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@crys-metheglin
"was it always a conscious choice for [ilya] to always touch shane's face? was that something that had deeper meaning to it or [was he just] doing [it] as part of his living in the character?" "yeah, that's [connor] living in the character." x
I absolutely cannot even begin to explain how OBSESSED I am with Ilya's hand motion in the hospital scene... The softness and delicateness of that touch is to die for! And how Shane leans into it with his eyes closed like "aaaaw that's so sweet!"
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no but honestly how. the. fuck.
This guy is my new obsession. And by "this guy" I mean both of them.
In the last few days, I found a new star to turn my gaze toward. The motivation that I was lacking to keep moving forward has been renewed by this freshly discovered spark in the night sky. I do not know how long this one is gonna shine, but I am determined to follow it as far as I can.
I was feeling literally ill at the thought of missing that boat. I've missed so many already... Not an other one. Not again.
I made some progress today. It feels good. I kinda want to thow up though...
“Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.”
— Winston Churchill
celestial bloom, Almée Couture
I think I need to start dressing like a fairy...
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It was time. Two days ago, the anxiety that I hadn't felt in so long fell on me like a crashing, burning plane. In a split second, I wasn't my collected, calm self anymore, I was a jenga tower about to colapse. The pain I felt was vivid, possessing, like it used to be. I ignored it at first. I think we always have the delusion that things might resolve themself whithout our intervention... But of course, it didn't. I didn't wait too long before getting up. I was already in bed, trying to sleep when it stroke me.
Anxiety always visited me at night so there was no surprise there. I knew what I needed to do. I made myself a cup of relaxing tea, had a snack and went to my computer. Back in the days, I would scroll the internet in search of words to sooth the panick possessing me. I was seeking answers and comfort through the words of others. I hadn't been on Tumblr in a while. My ocean where I would launch bottles of hope in the night. I haven't drawn anything in so long. I haven't written anything either. I feel numbed. I feel terrifyed. I'm trying to build a life for myself and keep hitting walls, most of which I built myself. I am inhabited by a different kind of fatigue now.
I am sad, disapointed, affraid and alone. The night crept back on me and I know that I need to get back up and keep going. No matter what, one step after the other. I need to remember my own strength, I need to remember my weapons, I need to remember my guiding stars.
In two days, I have a job interview. I have to find a job. The problem is, the reasonable options are not the ones I want. I will never find my peace there, I need to make my own.
I need to open the window, let the fresh air come in.
I need to pick up my pencils again.
I need to start typing and not stop.
I need to sing. I need to dance.
I need to build.
I came back to tumblr because I need to turn to myself again. I need to reconnect with my own ressources. When the pain was constant, I was tied to the present, but now I must make an effort to ground myself. We can navigate this night like we did the previous ones. We will find our way.
I like looking for beautiful visuals. It helps me reconnect with the beauty in the world, like playing connect the dots with the stars in the night sky, searching for constellations, or getting lost in the color spectrum of a ray of sunshine catching in a crystal nearby a window. The world can be so big and so small all at once and too often we forget to just look at it.
I am barely holding up today... I've had a really hard summer and this difficult chapter is coming to an end but boooooy is it hard right now! I'm repeating to myself that I have to hold but the truth is, I'm not the one that needs to hold on, it's my job which needs it. The moment when I'll let go doesn't really change anything for me, but it does make a hufe difference for my coworkers. So I'm trying to holdon for their sake, out of generosity, but everyday, that generosoty is eroding... My boss is asking for a little more but I can't. As of now, I don't even know if I'll last until the set date of my departure.
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keep me sane
between patterns
Kitten likes sitting with her dog. (via n_dogbike) (press play and listen for tiny meow)
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Elie Saab Resort 2019
Portrait of Elizabeth of York, Queen of England in her wedding day
