Tumblr's Cursed Cafe

[SPECIAL BY-THE-BOOK RECIPES]

Do-Over Doppio

Body And Mind Booster

Cut N Paste Potion

Crushing Chai

Eye Drop Potion

Mind Mover

Charming Chai

Macabre Mud Slide Mixture

Despairful Thoughts Potion

Stealth Enhancement Potion

Vocal Vibrator Tonic

Magical Might Enhancing Potion

Painkiller Tonic

Heart Stopper Potion

Speed Enhancement Potion

Omnicde Herbicide Haze Potion

Fortified Shift Shake In A Genie Lamp

"I've recieved no word of any mutations breaking out at around the Cursed Cafe. Did they catch the contamination and throw it out? If so, then the stealth operation was a failure!"

[Shredder steps into an elevator and presses the DOWN button. As it goes down, the elevator suddenly rattles and comes to a halt, all light and power vanishing from it. Shredder's cellphone starts buzzing.]

"This infernal ringing! And why must he stop my ride down to my underbelly lair? He already has my full attention!"

[Shredder presses a special button on his phone and a holographic emblem is projected from out of its screen.]

"The Mutagen has not been produced in the way you promised it would be, Shred-Head."

[The Lightbringer's voice comes out heavily modulated and almost Dalek-sounding.]

"It leans a bit towards being disengeuous when you say I promised you anything exactly, Powah Broker. At least anything today. I promised I would get magic-powered Mutagen created at the Cursed Cafe, but that was never going to be simple to accomplish."

"You signed a contract that gives you a window of time exactly within two weeks to get that Mutagen made for me. That is fair, is it not?"

"Completely fair, Powah Broker. And I assure you, swear to you even, that should I not have that Mutagen ready by the end of this week, then I will ensure that it is ready by the dawning of the week after!"

"I am going to choose to have confidence that you will hold yourself to that, Saki-San. And if you value your Foot Clan underlings, you will. Powah Broker does not like waiting for too long, as I am sure you've become well aware."

[Powah Broker's emblem fades and the elevator comes alive again.]

"Hey, Potionista. Did you think I wasn't gonna notice that special little surprise you slipped into my Combustea today?"

"Uuuuh, huh? No, I didn't think you'd notice anything that I didn't even notice! What surprise are you talking about?"

"Didn't you know? The cream you put into the tea was laced with toxic chemicals. The kind that creates a mutative substance."

"What? That's not how I remember that cream being when I first picked it up in the stock of new ingredients!"

"My guess would be that someone pulled a stealth operation to contaminate the cream without you even noticing it."

"Did it happen last night? Who could've done it?" Wait....Shredder was talking about Mutagen yesterday, wasn't he?"

"I'm just here for the coffee today."

"You need stimulation as you're pursuing your next big story?"

"I have methods of stimulating my mind that don't require beverages or magic. This is just a morning stop I'm making."

"I'm willing to bet you don't even have a next big story to pursue. You're writing stuff down to carry the appearance of an important journalist but you're still in the small leagues - better not forget that!"

"That's what's known in my world as conjecture, and it's not always correct. For all you know, I'm working my way up to a report that will shake the City of Villains to its foundations, and you might even be part of it. All the information you think is secret may already be mine!"

"Doubtful. My closet doesn't come down unless I drag the skeletons out myself to show folks by choice."

"Hiya! Name's Satoko Houjo, and I like having nice, fairly secluded places to hang in. I sure liked what I heard about this cafe!"

"You look a little too young to be coming to cafes like this and paying for stuff yourself."

"But I looked up the directions to this place and brought my own cash and everything. You wouldn't turn me down just because I'm a kid, would you?"

"That wouldn't really be my call to make. Not suggesting you can't be a credible villain at your age, I just wasn't sure what to make of you."

"Well if you must know, I'm 12 years old - that's one year short of being a whole teenager, and I'm also quite refined and mature for my age."

"Yeah, that makes sense to me, but you still had to have been granted permission from your legal guardians to come here on your own, right?"

