dude lemme be something

Actually this really isn't a story this is me just writing something in the hopes that out there somebody somewhere would take the time to actually read this. In advance I apologize for my improper grammar. I've never been good at writing. Well life update since I feel as if I have disappeared from some things in my life such as just happiness. This was led up by a girl in high school who had a shitty self esteem and admiteddly relied on a boyfriend to be her emotional support and everything. Daddy issues to the max to be honest, but with all that aside I think I am finally getting my shit together. It's fucking amazing. I mean of course it's not perfect I have been really neglecting on practicing and maintaining my studies, but sadly I think I will need to end some of my activities just to ensure that I get things that I need to do done. Aside from that I have been doing really well with furthering myself. This past year I searched for help with my anxiety and depression and on the way to effectively like being able to function again. First semester I hit the wall really fucking hard after being told that I had carpal tunnel in my left wrist and being a classical guitarist finally falling in love wiht everything was heart breaking. A lot of things went south that semester and I was really alone and scared. Shit honestly sucked a lot. Plus school wasn't super easy for me. Having no prior music education like in a classroom definetly kicked my ass and still does when jumping into the collegiate level of the subject. Moving onto the good shit. I'm doing things and healing myself. I admit that my family experience was not a normal one and realized that the verbal abuse still can effect you no matter the form. Hoard eating and emotional eating has assisted in my immense weight gain. Realizing that I will be unhealthy very soon to the point were I will be stricken with illness that are conjoined with such a unhealthy weight could really destroy the happiness I have found a motivation to finally create for myself. On April 13 of this past year I finally went vegan. It had been something I was planning to do for years, but never had the guts to do it. At first it was a way to kick my ass into getting healthy with working out and such but now it's something completely different. I never feel guilty about the food that I eat. I have always loved animals, but it wasn't just the guilt to the animals it was also to myself. I was feeding myself these processed, unnatural, and just the product of a corrupted system due to the greed and the high demand that nature doesn't have enough time to defeat. Now, I am happy when I eat and I just don't eat as much from this tranisiton my binge eating and just the portions I consume have decreased imensely and it isn't that I am starving myself I'm full and all the food has amazing flavor. To be honest that is one of the things that has always irritated me the people who say there isn't any flavor and that could not be further from the truth. Since I have gone vegan and being back home I have forced myself to go to the gym. I don't rue it or hope for it to be over I encourage myself to push my times and enjoy the empty space in my mind when I'm just running to music or just focusing on my breath pattern. All in all shit is going better and I can proudly say that since I believe January I have lost 25 pounds and to say that gives me the largest weight of off my shoulder. I catch myself smiling now, I can't remember the last time I did that.