CRITICAL WROTE

     "Do not go far from me,“ he said.

     She drew a ragged breath. “Do you think this is what…” Tears spilled over her cheeks. “Do you think this is what mother saw before she died?”

     Vax pulled her into a hug and buried his face in her shoulder. He fought to keep his own tears out of his voice. “Do not go far from me.”

     Vex clutched him tightly. “I won’t,” she said. “I swear.”

     Vax wiped his eyes on her cloak before looking up at her again. She pulled him close once more before returning to the child she was bandaging.

     Vax pulled an old shirt from his bag and cut it into slings for the people who needed them. He touched Vex’s shoulder before helping the child into one.

     A large hand pulled him away. He spun around to see Grog towering over him.

     Vax tried to go back to his sister, but Grog held him in place.

     "Sorry to break up, um, an awkward moment,“ the goliath said. "Vax, do you have a moment?”

     Vex finished helping the boy and came to stand beside her brother.

     "What do you need?“ Vax asked.

     Grog looked at Vex. "May I speak to you… alone? No offense, Vex.”

     Vex shook her head and wiped at the corners of her eyes. “None taken.” She squeezed her brother’s hand and took the remaining slings to distribute.

     Grog pulled Vax into an alcove. “You and I may have had some… friction recently,” he said. “And we have our differences, but we’re on the same side.” Vax furrowed his brow. “Percy needs you downstairs. Will you come with me?”

     Vax looked behind him at his sister. She was looking in their direction. “What is it? What does he need?”

      Grog’s eyes roamed the room full of civilians. “I would tell you, but I don’t want to frighten anyone in this room. It’s about the skull, and I can only bring one. Percy’s request.”

     Vax looked at his sister again. “Wait here.” He started to walk toward her.

     Grog caught his shoulder. “No, I have to come with you!”

     Vax pulled away. “Just wait a second!”

     He touched Vex’s arm. She turned to look at him. “I’m going downstairs,” he whispered. “If I am not back here in five minutes, I want you to come down. Do you understand?” He took his sister’s hand again. “And I say that because I need you. You are stronger than me, and I will need you. Tend to the wounded.” He kissed her cheek. “Five minutes.”

     Vex nodded and went back to bandaging a young woman, and Vax followed Grog.

     At the head of the stairs, Grog stopped and looked around. Vax looked up at him curiously.

     Percy took a sip from his waterskin. “I don’t know if I can do both those things, but okay.”

     Vax smiled. “That’s okay; we can separate them.” He watched Percy rub off his glasses and place them on the bridge of his nose. The smoke swirled from his sleeves, briefly obscuring his face. “This thing…” Vax began. “This thing…”

     Percy scratched his nose, and for a second it seemed almost… beak-like. “Yes?”

     Vax narrowed his eyes. “What do you really know about it? How do we know that this thing isn’t whispering in Sylas’s ear? What do you really know about this thing?”

     Percy blinked at him. “I don’t know anything about this thing. Except that…” He furrowed his brow and looked down at his hands. “This last time…” He shook his head and looked back up at Vax. “This last time was different than the first time. This last time didn’t…” He squeezed his eyes shut and sighed. He opened them, and Vax could swear in the dim light shadows swirled in Percy’s irises. “This last time, I felt more like me, and less… like I was being drawn somewhere. I wasn’t entirely me, but I was more… It’s hard to describe…” Percy chewed his lip. “I felt like… I had…” He looked at Vax again. His eyes seemed a little clearer. “…contained it a bit. I feel like maybe… maybe I can… keep it under check? I don’t know.”

     Vax nodded slowly, watching Percival’s eyes. “I want to tell you something.” He pulled his cloak closer to him. “We’re almost like family now. And I have seen you do a many great things.” His eyes drifted to the unnaturally shifting shadow behind his friend. “And you have earned my trust.” He looked up and stared straight into de Rolo’s eyes. “But if you hurt my sister, if you hurt anyone else in this group inadvertently…” He pulled his Keen Dagger out of its sheath.

     Percy nodded. “I would expect no less.”

     Vax held his gaze a moment. “Well alright then.” He put his dagger away.

     "Vax?“ Percy said.

      Vax looked up.

      Percy smiled. “I have a sister!” he said. The shadows around him seemed a little less dark. For a moment he looked almost like an excited child.

      Vax looked at his own sister curled up with Trinket. He smiled. “It’s pretty cool, isn’t it?”

     "I’m…“ Percy bit his lip, but the smile never quite left his face. "I’m hoping.”

     Vax nodded. “Well… hold onto that.” He patted Percy’s arm.

     "I shall.“

     Vax looked over at Grog and grinned. "Can I borrow just a pinch of your black powder?”

     Percy grimaced. “No, I’m running really low, no.”

     "Just a finger dab?“

     "No… Oh, god, yes, yes…” Percy closed his eyes and thrust the tube at Vax.

     Vax chuckled as he wet his finger and traced an obscene drawing on the goliath’s forehead.

     Percy shook his head and rolled to face away from him.

     Vax turned to say something to Keyleth, but found her asleep. He brushed a lock of hair off her cheek and settled against Trinket beside his sister. She shivered in her sleep. Vax tucked her cloak more tightly around her.

     The smoke had curled up around Percival’s form again. He tossed in his sleep. He murmured Cassandra’s name and whimpered.

     "You!“ he exclaimed. "I remember you! Oh, it’s been quite some time!”

     Vex pushed to the front and shoved a finger in the man’s face. “You!”

     He looked beyond her to Grog. “Step on over here, sir! I would love nothing more than-”

     "You…“ Vex said. She gritted her teeth as she pushed Grog further back. His confused protests went unheeded.

     "Yes, can I help you-” the salesman began.

     "…sneaky, mother…“ Vex whipped around to face Grog. "Is he the one?”

     "Wha-“

     "Is he the one that ’haggled’ with you? The one that you traded all our-”

     "Yeah, and I got a really great deal!“ Grog said.

     "He got a fantastic deal last time!” the man said.

     "You are blowing my cover!“ Grog whispered.

     "He’s quite a customer!” the man said.

     "What are you doing?“ Grog asked.

     "I’m sorry, is there a problem?” the salesman asked.

     "No, no!“ Grog said. He pushed Vex aside. She shrugged off his arm and stood even with him.

     Her lip curled as she looked the merchant over. He seemed to have done annoyingly well since their last "deal”.

     "No problem at all,“ Grog said. "You’ll be doing business with me.”

     Vex rolled her eyes. She shot a death glare at her brother laughing his ass off.

     "Just sit back, love, and watch a pro work,“ Grog told her.

     Vax’s laughter redoubled.

     "So-” the man said.

     "He’s a cart! He’s a stupid cart salesman!“ Vex said. She glared at her brother while he composed himself.

     Percy recovered from his own laughing fit and put a hand on her shoulder. "We are going to learn something very valuable right now!”

     Vex’s icy glare shifted to him. He dropped his hand.

     "Look, I don’t know if you’ve noticed,“ Grog said, "but a lot of these twats below me need ‘healing potions’ or whatever.”

     Vex inhaled deeply. She looked at Vax and jerked her head toward Grog.

     "Do you have anything like that on you?“ Grog asked.

     The salesman clasped his hands together and laughed. "Oh, ho ho! Do I! Do not worry sir! Hold on just a moment!” He disappeared into the tent with a rustle of silks.

     Vex looked to Keyleth and gestured roughly at Grog. “Keyleth-” She clenched her fist. “Hold Person or something to shut him up?”

     Vax finally came to her aid. “Yeah, it’s funny, but we don’t have that much gold, do we?”

     "We don’t have anything!“ Vex said.

     Grog looked down at her. "I’ve got sixty-five hundred gold to spend and I mean to spend quite a bit of it.”

     Vex groaned. Keyleth bit her lip. Percy bit his hand to stifle laughter.

     "Music to my ears!“ rang out from the tent.

     Vex and Percy both slapped their faces into their hands.