"I don't got any legal guardians. Both of my parents are dead, the village elders dumped me off to one of the three great families' home, my bum of an uncle is hardly around and when he is, I'm the one who's gotta take care of him."

"Wow. Even for a little orphan girl, that sounds like a lot to handle."

"Heheheh. Worry you not, fair maid - I've gotten accustomed to it."

"Oooh, I think I wanna try out a Golden Honey Latte Potion along with some sausage biscuits and gravy!"

"HEY! I'm RIGHT OVER HERE, y'know! I'm your newest customer!"

"Didn't notice you 'cause of your size. Lemme guess, you need a Size Enlargement Potion?"

"Actually no, but if you could throw one in as a little free bonus for my first day here I'd be very appreciative!"

"So you came here for something else? Something darker, maybe?"

"Only as dark as my desires for CITY-WIDE CONQUEST! I, Sheldon J. Plankton, will drink my way to finding the perfect formula! A formula for a formula, gaining me what I've always wanted!"

"So what you seem to be suggesting is that you wanna combine a bunch of different brews together to make a real powerful blend, but to use it to dominate the City? Sounds like a soggy plan to me."

"I suppose you lost your comprehension skills along with your eyesight, buddy. You have it all wrong. That's not what I meant at all."

"What I want is to find me a magic formula so powerfully enticing that it'll force Krabs clawed crustacious hand to trade my the secret Krabby Patty formula! Once I have it, the Chum Bucket will conquer the whole dang industry in the City and beyond! Oh, and you get to keep the other formula."

"You just want a burger recipe from your competitor? I think it'd be way easier to just take a potion that can cut the knowledge of that secret right from out of his head."

"YES! If you have such a concoction, then I WILL HAVE IT!"

"Alrighty then. You know how it works once you drink it down, no?"

"She's....definitely something. Not sure I'm wild about the new look, but I guess it suits a cafe for no goodniks. She radiates this crazy unpleasantness now, like sweet honey that's not only fermented but poisoned. Kind of making me regret the bullets I took for her..."

"Well, kind of, anyway. Akane was my friend and Kizuna was always pissing me off, so I'd kill Kizuna to preserve Akane's innocence in a heartbeat. Of course I now see the ironic truth that Akane never was innocent to start with. But I still saw her as my friend, and gave her my word that she could depend on me to come through for her. That really did mean something to me. Maybe it still does."

"Ugh. Don't have to tell me that. God! That I got punished and scorned for the action I took against that skanky ass maid even when not only was I just trying to play the game we were all forced into playing the best way that I could but could've prematurely ended the game right there and then had I gotten lucky still cheeses me off!"

"I was fucking rolling when we learned the truth in the Underworld. I made an attempt on the life of the game's co-mastermind, and Ayame then just had to run interference for said co-mastermind. Though I guess kudos to her for also trying to nail the bitch in the class trial, even going off of the groundwork I'd unwittingly laid for her by writing MAID in my blood when I was sure that the Maid had done me in."

"Uh, I have to be blunt - this strikes me as a pretty odd thing to say. Yeah, I personally know those girls, but in the City of Villains everyone who knows each other has wronged one another in the past, because when you're all villains, someone always wrongs someone else. That's just the way I've learned it goes."

"Kizuna's attempt on my life doesn't even really bother me anymore. It was honestly a lot more comical than traumatic. Not to mention she's such a plastic little stupidhead that she apparently forgot my name when she'd wanted to identify me as her killer by writing her dying message in her blood."

"And then she tries adding an X to "MAID" to clear me, as though she expected all of us to get that it meant "It wasn't the maid who killed me, so don't go suspecting her!" Who even does that? Ayame might've gotten all of us in that trial due to Kizuna's bloody iliteracy!"

"Outrageous! Why has there been no Mutageen Oozy Smoothie added to this establishment's menu?"

"I'm sorry, a what are you saying ought to be here?"

"A Mutagen Oozy Smoothie! A smoothy with magical mind altering particles made of body altering Mutagen, just as it sounds like."

