If I was Jesus I would’ve simply said no dad this is your dream

comedy gold is when you complain about some piece of media, a book a movie, whatever, but you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and it's not that deep so you don't name it you just say its genre and everything you hated about it and then someone is like "if you want to cleanse your pallet with something good from [genre], check out [exact media you're not naming]!! it doesn't do any of that!" and you're like did we even consume the same thing or perhaps have they guessed the media and they're some sort of sick villain twisting the knife on purpose, knowing you can't cry out...

one time i said i'd love a new high fantasy TV series that doesn't make me watch egregious violence toward women and which doesn't feel like a typical medieval western European setting, and someone told me with absolute sincerity to watch Game of Thrones : (

ashes to ashes, dust to dust, reeses to pieces

My fav American word is actually Fuggedabbouit, it means to move on with your life without looking back at your regrets. I think it is a beautiful word.

If humans were reconstructed from nothing but bones, they would 100% give us fur. The idea of “hairless except for the top of the head where the hair is actually the longest in the entire animal kingdom” would never come up

what i like about airports is that once youre in there theres no going back. I mean youre there until they let you out

im no longer responsible for myself. I am free because i am contained. oooh eighteen dollar sandwich dont mind if i do