Crimes Of Passion

Meaning:

You don’t want to be around people, regardless of the reason.

You prefer silence to loud noises that confuse you even more.

You’re okay with not saying anything for hours, because you don’t have to utilize that part of your brain that overthinks before you speak.

That’s when runaway thoughts start coming in. When you just want to jump in the car and drive for hours alone, anywhere.

One imposed against yourself.

Like, self sabotage.

Or... seclusion.

And the thing is, we do it way more often that we want to believe. You see, we count the times we've wronged others and the times they've wronged us but rarely do we ever acknowledge when we've wronged ourselves.

How often do we scold ourselves for not eating on time?

When do we take responsibility for not giving ourselves time to catch our breaths. And I mean that figuratively and literally.

We don't document our growth the way we track our babies... our relationships. Why not? Why don't we celebrate the small wins? The learning lessons? The stepping stones? Why don't we want to keep every little bit of us?

Every time I hear that a new baby is on the way, my heart breaks a little. Every time someone walks down the aisle... smiling faces and adoring eyes, I-

Knowing what you want is only half the journey. Clearly. Knowing I want to be a living, breathing work of art. Knowing I want to be an amazing mother. I know I want to be the best wife. I want to make things and make people feel things. I need to be a great friend because I need that connection. I want to laugh and cry and feel. But... not all at once. But yes, everything at once.

I've been off BC for years and I have just realized that the last of my hormones to regulate, control my emotions. I. AM. A. FUCKING. MESS. And, I'm learning to deal with that.

So, if you see this... and you're a mess... We'll get through it.

I hope this letter doesn't find you at all...

Today's been a down...

... a sort of held down... Down.