“ ————‘at’s not fair at all! My secret was way more secret-y ‘dan yers!! ”
Kris huffed, puffing out her cheeks and crossing her arms, casting him a look of sheer petulance — the kind worn by a toddler who wanted a large milkshake, but instead had to settle for a small one. “ I already knew ya like feedin’ ‘da wingull, Yurs!! I’s been cheated!! I’s been hoodwinked!! I’s been bamboozled!! ” Each over-the-top accusation was punctuated with a playful hit to his shoulder.
“ Fine!! Ya want me ta pour my heart out ta you?? You’s gonna get it!! I’ll tell ya such a great secret, you ain’t gonna know what ta do wit’chyerself!! S’gonna knock yer socks off!! ”
She was bluffing. Or, perhaps ‘bluffing’ wasn’t quite the right term — the longer she carried on, the more she found herself hoping that while she carried on, some grand secret would come to her. What else was there to share? She’d already told him of every meaningful exploit she’d been involved in, so those hardly counted as secrets. Everything great about her had already been served up on a silver platter. She was, after all, Kris Clarity — strip away what made her great, and there was nothing left.
Or were there little wisps, ghosts of thoughts that lurked in the shadows of her self-perception; shapeless things that she ignored because maybe if she didn’t acknowledge them, they’d go away? Fathomless and abysmal, chthonian doom-thoughts that raced in her head only in the split-second before she would fall asleep, and the moments of groggy disorientation when she would first wake up, and————
“ I have nightmares, y’know? ”
When she spoke, there wasn’t as much gravity in her voice as there should have been. It came out as casually as if she’d commented on the weather, or something else equally inconsequential. A second ago, she hadn’t even known that she’d been having nightmares ( rather — surely she knew on some intrinsic level, but it was never something she thought about, never something she acknowledged, and so… they may as well have not existed, right? ) And now here she was, breathing life into it, feeding the beast instead of starving it.
It felt dangerous — somehow more dangerous than anything else she’d ever done in her life. But in spite of the alarm bells pounding in her mind, in spite of the finality that loomed ominously overhead, the knowledge that she wouldn’t be able to turn back…
She wanted to. Because this was Yuri, and if she didn’t say it now — if she let this beast go back to the shadows — then who knew if she’d ever catch a glimpse of it again. And maybe it would stay there, lurking in the dark corners of her mind, until the sun went out. Maybe she’d never get to share it with anyone.
( It is a basic human desire to disclose one’s true self — and to be accepted regardless. )
“ …‘ey’s always ‘da same. ‘Ere’s always an explosion, and ‘den — I get trapped. Or — or somethin’, I dunno, it — it hurts, I don’t… um… I die, I t’ink… ” Her hands had balled into fists in her lap at some point, but as she spoke one of them rose to hover protectively near her throat. She tripped over her words, rushing to get them all out before she could change her mind, and yet unable to predict what would come until it was already spoken. She remembered the things she was saying, kind of. Like they were words to a song she’d loved a thousand years ago.
“ I t’ink it’s real — not ‘da dyin’ part, but — but errythin’ else, ‘da… ‘da explosion, errythin’ afta’… I wake up t’inkin’ ‘bout Goldenrod, and — and it don’t make sense — a few years ago — ‘da Goldenrod Unda’ground exploded, and I t’ink… ”
“ I t’ink I was ‘dere. ” Her voice sounded small and far-away. “ I… t’ink it happened ‘cuz’a me, I t’ink ‘da reason ‘da Goldenrod Unda’ground blew up was ‘cuz I was ‘dere. ”
Suddenly there were flashes — shrieks of twisting metal, the stench of sulfur and flames, one hundred and four minutes, one hundred and four minutes, splashes of red and splashes of blue and splashes of red and splashes of blue, and then that sensation: guttural and visceral and sour, so raw and vivid that even now she gasped, snapping her head back to stare wide-eyed at the aurora above, but even the knowledge that there were only open skies above her ( and no stalactites of shrapnel, dangling centimetres from her throat ) didn’t make breathing any easier.
She couldn’t find the oxygen to fuel her words for a long, suffocating moment — like her subconscious itself would sooner kill her than let her acknowledge the words on the tip of her tongue. WHAT WAS SHE, STUPID? HADN’T SHE LEARNED LAST TIME? SHE’D SWORN NEVER TO FEEL IT AGAIN. SHE’D SWORN NEVER TO ADMIT IT AGAIN!!
She squeezed her eyes shut tight.
‘Yes,’ she thought. ‘But this is Yuri. And I trust him.’
All was quiet. Even the sound of the waves seemed to mute, leaving Kris in silence as she slowly — only after several long moments — opened her eyes. Wetness pooled against her lower lashes, but ( mercifully ) stayed there.