     The salesman brought out a carved wooden box of vials and set it before them. "So! Potions of Healing, you say?” He pulled out a pair of glass tubes and waved them in front of Grog’s face. “Two Superior Healing Potions!” He gestured to a trio on the table. “Three Greater Healing Potions.” He pointed to the rest with a flourish. “And ten regular Potions of Healing, at your disposal should you require them, yes!”

     Grog opened his mouth.

     Vex slapped her hand over it.

     Vax pulled him aside. “Grog,” he said. “What about this: You are reeeallly strong, and really good at killing things, and my left- left?- left nut still has a dent in it. You are really fucking strong! You are the best there is at what you do.”

     "And by far a handsome and intelligent salesman!“ the merchant said.

     Vax looked over. "Please shut up.”

     Vex cracked a smile for what felt like the first time in ages.

     Vax turned back to Grog. “My sister is very good at-” He tilted his head. “Do you know what math is?”

     Grog blinked at him. “Mathis?”

     Vex laughed with the party in spite of herself.

     Vax took a breath to steady himself. “Vex'ahlia is very good at, uh…”

     "I don’t even want to deal with this shit now!“ Vex said.

     Vax put a hand on her shoulder. "She is an excellent shopper,” he said. “I’m telling you- You know how you take things’ skulls and turn them into, like, raspberry jam?”

     Grog nodded. “Yeah, like a paste!”

     "Yeah,“ Vax said. "That’s what she does with money. And, I’m just saying…” he sighed. “We have our differences, and I know you’re stronger than me, and I’m saying, as strong as you are, that’s as good as she is with shiny.” He clapped Vex on the back.

     "And yet she was so abrasive when she arrived!“ the man said.

     "I said shut uuup!” Vax hissed.

     "Darling,“ Vex said.

     "Shiny!” Grog said behind her.

     "You’re lucky I don’t…“ Vex looked around her. She saw Trinket lingering behind the group and grinned. "Trinket!” she called.

     Vax was still trying to bring Grog around. “If we can keep more shiny, you and I can get drunk!” he whispered.

     Trinket lumbered up to Vex’s side. “Have you seen my pet bear?” she asked.

     The salesman took a few steps back.

     Vex smiled. “He loves potion salesmen!”

     "Yeah, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this,“ Grog said.

     Vax whispered in his sister’s ear. "I just did it.”

     Vex quickly pecked him on the cheek.

     "I’m like, the current reigning champion of the Crucible,“ Grog continued. "And with that title comes many things, like people that manage your shinies.” Vex smiled. “I would like to introduce you to my shiny manager, Vex.”

     Vex squared her shoulders and gave Trinket a pat on the head.

     "Buckle up, my friend,“ Vax said.

     The salesman turned his head. "This one? Really?”

     Kash blinked and looked at Vax. “Why was he holding your nut?”

     They waved him off.

     Vex turned back to the matter at hand. “Look, she said. "I’m willing to trade you some very powerful magical items, for some schmeezly little potions that heal people.”

     The salesman smiled slimily at her. “How many would you like? What do you want?”

     She held his gaze. “I want them all. How much?”

     He raised his eyebrows. “All of them?”

     Vax crossed his arms at his sister’s side. “Bulk.”

     The man chuckled. “Hm! Well then, let me do my math here.” He bent over an abacus, moving beads back and forth. Vex squinted at him. This was rather… showy math.

     "That’s a lot of potions,“ Scanlan said. "Do we really need all of them?”

     "There’s only two Superiors,“ Vex said.

     "By the way, buddy, as you’re adding that up, I’d like to say, tread lightly or I’m gonna tell Vanessa and you’ll have trouble getting anything from the Take ever again,” Kash said.

     The man lifted his finger off the abacus and looked up toward Kash. “The… Take? Are you with the Take?”

     Vex, Vax, and Keyleth pulled their armor aside to reveal their brands.

     "Oh, oh did you not see these? These amazing…“ Vex said.

     "That’s right, we get union discounts,” Keyleth said.

     "Well…“ the man said. He flicked a couple beads on his abacus. "Yes, there is indeed a discount with the Take…”

     Vex reached across her brother to pat Kash on the shoulder. “I like you more and more, Kashaw, every time you speak.”

     "Well done, well done,“ Percy said.

     "Most people do,” Kash said. “Just ask Keyleth.”

     Keyleth started laughing awkwardly loudly. Vex’s eyes narrowed.

     "So, with the… with the friendship discount…“ the salesman said. "Um… That would be six thousand, five hundred gold pieces for the lot.”

     Vex raised her eyebrows. “I’m sorry, how much?”

     "Six thousand, five hundred gold pieces for the lot.“

     "Oh, okay…”

     "With the discount!“

     "Right, with the discount…” Vex muttered.

     "That’s so coincidental…“ Scanlan said.

     "That’s crazy!” Grog said.

     "What if-“ Vex started.

     "That’s exactly what Grog offered him!” Scanlan said.

     "That’s what I have!“ Grog said.

     Vex shook her head. "How about, instead of that, I trade you-”

     "Seven thousand!“ Grog said.

     Vex barely kept herself from hitting him. She forced a smile. "Thank you, Grog,” she said.

     "Stick to the killing!“ Vax whispered.

     ”-these magical items,“ Vex continued. She reached into her bag and pulled out the handful of knick knacks she’d gathered from who knows where.

     Scanlan put a hand up. "Vex. No. You can’t. You can’t possibly trade that. It’s too valuable. What are you doing.”

     Vex shook her head dramatically. “Well I know, but, I mean, where else are we going to find a vendor-”

     "Those are the Knick Knacks of Kaa!“ Scanlan said.

     Vex nodded. "I know! They’re quite valuable, but he said six thousand, six hudred, and nnn! And we know this will cover that!”

     "I can’t-“ Scanlan turned to the potion salesman. "Please sir. Please. Don’t take advantage of us by taking these things from us. They’re too valuable. Please, I beg of you.”

     "What have you pulled out?“ Percy asked.

     "The Knick Knacks of Kaa,” Scanlan said.

     "The Knick Knacks of Kaa!“ Percy said. "No, not the Knick Knacks of Kaa!”

     Vex sighed to cover a giggle. Vax and Kash were having a stare down while trying to quiet Keyleth.

     "Let me see…“ the man said. He reached out toward the objects.

     "Now I’m doubting-” Vex pulled the cluster of items closer to her chest. “No, you know what, maybe I shouldn’t trade these.”

     Vax nodded emphatically. “Put 'em away. Put 'em away.”

     "I don’t understand,“ Grog said. "I thought they were just, like, little nothin’ things…”

     Zahra grabbed Grog’s arm and yanked him behind the loose semicircle forming around the merchant. “Grog!” she said. “I have a flask!” She pulled out a small hip flask and handed it to him.

     "I knew I liked you!“ Grog said. He took a gulp. "Oh, that’s good!”

     "I’ll take some too as well.“ Zahra took a swig.

     Vex kept her carefully reluctant eyes trained on the salesman.

     "N-no, no no, pu them on the table please!” The man smiled. “Just in casies!”

     Scanlan looked back to Grog and Zahra. “Grog… make sure no one is watching.”

     As Vex reached forward to put one of the “Knick Knacks of Kaa” on the table, she saw the slightest flick of Keyleth’s wrist. As the small inkwell touched the wood, a puff of air swirled about it. Vex trembled her hand as she removed it.

     The merchant’s eyes widened slightly. “Hm…” He pulled out a small eyeglass. “Well, the craftmanship is-” He looked up at Vex. “-decent.”

     Vex smiled.

     As the man touched the item to rotate it, the table began to shake. Vex saw Zahra staring intently at it.

     Percy’s fingers danced at his side.

     The salesman’s eyes widened again. He straightened up. “Hm,” he said. “These seem fair enough.” He studied Vex a moment. “I would say, include these in the transaction and I’d be willing to drop the cost by about… five hundred gold pieces? Put it at an even six thousand.”

     Vex raised her eyebrows and let out a huff of air. “Darling!” She snatched the inkwell off the table. “Do you have any idea how much these are worth?”

