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written for @provocative-envy. i read silt when i had never even watched an episode. months later, i am now theonsa trash.
notes: title from an excerpt from a victor hugo poem which roughly translates to "my heart has far more fire than you can frost to chill; my soul more love than you can make my soul forget." yes i am crying
The wolf sits on the side of his neck, its snout raised in a silent howl. Its body curls around his jawbone, its nose just brushing the tip of his ear. When he was younger, he thought it was for Robb.
Some people's marks are easy to hide, on a lower pectoral or thigh or tricep. Not Theon's, no, not his, he's been wearing his heart on his neck since he was four years old. He knows it's the reason he's still alive, knows that Ned Stark saw it, understood, and kept him instead of his brothers.
Robb, though. Theon loved him first.
---
The concept is achingly simple and horribly complicated. Humankind has been trying to figure it out for centuries. Every person is born with a mark, somewhere on them. It signifies who you're destined for.
That's the simple part. The complicated part: figuring out who exactly it is that your mark is for. Theon was luckier than most â or perhaps unluckier, given the circumstances. The wolf, what it signified, was always obvious:Â Stark. His father distrusted him for it, maybe even hated him for it when Ned Stark killed two Greyjoy sons and Theon was left standing.
Figuring out the wolf meant Stark was easy. Which one, though â that was the hard part.
---
The thing is, falling in love with Robb was as easy as breathing. Why look at any other Starks when there was Robb, beautiful, brave, first son, as honorable as his father and as clever as his mother? It was Robb, and it would always be Robb for Theon. Theon had loved him for as long as he could remember, quiet, worshipful. Robb inspired that kind of devotion in people.
Theon thought he knew. He knew nothing.
---
When they storm Winterfell, Theon does so thinking that it is the end.
When he mounts two heads on pikes, Theon does so knowing that it is the end.
Everything that comes after, well. Nobody can say he didn't deserve it, right?
---
What people don't understand is some horrible part of Theon wanted to become Reek. Wanted to not think, to not speak, to not have to choose, because every decision he had made up to that point had always ended up hurting someone. To forget himself was a gift. Robb was dead and Theon was never going to be able to apologize, Theon was never going to be able to say, Robb, look, Theon was never going to be able to say anything at all because Robb was dead and had died hating Theon. What was the point?
Loved by nobody, not by his men, not by his father, not even by the one who was fated to love him. Theon Turncloak, who looked his soulmate in the eye and betrayed him. Prince of Fools, who could take a castle but not hold it. Theon Kinslayer, who murdered his should-be brothers.
The turn of events â they're not ideal, certainly. But it's nothing more than karma paying him back tenfold. And Theon is...surviving.
And then Sansa comes.
---
Theon thinks he remembers Sansa. Pretty, foolish Sansa who followed Joffrey Baratheon around like a lost puppy and never spared Theon a second look. The Sansa he had known had not yet watched her father die, had not thought all her family dead, had not been married to Lord Ramsay Bolton. This Sansa...He looks at her and all he can think is steel.
Watching Sansa and Ramsay, it's like his heart starts beating again. For the first time in a long time, Theon wants to think again. To speak. He wants the ability to make a choice, a change, something that is anything but this.
Because this Sansa, he doesn't know her. But her eyes meet his as she lies beneath Bolton, and Theonâ
Theon's neck tingles.
---
For weeks, Theon shadows Sansa around the castle, watching her. He won't talk to her, no, he's far too afraid for that. But something's shifting inside him, deep, slow, more flowing magma than violent eruption. He watches her, and he wants. Wants what, he's not sure yet.
He watches, and waits to figure it out.
---
This Sansa, the one he does not know, clutches his hand like a lifeline when they jump the rampart.
He lets himself clutch back.
---
There's a wolf on Theon's neck that curls around his neck and his jawbone. Scars mar its face and body, but it is still distinctly, indubitably a wolf. When he was younger, he thought it was for Robb.
no man could ever satisfy me bc steve rogers started a war for james buchanan barnes and no romantic gesture could ever match up to that that has set the fucking standard for me
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iâm like [this is a love story] [if we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known] [self recognition through The Other] [itâs rotten work not to me not if itâs you] [donât you think there is always something unspoken between two people?] [ON PURPOSE, ON PURPOSE I AM GOING TO CARE ABOUT YOU] [donât you think maybe they are the same thing? love and attention?] [i will take good care of you i will take good care of you everything you feel is good if you would only let you] [iâd take care of you if youâd asked me to in a year or two]
live-action modern day âthe lion kingâ
NEW YORK, 1960s. The civil rights movement reaches its crest. Mufasa, a prominent activist leader in the city, clashes against his younger brother Scar, himself a prominent leader of the mafia underground. Politics against politics, brother against brother; Mufasa dies, Scar reigns. A new law governs New York in the 70s: blood and bribery.
Idris Elba as Mufasa, Michael K. Williams as Scar, Naomie Harris as Sarabi, Jaden Smith as Young Simba, Amandla Stenberg as Young Nala (not giffed), Taraji P. Henson as Timon, Mo'Nique as Pumbaa, Chiwetel Ejiofor as Older Simba, Kerry Washington as Older Nala, John Boyega as Kovu, Zoe Kravitz as Kiara.
