sweet girl

It always hits when I’m alone. Like a tight grip closing around my heart and soul. It starts before they’ve even left. And I have to breathe and smile and blink back tears until they leave and then I just sob and it’s like I’m back to reality and remembering I’m alone. And I want to scream and cry for my partner and I want them to hear me and board to my house and just hold me, I want to call them and have them talk with me til I feel better, and we’ll end the call with a big mwah like we always did. And all I can do is hold my son and cry and cry until whoever it is comes back and then I have to wipe my eyes and blow my nose and say “just having a moment” and let it go again until the next time. I feel like I’m killing a part of myself every time people are around and these days that’s always. I have to shut off the real part. I never had to with you. And it wakes up when I’m alone and I remember you’re gone and I think about how I never got to see you again. I never saw your body and now you’re ashes and you’re I don’t even know where. I know that body wasn’t you but it’s the one I made love to. Those are the hands that pushed the hair out of my face when I blew out the candles on the birthday cake you made. Those are the hands I held while I pulled you through the rose garden on your longboard that evening. Those are the hands that skipped rocks so well, and splashed me with water, and steadied me when I stepped wrong, and gently touched my stomach while you looked around us and you whispered so quietly and purely “do you think they think the baby is ours? I hope they do. I like that they do.” Those are the eyebrows that always tensed and relaxed when you were listening to me intently. That skin with your tattoos was how I felt the warmth within you. Those feet wore the boots I’d always unlace for you, until I got too pregnant to. Then you’d unlace mine. I miss you. I want you by my side. Why can’t I bring you back to life?

I had a nice baby shower. but it was quiet and kinda lonely. I just know it would’ve been so much fun if Midas had been there. just imagining the pictures we would’ve taken in front of the backdrop I set up. How much attention they’d give me. And it crushes me that those photos only exist in my head. and their hands aren’t in mine. they’re not here to take my boots off, and vice versa. and crawl into bed and just be happily exhausted with me. I miss you. I wish you could come back to me.

me and k went through m’s things today with some help. I’ve felt more genuine love from the people I’ve met through m and their passing than I have from my own family, and it’s been 2 days. but I can only take it in doses before I have to go be alone. I genuinely expect it to be them every time my phone buzzes or a notification pops up. I keep expecting to look up and see them, everywhere. long boarding down the road, walking into my kitchen, laying in my bed. and everything is moving so fast with the posts and the gatherings and the articles. I just want to take a breath and close my eyes and lean back and be laying in the grass by the river, and open my eyes and see you looking down at me, and I want to sit up and kiss you and start over again from the summertime. I want to fall in love with you again.

my partner was found dead. please take me to where they are.

really feeling the loneliness these days. work and come home. work and come home. only 11 people have marked attending on my baby shower. one of them is me. 4 are family/my roommates. I had to start inviting coworkers (and people who want to bang me) because I have so few friends, and my family is… nonexistent or scattered. my parents won’t be there. the sister I’m close with isn’t moving back home after all, so she won’t be there. my friend had over a hundred people invited to hers (I wasn’t one of them) and she kept having to whittle down her invite list. I wonder what that’s like. I’m nervous, and embarrassed. I feel like everyone who does show up will feel sorry for me. It’s just going to be awkward. And I don’t know who will be at the hospital with me when I give birth, but none of the options are even right… idk. I’m afraid and depressed. pregnancy is lonely, and I know motherhood is going to be lonely too. Just me and my cat and my baby. It actually does sound nice, but I know it won’t always be that way. There will always be part of me that wishes for someone to take a turn in the middle of the night, or let me hold their hand tightly while I push, or even baby me a little while I heal. But I have to be strong and take care of myself. I have to be strong and take care of us both. I know I can do it, I just selfishly wish I didn’t have to do it alone.

Omg… the hormones and end-of-the-week exhaustion are strong with this one 😂 c’est dramatique!

today was different than yesterday. they stuck together at the gem faire and I followed behind. I picked a lovely little larimar heart out that m bought for me, and I felt so so happy and lucky. but k didn’t find anything, and the whole night changed. she felt pressured and m felt frustrated, and insisted we go somewhere else to get her something too. they pushed and pushed, and k was crying, and it got worse and worse and enveloped the whole evening. I kept having to wait elsewhere so they could talk, at every stop we made, and the more m tried to cheer her the more pressure she felt. we went to my house and m made us more delicious curry, but we all sat with space between us and ate quietly. then we cleaned up and they left. and now I’m alone again, realizing I’m the outsider, being included or excluded depending. m will drive k’s car back to m’s apartment and they will get to keep hanging out. even if they argue, they’ll drink and they’ll kiss and they’ll fall asleep holding each other. and I will be in my bed holding my little larimar heart hoping to be included again.

oh my gosh, tonight was like a dream!! everything is shaping up to be solid and I can see where I fit in your life, I’m so thankful to be let into these parts of you and trusted with them, let alone to have you say you’re proud of me and you’re lucky to have me in your life? I’m the lucky one