     The merchant looked at her. “I do, actually. I’m quite the appraiser. Kind of my business.”

     Vex glared at the man. “I know when somebody’s trying to swindle me, darling.”

     "Well then, step away! You don’t need my business, obviously.“ The salesman looked over her head at Grog. "Is this how your 'shiny’ manager deals with your shiny?”

     Vex’s nostrils flared. “Tell you what,” she said. “Take two thousand off your asking price, and we have a deal.”

     The man laughed. “That is ridiculous! No!”

     "How’s your family?“ Kash said. Vex looked at him and grinned.

     The man’s face contracted. "What does that mean?”

     "Just curious how everyone’s doing,“ Kash continued. He conspicuously stretched his scar-covered arm. "Everybody healthy? Happy?”

     Grog came up behind Kash. “Yeah, are they well?” he asked. “In one piece?”

     Zahra stood beside Grog, her silver eyes betraying no emotion. “Have you seen your wife?”

     The three of them loomed over the merchant, Kash’s scars visible, Zahra’s horns turned half toward him, Grog working his muscular shoulders.

     The merchant gulped. “Um… They’re fine. Uh… quite fine. Yes.” He looked back at Vex, but his eyes kept darting to the trio at her side. “A thousand gold off the asking price?”

     She smirked. “Two thousand gold off the asking price.”

     He sputtered. “Th-that’s ridiculous! It’s not even- Please!”

     Kash pointed behind him at Grog. “Have you heard him talk about paste?”

     The salesman’s mouth opened and closed like a goldfish. “…Thirteen hundred off the asking price. Nothing more! Nothing more!”

     Vax stepped around his sister to Grog’s side. He pulled a dagger out of his belt, locked eyes with the merchant, and dragged the knife down Grog’s bicep.

     "He has a lip collection,“ Percy said.

     The man looked beyond the group, searching for guards on the thoroughfare. "Perhaps, uh…” he said loudly.

     "Keep your voice down,“ Grog said. Blood poured down his arm, dripping over Vax’s hand to the cobblestones below.

     "I would need-” the man started. He swallowed.

     "There’s no magic here, friend,“ Vax said.

     Vex stayed her brother’s bloody hand. "Fifteen hundred off the asking price,” she said. “And you have a deal.”

     Murmurs and nods of agreement chorused through the party. Vex held the man’s gaze, blood still running over her hand and her brother’s.

     The salesman’s eyes lingered on their hands. “Five thousand gold, knick knacks, and, uh… we’re all good? Yes?” He laughed nervously.

     "Oh, give the dog a bone,“ Vax said. His eyes were still fixed on the man’s face.

     "Yes,” Vex said.

     "Alright, here you are…“ the merchant said. "Please, now… It would be wondrous, after we complete this transaction, that we never meet again.”

     Vex'ahlia smiled wickedly at him. “Oh dear. I’m afraid I’ve already Hunter’s Marked you.”

     The man shrank further back from her. “I don’t even know what that means…”

     Her brother laughed.

     The merchant looked behind them at another customer. “We’re closed!” He held a hand out timidly for the gold.

     "Oh, right! Of course, yes! Let me just count up this little…“ Vex reached reluctantly for her purse.

     "Kash, Zahra, you should probably contribute,” Scanlan said.

     "Should I count that?“ Grog asked Vex.

     Vex took a breath and smiled tightly at Grog. "No, that’s alright, dear.” She handed the sum to the salesman. “Five thousand gold.”

     "You don’t think I can get to five thousand faster than you can?“ Grog said.

     Vex rolled her eyes. "Oh, and here. These… very valuable items.”

     "One, three, five thousand.“ Grog demonstrated his astounding math skills for Zahra.

     The merchant shoved the potions toward them. "Good day!”

     "It’s been a pleasure,“ Kash said.

     Vex snickered.

     A small tulip appeared in Keyleth’s hand. The merchant took it from her before dropping it in confusion. "Thank you!” she said.

     Vex looked at Kash beside her as the salesman ducked into his tent. “We make a pretty good team,” she said.

     Grog tapped Vax on the shoulder. “Not that it’s, like- Not for nothin’, but will you take this fuckin’ dagger out of my arm?”

     Vax grabbed the dagger and flipped it back into his belt.

     Vex reached behind her and sent a surge of healing energy through Grog’s arm.

     "You’re a good influence on us,“ Percy was saying to Keyleth, "but we’re a terrible influence on you.”

     Keyleth nodded. “That’s true.”

     "Vex,“ Scanlan said.

     "Yes?" 

     "He said two Superior.”

     Vex looked down at the potions. She slammed her hand on the table. “He did say two Superior! I knew he said two Superior!” She ran into the tent with Scanlan at her heels.

     "Actually! Dear!“ she said. "I believe you left one of the potions off the table.”

     The salesman looked at who was with her and raised his chin a bit. “The Superior potions are five thousand gold a piece baseline.”

     Vex raised her own chin. “But you said you had two Superior, and you said all the potions for the amount we said.”

     The man crossed his arms. “I said all the ones I had placed on the table before you.”

      “Ah! There’s so much blood on this fucking dagger!” Vax called from outside.

     Kash entered the tent and stood beside Vex.

     "Are you going back on your word?“ she asked.

     "You’ve made a grand deal with what we said. If you continue to push this, I’m afraid I’m going to have to get the guards,” the merchant said.

     Kash looked to Vex. “My guess is he couldn’t get to the front of the tent by the time we got to him,” he said. “But that’s up to you.” He looked at the salesman. “We’re just guests here.”

     Vex sized up the merchant. “Superior Schmuperior,” she muttered. “No, that’s alright,” she said. “I know they’re expensive.” She looked at her friends and smiled. “And we’ve already taken enough advantage.”

     She narrowed her eyes. Without taking her eyes off the man, she took out one of the potions. She popped the cork, swirled the vial, and sniffed it. Herbs. Divine power. She nodded. She recorked the bottle and stowed it away. They all left the tent.

     "We did very well,“ Percy said, "and there are other things we should think about purchasing.”

     "You’re right,“ Vex said.

     On to powder, she supposed.

P2, line 1 dreams; sometimes

P2, line 2 dream, that maybe

P2, line 3 blood-soaked

P3, line 1 vision, though—it comes

P3, line 2 Julius, the blood

P3, line 6 black, empty cold

P4, line 1 Her face pressing into

P4, line 6 shouldn’t waste energy on hating him:  he does

P5, lines 2-3 moment, their fingers touch, and

P5, line 5 wrong before: it’s his hands

P5, line 6 people who loved him

P6, line 1 world burns. Towers of

P6, line 2 into the sky, and the air

P6, line 3 howl, and Percy

P6, line 4 Before him, a figure swirls into being, its face a twisted mass of curling smoke, its eyes burning like coals.

P6, line 5 twisted grin, he is caught between horror and elation, a giddy longing for something unknown.

P7, line 1 vengeance, Percival,” it growls. “You made

P7, line 2 deep timbre

P7, line 3 shaking, this time not in fear

P8, line 1 world right,” the creature breathes. “My gift

P8, line 3 smoke growing denser

P9, line 2 unsteady breath,

P9, lines 4-5 sweat-slicked skin

P9, line 6 mid-project

P10, line 1 been here?” he says, startling

P10, line 8 damning himself, without exposing

P10, line 9 of what he years to be?

P11, line 1 long breath, he

P11, line 2 laying it carefully over the unfinished projects

P11, line 4 to the door, he pulls it

P11, line 6 last seen Jarett, is

P11, line 7 and distracted, it might

P13, lines 1-2 standing—or so Percy first believes—in the middle

P13, line 2 throat, and his face is

P13, line 3 sound escapes from

P13, line 4 over Jarett’s shoulder, Percy

P13, line 5 driver rise to his feet

P13, line 6 bloody bandages, but

P13, line 7 isn’t time to be sick.

P15, line 1 above the floor. They kick

P15, line 3 man’s eyes, and finally

P16, line 1 Then several things happen at once.

