#criticalwrote

P2, line 1 dreams; sometimes

P2, line 2 dream, that maybe

P2, line 3 blood-soaked

P3, line 1 vision, though—it comes

P3, line 2 Julius, the blood

P3, line 6 black, empty cold

P4, line 1 Her face pressing into

P4, line 6 shouldn’t waste energy on hating him:  he does

P5, lines 2-3 moment, their fingers touch, and

P5, line 5 wrong before: it’s his hands

P5, line 6 people who loved him

P6, line 1 world burns. Towers of

P6, line 2 into the sky, and the air

P6, line 3 howl, and Percy

P6, line 4 Before him, a figure swirls into being, its face a twisted mass of curling smoke, its eyes burning like coals.

P6, line 5 twisted grin, he is caught between horror and elation, a giddy longing for something unknown.

P7, line 1 vengeance, Percival,” it growls. “You made

P7, line 2 deep timbre

P7, line 3 shaking, this time not in fear

P8, line 1 world right,” the creature breathes. “My gift

P8, line 3 smoke growing denser

P9, line 2 unsteady breath,

P9, lines 4-5 sweat-slicked skin

P9, line 6 mid-project

P10, line 1 been here?” he says, startling

P10, line 8 damning himself, without exposing

P10, line 9 of what he years to be?

P11, line 1 long breath, he

P11, line 2 laying it carefully over the unfinished projects

P11, line 4 to the door, he pulls it

P11, line 6 last seen Jarett, is

P11, line 7 and distracted, it might

P13, lines 1-2 standing—or so Percy first believes—in the middle

P13, line 2 throat, and his face is

P13, line 3 sound escapes from

P13, line 4 over Jarett’s shoulder, Percy

P13, line 5 driver rise to his feet

P13, line 6 bloody bandages, but

P13, line 7 isn’t time to be sick.

P15, line 1 above the floor. They kick

P15, line 3 man’s eyes, and finally

P16, line 1 Then several things happen at once.

P17, line 1 “Help! Help, help!”

P17, lines 2-3 If he had had time to reflect, he might have found it strange

P17, line 5 Time, however, is precious, and

P17, line 6 faster than Percy can truly think, he pulls the

P17, line 7 hip, his thumb

P17, line 8 familiar steel, the world

P18, line 1 Crack!

P19, line 2 flesh of the attacking

P19, line 3-5 rough floor. His hands find his throat, as if they can hasten the ragged gasps of air that he pulls in greedily.

P19, line 5 without wasting time to ask stupid questions,

P19, line 6 Percy raises the sight of the pepperbox and

P19, line 7 hit their mark, and a tiny

P19, line 9 empty hallway, screams

P20, lines 1-2 “Help!” Percy roars, his fingers already priming the next shot. “Vex! Tiberius! Anyone!” [[[Note: Writing fiction in all-caps, in my personal opinion, is usually really distracting. I prefer italics when going for emphasis.]]]

P21, line 3 lashes out, and what

P21, line 4 Grunting in pain, he

P21, line 6 frigid air hiss past

P21, line 7 hallway, the prisoner

P22, line 3 mighty growl and lunges. Meeting no resistance, he stumbles briefly and

P22, line 4 then turns to let loose

P22, line 5 in pain, and Percy

P22, line 7 confusion, Jarett

P22, line 10 Beside him, Trinket

P23, line 2 “Hurry,” he breathes,

P24, line 1 Dawn sparks against

P24, line 2 band of mud-splattered adventurers

P25, line 1 shrugging lightly, “is that we

P25, line 2 uses of cow-camouflage

P26, line 6 the gate, and she

P27, line 1 “Shane! The gate!” To her left, Tiberius [[[Note: Shout out to critrolestats for the NPC master list! The guard’s name is Shane Trantor.]]]

P27, line 3 enough room, Vex

P28, line 1 something,” Scanlan

P29, line 1 It’s too much

P30, line 2 closer now, too close

P30, line 3 the gauntlet, then it dies

P30, line 7 it’s not enough

P30, line 9 from its housing

P31, lines 1-2 dropping the pepperbox from singed fingers, he

P31, line 3 fluid motion, he

P31, line 6 a heart-stopping moment, he

P32, line 2 first blow, but

P32, line 3 for a moment,

P32, line 4 eyes clear, a

P32, line 5 ever-shifting

P32, line 6 at him, the

P33, lines 1-2 A thunderous roar sounds beside him, and for the second time in the last five minutes, Percival

P34, line 1 Looking up and still trying to regain

P34, line 3 assailant, and Jarret

P34, line 5 air, and Percy

P34, line 6 than he first thought. With a might cry, the

P34, line 7 muscles in his

P35, line 1 stone stairway, and

P35, line 2 moment, Percy thinks it’s more

P35, line 5 staggering, and it clouds his already-shaky vision.

P35, lines 6-8 By the time he blinks, Grog’s looming form bursts into the hall with a bellowing yell, blood and water flowing from his upraised fist.

P36, line 3 steel, almost

P36, line 6 workshop door, and Percy

P36, lines 8-9 concentration, and says something to Percy. It’s hard to hear over the ringing in his ears, but

P36, line 11 It’s enough.

P37, line 1 With a grunt, he

P37, line 2 It’s a lost cause, however; the

P37, line 4 his steps, and

P37, line 6-7 riffle jams into invisible flesh, and, without a word, he pulls

P37, line 8 thunder, and

P37, line 10 Without thinking, he pivots

P37, line 11 still-glowing

P37, line 12 louder still, and

P37, line 14 lands true,

P37, lines 15-16 the creature’s desperate rage. It shakes Jarett away and

P37, line 18 iron ceiling of the cell, and

P37, line 19 doll, blood

P38, line 1 With a cry, Jarett

P38, line 2 for so long, and

P38, lines 3-9 *Somewhere behind them, Vex gets off another shot. The arrow lodges weirdly in the invisible creature, sinking into its flesh but appearing to hang in midair. Simultaneously, tiny purple sparks of light explode from the ceiling, drifting down and sticking to the creature’s shaking form. The dust stars cling to its body, revealing a humanoid torso and legs that shift and slide too fast for thought. On the bed, the young man shudders and drags in a labored breath.