2 am summertime depression, a very long playlist of music that hits very different at 2 am (feat. Lana Del Rey, Lauren Aquilina, boygenius)
canât stand to be where you donât see me, for songs about wanting someone to look at you when they wonât (feat. MARINA, Soccer Mommy, King Princess)
i donât want to be your fucking dog, a playlist for giving more than you ever get (feat. BANKS, PVRIS, Phoebe Bridgers)
in your car the radio up, for the final moments of a relationship (feat. Bad Bad Hats, Lorde, Sara Bareilles)
soul ascending final choruses, for when the final chorus comes in and changes your entire life (feat. Meg Myers, Florence + the Machine, Ms Mr)
womanhood is about yelling, for absolutely heartwrenching music to screech along to in the car (feat. Paramore, Lucy Dacus, Mitski)
iâll care for myself the way I used to care about you, a playlist for high quality ex disses (feat. Sabrina Carpenter, Lizzo, Little Mix)
do you ever yearn? a yearning mixtape (feat. Mitski, Vance Joy, Hozier)
funny how I still forgot, a playlist for seeing someone you use to love (feat. Harry Styles, Camila Cabello, Kodaline)
the inherent politicization of tenderness, a longer playlist for love as something specifically revolutionary (feat. Carly Rae Jepsen, Hozier, Janelle Monae)
donât read the last page but i stay, aka the peak tenderness playlist (feat. The Civil Wars, Ella Henderson, Taylor Swift)
just had a change of heart, a playlist about the feeling that someone has gone, they needed to be, and now you need to pick up the pieces (feat. The 1975, Hayley Kiyoko, Walk the Moon)
Iâm in love, Iâm alive, oh Iâm burning, a playlist about radical joy (feat. Bleachers, Kacey Musgraves, Maggie Rogers)
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a philosophical starting point: pick 2 âdark neutralâ colors to comprise your suit separates and then buy everything in duplicate. navy is always a good choice. as for black, you will see a lot of your fellow summer analysts in black. i chose black. in retrospect, i would have gone with charcoal. itâs wack for men to wear black suits to work, so all the men wear gray or navy. the japanese analysts go all out in pinstripes.
pick 2 âlight neutralâ colors to complement your âdark neutralâ palette. i was a little unfocusedâŚtaupe, white and heather gray.
When shopping, do cotton, âsummer woolâ, âfour-season stretch.â Donât do wool suiting, silk, camel/white skirts (explained below)
Not Worth:
- Theory suit separates. theyâre cut incredibly conservatively and a little âolder.â
- Equipment silk blouses. theyâre see-thru so you will need a nude base layer and as you will find out, long-sleeved silk in the humid NYC summer commute is the definition of suffering.
- Manolo BB 105. Some women do wear them with pencil skirts and the like but I think theyâre a tad too high to be practical. If you must, get the 70 instead!
Worth:
- Uniqlo merino wool cardigans
- J Crew* cotton shells
- J Crew blazers, Cameron slim cropped pants in ur regular size
- J Crew cotton pencil skirts
- classic cut Theory work dresses (my betty 2b is AMAZING)
- Gianvito Rossi 85mm heels (for summer: nude patent + black leather. super comfy and the sole is more flexible than most which gives your foot a wider range of motion. the black suedes are so soft + works best in the winter with tights)
- Longchamp Neo, black or beige. Or alternatively,
- Madewell Transport tote
*I only ever buy anything at J. Crew when they have their 30-40% off promo codes. They happen quite frequently.
Proceed at your own risk:
- Camel or grey pencil skirts. They show sweat very easily. I will never unsee the puddle of sweat âdown thereâ on a woman who got out of the subway and into work ahead of me.
- Louboutins. My recruiter wore the fififa and rocked them. Someone in my analyst class got the iriza i think in the 70/85 height. Itâs a good look until youâre 10 minutes late for a 30-min analyst class sit-down with someone in the C-suite.
- Perfume. Chanel perfumes especially have incredible sillage but please no.
- H&M, Zara anything. You will end up donating everything you bought there in your second year and thatâs a waste of a lot of money. Buy things once but buy quality.
Fun things:
- Gucci loafers. Black. Aka âdeal sledsâ
- Designer bag for off-duty. Hermes and Chanel will endure, Gucci is fun for right-now
- Bright ânetworking event outfitsâ a la Barbara Corcoran
ADDENDUM:
Interview in your navy pantsuit, white shell.
I donât really wear white with black, and have not found out a way to gracefully wear the colors together without looking like either a waiter or a spy. Lmk if u find the answer.
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Studies suggest How may I help you officer? is the single most disarming thing to say and not Whatâs the problem? Studies suggest itâs best the help reply My pleasure and not No problem. Studies suggest itâs best not to mention problem in front of power even to say there is none. Gloria Steinem says women lose power as they age and yet the loudest voice in my head is my mother. Studies show the mother we have in mind isnât the mother that exists. Mine says: What the fuck are you crying for? Studies show the baby monkey will pick the fake monkey with fake fur over the furless wire monkey with milk, without contest. Studies show to negate something is to think it anyway. Iâm not sad. Iâm not sad. Studies recommend regular expressions of gratitude and internal check-ins. Enough, the wire mother says. History is a kind of study. History says we forgave the executioner. Before we mopped the blood we asked: Lord Judge, have I executed well? Studies suggest yes. What the fuck are you crying for, officer? the wire mother teaches me to say, while studies suggest Solmaz, have you thanked your executioner today?
â Solmaz Sharif, âSocial Skills Training,â published in Buzzfeed
amandla
turnnoffyourmind
romaincrisis
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
