Cube-alism

I touched a Scottish cow once. It was terrifying.

I like a good game that doesn't involve moving.

They peer pressured me into a churro, and I feel like the only answer is puking.

I give up on myself.

A: Best part of having an office? B: Farting. A: ... B: What?

Do you think he just looks for a hole to jump into when these things happen? Y'know, to save himself the digging?

A: Not all cults are death cults. B: Well, that’s not true. Everybody dies.

Don't talk to my food in front of me.

I'll talk about REO Speedwagon any way I want to.

It's a cautionary tale: Don't blow your budget on pumpkins.

Skin cancer won't kill you in a week.

I've stuffed a lot of things in my joy spot.

A: I thought you left. B: Never assume. A: I didn't say 'assumed.' I said 'thought.' B: Always think.

A: Are you drawing George Washington as the devil? B: It's Hellboy.

A: I don't touch my own widgets. B: Too Catholic?

I can't actually take you seriously like that, because it makes me think you don't have any legs.

The CMO of a Fortune 500 company got an email featuring a toilet with racing flames on it today.