P39-40 (See beta note 3) In front of him, Grog barks a laugh and says, “There you are! Hold still, Casper!” He swings

P40, line 2 find their target, and

P40, lines 3-6 *Percy blinks, and Vax appears in the space beyond the iron bars that had been empty not second ago. Vax yanks the creature back with one arm.

P41, line 2 breath, and

P41, line 2 Reaching out, he

P41-42 the goliath’s shoulder and says, “Grog! You softened him up for me, asshole!” With a grin, the barbarian returns his Great Axe to the sheath at his back, satisfaction clear on his face. In the cell, the figure on the bed stirs, slowly pulling himself into a sitting position. Tiberius hurries forward, one hand outstretched.

P43, line 1 It’s a decker sandwich!

P44-45 (See beta note 3) Without a sound, the young man takes the sandwich as clutches it to his chest in shaking hands. “What happened?” he croaks. “What—“

P46, line 1 “Here,” Vex says and shoulders

P46, line 2 look. She crouches

P46, line 3 one hand, she

P46, line 5 frightened by mostly intact.

P47, line 1 workshop door. “Can I

P48, line 1 grin. “There are, like, four

P49, line 1 “Oh. Okay,” the gnome replies and

P50, line 1 something, but then

P52-53 (See beta note 3) Tiberius sigs and, with the flick of his hand, he cleans the spatter away. “Pardon me, he doesn’t know our customs very well. How is that sandwich?”

P54-55 (See beta note 3) Desmond seems not to notice either the blood or its removal. “W-what was that? What was that thing?”

P57-58 (See beta note 3) Vex nods in agreement. Tiberius huff, “I would say ‘opaque buttholes.’”

P59, like 1 interjects. “I’ve

P60-61 (See beta note 3) some paragraph he read long ago, “Ah! Of course, high-level mages use them as assassins. They are single-minded in purpose and damn near unstoppable.” The slightly jovial air in the room born from great relief evaporates. [[[Note: cut “after a tense moment, Vax says” in case that was unclear.]]]

P62, line 1 Vax says, “All I know

P63-66 (See beta note 3) Vex frowns at her brother, frustrated concern clouding her features. “With all this previous experience,” she says, her voice straining, “do you know how to ward against them?”

Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of his lips. “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.”

Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others. “Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?” she asks.

P67, lines 1-2 day. I will find out,” Tiberius says, his mind forming lists

P67, line 2 side, Jarett

P68, line 1 recommend that the next

P68, line 3 intended, and he

P68, line 4 “I apologize, I was

P69-70 (See beta note 3) Vex stands and moves over to him. “We were unprepared to warn you. I’m sorry,” she apologizes.

P71, line 1 Jarett sighs. “Um,

P72, line 1 if we know,” Grog huffs

P73, line 2 liches. Prepare the troops. There will

P73-74 (See beta note 3) to shore up security.”

Jarett nods but adds smoothly, I would like also to consider making some changes to our income, as this has suddenly gone from a general guarding job to going up against denizens of the afterlife.” [[[Note: In case this in unclear, move Jarett’s speech tag down from P73 to P74.]]]

P75, line 1 her face.

P76, line 1 “Of course,” Tiberius says airily. “We shall

P77-82 (See beta note 3) “Very well,” Jarett says, starting for the door. “I’m going to make sure the rest of my team is…alive.

As he begins to move away, Vex calls out, “Jarett? Are you up for it?”

Jarett looks back over his shoulder, his usual dry humor fully restored. “I mean, if the pay is good, yes.”

“It will be,” Vex assures him. “Jarett’s up for anything,” she adds with a little saucy smile.

Jarett laughs and taps the side of his nose. “You understand. Then, with a little grimace as he pulls sore ribs the wrong way, he finishes, “I will talk to you in the morning. I think a bit of rest is on order.” He waves and heads up the stairs and out of sight.

P84-85 (See beta note 3) “It’s good, right?” Tiberius says brightly. I had one yesterday. Come, we’ll move you to the guest room.”

Vex hesitates. “Maybe we should stay down here,” she says.

P86, line 1 “No,” Tiberius says

P86, line 2 doesn’t move. He just looks

P87, line 1 safer there?” he asks shakily. “I told you

P88, like 1 “Yes, you did,” Vex says softly.

P89, line 1 “I told you,” he says again, seeming

P90, line 2 they’re in. “You’re still alive!”

P91, line 1 her, then slowly

P91, line 4 fingers is vibrant

P92-93 (See beta note 3) quietly, but not so close as to make the young man nervous. “Listen,” he says softly, looking the boy in the eye. “You are a victim of circumstance. We understand that.

P94-100 (See beta note 3) Desmond holds his gaze for a long moment, then seems to resign himself to the inevitable. “Okay,” he sighs.

“I volunteer to sleep down here with him in the room,” Grog offers suddenly.

Tiberius shakes his head. “He’ll sleep in my quarters.”

“Is it safer down here? Vex says, glancing at her brother.

“In a locked cell with Grog?” Vax says. “That’s pretty safe.”

But Vex frowns at him. “I think it’s better to bring him upstairs,” she says. “It the door is locked, we can’t get to him very quickly.

