hadiya

separate

I don’t want to love people
who don’t love me like 
I need them to,
but I do.
my heart won’t listen to me
and I can’t be angry
while understanding the value of 
being willing to be a fool.

it was never enough
to survive just on love.
life takes much more work
than the fairytales speak of
because a dream isn’t utopian,
just a reality outside 
of what’s familiar.
you can follow what nourishes
your soul,
but you can’t neglect the ego
as auxiliar.

returning to the source to remember who I am and every flickering moment in which i was damned to be who i wasn't then criticized for such. once frozen in confusion of the enviroment i painstakingly grew in now conjuring illusions of the me i think i love.

for weeks
I’m convinced 
that we’re meant to be;
it only takes time to see.
then
the pendulum swings 
and it seems to me
we’re just two beings 
feeding
off our darkest energies.

attachment to 
a single perception
lessens the ability 
for deeper connection,
but it’s easier to be right
than to be vulnerable.

acceptance

finding creativity in darkness and wondering if i have to keep visiting to birth more. is peace a destination or is it simply a pause between neverending wars?

the woman in the mirror wants to be recognized yet i jump through hoops to assure her that what matters most is on the inside and though the statement is true maybe it's just an excuse to keep being a recluse.

thought i needed to dig deeper, but i actually needed to hunt for beasts that only come around when i'm not looking for one.

maybe i'm a leaf floating down a river with no idea how it ends. the wind that lifted me knows what i don't, yet silently is the only way it offers its hand.

giving up on loyalty and freeing myself from the chains i fashioned into jewelry to feign control.

i could search for every silver lining but i still expected the worst. positivity isn't enough to keep a sitting duck from it's curse.

i know i chose to separate us, but every day i'm reminded that I didn't want to. i never imagined choosing my own growth would be the hardest thing i had to do. a lifelong obsession in danger of being replaced by you. so there must be a world where we get to start anew. and i trust you made the decision to work on making those visions of who we were meant to be come true.

fell through all those holes just for a chance to grow old with a smile on my face. and i was never certain that it was worth it though i tried to hide it on the surface, but lately it seems it was worth the wait.

Love Letters (7)

fell in love in four days and cried for hours on the fifth. unlike the girl who left her shoe my heart dreamed a wish that couldn't exist. but i held on to the pieces in a prison of my own yearning. never wanting to be free of seeking solace in mourning.