P17, line 1 “Help! Help, help!”

P17, lines 2-3 If he had had time to reflect, he might have found it strange

P17, line 5 Time, however, is precious, and

P17, line 6 faster than Percy can truly think, he pulls the

P17, line 7 hip, his thumb

P17, line 8 familiar steel, the world

P18, line 1 Crack!

P19, line 2 flesh of the attacking

P19, line 3-5 rough floor. His hands find his throat, as if they can hasten the ragged gasps of air that he pulls in greedily.

P19, line 5 without wasting time to ask stupid questions,

P19, line 6 Percy raises the sight of the pepperbox and

P19, line 7 hit their mark, and a tiny

P19, line 9 empty hallway, screams

P20, lines 1-2 “Help!” Percy roars, his fingers already priming the next shot. “Vex! Tiberius! Anyone!” [[[Note: Writing fiction in all-caps, in my personal opinion, is usually really distracting. I prefer italics when going for emphasis.]]]

P21, line 3 lashes out, and what

P21, line 4 Grunting in pain, he

P21, line 6 frigid air hiss past

P21, line 7 hallway, the prisoner

P22, line 3 mighty growl and lunges. Meeting no resistance, he stumbles briefly and

P22, line 4 then turns to let loose

P22, line 5 in pain, and Percy

P22, line 7 confusion, Jarett

P22, line 10 Beside him, Trinket

P23, line 2 “Hurry,” he breathes,

P24, line 1 Dawn sparks against

P24, line 2 band of mud-splattered adventurers

P25, line 1 shrugging lightly, “is that we

P25, line 2 uses of cow-camouflage

P26, line 6 the gate, and she

P27, line 1 “Shane! The gate!” To her left, Tiberius [[[Note: Shout out to critrolestats for the NPC master list! The guard’s name is Shane Trantor.]]]

P27, line 3 enough room, Vex

P28, line 1 something,” Scanlan

P29, line 1 It’s too much

P30, line 2 closer now, too close

P30, line 3 the gauntlet, then it dies

P30, line 7 it’s not enough

P30, line 9 from its housing

P31, lines 1-2 dropping the pepperbox from singed fingers, he

P31, line 3 fluid motion, he

P31, line 6 a heart-stopping moment, he

P32, line 2 first blow, but

P32, line 3 for a moment,

P32, line 4 eyes clear, a

P32, line 5 ever-shifting

P32, line 6 at him, the

P33, lines 1-2 A thunderous roar sounds beside him, and for the second time in the last five minutes, Percival

P34, line 1 Looking up and still trying to regain

P34, line 3 assailant, and Jarret

P34, line 5 air, and Percy

P34, line 6 than he first thought. With a might cry, the

P34, line 7 muscles in his

P35, line 1 stone stairway, and

P35, line 2 moment, Percy thinks it’s more

P35, line 5 staggering, and it clouds his already-shaky vision.

P35, lines 6-8 By the time he blinks, Grog’s looming form bursts into the hall with a bellowing yell, blood and water flowing from his upraised fist.

P36, line 3 steel, almost

P36, line 6 workshop door, and Percy

P36, lines 8-9 concentration, and says something to Percy. It’s hard to hear over the ringing in his ears, but

P36, line 11 It’s enough.

P37, line 1 With a grunt, he

P37, line 2 It’s a lost cause, however; the

P37, line 4 his steps, and

P37, line 6-7 riffle jams into invisible flesh, and, without a word, he pulls

P37, line 8 thunder, and

P37, line 10 Without thinking, he pivots

P37, line 11 still-glowing

P37, line 12 louder still, and

P37, line 14 lands true,

P37, lines 15-16 the creature’s desperate rage. It shakes Jarett away and

P37, line 18 iron ceiling of the cell, and

P37, line 19 doll, blood

P38, line 1 With a cry, Jarett

P38, line 2 for so long, and

P38, lines 3-9 *Somewhere behind them, Vex gets off another shot. The arrow lodges weirdly in the invisible creature, sinking into its flesh but appearing to hang in midair. Simultaneously, tiny purple sparks of light explode from the ceiling, drifting down and sticking to the creature’s shaking form. The dust stars cling to its body, revealing a humanoid torso and legs that shift and slide too fast for thought. On the bed, the young man shudders and drags in a labored breath.

P39-40 (See beta note 3) In front of him, Grog barks a laugh and says, “There you are! Hold still, Casper!” He swings

P40, line 2 find their target, and

P40, lines 3-6 *Percy blinks, and Vax appears in the space beyond the iron bars that had been empty not second ago. Vax yanks the creature back with one arm.

P41, line 2 breath, and

P41, line 2 Reaching out, he

P41-42 the goliath’s shoulder and says, “Grog! You softened him up for me, asshole!” With a grin, the barbarian returns his Great Axe to the sheath at his back, satisfaction clear on his face. In the cell, the figure on the bed stirs, slowly pulling himself into a sitting position. Tiberius hurries forward, one hand outstretched.

P43, line 1 It’s a decker sandwich!

P44-45 (See beta note 3) Without a sound, the young man takes the sandwich as clutches it to his chest in shaking hands. “What happened?” he croaks. “What—“

P46, line 1 “Here,” Vex says and shoulders

P46, line 2 look. She crouches

P46, line 3 one hand, she

P46, line 5 frightened by mostly intact.

P47, line 1 workshop door. “Can I

P48, line 1 grin. “There are, like, four

P49, line 1 “Oh. Okay,” the gnome replies and

P50, line 1 something, but then

P52-53 (See beta note 3) Tiberius sigs and, with the flick of his hand, he cleans the spatter away. “Pardon me, he doesn’t know our customs very well. How is that sandwich?”

P54-55 (See beta note 3) Desmond seems not to notice either the blood or its removal. “W-what was that? What was that thing?”

P57-58 (See beta note 3) Vex nods in agreement. Tiberius huff, “I would say ‘opaque buttholes.’”

P59, like 1 interjects. “I’ve

P60-61 (See beta note 3) some paragraph he read long ago, “Ah! Of course, high-level mages use them as assassins. They are single-minded in purpose and damn near unstoppable.” The slightly jovial air in the room born from great relief evaporates. [[[Note: cut “after a tense moment, Vax says” in case that was unclear.]]]

P62, line 1 Vax says, “All I know

P63-66 (See beta note 3) Vex frowns at her brother, frustrated concern clouding her features. “With all this previous experience,” she says, her voice straining, “do you know how to ward against them?”

Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of his lips. “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.”

Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others. “Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?” she asks.

P67, lines 1-2 day. I will find out,” Tiberius says, his mind forming lists

P67, line 2 side, Jarett

P68, line 1 recommend that the next

P68, line 3 intended, and he

P68, line 4 “I apologize, I was

P69-70 (See beta note 3) Vex stands and moves over to him. “We were unprepared to warn you. I’m sorry,” she apologizes.

P71, line 1 Jarett sighs. “Um,

P72, line 1 if we know,” Grog huffs

P73, line 2 liches. Prepare the troops. There will

P73-74 (See beta note 3) to shore up security.”

Jarett nods but adds smoothly, I would like also to consider making some changes to our income, as this has suddenly gone from a general guarding job to going up against denizens of the afterlife.” [[[Note: In case this in unclear, move Jarett’s speech tag down from P73 to P74.]]]

P75, line 1 her face.

P76, line 1 “Of course,” Tiberius says airily. “We shall

P77-82 (See beta note 3) “Very well,” Jarett says, starting for the door. “I’m going to make sure the rest of my team is…alive.

As he begins to move away, Vex calls out, “Jarett? Are you up for it?”

Jarett looks back over his shoulder, his usual dry humor fully restored. “I mean, if the pay is good, yes.”

“It will be,” Vex assures him. “Jarett’s up for anything,” she adds with a little saucy smile.

Jarett laughs and taps the side of his nose. “You understand. Then, with a little grimace as he pulls sore ribs the wrong way, he finishes, “I will talk to you in the morning. I think a bit of rest is on order.” He waves and heads up the stairs and out of sight.

