Corn's Kernels

what are you doing? there's no way i would know

are you with someone? are you forgetting me? have you forgotten about me? there's no way i would know

except, probably... if i ask you. which in all honesty, as powerful as i think i am, it's something that punches me in the gut.

a punch that sends me to the dark corner of self-pity.

just thinking of re-opening our conversation, coming up with what to say to you, calming my fear of getting rejected, makes me dizzy. i might even throw up. it makes me feel as if i have no bones in my body.

Ai/ra

You know what? Today, I woke up late. Because last night, I dreamt of you.

I know I shouldn't like it, because I have been doing good. I've been good at forgetting you.

In fact, the night before this I was a bit confident.

Maybe, I'm actually getting over you.

But in that dream, I saw you again after a very long time. My first thought was to run to you  and hug you. Longer than I did last time.

I didn't. Because that wasn't the smart choice.

For a second, we locked eyes and I knew we had the same decision.

So we didn't do anything.

Until we were a tad bit nearer to each other that the only thing that felt right was to hold each others' hands.

Thankfully, we did. We decided to be together and not waste moments just like last time.

I didn't know I was missing this much. It was in all levels, the right feeling. I didn't know that being with you will feel this triumphant. I didn't know that looking at you, being right in front of me, sends me all the good things I never thought existed.

Doing anything with you. And most of it, to be able to touch you.

I didn't want that dream to stop. I wanted to stay with you this time. No thinking of consequences, and no regards for what's to come.

I just wanted to stay with you.

But I had to wake up, right? I had to leave you again.

I promise you, just like the last time, I didn't want to.

When I woke up, I didn't only miss you. I wanted you near me, for always.

So come back. Please, be here. Please.

If you do,   and i really hope that you do I will stay. As much as I can.

Noong isang araw,

alalang-alala ako.

Dahil akala ko,

hindi ako matutulungan ng oras

               sa panahong gusto ko

               para makalimutan ka.

 Pero unti-unti nang nabubura ang itsura mo sa utak ko.

Hindi ko na maalala kung nasa kanan o kaliwang pisngi mo ba

ang marka sa’yong mukha na gusto kong hawakan.

 Kung gaano ba kalaki ang ngiti mo,

kung may kulubot ba sa gilid ng ‘yong mga mata kapag tumatawa ka,

o kung may gaspang ba ang mga kamay mo.

 Ngunit habang iniisip ko ang lahat ng ito

unti-unti ka na naming nabubuo sa isipan ko.

               Mula sa bagsak ng buhok mo,

               sa peklat sa mukha mo,

               sa liwanag ng ngiti mo.

                 Buo ka na naman.

 Ngayon,

alalang-ala ako.

Dahil hindi na nga ata ako matutulungan ng oras

               sa panahong gusto ko

I know that what we've shared is a mere 9 hours.

That's just like a full sleep,

A day at work,

A binge-watch session…

Fairly insignificant, right?

You can only do so much.

But how come,

In that 9 hours…

I knew that you had your first kiss at 12 with your neighbor

That you love your grandma's cooking

That you have a scar on the left side of your cheek

That you've been growing your beard for 2 years

That we're comfortable sharing silent moments

And then we ran under the rain

To feel even more comfortable to share a drink

To hold hands

To hug long enough and want it longer

And kiss

To want 9 more hours together

And 9 more after that if possible.

But it wasn't

It was just that.

9 hours...

Fairly insignificant, right?

I hope that when it rains,

Or even a whiff of petrichor hits you

I will be reminded of you.

And I hope that your heart breaks a little;

not because i'm not there,

but because you will never see the rain as innocent at it was

Here is my friend's digital painting that i asked for him to draw. And below is a long explanation...because I can and because I want to.

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This is inspired from a very personal photo that I thought would've gone to rot along this phone. I was wrong. It actually inspired me to write a short poem.

But before my friend proceeded to create this, he asked me a few research questions:

The first one was why I wanted to immortalize this piece of memory, knowing that this is one of the many triggers that led to some of my recent breakdowns. LINAWIN KO LANG: one of the MANY triggers ha, not the sole reason. 🙂

I told him that I don't want this wonderful memory to become a painful one. So much so, that I would desperately want it out of my brain.

It was a nice night and I want to keep it like that.

I don't want it to be less or more than that. I don't want it to be insignificant, but i also don't want it to have the power of negatively altering me.

Second question was how I've been processing this emotion. I answered so confidently and told him that I don't…at all. Haha! I just accept its existence at the moment.

And I work hard not to mind it in the hopes that someday, my brain finally gets tricked and labels that moment with a tag saying: "no immediate relevance". But if it gets really bad, I watch Vine compilations to distract me. SO in there, you will see some Vine references.

Anyway...pretty, right?

I created because of a spike of emotions -- nothing more, nothing less -- because I realized that by allowing whatever shit I'm currently stirred up by to manifest in its truest form, I lessen its blow...by accepting that unconscious, unnattended, and ugly residuals can appear in a timeline that it shouldn't be involved at if i don't respect its facticity.

What a story to tell. Thanks, stranger.

Hi, this is a 4am dedication for anyone who has been around my life recently.

You probably know what shitshow I've been through the last few weeks. This is what's it about.

I'm about to begin this with an I'm sorry. Sorry that instead of being truly vulnerable to you, I went ahead to try and be wacky about it...but I am really scared and awake in more hours than I should be to only think about it. I'm gonna tell you that I am not as strong as you may think.

And more than enough, I will always be reverted back with, "ang sama mo, Corn" -- kasi I can't seem to juice out some of my feelings unless I become petty and say, "ang pangit niya!" Or, "pogi ba? Kung pogi di ka siguro magagalit." -- thank you so much for thinking that I am only angry because, sayang na whoever did this to me is not John Lloyd Cruz. Pwede ring, "malay mo, kayo in the end" - i know this is a joke but oh my fucking dickballs i hope this never happens to you and i will never wish that you will ever feel whatever i feel right now because i can't even wrap my head around it. At tsaka, "be the bigger person" or "how do you plan to forgive?" -- HOW ABOUT NO. HOW ABOUT THIS TIME I STAY ANGRY ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IF IM NOT GONNA BE ANGRY, IM GONNA BE FUCKING SCARED AND YEP DEEP DIVE TO THE GLORYHOLE THAT IS SELF HARM, which btw i try to stay clean from.