P101, line 2 happen,” Tiberius adds

P102, line 1 use my Planar Binding to summon

P102, line 2 a frown creasing

P103, line 1 helped,” Vex says. “They were

P104-106 (See beta note 3) “I like all these things,” Vax adds, “but I still think Grog as a bunkmate is a good idea.”

The others start to discuss the situation amongst themselves, and Desmond takes advantage of their distraction to lean into Vax and whisper, “Is where I’m sleepin’ going to be away from him?”

Vax follows him line of vision and sees Percy leaning against the far wall. His face is drawn and hard, smudged with soot and blood. He looks exhausted, with dark, bruise-like shadows under his eyes, but Vax can tell from the stubborn set of his shoulders that the gunslinger has no intention of resting any time soon.

Frowning unhappily, Vax turned back to the boy beside him. “There is a lot of history for Percy wrapped up in this, and he has done you wrong, no question, but…” He struggles for the right words, unsure how to convince they boy of things that he himself doesn’t know. Perhaps it is best to leave the “why” for another day. He looks Desmond in the eye, willing him to understand the truth of his words.

P107-109 (See beta note 3) “The answer is yes,” he says firmly. “You will be separated from Percival, you will be protected, and you have my word.”

There is a brief pause. Then Desmond nods. “Okay,” he whispers. “I trust you.” Tears spring into the young man’s eyes as the events of the last few days begin to truly catch up with him. “Please, please don’t let them kill me.”

Vax reaches out and places a warm hand on his shoulder. “We may be fuck-ups, but we’re not without ability. You have my word.”

P110, line 1 “Okay.”

P111, lines 1-2 “Desmond, dear,” Vex says, arriving suddenly in front of them. Her keen eyes catch her brother’s for a moment

P111, lines 3-4 to his feet, she calls over her shoulder, “Grog?”

P112, line 1 “What?” the goliath rumbles.

P113, line 1 “That bed needs to go back up to the guest room,” she says,

P113, line 3 Percy, the boy flinches away, and

P114, line 1 “Fuckin’ hell,” Grog grumbles

P115-116(See beta note 3) beside Keyleth, who watches Percy head back down toward his workshop without a word.

Vax clears this throat. “Is your hand alright?” he asks gently.

P11, line 1 now-closed

P118, line 1 anything?” he tries

P119, line 1 “Nope,” the druid says, and, still refusing to look at him, she

P119, line 2 Grimacing to himself, Vax

P120, lines 1-2 lets out a long, shaking breath. For a moment, he

Beta note 1: You need commas! Lots of them!

Beta note 2: Watch out for insubstantial repeated phrases. In this particular piece, I caught “for a moment” and other similar phrases quite often. Repetition attracts the reader’s attention, which can be useful when writing symbolism, foreshadowing, etc., but it can also be distracting if the writer repeats something that the reader doesn’t need to pay attention to.

Beta note 3: There’s some trouble with dialog formatting, which means that my paragraph system gets a little wonky about halfway through, but oh well. Here are two main things to keep in mind.

One, dialog always goes on the same line as the speech tag. Paragraphs 39-40, for example, are both dedicated to Grog speaking, but you started a new paragraph between “says” and when he actually starts talking. These should not be separated.

Two, most of the time, the actions that a character takes before, during, and/or after speech should go as close to the dialog as possible. Paragraphs 63-66 are a good place to look for this. You have this section written as such:

Vex frowns at her brother, something like frustrated concern clouding her features.

“With all this previous experience,” She says, strain evident on the last two words, “do you know how to ward against them? Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of the lips.

“All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.” Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others.

“Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?”

The biggest source of confusion here is that Vex appears to be the one saying “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives” because her action (cocking an eyebrow) is connected to this line of dialog. When I was editing, I moved the characters’ actions as close to their dialog as I could, and I created new paragraphs every time the focus shifted to a different character. My edit turned out like this:

Vex frowns at her brother, frustrated concern clouding her features. “With all this previous experience,” she says, her voice straining, “do you know how to ward against them?”

Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of his lips. “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.”

Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others. “Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?” she asks.

By keeping the characters’ actions and dialog together, the reader can move more easily through the story, and it prevents any confusion over which person is speaking.

P1, line 7 with outside, so he can

P2, line 1 Despite this—and because

P2, line 2 inside—Percy removes

P2, line 5 somewhere to hang the jacket.

P2, line 8 inquisitive, confused, and just

P3, lines 2-3 second, he heard the sound of scuffling and rattling from inside, followed by

P3, line 6 curse in that familiar

P4, line 1 Victor [[[Note: Confirmed by Matt in his playlist that his name is spelled this way.]]]

P4, line 2 correctly. “Are

P5, line 2-3 slamming into the façade

P5, line 4 by its swing, quickly

P5, line 5 Victor

P5, line 6 the scruff on his chin smoldering a little.

P5, line 7 Percy winces when the smell of burnt hair hits his nose. Wild eyes stare

P5, line 8 Victor

P7, line 2 bow. “Do you

P10, line 3 throat again and pushes his

P10, line 4 Victor

P11, line 1 prods Victor, clearly annoyed.

P12, line 2 he states. “We

P13, line 1 Victor

P13, line 3 teeth and gaps where there are teeth missing altogether.

P13, line 4 he cackles. “Come

P14, line 1 dismayed, and Vax

P14, line 2 seems not to have

P15, line 2 here,” she says.

