useless bitch

Family vacation and all that.

I hate being overwhelmed or overstimulated i cant quiet tell the Difference cause one thing quickly bleeds into the other.

It could be something completely different too I dont know im not a doctor or psychologist.

I dont touch stories with a mfc I just dont like them.

Dont get me started when I want them woman main character to be NOT human, I'll literally search for non human fmc and get recommended like a random ass yaoi fanfiction.

Nothing against yaoi but I dont read it, its not my taste. I quit enjoy Yuri tho.

Sometimes I get then like one fanfiction that is my tast just for the non human character to not be the main chrarachter aaaahhhhhhh.

Or they're like an avian and get like 5 chapters in they're wings cut of and are basically human now, or if they are one actually monster they like loos they're power.

Or what I hate even more if its like first a actually strong woman things are doing well and then Damm love intrest now she can't even walk anymore without stumbling and her fit sport build suddenly turned thin and frain and suddenly whes like 5 feet.

Honestly if a stories mentions the main character is 5 feet more then once in like the first 5 chapters in quitting the story.

Sure size difference is hot but you can have a tall woman and still hav size difference.

Like damm if you gotta make her straight, small and have her constantly stumbling at least give her like an balance disorder or something interesting.

I honestly love it when the chrarachters have disabilities tho (as long as theye dont get randomly cured) especially if somone with said disability wrote it, it makes it much easier too understand it and kinda opends up another window into the world of them.

And then the dude gose btw. I could see you as a potential romantic partner and like hold up stop we dont even know eachother a week like the fuck u mean, and devently not after that comment dude.

(；´ﾟдﾟ｀) I just told him I was too mentally unstable to be in a relationship atm. I hope he'll leave me alone.

Like I dont want to be rude so I can't tell him straight to his face to leave me tf alone but I wanna do it so badly.

(Also like he brings like military rations with him to the courses and he knows a bit to much about tanks)

I also like to think that they can fill rolls on the pack pretty well (be more submissive or dominat) whatever is needed. I also really like the idea of they're scent slightly change ching more sweet or herb depending on were they are in the pack and what place there filling out. (Kinda like one of those fish who switch they're gender once the only male dies but that instead of changing gender they're scent changes in a direction the pack needs)

Also becaus they are more rational I like to think that most decisions have to go through them even if the alpha the head an beta can say no to there decisiin simply becaus its dumb or done in a moment without thinking.

Like im the kind of tired that makes you're bone feel like lead and your fresh like concrete.

Im at a point of tiredness or even depression were I can't really feel joy anymore, and I feel bad for not being abel to feel it becaus it makes me think im dragging my family and friends down.

I feel like im so rude and I probably am becaus im constantly just in a bad mood.

I feel this ugly kinda twist in my stomach when something happens when I don't want it to happen, or when something good happens too my friends or family.

Im so jealous of them they seem to have there live figured out while I am stuck here like this slowly being left behind.

I cant even be mad at leaving me behind, I want them too, I so desperately want to be left behind so I can finally have a reason drown in my own disparity.

Im not a good person, I am not smart, I am not pretty and I cant Handel confrontation or accept criticism, I want to be the victim so badly, I am not kind.

I feel like the world should hurt me for the way I am yet I'm almost completely healthy with only a few problems.

Its like the world is making fun of me by refusing to run me over with a bus.

Why dose the poor mother or child who has somone they love who has a place in this world planed out die early while I'm here just hating being alive.

Its not like I don't have pepole that love me it's just I feel completely neutral towards them in a way that makes me feel like I am not abel to love.

On the point of love how come evryone I know has it so easy getting one partner after another while I am looking at another person and feel nothing.

I had a girlfriend once and I felt like not even slimmer of love for some reason(I had a crush on her but there was definitelyno love) not even my first kiss could make me feel anything (we broke up pretty early becaus she keept on ghosting me when I tried to take her on dates becaus we couldn't hang at her place cause her parents didn't know yet she was dating a girl and I refused to smoke weed with her)

Like I know I'm not aroromantic or acesexuall, I want a long loving relationship so badly but evrytime somomne says something wrong or even makes fun of me the slightest I loose all my feelings I could have had.

Maybe I am this way because I got groomed on the internet

Maybe I am this way becaus my parents keep refusing to take me to therapy cuz there is nothing wrong with me

Or maybe I am this way becaus I was born like this

Ill never now

ignore spelling mistakes I have dyslexia and am too lazy too fix them atm

Sometimes I cry so much that my face burns

But I can't seem to bring myself to wipe away the tears

The burn reminds me of the burn I felt after my childhood dog gave me kisses

She never was one too enjoy cuddels

Or let herself be touched or loved alot

But in her final days she came to me to get hugs to get kisses to get loved

As if she was saying I'm going soon don't be sad and to behave

But i couldn't help it to be sad

She made me feel safe and protected

She made me brave

She used to watch I've me as a child making sure I wouldn't fall or do something stupid

Even tho i know she be annoyed at my tears I cant stop them from falling.

I miss you

My brain: hyenas

Me: What?

I feel bad

I feel useless

I feel dead

my hearth aches and cries

But you don´t notice