Out Of My Mind

It's far too much to hold

I juggle every task you give

And I will until I'm old

But someday I will drop the ball

And I loathe to think you'll care

And drop me for someone better fit

Who'll pretend that this is fair

But you have asked the world of me

And if course I will say yes

Even if it means I lose

I think to myself

While sitting on the couch I bought

In the living room I painted

In the apartment I own.

And most of the time, this is home

But sometimes when the clock hits 5pm

And I am in traffic on those busy streets

Filled with people who don't know I'm alive

I yearn to be on that long dirt road in the country

With a beautiful brick house and endless smiles waiting.

"I want to go home"

Where I ran barefoot through the mud and had sweet tea, extra sweet, and weightless love

But it will never be real again.

Because I keep that home in my mind to look at when things get hard to carry

Knowing that if I take that long dirt road

There's only creaky boards and two words sentences

And I'll be leaving, spitting, cursing

Thinking to myself

That you will always be mine

I hope you understand why I'm broken

When the strings of fate that tangled us together

Begin unraveling

Like the denumount of a bittersweet film

That I've seen coming but just can't bear to watch.

I've turned the ending in my mind

Like a smooth stone in my hand

Feeling for any scratch and mar

To justify holding on

Instead of skipping it on the surface of the sea.

-

When the weather was so bad

My apathetic cat curled up beside me to ride out the storm.

You hated that cat but I called it mine

Long before I was yours.

We built the screen together "like a real couple"

The only project I ever talked you into.

I dreamed that we would sip our coffee in the morning air

Watching sunrise together, the two of us

With the cat purring in my lap.

We never used it once and you called it useless

And I didn't see the point in going out

If we didn't do it together.

But now the screen is ripped, the metal prongs pointed angrily at your chair.

It ripped

And you aren't here to fix it.

Staring here at the hole, sipping my coffee alone with that damn cat pawing at the mosquito that's breached containment

and I can't help but wish it all meant something

In the end.

-

"Soft" has hurt the most.

To hear that the years of love and laughter

That carved the lines in my cheeks

Were a weakness

Wounds me as much as the slaps you endured

At the hands of people far less soft than I.

In a moment my pain will pass, I know

And pity will set in

At how sad it is that you were raised

To see compassion as a flaw.

-

To feel pretty.

But I can't recall when I began to wish for such things

For the stranger's heads to turn

For the too-long glances in the grocery store aisle

For them to dream of me in a new way.

I never cared before but now-

Now their attention is the only way

I feel beautiful anymore.

When I apply it to my lips and blend them with a POP!

I still don't know if I look beautiful for them

Or for me.

-

With a crimson flame burning down down down

Wax dripping on soft skin

Too gentle for it's heat

But there was no flinch or falter

Until it melted down to nothing

Leaving only a curl of smoke and scalded flesh

As its legacy

-

That it's okay to burn

For temporary bliss

All I need is a kiss

Cause we're already a match

And I'm soaked to the bone

Landing softly

Upon your freckled nose

As our laughter fogged

In crisp air

We ran

And nearly slipped

Like a foolish man

Might fall in love

But now I've lost my spark

The words that once came freely

Are lost now in the dark.

I try not to get discouraged

At this subtle, painful change

But I've become a different person now

But nobody ever thinks

About the tragedy befalls

Every fallen leaf

Their blood has been sucked out of them

Like a vampire with it's prey

And their bodies tumble helplessly

Like rain on a chilly day

And that crunching noise you love so much

When you tread upon the leaves?

You're stomping on their skeletons

For the first time in a while

I hope they know how well they are doing

How fast they are growing

By myself at last.

I tell myself it's what I need

As if plants could fix this mess

The paleness of the petals

Are completely meaningless.

But still, he bought me flowers

I guess that means he cares

But it takes a little more than that