scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 1 (masterpost here)
Tim: me and Damian- me and Damian have come a long way. we have to at least publically admit that. he loves me now.
Damian: *non-committal hum*
Tim, bargaining: favourite brother.
Tim: favourite brother that you met in Gotham.
Tim, under his breath: fuck, forgot about him. he is cool.
Dick, holding up a hand: i'm slightly offended i haven't shown up on the list yet?
Tim, waving him off: oh shut up, you were basically a father figure. you're expelled from the rankings. Day, am i at least your favourite white boy?
Tim: HE CAN'T HAVE TWO CATAGORIES.
Damian, storming out the room: FUCK YOU- HE SUNG ME TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT!
Tim, chasing Damian out of the room: i can sing- I CAN FUCKING SING- auh-maaazinng grAAACE-
Dick, watching after them:
Dick: those two will do great things one day. *turns to see Jason staring into space with narrowed eyes*
Dick: ...you uh- you ok there littlewing?
Jason, slowly: Dick. do you think.... am i white?
Dick, carefully: are you- are you not?
Jason: well i mean. i never really- Willis was white, right? like. american and a bit scottish i think. and Catherine was white, so i didn't think about it. like. next to you or Day or Duke i look like buff momo. so.
Dick, supportively: uh-huh,
Jason: but then, like. Catherine wasn't my biological mom. Sheila was. and i tracked Sheila down to Ethiopia.
Jason: and i didn't- like i didn't think about it at the time, so i didn't ask like. why the fuck are you in Ethiopia? like, do we got family here? are you- are you ethiopian? just a day trip? dart at a map?
Jason: and then we both kinda died. so.
Jason, completely genuine: and also, like. i accidentially drank a lot of the lazarus water when i was in there; i opened my mouth i guess. and that shit still affects my biology. so does that mean i accidentially swallowed arabic? am i- *quieter* ...am i that now?
Dick, putting all his effort into keeping a straight face, covering his mouth stoically: i... see.
Jason, oblivious, slightly worried: yeah,
Dick: it's uh- it's um. those are very valid hypothesis's.
Jason, softly: you're laughing at me.
Dick, instant, equally soft: i would- i would never. this is.... *blinks purposefully* this. is. not funny. because race is never funny. and i love you, Jason. so if this bothers you, i- *throat clear* i want to help.
Dick: ....should we do a DNA test? so we can find out if you're ethiopian? or... *bites lip* arabic?
Jason: ...*worried sigh* i don't know if we should? like, everybody assumes im pure american white right now? maybe that's for the better?
Dick, closing his eyes momentarily: *face flickers in amusement* *coughs quickly* mhm, mhm. um, why- whys that, Jay?
Jason, softly, still completely serious: well... i do a lot of criminal stuff. and right now if i do that stuff as a white person then who cares, right? but if i'm not white... then me being a crime lord just makes me a statistic. a stereotype.
Dick: *presses lips together, shaking slightly*
Jason, whispering: i don't want to add to that kind of propaganda by being Red Hood, Dick...
Dick, trying his best not to whimper: a- *clears throat* and that is, so very thoughtful of you, Jason. so thoughtful. i'm sure the mixed community would be lucky to have you, and they would be so appreciative of your care,
Dick, putting a hand on Jason's shoulder sweetly: but i don't think you have to worry because you do wear a face covering helmet and nobody knows Red Hood's skin colour or race. so lets just-
Dick: *turns away abruptly, face cracking, shoulders shaking*
Dick: *takes a deep breath* *turns back with his face completely ernest and supportive* lets go and get you a DNA test to calm you down, and then you can stop wondering, ok kiddo?
Jason, nodding softly: ok...
Dick: man, it's gonna be so funny when i hack the results and make him think he's 45% african american.
Alfred, on the other side of the room, staring across from where he's been cleaning:
Alfred, continuing to clean: not touching that.
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