P16, line 1 Percy concurs. “Please

P17, lines 1-2 Percy can almost feel himself blush as Vex

P17, line 3 shrugs before turning

P18, line 1 shop, weaving around

P18, line 3 strange. Inside, he sees

P18, line 6 rain, smelling strongly of mold

P18, line 7 Victor

P18, line 8 Victor

P19, line 2 Victor

P20, line 3 one or two wall sconces

P20, line 4 Victor

P20, line 5 now there are only

P20, lines 6-7 When Percy finally tears his stare aware from Victor’s

P22, line 1 Victor

P24, line 1 Victor

P24, line 4 word and with a

P24, line 5 Victor

P25, line 1 Victor

P26, line 1 Victor

P26, line 2 heavily-sealed metallic canister

P26, line 3 Victor

P27, line 1 Victor

P27, lines 3-4 prize down, the metal making a quiet chinking sound against the surface.

P27, line 5 a purposefulness about Victor now

P27, lines 6-7 Percy tenses, and in contrast

P27, line 9 Victor

P28, line 1 Victor

P28, line 2 see better. “Carefully…”

P28, line 6 Victor slowly brings the fire

P29, lines 2-3 *It flies out of Victor’s hands, and the merchant’s eyes simply watch it roll on the floor before they turn back to Percy.

P29, line 4 implicitly,” Percy says, hoping

P30, line 1 Victor

P30, line 3 can. “It’s

P31, line 1 breath, his heartrate normalizing

P31, line 2 little. But judging

P31, line 2 Victor

P31, line 4 Victor

P32, lines 1-2 To reassure himself, Percy bends down to sniff the so-called coffee.

P32, line 2 A familiar pungent, bitter aroma fills

P32, line 3 sates his curiosity.

P32, lines 3-4 [[[I think you should cut the entire last sentence of this paragraph. Taliesin kind of changes his mind halfway through asking for a cup and sets out to determine if it’s really coffee or not. Plus, this exchange is awkward to read because it seems out of order. Percy says “I’ll have some” BEFORE Victor asks if he wants any. I think it’d be more cohesive if you just cut this part.]]]

P33, line 1 Victor

P33, line 2 he says as he pulls

P33, line 3 counter. “Been a while

P34, lines 2-3 “Just—just one

P34, lines 3-4 off Victor goes to make the drink

P35, line 1 black powder,” quips Victor

P35, line 2 him. “Wait!

P37, line 1 Victor

P37, lines 2-3 center of his face. “Not many

P38, line 1 Victor

P38, line 2 coffee. “Have there

P39, line 1 Victor turns, his shaking hands

P39, line 2 tightly and his eyes casting upward

P39, line 3 one,” he wheezes as he hands Percy his drink. “Months ago.”

P40, line 1 his cup—which looks

P40, line 3 actually potable—tells

P40, line 4 Instead of taking a sip, he tries to distract Victor

P41, line 2 he had wanted. “Who?”

P42, line 1 Victor’s thick, dirty eyebrows furrow. “Err, nice woman,” he

P42, lines 2-3 as if to illustrate her likeness from memory. “Well dressed!”

P43, line 1 before Victor finishes that he speaks of

P43, lines 4-5 “Excellent,” he mutters. “She

P44, line 1 “No, no,” Victor answers

P44, lines 2-3 opportunity to dump his drink on the floor, hoping the splashing doesn’t alert Victor.

P44, lines 4-5 engrossed in his thoughts.

P45, line 1 intrigued. “Very

P46, line 1 Victor

P46, line 2 again. “She paid

P48, line 1 Victor

P49 lines 3-4 line of questioning and moves back to easy

P49, lines 4-5 “How, er—how have your own

P50, line 1 Victor’s only answer is a strange grin and another

P52, lines 2-3 calling for Percy and reminding him to

P53, line 2 main purpose. “I would be

P54, line 1 Victor

P56, line 1 Victor

P57, line 2 business. “Money can

P58, line 1 Victor

P58, line 4 across Victor’s already-messy face.

P59, line 1-3 “Oh, that’s not a moustache,” Percy remarks, swallowing down the small bit of bile that had risen in his throat.

P60, lines 1-2 Victor doesn’t seem to mind or notice at all. He places four small, empty potion flasks on the counter and starts

P60, line 4 Percy. “I already sold

P61, line 1 This time, Percy sighs in relief. “Yes,” he answers. “That would be lovely.”

P62, line 1 Victor

P64, line 1 “Wondrous!” Victor exclaims. “Deal!”

P66, lines 1-2 unsure of whether or not she wants

P66, line 2 Percy hears her walking

P67, lines 1-2 “250 gold,” Percy tells her as soon as she joins him, “if you would be so kind.”

P71, line 1 Victor greets Vex, the word booming out

P72, line 3 Victor’s

P72, line 4 somewhat lecherous stare.

P72, lines 4-5 This strange but rather funny turn

P72, line 5 Percy’s attention, and he

P72, line 6 to Victor without counting it. Victor’s entranced

P72, line 7 on Vex, who, to her credit, holds his stare and doesn’t turn away.

P72, line 8 Victor

P73, line 2 Victor’s

P73, line 3 funny, Percy intervenes.

P74, line 1 Victor

P74, line 2 him. “Thank you. You are so kind.

P75, line 2 Victor [[[Note: The phrase “as shrewd as he is unstable” is fantastic, btw.]]]

P76, line 1 Victor

P79, line 3 Victor

P79, line 5 bottle and squeeze the kiss inside.

P80, line 1 “Keep it safe, dear,” Vex

P81, lines 1-3 tells Victor. “All of us. Until we all meet again,” he says, and he can feel Vex’s glare at his intent to bring her along for any future interactions with Victor. “Keep safe, and…well, keep safe.”

P82, line 1 Victor

P83, line 1 Vex returns the wave with

P83, line 2 which disappears the second her back

P83, line 4 laughing, out of respect for her; she did

P83, line 5 Victor

P83, lines 5-6 Vex go before him through the narrowing exit.

