what I don't deserve

You don’t know how many nights I ended up on the bathroom floor crying and shaking and crying and shaking. I am not strong or soft or pretty and I am far from being okay. Maybe survival was not made for people like me.

I’m not here to tell you it gets better I’m not here for the same speech you’ll hear over and over and over until it’s burned in your mind the bible of those who pretend to care the scripture memorized and repeated by every person who pretends to understand. I’m here to tell you it gets worse. I’m here to tell you this is a slippery slope. Won’t be long until your well acquainted with the porcelain tiles on your bathroom floor. Face down and wondering if the little splotches you see are your dripping blood or a result of vision loss from the tortures you’re putting your body through. Its spent years building you into the beautiful human being you are and look at you now, trying to burn it to the ground. I’m here to tell you you aren’t strong enough to resist. One minute it’s just skipping breakfast but fast forward it’s the carnival ride from hell. A merry-go-round that you can’t get off going faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and nothing. There’s a tube down your throat and your parents are crying. You wish you were nothing. I’m here to tell you this only gets worse. Close your eyes but you won’t rest. Awake, asleep, it doesn’t matter you’re always in hell. Demons haunt you People haunt you Doctors haunt you And the voices in your head don’t just go away They’re hell bent on ruining you and it won’t stop. I’m here to tell you you can’t fix this. Happiness will evade you Joy is a foreign concept No matter what pleasures life may drop at your door You still feel numb // blank // alone // dead. You’re trapped in your mind No exits No way out You’re in this for the long haul. I am here to tell you it doesn’t get better. You’ll fall down the rabbit hole and lose yourself entirely before you realize it’s too fucking late before you realize how stupid you’ve been. And then You’re done. You’re dying. You’re dead. Gone. Alone. 6ft under. The end. I’m here to tell you to get help. I’m here to tell you that you can’t make it better on your own I’m here to tell you that waiting is the worst thing you can do I’m here to tell you cancer is kinder than some mental illness and has a higher survival rate. Catching this soon is key and you aren’t strong enough to do this by yourself. I’m here to beg you, Ask you, Plead with you, Don’t turn into me. Don’t turn into another statistic. Don’t ruin your life because you aren’t “sick enough for help” Don’t let your life slip away from you. Live Love Laugh Nourish Heal I’m here to remind you that life is possible Recovery is possible And you are deserving And you are so beautiful So please, Don’t tear yourself to the ground.

All the things I did wrong: I: I relied on someone for my happiness. II: I love people more than I love myself. III: I never asked for help. IV: I asked for help. V: I opened up. VI: I had hope.

“I don’t think people understand how stressful it is to explain what’s going on in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself.”