do want him to recognize me, to see him more often, to chat maybe or something. I know it’s stupid, but a few weeks ago I really wanted someone to think of and now that I have I don’t really like it because the reality is so far away.

I should write more often, even what happened to me this week.

Maybe I can recall what happened this week. Monday: I went to surgery class, not as bad as I thought it would be, than waited a long time with Kitti, Fanni and Evi for the next class which turned out to be cancelled. Then I headed home for lunch and went back to dermatology which was OK. Kitti tried to convince me to go to her place on Wednesday to drink and to go  to a party afterwards and I really didn’t want to. After class I went to the gym. When I got home I tried to study some ortho for next day’s practice but I just couldn’t. Tuesday: I should have studied more the previous day, because the ortho class was horrible and worse than that. We found out how little we know of the subject, I don’t know nothing of it. Really Afternoons practice was even worse...let’s not recall it. It wasn’t my fault though.. Wednesday: was OK, had all the classes, which was new..then I got home...I don’t think I studied but I probably did something. Maybe I chatted with Cinti I guess, then I went to English class. I got my results back, and I scored 97% on the test I haven’t studied for. So thank god. Thursday: Nothing interesting in the morning, in the afternoon I had pharmacology test, which was a group test probably. I sat in the first row and still managed to copy, or find every answer...not always the best, but it should be good. I planned to go to gym lately but I skipped and had some macaroni instead. Friday: Best practice with best teacher ever. I love him, really. Not in a romantic way but he’s so nice and kind. He let us go after 1,5 hours which is crazy good. Then Marica and I went to the oral surgery department to get her sutures removed. It was nice to see that we only have to wear the right clothes and we get stuff done in 6 minutes or less. Mom and I went to our shop and bought some clothes, then I was planning to go the gym but I felt sick all afternoon and evening. Saturday: today, I felt so much better, went to gym and studied...