P84, line 1 Victor

Beta note: A large point of contention among fiction writers is dialog tags. In this piece, you have all sorts of different tags—calls, barks, coughs, greets, prods, states, cackles, suggests, concurs, starts, replies, begins, advises, points out, answers, offers, murmurs, explains, snorts, specifies, quip, notes, echoes, wheezes, describes, mutters, corrects, repeats, adds, acknowledges, agrees, remarks, exclaims, protests, promises, returns, demands, whispers, laughs, shouts, says, and asks are most of them.

I feel like most of us were taught in school to never use “say” or “ask” in the interest of creativity or something. Some writers think that you should only use “say” and “ask.” They think this because when we read dialog, our brains can skim over “say” and “ask” almost as if they’re not there, allowing the reader to move through the dialog effortlessly. In short, the argument is that dialog tags can be distracting.

I had a writing professor a couple years ago who urged my class to cut all dialog tags except for “say” and “ask” out of our writing. At first, I was really reluctant. I thought that dialog tags gave my writing character and flair. But then the more I cut them out, the more I felt like my writing improved. I realized, then, that it’s a matter of focus. Instead of focusing on how a character says something, I began to focus on what the characters says. I do realize that this project—this blog as a whole—is something of an anomaly because the writers are creatively transcribing the show and are thus rather limited in terms of artistic license. However, I think the matter of focus still stands:  What do you think is most important while writing?

I am not going to ask you to change your dialog tags. I only changed two of them when I thought the original ones didn’t make sense in context. I am not going to tell you it would be better or worse if you kept or changed the original tags. It’s just a suggestion, something to keep in mind.

I’m sorry the beta note is so long. I just…I really like writing, and I really like editing, and I might as well use my degree for something.

P1, line 1 more, just after a meeting with

P1, line 2 Horn of Orcus

P1, lines 2-4 *The party’s first priority is to replenish the items used deep beneath the Greyspine Mines, and they make their way to the Abadar’s Promenade district in the midafternoon, warm sun on their skin, to a familiar, low building. [[[Note: Check the wiki, Crit Role Stats, or Critical Role Transcriptions for the correct spellings of places and people! I know fantasy names are often really difficult to make out, but there are a lot of resources available!]]]

P2, line 4 Abadar’s Promenade

P2, line 6 Vax stepped forward,

P3, like 1 confusion—how in hell’s name

P3, line 2 held by such a small shop?

P3, line 3 How, then, did a staircase lead upward?—but that moment of confusion passed

P3, lines 4-5 scents of the shop. The rogue ignored

P4, line 1 Sconces on the walls

P4, line 2 magical flames, which winking off of artfully

P4, line 4 purple robes wandered the shop

P4, lines 5-6 as they attended to other customers.

P5-8 (See beta note 1) “Brother,” Vex’ahlia murmured, “you should get that evil Clarota helmet checked out and see what good it does us.”

Vax’s lips curved into a grin as he reached up one hand and tapped the skull cap he wore. “You mean this one?” he asked.

“Yes,” Vex deadpanned, used to her twin’s antics. “That one.”

Keyleth moved a little closer and spoke softly to the rogue. “I think you should be the point man here,” she said. Those who heard the druid’s words murmured their agreement.

P10, line 1 “Start looking, start shopping

P10, line 2 an…arrangement.” [[[Note: There’s just an extra space in the original.]]]

P10, line 4 how eager he was

P10, line 5 and the druid

P10, line 6, hands to the rogue’s shoulders in encouragement.

P11, lines 1-3 she told Vax firmly. She frowned and licked the tip of her thumb, wiping an almost-nonexistent smudge from Vax’s nose.

P12, line 1 not in view, so he swept

P12, lines 3-9 *Vax’ildan’s trained eyes moved across the counter and beyond it, noting the beaded curtain that hung from the store’s back door. He noticed the purple cloth that concealed a case set in the dark wood of the counter, a case that very likely held small valuables, knick-knacks, and stoppered vials of potions. With a mental jolt, he broke out of his reverie and reached out, firmly tapping the service bell three times.

P13, line 4 as a hand briskly whisked aside the beaded curtain.

P14, lines 1-2 voice purred, and Gilmore’s familiar figure stepped

P14, lines 2-3 Vax took everything in, from the well-made purple robes

P14, line 4 hung around his neck, to the coarse

P14, lines 5-6 ponytail, to the wispy, braided goatee, all of which added to

P15, line 1 “Oh. Oh. You’ve returned,” he said at last.

P16, line 1 [[[Note: I saw another person make a note of the use of “hale,” and this word works perfectly fine here. The more common expression is “hale and hearty,” but there’s no need to change it!]]]

P16, line 4 lifting the rogue’s feet

P17, line 3 filled the rogue’s nostrils.

P18-19 (See beta note 1) “You naughty man, you just called me by my sister’s name. That is going to cost you.”

Gilmore blinked, flustered. “I—I said Vax! What do you mean? That’s ridiculous, preposterous, I mean—“

P20, line 1-4 *Vax simply arched his eyebrows cheekily and let Gilmore sputter his excuse. Vax knew what he heard, and he was more than willing to wait until Gilmore stopped squirming and admit his mistake.

P21-23 (See beta note 1) Tiberius interrupted Gilmore’s groveling. He said, “Actually, Vax, he was correct. He said your name correctly but mixed it with your sister’s. So maybe you owe him a little something.”

After Tiberius spoke, Keyleth couldn’t help herself, and words tumbled from her lips. “He said Vax’ahlia,” she blurted out, then mentally kicked herself, even as Tiberius chimed in again in agreement.

