Crimson Third Eye

Once upon a time I was an interesting girl. Dynamic, though tortured She was such a puzzle to unfurl  Wretched, yet beautiful  A personal brand and culture she leaked Every pore dripping  So sultry, so sleek Once upon a time she swam freely  Impulsive, digging deep A memory of her, so elusive it feels like a dream 

Motherhood – You humble me. A softening of my belly, My character too. Cry baby, Tenderize my heart. Everything I thought I knew, Falls apart. Motherhood – The most of abstract of art. Won’t you cradle me softly, So I don’t get lost at the start.

My cheeks get hot from the tears rolling down.

Sticky they feed on memories within reach, I beg again and again for them to allow for release

Time is wasting, but I can’t keep myself from turning back

Backs that have turned on me again and again

I fear I’m lost

Finally dismantled.

It’s all been one big rush

Get out of my mind, let me go this time

Lover, I’ve cried for…

I ask myself, where is my ego presenting itself? Where I am conning myself?

I feel I know the answer, but am still afraid to release myself to the truth. A control withholding me from complete release

I am still fearful of my own weakness. Unable to present anything…

I am fucking high

High as a fucking kite

I fly so high, all I feel is delight

I am so fucking high

I give no shits for what isn’t right

I’m naked and free as bird

I fly high and obsess over the absurd

I only have myself to judge and I lean into it, testing my nerve

No fucks given, it’s my life and I want to be heard

I am out of my mind. The clock reads 4:28 and I sit naked on the couch writing in my journal and listening to Miles Davis’s ‘Kind of Blue’ on the record player to my right. It feels quite romantic, but I know myself well enough to be familiar with the scene I’m painting.

A challenged young woman, sexy and discontent in solitude. My, such a role I enjoy to play. A lazy sigh escapes my lips.…

Today.

Today I went to the beach for sunset and the police were giving our tickets for standing around too long.

Today I wanted to run and had no where to go.

Today I ran out of gloves on my way to get takeout and had paranoia.

Today I felt guilt for wanting to see my friends.

Today the simplest of things made me feel needy.

The world is crumbling, but they ask us to carry…

I smoke my cigarette in solitude in the cold. My tennis shoes half slipped on, uncomfortable on my heels which haven’t slipped into their correct position. Security cameras loom at every corner of the house unable to find a corner of peace and quiet. Neighbors still stroll the cul-de-sac into the evening and glare with judging eyes as I taint their suburban dreams with my unclean habit. How dare…

I’ve been staring and the ceiling and scratching my head. Weighing options of number to call…who I can I lean on that won’t make me feel so spent? I scroll through old conversations, picking out the ones which may be self serving in my current condition.

Repeatedly, each person I linger on falls short even in my imagination. Worse even, the conversations which upheave too much. The rawness of my…