P84-85 (See beta note 3) “It’s good, right?” Tiberius says brightly. I had one yesterday. Come, we’ll move you to the guest room.”

Vex hesitates. “Maybe we should stay down here,” she says.

P86, line 1 “No,” Tiberius says

P86, line 2 doesn’t move. He just looks

P87, line 1 safer there?” he asks shakily. “I told you

P88, like 1 “Yes, you did,” Vex says softly.

P89, line 1 “I told you,” he says again, seeming

P90, line 2 they’re in. “You’re still alive!”

P91, line 1 her, then slowly

P91, line 4 fingers is vibrant

P92-93 (See beta note 3) quietly, but not so close as to make the young man nervous. “Listen,” he says softly, looking the boy in the eye. “You are a victim of circumstance. We understand that.

P94-100 (See beta note 3) Desmond holds his gaze for a long moment, then seems to resign himself to the inevitable. “Okay,” he sighs.

“I volunteer to sleep down here with him in the room,” Grog offers suddenly.

Tiberius shakes his head. “He’ll sleep in my quarters.”

“Is it safer down here? Vex says, glancing at her brother.

“In a locked cell with Grog?” Vax says. “That’s pretty safe.”

But Vex frowns at him. “I think it’s better to bring him upstairs,” she says. “It the door is locked, we can’t get to him very quickly.

P101, line 2 happen,” Tiberius adds

P102, line 1 use my Planar Binding to summon

P102, line 2 a frown creasing

P103, line 1 helped,” Vex says. “They were

P104-106 (See beta note 3) “I like all these things,” Vax adds, “but I still think Grog as a bunkmate is a good idea.”

The others start to discuss the situation amongst themselves, and Desmond takes advantage of their distraction to lean into Vax and whisper, “Is where I’m sleepin’ going to be away from him?”

Vax follows him line of vision and sees Percy leaning against the far wall. His face is drawn and hard, smudged with soot and blood. He looks exhausted, with dark, bruise-like shadows under his eyes, but Vax can tell from the stubborn set of his shoulders that the gunslinger has no intention of resting any time soon.

Frowning unhappily, Vax turned back to the boy beside him. “There is a lot of history for Percy wrapped up in this, and he has done you wrong, no question, but…” He struggles for the right words, unsure how to convince they boy of things that he himself doesn’t know. Perhaps it is best to leave the “why” for another day. He looks Desmond in the eye, willing him to understand the truth of his words.

P107-109 (See beta note 3) “The answer is yes,” he says firmly. “You will be separated from Percival, you will be protected, and you have my word.”

There is a brief pause. Then Desmond nods. “Okay,” he whispers. “I trust you.” Tears spring into the young man’s eyes as the events of the last few days begin to truly catch up with him. “Please, please don’t let them kill me.”

Vax reaches out and places a warm hand on his shoulder. “We may be fuck-ups, but we’re not without ability. You have my word.”

P110, line 1 “Okay.”

P111, lines 1-2 “Desmond, dear,” Vex says, arriving suddenly in front of them. Her keen eyes catch her brother’s for a moment

P111, lines 3-4 to his feet, she calls over her shoulder, “Grog?”

P112, line 1 “What?” the goliath rumbles.

P113, line 1 “That bed needs to go back up to the guest room,” she says,

P113, line 3 Percy, the boy flinches away, and

P114, line 1 “Fuckin’ hell,” Grog grumbles

P115-116(See beta note 3) beside Keyleth, who watches Percy head back down toward his workshop without a word.

Vax clears this throat. “Is your hand alright?” he asks gently.

P11, line 1 now-closed

P118, line 1 anything?” he tries

P119, line 1 “Nope,” the druid says, and, still refusing to look at him, she

P119, line 2 Grimacing to himself, Vax

P120, lines 1-2 lets out a long, shaking breath. For a moment, he

Beta note 1: You need commas! Lots of them!

Beta note 2: Watch out for insubstantial repeated phrases. In this particular piece, I caught “for a moment” and other similar phrases quite often. Repetition attracts the reader’s attention, which can be useful when writing symbolism, foreshadowing, etc., but it can also be distracting if the writer repeats something that the reader doesn’t need to pay attention to.

Beta note 3: There’s some trouble with dialog formatting, which means that my paragraph system gets a little wonky about halfway through, but oh well. Here are two main things to keep in mind.

One, dialog always goes on the same line as the speech tag. Paragraphs 39-40, for example, are both dedicated to Grog speaking, but you started a new paragraph between “says” and when he actually starts talking. These should not be separated.

Two, most of the time, the actions that a character takes before, during, and/or after speech should go as close to the dialog as possible. Paragraphs 63-66 are a good place to look for this. You have this section written as such:

Vex frowns at her brother, something like frustrated concern clouding her features.

“With all this previous experience,” She says, strain evident on the last two words, “do you know how to ward against them? Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of the lips.

“All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.” Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others.

“Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?”

The biggest source of confusion here is that Vex appears to be the one saying “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives” because her action (cocking an eyebrow) is connected to this line of dialog. When I was editing, I moved the characters’ actions as close to their dialog as I could, and I created new paragraphs every time the focus shifted to a different character. My edit turned out like this:

Vex frowns at her brother, frustrated concern clouding her features. “With all this previous experience,” she says, her voice straining, “do you know how to ward against them?”

Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of his lips. “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.”

Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others. “Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?” she asks.

By keeping the characters’ actions and dialog together, the reader can move more easily through the story, and it prevents any confusion over which person is speaking.

P1, line 7 with outside, so he can

P2, line 1 Despite this—and because

P2, line 2 inside—Percy removes

P2, line 5 somewhere to hang the jacket.

P2, line 8 inquisitive, confused, and just

P3, lines 2-3 second, he heard the sound of scuffling and rattling from inside, followed by

P3, line 6 curse in that familiar

P4, line 1 Victor [[[Note: Confirmed by Matt in his playlist that his name is spelled this way.]]]

P4, line 2 correctly. “Are

P5, line 2-3 slamming into the façade

P5, line 4 by its swing, quickly

P5, line 5 Victor

P5, line 6 the scruff on his chin smoldering a little.

P5, line 7 Percy winces when the smell of burnt hair hits his nose. Wild eyes stare

P5, line 8 Victor

P7, line 2 bow. “Do you

P10, line 3 throat again and pushes his

P10, line 4 Victor

P11, line 1 prods Victor, clearly annoyed.

P12, line 2 he states. “We

P13, line 1 Victor

P13, line 3 teeth and gaps where there are teeth missing altogether.

P13, line 4 he cackles. “Come

P14, line 1 dismayed, and Vax

P14, line 2 seems not to have

P15, line 2 here,” she says.

P16, line 1 Percy concurs. “Please

P17, lines 1-2 Percy can almost feel himself blush as Vex

P17, line 3 shrugs before turning

P18, line 1 shop, weaving around

P18, line 3 strange. Inside, he sees

P18, line 6 rain, smelling strongly of mold

P18, line 7 Victor

P18, line 8 Victor

P19, line 2 Victor

P20, line 3 one or two wall sconces

P20, line 4 Victor

P20, line 5 now there are only

P20, lines 6-7 When Percy finally tears his stare aware from Victor’s

P22, line 1 Victor

P24, line 1 Victor

P24, line 4 word and with a

P24, line 5 Victor

P25, line 1 Victor

P26, line 1 Victor

P26, line 2 heavily-sealed metallic canister

P26, line 3 Victor

P27, line 1 Victor

P27, lines 3-4 prize down, the metal making a quiet chinking sound against the surface.

P27, line 5 a purposefulness about Victor now

P27, lines 6-7 Percy tenses, and in contrast

P27, line 9 Victor

P28, line 1 Victor

P28, line 2 see better. “Carefully…”

P28, line 6 Victor slowly brings the fire

P29, lines 2-3 *It flies out of Victor’s hands, and the merchant’s eyes simply watch it roll on the floor before they turn back to Percy.