Vax glanced back at his friends and gave them a testy “shut up” before returning his attention to Gilmore, who was quite embarrassed by this turn of events. Vax patted the other man’s hand. “Don’t you worry,” he said. “We have come from far and away—you would not believe the shit we have been through. But I don’t want to talk about me. I want to talk about you. What has been going on in this city since we’ve been gone?”

P24, lines 1-2 “Well,” Gilmore began, then turned to glance about the party behind Vax. “Obviously, you’ve brought

P24, lines 9-11 Perhaps even,” he said, leaning forward conspiratorially, “perhaps even—get this—opening a second store in Westruun.”

P28, line 1 two more arcanists, and

P28, line 3 available items. We’re doing quite

P30, line 2 your investor, in a way.

P30-31 (See beta note 1) that’s a whole other discussion.”

Tiberius muttered and mumbled and shuffled his feet for a moment, then the truth dropped out between his fangs. “I just wanted you to talk to me for a little bit,” he admitted with surprising humility.

P32, line 3 after a moment, then

P32, line 4 “But yes. How about yourselves?” His voice

P33, line 3 for the Emperor—we’ve been

P34, line 2 levity. “I know

P35, line 4 shop about. My sister can

P35, line 6 around the city, get a bit

P35, line 8 The rogue paused

P35, line 11 you’ve heard, what’s on the wind.

P36, line 2 gears shifting in Gilmore’s mind. The rogue

P36, line 3 half-elven

P36, line 4 worry. Apparently no one

P40-42 (See beta note 1) Hastily, Vex lifted a hand. “Oh, we need to shop around first, of course.”

The purple-robed mage looked a little confused at first, but then he shrugged. “Very well,” he replied.

Percy spoke up, covering any awkwardness. “And we’re so curious about these interesting and fascinating things that you’ve developed in the several weeks it’s been since we’ve been here. We’d love to see what you’ve been working on.”

P43, line 1 Sherri [[[Note: Shout out to Crit Role Stats for the correct spelling!]]]

P45-47 (See beta note 1) “Would you be so kind as to see to whatever our friend need? These are Vox Machina, by the way; they are currently sponsored by Gilmore’s Glorious Goods Incorporated, and I would very much like to make sure that they are taken care of.”

The half-elf’s voice didn’t chance when she answered, “Yes, sir, I’ll make sure that happens.”

With a sweep of his hand toward Vax’ildan, Gilmore dismissed the matter. “So, shall we?” he purred.

P50, line 1 what I need,” he muttered

Beta note 1: There’s a little trouble with dialog formatting, which means that my paragraph system is a little wonky, but oh well. Something to keep in mind is that, most of the time, the actions that a character takes before, during, and/or after speaking should go as close to the dialog as possible. Paragraphs 5-8 are a good place to look for this. You have this section written as such:

“Brother,” Vex’ahlia murmured, “you should get that evil Clarota helmet checked out, and see what good it does us.” Vax’s lips curved into a grin as he reached up one hand and tapped the skull cap he wore.

You mean this one..?”

“Yes,” Vex replied, deadpan, used to her twin’s antics, “that one.” Keyleth moved a little closer and spoke softly to the Rogue.

“I think you should take point on this,” Keyleth said. Those who heard the Druid’s words murmured their agreement.

Luckily, this particular instance doesn’t prevent the reader from understanding who is saying what. Your dialog tags are clear, so there isn’t any confusion with that. However, while writing dialog, you should generally create new paragraphs every time the focus shifts to a new character. My edit turned out like this:

“Brother,” Vex’ahlia murmured, “you should get that evil Clarota helmet checked out and see what good it does us.”

Vax’s lips curved into a grin as he reached up one hand and tapped the skull cap he wore. “You mean this one?” he asked.

“Yes,” Vex deadpanned, used to her twin’s antics. “That one.”

Keyleth moved a little closer and spoke softly to the rogue. “I think you should be the point man here,” she said. Those who heard the druid’s words murmured their agreement.

All I really did was move the character’s actions closer to their dialog. (Well. I also listened to this part of the episode because “you should take point on this” didn’t sound right. But you get the point.)

Beta note 2: It is not necessary to capitalize a character’s race or class. The first reason is because the Player Handbook does not, and that’s pretty much the guideline. The second reason, in more thorough terms, is because a character’s class is like their job and their race (unlike race in the real world) is more like their species. It’s like if I introduced myself as Rachel, the Human Student. Or Judy in Zootopia introduced herself as the Bunny Cop. Or the vampire dad in Twilight introduced himself as the Vampire Doctor. (I’m sorry for the last one—it’s all I could think of.) It’s just not necessary.

Beta note 3: You used a lot of semicolons, and the majority of the semicolons are actually fine on a technical level. However, semicolons are typically pretty formal, and I didn’t think that they fit the tone of this piece, which is why I changed many of them to a more informal dash or turned the compound sentence into two sentences. 

The blazing, vicious cinderstorm that Vox Machina and their Fire Ashari escort had been fleeing was still spilling through the portal, but healer Pike’s first priority was the wounds everyone had received during Keyleth’s test. One tiny, ash-covered hand closed around the ever-present symbol of Sarenrae that hung around Pike’s neck, and the cleric’s whispered prayer drifted on the air to the ears of the injured. The healer’s small, gnomish form glowed with a golden light for the briefest of moments, as did the bodies of Vox Machina, and together they voiced a sigh of relief as their wounds closed and their burns healed.

The portal to the Fire Plane closed abruptly, choking off the hot, sooty clouds spewing from its mouth, the black fumes dissipating. In the silence, Cerkonos, Headmaster of the Fire Ashari, walked slowly forward and extended a hand to Keyleth as she sat on the ashy ground. For a moment, the Flamespeaker just stood, a stern and unyielding look in his dark eyes. Then Cerkonos spoke.

