07032032————0331 hours

You held me the other day while I drowned in my emotions. I’ve never let someone see my that unhinged, not even my best friend. But there you were, an anchor to the real world.

You asked what was wrong, and I told you I just wanted to be happy. You asked if I wasn’t happy and you sounded kind of hurt and I’m sorry for that. The truth is, I’ve never felt happier than I have when I’m with you. But, I’m so afraid of losing that happiness that I panic when I realize I have no guarantee I will have you tomorrow.

When the sun was still asleep

And so should have we been

But under the cloak of darkness

We loved each other

And I know you’d try

But there’s no way you can deny

There’s was so much more then you care to admit

Between you and I

06272022————1600 hrs

06272022———0039hrs

We’re sitting on the couch watching stranger things. You’re helping me stay awake because I moved to night shift and I need to fix my sleep schedule. Your texting a girl you work with. You’ve been talking about her a lot recently. Which is funny because you told me just a month ago you never saw yourself being with someone that you wanted to be alone. I guess you lied, you don’t want to be alone you just don’t want to be with me.

Im trying to be supportive, but I think you can tell that it’s hurting me a little. I just hope you don’t lead this poor girl on like you did me. Im sorry I wasn’t what you wanted. Im sorry I couldn’t be more for you , enough for you but I’ll be here until you find someone. I’ll keep the other side of your bed warm. I’ll hold you at night.

————

It’s ironic, tomorrow will be a month since we talked about what we are I cried that day and I cried today. You promised nothing would change, that we would still be us but on the same page. Friends… friends but more just not all. But you don’t touch me anymore, not like you used to. You don’t talk to me like you did before, texts and snaps are opened and left on read. I think it’s because you’re afraid of leading me on but I’m hear begging you to. I’ve left my pride behind long ago. I’d rather have you in this capacity then to let you go. Lead me on.. please … I can’t lose you.

“Honey if you feel this much pain

At least you know it was real

At least you know your capacity to feel

Better to love and be hurt

Then feel nothing at all”

I said

“Mama what if this pain makes me scared to fall again”

She told me

“Little one, remember how much fun you had

Remember the butterflies

Not the tears you’ve cried

Say thank you

And move on

Because when you find him,

The one,

You’ll be greatful for the experience,

All that you’ve already done”