P29, line 4 implicitly,” Percy says, hoping

P30, line 1 Victor

P30, line 3 can. “It’s

P31, line 1 breath, his heartrate normalizing

P31, line 2 little. But judging

P31, line 2 Victor

P31, line 4 Victor

P32, lines 1-2 To reassure himself, Percy bends down to sniff the so-called coffee.

P32, line 2 A familiar pungent, bitter aroma fills

P32, line 3 sates his curiosity.

P32, lines 3-4 [[[I think you should cut the entire last sentence of this paragraph. Taliesin kind of changes his mind halfway through asking for a cup and sets out to determine if it’s really coffee or not. Plus, this exchange is awkward to read because it seems out of order. Percy says “I’ll have some” BEFORE Victor asks if he wants any. I think it’d be more cohesive if you just cut this part.]]]

P33, line 1 Victor

P33, line 2 he says as he pulls

P33, line 3 counter. “Been a while

P34, lines 2-3 “Just—just one

P34, lines 3-4 off Victor goes to make the drink

P35, line 1 black powder,” quips Victor

P35, line 2 him. “Wait!

P37, line 1 Victor

P37, lines 2-3 center of his face. “Not many

P38, line 1 Victor

P38, line 2 coffee. “Have there

P39, line 1 Victor turns, his shaking hands

P39, line 2 tightly and his eyes casting upward

P39, line 3 one,” he wheezes as he hands Percy his drink. “Months ago.”

P40, line 1 his cup—which looks

P40, line 3 actually potable—tells

P40, line 4 Instead of taking a sip, he tries to distract Victor

P41, line 2 he had wanted. “Who?”

P42, line 1 Victor’s thick, dirty eyebrows furrow. “Err, nice woman,” he

P42, lines 2-3 as if to illustrate her likeness from memory. “Well dressed!”

P43, line 1 before Victor finishes that he speaks of

P43, lines 4-5 “Excellent,” he mutters. “She

P44, line 1 “No, no,” Victor answers

P44, lines 2-3 opportunity to dump his drink on the floor, hoping the splashing doesn’t alert Victor.

P44, lines 4-5 engrossed in his thoughts.

P45, line 1 intrigued. “Very

P46, line 1 Victor

P46, line 2 again. “She paid

P48, line 1 Victor

P49 lines 3-4 line of questioning and moves back to easy

P49, lines 4-5 “How, er—how have your own

P50, line 1 Victor’s only answer is a strange grin and another

P52, lines 2-3 calling for Percy and reminding him to

P53, line 2 main purpose. “I would be

P54, line 1 Victor

P56, line 1 Victor

P57, line 2 business. “Money can

P58, line 1 Victor

P58, line 4 across Victor’s already-messy face.

P59, line 1-3 “Oh, that’s not a moustache,” Percy remarks, swallowing down the small bit of bile that had risen in his throat.

P60, lines 1-2 Victor doesn’t seem to mind or notice at all. He places four small, empty potion flasks on the counter and starts

P60, line 4 Percy. “I already sold

P61, line 1 This time, Percy sighs in relief. “Yes,” he answers. “That would be lovely.”

P62, line 1 Victor

P64, line 1 “Wondrous!” Victor exclaims. “Deal!”

P66, lines 1-2 unsure of whether or not she wants

P66, line 2 Percy hears her walking

P67, lines 1-2 “250 gold,” Percy tells her as soon as she joins him, “if you would be so kind.”

P71, line 1 Victor greets Vex, the word booming out

P72, line 3 Victor’s

P72, line 4 somewhat lecherous stare.

P72, lines 4-5 This strange but rather funny turn

P72, line 5 Percy’s attention, and he

P72, line 6 to Victor without counting it. Victor’s entranced

P72, line 7 on Vex, who, to her credit, holds his stare and doesn’t turn away.

P72, line 8 Victor

P73, line 2 Victor’s

P73, line 3 funny, Percy intervenes.

P74, line 1 Victor

P74, line 2 him. “Thank you. You are so kind.

P75, line 2 Victor [[[Note: The phrase “as shrewd as he is unstable” is fantastic, btw.]]]

P76, line 1 Victor

P79, line 3 Victor

P79, line 5 bottle and squeeze the kiss inside.

P80, line 1 “Keep it safe, dear,” Vex

P81, lines 1-3 tells Victor. “All of us. Until we all meet again,” he says, and he can feel Vex’s glare at his intent to bring her along for any future interactions with Victor. “Keep safe, and…well, keep safe.”

P82, line 1 Victor

P83, line 1 Vex returns the wave with

P83, line 2 which disappears the second her back

P83, line 4 laughing, out of respect for her; she did

P83, line 5 Victor

P83, lines 5-6 Vex go before him through the narrowing exit.

P84, line 1 Victor

Beta note: A large point of contention among fiction writers is dialog tags. In this piece, you have all sorts of different tags—calls, barks, coughs, greets, prods, states, cackles, suggests, concurs, starts, replies, begins, advises, points out, answers, offers, murmurs, explains, snorts, specifies, quip, notes, echoes, wheezes, describes, mutters, corrects, repeats, adds, acknowledges, agrees, remarks, exclaims, protests, promises, returns, demands, whispers, laughs, shouts, says, and asks are most of them.

I feel like most of us were taught in school to never use “say” or “ask” in the interest of creativity or something. Some writers think that you should only use “say” and “ask.” They think this because when we read dialog, our brains can skim over “say” and “ask” almost as if they’re not there, allowing the reader to move through the dialog effortlessly. In short, the argument is that dialog tags can be distracting.

I had a writing professor a couple years ago who urged my class to cut all dialog tags except for “say” and “ask” out of our writing. At first, I was really reluctant. I thought that dialog tags gave my writing character and flair. But then the more I cut them out, the more I felt like my writing improved. I realized, then, that it’s a matter of focus. Instead of focusing on how a character says something, I began to focus on what the characters says. I do realize that this project—this blog as a whole—is something of an anomaly because the writers are creatively transcribing the show and are thus rather limited in terms of artistic license. However, I think the matter of focus still stands:  What do you think is most important while writing?

I am not going to ask you to change your dialog tags. I only changed two of them when I thought the original ones didn’t make sense in context. I am not going to tell you it would be better or worse if you kept or changed the original tags. It’s just a suggestion, something to keep in mind.

I’m sorry the beta note is so long. I just…I really like writing, and I really like editing, and I might as well use my degree for something.

P1, line 1 more, just after a meeting with

P1, line 2 Horn of Orcus

P1, lines 2-4 *The party’s first priority is to replenish the items used deep beneath the Greyspine Mines, and they make their way to the Abadar’s Promenade district in the midafternoon, warm sun on their skin, to a familiar, low building. [[[Note: Check the wiki, Crit Role Stats, or Critical Role Transcriptions for the correct spellings of places and people! I know fantasy names are often really difficult to make out, but there are a lot of resources available!]]]

P2, line 4 Abadar’s Promenade

P2, line 6 Vax stepped forward,

P3, like 1 confusion—how in hell’s name

P3, line 2 held by such a small shop?

P3, line 3 How, then, did a staircase lead upward?—but that moment of confusion passed

P3, lines 4-5 scents of the shop. The rogue ignored

P4, line 1 Sconces on the walls

P4, line 2 magical flames, which winking off of artfully

P4, line 4 purple robes wandered the shop

P4, lines 5-6 as they attended to other customers.

P5-8 (See beta note 1) “Brother,” Vex’ahlia murmured, “you should get that evil Clarota helmet checked out and see what good it does us.”

Vax’s lips curved into a grin as he reached up one hand and tapped the skull cap he wore. “You mean this one?” he asked.

“Yes,” Vex deadpanned, used to her twin’s antics. “That one.”

Keyleth moved a little closer and spoke softly to the rogue. “I think you should be the point man here,” she said. Those who heard the druid’s words murmured their agreement.

P10, line 1 “Start looking, start shopping

P10, line 2 an…arrangement.” [[[Note: There’s just an extra space in the original.]]]