“You. You have the blessing of the Pyrah behind you.” The corners of the Flamespeaker’s mouth twitched upwards at the interruption of exhausted cheers that erupted from Vox Machina, and Keyleth’s own lips curved in a smile, part in relief, part in weary pride. “Go forth. Continue your AraMente, knowing we acknowledge your wisdom and ability.”

Exhausted, Keyleth voiced her gratitude. “That you, Cerkonos. Brother,” she said. The Druid reached out to grasp the Flamespeaker’s hand in midair, and with one powerful movement, Cerkonos pulled Keyleth to her feet. Cerkonos’ beckoned with his other hand and a nod to one of the Druids that had been keeping watch. The Fire Ashari stepped forward, offering Keyleth an orb of rough, black stone with fiery red veins of pulsing energy that seemed to move even the Cindergrove’s subdued light. Keyleth accepted it, and her breath caught in her throat as it’s magic, hot and heavy, pulsed against her palms.

“This is a Spark Stone,” Cerkonos said. “Rare, within the realm you just escaped; we’ve harvested but a handful over generations, as few have returned with them. This one is yours, Keyleth, to use yourself or bequeath to an ally. When crushed by the hands of one, their fists shall burn with the fury of an Efreet.” Jaws dropped among the party; this was a princely gift. Seemingly without thought, Vex spoke up, her eyes locked on the orb between Keyleth’s palms.

“For how long?” Cerkonos’ eyes moved across, and he remained silent for a moment; then the Flamespeaker seemed to remember that Keyleth, whom he now honoured, called this occasionally impertinent half-elf “sister”.

“For as long as you wish,” the Headmaster replied. “The choice is yours to whom this blessing is given.” Keyleth’s fingers curled around the Stone. For the Fire Ashari to give up such a precious and rare artifact…

“Thank you. This is a great honour,” Keyleth said simply. The younger Druid held the elder’s gaze for a long moment before Cerkonos turned to look at the rest of the group.

“Well,” the Headmaster said, “you are welcome to stay as long as you wish before you must continue on your journey.”

“I think a rest might be in order,” Keyleth sighed. “I’m exhausted.” Noises of agreement filled the air from the other members of Vox Machina agreed to rest with the Fire Ashari, and Grog wondered aloud if they could have graham crackers and chocolate.

“And also a lot of water,” Vex'ahlia panted, fanning herself theatrically with one hand.

“Water would be lovely,” Percy commented dryly as he put his mask away.

“Water,” Keyleth said dreamily. “Do you have water, Cerkonos?” The Flamespeaker’s face was blank with surprise for a moment before he replied.

“We can offer some-”

Tiberius interrupted the Headmaster’s words. “I have water,” the dragonborn said jovially, a heartbeat before pulling a flask from his bag and popping the cork. Water- fresh, clear and cold- sprayed into the air, drenching everything, including Vox Machina, the Fire Ashari, Cerkonos, and even the lava pit behind the group.

“Gah,” Percy muttered, turning away and lifting a hand to shield his eyes, but he wasn’t loud enough to cover Vex’s next indignant question.

“You’ve had an endless supply of water while we’ve been fighting Fire Elementals?” she asked in disbelief as the magical water continued to spray and steam rose around the party.

“Yes,” came Tiberius’ calm reply. For a moment, Vex stared through the magical downpour. Then the half-elf’s eyes met those of her twin, and in unison they sighed and shook their heads. “It’s mainly for drinking and such,” Tiberius added, slightly confused, as the water continued to pour. The sorcerer hovered the cork over the neck of the bottle. “Are we all done?”

Percy, Pike and Keyleth moved to wash the dust and soot of the Fire Plane from their skin and drink from their cupped hands. The Fire Ashari stepped into the magical rain as well, muttering about the length of time it took to gather water from the distant wells each morning. They procured cups and gratefully filled them to the brim before Tiberius stoppered his flask. Then, Vox Machina and the Druids saluted each other with respect normally only shown to fine wine, and drank, their parched mouths gulping the water down greedily.

Cerkonos led Vox Machina gently but firmly to the edge of the Cindergrove, and gave a nod to Keyleth as he rubbed his shoulder. “I must heal the wounds of my helpers, taken during your test. Do as you see fit; leave when you feel comfortable. And good luck.”

Keyleth folded one arm across her chest, fist over heart, and bowed. “Kaitiaki, brother.”

Cerkonos’ mouth was grim, but there was a smile in the Flamespeaker’s dark eyes when he replied. “Kaitiaki, Princess.” With that, the Headmaster turned, and was soon lost to sight among the trees of the Cindergrove, leaving Vox Machina behind on the edge of the small Druid village of Pyrah.

Grog’s deep, booming voice interrupted the contemplative silence the Flamespeaker’s exit had created. “Your people are fucking sweet,” the Goliath said as he turned to Keyleth. Any remaining tension was dispelled as most of the group exploded into laughter, and after a moment, Keyleth managed to thank the Goliath.

“Yes, I rather enjoyed that Fire Elemental myself,” Tiberius announced. Keyleth’s hands extended for a moment, and the Druid made a small gesture that encompassed the group.

“Thanks for coming with me,” Keyleth said, simply and honestly.

Vox Machina rumbled and muttered, before Pike saved them from having a maudlin moment.

“What does ‘kaitiaki’ mean?‘” the cleric asked.

Keyleth replied, “It is… sort of our salute. Um, it means… guardian. And brother. Brethren. So it’s like a high salute.”

Vex and Pike repeated the word a time or two, but Vax'ildan’s interrupted the impromptu language lesson. “And, not tomorrow, please; but where do you need to go next for this quest of yours?” the Rogue asked.

“Well, my last stop would be to the Water Ashari, in Aquus,” Keyleth replied, brow slightly furrowed in thought.

