covered in drool

She still has accidents. Today I had her come to the bathroom with me while I pooped hoping she would go too. But she hopped in the bath tub and proceeded to pee standing up in it.

dad tip: cooking

being a parent means a lot of things, but one of those things is that you probably arent eating out as much.

one, it's expensive, and that can be a strain on your finances while you're trying to get used to all these new baby related purchases that keep popping up. sidenote: my mint.com account just gave me an alert that said Unusually High Spending on 'Kids' . mint is very insightful.

two, it's hard to eat in a restaurant with a baby. i think this fact is pretty well documented so i won't go into anymore detail.

so, if you want to impress your family with a delicious meal that is super easy, go for the lamb dinner. lamb is rich and much healthier than other red meat like steak. and it has the added benefit of cooking up really fast on broil.

your first step is to put the potatoes in your crockpot in the morning (if you don't have a crockpit duuuude get a crockpot) with enough butter and olive oil to coat them well. add your favorite herbs and seasoning, I used oregano, basil, garlic salt and pepper and just let it sit in there on low and get delicious.

then when you get home from work, get your lamb, pour on some vinaigrette dressing, garlic, rosemary salt and pepper and slap it on the oven on broil.

meanwhile dump the leftover oil and butter from the crockpot potatoes in a pan (those crockpot inserts make this easier and also cleaning everything easier), add asparagus and more garlic, salt and pepper and cook em til they're soft.

flip the lamb once they're browned, repeat the seasoning on the other side.

then you slap it all on a plate, sprinkle parmesan over the potatoes and asparagus and feta cheese over the lamb and wait for the compliments and squeals of glee to roll in.

we’ve all read lists about how things in your 20s are different from things in your 30s, but there are some things that come back around again. 

you're relieved when it's just a fart and not poop.

you haven't had sex in months.

you find yourself cleaning puke off your shirt at three in the morning.

you're really into restaurants that have drive-thrus and/or deliver.

you spend all your money on stuff you won't use in a few months

you convince yourself you need a new car.

you grow a beard.

you consistently roll into work on 2 hours sleep.

you have no idea what you’re doing.

baby formula makes a pretty decent coffee creamer in a pinch.

here are some key things all your new parent friends leave out:

you’re going to poop while holding/wearing your baby

it’s just unavoidable. it becomes a kind of nice bonding time. hey it’s more productive than staring at your phone.

you’re going to bump her head pretty hard and tell her “you’re ok honey.”

…and guess what? she’s fine.

you’re going to forget to buckle her car seat completely and not notice until you get home.

ok so…this one sounds bad. and it is. but, because those car seats you can take out of the car are so useful as just general baby-holding devices/strollers, you unhook your baby while she’s straight chilln’ and totally forget to hook her back in. it’s only happened to me ONCE…OKAY??

you’re going to arrive at work with poop on your shirt.

you won’t notice until it’s too late. you will tell people it’s a mustard stain. you’ll frantically scrub it with wet paper towels at your earliest convenience. you will still have poop on your shirt. you will get through it. promise.

your mother will not believe any of the new medical baby rearing guidelines, advancements, or findings that have occurred since she was pregnant.

it is futile. prepare to hear, “well you turned out fine,” every time. hopefully your lifetime of guilt trips has given you the ability to manipulate her into “respecting your wishes as parents.” good luck.

you’re going to be changing two sets of diapers.

your baby’s, and your wife’s. that’s right. guess what just happened to her? she squeezed more than several pounds of baby out of her cha cha. it stretched. it ripped. it was sewn back together. like any recent wound, it’s gonna take time to heal. so stop being a stupid jerk and help her warm up some water for her rinse bottle and then go see what the baby needs. HURRAY!

you’re not getting laid.

ok you knew this one but the timeframe that book told you to expect is wrong. it’s double that. the day your pathetic advances work on your wife again are a while off. also, she won’t like it very much even then. but, luckily, you are a loving, secure, and patient husband who can remember that your sexual frustration is almost comically insignificant compared to the changes (lactating, hormones, stretch marks, depression, pumping, hair loss) your wife is experiencing postpartum.

you’re not going to be using that nursery any time soon.

yup that one your wife is freaking out about finishing. the one with all that neat salvaged furniture you sanded and painted. that crib you blackened several fingernails assembling. it’s a glorified storage room. sure, you’ll change the occasional diaper there, and you might venture in for a cute outfit once in a while, but your baby is sleeping in the bassinet next to your bed for the next 7-8 months. cuz it’s safer, easier, and closer.

your boss is going to ask “what’s been going on with you lately?”