rowan

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PLEASE READ:

I trust. I hope and trust all of you. ALL OF YOU. To know that I don’t do this with intent of “making more drama”. I want to give people peace of mind and let the truth be heard. I want people to have solace.

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“Sebastian Solace”

It has now been brought to my awareness several times that Zerum is publically racist (as well as homophobic, ableist, yada yada). This allows me to reveal my disgust with how Sebastian Solace has been treated.

I will reveal *for her* that Sebastian, the Chilean American angsty 2012 grunge character, is intended to be 100% based off of a Kpop idol in personality, looks, body type, accessories, everything.

You can figure out who for yourselves, I feel no need to bring the person into this. But the guitar pick necklace he wears is the group’s merch. As far as I’m aware, it has no deeper meaning. I suggested changes to it. She denied changes. It is the merch to a T.

I mean no hate to kpop fans or that group btw. I don’t mean that in any way, I think they’re fine

Zerum sent me countless photos as reference, but only used the aforementioned idol, saying she wanted him to be “just like him”. I questioned it, voicing concern for not being Chilean if I made the modifications. I asked if she had any input on the fact that those were modern outfits and hair, but this was Sebastian pre-experimentation (early 2010’s). Instead of responding with her thoughts, she drew over my artwork asking for me to do “exactly so”: A modern hairstyle akin to that of the idol. She wanted a toned body akin to that of the idol. Clothing exactly like the idol. HEIGHT exactly like the idol. The only time his race was ever mentioned to me was by Kat, who told me to make sure that his skin tone was the same. “We don’t want any whitewashing”. I had trusted the writers- I had trusted ZERUM with at least depth of character writing. But what I got instead was the belief that whitewashing was purely skin tone. I was disgusted.

I have since deleted our dms, but she said to me along the lines of “this is so stupid, everyone would laugh”. Her and Kat both said if people found out about this, “[idol]’s photocard would increase in price!” I hated these statements the moment it entered my dms. The arrogance.

So I will say this with confidence: Sebastian is Zerum’s kpop crush. And she proudly married him, boasting about how she kept him from everyone. He wasn’t made for anyone else.

Please see this post if you would like proof of some shitty stuff she said (tw: homophobia, transphobia and the like)

I am putting the ref sheet here as I have deleted it off of my page, my portfolio, and I feel sick knowing she has my work on her twitter. But it’s just for reference to what I’m talking about.

I get it may not Look like much. I tried to keep what I thought was true as much as I could. I kept his body shape wider than I think she wanted. I kept his hair curly, trying to keep strands flying around. But the outfits, the accessories, all of it. It was directly from Zerum, telling me to copy the idol verbatim.

My final proof to that situation is the third image there. I posted with my original post. Frankly, I didn’t want to post it. I saw someone with it as their pfp though, meaning Zerum posted it elsewhere. I thought no reason to hide it. It is once again, a direct rip from the kpop idol in the exact pose. I hope some of you connect the dots. She just wanted a version of him that was hers and only hers.

Now, I don’t want this to sound like you can’t make a character in which you yourself love and adore, romantically or platonically. You can make characters based on your irl crushes, that’s fine. That’s awesome! What’s not awesome is lying, letting people believe there was truth to everything you made up. Putting labels on the character just so it was “different”. Shunning people who didn’t believe what you believed about a widely beloved character (that in turn wasn’t even the real character??!??). But you shun them because the widely beloved character was actually just your crush, hand-tailored for you and Only You. This should not have been in the game or even related to the game. This should be a private oc. By integrating this into the game, Zerum has caused what she hated: people “taking” her crush. But it’s her fault.

I beg of any of you who love the Sebastian we were led to believe existed, whether that be platonically or romantically or whatever. I beg you to rip it away from Zerum’s arms.

The writers do not get to choose what entire culture and heritage is just a label to give an oc for fun.

My statement was prepared before this came out. See the details. It’s exactly the photos I was given and whatnot.

An addition: Just to add to the lack of depth we all thought Sebastian had, Painter’s VA has now revealed that the secret redacted dna on his document was… a mermaid. Fml.

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My final thoughts to Pressure and its community

We are all left in shambles. The amount of artists I’ve seen completely devastated because they poured their hearts out into the media, only to feel like they were held in a chokehold because of it. I am disgusted. I want nothing to do with Pressure. Nothing to do with its IP. I have deleted my official art, as mentioned. I leave my fan work up as a statement of my progress and a statement to how I approach characters and their relationships.

I am so sick to my stomach knowing I was ever involved in this fucking game. Knowing I ever wanted to be a part of it. I might speak for more people than I think, but I personally always saw the way they connected with community artists and thought “that could be me”. I wanted to interact with the devs, to be a part of the team somehow. How fucking vile. How fucking horrendous everything would turn out to be, and I feel ashamed to have had that hubris within me. I say it as I’m sure I’m not the only artist, commissioned or not, who wanted to be involved in its “open community of developers”. I hope I speak for all of us when I say that the people we idolized do not represent us now. But I know I’m not the only one ashamed of it anyways.

I wish luck to those like me who feel taken advantage of. I wish luck to those who feel like they can’t trust a community again. I wish luck to those who relied on the game as a comfort. I don’t have kind words, some advice, or really… anything. I don’t have anything to say, because I haven’t figured it out.

But there’s no rush.

To those of you who found comfort in Sebastian, just know that the Sebastian you loved was already your own original take. “He” was never who you thought he was. “He” was made for Zerum, and nothing more. Any headcanons, any gender identifications, any sexualities you gave him, that is more than Zerum ever would have the gall to do. He is not Zerum’s character. Sebastian was a PR act.

Please. Make your own Sebastians. Give him his chilean heritage. Let him somberly play guitar in the park at midnight because he needed somewhere to think. Let him pierce his ears impulsively at the age of 12, only to be caught by his mom or his siblings. Let him be in middle school band playing the trumpet. Let him be who Zerum never wanted him to be.

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I need time. I haven’t been thinking straight or drawing straight or anything. I feel so ashamed I tried to rush through it via the greed day artwork I did. I can’t shove myself into another hyperfixation forcibly. For now, I will probably lean back on my OCs, waiting for the next fixation to come.

I am hugging my sea bunny and convincing him that he’s been saved from the hellhole he was born. I am taking my seb keychain and retiring him to my merch collection, forever to be held in pristine condition as a relic of my loving past. I am trying to move forward with kindness in my heart towards myself for loving what I loved. I encourage you to do the same.

Do not be ashamed of who you were before this all came out. We didn’t know. And we loved the material. Nothing will deny that. Don’t shun it out of your life just because of that. Accept it happened, accept the source material is dead, know you’re not supporting it anymore in a physical and monetary sense, and move on.