She couldn’t look at Yuri.
Her gaze fell to the grass, and she suddenly took great interest in the way it sprang back whenever she moved her hand away. It looked like maybe, just maybe, she’d never say anything ever again… when she spoke in a tremulous voice, gaze focused steadfastly on a patch of dirt near her right knee: “ …Ta-daaah. ”
Explosions and traps. She dreamt of containment without escape and danger at every corner. Even sleep, it seemed, couldn’t provide her with a real, solid sense of rest or relief. Yuri rolled partially onto his side so that his weight was balanced on his hip, his brow creasing slightly in a trained sign of worry. The more time passed him by the more attuned he felt to copying the emotions and body language of humans; it was little more than learnt mimicry, true, but the feelings behind it ( at least whenever it was geared toward Kris Clarity, that was ) were genuine. He had learnt through his observations of and intermingling with humanity that she was looking unsure, uncomfortable, unhappy, unsafe with everything that she’d told him, and that that was a sign of trust. That that was a sign of her instilling some confidence in him, in their relationship.
It was a sign of love. He felt something stirring in his chest, somewhere deep within the centre of his core. He’d read in novels and more prose-type historic documents about a person’s heart being moved in the face of great shared emotion --- perhaps now he could finally understand what it was that they meant.
"... It is natural to be frightened. To be trapped the way you were... In such a very violent way, too. I would be alarmed if you were not afraid. I certainly would have been.
It was not in the context of dreams, but I, too... I fear I experience similar nightmares, if you will allow me the phrase. No --- actually, that is not even true. Fear is an incorrect term for it. Knowing that you have experienced something similar lends me a certain level of... Strength. I admire you, you see. I am quite fond of you, so to know that you carry yourself so bravely when you have something like that lingering in the back of your mind the way you do makes me feel that I, too, ought to copy your example and do the same. When I was younger... When I was younger, long, long before I ever met you, my home exploded.”
It was time, he supposed, for him to instil that same level of trust in her. To test a bit of that resolve he had in their mutual affections for one another. He shifted yet again, scooting himself a bit closer to her so that he could tuck some hair behind his ear and reach out with the hand not supporting his weight to rest it atop her nearest shoulder.
"... I also thought I died, for a time. Everyone I knew perished. There was a flash of light brighter than any star blinding me, then a searing pain that ate up at my skin, and then an overwhelming cold. Silence. I was unable to move or speak for a very long time --- unimaginably long. I had really thought that that meant the end!! I thought... I thought that it was punishment, for things that I had done before that I should not have. I was... Terrified. I thought it would never end.
And then, after an incredibly long time, there was... Heat again, and the light returned. I could move again, but I was... Kidnapped. Or---... No. I am sorry. I want to be completely honest with you. I was captured, and forced into the service of a... Terribly cruel man, who did horrific things to me. I came with my... Friend, but they --- he was my last remaining reminder of my old home, but we had to do the man’s bidding. The man preferred my friend to me and continued to do terrible things to the both of us, and then he decided he did not need me anymore, and got rid of me. I thought again that I had died, but when I woke up a while had passed, and I started work at the Mossdeep Space Centre.
That is why I collect meteorite shards, you see. I cannot take just any meteorites; the ones I seek out are very particular, because they link me to my friend. They... Come from our old home, you see.”
He inched closer still, his face twisting further into something serious and focused while he scrutinised the back of Kris’ head.
"... Do you understand what I am telling you, Kris Clarity?? You saved me from my loneliness. You are incredibly precious to me. This is why I feel like I must be perfectly honest with you, even if I have not been in the past. Do you get that?? I want to be able to trust you with information I have never told anyone else in my life... Information that none after you will ever hear. My most secrets of secrets. I told you that I am from Russia, but that is not the truth. I also told you that I am from Sevii and that I was born on Birth Island, but that is also incorrect. It is another lie... But less of a lie than my first. Birth Island, you see, was where I first woke up again after the explosion. My name, too... Yuri Leonov is not my real name. My actual name is not something you could really pronounce, but... I love you, Kris Clarity. You are my dearest friend, so this is why I tell you what I do. You understand that, yes??
You said to me once that we are of the same stardust, and in that sense... In that sense, some part of me sorely hopes that you will find appeal in what I have to say. I come from the same place as the meteorite shards I collect, you see. My missing friend and I both come from... Outer space, you see. I am an alien. We are aliens. Is that funny?? It took me travelling across the universe to meet you to cure my sadness once my planet exploded, but in the end, it all---...
... Do you understand what I am telling you, Kris Clarity?? I am an extraterrestrial. I am sorry for lying to you, but I feared that you would be frightened off if I were honest with you before. The others that saw me as I truly am were frightened, you see, but you would not be. I am almost sure of it. Do you understand??”
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