"It really tickles my funnybone that you think you ought to come to a quaint little joint like this in order to find Mutagen. It's like so common elsewhere. We got Mutagen back in the Undercity I come from - it's called Shimmer! Maybe you ought to try it some time!"

"Impudent girl! I do not wish to consume Mutagen myself!"

"See, when you enter this cafe and go up to the front counter to order something, it's usually something you'd like in your mouth and, uh, I'm just assuming you've got one. Unless you have friends who're into doping up on Mutagen and you want to get some rounds for 'em?"

"What I wish to use the Mutagen for is none of your concern. I will have a Lemon-Lime-Licoriche Frappe Potion made for me in the meantime, but I very much request your Potionista restock his ingredients and look to adding Mutagen to the menu."

"And here I was considering getting that exact same thing to guzz down, but now it just feels weird, y'know?"

"So you're just going to leave without having had anything at all?"

"Heh. I would do that....buuuuut not today. I'll take a Mind Transfer Potion and a Fried Egg Sandwich to go, but no pinky promise I'll pay you for 'em!"

"Greetings, Cafe Potionista. I don't normally leave my more online, digital dominions, but for this I made an exception as I've been hearing oh so much about it."

"I dig that digital drip you're wearing! You're a real spiffy dresser who knows how to immediately make an impression."

"Well, naturally. I am the Digimon Emperor, the most perfect and evolved of human beings and the one destined to rule over the entire Digital World."

"Oh, so you're royalty, and an emperor at that!"

"Indeed, that is so. But I wasn't born to any royal bloodline, and did not inherit the empire I've been building. I was simply born a special child, one who never belonged with all the ordinary dullards I had to share the real world with. That's why I set my eyes on the Digital World to be my realm to conquer and do with as I please."

"Pardon my interruption, master, but you're talking a bit more than you should. You haven't had any tea or coffee yet."

"Of course I haven't, Wormmon. The whole reason I came here was so that I could get something along those lines to drink!"

"Oh I know but don't you think you're going to also want one of the magic potions they offer? Could work wonders in bringing down your blood pressure and erratic energy levels."

"Ordinarily for humans, coffee will increase their energy while tea will soothe them. But as I just said, I'm far from an ordinary human."

"Therefore, I wish to see what a coffee AND a tea taken alongside a Pilfer of Power! A triple dose of power to match my greatness!"

"Those three drinks will be prepared in tandem with each other before you can even count three minutes!"

"Good day. I'm here for a morning cup of swamp water. Or do you not have that at this cafe?"

"Afraid we don't. Anything swampy we carry is an ingredient."

"Mmmm, I see. And you could not just pour that into a cup and serve it as that day's special beverage?"

"We could do that, but even then, to make it really special it's got to typically be blended with something else. Something more magical."

"Magical, you say? Well then maybe I'll instead go for a Macabre Mud Slide Mixture. Not too far off, is it?"

"Is that what you want me to tell the Potionista to fix up for you? A Macabre Mud Slide Mixture?"

"Oh you already did tell him to. Just now. I'm simply waiting for him to put it together so it can be served to me."

"Real smooth - I can hear him getting to it already! And who is the order being made out to, my reptilian amigo?"

"Apologies if I'm a day late. Sometimes the weekend keeps me at bay with other matters....but from the look of it, it delievered another matter for the lot of you as well."

"What, like you didn't know? You really going to tell me that you had nothing at all to do with sending those two girls our way?"

"I knew they'd be here because I took a look into the future and saw them here. I'd nothing to do with actually bringing them to the City or to the Cafe. Hawk Moth is the one to ask about it - he probably cut a deal with Hades to give new life to them via partial Akumatization."

"So these variants really were dead and in THAT underworld?"

"Well y'know how this domain. You hear a dark and really out there possibility, you should probably assume its truth."

"At least you seemed to brew a larger pot of coffee than usual since they came in so early and unexpectedly. Works in my favor."

