despite ryan understanding queerness as not something one has control over (calling his father gullible for believing the ritual will make "it" stop), when izzy tells him hunter's death "only happened because of the way you made him feel", she's verbalising outloud something ryan already believed; that both hunter and naim's attraction to him and the fall out is his fault.
ryan is the one who brought naim to the mill and initiated their first kiss, and from naim's eager yet slightly clumsy response, both the viewer and ryan are quick to realise that naim has little experience. in response, ryan takes the lead: he returns naim to lying back on the floor with a mouth at his neck, positioning them this way to give naim pleasure without pressuring him to reciprocate. ryan's selflessness in this way shapes the dynamic of their intimacy we see throughout the rest of the film--ryan intiating, and naim following his lead. though the level of acceptance ryan has of his queerness is up for debate, it's undeniable that ryan is more comfortable acting on his desire than naim because he has sexual experience with boys outside of him. and ryan likes this. naim's inexperience means he isn't practiced in hiding how ryan's touch makes him feel. it's no wonder ryan immediately loses himself in it--he's never had intimacy come this easily. the mill is the first time a boy has accepted his kiss and surrendered to pleasure without making ryan bleed for it.
but then his abusive relationship with hunter is revealed to everybody in the church. naim is there for the ritual, watches as he kneels with hunter by his side, both of them reprimanded for the lust and desire they've acted upon with each other. though ryan's attention is stolen by the fear when his throat closes up, he sees naim flee. and after, ryan knows where they stand. fear was a barrier for naim even in the safety of the mill before anyone knew about ryan (pulling away from their kiss + "we should stop"). now that everyone knows and is openly hostile, ryan accepts without conversation that naim is lost to him. and no matter how much ryan yearns to feel naim's tenderness again, he won't risk naim's safety to fulfill his own selfish desires.
but then naim comes to him anyway. ryan tries to push him away, confused why he has to explain to wide-eyed and so easily frightened naim why he shouldn't risk coming to his house to see him. but naim persists. and though he knows he shouldn't, ryan lets himself be convinced not only because he's happy things might not be over like he thought, but because he views it as naim's choice. naim coming to him first, naim initiating intimacy despite the risk, naim telling him I don't care if they know, I want you, I need you, I like you, makes ryan believe naim is taking ownership of his desire, and choosing ryan despite his fear.
until naim becomes someone he doesn't recognise.
though its a shock, pulling away bruised and bleeding and having to flee from gentle innocent naim, he doesn't tell anyone. "your mum will see us" he says in the shop, not wanting to risk naim being seen even talking to him, despite the bruise on his arm and more beneath his clothes that ryan believes naim left there. at the skating rink, open wound on his back and burst blood vessels in his eyes from the force with which naim had choked him he wearily pleads"please dont make me tell anyone" bc no matter what naim does to him, ryan can't let go of the naim he knows from the mill. naim innocently eager, and ryan pressing him into the dusty concrete. it's stupid, and logically ryan knows that's not how these things work, but part of him can't help but believe naim only acted on his desire because ryan elicited it from him, and has become violent because ryan--so accustomed to it--corrupted him. ryan feels responsible for naim's desire, so if naim gets discovered and harmed because of it, it will feel like his fault.
then they find out about the entity and things are recontextualised. its not naim who hurt him but a monster wearing its face. and naim saw him too, given the way he reacted at hunter's funeral. when they talk to jessica she reveals the truth of it plainly: who you see is who you desire the most. and ryan's face when she says this haunts me. his eyes flick to naim, a brief acknowledgement of how the depth of his attraction has been exposed, but then he turns away, gaze going distant. ryan is scared of what they've learned, worried for what their future holds, but most of all he's overcome by guilt.
jessica yells at naim and ryan puts a hand on his back, protective, apologetic, weary with the weight of all they've been told. naim gets shut out of the bus, sees it, and ryan's heart breaks to see him non-verbal and teary eyed with terror. the vague responsibility he felt at the prospect of naim at risk because of his association with ryan has become reality, and not just through social exclusion, but by a supernatural being trying to kill them. this is the fault of the church and the healer and the ritual yes, but it's ryan's face naim sees. ryan's face naim has to run from. "this is all my fault", he says on the bus, because ryan believes that by bringing naim to the mill, initiating their connection and tying them together, he's pulled naim down to hell with him. but interestingly unlike naim, ryan's guilt doesn't have him believe he should let naim go, it makes him hold on even tighter.
i think this is because unlike naim, and unlike hunter too, ryan has a sense of maturity when it comes to his queer identity. he understands what it is to be who they are, and knows that running away won't fix anything. if naim leaves town, it'll just look the next dickhead naim's into. maybe also because he's a little high off the fact it's been confirmed naim is equally attracted to ryan as ryan is to him (a mutuality he never shared with hunter), his instinct is to pull naim closer and initiate intimacy. although ryan's persistence to be with naim is partially fueled by his guilt and feelings of responsibility, at the end of the day, ryan also just likes him. naim is the first person ryan has had a real connection with beyond sex. unlike hunter, unlike anybody in this shithole town, when he's with naim ryan can drop his facade and just be without any expectations or pressures. the scene after their first kiss where naim teases ryan for ignoring him at school lays the foundation for understanding why ryan is willing to risk so much for naim. "you're at school and you're so different, but when you're with just me.." a cliche sentiment, but i cant help but feel it's incredibly important to their context specifically. before naim, ryan lived his life suffocated by pressure to fit masculine expectations, compounded by his family's involvement in the patriarchal church. then on top of that, ryan is entangled in a toxic relationship with the pastor's son, perpetually fearful of how his community will reject him when they find out the truth of who he is.
but with naim, he finds freedom. reserved and shy, wimpy to the point even ryan can't help but tease him for it ("is there anything you're not afraid of?"), naim is someone so unlike the boys he's been raised with. and somehow, naim effortlessly undoes all the work ryan puts into hiding himself. "give me a fuckin' example of how i'm different" he says to naim's accusation, quick to pushback because he doesn't want to accept naim can so easily see what he hasn't even come to understand himself--that he is different with naim. he doesn't only like naim because he's attracted to him sexually, he likes all of him. he likes naim's brattiness and his big doe eyes and how he followed him out to the bush without asking why. he likes the way he tried to impress him by throwing a stone (past instead of at him, for once), and how he failed at lifting the pipe but laughed at ryan when he failed too. he likes how naim lashed out at his stupid prank, how cunt sounded in his mouth, how he didn't hesitate to start charge at him even though both of them knew he'd lose the fight. but most of all ryan likes how naim looks at him with no expectations of who he should be. even towards the end--when he learns of naim's betrayal and it knocks him off kilter enough for ryan to ditch everything he's known and leave--ultimately when naim stumbles upon ryan at the bus stop, ryan forgives him without a word. because even though naim hurt him, ryan's dealt enough hits of his own to know how fear can poison you. what he said outside the church still stands true. If I'm going to live with this thing then I don't want it to look like some other dickhead, I want it to look like you.