P10, line 4 how eager he was

P10, line 5 and the druid

P10, line 6, hands to the rogue’s shoulders in encouragement.

P11, lines 1-3 she told Vax firmly. She frowned and licked the tip of her thumb, wiping an almost-nonexistent smudge from Vax’s nose.

P12, line 1 not in view, so he swept

P12, lines 3-9 *Vax’ildan’s trained eyes moved across the counter and beyond it, noting the beaded curtain that hung from the store’s back door. He noticed the purple cloth that concealed a case set in the dark wood of the counter, a case that very likely held small valuables, knick-knacks, and stoppered vials of potions. With a mental jolt, he broke out of his reverie and reached out, firmly tapping the service bell three times.

P13, line 4 as a hand briskly whisked aside the beaded curtain.

P14, lines 1-2 voice purred, and Gilmore’s familiar figure stepped

P14, lines 2-3 Vax took everything in, from the well-made purple robes

P14, line 4 hung around his neck, to the coarse

P14, lines 5-6 ponytail, to the wispy, braided goatee, all of which added to

P15, line 1 “Oh. Oh. You’ve returned,” he said at last.

P16, line 1 [[[Note: I saw another person make a note of the use of “hale,” and this word works perfectly fine here. The more common expression is “hale and hearty,” but there’s no need to change it!]]]

P16, line 4 lifting the rogue’s feet

P17, line 3 filled the rogue’s nostrils.

P18-19 (See beta note 1) “You naughty man, you just called me by my sister’s name. That is going to cost you.”

Gilmore blinked, flustered. “I—I said Vax! What do you mean? That’s ridiculous, preposterous, I mean—“

P20, line 1-4 *Vax simply arched his eyebrows cheekily and let Gilmore sputter his excuse. Vax knew what he heard, and he was more than willing to wait until Gilmore stopped squirming and admit his mistake.

P21-23 (See beta note 1) Tiberius interrupted Gilmore’s groveling. He said, “Actually, Vax, he was correct. He said your name correctly but mixed it with your sister’s. So maybe you owe him a little something.”

After Tiberius spoke, Keyleth couldn’t help herself, and words tumbled from her lips. “He said Vax’ahlia,” she blurted out, then mentally kicked herself, even as Tiberius chimed in again in agreement.

Vax glanced back at his friends and gave them a testy “shut up” before returning his attention to Gilmore, who was quite embarrassed by this turn of events. Vax patted the other man’s hand. “Don’t you worry,” he said. “We have come from far and away—you would not believe the shit we have been through. But I don’t want to talk about me. I want to talk about you. What has been going on in this city since we’ve been gone?”

P24, lines 1-2 “Well,” Gilmore began, then turned to glance about the party behind Vax. “Obviously, you’ve brought

P24, lines 9-11 Perhaps even,” he said, leaning forward conspiratorially, “perhaps even—get this—opening a second store in Westruun.”

P28, line 1 two more arcanists, and

P28, line 3 available items. We’re doing quite

P30, line 2 your investor, in a way.

P30-31 (See beta note 1) that’s a whole other discussion.”

Tiberius muttered and mumbled and shuffled his feet for a moment, then the truth dropped out between his fangs. “I just wanted you to talk to me for a little bit,” he admitted with surprising humility.

P32, line 3 after a moment, then

P32, line 4 “But yes. How about yourselves?” His voice

P33, line 3 for the Emperor—we’ve been

P34, line 2 levity. “I know

P35, line 4 shop about. My sister can

P35, line 6 around the city, get a bit

P35, line 8 The rogue paused

P35, line 11 you’ve heard, what’s on the wind.

P36, line 2 gears shifting in Gilmore’s mind. The rogue

P36, line 3 half-elven

P36, line 4 worry. Apparently no one

P40-42 (See beta note 1) Hastily, Vex lifted a hand. “Oh, we need to shop around first, of course.”

The purple-robed mage looked a little confused at first, but then he shrugged. “Very well,” he replied.

Percy spoke up, covering any awkwardness. “And we’re so curious about these interesting and fascinating things that you’ve developed in the several weeks it’s been since we’ve been here. We’d love to see what you’ve been working on.”

P43, line 1 Sherri [[[Note: Shout out to Crit Role Stats for the correct spelling!]]]

P45-47 (See beta note 1) “Would you be so kind as to see to whatever our friend need? These are Vox Machina, by the way; they are currently sponsored by Gilmore’s Glorious Goods Incorporated, and I would very much like to make sure that they are taken care of.”

The half-elf’s voice didn’t chance when she answered, “Yes, sir, I’ll make sure that happens.”

With a sweep of his hand toward Vax’ildan, Gilmore dismissed the matter. “So, shall we?” he purred.

P50, line 1 what I need,” he muttered

Beta note 1: There’s a little trouble with dialog formatting, which means that my paragraph system is a little wonky, but oh well. Something to keep in mind is that, most of the time, the actions that a character takes before, during, and/or after speaking should go as close to the dialog as possible. Paragraphs 5-8 are a good place to look for this. You have this section written as such:

“Brother,” Vex’ahlia murmured, “you should get that evil Clarota helmet checked out, and see what good it does us.” Vax’s lips curved into a grin as he reached up one hand and tapped the skull cap he wore.

You mean this one..?”

“Yes,” Vex replied, deadpan, used to her twin’s antics, “that one.” Keyleth moved a little closer and spoke softly to the Rogue.

“I think you should take point on this,” Keyleth said. Those who heard the Druid’s words murmured their agreement.

Luckily, this particular instance doesn’t prevent the reader from understanding who is saying what. Your dialog tags are clear, so there isn’t any confusion with that. However, while writing dialog, you should generally create new paragraphs every time the focus shifts to a new character. My edit turned out like this:

“Brother,” Vex’ahlia murmured, “you should get that evil Clarota helmet checked out and see what good it does us.”

Vax’s lips curved into a grin as he reached up one hand and tapped the skull cap he wore. “You mean this one?” he asked.

“Yes,” Vex deadpanned, used to her twin’s antics. “That one.”

Keyleth moved a little closer and spoke softly to the rogue. “I think you should be the point man here,” she said. Those who heard the druid’s words murmured their agreement.

All I really did was move the character’s actions closer to their dialog. (Well. I also listened to this part of the episode because “you should take point on this” didn’t sound right. But you get the point.)

Beta note 2: It is not necessary to capitalize a character’s race or class. The first reason is because the Player Handbook does not, and that’s pretty much the guideline. The second reason, in more thorough terms, is because a character’s class is like their job and their race (unlike race in the real world) is more like their species. It’s like if I introduced myself as Rachel, the Human Student. Or Judy in Zootopia introduced herself as the Bunny Cop. Or the vampire dad in Twilight introduced himself as the Vampire Doctor. (I’m sorry for the last one—it’s all I could think of.) It’s just not necessary.

Beta note 3: You used a lot of semicolons, and the majority of the semicolons are actually fine on a technical level. However, semicolons are typically pretty formal, and I didn’t think that they fit the tone of this piece, which is why I changed many of them to a more informal dash or turned the compound sentence into two sentences. 

     He held her gaze. She turned her head to look back at the feast. Percy, Vex, Scanlan, Grog, and Pike turned back to the food and looked pointedly away from them.

     She pursed her lips and looked back at Vax. Might as well get it over with. “I’m… I don’t know…” she said. She looked back at Vox Machina, then back at Vax. “I’m really confused.”

     He nodded to himself. “Alright.” He started to walk away.

     She caught his hand. “Wait, wait! Wait!” He stopped. She dropped his hand. Vex’s head turned back away from them. Keyleth bit her lip. “I’d… be lying if I said oft at night when I go to sleep, your face is the last thing that crosses my mind.” Vax looked down. Keyleth looked at the Sun Tree. “But with the weight of the world and…” She looked back at the very silent heads of their friends. “… the weight of the contact embarrassment from our fellow party…” Vax chuckled. She heard stifled snorts and chortles from the table. “Currently… It’s hard to focus on.”