"So do you even need to inquire anything? You know we had Mothers Day, International Tea Day, and World Turtle Day in here, and Jafar got a resolution on his WyshCoin quest. Otherwise, most of the remainder of May was spent on the new feature you personally installed when you were here last!"

"And have you been having your fun with that?"

"Oh, you bet I have been."

"Then all seems to be going well. I will pay your salary and we carry on until the end of this month."

"Who even is that creepy looking old dude? He's gotta be like the town mayor or something because that muddy mop of his alone is giving off sinister vibes. Real sinister rich guy vibes."

"Sorry, do I got this right - you've been stayin' in that City of Villains place and workin' here since your sick killing game scheme fell apart and Yu...I mean Utsuro bit the dust?"

"That's about the shape and size of it! Didn't ever think I'd see you guys around here, or anywhere ever again since, y'know, you were kinda sorta dead last I checked!"

"Yeah, we thought so too until the Underworld sorta just spit us out. Something about dark moths that really wanted us in the City."

"What was those nasty little buggers' problem? Did they just want us here so that we could see you and what you've made of your life?"

"If so then color me underwhelmed but unsurprised. Of course you'd end up a full timer at a cafe after all the times you told us you found the comparison demeaning! And that shrimpy looking dweeb with the big coat and goggles is the best you could do for a BF? Ahahaha. Sorry, I just have to laugh!"

"Sh-shrimpy? And I'm not her BF, thank you! We live together and work together but have got nothing like THAT going on between us!"

"Touched a nerve, Varian? Guess Kizuna's ragebaiting touch is very much unlost."

"I don't even recall being in the Underworld for too long, so maybe our souls were still really blackened after the shit we did or tried to do, and so the shadow fly things felt we could serve some dark purpose."

"Villains who end up in the Underworld rather than going straight to Hell tend to be classified as being in reserve for the Akumas. You girls should count yourself among the lucky ones - you've been given new life by the City of Villains."

"Lucky that we get another chance at life rather than getting cut down in the peak of our youth, or unlucky that we're denied the chance to rest in peace after having seen the horrors? It's all in how you look at it, really."

"Disregarding that they're standing in the Cafe right now, are we sure these two really qualify as villains?"

"Hey little man, I murdered this bitch over here after she tried to murder Akane, and she spent her final seconds of life ensuring that I went down with her. I'd say that qualifies us as...villainous enough."

"OK, could you maybe not fucking talk about THAT, you stone cold bitch? You're gonna give me a fucking post-traumatic episode!"

"Well when you get down to it, it was really all my fault. The three of us wouldn't have been in that situation if I hadn't put us in it and then forgot all about it!"

"So wait, it wasn't an act? When you were becoming our friend, you really didn't remember that you were an Ultimate Despair and that you put us all in that killing game at Hope's Peak?"

"Sounds a little contrived and hard to swallow to me."

"Only thing you ladies ought to be swallowing here is our delicious treats and magical beverages, which especially includes the coffee."

"Would Akane really be okay with them as potentially regular customers here? Especially the pink haired one seeing as she tried to kill her..."

"[snorts] Yeah, and imagine all the trouble I'd have saved everyone if I'd succeded? Really, when you get down to it the only thing I really ever did wrong there was ensure the slutty maid got to keep her life with the rest of the class. Sorry 'bout that, Aya.”

"I'd be inclined to accept that apology only if I believed it was real."

"Oh you two are gonna be so much fun to have around! So much we've got to get caught up on! At risk of the violence directed at myself for what I put you through, I happily welcome you as customers! Your first orders here will be served to you entirely free!"

"You'd let us have freebies?"

"Guess we can't really ask for a better offer than that!"

"Never understimate the persuasive power of a free breakfast."

"Hooray! Got any bubble tea? Gimme it for free! We're gonna be as good as customers for a bad guy's hangout can be!"

"An orange juice with some donuts would work fine for me. But Akane, don't forget that the three of us have business to settle with one another, and here we get to settle it like villains."

"Get down with your bad bitch selves and come at me any time! I'll serve you up a despair worse than death!"