your friendly neighborhood cryptid

naruto: me and hinata are getting married

whatever you think happens in naruto, i can assure you it's weirder than that. everybody knows Neglected Child Demon Fox, but did you know that the president was giving him checks when he was a little baby instead of actually feeding or housing him. everybody knows there's probably Something going on with orochimaru, but what if i told you that that something was mad science with the explicit goal of knowing All the Information and becoming Immortal, and that they fucking succeeded. like listen. there's a guy whose name is fucking might guy and he's one of the greatest characters ever written. i'm pretty sure kishimoto got possessed by the spirit of a himedanshi for a few chapters in which he cooked up some crazy doomed yuri flower motif shit, and then went right back to being a misogynist. at one point a guy literally offers to kill himself, because his mentally ill boyfriend convinced him it was the only way to achieve world peace. a 19 year old kid actually turns himself into a nuke and blows himself up as a performance art piece. there's a religious zealot whose fringe religion is straight up implied to be real because he's immortal, and the fact that his god is real and exists is never brought up again after child solider #12392849 buries him underground forever.

Orochimaru: Should I kill these children so that they won't have to live as wayward orphans?