     Keyleth looked down. Vax looked at Keyleth. She thought of Vax lying bloody on the palace floor. She sighed. “You-” She pursed her lips. “You… you said that when you were near death. We say a lot pf things when we’re near death. How do I know that’s what you were truly feeling?”

     Vax’s brow knitted. His head pulled back slightly. “…I didn’t say that out loud…” he said. Keyleth raised her eyebrows. “I just thought it… I mean-”

     "Oh, yeah, no, you said that out loud,“ she said, half laughing. "No, that wasn’t in your head!” Vax’s mouth pulled to the side.

     Vex and Percy were snickering quietly at the table.

     Vax shook his head quickly. He looked up at her, and his expression was grim. “I wore a mask for a long time, where I grew up, and…” He sighed. “I’m not going to do that anymore.

     Keyleth saw Vex’s head practically straining backward.

     Vax looked at Keyleth. "I’ll wait.”

     Her eyes darted around the square. “Wait?” she asked. Vax stared steadily at her. “Wait?”

     "For you.“

     She looked back at the party. Percy’s face was turned half toward them. He was biting back a grin. "Um…” She looked down at the ground and blinked rapidly. “Okay?” She looked back up at Vax. “I don’t know what else to say right now.” She wrinkled her brow apologetically. “I’m really tired.” She laughed lightly. “Really tired.” He smiled. She took a slow breath. “I think there’s also a part of me that…” She chewed her lip. “…is just afraid.”

     Vax smiled tightly at the ground. “I feel like I’m gonna get pantsed by a goliath at any moment.” Grog choked on his ale. Keyleth laughed. Vax looked up at her. “Don’t do anything,” he said. “Don’t change anything.” He looked intently into her eyes. “I haven’t lied,” he said. “I’ve told the truth. If you’ll have me, I’m yours, if you don’t want me, I understand…” He shook his head and shrugged. “And that’s all there is to say.”

     He walked away quickly.

      Keyleth leaned her head against the Sun Tree and watched him go.

     Keyleth looked at him for a long moment. “Hey,” she said.

     He looked into her eyes. He looked… lost. Like he was looking for something and didn’t know what but was convinced she had the answer.

     She looked over his face. His features were all the same, but it seemed like he was hardly recognizable. “Hi,” she tried again. He just blinked at her. Her eyes tightened. “Are you okay?”

     Vax shook his head and looked at the floor. His mouth opened long before he spoke. “I don’t know,” he said quietly.

     Keyleth moved half behind the door. She laid her fingers gently on Vax’s and tugged him lightly inside. “Come in,” she said. She closed the door softly behind him. Vax stood in the center of the room staring at the night sky through the small window near the bed. She put her hand lightly on his back. “Sit down.”

      He sat on the very edge of the large blue bed and looked up at her.

     Keyleth sat in the small white chair by the window and crossed one ankle tightly over the other. She looked softly at Vax. “How do you feel?”

     His eyes shone and he shook his head. “I don’t know,” he said. He put his hands on the bedspread and took a long breath.

     Keyleth watched him wrestle with his thoughts. She couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong with him, aside from fear and a deep, unrelenting sadness. She wasn’t even sure those were new. Maybe they had been there the entire time she’d known him. Maybe they had been there his entire life. Vax was one of the best liars she knew. If he wanted to hide something, it was hidden. Maybe this had always been him. Had it?

     Did she know him at all?

     Vax took another breath and looked up at her. “All I know is that I felt… her.” His eyes unfocused, and it wasn’t clear if he was talking to Keyleth, or himself, or… something else. “I don’t know magic, I don’t know anything,” he said, almost angrily. “I open doors, and only when the wind is blowing in the right direction sometimes, I think… I don’t know what happened… but I felt her.”

     Keyleth dragged her teeth over her lower lip. “Do you still feel her?” she asked. Her chest was tight and every breath she took seemed to catch in her nose, then her throat, then her lungs, before finally being expelled.

     Vax looked at his hand on the bed. The creases in his forehead deepened. “Yeah,” he said.

     Keyleth inhaled sharply.

     Vax turned his face back toward her, but he seemed to be looking at nothing. “I don’t know if I did anything in there, and I wouldn’t take it back if I did, but I don’t know what I’m doing.” He covered his face with  his hands, and Keyleth saw the cracked and tarnished symbol of Sarenrae sewn onto the back of his glove.

     She closed her eyes briefly and drew a breath.. “I don’t know if it was very noble or very stupid, to be honest,” she said.He lowered his hands and half laughed. “Probably a little bit of both?” Keyleth’s eyes felt wet. The Vax sitting on the bed reminded her little of the Vax who had jumped up after being knocked unconscious and kissed her. He just looked broken. “I can attempt a Restoration- a Greater Restoration spell, and see if I can sense anything.”

     He looked into her eyes again like he was searching for something. “I- I don’t know anything about any of that,” he said. He looked at his hand again, then back at her. “I’ll let you.”

     She crossed the room slowly and sat next to him on the bed. She closed her eyes and tried to draw an even breath. “Just lay back,” she whispered.

     She focused on the stone beneath  her feet, casting her mind through it to the earth below, just barely recovering from the blight that had forced it asleep for nearly five years. She pulled the pulsing, healing energy up into her body and let it course through her fingertips to Vax’s shoulder. The warm green energy spread through his body, searching for any source of corruption to destroy. The spell finished…

     They sat in silence for a moment. Vax lay across the foot of the bed, and Keyleth sat beside him, hoping to feel any change.

     CAW!

     They both started.

     A raven sat on the windowsill. It looked at the chair. Keyleth. Vax. The ceiling. Then flew away, a black speck in the black night.

     Vax sat up slowly.

     Keyleth shook her head. “I… think  this goes… beyond any natural realm that I have any bearing over.” She sighed heavily.

     She and Vax looked at each other, and she reached across and hugged him. She fought to keep tears from falling down her face. “I thought I was gonna lose you,” she choked. She pressed her face into Vax’s neck. “And I’m terrified that I’m still going to.”

     She felt a drop of water drip onto her neck and run down her back. Vax held her tightly. She felt his fingers press into her shoulders. She felt his breath on her neck.

     "I think… I love you,“ he said.His voice was barely audible, even as close as they were.

     Keyleth pulled back and looked at him. He was waiting, still searching her eyes for whatever he was looking for. She remembered her visions. Vax charging into battle shouting her name, herself leading a tribe of young Ashari, young and strong for hundreds of years until the day she died.

     She swallowed her tears and looked down at the bed. “And I think I love you,” she said. “I just don’t know if I can allow myself to.” She met his gaze again. His eyes were shimmering wetly. “I’m terrified to allow myself to.”

     He looked at the wall behind him. When he looked back at her, his eyes were dry.“

     "You do realize that, if by some… crazy chance, and we all somehow… make it through this… domination alive with the Chroma Conclave, and I complete my Aramente…” She took a breath. “…I’ll still watch all of you die.” Vax looked down. “Everything could go phenomenally well… and… by becoming headmaster… we enter a- a bit of a realm of mortality where I could live for a very very long time.” He looked back up at her. He wasn’t searching anymore. Whatever he’d been looking for, he’d found.

     Or hadn’t.

     He bit his lip. Keyleth forced herself to go on.

     "I’m afraid… every time I look at one of your faces,that it’s gonna be the last.“ His face filled her vision. His hard, sad eyes. The dark hair spilling from beneath his hood. His lips, fighting a light tremble. His knees shifted away fro hers. "And I feel that deep down, I know that day is coming.” Her lips remained parted as she searched for words. Her eyes stared vacantly over his shoulder. “So because of that I’m afraid to let myself feel anything… deeper than I already do.”

     Vax stared at her, his features softening against his will.

     Then he left.

     She didn’t even have time to stop him.

     She didn’t know if she would have tried.

     She crumpled inward and sobbed. Her heart ached for everything she knew she had to miss. She had to. It wasn’t fair. Whether it was Vax or Kash or Percy or whoever else, it wasn’t fair. She couldn’t let herself feel that strongly. She couldn’t.