soup

sex is some naked bullshit and food is some crap they found on the ground but online poker is forever

the coworker who is too maternal and has correctly identified you as the runt of the office and won’t let you eat your lunch on break so you starve quicker and die

april fools in a few weeks. who will ask me to be their fool

so embarrassing finding a song you really resonate with that you think only captures you and your emotions and then you look at the artist’s profile and it’s actually been streamed 50 million times and you’re not special

weather app is my favorite app because it tells me about the world around me in a way that is really practical and helpful. check it out asap.

the annoying thing about weightlifting is that you have to lift weights that are a little too heavy for you if you want to get stronger. and you have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to keep building muscle. fucked up.

thank god this same principle doesnt apply to any other skill you want to improve at! that would really suck.

there's simply nothing to be done with the loneliness that claws at your chest and has done so ever since you became aware of your place in the world.

when enkidu dies Gilgamesh covers his face, veiling it “like a bride”. Haha (sudden low voice through gritted teeth) the ancient Mesopotamians are running circles around us. I need you to get your ass on the field and give me your best yaoi or we can kiss these quarter finals goodbye

it's actually really kind of me to be perpetually single. i'm saving at least one other person from torment. #myaltruism

mastering ancient breathing techniques in the mountains of china to control my heart rate finely enough to jam out a sick tune on the hospital’s heart monitor

The doctors figure out after the sixth beep that I’m trying to play Wonderwall and they unplug my life support