“Lovely name,” Vax responded dryly as he deftly avoided a thrust from Vex'ahlia’s elbow.

“But they’re on another continent,” Keyleth added, lifting one hand to push back her damp hair, which was drying fast Pyrah’s hot air.

“So that’s good,” Grog rumbled, “I don’t think we could take another one right now anyway.”

“A little rest is in order,” Percy said, brushing absently and futilely at the soot encrusting his clothing.

“I’m doing pretty good, actually; I’m kind of ahead of schedule,” Keyleth murmured after another moment’s thought.

“Wonderful. Let’s just take some respite,” Tiberius agreed firmly.

Vox Machina took a short rest at a hut in the small village; each taking their turn with the dragonborn’s enchanted flask to bathe and remove the worst of the grime. Keyleth spent part of their rest thinking about the Spark Stone. After some contemplation, the Druid concluded that there was no hurry to decide the Stone’s fate and stowed it safely away. Then, slowly, they made their way down the mountain range and gathered their horses.

After giving the animals a little feed, Vox Machina mounted, with Vex returning to Trinket’s back, and they began their journey back to Vasselheim. The three-day journey was filled with stories and songs; perhaps not as tuneful as they would have been had Scanlan been able to accompany them, but enjoyable nonetheless.

The uneventful journey ended after the group passed beyond the massive grey stone walls of Vasselheim; upon stopping by the Temple of Sarenrae, Pike discovered that the Priestess of the Raven Queen, who had been lifting the curse set upon the grounds had done her job and done it well. The grounds were now ready to be sanctified and rededicated to Pike’s patron deity.

The eager voices that had lifted from the Temple to greet them made the diminutive cleric blush; those that had been little more than strangers and fellow followers of Sarenrae a week ago were now clamouring for Pike’s attention and were showing a level of devotion to the gnome that made her a little uncomfortable. After greeting the other worshippers properly, Pike gathered together with the rest of Vox Machina, and words escaped her in a low mutter.

“What if I don’t wanna go back? What if I just want to stay? With you?”

“You’re an important figure to us as well, Pickles,” Vax said, humor coating the real sadness in his voice.

“You’ve done so much for our lives,” Grog began slowly, “maybe you’ll continue to do good in these lives.” Pike’s eyes met the Goliath’s for a moment, and her lips curved in a reluctant smile.

“Well, debatable,” the cleric replied lightly.

“You can leave them at any time,” Grog added hastily, sweeping one massive arm through the air to indicate those who waited eagerly for the gnome. “And we’ll kick their arse and you can come with us.”

“At any moment at all,” Vex'ahlia added in a chuckle that ended in a noise that was suspiciously close to a sob, as Keyleth spoke up.

“You know where home is.”

“This was so great; being a part of this journey that you had,” Pike said, turning to the Druid.

“Thank you; I’m glad you came,” Keyleth replied simply.

“You are always a part of our journey no matter where we go, Pike.” Tiberius spoke calmly, but there was a world of unsaid feeling in the dragonborn’s eyes.

“Just keep the poo close,” Grog rumbled with a mischievous look in his eyes. Pike looked blank for a moment before Vex spoke up after flashing the Goliath a glare.

“I mean, I don’t know what it does, exactly, but…” Watching his twin flounder, Vax finished for her.

“Just put your faith in Sarenrae,” he said. Pike’s expression changed to a grin. These people were weird, but they were her friends.

“Okay.” For another long moment, the cleric’s eyes moved among the group. “Well, I guess I’ll go.” Pike’s eyes slid to Keyleth’s, and the gnome rested her arm across her chest, fist to heart. “Kaitiaki.” The Druid’s eyes brimmed over for a moment as her own arm came up and she returned the salute.

“Kaitiaki,” Keyleth replied. With that, Pike moved away but was stopped when Tiberius enveloped her in a scaly hug. When they stepped apart, Tiberius cleared his throat and tugged at his robes, slightly embarrassed.

“You were always my favourite gnome,” the dragonborn muttered awkwardly.

“Oh, thanks. You were always my favourite… well, dragonborn, I guess,” Pike replied, laughing. Tiberius laughed too and returned the thanks. Again, Pike hesitated, then turned away once more and headed for the excavation site. One of Vex'ahlia’s hands reached up to press against the dull ache lodged just below her breastbone.

“It hurts, every time,” the Ranger sighed. Grog rumbled in agreement, but Vax'ildan simply leaned against his sister for a moment in silent sympathy as they watched the small form walk away.

—

~Vox Machina walks the streets of Emon once more, after a session with the Council and the Sovereign of Tal'Dorei to decide the fate of the Horn of Orcus. Replenishment of the items used far beneath the Mines of Kraghammer is at the top of the party’s list, and they make their way to Avidar’s Promenade in the midafternoon under a warm sun, to a familiar, low but wide building.~

 “Oh. Oh. You’ve returned.”

“Gilmore.” Vax let his happiness to the see the other man hale(?) and well show in his voice. “You glorious bastard, how have you been?”

Vax simply arched his eyebrows and waited until Gilmore’s spluttered excuses were interrupted by Tiberius’ voice; Vax knew what he’d heard, and the Rogue was more that willing to wait until Gilmore stopped squirming and realize he was caught.

Gilmore gathered himself for a moment. “We have been doing marvelously; trade has opened up wide in Emon. We’ve had travellers from all over Tal'Dorei and beyond. It’s incredible.”

 “But yes; I’ve taken on two more Arcanists, and we’ve been in the process of designing some more interesting, wondrous items. We’ve stocked up on our available items; we’re doing quite well for ourselves.”

   “Very well,” Gilmore repeated. “Sherry!”